The Morning Skate for Friday, March 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of / having nightmares of Lindsay Lohan's ass...

• Well, TFS tried to win that game on his own, was unsuccessful. Habs lose 3-2. It was pretty entertaining. That's something we guess. Entertainment doesn't move you up in the standings though. More later today;
• IL EST DE RETOUR. BR is now an "éditorialiste" for RDS.ca. In unretiring a little over a month after he retired, BR wants you to know that he didn't "abandon the people at ruefrontenac.com." He just fucked them over;
• Bs need a shootout over the Leafs to win their first game at home since Don Cherry was coaching, or something;
• WhalerCanes on fire, win their 7th in a row, this one over the Sens;
• Lundqvist manages to stop 50 shots, but it's not enough as the Pens beat the Rangers in OT;
• Caps take the Bolts;
• Thrashers take the Isles;
• As a result of all that, your clusterfuck this morning is Habs in 10th, and Atlanta holding the 8th spot. Atlanta? Atlanta.

We wonder what BR will have to say about all this.

There's blood in the water - Sharks preview and open thread

Just look at this that sits atop the internet previews of this game: CANADIENS (30-28-6) at SHARKS (40-14-9). Ugh. The Sharks are 1st in their division, 2nd in their conference, 3rd in the league. Habs are 3rd, 7th, and 20th respectively. Nice way to start the Cali swing. OK then. Let's go with the "Habs always play to the level of their opponents" meme for this one. On to the Jaws quotes!

Well, if we're looking for a shark we're not gonna find him on the land - 10:30 PM start in San Jose's Pavilion named for a Pavilion computer. Game is on TSN. Habs have not won at said Pavilion since 1999. This is the only meeting between the teams this year. Sharks rallied on Tuesday from 4-0 down against the Devils to get to 4-3, but couldn't get the tying goal and lost.

You're certifiable, Quint. You know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Slightly Saucy appears to be a Sharks and Flyers blog (?!?) run by two pretty funny ladies. That teal background is hypnotic, and possibly certifiable. And Fear the Fin is the Sharks blog on the interwebs, in case you didn't know.

It's really a miracle of evolution - your hot Habs are DarCHe! Métro! Pyatt! Tremble at the names, Shark fans! Joe Thornton is your hot Shark, though you wouldn't know it from most of his Olympic play. Some dude named Devin Setoguchi had 2 goals in that Devils loss.

Come on down here and chum some of this shit - Pleks pointless in 3. For the Sharks, Marleau is pointless in 5 and Heater has just one point in his last 4. Nabokov is 0-2-0, 3.58, .868 in his last 2 games, and that doesn't include his Olympic disaster.

I'll drink to your leg. Okay, so we drink to our legs - Squid's and The Urologist's legs did not even make the trip. Mara is day-to-day. Goaltender not yet announced as of this writing.

Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women - Shark Porn!

I would appreciate a lot of screaming in the comments to keep me awake. This game is way past my bedtime.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of gender-neutral lyrics to Oh Canada...

• Trade deadline! Came and went! There were a lot of trades! The exclamation points are to hide how fucking boring that was. And after the Dagger blockbuster, the Goat stands pat. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss;
• Ryan Miller stopped a lot of shots against the Caps, but not enough of them as the Sabres fall 3-1;
• In the only game around the clusterfuck last night, Phlyers lose to the Panthers. We can see 6th place! [/laughs maniacally];
• Edmonton gives up 47 shots, only get 14. No surprise, that equals a loss to the Hawks;
• Mike Babcock, after the Wings lose to the Nucks: "We were poor. We were poor in goal. We were poor in the back end. We were poor up front. We were poor in the work ethic department." Don't hold back Mike;
  
• Our old pal Sheldon Souray is out for the season with a serious infection in his hand. Yikes. We wish him well.

Sharks tonight. We hear they may be good.

OUF! Nobody Traded My Metro! Trade Day Edition of Game Review: Habs 4 -Bruins 1

Breathe out, the Metro isn't leaving this station. The foundation of this team will remain part and parcel of your Canadiens for years to come. The legend Glen MetroPOlit, not MetROpolit, will soon accept the C on his jersey, and we should all mentally prepare for the number raising ceremony in the context of a joint Houle/Metropolit commemoration.

