- Well the farce is finally over with. Team Lidstrom beats Team Staal 11-10. Patrick Sharp was the MVP in a losing cause with 1 G 2A, even though Team Lidstrom had three players with 2 G each in a winning cause, so we're not sure what that's about. Carey Price made some saves and let in some goals. Somehow Nik Lidstrom was a +7; that's scary. The highlight was Ovie throwing his stick to give up a penalty shot. Or the highlight was the curling CBC showed instead of the player intros;
- Jack Todd makes some sense this morning.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Morning Skate gets back to work for Monday, January 31st
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Australian Open...
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread
James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.
Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?
Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?
NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.
McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!
Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.
Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!
McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.
Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.
Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!
NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...
Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?
McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!
McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?
Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.
NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.
McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.
Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?
McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!
Duthie: Andrei?
Andrei: Carey Price.
McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.
Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.
Andrei: Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.
Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.
Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.
Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.
Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.
McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].
McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!
Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.
Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.
Andrei: Malkin.
Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.
Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.
Andrei: Tim Thomas.
Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.
McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!
Duthie: Shut it.
Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.
Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?
Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.
Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?
Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.
McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].
Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?
Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.
Price: Duthie, dude! Done.
Duthie: Andrei?
Andrei: Phil Kessel.
Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].
Andrei: So I is winner, yes?
Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.
The All-Star Sexy Friday Morning Skate for January 28th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Cristiano Ronaldo's perfect girlfriend in lingerie...
- You missed nothing. It's the All-Star break. The Player Draft goes tonight. In preparation, FHF will present its own mock draft later today (or tomorrow maybe; we're not too good at planning around here). If you think the FHF mock draft will be serious, you're seriously mistaken;
- Caps sign Semin to a one-year extension;
- Here's an article about how the Leafs suck;
- Here's another one;
- And another one;
- Here's one about how Brian Burke sucks;
- The Hamilton Bulldogs' six-game win streak came to an end last night.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Morning Skate says goodbye to Ben CaHOOOOON for Thursday, January 27th
Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of an Als' season without Ben CahOOOOON...
- Ugh. Not only did we lose going in to the break, but the Bs won;
- As did the Thrashers, who are now nipping at our heels;
- As did the Whalercanes, who are now nipping at the Thrashers' heels;
- Some other games happened, but really, who cares, we're already in All-Star break mode;
- Here's a positive article on the Habs on TSN. Huh? Oh, it was written by the Canadian Press not "TSN Staff";
- Goodbye Ryan White, we hardly knew ye;
- In case you missed it yesterday, PFK is going to the All-Star SuperDuperSkills Comp.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Need a new dreamcatCHer? ~ Flyers 5 - Habs 2 - No wish fulfilment, no pleasure principled Game review
DreamsCHape ~ Like J.T., I gave up/out by the 2nd period. Similar to the Habs I tossed and turned, made a wet spot, CHanged my socks, got a few winks and woke up to a week of analysis, meditation and hopefully a reCHarged body, mind and soul as I prepare to CHeer our team to a playoff position, one where they do (don't?) meet the fucking PHlyers in round one. A wet dream? A nightmare? Time to lay on the couCH and review things.
Resolving inner conflicts ~ nope, Habs consciously pooCHed the PK and the game
Counting sCHeep ~ stop at 5, otherwise go to hell
Conscious ~ DarCHe and Double D (that's a lot of Ds)
Unconscious ~ Rest of the team, maybe they need rest
Subconscious ~ They already miss Muller?
Flip to the cold side of the Draft ~ I know, Carter and Giroux could've be ours
Enter Boogey/Sandman ~ PHucking PHronger's PHour PHucking PHoints
Wet dreams ~ As a young teenager, this dreamy dame got me moist;
FHFemmes were probably all over this hairy Beest;
Insomniacs ~ Our Sens fan friends
Piss/crap the bed, time to change the sheets ~ leaf
Bunk bed buddies ~ PFK! and TFS™ seem rather CHummy away from the arena, too bad Subban didn't make the rookie ASG, what the fuck is that all about? (Fixed)
Coach sleeps with his socks on ~ CHocula seems like such a straight-laced fellow. When he sleeps, wonder where his fingers go. Do we need deeper interpretation? Picture him in leather.
Give us your secret word and test results on using benzodiazepine with ice cream in the comments.
G Y F H G !
The Morning Skate has a bad taste in his mouth as the All-Star break begins on Wednesday, January 26th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making it to 112 years old...
- Blech. Blech blech blech. Habs played a great 15 minutes of hockey to open the game and really looked like they meant business. Then an almost comical series of penalties late in the period resulted in two Flyer PP goals, and it was all downhill from there to a 5-2 final. LEARN TO COUNT TO FIVE SKATERS ALREADY FOR FUCK'S SAKE. More later, if we can stomach it. Blech;
- Some consolation for scoreboardwatcher as the Rangers lost;
- Yay! Ottawa got a point! We're pity-rooting for them now;
- We would never pity-root for Toronto, tho. Bolts 2, Leaf 0;
- Pens doing it with defence, 1-0 over the Isles;
- Saku had a couple of assists in the Ducks' 3-2 win over the BJ's;
- Some player we never heard of is suing the Ducks for anti-semitism;
- Isles suspend Nabby for not showing up.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
We're planning the Habs' All-Star break for this Flyers preview and open thread
Ah, the All-Star break. A time when 1% of the league gathers for a useless 14-11 game and some photo ops, and the other 99% of the league does something else (hookers and blow). With all the Habs but TFS having a week off after tonight, we thought we'd provide a couple of handy suggestions as to how they should spend their time.
