Tuesday, December 09, 2008

10 Things We Hate About the Flames: Game Preview and Open Thread


This is what you get when you google "Calgary Flames Girls". Her favourite book is the dictionary - we're thinking she though the question was "what is the only book that you own?"


Standing in line details: 7:30pm EST/5:30pm MST start at the Phone Booth in Montreal. Game is on RDS and Rogers Sportsnet West - somewhat surprising since all the best Flames games seem to be on pay-per-view. Barbaric - Montrealers would riot. Of course, that's not saying much.

Lineup news: Kipper (shockingly) and Halak start. Little Tits goes if TurtlePlek can't. Tenderness and Rhino probably still eating popcorn in the pressbox. UPDATE: RDS reports that Little Tits is in and BGL is out, and Pleks will be in the lineup.

Random details that seem interesting: Kovy's goal drought now at 16 games, but Tangy and Hamr should be motivated against their former club. Flames have won 5 of 6; Habs 3-0-3 in their last 6 at home. Someone named David Moss is hot for the Flames; on some Flames blog somewhere are probably saying some guy named Matt D'Agostini is hot for the Habs.

Speaking of Flames Blogs: Five Hole Fanatics looks pretty good. At least they're emphasizing the most important position in all of professional sports.

Now that we've given token consideration to Calgary's point of view, let's get to the Flames' bashing:

10. Bandwagon Fans. Between 1995 and 2005, you couldn't give away Flames tickets. One vastly-overachieving and isolated playoff run later, you can't walk down a street without seeing an Iginla, Kiprusoff or Phaneuf jersey. Of course, those are the only three jersey's you'll see, along with the occasional Lanny MacDonald retro jersey - Flames fans can never be accused of originality. And they were all purchased during the 2005 run with dirty oil money. Yes, I live in Calgary and I hate oil & gas.

9. Stupid, lazy nickname. Flames? Um, Calgary is cold. I've heard it symbolises the flare tower at the top of an oil rig. (This is what it is for. Make sure to read to the end.) Maybe so, but not only does it simply reinforce the stereotype that Albertans care more about almighty oil than the future of the planet, it's beside the point. It's hardly their own name: it was taken from the Atlanta Flames - a nickname that made sense there, seeing at it gets HOT in Georgia. At the very least it's a second example of a massive lack of originality.

8. Harvey the Hound. A firefighting dog? Can he pee on the Flames and put them out with his mascot penis? Not only is it a lame outfit, Youppi! could so kick his ass.

7. Ugly jerseys. The Flaming "C" is a boring and unoriginal. But it's the mafia-inspired horse-head and the "podium" jersey that I'm really talking about. The former even made an All-time Top 10 Ugliest Jerseys List.

6. "Kipper" is fucking overrated, and it's time for Flames fans to admit that. Just because he plays 75 games a year and steals maybe a half-dozen doesn't make him the goaltending god they worship him as. Kipper's numbers are only slightly better than and certainly comparable to Christobal Huet, especially if you take into consideration the defence each has had in front of them. (Of course having said this, one of those half-dozen games will be tonight's.)

5. What is the Saddledome supposed to say to the world? Calgary literally plays in a barn? Smells like shit, and a participant might die? Not to mention the whole 'Brokeback Mountain' vibe it gives off.

4. Dion Phaneuf is an asshole.

Quick anecdote, even if it may be just urban myth: Phaneuf once left his Cadillac Escalade parked - and running - on a sidewalk just off the Red Mile. Stupid. Careless. Selfish. What was the urgency? Apparently, he was running into a Tim Horton's to get a cup of coffee when someone jacked his ride. The cops gave Phaneuf a ride to the game. Dick. Plus, there's this:



Admittedly, this pisses me off way more. At least Rangers' fans know how to treat him.

3. The Red Mile myth. All it is now is an excuse for bars to paint stupid "Go Flames" crap in their windows, being nothing more than a marketing label. Nary a boobie to be seen. At least some academics at the U of C are looking into the phenomenon, for the purposes, I can only assume, of how to re-create it.

2. 1989. Al MacInnis. Doug Gilmour. Joe Nieuwendyk. Theo Fleury. Mike Vernon. Lanny McDonald. In roughly that order. I especially hated how MacInnis owned Roy in the finals. It broke my 13-year old heart and forever soured me on the Flames. An unfortunate handicap when you end up moving to the city. Thankfully, we one first in '86. Plus there's the 24 to 1 Cup thing.

