The Texas-Sized Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 11

Bullet points cause you are too busy celebrating 19 straight wins ... or bullet points for what you missed while having dreams or nightmares of being with a high-priced prostitute... or bullet points while you wonder how big the Game Day Skate can get when HF29 and HF10 get their signals crossed ...

• Don't ask HF29, he's in fucking Texas. You would think with a good hockey team, they would be interested in hockey. They are not;
• Since when do the Rangers have the same number of points as the Sens??? You go away for a few days and crazy things happen. Now five teams in the clusterfuck at the top of the East.
• HF33 begins the FHF quest to become Kings of All Media with radio appearance talkin' 'bout fightin' with MYFO;
• Iggy passes loveable scamp Theo Fleury to become Flames all-time leading goal-getter in Calgary's whacking of St. Louis;
• Congrats to McGill's Women's hockey, who capped an undefeated national championship season this weekend.

Devils in town tonight. Bring your pillow because you're going to feel sleepy.

Listen to the Radio: Starship Said it

The FHF will be taking part in a one hour radio show tonight at 9pm. EDT on BlogTalkRadio's hockey show.

The Amazing Melt Your Face-Off will be taking over the hour and have us discuss the Instigator Rule, the role of the Enforcer and the purpose of rough stuff in today's NHL.

Log on here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stations/bc/frozenshowzen

See you tonight. Actually, hear you tonight. Don't be shy, phone in!

Bahh, It's a Stupid Name Anyway - Ducks (...pssshahahaha) 3, Habs 1

While Anaheim and Montreal skated around the pond for a rather dull game last night, I tried to think long and hard about the better ducks out there in this world. Then I concluded by thinking that ducks are kinda like the Indians in Hollywood movies - wanting to be hip and calculated yet inherently socially awkward and clumsy, and cursed by a missed-the-mark virility (that's what the movies want you to think, not me, call off the defamation suits, what the hell sue me I'm a lawyer, I have Indian friends), ....(ok not really friends more like acquaintances).

Think about it. Take a look at these ducks.

Daffy: Terrible lisp. Sounds like Bryan Murray. I don't care how smart you are, you're coming across as a 7-year old with a sugar rush.

Donald: The cooler duck. A wanna-be suave. Kind of like the James Bond of ducks. But he's still a geek and every Disney character would bone him last if stranded on a desert island with other Disney characters and Jurrasic Park dinosaurs (1st movie).

Howard the Duck: Uber nerdy, tried to bang Lea Thompson. The only other character who tried to get into her pants was that creepy dude from Back to the Future. Howard is responsible for one of the most disastrous bits of fiction ever committed to film.

The Aflak Duck: The Keanu Reeves of ducks. Kinda cool at first but you soon come to notice that his thin acting skills fail to veil his dense persona. I'm sure he gets the chicks but they usually go home with that dirty feeling rather than a sense of jubilation. They screen his calls afterwards.

Losers. All of them. Sure some of them may have hatched prematurely. Some of them just had it rough from the beginning. Some learned to waddle late, some refused to eat on their own, insisting their parents continue to vomit the food in their mouths. Some lost everything in the dot com bubble. Some said, "Hey, laser discs! That's a great idea!" I know, it's not right to judge. But look, I'm just calling them how I see them.

Sure, Anaheim can skate rings around most teams in the NHL, but at the end of the day no player who respects himself`can say" I'm real proud to be a Duck" without feeling his testicles vanish. Really. "I'm proud to be a Duck" - checks for testicles - "phew!!!" - another quick glance to make sure.

It's too bad because the Habs could have left the West Coast with the mental reassurance of having beaten at least one of the top teams in the Conference, with a 3-1 record to boot. But the hostile wildlife in California would eventually have its say, and the Sharks and Ducks can now tell themselves they won't have much to fear should the Habs or Sens make their way across America in June. They sure didn't in June of 2007.

These Ducks, formerly of the Mighty lineage, schooled the Canadiens for 3 periods, limiting them to 12 shots after the first 2 of play. An inspired Kovalev, who finally notched his 30th of the season, couldn't find enough fuel to lead the reunited Kovy-Grabs-Tits trio of love. With a Turtleplek nursing a Turtlecold, the team reluctantly fed Grababybovski to the Ducks. It wasn't enough; Turtlepleck was turtlemissed.