PatCHes - chest protector shopping
The Mexican - mentally prepare for traditional second half points explosion; alternative - meeting with financial planners
MOEmaN - dig up more dirt on CHokula to regain top 6 forward status
Tits - studying for kindergarten equivalency degree
Tommy Pyatt - actually get in some ice time
Hal Gill - potluck dinner preparation
PFK - attend Homer Simpson Showboating Academy for additional ideas to really piss Don Cherry off
Entire defensive corps - knee-strengthening exercises, and lots of 'em
Alex Auld - get kick-ass head tattoo
CHokula - sign up for "Get in Touch With Your Emotions" seminar at the Holiday Inn by the airport
CoaCH Kirk - resumé writing workshop
PleXXXe - beach time. You've earned it. Like you earned an ASG invite you didn't get, because the ASG is biased against two-way players.
OK let's set up the Phucktards with a little help from some other All-Star Games from around the world of sports.
Waiting for defense in an NBA ASG - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on Versus for all you 'Mericans. The Flyers are probably the best team in the league right now, and these are arguably the two hottest teams in the league in 2011. Flyers have gone 9-2-0 in January, while the Habs went 6-1-3 over the same span. This is the fourth and final meeting between the teams, the Flyers holding a 2-1 edge. A win would tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, though the Bs would have one game in hand.
Like the WNBA ASG; you really don't want to watch, but you can't turn away from the giant freaks - I expect some Broad Street Hockey drop-ins tonight. Play nice everyone!
Hot like Pete Rose barreling into
As useless as the Pro Bowl - given the teams' respective January records, it's no surprise that neither team has any really bad players right now. I just wanted to write that the Pro Bowl is useless.
If you get injured in an ASG you're either Ted Williams,
Post-game adult entertainment - All-Star Porn Girls! (really very completely totally NSFW)
Are you an all-star commentor? Prove it.
The last Game Day Skate for a while for Tuesday, January 25th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of friending the Pope on Facebook...
- Thank you from standingwatcher, Jonathan Quick! Kings 2, Bs 0;
- No thank you, stupid extra point rule: Rangers 2, Caps 1 (SO);
- Give the Leaf credit for fighting back twice against the Canes. Hahaha, no don't be silly, and of course they lost, 6-4;
- Your token West game was a bit of a surprise, the struggling Nucks crushing the surging Stars, 7-1;
- Marc Savard, concussion, etc. Sounds familiar;
- Here's you power rankings roundup: ESPN (Habs 10th), TSN (12th), The Hockey News (10th). Don't trust the TSN one tho given they have the Bs 1st for some bizarre reason, like the TSN staff being idiots;
- CHallah Halpern will be back against the Flyers;
- François Gagnon has BREAKING EXCLUSIVE NEWS that Kirk Muller will leave the Habs after this season when his contract expires, because he is a good candidate for a lot of coaching positions. Tell us something we don't know.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The noontime skate is firing cannons for Monday, January 24th
Bullet points for what you missed while sleeping off your Championship Sunday hangover...
- We guess some hockey games happened yesterday. We didn't notice, we were watching football. Let's see, Flyers win, Islanders are terrible, nothing newsworthy there. Devils won their fourth straight. Atlanta lost, that's good;
- Garth Snow: "Hey Nabby, we've signed you. When would you like to report?" Nabby: *Click*;
- Looks like Sid won't play the ASG, and Geno isn't too likely either;
- All you Sens fans (I'm sure there are still some somewhere) calling for a GM or coach firing are out of luck;
- Komi is allegedly punching women and not commenting on it. No comment on the no comment;
- The Leaf Stan Lee Guardian is a tree;
- Goodbye SCHrabble, we hardly knew ye;
- Jack Todd sort of gets it, but not really. It was never the fans who ran Koivu out of town, you idiot. If it was anyone, it was, you know, the media.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Red, White and Blue Badge of CHourage ~ Ducks 4 - Habs 3 (SO) ~ Saku's homecoming ~ Game Review
"He suddenly lost concern for himself, and forgot to look at
a menacing fate. He became not a man but a member.
He felt that something of which he was a part—a regiment, an army,
a cause, or a country—was in a crisis. He was welded into a common
personality which was dominated by a single desire."
~ Stephen Crane
The desire to win, to beat the opponent, be it the xenophobic Québec media, the true on-ice rival Bruins and worse fucking cancer. Our valiant little 'C' beat the Bill 101 crazies, beat the big bad Bs and biggest of all beat the big fucking C, all along winning our hockey and humane hearts. Keep fighting courageously. Merci, Thank You, Kiitos Saku.
♥ ❤ ❥
Disregard Gordie's Bruins jersey (but fitting considering Saku always played and beat them well).
One of my fave Hip tunes. Great lyrics, cool fucking vocals and incredible musicianship.
CHourage
Watch the game with a bunCH of FHFers
Quickly, follow the anthem with someone known
Quickly, follow the spotlight with someone familiar
Quickly someone familiar
CHourage, Saku's word, he came home, its all that mattered
Habs sleepwalked, so fast asleep in the first period
The Habs play at home and fans bliss on their old Captain
Standing O!, he kissed all our Bell Centre surroundings
CHourage, Saku's word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, our word, Koivu came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, my word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, fucking cancer, couldn't come at a worse time!
