Miss Moore is pretty pissed we're so late handing out FHF's half-season grades for this Rangers preview and open thread

Some blogs like to give out half-season grades or rankings or reviews or whatever. So do we! But after 41 games, we really didn't know what kind of team we had. But after 44 games, we sure do! So with the help of Miss Moore, we'll be handing out some mid(-ish)-season grades in a sec. First, let's set up the Rangers game, Twitter-style, considering we already played them this week:

7P start Bell, CBC, Squid TFS in, PatCHes gametime dec, Tits dead. More of Miss Moore (NSFW) post-game entertainment. Was that 140 characters or less? On to the grades! WARNING - actual hockey analysis ahead. Ha! I keed, I keed. I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.

Big Bald Alex Auld (A-) - Did you know he's got a 1.74 GAA and a .941 save %? I didn't. He's been right there in every game he's played. He should probably get an incomplete considering "every game he's played" is only five of them, but fuck, I had to give an A range grade to someone, otherwise the curve would have been wrecked.

SuperpleXXXe (B+) - I guess he's been our most consistent forward all year, though that's not saying much. Even when he's not getting points (which seems to happen more and more lately) he's still out there busting his butt on every shift, PP, or PK.

TFS (B+) - After a quarter of the season he would have been an A+++, but lately, meh. I don't even think he deserves to be an All-Star to be honest. I'd take Thomas, Pavelec and Lundqvist out of the East right now.

CHeez Whiz (B) - Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster he showed up when he did, or our D would consist of Hamr, PFK and my mom. Though mom's an excellent shot-blocker.

Gio (B) - A pretty lame just over half a point per game pace, but a work ethic others (cough Tits cough) could learn from. A fine captain. I've almost forgotten ol' Saku what's his face.

DarCHe (B) - he does what he's supposed to do.

Hamr (B-) - with Gorges gone, as close as we have to a rock on defense right now. Ugh.

Gill (B-) - or maybe Gill is the rock of the defense now? Double ugh.

Halpern (B-) - For the first quarter everyone talked about what an awesome off-season pickup he was. Now, you barely hear his name mentioned anywhere. Maybe he's just disappeared into the shadows, which I guess could be a good thing for a 3rd/4th liner. Exemplary attendance record - one of only 3 players to play all 44 games.

Squid (B-) - invisible lately (even before he caught the strep throat of death), but for the first 15 games or so of the season Squid-Tits-PleXXXe was one of the best lines in the league. Do you remember that? I do not.

The Mexican (C+) - reverse of Squid. Dead for the first quarter, showing some signs of (barely) life lately. His salary has not figured into this grade. If it did, F.

PFK (C+) - held up well through the benchings and the Toronto media-created controversies, so extra credit there. He just isn't the thrilling player game in game out we thought we were getting after what we saw in the playoffs last year. Probably not be his fault (see "CHokula", below).

SpatCHes (C) - his good games are great, his bad games are terrible, which averages out to average, i.e. a C.

Tits (C) - sure he's dead now, but see Squid's note above. We all LOVED him for the first 15 games this year. I know you don't remember, but it's true.

Lego (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.

CHicken (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.

MOEmaN (C) - meh. Does not have the offensive skills to do what Chokula seems to want him to do for some bizarre reason.

Captain Picard (C) - he's just, there. A little too often for my tastes, frankly.

Pyatt (D) - Haven't heard his name in months. Is he still on the team?

Incompletes - Vodkov, Gorges (too depressing to write about), Swiss Mister II, PatCHes, Dustin Boyd, Double D.

The CoaCHes

CHokula (D-) - The "system" is a joke. Habs can't score. May have destroyed PFK forever. Essentially ran Rhino out of town just when we needed him. Inexplicably believes Moen is a scorer and a top 6 forward. Broke up the only decent line we had all year (Squid-PleXXXe-Tits). Loves Captain Picard a little too much. Bench management questionable at best. Often appears not to be alive during games. The only reason it's not an F is that hey, the Habs are in a playoff position.

Rest of staff (B+) - just hand Muller the top job already before someone else snaps him up.

OK, go ahead and tell me I'm an idiot in the comments.

The Morning Skate heads for the slopes for Sexy Friday, January 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of 20 snow bunnies warming you up...

• Goddamn that meteor must be on IR lately, and even the supposed best team in the East can't do the standings-watchers any favours, as the Bs manage to score 5 goals in the 3rd - Bruins 7, Flyers 5;
• The supposed best team in the West doesn't do the standings-watchers any favours either - Rangers 1, Canucks 0;
• Standings-watchers got one bit of help - Sabres 3, Canes 2;
• The Leaf come back down to planet Earth with a 5-1 loss to the Yotes;
• Well someone had to win the battle of crap - Sens 6, Isles 4;
• Here's an RDS piece on how bad Big Tits is, but you knew that already.