So yes, the name is terribly puerile, but the players wearing the jerseys are not the bumbling buffoons of Disney. Pronger, Niedermayer, (bis), Selanne. All carved out of the trunk of Man. Champs. Nothing Carey Price could stop when Anaheim turned the jets on late in the third to break an endless tie. It was just a matter of the fortress being breached and eventually falling to a far stronger opponent. They play the game the way it was to meant to be played. One thing you can say about ducks: they always mean well. These Ducks insist on being taken seriously.

The Mid-Morning Skate for Monday, March 10

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the day underdogs took over the soccer world's most famous Cup competition ...

• Habs battle Ducks to draw for most of 60 minutes ... still lose;
• Speaking of the Ducks, the Oilers are working overtime to make sure Anaheim doesn't get a top five pick for Dustin Penner;
• Washington's lost weekend may have put the kibosh on Ovie's playoff hopes.

Habs come home to face Devils tomorrow night.

Ladies and Gentleman ... up next, the Defending Stanley Cup Champions ... "Welcome to the OC, Bitch" Game Preview

Not as big as Pronger and Getzlaf, but twice as mean.

Waiting in line details: 9:00 pm Eastern ... no Sir Sanford Fleming references today, kiddos. That's a twice a year, spring ahead/fall back affliction that Senators Lost Cojones also suffers from. (Great minds, SLC. Or, as my dad would say, idiots run in herds. Tomato, tomahto.) On the RDS, not on anywhere else, unless you're the one guy in Canada who ponied up for the Versus network. Live from the Pond in Anaheim, as the Habs tour of the awful jersey-stupid nickname division comes to a close.

Pay your cover charge to: Have we mentioned Battle of California yet? We have? Twice? Fair enough.

Hot Sexy Habs to Watch: Gui! Gui! Gui! scored for the first time in 16 games last night. Captain Koivu seems to have shrugged off his early-to-mid-season malaise and was on the scoresheet again ... although as Panger mentioned in his post-game, you can bet the kids college fund on his nightly offensive zone hook. Upset of the night? Breezer! Scored a goal, played decent, sounded totally happy to play a role as veteran dressing room/frequent press box visitor type. As much as we run the man down, he has been nothing but classy in his return to les Canadiens. Grabs should take a seat beside him every trip and take notes. Jaro's reward for 35 stops is a seat on the bench, safe from Bertuzzi, Getzlaf, Pronger, and the rest of the WWF-sized freaks of nature Brian Burke collects like stamps.

Skanky Habs to watch: Is it me, or has Big Tits been kinda quiet lately? Panger noticed Komisarek seemed to be off for a bit too ... here's hoping he was saving it for tonights dance with the Ducks four 600 combined pounds forward lines.

Hot sexy Ducks to watch: Teemu Selanne shows the effectiveness of taking the first six months off, racking up points a plenty. Scott Niedermayer decided being the best defenceman on the planet was more fun when your friends could watch, so he came back too. Ducks are a terrifying mix of speed, size, talent, and anger. Ryan Getzlaf has a Mark Messier starter kit in his locker and may soon need a nickname like "The Walking Apocalypse".


Skanky Ducks to watch: They actually lost two straight this week, and leading goal-getter Corey Perry is out for six weeks after getting his tendon sliced. Super. Now they're pissed off. Hide the women, children, and speedy wingers because someone's gonna get hurt.


Post-game entertainment: Going to UCLA medical centre to count the number of Habs being wheeled in on stretchers? Icing all your body parts in sympathy? Helping find Frankie B's spleen after Getzlaf hits him through the Honda ad on the end boards? Speed-dialing the White House to tell them you found the Weapons of Mass destruction, and they're all wearing black and orange Ducks jerseys? I'm voting for going to bed and reading the accident reports in the morning. There's a reason why no one is seriously considering an Eastern Conference rep as a legit Stanley Cup threat folks, and the train known as the Ducks is it.

Okay, let's hear your thoughts and prayers for the safety of notre Canadiens in the comments.