(un-parodied)
"So there's no simple explanation
for anything important any of us do
and yea the human tragedy
consists in the necessity
of living with the consequences
under pressure, under pressure"
CHourage, Saku's word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, our word, Koivu came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, my word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, 3rd penalty, couldn't come at a worse time! PatCHes!
CHourage, overtime, couldn't determine a winner!
CHourage, shootout, couldn't score at a worse time! 0 for 3.
CHourage, 2nd Star, couldn't come at a better time! SAKU KOIVU!
CHourage!!!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Game Review: Habs TD+ Convert (FG), Sens 1 / Game Preview: Sakuuuuu!
29 teams in the NHL use these as sleeping pills...
... the Sens wish they were cyanide tablets for use during intermission
While last night wasn't the snoozefest that I thought it would be, I still found it to be a hard game to watch. Had it been the Bruins, Leafs, Flyers or, heck, even the Rangers, I would have rubbed my hands with glee over every goal and cackled with delight when the Sens were getting "hey hey goodbye-ed" in their own fucking barn.
The problem is that I harbour no real ill-will towards the Senators. They, much like the city they call home, are like that geeky kid that lives next door: always trying to hang out with the big boys, but never be able to fit in 'cause he's not cool/athletic enough. He gets on your nerves because he tries so damned hard, but his efforts are usually laughable. His heart's in the right place, though, so you feel bad for picking on him so much.
The geeky kid looks strangely like a Spartan, er... "Centurion" that I remember having seen somewhere before...
Watching the Sens in their prolonged death spiral this season makes me sad for their fans. I know what it's like to watch the team you love find new and creative ways to suck every night.
So, Sens fans, pretend that last night's game was Kovy's tribute to Saku. He got his team to play like the Late 90's/Early 00's Habs with which Koivu was saddled for most of his tenure in Montreal.
Does that feel better?
No? Ass still smarting from the spanking that you got from a team that either can't score or that inevitably chokes on any commanding lead it manages to get?
Oh... My bad.
Moving right along, then...
***********************
I'm not sure what else to say about this game that hasn't already been said before by people far more eloquent than I.
So I'll just say this: If the Canadiens are the lifeblood of Montreal, then Saku was our heart for many years. And, although we've all had to move on (and, by and large, are the better for having done so), he'll always have a special place in our hearts.
Saku, even though you said yesterday that don't think your name belongs in the rafters of the Bell Centre, I think you're dead wrong. You showed everyone in this cynical, money-grubbing league filled with zillionnaires for hire that sometimes, what you do off the ice is more important than the final score of any game.
Welcome home, Saku Koivu.
Puck drops at 7:00.
Comments/Memories/Tributes? Talk about 'em in the comments... And, while you're at it, why don't ya go and vote for Saku as first star of the game so that we can thank him together one last time?
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sexy Friday M*A*S*H Up: 4077th Habs at Sens Game Preview and Open Thread
Who's in triage? Look, all anyone is talking about since the Habs got Buffaloed is the wounded, so let's get it out of the way: Max Pac got his chest Wizzed on but thinks he can go tonight so he'll be a game time decision. Cammy is out up to a month with a messed-up shoulder. Halpern didn't make the short trip because he got his bell rung versus Lindy's thugs on parade. Chicken is a game-time decision, still suffering from flu-like symptoms. Hal Gill's hand/wrist seem okay. PK's foot got banged up but he's in. Markov and Gorges are still done. Sens are also MASHed up, missing Jason "I always score a great looking goal against Montreal" Spezza, Pascal "No Quebecois goalie to bite the Habs ass tonight" Leclaire, and L'Artiste himself, Alexei Kovalev (broken mojo/bum knee).
New recruits: Already sporting greenhorns Yanick Weber and David Desharnais, plus Max Pac and PK, the Habs get two more call ups from the Bulldogs as Andreas Enqvist and Ryan White make the trip to Ottawa. Chocula already loves the boring, safe, defensively responsible and offensively challenged Enqvist like a son. White hits too much and offers too much energy to really be accepted by Chocula, although his glaring offensive weaknesses at least earn him "foster child" status.
Hot Lips Houlihan has nothing on these guys: Carey Price has started treating pucks like North Korea treats journalists again, allowing very few past his borders. He's 4-1-1 after the rough stretch in December. PK scored the game winner versus Calgary and played roughly three hours versus Buffalo; he and the Wiz (10 points in 9 games) carry the defence. Big Tits has looked like a player you'd want over the past two. Pleks has turned it around some (4 points in 5). Special mention to Panger-sized David Desharnais, who is making some noise in an attempt to stick with the big club. For Ottawa, Milan Michalek and the Foligno kid have 5 points in their last five.
Colder than Hawkeye and BJ's martinis: Seriously, when was the last time Gionta scored? And not to go back to early season lamentations, but don't look at Gomez's stat line over the past week (1 point in 5 games and a costly penalty in Buffalo). With Cammy suddenly not able to stay healthy, Bob Gainey's smurf spending spree of a few years back is again a concern. Alex Auld looked shell-shocked versus Calgary. The Sens are brutal right now and not even Saint Alfredsson can save them: he has one point in his last 4. The Ottawa defence is particularly culpable - Sergei Gonchar might be the worst free agent signing of the year, youngster Eric Karlsson has 2 points in 7, and Chris Phillips hasn't tallied a point in 27 games. Christ, you can almost get second assists by accident and a guy playing top four minutes hasn't scored a point in half a season?