1. The collective delusion amongst Flames fans that their hometown team somehow competes with Edmonton's. The Oilers really are much better in every way. 5 Stanley Cups to 1. Gretzky, Messier, Kurri, Coffey, Lowe and Fuhr vs. Gilmour, Niewendyk, Fleury, MacInnis, Suter and Vernon? Please. Even the Oilers jersey's are better.

Alright Habs, let's get a measure of revenge on Calgary for the Stamps' Grey Cup win. Let's hear your thoughts in the comments, and if you're a Habs fan in Calgary, hope to see you at Flames Central!

UPDATE - Ed(HF29)'s note - the following was sent into FHF from reader Hurricane Eye in response to this story. We can't verify its veracity, but we're not journalists so who gives a shit. It amused us.

So I'm walking home around four yesterday when I spot Dion Phaneuf heading in the same direction, on Metcalfe, just north of Ste. Catherine. Since I'm fast and he's slow, I catch up to him. How did I know it was him? Well, he was big and had an NHLPA hat on. Also, he looked right at me and asked how to get to the Sheraton Centre. I told him to head south a block and then west two blocks; since I was heading in the same direction, we crossed the street together, where he bitched about the cold. ("Fuck! It's not this cold where I live." "Where's that?" "Calgary." Aha!)

Once we cross, I point out René-Lévesque - one block from where we were. Except he thought I had originally meant the short little street that runs just south of Ste. Catherine, where the infotourism centre is. Once he realized just how long the block is - about the length of the Sun Life building - he yells, Fuck!, and hops in a cab.

What a wimp. Of course I decided not to tell him that Sean Avery would have walked...

107 comments:

KML said...

11) Those who seem so easy-going and nice as Iginla are almost invariably complete assholes.

12) Sutter love. It serves no purpose, and the ridiculous "Canadian" identity (read: no skill, just act like a complete retard on the ice) with which they are associated is a blight on the game in our country.

Also, I'm willing to bet that Phaneuf received something closer to sloppy 35ths than 2nds.

Shutdown said...

And on the 8th day, a drunkard from the Molson Ex section started a "slo-ppy se-conds" chant every time Phaneuf hath touched the puck. And it was goode.



I know, I know. The whole Christian Sermon joke was soooo 2 days ago.

Shutdown said...

@KML "Also, I'm willing to bet that Phaneuf received something closer to sloppy 35ths than 2nds."

I'm willing to bet everyone in the locker room has to shut up when Phaneuf walks around. They've figured out it's no use trying to scream over the sound of that Ogre's knuckles dragging against the floor.

Kent W. said...

Really? Fans of a team team called "the Canadians (Canadiens)" ripping on "the Flames" as an uninspired name?

"What should we call our team, uh?"

"Uh...what town is this again?"

"Monteal...that's already in the name though."

"oh, right...well, we're men, right? How about the Montreal Men? The Guys? Montreal Inhabitants? Montreal People of..."

"That's it! Canadiens!!"

Brilliant. I guess "The Montreal Humans" didn't have the same ring.

Anyways, looking forward to the game tonight. And I kind of agree with you on the Sutter and Kipper points incidentally.

I fully expect Tanguay to score on us BTW.

Habsfan10 said...

Kent, I'm going to go easy on you, because I think this is your first visit, and I've already had it out with enough idiot Rangers fans over this very point.

"Canadiens" is is an ancient term used by the original French inhabitants of the province of Quebec. It has a 500 year history and association with the francophone people and the Canadiens carry it proudly as Quebec's representative to the world. They are officially known as "Le Club de Hockey Canadiens"; Canadiens is just a lot quicker to say (much like people refer to "Glasgow Celtic" rather than its offical name, "The Celtic Football Club".) You can say it's not original if you like, but for a hundred years it's meant something special, and the association it has with its home city is far more compelling than keeping Atlanta's name and making up a reason why it fits.

les_glorieux said...

Who can forget this great moment:

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g187/Geolink23/diontripsmall9ec2st.gif

wrap around curl said...

A reliable source once confirmed the Dion SUV incident. Yeah, that's right. I know people.

Anonymous said...

I've been checking out site and comments faithfully for the last 6 months. lovin it!

haven't seen Flames live since that fateful 89 cup finals

Shutdown said...

@glorieux

My hate for Rutuu and his douchebag ways is greater than my slight dislike for Phaneuf and his caveman forehead.

HabsFan29 said...

Can he pee on the Flames and put them out with his mascot penis?

that's why I love us.

hellohockeyfans said...

Not my first visit, actually. Just my first comment.

Fair enough. I was just repsonding in kind. Nit-picking sports team names seems like pissing in the wind to me:

- There's no Penguins in Pittsburgh!

- Is Minnesota really that 'Wild'?

- Maple Leafs is grammatically incorrect!

