Wednesday, December 30, 2009

We're handing out mid-season grades for our Bolts preview and open thread

The second half of the season starts tonight at 7 PM in Tampa. Tampa is alive again and into the 8th seed clusterfuck, TFS gets his first start in forever, and Hamr's back. That preview may be short, because before the second 41 begin, we need to have Danielle Lloyd help us hand out some grades for the first 41. We're only handing out grades to players who have played at least half of the first half games (goalies excepted), so this will be a quicker read than Ms. Lloyd's acting resume. And of course, remember that Panger's hockey opinion is much more valuable than mine.

SuperPleks (A+++) - when was the last time the Habs had a top 10 scorer who had more than a point per game? Exactly. May you lead the Czech Republic to a silver medal.

Squid (A-) - Bob's best off-season move by far. Doesn't get a straight A for his apparent inability to score on the road, but otherwise he's been full value.

Jaro (B+) - a .924 save % and thieving meny game from big fat wale Cari overcomes his agent's dickishness.

The Urologist (B+) - look, we didn't pick him off the scrap heap for his defense, we got him for the PP. Mission accomplished; Habs have the best PP in the league.

Hamr (B+) - was our most important D before he got injured, putting in huge minutes and doing everything asked of him.

Big Tits (B) - remember, we're grading the whole first half here. If it was just the last ten games, he'd be up there with his linemates.

Métro (B) - continues to be a decent 3rd liner with PP time.

Gomez (B-) - look, if he didn't make $8 million per year, you'd be thrilled with him as your 2nd line center.

TFS (B-) - a rough patch or two or three, but still a 2.75 GAA and .912 save %. That's not necessarily Franchise-saving material, but still pretty good.

Mara (B-) - I was (probably rightly) criticized for my undervaluing Mara in the quarter-season review, but I don't think he's played any better since.

MOEmaN (B-) - has he slowed down lately? Maybe? Maybe a C+? What do I know, I'm on vacation (read: drunk at 11 AM).

Gorges (B-) - gets extra credit for being the only D with a perfect attendance record.

[Ed. note: man that's a lot of players with some form of a B. Here's an inside joke for Panger, 10, and LG77 - they must have paid their fees.]

Gill (C+) - not as bad as we thought he'd be. Some nights. Some nights he's worse.

Jaro 2.0 (C+) - he's a healthy body who is a defenseman.

Rhino (C) - the only player with enough games (barely) to qualify for a grade who has zero points. Zero! That's pretty cool. He's not bad or anything, he just seems sort of, I don't know, there.

Mad Max (D) - showed flashes of brilliance in a game or two after Gui! left, but may soon be in even Bertrand Raymond's doghouse for his suckitude.

Dagger (D) - he just sucks.

BGL (F) - beyond sucks. Enough of him already.

Incompletes (played 20 games or less) - Vodkov, Gionta, Poule, Little Tits, Pyatt, White, and a bunch of other Hamilton bus riders.

Incomplete (author stupidity / drunkenness) - PatCHes. I fucking can't decide on a grade after thinking about him for 20 minutes. I have him him everywhere from a B to a D. Help me, commentors. Then go ahead and disagree with my grades. But remember, you'll also be disagreeing with Ms. Lloyd. She may punish you.

68 comments:

canucklehead said...

my only question after this outstanding entry is how would you grade the coach and his "style"?

HabsFan29 said...

there's a style?

Anonymous said...

Patches should get a C: A for effort, F for accomplishing nothing.

Also, Mara is -12 in 33 games. He should not have a B.

lawyergirl77 said...

Holy shit - I think that was the grade spread for JICP!!

/inside joke.

Re: Patches. He's developing into a solid 3rd line player, with flashes of potential to move up. But he's gotta start learning to play more consistently. C+?

moeman said...

CoaCH Martin's style.

Hair = D
Suits = B
Ties = B-
Gum CHewing = F
Ref ripping = F
Post-game conferences = C+
Line juggling = C (he's calmed it down of late)
System = NA

habsss said...