Suicide is painless: We miss FiveforSmiting and wish SLC hadn't pulled the plug.
In war, all the humour is dark: Some sick bastard in NHL scheduling just had to put the Habs back-to-back versus the Yin and Yang of the early 2000's Habs, didn't he? Kovy and Koivu (sniff) on consecutive nights makes for an interesting comparison.
Post-game entertainment: It's Not-So-Sexy Friday night in Kanata. You might have more fun in a war-torn 1950's Korea, especially if the nurses looked like this:
The Game Day Skate has been sexified for Friday, January 21st
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Brooklyn Decker in a see-though top...
- Scoreboardwatcher ruled last night. Somehow the Sabres managed to beat the Bs 4-2;
- And the Canes managed to topple the Rangers;
- And the Bolts beat the Thrash 3-2, though the Thrash got a point;
- Scoreboardwatcher is less happy with the Caps over the Isles 2-1;
- Look out for the Devils! Brodeur back to form as they beat the Sid-less, Geno-less Pens 2-0;
- Chris Pronger returned for the Flyers last night against the Sens and waddya know, the third period was a brawlfest. We're sure there's no connection. Oh the score was Flyers 6, Sens 2;
- 2 goals for Grabs in the Leafs 5-2 win over the Ducks. Must have been some bag skate Wilson gave 'em;
- Your token West game was a good one, the Wings blowing a 3-goal lead before beating the Blues in OT 4-3;
- After recalling SCHrabble Wednesday, yesterday the Habs recalled Ryan White. Did he get a nickname in his previous stint with the big club?
- Not hockey-related at all, but a fascinating read if you're bored at work today, a GQ profile of Deadspin's AJ Daulerio.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Morning Boo-boo Report for Thursday, January 20th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman...
- What a day yesterday for injury watCHers. Without any official word from the Habs, bring on the guesses and RDS speculation. RDS tweeted that Squid was out four weeks minimum, yet that doesn't appear on RDS.ca anywhere, so that should give you pause. What does appear on RDS.ca is that PatCHes' ribs are only bruised, and he should even skate today to test things out. Hickey says it's "unlikely" Halpern will play tomorrow. Who the fuck knows;
- We do know that the Habs called up Andreas Enqvist to have at least one more healthy body in time for tomorrow. He's 6'4"!!! W00t!!! Our literary commentariat (
o-man I believeSteve) has already nicknamed him Scrabble, or SCHrabble; - God bless the Toronto Sun, and not just for the Sunshine Girl. Love this headline: "Leafs rotten to the core", which is just perfect in light of their 7-0 drubbing by the Rangers last night where Gaborik had 4 goals and the greatest goalie ever Jonas Gustavvson was pulled. We don't even care that the Rangers won dropping the Habs to 7th, the Leafs losing really badly is just too much fun;
- The Wild know how to put away the Flames unlike some teams and win 6-0;
- BJ's 3, Panthers 2 (OT). Talk about a "who cares" game;
- Don Cherry is speaking up against head shots (though against actual rules to prevent them) because you know, a player he actually cares about got concussed.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Paging Doctor Mulder - Sabres 1, Gutsy Habs 1, Refs 1 (OT)
You know, I generally really hate people who blame the refs. It's a pet peeve of mine.Yes, the reffing may have been crappy in a particular game, but give it up dude. You lost, you didn't score enough goals to win, etc. etc. Even if the team that was allegedly screwed was the Habs, I hated falling into that blame the refs trap. I thought it was cowardly and just idiotic. Man up; you / we lost, get over it.
But not anymore. Because I am now one of those people. I blame the refs for last night, and deservedly so.
Do I think the Gomez penalty in the last minute of a 1-1 game was a penalty? Absolutely (though I believe the recipient clearly embellished, and Gomez' stick really didn't connect, his hand did). Do I blame Gomez for taking it? Not in the fucking least, even though he himself has taken full responsibility and others have blamed him. I don't blame him because he believed that the refs had put their whistles away in the last couple of minutes of a tie game, if not the whole fucking last two periods. How could he not when CHeez Whiz was absolutely CRUSHED, FROM BEHIND, INTO THE BOARDS by Gaustad I think it was, with no call whatsoever, no more than a minute before Gomez got called. I tried to find video of it but the NHL powers that be have removed all traces of it from the internet. You could point to a bunch of other non-calls too, from Lego getting hacked IN THE FACE and repeatedly cross-checked and manhandled and roughed and boarded and molested by Tyler Myers to a blatant holding the stick of Moen to other shit I'm too angry about to try and remember.
What REALLY pisses me off is that the refs seemed to have been influenced by Lindy Ruff's little temper tantrum early in the game when one of his players actually did get called for a penalty. Lindy railed into the refs, and from then on out, they seemed to be scared of him. DO YOU SEE NOW CHOKULA WHY SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SCREAM AT THE REFS??? I hate this fucking league.
Anything else happen in the game last night? No? Moving on then.
Oh right, right, we had a couple guys get dinged. Let's go to the bullet points:
- Squid's shoulder goes crashing into the boards (with a shove from behind btw, no call), looks to be separated, TSN reported minimum two weeks out;
- Max PatCHes' giant heart takes a CHeez Whiz slap shot, he's rushed to hospital though he flew home with the team. RDS reports it's his ribs, no word on seriousness;
- CHallah disappears in the first sometime, returns to the bench but barely sees any action;
- PFK blocks a shot with his foot, limps / crawls off the ice but returns;
- Hal Gilligan injures his wrist, looks to be ok;
- JM appeared to be unconscious (well, ok, that's every game);
- Mcsplooge seemed to be suffering from some horrible laughing disease. Fuck you you asshole, your Hamilton jokes were not funny.
