Um... Holy shit?! Game Recap: Habs 3 - Bruins 2

(I'll admit it, this was the look on my face when the game when into OT... Pass the humble pie)

With about 5 minutes left in the game, I turned to Mr. LG77 and started brainstorming ideas for what to write for today's game review. I even got a good chunk of my section to make frowny faces at the TV time out so that I could post it as the game picture. We started to sketch out the broad lines of an open letter to the Habs' coaching staff or a ransom note for our offence...

And then, well, the Habs scored a goal. No big deal, there's no way we'll score in the last minute of the...

And then, well, the Habs tied the fucking game and sent it to OT for the 4th straight game.

And then, well, the Habs won the fucking game.

I'm still in shock, as are the legions of Bruins fans who attended last night's game. At first, they were like Leafs fans: crawling all over the place like gnats, prone to nonsensical chanting, douchey posturing and, worst of all, shitfaced off $10.10 (fucking TVQ increase) beers by the time the puck finally dropped.

Boston, I expected more from you.

During the game, at least, you were well behaved. You were even very loud during both Bruins goals... so much so that I think the spotlight guy got confused for a few seconds as he briefly turned on the spotlight to follow Patrice Bergeron around after his second goal.

But then, well the unthinkable happened: Bruins fans were stunned to see that their team was collapsing right before their eyes... Habs fans were stunned to see that their team was manning in the fuck up right before their eyes.

And then, when Max-Pac scored in OT, well... I'll let you see it for yourself:

You can hear me saying "quesséça" and "câlice" and Mr. LG77 and I discussing the Habs' lack of speed through the neutral zone... followed by my bloodcurdling scream, right before I clicked on the wrong button on my iPhone and shut it off (before quickly turning it back on again).

You'll also see a bit of the post-goal scrum that ensued. The game recap over at nhl.com seems to want to say that Max-Pac shoved Chara and that's what started the scrum. Doubt it, but I can see why they would put that in as part of their "Dirty, Cheapshot Habs" narrative.

For what it's worth, all of the Boston fans to whom I spoke said that they were impressed at how well Habs fans were treating them... especially the ones who got a bunch of Canadian Club (natch) shots from my friends and I after the game, while they were sitting at their table, quietly and solemnly nursing their yard 'o beer.

As we said to them: Gentlemen, we feel your pain. We understand the collapse. But for now: SUCK IT BITCHES, THE DIRTY Bs LOST! HA!!!! WOOOO!!!! OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ!! PLAN THE FUCKING PARADE, ad nauseam, ad infinitum.

I hope this is a sign of good things to come for the Habs and that they'll use this win to build some momentum. Based on the first 55 minutes of play (in which Price was hung out to dry, again) I'm not sure. Yes, they outshot the Bs, but none of those shots really tested Timmeh Thomas as much as they could have/should have. And 4 OTs in a row now? The fact that the games are so close isn't necessarily a good sign for the Sainte Flannelle, mes amis...

But, hey, for now, we'll savour our 2 points over the Bs and move on to the next game, bracing ourselves for another collapse, hoping that, instead, the Habs may find a way to get momentum back on their side.

What me worry? ~ MAD Bruins Game Preview and free fold-up thread

One Exceedingly Fine Time to be the Canadiens' CoaCH ~ Alfred E. Martin can't get any luck. No scoring, no Vodkov, no Gorges, no love, no powerplay, no problem? meh, JM has a system, time for the team to play it.

TV MADness ~ RDS and CBCockroaCHes, 7pm puck drop, usual SHKLORTCH's Corner, PJ Muggs' OOTGREETs, MAD Mike's BLORTings, leaf fan Tyler Seguin SIZAFITZes!, ron mclame's WHUMPuns and the senile tones of Bob 'GINGGING' Cole.

Fight for the First Place Cover ~ Bs are 21-12-6 (5-3-2), Habs are 22-16-3 (4-5-1)

Not so Top Secret ~ TFSpy™ vs. ThomaSpy

Free Carey Price Poseter ~ I agree with Sweet Daddy Kane

Cracked! ~ Josh, Marky, Habs' PowerPlay

Amazing Inventions:The Strip Club ~ Boston doesn't have any, this place is fun

Scenes we'd like to see ~ A too many men on the ice penalty that decides the game for Montréal

Believe it or Nuts! ~ Bruins Blog

The MAD Academy Award ~ for impersonating a goal scorer ~ The Do It Yourself CHicken!