Greek Lightening's Revenge: Habs 5, California Girls 2

The last time I made fun of a team by calling it names was by insisting on referring to the Hurricanes as the Hartford Whalers. And they kicked the Habs' asses in their next game. But fear not, there are no more games against L.A. this year, so we're calling them the California Girls. Take that, City of Angels!

Plan the Parade: Habs win! OK, ok, it was against the NHL's bottom feeder, but a win's a win. (We hear Dean Lombardi already has Steve Stamkos' L.A. jersey ready for him in June.) The win keeps them on top of the Northeast Division and in 2nd place in the conference. Jaro Halak stops 35 shots for his first win of this season. Guimauve scored for the first time in 16 games and added an assist. Hamr added a couple of helpers and Greek Lightening returns to his old stomping ground to rub a little salt in the wound with an empty-netter. DOOM doled out 7 hits and bounced back pretty well from a couple of sub-par games. Of course, lining up against guys named 'Jeff Guiliano' helps.

And now you can exhale: reports are the Grabby managed to catch the bus to Anaheim this time. Enjoy the winters in Vladivostok, Mikhail, because there will be repercussions for your Great Disappearing Act in Phoenix. Just ask your coach.

And last but certainly not least, FHF celebrates the return of Pierre Houde to the RDS play-by-play booth. Not to knock Yvon Pednault's job against Phoenix, but Yvon did radio play-by-play on TV, and we couldn't wait to have Pierre back. As the Wu-Tang Clan suggests, Protect ya neck, Pierre.

The Sky is Falling: Ok, who freaking let Breezer out of the trunk? I though we had an arrangement here, people. Yes, he scored a goal, but that's all a part of his master plan: make himself look competent against the 30th place team so he can earn a roster spot against a good team, where he can wreak the most havoc in the Habs end. Seriously, we're sitting Rhino for him? Back to the youth movement in Anaheim, we pray.

You can still bet the kids' RESP money on Saku being called for an offensive zone penalty at least once a game. Habs faceoff circle woes continue, as the soon-to-be departed UFA Slowinski and Mad Max both win less than 40% of their draws.

Who thought we'd long for the days of Michael Leighton? That sound you hear is a huge sigh of relief from Bob Gainey, because the next two goaltending options for the Habs are Yann Danis and Cedric Desjardins. Yes, that Yann Danis. And when I mentioned this to the other members of FHF this past week, the universal reaction was "Cedric Who?" Well, he played for Patrick Roy, so maybe that's a good thing?

(p.s. in case some of the less die-hard fans have forgotten. Leighton was the dude we picked up at the trade deadline last year and peddled to Carolina at the draft. At least he had one NHL victory to his credit.)

Chez Paree Bound: #1 Halak for making 35 saves and inspiring some needed faith in the Habs' goaltending depth, #2 Guimauve for breaking out of his slump and looking interested, and #3 to Greek Lightening for sticking it to his former employers (not that FHF has any reason to admire that...)

Next Evil Foe: The Formerly Mighty Now Just Regular Strength Ducks of Anaheim, in a few hours. You know, considering they play like the Broad Street Bullies and have generally be responsible for leading the NHL back to its Neanderthal days, we really should have more hate for the Ducks. But Brian Burke is no Bob Clarke, and it's hard to hate a team you see one every three years. We'll hate them because of Teemu and Scotty Niedermayer thinking they were to good for the first half of the NHL season - and by extension, its fans, and by extension, me personally. Dick. Oh, and we don't like Chris Pronger, either: I've been to Edmonton and I've been to Anaheim. Anaheim isn't that much nicer, just more fake boobs - but you're never far from a Hooters in Edmonton!

Ladies and Gentlemen - The Habs Hit LA For ONE NIGHT ONLY

The Habs come to Hollywood, somewhere they haven't been since before Britney was El Loco Gigantico, with their own soap opera diva (Grabs!) stealing the headlines on the broadsheets. Let's get the gossip:

Waiting in line details - 4:00 pm EST start, so that's like, I dunno, 11:00 am out West? Who am I, Sir Sanford Fleming? An afternoon match-up of the Eastern Conference co-leaders and Team Hollywood sounds like something the CBC would love right? Wrong. If you want to see some hockey on the mothership today you have to wait for the 7:00 Toronto Dead Maple Leafs Walking vs Team Sominex - er, New Jersey. God, the Devils are horrible to watch. If Bettman really cared about hockey, he'd revoke that franchise and shoot Lou Lamirello so he couldn't ever harm hockey again.