Gentlemen, I don't find it easy to talk at a time like this, but I got to say something about that team up there, and I can sum it all up in just one word: courage...dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, The Habs got more guts in their little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, INCLUDING THE COLON.
/ falls over drunk
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Always Be Prepared ~ Habs 5 - Flames 4 (OT) win and Shovel Off to Buffalo Preview and Open Thread
sCHout's Oath
On my CHonour, I will do my best
To do my duty to Geoff
and Habs CHountry and to obey the sCHout Law;
To help other teammates at all times, especially in OT;
To keep my shot physically strong, be mentally
awake in the paint and keep my arrow fucking straight.
Working on the Buffalo Preview
but down with the fucking flu and
the DayQuil is kicking me in the Pants!
G Y F H G !
~ . ~ . ~
Post nasal drip Preview Update:
Craig 'The Asshole' Rivet and his 25th place shitty team (19-20-5) steps onto the ice to face the 9th place Habs (26-17-3), RDS/TSN/Versus, 7h30pm start, HSBC Arena.
Craig 'The Jerk' Rivet will probably be skating in front of Ryan 'Silver' Miller and facing Carey TFS™ Price.
Craig 'The Loudmouth' Rivet will not be facing CHicken, who had helped the Habs win the first three matchups so far. Sabres' Olympian Derek Roy bumped his head on his diving board.
Craig 'The Shoveller' Rivet, who wears a 'C' for cocksucker, isn't doing much on BUFs 17.8% PP (worse than the Habs 19.0%), nor on their 82.0% PK (also not better than the Habs 86.6%).
Craig 'The Whiner' Rivet's team ain't looking to good to make the playoffs, whereas Josh Gorges' and Max Pacioretty's team right now is. Thanks Bob Gainey.
Craig 'The Angry White Guy' Rivet isn't too happy that a pumped PFK! is hot. Thx iRiRi.
Craig 'The Struggling Sabre' Rivet probably doesn't like CHeez Whiz. We do.
Craig 'The Sack of Shit' Rivet's dirty teammate and Buffalo native Patrick Kaleta is in. Expect the game to get Ruff, especially if the Sabres are sucking it with two minutes to go.
Man, I've got a splitting headaCHe but yes "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy". Watch the entire thing.
A little TLC, too.
G Y F H G !
The Game Day Morning Skate for Tuesday, January 18
Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of banning a 25 year-old song from the radio...
- Man there is a LOT to say about last night's 5-4 (OT) win over the Flames. The Heritage tuques. Habs cruise to a 4-0 lead. Habs epically blow a 4-0 lead. Both starting goalies pulled. Some good to see scorers (Squid, Tits, Lego) and a jubilant PFK getting the OT winner and celebrating (FHF version) / being uppity (Don Cherry version). Wings! 6th place! Did I mention blowing a four goal lead? Ugh. Anyway. More later today;
- The big gorilla gets his first career hat trick in the Bs' 7-0 crushing of the Canes;
- Devils manage to win last night's Battle of Suck over the Isles;
- Thrashers get a 3-2 (SO) win over the Panthers to grab a hold on 8th in the East;
- Your token West game has the Sharks over the Yotes;
- Sid to skip the All-Star game?
- For those of you dying to see Benny Brunet back on skates in the CH (and maybe taking a puck to the head), you're going to get your wish!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Stan Lee's Canadien Guardian will eat your children and enslave your women for this Flames preview and open thread
As mentioned in TMS this morning, the NHL and Stan Lee have teamed up to promote the All-Star game by having superheroes, or "Guardians" of all the NHL teams in time for game. And over the weekend, the Canadien was revealed. It frightens us. Let's take a look at the superpowers he was given:
Legendary protector of Quebec
I think a million Nords fans in this province would rather see another English win on the Plains of Abraham than be protected by anyone with a CH on their chest.
Controls power absorption and magnification
We're really not sure what this means, but if "controls power absorption" translates to "limit the ability to score", CHokula already has that job covered.
That's it? Well, those powers are totally useless. Here's some superpowers he should have been given:
- Strength to squish The Mexican's salary with one hand;
- Sense to determine if JM is breathing;
- Magical touch that heals defensemen's knees;
- Rotating the Earth to turn back time to the 1970's;
- Ability to communicate with Belarussians of limited intelligence.
Waiting for the Joss Whedon Avengers movie - 7:30 PM start at the Bell. On TSNHabsBell and Sportsnet West for you Panger types. This is the teams' first meeting this year, the next one will be the Winter Classic in February. Flames coming off two straight wins, including Saturday night against the Leafs we all saw because the CBC couldn't switch there fast enough. The Flames are 6-2-2 in their last 10 to get back to .500, working mightily to get back into the playoff picture after a miserable start to the season. Here's a pleasing stat - Habs are actually 4-1-1 in their last 6 at the Bell. A win would NOT tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, because I'm an idiot.
Magneto - as much as the Flames can be a villain. Unfortunately the other FHF has closed down so check out the amusing Dome Beers and their many pics of half-naked CHicks. So they're like FHF too.