We know that GM Pierre/Bob Gauthier/Gainey had intended on shipping Metro to the Coyotes for a new 2010 Edition of the American Bankruptcy Law Collection, leather bound.

But after single handedly vaulting the Habs to a secure seventh place in the eastern conference, with all other teams behind holding an average of 18 games in hand, hey Gauthier/Gainey just couldn't step on the face of the public's adulation for the cornerstone of our storied franchise.

The Olympic break came to a crushing halt last night, at least as far as Montrealers are concerned, when the Habs and Bruins embarked on the dullest first 40 minutes of hockey I can ever remember. Think of a mute guy with no arms and no legs coming on right after Robin Williams at the comedy club.

One of the better rivalries in sport could not salvage the inevitable nostalgia hockey fans will be feeling as the drabbest of curtains lift on this paused season. With everything that the last 2 weeks meant to us, it's really hard to come back to the pettiness of the Carey Price-Jaro Halak situation, or better yet, welcome the idea of another Jacques Martin press conference.

Which leads us to trade day. Today. A day that felt like a 6-hour Jacques Martin press conference.

TSN TRADE ALERT!

Shoes have been traded for laces.

...

TSN TRADE ALERT!

The Toronto Maple Leafs have acquired Truman Capote.

TSN TRADE ALERT!

Bob Mckenzie: Sorry, someone over at control room pushed the alert button by mistake. No trade to report.

TSN TRADE ALERT!

Bill Guerin has traded 64 shares in Encana Corp.

TSN TRADE ALERT!

Deadline has passed and Glen MetroPOlit is still a Montreal Canadien, the Olympic parade can therefore finally begin.

Somebody get me a bed and turn off the lights. Forget the lights, with games and trade deadlines like these, I could sleep through anything.

The Morning Skate for Wedensday, March 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a new slider BalckBerry...

• W00t! The 19-game mini-season begins with a 4-1 win over the Bs and some hope. The Lunchbucket line and the Bread and Butter line (actual nicknames still TBD) picked up the scoring slack, with Métro leading the way with 1G 1A and the first star. Suck it, HF4. More later today;
• AND the Leafs get crushed, by Carolina no less. What a return to hockey;
• Rangers pre-Olympic moementum continues, Sens' does not. 4-1 Rangers;
• Philly rolls over Tampa;
  
• This all leaves the Habs in 7th. Won't last;
  
• Pens beat the Sabres 3-2, with Miller resting and getting a huge ovation (bigger than Sid) in Pitt;
• Your token west result has the Kings dominating the Stars, 5-1.
  

It's trade deadline day! And the Habs are involved for a change already! Buh-bye Dagger. We would appreciate if someone could pronounce the new guy's name for us. We'll keep one eye on Big Fat Bob Mackenzie all day and jump in if anything real happens. In the meantime, we know you'll enjoy some video highlights after a win:

Back to work boys - Bruins Preview and Open Thread

Two weeks of fun and games are over. Time to get back to the factory floor gentlemen. Pleks, Little Tits, and Jaro, we relished your performances in Vancouver. Vodkov, not so much. But the lights are out on that party. Time to start earning a real paycheque again. Grab your lunch pail and get to work. Had enough of these ridiculous metaphors yet? Me too.

Waiting in line to vote for a shop steward details - 7 PM start in Boston. Who gives a shit about the last ten or any streaks? It's basically a whole new season. Habs have won 3 of 4 so far this year against the B's, though the last one was the Boston win when they broke their epic ten-game losing streak.

The mean, evil bosses - at least we come back to have some good-natured ribbing with Cornelius.

Hot like the oppressive heat of those evil machines brought on by the industrial revolution - as already mentioned, it's a new season. No one is hot. Well maybe Little Tits, who had an outstanding Olympics.

Cold like the factory floor - as already mentioned, it's a new season. No one is cold. Well maybe Patrice Bergeron, who had a very forgettable Olympics. He should give his gold medal back, useless fucker.

