The Weekly Tuesday Morning Skate for Tuesday, August 31

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Christina Hendricks' rack at the Emmys...

• How about some good news to start your day. Vodkov has begun skating. W00t!
  
• Happy 79th Birthday, Le Gros Bill! Your classiness prevents us from saying something nice about you, because praise from a stripper and meth-laden hockey blog would only tarnish your awesomeness;
  
• TSN's NHL page has a bunch of recent signings, none of which we find newsworthy. Sam Gagner? Yawn;
• This week's True Blood recap features tits, for those of you who have no interest in True Blood.

Tomorrow is SEPTEMBER people. I don't think I need to remind you a certain goalie is not yet signed. Maybe by the time Mr. natural gets back from his Euro-jaunt.

Sexy Friday introduces you to Dustin Boyd

So the Canadiens website recently featured new Hab Dustin Boyd in their "My Essentials" series. His answers provide keen insight into what type of player and person we'll be getting. Let's take a look at what Dustin thinks is essential.

Album everyone should add to their collection: Appetite for Destruction by Guns N’ Roses

Solid answer Dustin. One of the seminal metal / hard rock albums of all-time. I'm sure the rest of your answers will be as incisive.

T.V. show everyone should check out: Family Guy

OK, I like Family Guy and all, but of all the TV in the world you recommend that? We're starting to understand you a bit better Dustin.

Movie everyone has to see: Step Brothers

Obviously the most important film of the last half century, though I can think of a few Will Ferrell movies that should be ahead of this one. Like all of them.

DVD box set everyone should own: Entourage. All the seasons.

Sure, if by "all the seasons" you mean Seasons 1 and 2.

A go-to snack: Sushi

Nothing better than watching Family Guy reruns late at night and curling up on the couch with some California rolls.

Book (magazine) everyone should read: I’m going to have to go with Maxim magazine.

Second only to the Bible in cultural importance. Giggidy.

Is this the Master Plan? Carey-fication??

Hi, I'm Petey, this is my goalie Carey, and this is my other goalie Karri.

So now that's we've had a little time to consider this Karri Ramo for Cedrick Desjardins deal, we've come up with two explanations.

Explanation Number One (which makes at least some hockey sense): The Goat intends for Karri to join Carey as his backup next season. More than that, based on the fact that the 25-year old Ramo already has two 20-plus NHL seasons, and last season had a pretty good year as full-time starter in the KHL, he'll challenge for the starter's role. If Carey The First falters this year as full-time, undisputed starter, the Goat has a 'backup plan' (heh, pun) in Karri The Second next year.

And let's not get too wrapped up with Cedrick the Puck-Stopper being the next coming of Georges Vezina. He was undrafted, and was the 17th ranked Habs prospect at Hockey' Future. His NHL upside was likely only to be a backup. I like the kid, he obviously knows how to win, but at 24 he hasn't played an NHL game. I'll wait a season and take the KHL starter, thank you.

Explanation Number Two (which admittedly is less likely, but would enshrine Geoff Molson into the Crazy/Rogue Owner Club with Harold Ballard, Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban. Hey, the Habs didn't win any Cups under the caretaker Uncle George, why hope for a different result with the same approach?): Geoff Molson and Pierre Gauthier have a plan, including several more planned acquisitions.

Not just a plan, but a Master Plan. A great vision for the franchise, which they have dubbed "Carey-fication."

Acquiring Karri to back up/challenge Carey as soon as next year was only Step 1.

Step 2: Anoint new goaltending coach.

Next, the Master Plan calls for hiring former NHL goaltender Kari Takko as a special goaltending consultant. With the acquisition of a young Finnish goaltender, it was important to introduce someone with similar experiences: like being a marginal NHL talent who runs back to Europe when the going gets rough.

Step 3: Acquire new National Anthem Singer (and husband).

