This is a Sheldon Souray Post We Swear

Any chance to post an Angelica Bridges photo...

Thanks to Anonymous* for pointing out to us that TSN is reporting that Sheldon Souray is out indefinitely. This was only supposed to be 3-4 weeks, now he's out for a while. I would guess the new year at the earliest. Weird, because shoulder injuries are usually not that bad. Too much work in the sack maybe? That's a good way to get injured I'll tell ya.

Mmmm that's good schadenfreude.

*Now dubbed HabFanatic. Nice name.

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview - Roman Hamrlik

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

The tits – Last year, +22. Let's begin there. He's here to replace Sheldon Souray. He's even chosen Shelly's no.44 which is like having the new guy who's sleeping with your mom right after the divorce tell you to take the trash out in the morning whereas your dad, who's been on the bottle since your mom left him for this douchebag, would let you play violent Xbox games while you were eating your breakfast cereal. He's a very good D. He's not great (Phaneuf, Pronger, Niedermayer), and never will be, but he is very good. He's got offensive flair, he's solid on the back check, he hits hard, he shoots hard and he's 33, prime age for a blueliner. He never gives up because he's 2 Legit to Quit.

The cellulite – He was born in Gottwaldow, which means to masturbate in Czech (I Gottwaldov last night before going to bed). He's the beneficiary of the most lucrative contract ever afforded to a Montreal Canadien. Yowzer. That falls into the Say What? (in a Samuel L. Jackson voice) category in Montreal Canadiens history where you'll come across other notable factoids such as Andrei Kovalenko scoring the last goal at the Montreal Forum (I want to French kiss a bag of razor blades) and Sergei Berezin scoring the Habs' 10 000th goal at home. Also, he gaffes in his own end like any very good not truly great defenseman.

The armpit hair – He's banging your mom. He replaces flash on the blue line the likes of which this team has NEVER seen. Those Sheldon St-Laurent cannons were not traceable on the replay dammit! Shit, I'd even slow the replay down on the PVR and still wouldn't manage to see the puck! Hamrlik will not score 26 goals, he will not set an NHL record for most goals on the PP for a defenseman and he will not make love to the majority of the female contingency in Montreal on an off night at Globe.

In the VIP Room – He has played on so many bad teams over the course of his career that it's hard to assess if Hamr (after a few seasons he dropped the MC) was really overhyped in going no.1 overall in the 1992 draft. What would have become of him had he played on a contender right of the bat? I guess my answer to that is that a special player after a while makes a mediocre team a contender. While he improved significantly in the +/- department after having left them dark years in Tampa Bay behind he still never proved to be the no.1 defenseman that anchors your team, who you turn to for leadership and consistent play and who brings an organiztion over the top. Stop! Hamr time! However, he does bring versatility to the Habs blue line...and he won't stink up the Bell Centre with brain fartage Sheldon will always be prone to.

Chez Parée bound? - With the no.44 jersey on his back so that he can fool the girls in the booth who may not have heard that Shelly left town. But I suspect they will learn the Hamr Lik pretty soon.

8 lap dances (out of 10). – He should combine nicely with Markov on the power play. He 's got everything to be excellent but has played under the weight of having been drafted no.1 and has not lived up to expectations. Now he plays in the shadow cast by Souray's departure. This is Montreal, Expectationsville. Play, or be deported.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF29 - Yes, but can he play effectively in a pair of parachute pants?

HF10 - He may not offer the same menace from the point on the powerplay as big Sheldon, but in a one-for-one trade, he may be better at everything else hockey related. He was a top four guy on a damn good defence in Calgary, and averages 35-40 points a year. Good enough for me.

