Monday, February 04, 2008

A Tale of Two Cities: Habs Have Best and Worst of (New York) Times

The Canadiens did their usual Super Bowl weekend thing, messing up our posting schedule, our sleep patterns, and their own rhythm, so here's a totally mixed up, totally messy plan-the-parade-the-sky-is-falling post-not-so-Super-weekend review.

Oh, and one more thing: Fuck Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr. (More on that later).

Plan the Parade ... no wait, the Sky is Falling: The win against the Isles on Saturday was a ton of fun. Kovy at his dazzling best, Huet playing very well, glorious passing plays, a clicking power play, Doom smashing blue and orange jerseys all over the ice. A sampling of the goodness: The bang-bang backdoor pass on the power play for Streit's goal; Turtleplek's shorthanded laser over Rick "Thanks to Mike Milbury, Isles fans have me for 14 more years instead of Roberto Luongo, Olli Jokinen AND Dany Heatley" DiPietro's shoulder, Huet's mad dash to the blueline to tip a puck away, Streit's pass to El Dandy for the final goal. Lovely. The only real bad? Breezer's horrible giveaway that lead to the Isles only goal. Who let him out of the trunk, anyway? All in all, a Parade Planning kind of day. Sunday started off much the same ... a great game to watch (both the Rangers and Habs flying around the rink, and laying out some hits for good measure) got better when Markov snuck a wrist shot past Lundqvist. A great pass from Higgins was one-timed in by a fired up Kovy and the Habs were off to the races. Little Tits showed that Big Tits isn't the only Kostitsyn with shootout/breakaway skills when he made it 3-0. Ottawa is in our sights! Let's take the Eastern Conference! Plan the Para ... hey, is that the roof caving in?

Why yes, yes it is the roof caving in! Rangers power play ... goal. 24 seconds later, Kovy channels his inner-Breezer ... goal. Rangers start pouring it on ... goal. All in the second half of the second period. Frankly, with the Habs running around, Huet standing still, and the Rangers having sucked the life out of the Bell Centre, the two third period Ranger goals were as expected as a Patriots victory later in the day. If the Habs make the playoffs, pray to Guy that they don't draw the Rangers in round one, because the Blueshirts give this team fits. They can skate, they can score, they have an excellent goalie and they have a number of players skirting the line between tough guy and cheap-shot artist. Which brings us to:

Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr are a pair of jackass miscreants: First, a disclaimer for any Rangers fans who will read this, totally miss any salient points, and focus only on what they perceive are SLANDEROUS, ILL-INFORMED, YOU SUCK-RANGERS RULE-HOW MANY CUPS HAVE YOU WON SINCE 1994-CHEATING FRENCH BASTARDS-50 MILE RULE slights against their franchise. I saw the Kovalev elbow. It was blatant, it was a cheap-shot, it could warrant a suspension. What Kovalev did was stupid and inexcusable and definitely a penalty. Of course, what Ryan Hollweg did makes him look like the absolute chickenshit asshole he really is. After getting cheapshotted, Hollweg went back to the bench, thought about it, and on his next shift he ran the Canadiens youngest, slightest player headfirst into the boards. Seriously, Hollweg? You get your bell rung by Kovalev and then take a run at Sergei Kostitsyn, the smallest, easiest prey on the ice? And after you do it, and Josh Gorges tries to make you answer for it, you turtle and drop to your knees faster than Paris Hilton in a niteclub bathroom? No goddamn wonder Chris Simon tried to take your head off.

And you, Mr. Colton Orr. Your chickenshit teammate just ran someone into the boards, turtled until the linesman saved him from JOSH GORGES (no offense, Josh ... we love how hard you've worked this year, and how you stepped up to the plate in defence of Little Tits, but you're no Butch Bouchard), a scrum breaks out and you decide to dance with ... Frankie Bouillon? Last time I checked, Frankie B comes up to the "G" in Rangers on your jersey. Maybe you held back, didn't throw em with as much fury as you would against another heavyweight, but you didn't wait for Begin or Greek Lightning or Komisarek (and there was plenty of time left to meet one of them in a corner, Colton) you fought with 5-8 (in skates) Frankie Bouillon. I know the Habs don't carry a traditional goon like you on the roster, but cmon. What, you couldn't get a hold of Koivu? That sequence was a microcosm of how useless your services are. Enjoy your seat in the pressbox in the playoffs when actual hockey players decide everything, lunkhead.

