Imagine the season opener in an alternative universe where things worked out a little differently. During an 8-game losing streak last March, the Habs sack Count Chokula and the Goat, immediately promoting Guy Boucher to the big club. His free-wheeling style turns the Habs around, and led by Price (thanks to Boucher's skills at communicating with young players), they go all the way to the Conference Finals. During the playoffs, the Molsons have secret backroom dealings with the most promising young GM around, one Stevie Yzerman, and sign him to a 3-year deal after he promises to become bilingual by 2015. In the off-season, Scott Gomez has his right hand mangled in an accident with a Cuisinart while preparing fajitas for a dinner party, losing his ability to grip a stick. His retirement frees up the cap space to swing a Vinny trade, re-sign Dominic Moore and sign backup goalie Dan Ellis after the Little Tits trade. They face the sad sack Lightning in their home opener with semi-nude starlets sitting in the stands. Habs win 6-1, and Tampa tumbles to the bottom of the league by November before they are relocated to Houston prior to the 2011-2012 season.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda happened. Alas, Stevie Y and Guy are working their magic down South, and the Tampa Habs are dangerous and predicted by most to make the playoffs. Welcome to the Habs home opener, in our universe.
Details, details - 7:30 P.M. start at the Bell, though I'm guessing actual puck drop around 8. Lightning won their season opener and the Habs are 1-1, in case you can't keep track of two games so far.
'stie calice - Vinny, Marty, now Simon Gagné and Guy Boucher. Think there will be motivation pour eux autres? J'ai peur.
Early season stats may or may not be misleading - Habs PK 100%, Habs PP 0%. Wherefore art thou Markov?
Please Hamr, hurt 'em - Hamr makes his return to the lineup, shoving Alex Picard to the pressbox. Allegedly he will be playing with Rhino though, not SpatCHes. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
It's a mitzvah - Your Habs goal-scoring leader is Squid, your points leader is Jeff Halpern. Mazel Tov to all!
Pre-game reading - Raw Charge is probably the leading Lightning blog, for whatever that's worth.
Post-game entertainment and adult entertainment - as the game draws to a close, don't forget to vote for the 3 stars, a new task assigned to YOU, the Habs fan this year. Take that task seriously! Vote for the backup goalie who cheered on his team admirably. After you've finished that, sit back and enjoy this video of Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive for 2010, Minka Kelly. I have no idea why I'm posting this, except I feel it's our duty at FHF to chronicle these very important awards that affect us all.
141 comments:
Will La FOUle start screaming Guy! Guy! Guy!?
Also, Houston? heh, methinks mini-maire and mini-commish
will get the bends over that suggestion.
Signs and symptoms seem à propos.
Bonus there's a hint in there to tonight's (in the comments) parody.
... and I'm back, Merci Minka.
FHFun FHFanatical FHFeast 29 and GG, what can I say except thanks and with that I am off to find a scalper for some behind the Tampa bench tics.
Louis LeBlanc was in town to play the Mooseheads on Friday night. He was likely overhyped, but he did not impress very much. Yes, I know that it is one game. He is big (for major junior), skates well and is a good playmaker (2 assists), but did not live up the the hype.
(@ The Maritimer - he must be going to Freddytown this week?)
Once again I know it was only one game, but Chiounard was really impressive. Except for the empty-netter he scored all four of the Junior's goals.
Sexiest Woman Alive? Minka Kelly isn't even the sexiest woman on her own tv show.
Really? Dan Ellis is in our fantasy Guy Boucher scenario? This is most likely the only time anyone has ever used "Dan Ellis" and "fantasy" in the same sentence.
@kc - I'll grant you that, but he's better than Alex Auld.
maybe fantasy is too strong a word. all my fantasies have ALL the women of Friday Night Lights in them, and there's only one in this post
Even in your wildest fantasies Price can't get a shutout. That's wheak (wv).
Minka ...what kind of a name is that. Sounds like a bad Russian car.
@HF29: Sad, but true. At least he's not Vesa Toskala, Andrew Raycroft or Dan Cloutier.
@Chester: I actually keep getting Minka Kelly confused with some uber busty Asian pornstar also named Minka.
@Habs 10 yes Minka would be Chocula choice, my last choice for top 6 would be Grace Park, and Minka would not be drafted.