Here's a little vid to get your Sexy Friday off right. We can't decide if it's good or disturbing. Carrie Underwood wearing a Hamilton Bulldogs jersey singing Guns 'n Roses. That's just a weird combination. Anyway, we post, you decide.

sCHamWow! ~ Habs 5-2 loss to Poseur Pens Review and Open Thread

When a game is that boring one grabs the remote and starts flicking CHannels. Low and behold an infomerCHial.

sCHamWow! is a CHleaning solution used to CHlean up major spills and boy do we have a mess to CHlean up behind aisle Bell Centre Bench. Did you know sCHamWow! can hold 2x's its weight and is maCHine washable so it can be reused over and over again? Yes, its true!

• Easily removes PK, PP and wet stains
 like AK46

• Great for defensemen, offensemen and CHildren
 like AK46
• Washes, dries, and polishes any fucking ice surface

• Will scratCH any surface
 like AK46
• MaCHine tradeable and bleaCHable
 like AK46
• Lasts 2-3 years


Offer Includes:

• 1 Large Kirk Towel, 2 Mini sCHamWows!

• Get a Second sCHamWow! FREE, the Robinson Deluxe

• A Total Of 8 sCHamWows!

• [insert number] Year Warranty
• Just Pay Separate Carbo and CHocula contracts
• FREE Bonus sCHamWow! Guy Boucher signed Mop

At least we got some Double D (aka Mini Mex) action, so that's nice.

Not suggesting its time for The Goat or Geoff The Owner to panic but Habs fans want an exciting team that isn't bogged down with a locked down system. 

So yes, click for a trip.

As for the Poseur Pens, they can Fuck Off!

I need to go clear my head, GuinCHo (nsfw, depends where/if you work).

Peace out FHFers.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, January 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Chinese planes stealthily coming to kill you...

• Well that was just, annoying. The penalties kill us as the Pens get 4 PP goals and one canceled Habs goal and beat us 5-2. We actually thought we played pretty well to be honest, including the most exciting 6 minutes of hockey there in the 2nd we've seen in like, forever. Refs didn't help. Being tired didn't help. There's some blah blah on the internet about Fleury doing the TFS gangsta pose at the end of the game. Whatevs. Let's move on, shall we?
• Lightning take control of the Southeaast with a 3-0 shutout of the Caps;
• Corey Crawford (who?) is now the #1 goalie in Chicago after another shutout, 4-0 over the Avs;
• If you didn't see the link to BR's stupidity in the comments yesterday, go take a look;
• We found out how the Leaf is winning - Ron Wilson is bribing his own players.

Deep breath everyone.

Back to the Future... er Past, then Future? Game review: Habs 2, Rags 1 & Game preview: Habs vs. Pens

So for the first, say 40 minutes of boring-ass hockey that we were watching last night, the most interesting thing on the ice to me was the Rags' 85th anniversary logo at centre ice.

While some people are (rightly) pointing out that it's awfully strange to celebrate a team's 85th anniversary, I thought back to the Habs' 85th season and started comparing that edition of Nos Glorieux to the current one...

And once I realized that we are in 2011, not 2001 and that, therefore it wasn't the 1983-1984 Habs but rather the 1993-1994 Habs that would have been celebrating their 85th season (math eludes me, as always), well, I began to realize that there were some striking similarities and differences between the two squads.

Then: Gary Bettman was the new commissioner of the NHL.

Now: FML, he's still here.

Then: The conferences were re-named to the Eastern and Western conferences to avoid "confusion" according to Gary Bettman.

Now: See above re: Bettman. I still miss the Campbell and Wales conferences.

Then: The Habs were just coming off a year when they had won the Stanley Cup and were considered legitimate contenders for the Cup.

Now: Er, nevermind... Next question!

Then: The Rags were going to win the Cup that season after coming in first in the Eastern conference.

Now: Doubtful, unless you can get Messier to put down the chip bag and lace 'em up again.

Then: The Habs often relied on Patrick Roy to steal games for them (which he always managed to do), and Ron Tugnutt is his solid, if unspectacular, backup.

Now: The Habs always rely on Carey Price to steal games for them (which he often, but not always manages to do), and Alex Auld is his solid, with flashes of spectacular, backup.