Badly-Needed Warning Label ~ Playing defense for the CH can be ruinous to your knees

Fold it HF29 style ~ if you made it to end of the post, nice going, now print this page and fold to reveal what 29 actually does with his ovenmitts (nice Holiday beard!)

Song based on a popular tune ~ 'One Step Beyond!' by MADness (yes, I thought of doing 'MAD World' by Tears for Fears but this one was shorter and I'll save my primal streams for gametime).

Hey you, don't watCH that 

WatCH this! 

This is the heavy heavy Pants! sound 

The nuttiest sound around 

So if you've come in off Ste. CHaterine Street 

And you're Habs are beginning to feel the heat 

Well listen you fucking busters 

You better start to move your feet 

To the rockinest, rock-steady beat 

Of MADness 

One step beyond!

G Y F H G!!!

This random incoherent Sexy Friday post includes video, Josh Gorges, clinical depression, tits, Habs 2 Pens 1 (SO), more tits, etc., etc.

So here's a little inside into the functioning of FHF. Backstage, if you will. Yours truly was scheduled to write the review of the Pens-Habs tilt last night. No problem, done it a million times. But then yesterday a 5 à 7 turned into a 5 à 8 turned into "let's go grab a bite" turned into post-dinner scotCH turned into, well, quite a while after puck drop. Point is, your faithful reviewer arrived home around 10 PM, just in time to see Tits totally flub his shootout attempt. But then he saw CHicken use his sweet and tangy big wing to score one of those shootout goals that brings a tear to your eye. And TFS doing a gangsta pose. 2 points! But what about the rest of the game, what did I miss? Let's go to the long-form video highlights after a win:



God is that Dave Randorf doing Habs play by play? I think I'm happy not to get TSN Habs (all kidding aside, Dave actually seems serviceable, which is a step up for TSN). So in these highlights I see TFS, CHicken, and a failed 2-man advantage. That about sum up this game? Hey, two points is two points. And the Bs lost. We may see 3rd place yet!

Now, want to be depressed? Did you hear about Josh Gorges being out for the season? Who manufactures Habs' defensemen's knees anyway? We demand a refund. So that makes our #1 D, uh, Hamr? Plan the parade, bitCHes! Our D may now be beyond depressing. Pass the Zoloft. You know what really CHeers me up? Dallas Stars Ice Girls in bikinis. Here they are in their annual "going to the lake" video, 2010-2011 edition:



Yes it's Sexy Friday kids! Let's finish off (so to speak) in tribute to the NFL playoffs this weekend with the Eagles Cheerleaders in bikinis, some Saints Cheerleader cleavage, and Jets coach Rex Ryan's wife's foot fetish videos. I love football.

Habsbuzz Exclusive Malkin to Montreal? - Pittsburgh Game Preview and Open Thread

Habsbuzz has been hearing from sources all day today that "something big is going down in Montreal" tonight, where the Habs are hosting the Penguins at the Bell Centre at 7:30, on RDS, and TSN-Habs. Remember, Habsbuzz only reports the rumours it hears or makes up its own rumours to get site hits, so this one is definitely an E5 blockbuster. It's bigger than the 8-1 beating the Pens laid on the Lightning last night. Bigger than the great start from the Wizzinator. It's Richard Park big.

It's no secret that the Habs are struggling and they need a big centre, and as Habsbuzz knows, Malkin needs to be "the man" on his own team. Habsbuzz knows this because that one time Malkin scored a lot of points when Sidney Crosby was hurt and so therefore Habsbuzz's brilliant hockey mind deduced that Malkin wants out of Pittsburgh to be the man on his own team. But with Crosby entrenched at number 1 in Pittsburgh (and fresh off a 50 points in 25 games streak) and Jordan Staal back from injury, the Pens can move a centre for Crosby's wingers, even though Chris Kunitz had 3 goals last night and Crosby is tearing the league apart with Kunitz and Dupuis as his wingers. Listen, Habsbuzz doesn't claim its rumours make sense, or that we are even thinking before we write shit. We just make up ... er, report what our many, many, very highly respected and mysterious sources tell us. Lots of respected sources who speak to us unqualified, anonymous bloggers ALL THE TIME.