Hey, Mike Fisher can play on my team any day. Has some size, decent hands, and a good work ethic. Problem is, The Goat will probably give up PK to get him. All to Carey-fy the pre-game rituals by adding Mrs. Carrie Fisher. She may be NHL WAG #1, a good singer (if you call country 'music'), and obviously she was properly named. But I still prefer the original.

Step 4: Hire New flexibility coach.

Remember all those injuries last season? Forget strength and conditioning, it's all due to lack of proper stretching. Duh - even the Vikings knew the importance of stretching before a battle. So why not hire a former Olympic gold medalist who's all about the bendy? Plus, Keri Strug didn't turn out half bad. (And, I hear she's a gymnast in bed.)

Finally, Step 5: Add New Assistant to the GM.

Hi there, Carrie Prejean and Trump's boobs. Why? Because The Goat needs someone to make him look smart.

You know you're despereate for puck when you're googling "Carrie Prejean". Fucking sign someone already, Goat. We're bored.

The Weekly Tuesday Morning Skate for Tuesday, August 24

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of cleaning up in the divorce settlement...

• The Artist formerly known as the Cristo-Wall is going to be playing in Switzerland this year. Remember when he was our franchise goalie? Hahahahaha;
  
• There's some Global Hockey Summit going in on Toronto. We have no idea what it is. Sounds like a hockey executive circle jerk;
• Shootout wins will no longer count in the tie-breaker formula. Hopefully this is step one in the return of the old-fashioned 60 minute tie game;
• And of course your Tuesday reminder to check out our True Blood Recap.

TFS still not signed? Check. Training camp in three and half weeks? Check. Panic settling in? Check.

Sexy Saturday is cleaning out some files

Nothing says Sexy like Hal Gill

Morning all. So sorry for the lack of Sexy Friday yesterday. Real life and all. So for Sexy Saturday we're doing something special - dumping a whole lotta crap on you! Consider these the FHF sexy deleted scenes, as we clean out some photos from our hard drive (to make room for more porn). There's just so much sexy goodness (in these pics that didn't make the cut in the first place), we're putting the whole thing after the jump. Join us for a trip down memory lane by doing the clickity-click thing NOW...

This summer's World Cup was awesome for its sexiness. First, here's a bonus pic we didn't use of that famous Paraguayan babe with the boobs and the cell phone and the boobs. You know, what's-her-name. Man her 15 minutes are up.


And some random World cup babeage:



I think we once had a streak going where we only posted chicks who slept with Tom Brady for the previews. Here's a couple of outtakes from that series.



Our hard drive is filled with random stripper pics. Sometimes it's pretty obvious why we didn't use them. That den mother second from right is frightening me.


Here's some women drinking champagne, because, uh, we were celebrating something maybe?


We seem to have a whole series of sexy nun pictures on our hard drive. I vaguely recall a sexy nun preview a few years back. Or maybe these were just mixed in from our personal collection.


And finally, no sexy outtakes would be complete without a couple of selections from the Weekend Open Thread of Love series. Enjoy your weekend kids. Hockey season is just around the corner.

Guy Freed!!

Our long-lasting national nightmare is over. The Flower has had his conviction overturned by the Quebec Court of Appeals. Guy had been convicted of giving contradictory testimony in the trial of his son Mark. The Court of Appeals found that, uh, hmmm, Guy did not give contradictory testimony. Or something. I know nothing about criminal law. When Guy gets sued for copyright infringement on the internet, then I can explain to you what's going on in all the legal detail you can imagine.

The Weekly Tuesday Morning Skate for Tuesday, August 17

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Lindsay getting out of rehab early...

• Oh Cedrick, we hardly knew ye. Habs trade goalies with Tampa as the Bolts continue to become Habs South, with Cedrick Desjardins going the snowbird route and Karri Ramo coming north. Another francophone out of the Habs organization;
• Tomas Kaberle will be a Leaf forever, and we laugh;
• TMS is in the land formerly known as the Land of 56k Modems but now known as the Land of No HBO Only TV, so Wrap Around Curl is covering this week's True Blood recap with her usual gif-y goodness.
  