Flying high like Spider-Man swinging from buildings - Big Bald Alex Auld is 2-0-0, 1.37, .941 in his last 3 and gets his first-ever Bell Centre start. PleXXXe and CHeez Whiz are a point per game over their last 4. For the Flames, Iggy has 5 points in his last 4, and some goalie named Henrik Karlsson is playing well.
Iceman (and not in a good kind of way) - Mexican and Gio both pointless in 3.
Damaged like The Hulk's pants - CHicken and CHeez Whiz (sounds delish!) are both suffering from the new "inner body injury" that is sweeping the team and are game-time decisions. Rumoured future Habs D Robyn Regehr is day to day with a leg injury.
Is it possible to have sex with an Invisible Woman? If she's played by Jessica Alba, I sure will try.
Bring your commenting superpowers to bear!
The Game Day Skate for Monday, January 17th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making it to the AFC CHanpionsh... FUCK YEAH FUCK YOU BILL BELICHICK...
- Hey, scoreboard help! The Rangers lose 3-2 to the Flyers, and Gaborik was benched. Sure, benching always works with enigmatic Europeans;
- Sens almost had something going but the Caps get 3 goals in the 3rd for a 3-1 win;
- The Finnish Used To Be Flash got his 1300th career point in the Ducks' 3-2 win over the Oil;
- We actually almost sort of agree with Jack Todd today, if only he wouldn't write like a 3-year old child sometimes;
- The NHL's Stan Lee Guardian Project All-Star promotion thingy finally gets to the Habs, and we are afraid for our life.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Go CHoCHonuts! Habs 3 - Rangers 2 ~ Game Review and Open Thread
~ ~ ~
Just sit right back
And you'll hear a tale
A tale of a gameful trip,
That started from their tropic port,
Aboard JMs tiny sCHip.
The mate was a mighty tall fucking man,
The Skipper brave and system sure,
FHFive passengers set sail that day,
For a three period tour,
A three period tour.
The Rangers started getting rough,
JMs tiny sCHip wasn't tossed.
If not for the CHourage of the fearless crew
The GoHabsGo! would be lost.
The GoHabsGo! would be lost.
The sCHip set ground on the sCHore
Of this unCHarted Montréal isle
With Hal Gilligan,
JM Skipper too.
Geoff The Millionaire
And his Mexican wife,
The Big Titted movie star,
The Professeur and Carey Ann,
Here on Hal Gilligan's Montréal Isle.
So this is the tale of our CHastaways,
They're here for a long long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
1st Place is an uphill CHlimb.
Hal the first mate and JM Skipper too
Will do their very best,
To make the others CHomfortable
In their 25th Stanley Cup quest.
No phoneys, no lightweights, no motormouths,
Not a single Pants! luxury
Like Larry Robinson cruised oh
It's PFK as best he can be.
So join us here each week my FHFriends,
You're sure to get a sexy smile,
From FHFour stranded CHastaways
Here with GG11's style!
~ ~ ~
Miss Moore is pretty pissed we're so late handing out FHF's half-season grades for this Rangers preview and open thread
Some blogs like to give out half-season grades or rankings or reviews or whatever. So do we! But after 41 games, we really didn't know what kind of team we had. But after 44 games, we sure do! So with the help of Miss Moore, we'll be handing out some mid(-ish)-season grades in a sec. First, let's set up the Rangers game, Twitter-style, considering we already played them this week:
7P start Bell, CBC, Squid TFS in, PatCHes gametime dec, Tits dead. More of Miss Moore (NSFW) post-game entertainment. Was that 140 characters or less? On to the grades! WARNING - actual hockey analysis ahead. Ha! I keed, I keed. I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.
Big Bald Alex Auld (A-) - Did you know he's got a 1.74 GAA and a .941 save %? I didn't. He's been right there in every game he's played. He should probably get an incomplete considering "every game he's played" is only five of them, but fuck, I had to give an A range grade to someone, otherwise the curve would have been wrecked.
SuperpleXXXe (B+) - I guess he's been our most consistent forward all year, though that's not saying much. Even when he's not getting points (which seems to happen more and more lately) he's still out there busting his butt on every shift, PP, or PK.
TFS (B+) - After a quarter of the season he would have been an A+++, but lately, meh. I don't even think he deserves to be an All-Star to be honest. I'd take Thomas, Pavelec and Lundqvist out of the East right now.
CHeez Whiz (B) - Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster he showed up when he did, or our D would consist of Hamr, PFK and my mom. Though mom's an excellent shot-blocker.
Gio (B) - A pretty lame just over half a point per game pace, but a work ethic others (cough Tits cough) could learn from. A fine captain. I've almost forgotten ol' Saku what's his face.
DarCHe (B) - he does what he's supposed to do.
Hamr (B-) - with Gorges gone, as close as we have to a rock on defense right now. Ugh.
Gill (B-) - or maybe Gill is the rock of the defense now? Double ugh.
Halpern (B-) - For the first quarter everyone talked about what an awesome off-season pickup he was. Now, you barely hear his name mentioned anywhere. Maybe he's just disappeared into the shadows, which I guess could be a good thing for a 3rd/4th liner. Exemplary attendance record - one of only 3 players to play all 44 games.
Squid (B-) - invisible lately (even before he caught the strep throat of death), but for the first 15 games or so of the season Squid-Tits-PleXXXe was one of the best lines in the league. Do you remember that? I do not.