It won't be a trade of Carey Price for Marc-Andre Fleury, because new All-Star Fleury and the currently struggling Price (4.14 GAA and .833 SP in his last two) aren't being mentioned in the rumours my respected, well-connected sources are discussing. It also won't be injured Canadiens defenders Andrei Markov (out indefinitely) or Josh Gorges (sore knee) or crocked Pens Mike Comrie (hip surgery, out indefinitely), Eric Godard (day-to-day with broken nose) or Alex Grant (broken wrist, out indefinitely) because they are injured, as I know from my trusted, super-secret sources at TSN. Wait, I mean, my super-secret informants in various high-level positions all across hockey. Yeah, that's it.

The trade also won't include struggling rookie PK Subban or excellent power-play QB Kris Letang (36 points in 41 games) or ice cold Habs centres Tomas Plekanec (suddenly only on pace for 65 points after running over a point per game to start the year) or Scott Gomez. Habsbuzz's uber-super-secret but highly influential and never too busy to talk to us even though we are an anonymous hack making shit up on the interweb and they are highly-regarded, Stanley Cup winning GM's, presidents, scouts and other fans making shit up and (mostly) Darren Dreger and Bob McKenzie's tweets - wait, forget I said that - would only tell me the most outlandish - I mean, perfectly reasonable - trade rumours. Even though they aren't rumours but actual, honest-to-goodness made up facts. Um, unless they aren't true, then it's because something got messed up and the teams backed off. Totally. Habsbuzz has to report what Habsbuzz hears...That's Habsbuzz's job. Yours is to debate why such a thing would happen. Habsbuzz tries to not censor with Habsbuzz's own opinions.

Of course, Habsbuzz's opinion is (according to my highly imaginative, made-up super KGB level secret sources) that the Pens are ready to make a move that will bring Malkin to Montreal, if he isn't there already. Malkin to Montreal, along with Pascal Dupuis, with Mike Cammalleri, Andrei Kostitsyn and Yanick Weber going the other way. This is imminent and will be confirmed as soon as today, or later than that, or possibly there will be another big deal otherwise. Look for Langenbrunner to Toronto and Pavelski to Toronto and the Rangers to make a deal and Calgary to send Iginla off right away or sooner or later too because Habsbuzz's super-secret M15 Kremlin insiders Gary Bettman's secretary Brian Burke-cause he never shuts up- Reggie Houle's lovechild in the know sources said something might happen. E5 E5 E5.

Got an outlandish but in the realm of possibility by 0.0000000000001% rumour or trade happening?  Leave it in the comments. 

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, January 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting into the Hall of Fame...

• Well, we should be used to epic collapses and utter failures around here, but my oh my that was an epic collapse an an utter failure. Russia 5, Canada 3, after Canada led 3-0 after two periods. We feel sort of sorry for the kids, they had a great tourney only to piss it all away in 20 minutes;
• The Little Fuckity-Fuck had 2 goals in the Stars 4-2 win over the Hawks;
• The Canucks win their 7th in a row and are now the best team in the NHL;
• Mad Max made his Ducks debut in their 4-1 loss to the Preds. He had 4 SOG but was a -3;
• Steve Stamkos made like the three stooges or something in the Bolts' 8-1 loss to the Pens. Pens score 8 while Sid gets only 1 assist. No doubt he'll really take it out on the team he plays next.

Pens tonight.

FHF Stripperiffic* WJHC Gold Medal Preview

It's the rubber match.

In the modern WJHC era (conveniently described as the period since Canada started sending all-star teams as opposed to an entire junior club) Canada or Russia/USSR have won 30 of 37 titles. That's right, an even 15 each. Everyone else just borrows the trophy: Canada and Russia own this tournament.

So what I'm saying is that this game will determine, once and for all time, which country and its people are superior.

So let the smack talk begin.

The Historic Rivalry: USA / Canada is the biggest international hockey rivalry based on last year's WJHC and Olympics. The Russians just aren't that much of a threat anymore. (Oh, snap.)

Domestic Leagues: Yeah, the Russians have finally set up their own "rival" league. Ask Nabokov how much it really rivals the NHL. So what if half the number of Russians are in the NHL as compared to pre-lockout? They want to stay home in the KHL, fine. Enjoy the borscht and lack of basic live-saving equipment at your arenas.

Playing Style: the point of the game isn't exclusively to put an opponent through the end boards? That's wussy-Euro talk. (Okay, I may have some grudging respect for their puck skills.) Canadian players know what their goalies look like, unlike most of their Russian counterparts. (Ouch - backchecking burn.)