First preseason game only 35 days away!

TFS Birthday Wishes / Signing Begging Sexy Friday Edition

Look Carey, it's totally understandable you'd like some extra benjamins to spend in Montreal's VIP rooms so you're holding out for more cash. But you're a celebrity, I'm sure they'll comp you. Win some games and they'll really comp you, if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge wink wink say no more.

TFS Birthday Wishes / Signing Begging Day 2

Yo, dude. You should like, totally sign a contract already. The best Montreal bud is harvested in late August, so you'll want to have some cash on hand by then. There's so much of it, we're filling giant orange spheres with vodka and taking bong hits. Then we're having grilled cheese sandwiches and something called a frappé. At least, I think we are. My perception is a little fuzzy.

TMS is luring TFS to town for Tuesday, August 10th

Thanks to an anonymous commentor and lazy L Dude we were made aware Carey has a birthday coming up; he'll turn 23 on Monday. We present the first in our photo series of him with Montreal chicks as a birthday present and to entice him to sign a fucking contract already. No matter what his agent says, pretty soon we will start to freak the fuck out.

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Sienna Miller in a bikini...

• Contract... denied! Arbitrator smells something fishy in the Kovalchuk deal and rejects it. C'mon, it seemed kosher to us, and we're a lawyer;
• The Bulldogs are down to five defencemen, with some guy I haven't heard of getting signed by the Sentaors;
• Louis Leblanc impresses at the Team Canada development camp;
• A Heritage Classic at Molson Stadium would be beyond awesome;
• Number 1 goalie Alex Auld will wear number 35;
  
• You should realize by now these Tuesday TMSs are just to pimp our latest True Blood recap.

Back to sleep...

Sexy Friday welcomes Ovie's new girlfriend, needz her get chzbrgr

Meet Valeria Sokolova, ridiculously skinny Russian model / actress / whatever and now apparently hanging out with Alex Ovechkin at soccer games in Russia. The two are quite an item according to all reports. That is all.

Many lap dances to Weed over at Sportress of Blogitude, where you can find a huge gallery of Valeria and really see her bones, if you're into that sort of thing.

Vodkov named deputy leader of Parti Québécois

Unwilling to let BGL steal the political spotlight, Habs D Andrei Markov has announced he has been named by the Parti Québécois as their new deputy leader in charge of immigration. Markov, a recently-named Canadian citizen, has been secretly taking French lessons in light of comments from an Anglo journalist. PQ leader Pauline Marois sought out the Habs D and recruited him upon hearing the news that Markov had already mastered the essential phrases "deux bières s'il vous plait" and "vive le Québec libre," and to count to 50% +1 in French. She knew he would have some free time considering the injury that will prevent him from the starting the season with his teammates. "With his new-found love of smokes, beer, and an independent Québec, we knew Andrei was the perfect choice to represent the next generation of Québécois," said Marois.

Bertrand Raymond was said to be pleased with the news.

The Morning Skate checks in for Tuesday, August 3

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of yet another Israel-Lebanon war...

• Louis Leblanc prepares for his role as sauveur de la franchise;
  
• Métro signs with EV Zug of the Swiss league. Zug alors;
• BGL has officially retired. Politics is a 24-7 job you know;
• Blackhawks prefer Marty Turco's salary to Antti Niemi's. You know any teams with no signed goalie and a little cap space?
• Looks like Mike Modano will sign with the Wings;
  
• This week's True Blood recap is bloody.

Thank you for watching. This is TMS, checking out again.

BGL to take over Canadian Government

Georges Laraque is now deputy leader of the Green Party. That's one step away from leader, which is one step away from Prime Minister. Vote Green!

Here's a preview of his first speech in the House of Commons: "TekSAVEEEEE!!! TekSAVEEEEEE!!!!!" [elbows Harper, knocks Ignatieff in the teeth]