Then: The Habs could rely on the offensive firepower of Kirk Muller (57 points, 23 goals), Brian Bellows (71 points, 33 goals) and Vincent Damphousse (91 points, 40 fucking goals!!) to put the puck in the net on a regular basis.

Now: The Habs could rely on the offensive firepower of... er... Well, not so much rely as trying to cope with the fact that the team's "scorers" seem to be hella inconsistent and streaky this year. (Seriously - WTF is up with that?? Pleky is stone cold, as was Squid before his "internal body" injury... while Gomez, ChickenDude and Cheese Whiz are lighting it up.)

Then: Even if the Habs didn't score first, they were always a threat to win the game.

Now: Whaddya know?? The Habs came from behind to win AGAIN last night! Be still my beating heart.

Then: Guy Carbonneau was the team captain and Jacques Demers was its coach.

Now: Guy Carbonneau was the team's coach and now he's a commentator on RDS, whereas Jacques Demers was a commentator on RDS... now he's also a fucking senator.

Then: Benoit Brunet always could be counted on to make at least one boneheaded move on the ice in each game.

Now: Benoit Brunet can be counted on to make at least one boneheaded comment per play in each game.

Then: The Ottawa Senators came in last in the eastern conference with 37 points.

Now: Yep, that seems about right.

********************************

Well, now that we've looked at the past, let's take a trip in a time machine with Doctor Emmett Gill and his short sidekick Marty Gionta (the height differences work with my theme, people... just go with it!), assume that the Mayans are wrong, and preview what tonight's game would look like, if it were to be played in the Pens' 85th season, that is, the 2052-2053 NHL season.

Time:

A relative concept, but it will be playing at 7:30 on RDS, channel 6,432 in your internal TV brain chip (i.e. the channel in-between the one that the Chinese government uses to control us, and the Food Network)

Circuits firing at full speed:

Jacques Martin's carefully preserved cranium still coaches the Habs from its fishbowl perch equipped with robot arms behind the bench (they signed him to a long term contract and STILL can't fire him without hefty penalties). His biggest dream finally came true this season - he now coaches a legion of programmable androids, and he has a direct link to their positronic brains, and is able to control their slightest movements with a blink of his eye. This has given him more time to work on his crossword puzzles behind the bench.

A recently acquired defensive robot with a Cheese-like orange tinge has 6 points in 5 games, and a robot called "Chicken" due to his unfortunate programmed tendency to cluck as he picks up speed is showing that he may not be destined for the scrap heap just yet.

Almost obsolete:

After being moved to Helsinki from Pittsburgh following the city's controlled demolition as part of a global beautification project, the Pingviinis are still struggling to put together a win after the loss of their most valuable android. Unfortunately, their motivation/drive chips have been upgraded after a this string of losses and they will likely be a formidable opponent tonight.

The Habs? Well, here's hoping that their trainer techies had enough battery packs to help them recharge after yet another series of back-to-back games. The team's robots tend to go on pointless streaks on a fairly regular basis, due in part to the fact that the Martin-head forgets to blink on a regular basis.

In the Repair Bay:

Sidney Crosby's programmable android self has had to get sent to the shop in order to re-wire its cranium circuits.

While Michael Cammalleri III is one of the few remaining fully biological players in the game, his teammates have taken advantage of this fact by giving him this antiquated disease called "gastro", leading to a quarantine.

The Markov and Gorges robots are, tragically, on a shelf in the repair bay until the end of the season, due to a shortage in available replacement parts.

Is there intelligent life out there? :

Given the well-known scientific fact that Pennsylvanian sports fans were scientifically proven to represent a lower form of life (edited to add another recent occurrence of this phenomenon), all trace of their existence was wiped out in the mid 2030s. Pensblog is used as a model of what a dystopian, un-civilized society looks like. I therefore can't link to any Pens blogs in this preview.

Post-game biological interactions:

Hook your avatar up to another person's avatar and get BUSY, techie style... (SO NSFW, I FRIGGIN MEAN IT... So don't say I didn't warn you... Y'all wanted some porn, so there you go.)

It's an abbreviated TMS / Game Day Skate long-form video highlights after a win

LG77 should be along soon with a big Rangers review / preview of tonight's Pens game. But since we're up early, we figured we'd take the opportunity to post long-form video highlights after a win. It moved the Habs up to 7th in the East. Two more notes: God the Sens are terrible, and the Leaf is hot. Ugh.