- Is LA actually regal?

- Anaheim DUCKS!!?

Obviously, most teams - outside of those bearing 500 year old historically relevant monikers - have names that are either silly or meaningless. I could honestly care less about Calgary's team name (I might draw the line at "Silly Nannies" or something, but otherwise).

The Dion SUV story is true, BTW, although I think he was running into a Starbucks.

As for the Oilers being much better in every way...not so much. Were they in the '80s? Sure. But outside of that run a few years ago, Stinktown has been cannon fodder in the NW division for the better part of a decade now. They can cling to their memories of superiority like a faded high school football star working at Burger King all they want.

Limerick Dude said...

There once was a lad named Phaneuf
Who looked like a fuckin' goof
About his 'sloppy seconds'
We'd all take her I reckons
Unless perhaps you are a poof

Here's hoping Jaro stops meeny pucks.

Van Hab said...

At least our mascot is named after vagina!

Wait...
What?

Habsfan10 said...

@ Kent/HelloHockeyFans:

I can't keep up with you. You have more aliases than Fletch.

The Penguins compound the terribleness with alliteration. That's just giving up.

Welcome to posting. You just took the step from "slightly odd FHF lurker" to "full-blown FHF crazy".

Go Pants!

lawyergirl77 said...

Limerick Dude - you owe me a new keyboard. Starbucks is now all over mine.

Topic: crisse que j'haïs les Flames... Je me souviens de 1989 assholes!!! All Calgary sports teams can suck it - why must you always win championships in our city??!! [/whine] (excellent post, Panger!)

lawyergirl77 said...

Oh and HF10 +1 for the random Chevy Chase reference. Well done, sir!

Raquel said...

god I fucking loathe Dion Phaneuf and his inflated scoring stats and his money and his I'm-too-good-to-play-for-Team-Canada and his monkeyface staring blankly back at me from the cover of NHL '09... hate him hate him hate him... and then hate him some more

gillis said...

Going to the game,...

I got bored and wrote about the Rivet trade in my new blog...

that's all...

Halak it like dat

Phoff said...

I know this Hurricane Eye dude and trust me, he can be relied upon.

Unfortunately, he's just as much of a douchebag as Dion Phaneuf.

Bam!

Joey said...

Your mom's a douchebag.

Limerick Dude said...

Phaneuf: Derived from the English Farnsworth, meaning 'fern enclosure'. Pasture. Full of crap. Stinky.

Thought I'd look up some Habs names:

D'Agostini: Sacred
Koivu: Birch
Kostitsyn: may mean a 'small or womans scythe...good for fern removal...

Can we call this the Holy Tree line?

Also Kovalev means blacksmith.

andythesaint said...

Here's a couple more:

-Harvey the Hound? Not even a hound. Hound is a type of dog, not a synonym for dog, and they don't have pointy ears. Moreover, if you were going to have a dog as a mascot for a team called the Flames, wouldn't a dalmation make the most sense?

-Mike Vernon's retirement banner is done up in a style and colour scheme that he never wore. The closest he came is with his late-period Flames return, when he wore the ugly black horsehead... with number 29.

-Sticking with banners, the Flames proudly display President Trophy banners as though they equal Stanley Cup banners. And proudly celebrated the hoisting of their Western Conference Champion banner with all the pomp and circumstance that good teams reserve for real championships (by contrast, when the Oilers won the Western Conference the following season, they merely placed the banner up in the offseason, not in a pregame ceremony)

Rips it, scores said...

This is what Dion Phaneuf is hitting.

What an asshole.

Panic Mode said...

How can you hate the Flames?

Do they come from Boston? No.

Do they come from Philadelphia? No.

Did Michel Bergeron ever coach them? No.

Do they have Stanley Cup parades in a parking lot like the Devils? No.

Do they cancel the Stanley Cup parade because there are no actual streets only freeways like in Anaheim? No.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

OK, OK I admit it, I don;t actually HATE the Fklames, I just can't like them. Partly it's the 1989 hangover, but it's also their Sutter-sih style of play. As KML pointed out, I dont understand the Sutter mentality. Scrums after every whistle, overall goonery, and defence way before any offensive creativity. At least he signed some guys who could skate and promoted a couple of young players. Too little, too late.

lostinleafland said...

If Little Tits takes one bad penalty tonight,,,he's out, gone, shipped off to the Hammer, where he can chase down crack whores and armless hookers.
.....Maybe not a bad way to spend the holidays?

HabsFan29 said...

wait, Hamilton has armless hookers? i thought it was boring. Via rail, here i come!

moeman said...