Pay Your Cover Charge to: HF29 said to keep it locked on Battle of Calfornia for this trip, and who are we to argue with the Game Preview Guru? Battle of California it is.

Hot Sexy Habs to Watch: Same old, same old: Kovy, 9 points in last 4; Turtleplek, 8 in the last 4. But wait! Captain K is going a point a game for his last 11, and Higgins had a pair of assists last game. Line 1B in the hizzouse! Halak comes off the bench at long last to face live ammo.

Skanky Habs to watch: Grabovski sat last game, pouted, travelled by himself to LA and is apparently sulking. A little advice: DO SOMETHING IN THIS LEAGUE before you get your panties in a bunch about sitting. There are far more accomplished NHL players than you sitting on the sidelines for the Habs every night. Thank your lucky stars you weren't on the first bus to the ECHL. El Dandy sits tonight with Greek Lightning making a triumphant return to last year's home.

Hot Sexy Kings to watch: Patrick O'Sullivan (he of the CRAZY CRAZY dad) and Anze Kopitar (he of the CRAZY CRAZY name) are both scoring pretty regularly. Dustin Brown is a frightening combo of size and goals. Rookie goalie Eric Ernsberg is coming off a first career shutout vs the Sens.

Skanky Kings to watch: Well, they have only won 2 of their last 9, are dead last in the NHL, and already stitching "Stamkos" onto a horrible jersey. Nuff said, methinks.

Post-Game Entertainment: Hey man, it's LA! Go to the Sunset Strip, see some glam rock at the Whiskey A Go-Go, then get yourself tattooed by the very intriguing Kat Von D.

Okay, let's here those Hollywood-themed dirty dirty thoughts in the comments.

No Fly Zone - Emery Calls Grabovski The Badest Man on Earth - Grabs Tells Team "Nani Nani Fufu"

I often wondered what it would take to make Ray Emery look like Julie Andrews. Maybe coach Murray could cure the Sens ailments by committing the team to a Von Trapp style of play.

Regardless, Habs forward Mikhail Grabovski decided to take his pre-pubescent career to new heights by keeping his two feet firmly planted on the ground. After having been scratched by coach Carbonneau in last night's game in Phoenix, Grabs decided to retaliate by, get this, refusing to take the team's flight to Los Angeles.

In contemplating the Habs' response to this insubordination, I couldn't help but think of this bit of brilliance.



Grabs, you ignorant slut, why don't you take your 74 minutes of NHL experience, your babysitting agent and Muppet Babies pacifier and get ready for the Malakhov fan treatment the fans are going to give you when you get back to Montreal.

The West Coast games are too late, and I don't have RDS anyway: The Bullet Points Game Review

Bullet point review from a guy who crashed into bed exhausted due to work and chasing 16-month old daughter commitments:

• Your obligatory "frustrated, beaten once again Coyote" reference is above;
• Price recovers from sunburn on face and red-light burn on neck to make 37 stops;
• Kovy has three assists, including 500th of career;
• Koivu scores again, Higgins has two assists ... is line 1B heating up at the right time?
• Habs back into tie for first in East ... parade marshalls on standby pending results of games vs arguably worst and best teams in league this weekend;
• HF29 off to Austin to hang out with techie crowd, rather than cruise University of Texas campus for hotties ... sanity being questioned as we speak;
• Everyone in Canada east of Manitoba curses Mother Nature in advance of ANOTHER F'ING STORM;
• Neither of those had anything to do with hockey, but warranted mentioning.
• All forms of hockey logic would point to a Halak sighting vs Kings this weekend. Look for Price to start again as Carbo throws every single coaching convention out the window.

The Morning Skate for Friday, March 7th

One really fast bullet point for what you missed while having nightmares of your stadium being renamed...

• Carey Price steals one. Combined with the Pens loss, Habs are back on top in the East. Woohoo! Oh yeah, Sens lose again (to the pathetic Kings!), Leafs still clinging to life, pummel B's.

We're being quick as TMS / HF29 heads off to the airport to head to the rocking town of Austin Texas.