Chez Paree Bound? For four periods this weekend, everybody but Breezer was going. There were moments when I dared to dream about a very impressive playoff run. From midway through the second on Sunday until the end, this team looked like also-rans. Taking the two games as one mashed together New York-a-thon, the final verdict is no one gets in. The last half vs the Rangers was that awful.

Next Evil, Evil Foe: The suddenly reeling and within striking distance Sens on Tuesday. Five For Smiting is drinking heavily already.


PPP said...

Shouldn't it be Jason Spezza and Chara instead of Dany Heatley?

That game had a surprising amount of animosity from the Kovalev elbow to Hollwegg's audition for a spot on the Flyers' roster. What was said in the warm-up?

Habsfan10 said...

Milbury traded Luongo and Jokinen to Florida, then picked DiPietro number 1 over Heatley and Marian Gaborik. The Spezza/Chara thing was another Mad Mike braincramp.

HabsFan29 said...

drop to your knees faster than Paris Hilton in a niteclub bathroom

Easy, yet brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Fuck you Canada. All canadians r fucking retards. USA rules hockey!!!!!!111111 go rangers

HabsFan29 said...

such intelligent discourse from our friends in the States. thanks for dropping by anonymous!

Habsfan10 said...

Man, I love Rangers fans. Or whomever just parodied Rangers fans.


Ye. I got a "You drive on the wrong side of the road ! Go back to yar fakin cantry !"

The guy actually got aknowledgment from his fellow rangers fans.

Gotta love'em

Anonymous said...


expansion to Las Vegas and Kansas City


Jacksonville Canadiens
Houston Oilers
Portland Canucks
New Orleans Maple Leafs
Oklahoma City Flames
Birgmingham Senators

Habsfan10 said...

Wait, did the NHL announce plans for 8 additional half-empty rinks that I'm not aware of? At least the first anonymous made some sense.

panger76 said...

Bring on the New Orleans Maple Leafs. Seems appropriate given the Leafs' current situation - tragic circumstances (i.e. natural disaster/missing the playoffs again) with a leader without a clue (insert Bush/Peddie/JFJ jr/Fletcher joke here).

(And for you all who take things too seriously, I am not really comparing the suffering of New Orleans residents with Leafs fans. Hurricane Katrina lasted a few days; Leafs Suck forever.)

HabsFan29 said...

Zing panger!


wow Panger, that was epic.

fezworth said...

I didn't know there was a city in the US called Birgmingham. What an odd name.

Baroque said...

Just don't lump ME in with the ignorant Americans. 300-blasted-million of us - and all too many from the shallow end of the gene pool. Somehow the knuckle-dragging troglodytes manage to type, although correcting errors is tricky - somehow the white-out on the computer screen doesn't work the same way it does on paper.

Yeah, they gagged away a 3-0 lead, but for some reason I can't see this carrying over. Montreal seems to confine their crappiness pretty well and not let it bleed over in a long losing streak - like the Senators have done this year.

But that's okay - Ian Mendes figures it's just a symptom of Stanley Cup hangover (which they didn't win last year) and they can beat the good teams, like Detroit (on the back end of a back-to-back) and it's only the lesser teams that they lose to (like maybe a first-round playoff matchup).

But nothing to worry about in Ottawa at all. :)

Loser Domi said...

I second what baroque said. I say we move the Leafs further south, to Mexico City, and rename them the Chupracabras. AS long as I'm making shit up, I'ma go hog wild!

Shmee said...

I really enjoyed your rant about Orr and Hollweg. I distinctly remember them dodging Brash a few times when the Caps and Rangers met, and then Orr going down quicker then a puckbunny's panties once Brash got a hold of him.

habslove said...

Your review basically sums up everything I thought but you made it sound so much better.

Habsfan10 said...

"going down quicker then a puckbunny's panties"

That's good. I gotta steal that.