Panger - While Hamrlik ostensibly was part of Calgary’s Big 4, he was in fact the whipping boy for most of the 05/06 season – although not quite as much last year. When Montreal signed him Flames GM Sutter basically said ‘you can have him at that price’. While the feeling is the Habs overpay him, MC Hamrlik seems to be a victim of going 1st overall, with all the ensuing pressure to be a Scott Niedermayer-like superstar, and a steady two way game just doesn’t cut it. Plus, he tutored Dion Phaneuf for his first couple of seasons to positive reviews (from Phaneuf at least), so if he does the same for, say, Ryan O’Byrne that would be another bonus. And something certainly I would not have wanted to see Souray do (“So when the guy dekes left, just lung at him and hope for the best.”)

A Sentence in Edmonton

OK so maybe I am carrying a grudge.

Maybe I'm a little confused as to how Kevin Lowe Obi-Waned Sheldon St-Laurent into the chasm of boredom that is the city of Edmonton. Maybe I'm a bit stumped that Baywatch went West Edmonton Mall over anything else this 30 team mosaic of choices has to offer.

Maybe my thoughts have dissolved into mangled confusion over the reality that a small marbles team like the Edmonton Oilers can have the adverse effect on the market that almost left them for dead in the first place in the baroque years (pre-lockout, of course).

Whatever the case, in an off-season so dull that I would chose to watch a documentary about skin disorders affecting armadillos over anything hockey related, Kevin Lowe has, for the least, kept my summer hockey pulse beating the faint sounds of ambivalence. He's been the headline grabber all summer.

The Oilers are the team that went from getting screwed, to screwing back, to not getting what they wanted, then getting what they wanted, to screwing back, and finally to getting what they wanted so there.

In hockey terms, the last sentence translates to Nylander, Vanek, Regier, Souray, Penner, Burke and back to Penner. And in between, the Oilers have managed to conjure up more reaction from the league than any other team. Go figure, Little Edmonton, Disturber of Shit.

This long sentence commands some attention.

Nylander - Getting Screwed

At first the Oilers announced that forward Michael Nylander had signed with the team, and were therefore shocked to learn that he agreed to a US$19.5-million, four-year contract with the Capitals the next day.

This was Lowe's first inflationary penchant of the summer. Nylander did have a career season setting career highs in goals (26), assists (57) and points (83) with the New York Rangers last season. But one can't discount the Jaromir Jagr factor. In short, if I'm painting a sky with my crayola crayons and Pablo Picasso happens to drop in for a few pointers, well let's just say I wont be tucking a quarter sun in the upper right corner of my canvass anymore.

But Lowe is aware that the team is short on offensive prowess and that he needs to save face with the fans after the Ryan Smyth, "no, I won't throw in a bag of Doritos you for" debacle. Smyth goes to Colorado while he could have remained the Oiler poster boy for years, for far less than what he wound up signing for in Denver.

The team sent Nylander's agent, Mike Gillis, the NHL Standard Players Contract and waited for the formality, that is, the signed agreement. Shaft ensues. Camp Le Screw publicly announced that Nylander had subsequently entered into a long-term contract with the Capitals.

A dismayed Oilers team warned of legal repercussions:

“The Oilers can find no precedent for such conduct in our history. The Oilers are examining and pursuing every course of action available in the best interest of the team and our fans." That was the official word out of Edmonton while backstage the team must have been resigned to the fact that it was going to be impossible to get Nylander back. Besides, this was no way to inaugurate a player-management relationship.

Although Kevin Lowe has surely instructed team lawyers to seek out all legal routes available, the hockey branch of this equation is a dead issue.

As the dust settled (and it had to quickly amidst the UFA signing frenzy) Lowe was armed with a new tool: a sense of entitlement. And so began Mission OK, now I'm pissed.

Vanek - Screwing Back

Lowe set his sights on a move that would put a GM on the fence. He needed to target RFAs, who de facto are young and mostly unproven talents. The gamble required here is to make a kid who has shown significant promise an offer bordering on insanity. It has to be a hefty one and because of the cap restrictions it may only be so if it is a long term offer. Like 7 years long, like 7 years and 50 million ways to say I love you.