I find it ironic that out of all the Canadian teams only 2 have players on the Canadian olympic team, Canucks and Flames.

On the other hand both the Ducks and Sharks have 4 players each.

CanuckleHead said...

@habsss
I dont find it too ironic considering the top canadian players usually go in the early first round and those picks belong to american teams that suck for years and wind up with great picks ala the pens hawks and ducks

L Dude said...

+1 to CanuckleHead on that one.

Then again, Brent Seabrook, Ryan Getzlaf, Mike Richards and Corey Perry WERE all taken in the first round AFTER the Habs took BigTits. Not to mention Jeff Carter going immediately after him.

moeman said...

Habs have two first rounders, Bob's thoroughbred, TFS™ and GUIlty-free CHicken in our pot, aka Poule from the 2005 Draft but only Squid (49th overall) was worthy of VAN2010 mention.

WV = ammoure

soperman said...

I AM INCENSED!!!

Superpleks deserves at least three really hot chicks.

moeman said...

rds is in full-on racist mode. Worse, 'Sénateur' Demers (isn't he now representing Canada and not just his confrères' Québec?) jumps on the pure wool bandwagon. Disgusting.

HabsFan29 said...

@moe - i started to watch, i couldn't take it. switched to Trailer Park Boys reruns. much more enjoyable

chris nilan said...

what are they saying moe?

moeman said...

I won't over-belabour it but suffice it to say that rds says that Quebecers are mourning the exclusion of Vinny and Mini, that outside of the gardiens, Quebec was almost shutout with only Patrice Bergeron making the Canadian squad. Demers stepped into their séparatiste shitstorm and agreed with the Quebec Media Brotherhood. Is it me or did harper not just select Demers to represent Canadians in an unelected position for usually articulate and yes party-favouring folk?

/fin de rant

chris nilan said...

well that's it. i'm pissed because sidney crosby was the only nova scotian selected to the team.

break off the peninsula! doniars or death!!

HabsFan29 said...

break off the peninsula! doniars or death!!

i may be holiday-drunk, but that's my favourite thing written on FHF in months

I DEMAND MORE YUKON REPRESENTATION ON THE OLYMPIC TEAM. YUKON FOR YUKONERS

HabsFan29 said...

im nervous for the big fat wale tonigh

great, more Vinny and St Louis talk

HabsFan29 said...

home crowd

moeman said...

hot for teaCHer

"Oh wow, man!"
"Wait a second Habs i/o man. Whaddaya think the Hab's gonna look like this
year ?"
"My butt, man!"

T-T- teaCHer stop that screaming, teaCHer don't you see ?
Don't wanna be no half-pants fool.
Maybe I should go to hell, but Habs're doin' well,
teaCHer needs to see SuperPleks after sCHool.

I think of all the education that I missed.
But then my parodies were never quite like this.

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad,
A+++ SuperPlek's is hot for teaCHer.
He's got it bad, so bad,
Squid's hot for teaCHer.

"Hey Gionta, I heard you missed us, we're back!"
"Vodkov brought his gameplan"
"Give him something to slap, man"

We heard about JM's lessons, but his lessons are so cold.
We know about his no-system coaCHing sCHool.
Little girl from Sausageland, how did you get so good ?
How did you know that golden UFA rule ?

(Van Hab Halen solo)

"Oh FHFers, I think the game clock is slow"
"I don't feel tardy"
"Class dismissed"
"Drop the fucking puck already!"

HabsFan29 said...

Van Hab Halen solo

excellent

+1984 moeman for the whole thing

moeman said...

Um, score already.

chris nilan said...

wow are we ever controlling the play.


does this mean were gonna lose?

Moey said...

@ chris,

Yes, we've seen this show before and we know how it usually ends.....

HabsFan29 said...

SHOOT

Moey said...

Sounds like there's about 5 Bolt fans in the building.