Shit! That machine just chopped my thumb off! The glory of the break was that we have some players return. Giant Mexican CHicken will be back together. Pleks will play with two pairs of Tits. Markov plays too, but don't tell me he was 100% during the Olympics. No way. And he still isn't, despite what JM says. TFS gets the start instead of an undoubtedly tired Jaro. Squid and The Urologist are still out and neither has even started skating.

In the Executive Suite - let's have a little discussion about the playoff clusterfuck, shall we? It currently looks like this:

6. Philadelphia 60 GP, 67 points
7. Boston 60, 65
8. Montreal 63, 64
9. Tampa Bay 61, 63
10. NY Rangers 62, 63
11. Atlanta 60, 62

I don't like the look of it. Discussion over.

Post-8 hour shift adult entertainment - American Olympic hotties in the SI Swimsuit Issue. With all our focus on Canadian Olympic Hotties around here, we neglected the rest of the world. That's very un-Canadian. I'm happy to remedy it.

Remove the shackles of the evil corporate overlords in the comments

The Game Day Skate Presents some leftover Canadian Olympic Hotties of the Day

In order - Chanda Crawford, Jean-Philippe Le Guellec, and Megan Rauscher. We have no idea who they are anymore, but before we really forget them, let's uh, not forget them. We worked hard finding good pictures, they shouldn't go to waste, and we can't wait four years to post them.

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of a copyright lawsuit eliminating free porn on the internet...

• Detroit opens the stretch run with a win over the Avs, scare the rest of the NHL;
• It turns out 80% of Canada was watching the Canada-USA final. Our only question is what the other 20% were doing;
• Looks like The Goat and Pleks' agent have had discussions about his future. If The Goat has managed to change the Habs' ridiculous "we don't negotiate during the season" policy, already we love him;
• The Bulin Wall's DUI charge has been upgraded to EXTREME!!!!!
  
• About 30 hours until the trade deadline.
  

OK Bruins tonight. Back to work boys.

BRAVO STEPHEN BRUNT

BRAVO.

BARF

Alignement à l’entraînement

Attaquants

Pouliot - Gomez - Gionta
S. Kostitsyn - Plekanec - A. Kostitsyn
Moen - Moore - Lapierre
Darche - Metro - D'Agostini
Pyatt

Défenseurs

Markov - O'Byrne
Hamrlik - Spacek
Gill - Gorges
Mara

Gardiens

Price et Mayer

We go from one the most exhilarating moments in hockey history (my throat still hurts) to Glen fucking Metropolit.

That right there is an argument AGAINST NHLers in the Olympics, it makes the NHL feel completely irrelevant (ok, ok for a few weeks, then we’ll all be cheering Metro on from the edge of our seats).

I think I’ll trade the Habs’ playoff participation in 2010 for what I felt and experienced yesterday. I think I’m ok with that, amazingly enough.

The Morning Skate gets back to business for Monday, March 1st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being attacked by a giant beaver...

• One last time, GOLD MEDAL BITCHES!!!! Sid the Kid redeems 2 games worth of sucking with one flick of the wrist, Canada wins 3-2 in OT. Props to Toews and Weber who made the All-Star team, and deservedly so. Props also to Steve Rick Nash who in our opinion was our most consistent forward throughout. And even props to Pronger and Niedermayer for waking up in time for the final. Look forward to watching a bunch of college kids in 2014;
• One last mention of our non-medal winning yet outstanding cross-country skiing men, with Devon Kershaw just 1.6 seconds out of gold, ending up 5th in the 50k classic. We may have won a lot of golds in Vancouver, but I'll always remember the 4ths and 5ths of the cross-country skiers. I'm weird that way;
• Speaking of golds, Canada sets a record with 14 golds in a winter Olympics. Very well done everyone. But don't think for a second it erases our memories of all the chokage from the first week;
• Tom Pyatt gets called up from Hamilton. Wait, what?

Yes, that last bullet was to remind you we have to get back to the suckage now. Habs head to Beantown tomorrow and then it's off on a Cali road trip. Yawn.