Lowe preyed on the Buffalo Buffaloes (I'm sorry, if the focal point of your uniform is a Buffalo, then you play for the Buffaloes - and until the Sabre on the crest appears a tad larger than a hamster foetus' penis, I will refuse to call them the Sabres).

Darcy - Not Getting What They Wanted

Lowe went after the right player, but he stalked the wrong man at the helm of the wrong team. Since Dany Briere and Chris Drury pulled the old Sayonara Choochoo on Darcy, the GM was left with very little wiggle room in his decision to keep Vanek and a ton of cap room to effectuate the reverse Go Screw Yourself on Lowe. He should have known better. I guess the plethora of lawyers counseling the Oilers were too busy trying to pull a rabbit out their asses with the Nylander situation to stop Lowe from jacking up the market value for every sophomore in the NHL. How soon they forget.

Bad moves dot com. Kevin. Bad moves dot com. Look it up.

Sheldon St-Laurent - Getting What They Wanted

This falls into the Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?! category. Are you totally shitting me!! OK, that's enough.

Penner - Screwing Back

The Vanek move redux. This time, Lowe learns from mistakes from days before (and maybe one lawyer stopped milking the Nylander file to guide Lowe in the right direction). He angles in on a team that is so cap tight that it becomes mathematically impossible for them to match the offer without shedding a body, and a Stanley Cup winning body at that. Brilliant move for some. One of asswipic proportions for others.

Burke - Getting What They Wanted, So There

Rumor has it that Burke knew of this move in advance and actually approved it because it would force management in Anaheim into making a decision about the unsigned Penner. If that's true, Burkie pulled off a great acting job, which isn't totally impossible considering his proximity to Hollywood.

Duck management (that sounds funny) decided against the match, making Penner an Oiler in the process. For 21 million over 5 years. The money Lowe refused to give to Smyth, which in retrospect was a bargain, he gave to Penner. And through it all, he catapulted the RFA offer sheet out of irrelevance.

The impact on the NHL

The rule of precedent bows to the art of distinguishing. GMs can subtract Lowe's move out of the equation by agreeing that the signing which results form a third party offer sheet presented to an RFA may not be used as a comparable. This segregation would minimize the eruptive effect on player salaries that Lowe's antics have yielded.

However, escalating salaries aside, if the purpose is to land the player, then Lowe orchestrated the right sequence of events. He showed that it works, and for a talent hungry team, it's food for fodder.

Lowe played by the rules. Fair enough. But in so doing, he rejected the notion that the lockout meant something to small market teams. He trivialized the wiping out of an entire season. He turned. Once at the head of a team at risk, Lowe allows for clouds to gather in the distance and slowly hover over a league that may again be haunted by the spectre of a devastating shutdown as the life of the current CBA eventually draws to a close.

But upon further reflection, what really matters throughout all of this is that not since Ishtar has anyone overpaid this much for a Dustin.

Souray moves to West End (of country)

So what seems like the longest free agency period ever has finally ended for the Canadiens former Mr Big Shot, Sheldon Souray. After all the "he's not coming back, his wife wants him in LA or Anaheim, he's definitely going to the West Coast, LA is a done deal, the Habs signed Hamrlik, now he's definitely not coming back, buy your Souray Kings jerseys now!" chatter, Sheldon has indeed gone west. To Edmonton.

A guy making that much money couldn't afford a direct flight from Montreal to LA? Oh, he has family there ... so he's just visiting for the summer? Wait, what? He signed there? I see.

So there's a bunch of ways to look at this. One might be tempted to pull the old "see, nobody wants to play in front of those hatchet men in the Montreal media ... they'd rather go to goddamn Edmonton than face that ... Edmonton, the team that threw money at everyone and couldn't get any interest until they tried to pay Tomas Vanek the GDP of Bolivia." One might be tempted to say "look at the friggin' money they gave him ... it's not the GDP of Bolivia, but it's close. Of course he went." You might be a big softy and say "oh, he wants to play near his family like any good Western boy. That's lovely." And you know what? You might all be right.

