No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview - Prologue: Explaining The Stripperriffic Ratings

As HF33 has already told you, our spectacular season preview begins tomorrow. We’re gonna tackle the Habs players (and maybe the coaches) one by one. But before we really get going, you need to know what’s coming. And of course, what’s coming is strippers.

The FHF have been working diligently day and night (well, mostly nights, strip clubs during the day are depressing) to come up with the stripperriffic format explained below. Print it out for handy reference!

The tits – what’s good about the player. Tits are good.

The cellulite – what’s bad about the player. Cellulite is bad.

The armpit hair – what’s ugly about the player. Like any good neo-hippie, I don’t mind when women don’t shave. It’s their right. But not on my strippers. That freaks me out.

In the VIP Room – special little nuggets about the player you won’t find anywhere else. What the FHF really think about him. Detailed analysis of his position and role on the team. Other goodies. Maybe a happy ending. Unlike a real VIP room, the price here is the same.

Chez Parée bound? Our prediction for what the season will hold for the player. Will they even be here at the end of the year?

Their signature song – every (quality) stripper has a signature song. The guys in Poison need residual cheques from somewhere. We’ll put the lyrics archive to work and give each player his own tune too.

Number of lap dances (out of 10) – our overall rating of the player.

The 4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich - Each preview will be written by only one of the FHF. The 4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich is the chance for each of the other 3 to opine a quick thought about that player, or to express their opinion that the previewer is on crack.

So sit back, grab an eight-dollar beer, a table near the stage (or in a quiet corner if you prefer to ogle from afar), and enjoy the show.