Marquee Players: really it's no contest: Ovie has won nyet as a teammate. Crosby has a Cup and a couple of Gold medals (WJHC and Olympic). Anyone who would build a team around Ovie and not Crosby hates defence and winning. Plus Ovie is seriously scary looking (to be fair, that passes for "sexy" in St. Petersburg).

Politics: We're a constitutional monarchy run by a nice old lady in a funny hat. They're run by a shirtless, tone-deaf oligarch in a not-so-quasi-authoritarian state. (If I die suspiciously of, say, poisoning in the near future, Putin did it.)

WJHC: Canada already beat the Ruskies once in this tournament, and that was with their fantastically un-Roy like goalie and before starting to pay attention to defence. Russia won two playoff games by playing about 7 total minutes of hockey, and those against other wussy-Euro trash teams. There will be no such epic chokes for Team Canada (jinx).

Louis Leblanc: That's right Habs fans, a Canadian Habs' pick at forward who actually contributes at a WJHC (fuck you again Terry Ryan, Eric Chouinard and Little Fuckity Fuck). Hopefully LOUUUUU is more TFS/Subbanator and less Ribiero. If this tournament is any indication, he looks like a Turtleplek clone: does everything better than average at both ends of the rink and works his butt off. And he's not Russian (prove me wrong, Mr. 'healthy scratch' Avtsin.)

Fearless prediction: Visentin outplays Shikin, Johanson schools Tarasenko and the Canucks skate off with our 6th WJHC gold in 7 years. Russians head back to Russia wishing they were Canadian.

Finally: 1972!

*So what if none of the players can legally attend a gentlemen's club? If they bring back gold tonight, they can get in anywhere along Ste Catherine that their little (horny) hearts desire.

TMS is full of surprises for Wednesday, January 5th

Lap dance to FHF regular hfotwc for violating all sorts of copyright laws and sending us a couple of Habs-related videos from Radio-Canada's Bye Bye 2010. Dear Rad-Can lawyers - uh, sorry?

Bullet points for what you missed while mourning the loss of an FHF favourite...

• The Bolts and Caps somehow played 3 scoreless periods (the Bolts thanks to new acquisition Dwayne Roloson) then Martin St Louis scored in OT for the 1-0 win. The win put the Bolts at the top of the Southeast;
• Speaking of the Bolts, their roster now includes a certain Urologist;
• The Devils lose again. Their record is now 10-27-2. That kills us for some reason. Maybe fluke goals like this one against have something to do with it;
• Avs 4, Sabres 3 (OT). Nothing really funny to say about that, except the game had its own wacky moment;
• Penguins and Blackhawks have all kinds of All-Stars. The Pens we understand, but we guess no one noticed the Hawks aren't even in a playoff position this year;
• A great behind the scenes at the Winter Classic;
• La Presse's François Gagnon likes him some CHeez Whiz. Mom of TMS passed along a comment she heard CHeez Whiz say on the radio after practice yesterday: "So many people! Like a game crowd at the Nassau Coliseum."

OK kiddies, don't forget that the World Juniors Final goes tonight. In honour of that occasion, TMS is pleased to announce the return of... Panger! He'll be along later today with some sort of Juniors preview and review or something, so be sure to come back for who knows when he'll pop out of his Calgary hole again.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, January 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting sued for sexual harassment...

• Bs 2, Leafs 1, Meteor 0. Bs now 3 points up in the Northeast with 2 games in hand. Like we're gonna catch them or something;
• Panthers tried to give the game away in the 3rd only to beat the Canes in OT, 4-3;
• The Isles are hot? 7-1-1 in their last 9 and follow up their win over the Wings by beating the Flames 5-2. Rick DiPietro was injured, but that's not news;
• Patrick Sharp had 2 G 1 A in the Hawks win over the Kings;
• Canadian Juniors open a can of whup ass on the Americans, win 4-1 and will face the Russians (who won a wild fucking game over the Swedes in a SO) in the final tomorrow night;
• Here's La Presse's Habs mid-season grades;
• David Desharnais was the AHL's player of the month for December;
• The Winter Classic got some good ratings;
• Toronto Maple Leaf donuts. Ok then.

These 3 day breaks between games always kill us.

The Morning Skate for Monday, January 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Brett Favre finally fucking retiring already...