Thank God the game isn't on TSN cuz Magwired would be monstering all over himself and Gord Miller's chin.

lostinleafland said...

Has anybody seen the lines that Carbo is sending out tonight?

I think Gui is parking cars at the valet tonight?

lostinleafland said...

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but HF29, tell me you're at a wine tasting event tonight or maybe a intervention for a co-worker?
We need to get back on a winning streak.

Montréaliste1 said...

@ 10 I love your fucking brilliant answer/diss to these assholes. Just put a link to last year's answer to rangers' fans.

@ 29: couldn't you manage to push him in from of a car or something ?

Leaving for the booth!

fezworth said...

Great game preview 33. I'm going to Moti Mahal tonight, so I won't be able to join you and Bryan at Flames Central. :-(

But maybe it's really *me* who is cursed. I guess we'll see tonight if they win.

HabsFan29 said...

alright kids im all settled in for a nice evening of hockey!!!

in my own defense, on Saturday night i WENT OUT after 2 periods and didnt see the rest. it was still tied at that point. so HA

no word on lines, though i know Little Tits is in and BGL is out

HabsFan29 said...

i swear RDS said BGL was out, but i just saw him in the warm up

BTW if there is an Elisha sighting I will down my glass of scotch, refill it and down that one. then i will masturbate

fezworth said...

CJAD just confirmed BGL is out.

Plekky & L'il Tits in.

Lostinleafland said...

More things to hate about the Flames..
Mike Keane & Bertuzzi.Couple of fuckin' arseholes.

CJAD reports
Little Tits is IN, BGL out.

HabsFan29 said...

alright damn you curse be over

im surprised even half the fans made it with the snowy mess downtown

Jaro meke many saves alredy!!!

moeman said...

Tang-a-Lang.

HabsFan29 said...

Tangy! or, uh Lang?

moeman said...

Brunet is brutal.

HabsFan29 said...

i'll take that bounce

Lostinleafland said...

Fuckin' Higgins.
He's a menace. He'll be lucky to get two shots tonight.

moeman said...

Did I just spot Elisha (a Montrealer) in the crowd?

HabsFan29 said...

moeman i rewound the pvr 'cause like I said an Elisha sighting will mean 2 scotches and a private moment for me, but i didnt see her

moeman said...

Pretend.

HabsFan29 said...

seriously we cant do better than Breezer and Hamr on the point on the PP?

Panic Mode said...

Kipper is a wall tonight.

I didn't realize Bertuzzi and Keenan were Flames. Yeah. I hate them.

lostinleafland said...

I don't understand having GBL on the D during PP either? We miss Doom.

lostinleafland said...

typo, I said Mike Keane, not Keenan,,but I think you knew which douchebag I was talking about..

Panic Mode said...

Higgins out of the game.

Brunet: "maybe this will give Latendresse a chance."

Idiot.

moeman said...

Brunet is brutal.

moeman said...

Dags! (sit down Latendresse)

HabsFan29 said...

Dagger for MVP

Panic Mode said...

I'm in love.

Panic Mode said...

Flame knocks the net off on purpose to save a goal. Refs miss it.

moeman said...

Brunet says thats what he wanted to see from Dagger. Yeah, right, STFU.

HabsFan29 said...

i cant enjoy anything for more than 2 minutes

Panic Mode said...

Another shoulder injury: Dandenault.

Flames may not be skilled but they are big.

lostinleafland said...

dandy,,oh oh??
we can't lose another D-man? O'burned again must be sharpening his skates right now?

Higgins,,no biggie. Bring Chips back up from Steeltown.

moeman said...

Kov-a-Lang. 3-1

HabsFan29 said...

so if it's Kovy feeding Lang all the time, I wont argue if Kovy doesnt score

Lostinleafland said...

When is Komisarek expected to return? Soon,,,,please.

moeman said...

Was an Elisha in a Habs jersey sighting?

moeman said...

KRex says we can unwrap him at Xmas time.

HabsFan29 said...

moeman stop fucking with me. if Elisha was in a Habs jersey i would need TWO private moments

Lostinleafland said...

Does anybody work harder than Begin..no damn skills, but the heart of a lion.
24-22 shots for the good guys.
Anytime we have 30+ shots, good things happen.
solid 40 mins,,keep it going for another 20.

moeman said...

HF29, imagine Elisha in nothing but a Habs jersey.

Also,
Voisine à côté.

HabsFan29 said...

hello blogger?

wrap around curl said...

Evening gents...

HabsFan29 said...

wrap! you're just in time for my HTML freakout

wrap around curl said...

HTML freak outs are the spice of life. Or a reason to drink.