PK on Broadway: Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

Tonight, PK Subban gets to take his mega-watt smile and polarizing demeanor to the city that never sleeps as the Habs take on the Broadway Blueshirts. Will Montreal be another smash hit like Billy Elliot, or will they end up with a trail of broken bodies and bad reviews like Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?

Curtain, Lights: 7:00 pm at the "World's Most Famous Arena" (cough, cough - not because of you, Rangers - cough cough) on RDS, actual full nation TSN, and the MSG network. Habs have actually won three of four, while the Rangers have taken three straight.

Names above the marquee: Do you get the feeling PK would be on a Times Square billboard already if he wore a Ranger's jersey?  At the very least Don Cherry would love his moxie rather than call him uppity. Eyes are on him and the Whizzer (6 points in 6 games as a Hab) as nearly the last men standing on the Habs blueline. Scott Gomez (he of the 13 points in his last 12 - it's true!) returns to where he signed his massive contract in the first place. He should be up for this. All Star Carey Price is always center stage because this team can't score, but it looks like understudy Alex Auld goes tonight. Understudy Lars Eller also gets a game in place of lead tenor Squid. For the Rangers, Brandon Dubinsky is the new Ron Duguay, leading the team in scoring and swooning ladies in the crowd. Marian Gaborik is ever dangerous but currently ice cold. All Star King Henrik Lundqvist remains one of the NHL's best and All Star Marc Staal is quickly becoming a game-changer on defence.

Bit players: Rangers made a move for some offence to cover for the season ending injury of Alex Frolov by acquiring Wojtek Wolski for "much-maligned" defender Michael Rosival. With all New York's injuries, guys like rookie Derek Stepan and Artem Anisimov have been getting some valuable minutes. Captain Chris Drury will never live up to his contract (signed the same day as Gomez) but Rangers fans seem to have accepted him. Habs need much more from supposed headliners Pleks and Big Tits; both are in prolonged slumps and there isn't a lot of help coming from the bottom two lines so it's far more noticeable.

Your understudies will be: Weber is in because Markov and Gorges are out for the year. Eller is back in as Squid fights off "flu-like" symptoms. Rangers could cast an entire production with their injury list, as Vinny Prospal, Derek Boogard, Ryan Callahan, Erik Christensen and Alex Frolov are all definitely out, and former Habs first-rounder Ryan McDonagh is questionable. Wolkski may have to play defence and wing to make up the shortfall.

Playing the fool as always: Sean Avery. Still around, still an asshole. Sigh.

Scathing reviews courtesy of: Interesting look at the business of hockey through the Rangers over at BlueSeatsBlog. Wait, there's a blog that isn't run by snarky, photoshopping weirdos with a penchant for swearing? Yep. Good for them.

Aprés show entertainment: Um, it's New York. If you can't find something to do aprés show in New Freaking York, I can't help you.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, January 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the national CHampionship...

• Screw you you stupid Pens. Pens lead the Bs 2-0 going into the third; final score, Bs 4, Pens 2. Pens still winless since Sid went out;
• To make your morning worse, the Laffs win their 3rd in a row, 3-2 over the Kings;
• Long-lost Hab Matt D'Agostini has 1G 1A in a 4-3 loss to the Yotes, putting the Yotes into the top 8 in the West;
• Jimmy Howard was pulled in the Wings' 5-4 loss to the Avs;
• It's a spelling nightmare trade: Rangers send D Michal Roszival to the Yotes for Wojtek Wolski;
• Alex Kovalev is out with a bum knee;
• Squid is puking his guts out or something and won't make it to the Big Apple for the Rangers game tonight.

The Soirée Skate for 2011/01/10

~ click to embiggen ~

1 in a series (based on)

The Morning Skate for Monday, January 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of 45 tonnes of beer...

• Devils 6, Bolts 3. We really don't understand this league any more;
• The Canes are nipping at the heels of whoever is in 8th in the East after a 4-3 (OT) win over the Thrash;
• Stars are hot, beat the Wild 4-0. At least the Little Fuckity-Fuck didn't score;
• Our old friend Greek Lightning got 6-games from the NHL Wheel of Justice for his hit on Brad Stuart;
• Puck Daddy sums up HBO's Pens-Caps 24/7 series with their top 24 greatest things about the show. If TMS may stick his nose in for the moment, this was 4 of the most entertaining hours of TV we've ever seen  and you should all go fucking see it, for fuck's sake;
• Stubbs rehashes "the shove" and its aftermath from The Mexican's (comedic) point of view;
• JT has the Lord speaking to CHokula.

Good Monday to you kids. How about some video to get you started this week? What's on Habs TV? Let's get to know CHeez Whiz a little better.