The Mexican (C+) - reverse of Squid. Dead for the first quarter, showing some signs of (barely) life lately. His salary has not figured into this grade. If it did, F.
PFK (C+) - held up well through the benchings and the Toronto media-created controversies, so extra credit there. He just isn't the thrilling player game in game out we thought we were getting after what we saw in the playoffs last year. Probably not be his fault (see "CHokula", below).
SpatCHes (C) - his good games are great, his bad games are terrible, which averages out to average, i.e. a C.
Tits (C) - sure he's dead now, but see Squid's note above. We all LOVED him for the first 15 games this year. I know you don't remember, but it's true.
Lego (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.
CHicken (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.
MOEmaN (C) - meh. Does not have the offensive skills to do what Chokula seems to want him to do for some bizarre reason.
Captain Picard (C) - he's just, there. A little too often for my tastes, frankly.
Pyatt (D) - Haven't heard his name in months. Is he still on the team?
Incompletes - Vodkov, Gorges (too depressing to write about), Swiss Mister II, PatCHes, Dustin Boyd, Double D.
The CoaCHes
CHokula (D-) - The "system" is a joke. Habs can't score. May have destroyed PFK forever. Essentially ran Rhino out of town just when we needed him. Inexplicably believes Moen is a scorer and a top 6 forward. Broke up the only decent line we had all year (Squid-PleXXXe-Tits). Loves Captain Picard a little too much. Bench management questionable at best. Often appears not to be alive during games. The only reason it's not an F is that hey, the Habs are in a playoff position.
Rest of staff (B+) - just hand Muller the top job already before someone else snaps him up.
OK, go ahead and tell me I'm an idiot in the comments.
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Morning Skate heads for the slopes for Sexy Friday, January 14th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of 20 snow bunnies warming you up...
- Goddamn that meteor must be on IR lately, and even the supposed best team in the East can't do the standings-watchers any favours, as the Bs manage to score 5 goals in the 3rd - Bruins 7, Flyers 5;
- The supposed best team in the West doesn't do the standings-watchers any favours either - Rangers 1, Canucks 0;
- Standings-watchers got one bit of help - Sabres 3, Canes 2;
- The Leaf come back down to planet Earth with a 5-1 loss to the Yotes;
- Well someone had to win the battle of crap - Sens 6, Isles 4;
- Here's an RDS piece on how bad Big Tits is, but you knew that already.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
sCHamWow! ~ Habs 5-2 loss to Poseur Pens Review and Open Thread
sCHamWow! is a CHleaning solution used to CHlean up major spills and boy do we have a mess to CHlean up behind aisle Bell Centre Bench. Did you know sCHamWow! can hold 2x's its weight and is maCHine washable so it can be reused over and over again? Yes, its true!
• Washes, dries, and polishes any fucking ice surface
• Will scratCH any surface like AK46
• MaCHine tradeable and bleaCHable like AK46
• Lasts 2-3 years
Offer Includes:
• 1 Large Kirk Towel, 2 Mini sCHamWows!
• Get a Second sCHamWow! FREE, the Robinson Deluxe
• A Total Of 8 sCHamWows!
• [insert number] Year Warranty
• Just Pay Separate Carbo and CHocula contracts
• FREE Bonus sCHamWow! Guy Boucher signed Mop
At least we got some Double D (aka Mini Mex) action, so that's nice.
• Easily removes PK, PP and wet stains
like AK46
• Great for defensemen, offensemen and CHildren
like AK46• Washes, dries, and polishes any fucking ice surface
• Will scratCH any surface like AK46
• MaCHine tradeable and bleaCHable like AK46
• Lasts 2-3 years
Offer Includes:
• 1 Large Kirk Towel, 2 Mini sCHamWows!
• Get a Second sCHamWow! FREE, the Robinson Deluxe
• A Total Of 8 sCHamWows!
• [insert number] Year Warranty
• Just Pay Separate Carbo and CHocula contracts
• FREE Bonus sCHamWow! Guy Boucher signed Mop
At least we got some Double D (aka Mini Mex) action, so that's nice.
Not suggesting its time for The Goat or Geoff The Owner to panic but Habs fans want an exciting team that isn't bogged down with a locked down system.
So yes, click for a trip.
As for the Poseur Pens, they can Fuck Off!
I need to go clear my head, GuinCHo (nsfw, depends where/if you work).
Peace out FHFers.
The Morning Skate for Thursday, January 13th
Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Chinese planes stealthily coming to kill you...
- Well that was just, annoying. The penalties kill us as the Pens get 4 PP goals and one canceled Habs goal and beat us 5-2. We actually thought we played pretty well to be honest, including the most exciting 6 minutes of hockey there in the 2nd we've seen in like, forever. Refs didn't help. Being tired didn't help. There's some blah blah on the internet about Fleury doing the TFS gangsta pose at the end of the game. Whatevs. Let's move on, shall we?
- Lightning take control of the Southeaast with a 3-0 shutout of the Caps;
- Corey Crawford (who?) is now the #1 goalie in Chicago after another shutout, 4-0 over the Avs;
- If you didn't see the link to BR's stupidity in the comments yesterday, go take a look;
- We found out how the Leaf is winning - Ron Wilson is bribing his own players.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Back to the Future... er Past, then Future? Game review: Habs 2, Rags 1 & Game preview: Habs vs. Pens
So for the first, say 40 minutes of boring-ass hockey that we were watching last night, the most interesting thing on the ice to me was the Rags' 85th anniversary logo at centre ice.While some people are (rightly) pointing out that it's awfully strange to celebrate a team's 85th anniversary, I thought back to the Habs' 85th season and started comparing that edition of Nos Glorieux to the current one...