• Well, there's a lot of good to be said about the Habs' 4-3(OT) loss to the Thrash. We dominated the shots on goal (50-28) and we came back from being down a goal three separate times. We looked interested for 60 minutes for a change. We played quite well, just ran into crappy refs and a hot goaltender while our own goaltending was meh. C'est la vie, and such and such. On the other hand, WE FUCKING LOST AGAIN. Argghhhhhh;
• Tomas Vokoun has his fifth shutout and the Panthers make it back to .500 with a 3-0 win over the Rangers;
• Flyers win in Detroit where they had not won in 16 tries dating back 12 years;
• Mad Max was a healthy scratch in the Ducks' 2-1 win over the Hawks;
• Fuck yeah Canada! Juniors take care of business in the quarters of the WJHC with a 4-1 win over the Swiss even after letting in a terrible goal on their first shot against. Big bad Americans are up next in the semis, tonight at 7:30 on TSN.

Welcome to 2011.

At 1 PM CHeez Whiz should be lounging at home instead of playing hockey - Thrash preview and open thread

1 PM!!! 1 PM!!! 1 PM!!!! Do you hear me, FHF'ers? The game is at 13h00. What the fuck is up with that? I'm really not happy with that kind of timing. It totally screws up my usual Sunday schedule. On Sundays I wake up late, get the hooker to finally leave already, have a leisurely breakfast while I do a crossword puzzle, and start drinking at noon so I am pleasantly buzzed when I sit down in front of my TV for the 1 PM football game. Now, I , uh, hmmm... have to find a whole new channel at 1 PM! That totally screws everything up.

On another note, I fucking love CHeez Whiz. Both the defenceman and the imitation processed cheese food product. I have been eating it since I was little and I continue to eat it to this day. I have a jar in my fridge right now. I'm putting some on my toast right fucking now! I have gone from the original CHeez Whiz to the light version, but otherwise I have eaten CHeez Whiz consistently since I am five years old. The funny thing is, I really only do two things with it (even though Kraft Canada alone has 128 recipes for it) - put it on toast and make nachos or nacho sauce with it. Yet those two things have sustained my use of CHeez Whiz for nearly 40 years. And when I was younger, it was only the toast thing because I don't think we even had tortilla chips and salsa then. Had you said salsa to someone in the 1970's they would have stared at you blankly. You kids today and all your fancy salsas don't know how good you have it. What I like about CHeez Whiz is the fine line it straddles between spread and sauce. So versatile! Interestingly, in the United States it's marketed more as a sauce while in Canada it's marketed like a spread. Look at the American jar versus the Canadian one.The American jar is designed for dipping something into it, while the Canadian jar requires a knife or other implement. Fascinating! I could discuss CHeez Whiz all day.

And CHeez Whiz has really shored up our defense. Talk about versatile.

Waiting in line to buy a jar - the aforementioned 1 PM start, on RDS and TSN Habs on Bell. Habs returning from the 2-5 road trip to the comforts of home. Thank goodness we won the last one, or the boo birds would have been out en masse. Thrash, after flirting with first place in the Southeast, are now in a slump too having lost 5 of their last 6, including their most recent one against the lowly (ha!) Devils. Atlanta shut us out 3-0 in our only meeting this year.

Not even sure they have CHeez Whiz in the American South - The Blueland Chronicle has a great irreverant take on the Thrash and their blog lives up to the blue name.

Hot like CHeez Whiz fresh from the microwave - CHeez Whiz! 2 goals in the Panthers win including the OT winner. The Mexican had 3 points in the state of Florida. Dusten Byfuglien is a point per game over his last 7.

Cold like the CHeez Whiz I keep in my fridge even though it could probably last 10 years in a cabinet considering the amount of "cheese" in there - CHicken pointless in 7, Tits pointless in 3, though I think he's playing a bit better lately. While I am leery to put TFS here considering he really got no help in most of his losses, we have to recognize his December numbers were all way down from October-November. For the Thrash, they have a bunch of pointless players and crappy goaltending lately.

Adding a Mexican flavour to the CHeez Whiz lineup - I don't even know where to start. Well, let's start with the fact we haven't even mentioned the Mad Max trade around here. Consider it mentioned. David Desharnais was tied for the most points in the AHL when he was called up on Friday, and should make his debut today, no doubt on the fourth line where CHokula puts all his best scorers. Iron man D Josh Gorges has been placed on IR to rehab his wonky knee, no word on for how long.

Post-game entertainment - sadly, my YouTube search for "babes wrestling in CHeez Whiz" came up empty. You'll have to settle for this vid of a cute (and thin) woman setting some sort of record scarfing down a Philly Cheesesteak, which may have been made with CHeez Whiz.