- Well the farce is finally over with. Team Lidstrom beats Team Staal 11-10. Patrick Sharp was the MVP in a losing cause with 1 G 2A, even though Team Lidstrom had three players with 2 G each in a winning cause, so we're not sure what that's about. Carey Price made some saves and let in some goals. Somehow Nik Lidstrom was a +7; that's scary. The highlight was Ovie throwing his stick to give up a penalty shot. Or the highlight was the curling CBC showed instead of the player intros;
- Jack Todd makes some sense this morning.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Morning Skate gets back to work for Monday, January 31st
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Australian Open...
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread
James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.
Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?
Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?
NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.
McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!
Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.
Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!
McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.
Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.
Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!
NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...
Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?
McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!
McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?
Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.
NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.
McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.
Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?
McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!
Duthie: Andrei?
Andrei: Carey Price.
McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.
Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.
Andrei: Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.
Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.
Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.
Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.
Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.
McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].
McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!
Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.
Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.
Andrei: Malkin.
Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.
Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.
Andrei: Tim Thomas.
Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.
McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!
Duthie: Shut it.
Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.
Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?
Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.
Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?
Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.
McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].
Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?
Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.
Price: Duthie, dude! Done.
Duthie: Andrei?
Andrei: Phil Kessel.
Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].
Andrei: So I is winner, yes?
Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.
The All-Star Sexy Friday Morning Skate for January 28th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Cristiano Ronaldo's perfect girlfriend in lingerie...
- You missed nothing. It's the All-Star break. The Player Draft goes tonight. In preparation, FHF will present its own mock draft later today (or tomorrow maybe; we're not too good at planning around here). If you think the FHF mock draft will be serious, you're seriously mistaken;
- Caps sign Semin to a one-year extension;
- Here's an article about how the Leafs suck;
- Here's another one;
- And another one;
- Here's one about how Brian Burke sucks;
- The Hamilton Bulldogs' six-game win streak came to an end last night.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Morning Skate says goodbye to Ben CaHOOOOON for Thursday, January 27th
Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of an Als' season without Ben CahOOOOON...
- Ugh. Not only did we lose going in to the break, but the Bs won;
- As did the Thrashers, who are now nipping at our heels;
- As did the Whalercanes, who are now nipping at the Thrashers' heels;
- Some other games happened, but really, who cares, we're already in All-Star break mode;
- Here's a positive article on the Habs on TSN. Huh? Oh, it was written by the Canadian Press not "TSN Staff";
- Goodbye Ryan White, we hardly knew ye;
- In case you missed it yesterday, PFK is going to the All-Star SuperDuperSkills Comp.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Need a new dreamcatCHer? ~ Flyers 5 - Habs 2 - No wish fulfilment, no pleasure principled Game review
DreamsCHape ~ Like J.T., I gave up/out by the 2nd period. Similar to the Habs I tossed and turned, made a wet spot, CHanged my socks, got a few winks and woke up to a week of analysis, meditation and hopefully a reCHarged body, mind and soul as I prepare to CHeer our team to a playoff position, one where they do (don't?) meet the fucking PHlyers in round one. A wet dream? A nightmare? Time to lay on the couCH and review things.
Resolving inner conflicts ~ nope, Habs consciously pooCHed the PK and the game
Counting sCHeep ~ stop at 5, otherwise go to hell
Conscious ~ DarCHe and Double D (that's a lot of Ds)
Unconscious ~ Rest of the team, maybe they need rest
Subconscious ~ They already miss Muller?
Flip to the cold side of the Draft ~ I know, Carter and Giroux could've be ours
Enter Boogey/Sandman ~ PHucking PHronger's PHour PHucking PHoints
Wet dreams ~ As a young teenager, this dreamy dame got me moist;
FHFemmes were probably all over this hairy Beest;
Insomniacs ~ Our Sens fan friends
Piss/crap the bed, time to change the sheets ~ leaf
Bunk bed buddies ~ PFK! and TFS™ seem rather CHummy away from the arena, too bad Subban didn't make the rookie ASG, what the fuck is that all about? (Fixed)
Coach sleeps with his socks on ~ CHocula seems like such a straight-laced fellow. When he sleeps, wonder where his fingers go. Do we need deeper interpretation? Picture him in leather.
Give us your secret word and test results on using benzodiazepine with ice cream in the comments.
G Y F H G !
The Morning Skate has a bad taste in his mouth as the All-Star break begins on Wednesday, January 26th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making it to 112 years old...
- Blech. Blech blech blech. Habs played a great 15 minutes of hockey to open the game and really looked like they meant business. Then an almost comical series of penalties late in the period resulted in two Flyer PP goals, and it was all downhill from there to a 5-2 final. LEARN TO COUNT TO FIVE SKATERS ALREADY FOR FUCK'S SAKE. More later, if we can stomach it. Blech;
- Some consolation for scoreboardwatcher as the Rangers lost;
- Yay! Ottawa got a point! We're pity-rooting for them now;
- We would never pity-root for Toronto, tho. Bolts 2, Leaf 0;
- Pens doing it with defence, 1-0 over the Isles;
- Saku had a couple of assists in the Ducks' 3-2 win over the BJ's;
- Some player we never heard of is suing the Ducks for anti-semitism;
- Isles suspend Nabby for not showing up.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
We're planning the Habs' All-Star break for this Flyers preview and open thread
Ah, the All-Star break. A time when 1% of the league gathers for a useless 14-11 game and some photo ops, and the other 99% of the league does something else (hookers and blow). With all the Habs but TFS having a week off after tonight, we thought we'd provide a couple of handy suggestions as to how they should spend their time.