I learned today the Mex gets $8 million tomals a year, thats like half a million a point. Send him to Hamilton and use the cap space to get a real puck man.
I am afraid for Habs tonite, very afraid, tits and mex have to play like their is a AHL ticket waiting, yes they can play with Finger.
@soperman, unfortunately, I missed the great Louis Leblanc, he was in Saint John to play the Sea Dogs last Sunday afternoon and I was out of town that day. Why do you think he would be going to Fredericton? Only hockey they got is CIS university stuff. Anyway, the Juniors got spanked 5-2, although I read that LL scored a goal.
wv = I hope the Habs have "shoteded" many pucks at Dan Ellis or whoever after tonight.
Is FHF the Glee club?
just last night LG77, orangeman and I were doing our rendition of Don't Stop Believing
I'm telling you Wysh has some sort of weird obsession with TFS. NTTAWWT
@29, "Don't Stop Believing"
Avec ou sans spandex?
~~~
Wysh has an obsession with fluffy leaf articles.
beverage for the evening:
shot of glee with caustic soda.
wv: I want TFS to perform so well that it will make my eyes mistsy
@moeman: I didn't realize Don't Stop Believing could be performed without spandex. I should I say I didn't want to realize it.
I was worried that my class tonight doesn't end till 815. Then I realized it's the home opener, so I'll tune in sometime between Cirque du Soliel and the Pope's message from the Vatican. As long as I don't miss the video tribute to the skate sharpeners with Australians joining hands across their continent to form a giant ice skate, I'll be fine.
Don't Stop BouCHer'in'
Just a small town boy
Livin' in a lonely hockey world
He took the Stevie Y. train goin' nowhere
Just a city gars
Born and raised in La Belle Province
He took the first fucking train leavin' Steel Town
A stinker at the C O T U
Smell of whine and CHeap gloom & doom
For a smile TFS™ can share tonight
If not the boos go on and on and on and on
FH F Ers spandexin'
Up and down the bloguevard
Their fingers tapping in the night
Pants! light people
Living just to find Minka
Hiding somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my song bill
Everybody here wants a Habs thrill
Payin' anything to roll three stars the first time
Habs will win, Bolts will lose
BR was born to sing the bleus
Oh, RDS' Film Noir never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
FH F Ers sub mitting
Word Verifs on the blogger tard
Their fingers iFapping in the night
Pants! tight people
Living just to find CHicken
Hiding somewhere on the ice
Don't stop bouCHer'in'
Hold on to that feelin'
Up with starlets behind da benCH!
Don't stop bouCHer'in'
Hold on
Go do some J.T.in'
Don't stop bouCHer'in'
Hold on to CoaCH Martin'
Fuckin' right people
G Y F H !
Amazing moeman. These posts floor me every time.
Gleefully caustic? Really?
wv: state
boy we picked the right guy to be the sixth four habs fan. killer as always moe
that JT post puts me to shame
Thx ezz. I was gonna drop some Radiohead riff until the image of 29, lg77 and o-man in spandex filled my noggin'.
Merci 29, happy to be a Top 6 FHForward.
J.T.puts most of the MSMers to shame. She is that good!
are the pre-game ceremonies over yet?
/just warming up
Stevie Y gives good interview. needs to look at the camera more tho
@moe & 29: Awww, man! You guys make a blogger feel so good...the only thing that could ruin it for me tonight is a Price stinker. Or a bunch of dumbass penalties that cost goals. Or RDS creaming themselves over ALL THE FRENCH GUYS!!!!
Bienvenue J.T. you deserve the kudos. Now get workin' on the period by period analysis and smack down some similes.
~~~
Speaking of smackdowns, joel bouchard, go fuck yourself you ignorant fuck. Captain Gionta is a BIGGER man you'll ever be. Too bad for you, now that CoaCH Demers is gone to Harper heaven, all you have is your fcking hair.
Fantastic parody, moe! That song NEVER gets old.
Why do I gag everytime I hear the words "french connection" in reference to TB? Every. Fucking. Time.
GYFHG!!!
the athletic staff intros always bring a tear to my eye
Here. Come. Our. Boys!!!
PK rules
that was uh, interesting.
The Circle of Habs. I liked it. Bien fait Monsieur Gionta.
