Sunday, January 18, 2009

RETROACTIVE REVIEW: AWAKING FROM SLUMBER: HABS 3- PREDS 2


SORRY FOR THE DELAY FOLKS! I'VE BEEN IN A DEEP COMA SINCE THURSDAY NIGHT. THE COMA WAS INDUCED BY THE SECOND PERIOD THE CANADIENS AND PREDATORS DELIVERED TO MY BRAIN. I SUSPECT YOU ALL EXPERIENCED SIMILAR PROBLEMS WHICH IS WHY I'M SHOUTING TO KEEP YOU ALL AWAKE, MYSELF INCLUDED.

THE PREDATORS PLAYED A PERFECT ROAD GAME. MY COMA WAS A PERFECT COMA. I COULDN'T HEAR OR FEEL A THING. A PREGNANT ELEPHANT COULD HAVE SAT ON MY FACE FOR SEVEN, MAYBE EIGHT MINUTES, AND I WOULDN'T HAVE BUDGED. SAM KINISON COULD HAVE RATTLED OFF HIS LIFE STORY AN INCH AWAY FROM MY EARS AND I WOULDN'T HAVE FLINCHED.

IT'S AS IF 40 HOCKEY PLAYERS AND 2 COACHES GOT TOGETHER AT 6:45PM ON THURSDAY NIGHT AND SAID "LOOK, WE'VE GOT AN IDEA, LET'S MAKE THIS THE MOST AGONIZINGLY BORING GAME EVER PLAYED IN THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY, NO IN THE HISTORY OF SPORT". "SHOULD THERE BE GOALS?" "MAYBE BUT ONLY IF NECESSARY". "SHOULD THERE BE CHECKING?" "ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO, TRY NOT TO THOUGH". "NOW GET OUT THERE GENTLEMEN AND MAKE US PROUD".

AND SO IT HAPPENED. HEADS IN THE CROWD BECAME HEAVY, DANGLING FROM SIDE TO SIDE, WOBBLY OVER THE SHOULDERS. YAWNS COULD BE HEARD EVERYWHERE, LOUD ONES, THE ONES THAT END IN THOSE WEIRD BACK OF THE THROAT SCREECHES. AND PEOPLE BEGAN TO SLEEP ALMOST AS IF FAIRY DUST HAD BEEN SPRINKLED ALL OVER THE BELL CENTRE.

THE TWO ANDREIS AND GUILLAUME DID APPEAR TO BREACH THE COVENANT BUT THIS DID VERY LITTLE TO DISTURB THE ENJOYMENT OF MY COMA. IT WAS AN EXCELLENT COMA. AT ONE POINT, GUY CARBONNEAU LOOKED OVER AT ALEX KOVALEV AND SAID :"FUCK! YOU GUYS ARE DOING A HECK OF A JOB CAUSE EVEN I'M GONNA KEEL OVER HERE!". JAROSLAV HALAK WAS HIT IN THE FACE BY A NASHVILLE PLAYER AND LOST A TOOTH. HE PICKED IT UP AND DARTED TO THE DRESSING ROOM WHERE HE HID THE TOOTH UNDER HIS PILLOW AND WENT TO SLEEP. 

SECURITY HAD TO USHER PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR SEATS AT THE END OF THE GAME, THE FINAL SIREN ONLY AWAKING A FEW.

THE CANADIENS RETREATED TO THEIR DRESSING ROOM TO FIND LITTLE JARO FAST ASLEEP AT HIS STALL. "AW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE GUY, HE'S SO PRECIOUS", MARKOV WAS HEARD SAYING. THE TEAM SHUFFLED AROUND THE ROOM QUIETLY. SEVERAL PLAYERS FILED PAST HALAK AND KISSED HIM ON THE FOREHEAD "SLEEP TIGHT, LITTLE BUDDY".

I ROSE FROM MY COMATOSE STATE AT 7PM LAST NIGHT, JUST IN TIME FOR THE GAME IN OTTAWA. 

1 comment:

Moey said...

I was literally laughing at loud at this, well worth waiting for, especially Jaro with his tooth.