PatCHes - chest protector shopping
The Mexican - mentally prepare for traditional second half points explosion; alternative - meeting with financial planners
MOEmaN - dig up more dirt on CHokula to regain top 6 forward status
Tits - studying for kindergarten equivalency degree
Tommy Pyatt - actually get in some ice time
Hal Gill - potluck dinner preparation
PFK - attend Homer Simpson Showboating Academy for additional ideas to really piss Don Cherry off
Entire defensive corps - knee-strengthening exercises, and lots of 'em
Alex Auld - get kick-ass head tattoo
CHokula - sign up for "Get in Touch With Your Emotions" seminar at the Holiday Inn by the airport
CoaCH Kirk - resumé writing workshop
PleXXXe - beach time. You've earned it. Like you earned an ASG invite you didn't get, because the ASG is biased against two-way players.
OK let's set up the Phucktards with a little help from some other All-Star Games from around the world of sports.
Waiting for defense in an NBA ASG - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on Versus for all you 'Mericans. The Flyers are probably the best team in the league right now, and these are arguably the two hottest teams in the league in 2011. Flyers have gone 9-2-0 in January, while the Habs went 6-1-3 over the same span. This is the fourth and final meeting between the teams, the Flyers holding a 2-1 edge. A win would tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, though the Bs would have one game in hand.
Like the WNBA ASG; you really don't want to watch, but you can't turn away from the giant freaks - I expect some Broad Street Hockey drop-ins tonight. Play nice everyone!
Hot like Pete Rose barreling into
As useless as the Pro Bowl - given the teams' respective January records, it's no surprise that neither team has any really bad players right now. I just wanted to write that the Pro Bowl is useless.
If you get injured in an ASG you're either Ted Williams,
Post-game adult entertainment - All-Star Porn Girls! (really very completely totally NSFW)
Are you an all-star commentor? Prove it.
The last Game Day Skate for a while for Tuesday, January 25th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of friending the Pope on Facebook...
- Thank you from standingwatcher, Jonathan Quick! Kings 2, Bs 0;
- No thank you, stupid extra point rule: Rangers 2, Caps 1 (SO);
- Give the Leaf credit for fighting back twice against the Canes. Hahaha, no don't be silly, and of course they lost, 6-4;
- Your token West game was a bit of a surprise, the struggling Nucks crushing the surging Stars, 7-1;
- Marc Savard, concussion, etc. Sounds familiar;
- Here's you power rankings roundup: ESPN (Habs 10th), TSN (12th), The Hockey News (10th). Don't trust the TSN one tho given they have the Bs 1st for some bizarre reason, like the TSN staff being idiots;
- CHallah Halpern will be back against the Flyers;
- François Gagnon has BREAKING EXCLUSIVE NEWS that Kirk Muller will leave the Habs after this season when his contract expires, because he is a good candidate for a lot of coaching positions. Tell us something we don't know.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The noontime skate is firing cannons for Monday, January 24th
Bullet points for what you missed while sleeping off your Championship Sunday hangover...
- We guess some hockey games happened yesterday. We didn't notice, we were watching football. Let's see, Flyers win, Islanders are terrible, nothing newsworthy there. Devils won their fourth straight. Atlanta lost, that's good;
- Garth Snow: "Hey Nabby, we've signed you. When would you like to report?" Nabby: *Click*;
- Looks like Sid won't play the ASG, and Geno isn't too likely either;
- All you Sens fans (I'm sure there are still some somewhere) calling for a GM or coach firing are out of luck;
- Komi is allegedly punching women and not commenting on it. No comment on the no comment;
- The Leaf Stan Lee Guardian is a tree;
- Goodbye SCHrabble, we hardly knew ye;
- Jack Todd sort of gets it, but not really. It was never the fans who ran Koivu out of town, you idiot. If it was anyone, it was, you know, the media.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Red, White and Blue Badge of CHourage ~ Ducks 4 - Habs 3 (SO) ~ Saku's homecoming ~ Game Review
"He suddenly lost concern for himself, and forgot to look at
a menacing fate. He became not a man but a member.
He felt that something of which he was a part—a regiment, an army,
a cause, or a country—was in a crisis. He was welded into a common
personality which was dominated by a single desire."
~ Stephen Crane
The desire to win, to beat the opponent, be it the xenophobic Québec media, the true on-ice rival Bruins and worse fucking cancer. Our valiant little 'C' beat the Bill 101 crazies, beat the big bad Bs and biggest of all beat the big fucking C, all along winning our hockey and humane hearts. Keep fighting courageously. Merci, Thank You, Kiitos Saku.
♥ ❤ ❥
Disregard Gordie's Bruins jersey (but fitting considering Saku always played and beat them well).
One of my fave Hip tunes. Great lyrics, cool fucking vocals and incredible musicianship.
CHourage
Watch the game with a bunCH of FHFers
Quickly, follow the anthem with someone known
Quickly, follow the spotlight with someone familiar
Quickly someone familiar
CHourage, Saku's word, he came home, its all that mattered
Habs sleepwalked, so fast asleep in the first period
The Habs play at home and fans bliss on their old Captain
Standing O!, he kissed all our Bell Centre surroundings
CHourage, Saku's word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, our word, Koivu came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, my word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, fucking cancer, couldn't come at a worse time!
(un-parodied)
"So there's no simple explanation
for anything important any of us do
and yea the human tragedy
consists in the necessity
of living with the consequences
under pressure, under pressure"
CHourage, Saku's word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, our word, Koivu came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, my word, he came home, its all that mattered
CHourage, 3rd penalty, couldn't come at a worse time! PatCHes!
CHourage, overtime, couldn't determine a winner!
CHourage, shootout, couldn't score at a worse time! 0 for 3.
CHourage, 2nd Star, couldn't come at a better time! SAKU KOIVU!
CHourage!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)