HabsFan29 said...

great, gomez is dead

HabsFan29 said...

whew

moeman said...

Olympian effort by Vinny+Mini.

lehab said...

gomez went down like he was in the alamo

moeman said...

Habs need to go for the jugular, like this.

L Dude said...

So Metro nudges Smith, who is 3 feet outside his crease and THAT is a penalty. Guess I'll never figure out the whole goalie interference stuff after all.
Well played first period overall.

lehab said...

great work again MOEmaN. I like how the theme matCHes the gg photoshop. fhf may have to start live podcasts now!

Ronan said...

"Est-ce que Vincent Lecavalier peut être mieux que Joe Thornton? La réponse est oui."

I... I don't know what to say.

moeman said...

francois gagnon is turning bleu.

moeman said...

Merci lehab (et al). Hanging onto GG's apron strings is fun.
+OU812 to HF29 for the 1/2 season reminder.

moeman said...

RDS should prorogue the Olympics.

Sleepy said...

@moeman

Just saw the parody. Fantastic

WV=nobar Is that what happens when you get less than a 'B'?

HabsFan29 said...

we may never score

L Dude said...

I can barely stand on skates, but I'm pretty sure I could shoot the puck better than Dagostini.

moeman said...

Gomez is not dead! Long live the GMC. Cluck!

moeman said...

Is it me or does one get the sense that RDS' Pierre Houde is somewhat distraught when TFS™ makes a save?

HabsFan29 said...

FINALLY

moeman said...

CLUCK! 1-0

moeman said...

brunet calls it a lucky goal. He should know. Fucker.

lehab said...

GMC!

moeman said...

The un-dead Mex and Vodkov get assists;

http://www.nhl.com/ice/boxscore.htm?id=2009020593

L Dude said...

Gionta: The Mexican viagra.

moeman said...

Gionta: The quicker pecker upper.

boob gainey said...

In fairness, Martin St.Louis should have been chosen. He's the 5th top scorer among Canadians, and he is both having a better season than Mike Richards or Jonathan Toews (for example) and has achieved far more.

moeman said...

Won't disagree with that St. Louis info boob (Squid is also playing better than others making the team). Just sayin' that rds is using their Mon Pays farfetchedness.

L Dude said...

Though not tested a lot, TFS is looking like a young man that wants his fucking job back.

boob gainey said...

I'm not a fan of the nationalists, but I think it's also pretty clear that "small, speedy and French" isn't a lot of Canadians idea of a hockey player.

L Dude said...

But damn, can francophone women ever squeeze out great goaltenders!

boob gainey said...

Fucking Pascal Leclaire is letting everything in tonight for Ottawa.

L Dude said...

boob, as you know french canadian goalies are always lights out against the Habs. He over-splooged the other night. Now he's wasted.

5 Canadians killed in Afghan. Sad, but hey it's war. The tears will be flowing on Coach's Corner.

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

boob gainey said...

They are standing up at the blue line. Dump it in.

HabsFan29 said...

9 minutes into the period til the first shot. oy.

L Dude said...

I'm tellin' ya. Dags is going to wear out Smith's crest.

L Dude said...

So...ah....are the Habs aware this is a contact sport?

WV: moves. No comment.

HabsFan29 said...

well it was an entertaining point

GoldenGirl11 said...

Now I know why there are hurricane like winds here in Boca. Must be all that fanning up in Tampa.

moeman said...

SuperFuckingPleks!!!!!!!!

HabsFan29 said...

SuperPleks!

Baroque said...

Is Pleks signed for next season yet?

bea.habs.fan said...

and there's our Olympian in fab form.
big sig.
plus other games in NHL helps our positioning in conference.

boob gainey said...

@L Dude

Price is the victim of reverse discrimination of course.

jesse said...

@ LDude: I know it's just war but my best friend is stationed in Kandahar, and I haven't seen him on messenger or facebook in the last few days. I have a bad feeling about this one myself.