HabsFan29 said...

i know how to type an HREF tag blogger!!! grrrrrrr

HabsFan29 said...

ok im drinking now

moeman said...

Did you spot Elisha?

HabsFan29 said...

i spotted Elisha in that link im trying to post in response to your Girl Next Door pic but otherwise no

wrap around curl said...

Uhhh what is the issue?

HabsFan29 said...

the issue is Blogger hates me

moeman said...

Elisha still loves ya HF29, drink up

wrap around curl said...

It hates me as well. It kept eating a blog post last week. I wanted to kick it in it's fleshy bits.

HabsFan29 said...

mmm that's good milk, er beverage

Little Tits killing penalties. that'll tell you what kind of game he's had

HabsFan29 said...

mmm that's good PK'ing

moeman said...

Um, dats good hockey.

4-1

HabsFan29 said...

YES! WHOEVER!

moeman said...

Halakipper!

HabsFan29 said...

singing with more than 5 minutes left. kill me

HabsFan29 said...

trying to post the picture one more time

moeman said...

HF29 scores!

wrap around curl said...

@HF29; needs more cheeseburger.

HabsFan29 said...

about fucking time. my streak was worse than Kovy's

wrap around curl said...

Please tell me people were chanting Sloppyyyyy Secondsssss

HabsFan29 said...

I Can Has Cheezburger?

habsss said...

Phaneuf is such a neanderthal

HabsFan29 said...

wrap we're not that bright. Olé is the most lyrics we can remember

Panic Mode said...

Good game.

Lang, Kipper, Halak are my 3 stars.

HabsFan29 said...

besides the lack of a real Elisha sighting, I can live with that game

wrap around curl said...

I am too lazy to find the pick on Deadspin of the cheeseburger on Cuthbert's body.

Also; I have always maintained the Flames have to bang rocks together to communicate with Phaneuf.

moeman said...

Great game. Nice win. Elisha!

HabsFan29 said...

oh btw i watched every second of that game. take our jinx and shove it people!

fezworth said...

@HF29: Hai, haz a cheezburger! ur off the hook! ^_^

Apparently I was the problem the entire time. I go for Indian Food, the Habs produce a good game.

lawyergirl77 said...

Wrap - there was some "sloppy seconds" chanting, along with various references to being a pussy every time Phaneuf touched the puck.

And the loud booing every time Bertuzzi touched it started in section 315, I'm proud to say!!!

El Dandy is out with a broken arm, peeps. The guy made that defensive play to get the puck the heck out of our zone with a BROKEN FUCKING ARM, people. I knew I liked him for a reason...

How did Higgy get injured??

29: I'm very glad to see that your curse ended. Perhaps next time I have an extra ticket to the game (as I did tonight), I'll drop you a line!! ;-)

ENGL said...

@ lawyergirl77: It was an awkward check. Nothing dirty. Looks like a shoulder problem.

Bryan said...

oh my GOD... 100 comments took forever. SOOOO.. here it is. Flames Central was invaded by Habs fans tonight and it fucking rocked!! There was singing. There was chanting. There were more of us than Flames fans. Fez and Panger you suck for not showing, you twat waffles!! But perhaps we might do another event for Habs/Leafs in January. Kipper is overrated. The Phaneuf SUV thing is real. I remember when it was in the papers. Panger's depiction of Flames fans is for real. Other than a manager at the Rose And Crown (with a Turek(sp?) jersey) I've never seen a jersey other than Phaneuf, Iggy, and Kipper. And while Iggy is validated, the others are not. Phaneuf is a Dman who thinks he's a forward and Kipper goes back and forth between star and thunder-cunt from period to period. Ah man... what a night. Im wearing my Habs jersey in Calgary for the rest of the week.

Number31 said...

Now how to get Carbo to keep that Kovalanguay line together...

Weird, they play them again in February.

fezworth said...

Way to represent Bryan. Frankly though, I think that my not watching was what put us over the top. I might stop showering as well, just for good measure.

Van Hab said...

Just got home, son unfortunately didn't take part in this incestuous post party. I say incestuous because there's 104 posts by about 12 people. I was initially worried that this blog had become "popular" and I'd have cheer for a more "underground" team.
Thank God it still sucks! Can't say the same for the Habs though...I could use a shootout loss right about now.

copyranter said...

@number 31: Languay? thanks for reminding of THAT wonderful trade.

Doogie2K said...

Having watched the game on RSN, can I just point out that Charlie Simmer is a douche? He actually tried to claim that d'Agostini turned into the hit by Regehr, when anyone with two functioning eyes could see that he'd just won a positional battle and Regehr plowed him into the glass for his troubles.