Bonus, gotta love syllables.
hey 7:49ish start! not bad, marketing department. GYFH
At least it was quick. If we were the Leafs, they'd still be raising our "Eastern Conference Championships: 1st Runners-Up" banner.
Laperrière!
Our very own french connection!
Max! at home 'stie!
@The Gate, bonus, no fucking fake lake and their lame wannabe Canada's Team song.
Super slow motion, eh? Nice to see the deep playoff run funds being put to use.
On the Cercle du Canadiens intro, Squid looked positively verklempt, USSGill CHoked up, Halpern needs to CHew it later, Mex wasn't perpleXXed but Max was when Gio flubbed his nom. Still, the CH marketing kidz raise the bar for the asswipes in Toronto.
Esther is gonna lose it, another O'B OTG penalty.
Uh oh - hope the 100% PK keeps up...
I'd like to thank Arahova's on St. Catherine's for letting me see that goal. I'd also like to thank them for their delicious gyros.
Squid is becoming a goon on the side
O-man, thx for the Arahova's ref. I need some good lunCH tomorrow and a gyro will be just the thing.
The flying Frenchmen vs the wandering Jews. Go Heebs go!
Orangeman, I'm envious now. A lot. Please tell me you're smothering the whole thing in tzatziki. Arahova makes the best tzatziki this side of the Ionian Sea.
PleXXXe has swagger!
SuperPleXXXe!
PleXXXe!
Beer me ReeRee.
Was that the first ever three-way beer me at FHF?
Is there an echo in here?
I'm glad I could provide foodie fantasies for so many of you.
Price is making me a believer. Georges was dangerously close to giving away a penalty shot there.
Cheers, moe!
Dave Morrisette is such a jerk in those AntiCHambre ads. Seriously, who does that.
wv: looks like the Bolts could use some helupers tonight...
Habs winning, great food, hockey AT NIGHT, about to crack a beer. I would say I'm in heaven except the only online feed I can find is the "Sunshine" network from Tampa, although the Florida angle suggests I died an elderly Jew.
Sorry, "SunLightning" network, a branch of Fox apparently. Sunlightning. That's kind of awesome and ridiculous at the same time.
Morissette is a jerk in general. And oh, so obnoxious.
My 1st period STAR goes to J.T.'s 'French Fried Edition' update, chock full of similes I really like, proper insight and hilarity to boot. I'll tell ya, she ain't no CHucklehead.
I started the day watching the first miner coming up and hugging his family, and I'd love to end it with a win here tonight. One is more important than the other, obviously. But still...I wish the best for those miners.
KIDDING! 31 up by my last count. Maybe I should visit Chile for my next trip.
If Morissette's name is David Morris, he ain't on the TeeVee.
TFZeus™ stops all 18 SOGs from da Bolts.
Squid is killing me.
Cammy is not doin' it rite.
Ugh. Squid...
ack
@Orangeman
RDS feed pour vous.
Thanks Yannick. This link wasn't working for me earlier. This is what FHF is all about, Habs fans helping out Habs fans. Also, softcore porn.
Don't forget the meth.
and the ice cream
wait, what?
The miners have all been rescued, FYI.
and tere was Demers in the stand.
as if we desperateky felt the need to see him. and ow they talk of nothing else.
dieu nou sgarde des quebeckers
can somebody tell me why Bouchard feels it's necessary to do a McGuire imitation by standing near the spare visiting goalies?
what does it add to journalism (I was going to say serious journalism but realized there is no such thing in hockey)
@bea,
Apparantly that's his permanent spot now. McSlooge's nose will be out of joint.
McSlooge? I've only had one glass of wine, better drink more.
@bea, joel wants his hair on air. Luckily for Habs fans he doesn't splooge all over the younger players and give them cute nicknames that end in 'y'.
@Moey, how big is that glass?
Ugh. St. Lapierre is doing a good job of maintaining his league-wide reputation as a dirty, wussy player.
joel; "on parle beaucoup du Lightning "
No. Fucking. Kidding.
Be still my heart.
Go Carey.
si je suis ke coach of les canadiens de montreal
is there another canadien team anywhere outside of the one in `montreal?
is bouchard paid by the number of word said? or is that mcSplooge (@ Moey mcslooge cracked me up) spot rubbing off?