And once I realized that we are in 2011, not 2001 and that, therefore it wasn't the 1983-1984 Habs but rather the 1993-1994 Habs that would have been celebrating their 85th season (math eludes me, as always), well, I began to realize that there were some striking similarities and differences between the two squads.
Then: Gary Bettman was the new commissioner of the NHL.
Now: FML, he's still here.
Then: The conferences were re-named to the Eastern and Western conferences to avoid "confusion" according to Gary Bettman.
Now: See above re: Bettman. I still miss the Campbell and Wales conferences.
Then: The Habs were just coming off a year when they had won the Stanley Cup and were considered legitimate contenders for the Cup.
Now: Er, nevermind... Next question!
Then: The Rags were going to win the Cup that season after coming in first in the Eastern conference.
Now: Doubtful, unless you can get Messier to put down the chip bag and lace 'em up again.
Then: The Habs often relied on Patrick Roy to steal games for them (which he always managed to do), and Ron Tugnutt is his solid, if unspectacular, backup.
Now: The Habs always rely on Carey Price to steal games for them (which he often, but not always manages to do), and Alex Auld is his solid, with flashes of spectacular, backup.
Then: The Habs could rely on the offensive firepower of Kirk Muller (57 points, 23 goals), Brian Bellows (71 points, 33 goals) and Vincent Damphousse (91 points, 40 fucking goals!!) to put the puck in the net on a regular basis.
Now: The Habs could rely on the offensive firepower of... er... Well, not so much rely as trying to cope with the fact that the team's "scorers" seem to be hella inconsistent and streaky this year. (Seriously - WTF is up with that?? Pleky is stone cold, as was Squid before his "internal body" injury... while Gomez, ChickenDude and Cheese Whiz are lighting it up.)
Then: Even if the Habs didn't score first, they were always a threat to win the game.
Now: Whaddya know?? The Habs came from behind to win AGAIN last night! Be still my beating heart.
Then: Guy Carbonneau was the team captain and Jacques Demers was its coach.
Now: Guy Carbonneau was the team's coach and now he's a commentator on RDS, whereas Jacques Demers was a commentator on RDS... now he's also a fucking senator.
Then: Benoit Brunet always could be counted on to make at least one boneheaded move on the ice in each game.
Now: Benoit Brunet can be counted on to make at least one boneheaded comment per play in each game.
Then: The Ottawa Senators came in last in the eastern conference with 37 points.
Now: Yep, that seems about right.
********************************
Well, now that we've looked at the past, let's take a trip in a time machine with Doctor Emmett Gill and his short sidekick Marty Gionta (the height differences work with my theme, people... just go with it!), assume that the Mayans are wrong, and preview what tonight's game would look like, if it were to be played in the Pens' 85th season, that is, the 2052-2053 NHL season.
Time:
A relative concept, but it will be playing at 7:30 on RDS, channel 6,432 in your internal TV brain chip (i.e. the channel in-between the one that the Chinese government uses to control us, and the Food Network)
Circuits firing at full speed:
Jacques Martin's carefully preserved cranium still coaches the Habs from its fishbowl perch equipped with robot arms behind the bench (they signed him to a long term contract and STILL can't fire him without hefty penalties). His biggest dream finally came true this season - he now coaches a legion of programmable androids, and he has a direct link to their positronic brains, and is able to control their slightest movements with a blink of his eye. This has given him more time to work on his crossword puzzles behind the bench.
A recently acquired defensive robot with a Cheese-like orange tinge has 6 points in 5 games, and a robot called "Chicken" due to his unfortunate programmed tendency to cluck as he picks up speed is showing that he may not be destined for the scrap heap just yet.
Almost obsolete:
After being moved to Helsinki from Pittsburgh following the city's controlled demolition as part of a global beautification project, the Pingviinis are still struggling to put together a win after the loss of their most valuable android. Unfortunately, their motivation/drive chips have been upgraded after a this string of losses and they will likely be a formidable opponent tonight.
The Habs? Well, here's hoping that their trainer techies had enough battery packs to help them recharge after yet another series of back-to-back games. The team's robots tend to go on pointless streaks on a fairly regular basis, due in part to the fact that the Martin-head forgets to blink on a regular basis.
In the Repair Bay:
Sidney Crosby's programmable android self has had to get sent to the shop in order to re-wire its cranium circuits.
While Michael Cammalleri III is one of the few remaining fully biological players in the game, his teammates have taken advantage of this fact by giving him this antiquated disease called "gastro", leading to a quarantine.
The Markov and Gorges robots are, tragically, on a shelf in the repair bay until the end of the season, due to a shortage in available replacement parts.
Is there intelligent life out there? :
Given the well-known scientific fact that Pennsylvanian sports fans were scientifically proven to represent a lower form of life (edited to add another recent occurrence of this phenomenon), all trace of their existence was wiped out in the mid 2030s. Pensblog is used as a model of what a dystopian, un-civilized society looks like. I therefore can't link to any Pens blogs in this preview.
Post-game biological interactions:
Hook your avatar up to another person's avatar and get BUSY, techie style... (SO NSFW, I FRIGGIN MEAN IT... So don't say I didn't warn you... Y'all wanted some porn, so there you go.)
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