Playing in Montreal isn't easy. The fans are demanding, the media can be a little too enthusiastic, there's apparently a language thing I keep hearing about. There is talk of ghosts and Stanley Cups as a birthright, and guys like Jean Beliveau and Guy Lafleur are walking the halls at the Bell Centre. There aren't many more pressure packed sporting environments in North America. That's a fact. And while it must be a fascinating experience there's no doubt it could wear on a man. Sheldon has been here for seven years. Maybe it was time for a break.

That is a lot of money for a 30-something defenseman with some (ahem) "defensive issues" and a reconstructed wrist. By all accounts, the Habs made a solid offer, but Sheldon's looking at his last big payday. He did what most people would do and took the highest-paying offer from a decent employer in his field. Good for him.

Family and home counts for some guys. Sheldon probably grew up an Oilers fan, and he'll probably get a big thrill out of pulling on that jersey and stepping out on the ice that Gretzky, Messier, Kurri and Coffey made famous. Don't forget, the Oil ain't exactly slouches in the "wildly successful dynasty" competition.

Still, you wonder how bad Sheldon wants to win. While the Habs aren't world-beaters at the moment, there are a bunch of promising kids, soon-to-be stars like Higgins and Price, and solid to spectacular talents like Kovy and Saku and Markov for the next five years. And while the Canadiens are going to have to live with Oilers2.1 in Pittsburgh, the Sens, the big spenders in NY and Philly and the like, I don't see the Oilers as having an easier path past the Ducks, Wings, Avalanche, Sharks, and Flames over the next few years. Just throwing it out there.

I for one wish Sheldon all the best. He won me over the first time my dad pointed out he didn't play like he was on peyote (like the big, mega-talent-mega-head-case Russian he got traded for ... God, I loved watching Vlad play when he was on. When he was off ... yeeesh.) He played hard, scored some timely bombs, stuck a dagger in the Leafs with that beauty shootout goal, was immense in the upset of the Bruins a few years back. I hope he gets a huge ovation when the Oilers next visit Montreal (which, judging by the NHL's scheduling genius, will be as an assistant coach in 2017). He didn't leave on bad terms, he didn't go to a hated rival. He just went. That's fine. I just hope the lucky guys blogging for the Oil appreciate Mrs Souray like we did.

The Morning Skate for Friday, July 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Jason in a hockey mask. He just wanted to be loved, people...

• Souray to Edmonton. Scroll down to the next post to say goodbye to Angelica Bridges;
• Mickey Ribs is staying in Dallas. K that's still far enough away from Montreal to make me not be nauseous.

So we'll do more Souray digesting around here I'm sure. And I'm off to Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. Should be fun!

Mrs. Souray's Last Goodbye

Well it's oficially over. Angelica Bridges is gone, taking her husband Sheldon with her. TO EDMONTON. Edmonton!?!? To quote Simmons, I don't even have a joke here. 27 mill over 5 years.

We'll digest this in the morning.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, July 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Habs playing in the second round of the playoffs. Man our expectations have been lowered...

• The author of The MS is on vacation and thus The MS will be a little late this week, or not posted at all, depending on the hangover level;
• You've time-travelled back to 1996. Scroll down to the next post if you don't believe me;
• Apparently, Souray refused a four-year, $22 million offer from the Habs. Insert Mrs. Souray or child support joke here;
• Nylander to the Caps, Lang to the Hawks, Handzus to the Kings, Bertuzzi to the Ducks. We're getting down to the dregs now for the Habs.

Alrighty we're still waiting for Bob to find some scoring. Check back for all the FHF snark when we decide Pierre Turgeon is the anwer to all our problems.

Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Souray, Montreal Will Miss You

A kind reader sent along this video in response to our Angelica Bridges post on Wednesday. As you know by now, she's the wife / ex-wife / estranged wife / reconciled wife (seriously which is it?) of soon-to-be L.A. King Sheldon Souray. Apparently she is a singer as well as an actress/model (multi-talented!), and this is her pop group, Strawberry Blonde. Heh.

While there is no nudity per se (FHF has a no nudity policy, who knew?), there are definitely plenty of NSFW moments for the boys on a Friday afternoon. Goodbye, Sheldon and Angelica. Your surgically-repaired wrist firing cannons from the point and hot bod, respectively, will be missed.

Not Much Time Left To Post This Picture

So much talk around here about Sheldon Souray, so not enough talk about his hot wife / ex-wife / estranged wife, whatever. Anyway you slice it, she's hot.

Obviously she is the one second from the left. If you don't know, she is Angelica Bridges, and her IMDB profile is pretty D-list. But screw it, she's hot and was on Baywatch. And she's sort of married to a Hab, for a few days at least. Here's her official site. Rowr.

This picture won't make any sense when Sheldon signs with L.A. on Sunday, so I wanted to get it up now. I know there are three other hot hockey wives in the photo, but I wanted to focus on the estranged Mrs. Souray, because Panger loves the redheads.

We'll get to the others in the future. For some reason, I feel the FHF will be posting about HHWs (Hot Hockey Wives) a lot. Call me Kresgin.

Bye Bye Sheldon

If there was any question whether "Boomer" Souray would return to the Habs fold despite the allure of joining his smoking hot wife (are they divorced or not?) and little children in Cali, was answered when Kimo Timonen (or Kimo-Timo to his friends) pulled out pictures of Paul Holmgren drunk in the company of several strippers and blackmailed the Flyers for $6.3/year for 6 (!) years.

OK, I have no evidence for blackmail, but $6.3 (!) over 6 years?? That puts Souray's ballpark at $6M minimum - and there is no way Gainey can pay his number 2 (or three) D-man (Souray) more than his number 1 (Markov).

Besides, as much as I love Souray and his point shot, I don't love Souray and his, um, lack of defensive accumen (see Spezza, Jason). And what are the chances of a repeat of last year's stats? Or is it more likely that someone shells out big bucks a la $6M per year on a long term contract and he returns to his pre-2006/07 stats, meaning he is trade bait (or a buy-out candidate) within 2 years.

Wouldn't it be more productive to sign a second tier UFA like Tom Pressing, or maybe go after Scott Hannan or Brad Stuart (although that may cost as much as Souray)?

NEXT: To Draft Angelo Or NOT To Draft Angelo

Souray or not Souray? That is The Question

The age old debate that has raged over the last season hovered around the pending Markov Souray UFA dilemma. Who would the Habs keep if they had the chance to sign one? Would they be able to sign them both?

Everyone with any pull in the matter has said the right things. Souray favored Montreal. Gainey wanted them both. Markov wanted to stay and after several seasons with the Habs issued a statement through a translator stating: "I like Montreal, Montreal is good". This astounding vote of Shakespearean confidence prompted Gainey to offer his Russian roubleback the largest contract in Canadiens history. Yes. Andrei Markov is the beneficiary of the richest contract ever offered to a Montreal Canadien. Why that irks me, I don't know. Maybe because it makes no sense whatsoever, yes that would be a good start.

Sheldon, my love, you one trick pony you, St-Laurent will never be the same. I will miss the frequent attempts to LOCATE the puck on the REPLAY of your bombs. I never could. You said you wanted to stay, but of course while you could have broken the bank here, you will certainly raise a Chase Manhattan roof elsewhere.

Did the Habs do the right thing? If you like the glitz, then the answer is Nyet. If you like the elegance of certainty and grace, then all I can say is добро пожаловать домой, Andrei. (Gonna have to work for that one.)