Thursday, September 20, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview - Andrei Kostitsyn

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

After our group therapy session over the return of the human Métro turnstile known as the Breezer, something to cheer you up: the FHF preview of one of the Habs’ young guns, Andrei Kostitsyn.

The tits – According to HF33, he and his little brother Sergei are the “Tits” already, and if there’s one thing the FHF appreciates, it’s tits. Andrei is as talented as anyone in the Habs organization; he has good size and speed, and he’s an excellent puckhandler with a sniper’s shot. Reminds me a lot of Maxim Afinogenov. The talking heads at places like TSN and Sportsnet use words like “deft” and “shifty” and “dangle” to describe his game, and he nearly makes Pierre Maguire’s head explode when he does stuff like this. His point totals increased all three years he was in Hamilton, culminating in last year’s point-a-game pace and a plus minus of +24. Seems to be developing an understanding with Kovy.

The cellulite – Needs some work in the defensive zone. Sometimes guilty of handling the puck too much instead of playing it safe. For as talented as he is, he doesn’t seem to light the lamp as much as one would hope. Again, a lot like Afinogenov.

The armpit hair – His name gets tricky to spell if you aren’t paying attention. The “s” after the “o” could get misplaced, or you might add another “t” by mistake. There’s a possibility opposing fans could come up with some unflattering nicknames. Bastards.

In the VIP Room – Kostitsyn was the 10th overall pick in the loaded 2003 draft (Eric Staal, Nathan Horton, Dion Phaneuf, Zach Parise, Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf, Jeff Carter, Tomas Vanek and Marc-Andre Fleury were all first-rounders that year), and many experts felt he was top-5 material. Rumours of heart problems and an actual epilepsy scare frightened some teams off, but the Habs were happy to snap him up. If he puts all his skills together, I think he could be as good as any of the guys listed above. Seriously. Little brother Sergei is also a Habs prospect and put up 140 points in the OHL last year for London. Yowza. Somebody get Mrs. Kostitsyn on the phone and see if she has a third son who plays centre.

Chez Parée bound? - In a Habs-jersey red Dodge Viper. Kostitsyn has seen the last of Hamilton. He’s got a spot on Kovy’s line and 30 goals (most of the highlight-reel variety) in his near future.

Signature Song – Poison’s "Something to Believe In." I want to believe that “the Habs lack a game-breaker” argument will be buried in an avalanche of Kovalev-to-Kostitsyn masterpieces.

9 lap dances (out of 10). – Am I delusional? Maybe. But I think the Habs have a future star on their hands and I can’t wait to see what he can do on a scoring line. At the very least, he’s going to keep youtube busy. At best, he rewards my optimism to the point where I start posting as HF46. Hmm … 4 + 6 = 10 … oh man, I have to go lie down.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF29 - I share your optimism. Total tits. Klever player. Serious kemistry with Kovy. Krossing my fingers for a real breakout year.

HF33 - The kid has the skill set to make any coach fondle himself. Yet, why am I not convinced? Probably because the team had my hopes up last time around with Kostitsyn when his name was Perezhogin.

Panger - [Inaudible mumbling about Huet's performance last night.]*

*Not true. Panger never mumbles.


Matt said...

Love the previews guys. I really hope you are right about Kostitsyn, we are definitely starving for a game breaker. Although HF33 has a good point to. Hopefully they finally got it right.

Anonymous said...

Koboobsyn twins better bring it this year or else we're toastky.

yacko yacko said...

How many young promising european forwards can a team handle at once? Maybe this is a good problem to have. I haven't made up my mind yet...When is the future NOW!!!!

Jordi said...

Kostitsyn is really a guy who's filling up that hole is "we need someone new to believe in!". Considering last year we had a rookie whom many were already hyping up around the place, Kostitsyn looks like a god. He reminds me a bit of the Ales Hemsky - hopefully not as hard to pair with.

Francis Chary said...

I think we're all setting ourselves up for bitter, tooth-gnashing, tear-spilling disappointment here. I want to believe, but it scares me. Let's re-visit this 20 or so games in.