WV Moey had some firros from Aharova with her wine tonite
Did anyone else see PK trashtalking at the end of the period? Who was that? And odds on them going at it in the 3rd?
@ezzeloharr
I hope not, looked like Malone. Doesn't sound like much of a fair fight.
joel; "notre ami Spacek'
The CH pays RDS how muCH for the exclusive broadcasting contract/rights?
...
Heaven is near(er).
@bea,
mmmm, Arahova. Now I have a craving.
joel; "les gens qui critiquent Price" ( blaming fans )
Look in the mirror RDS asswipes.
@Moe
those cupcakes !!!!
if you bake them, you can come over anytime
(I believe I have propositioned you in the past but I feel it needs repeating)
WV FHF are the#1 blegur of the bleu blanc rouge
moeman, those look AMAZING. If only I knew how to cook. XD
They LOOK delish don't they? Imagine that sweet little swirl of nipplish icing, a tender CHomp in the luscious firm cake and then, there, right fucking, there, creamy custard.
@moe,
Delish. Now I want Arahova and cupcakes.
free Arahova and cupcakes if we get to 200 comments*
*children under 12 only
Sigh... Food does crazy things to a poor starving university student.
Also, please tell me we aren't going to spend the whole period sitting on this lead, CHocula.
those cupcakes are better than the fridge scene between Rourke and Basinger.
@HF29
I'm assuming your talking mental age ... which means pretty much every poster here
@29 I could provide a line around the block of exes that would testify that I am pretty much a 12 year old.
@bea, mental, sCHmental, I need cream, pie, (B-sized)cupcakes.
FUCK
*bursts into tears*
Ugh. Brutal giveaway by CHicken.
that goal was pretty much scored by Spatches.
he is playng like SHIT
TITS!
TITS!!!!!
*pops champagne*
AK47!!! SuperPleXXXe!
wow you're kidding
atill drying my tears and now more of joy
Sweet. Sausage. PleXXXian. Pass.
Frak! My feed disappeared for that goal. The positive side is, there was a goal!
I can taste the creamy 200th custardy cupcakian comment.
Is it my imagination or...OH MY GOD PLEK! BIG WHO?? WHA...?
MAKE EDDIE MUNSTER STOP TALKING!
joel; re Squid, "ce gars là".
joel, your pure wool is showing.
Cup parade at the C O T U.
pens lost again.
TO have now won 3 n a row.
who'd believe?
Was I the only one hoping for a Mike Smith/CHicken collision?
price is outstanding.
let's be fair
nail chewing 5 min to go.
heart attack time
great. Coach Martin has an undisciplined team
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
THAT was a penalty? Maybe I'm just a fanboy.
What a nightmare scenario.
FUCK
I'm moving to finger swallowing now
oh crap
FUCK FUCK FUCK
BULLSHIT.
Wow, having flashbacks of last year's playoff's reffing.
Aye. Yi. Yi.
They tied it up and yet, Boucher is still losing his mind on the bench.
well we got a point?
someday i'd like to see spatCHes score from the point like he's supposed to. at least he'd be worth something
I HATE THIS.
not even meth cupcake can fix this.
I hate these measly one point
PFK just took a year of Chocula's life. At least.
meh
I really need a cupcake right now.
Habs beat themselves.
Don't stop believin'.
Haha. Dead feed from the AntiCHambre.
ANYONE who blames Carey for this loss is a fucking tard. Blame the bullshit non call at the end of the third. Horseshit.
To add to it all, my feed died and I have no idea what happened. They lost, I gather? Sorry, that was a BS finish to the 3rd.
What a disgrace. Price deserved better. to make matters worse, Leafs beat the Pens.
No one's blaming Price. Let's all move on, shall we.
tata all
I'm goign to go sulk now
with loads of alcohol
CAFOUIFUCKINGLLAGE
And I think Price just stabbed Halpern at the end with his eyes.
Some bad bounces and iffy calls/non calls, but in the end, I'd have to lay this one on PFK. Not really putting him at fault - just wrong place, wrong time, bad bounces, etc.
Price was fabulous. Wow, fabulous IS a gay word. NTTIAWWT
blerrggggh
That's how I feel after putting up with FSN and their mispronunciation of everyone's names and their lack of a penalty clock: FOR THAT?
I'm bummed.
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