Friday, September 14, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview Presents Michael Ryder


FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

After profiles of 3 straight centermen, FHF finally moves to the wing for a preview of whipping boy ...err winger Michael Ryder.

The tits - Has played 3 full NHL seasons and has scored 25, 30 and 30 goals, so he can score. Plus he’s not injury prone cause he’s missed a combined 2 games in those 3 seasons. He and Koivu seem to have developed some chemistry over the years – Ryder knows how to bury his chances (ok, most of the time). He’s got decent size, but more importantly he’s one of the few players on the team with a shot capable of beating any goalie from almost any angle – I hear the snickering in the back, but who else has hands like him on this team? Maybe Kovalev. And $2.2M for a 30 goal scorer is pretty damn good deal for the team, plus he’s got motivation this season as he approaches UFA status next summer.

The cellulite - Doesn’t bring much to the table besides goals – there’s a reason he hasn’t suffered any major injuries while someone like Begin has recurring back problems. Plays well with skill players like Koivu and Higgins cause they’ll do the dirty work in the corners, but he’s a waste of space with less talented linemates. He hasn’t shown the ability to create scoring chances, and not a strong set-up guy – he’s a perennial “Cy Young” candidate. He misses too many golden opportunities; in other words, sometimes he can’t get it up when he’s in tight – unlike the FHF of course. And for ‘all’ the time he spends on the backcheck he probably won’t know who the Habs’ #1 goalie is until some time in March (he was -25 last year and had to be introduced to Jaro Halak at the season ending dinner). Seems to be a lightening rod for criticism, most of which seems unfair given fans should know what to expect (and what not to expect) by now. He’s not Steve Begin, people.

The armpit hair - He’s a Neufie, so we’re a bit surprised every time he remembers to lace up his skates before warm up (it’s a joke, don’t send hate mail – wait do they get the interweb in NFLD?). When he’s cold, he’s basically absolute zero – no signs of movement. Even when he is scoring, somehow always leaves us wanting more (although the same might have been said about Brett Hull). Even though he has a great shot, if he’s not scoring he’s basically useless. Plus it seems that he only scored in losing efforts – I wouldn’t lay the “choker” tag on him yet, but he’s not far off. He’ll be a UFA at the end of the year, so the John Leclair scenario (moves to another team and becomes a full-fledged 50-goal sniper) may be on the horizon. Shudder.

In the VIP Room - For whatever reason he has not been embraced by the fans, and the series of one-year contracts he’s signed isn’t exactly a full endorsement by the team. Plus for some reason he reminds us of Brian Savage. That’s not a good thing, unless it’s October. Chez Parée bound? It’s a contract year, so yes, in a limo with a fist full of American dollars. Who the hell else is going to score for us? (Those of you who said “Greek Lightening”, please turn in your Hab Fan Membership Cards.) He may even be the Habs first 50 goal scorer since Stephane Richer. Or not.

8 lap dances (out of 10) - Hopefully his UFA contact year will raise his level of play without the puck. Or not.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF10: Those 30 goals a year certainly come in handy, even if they never seem to come in the tight games. But sometimes it looks like he doesn't give a damn, and when he's out there with another lazy defender like Kovalev, it's a recipe for trouble. He was -25 playing primarily with a pair of little bulldogs like Koivu and Higgins and that ain't good. And what's with the continued arbitration/holdout tease? If you don't want to be here, say so. Of course, I hope he gets 40 minimum this year, because we're gonna need it.

HF29: He’s the only “natural” scorer we’ve got. I have no choice but to like him.

HF33: I love the dumbfounded look on Ryder’s face every time he scores. It’s the “My God did you guys see that?” look. The slumps, they kill him. But that affects the 1st line every year. I don’t mind the 5-6 game funk. But 20 games!? Saku and him go so cold they could be sleeping with Walt Disney.

11 comments:

Habsfan10 said...

Where'd you find a picture of him hitting someone?

Anonymous said...

As Koivu goes, so goes Ryder.

Bryan said...

loved the walt disney comment. hilarious.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Cellulite?? Armpit hair?!?! Just what the hell kind of strip club are you guys running here???

So, if I grasp the gist of your finely honed, legally trained argument here...should be a great race for ninth.

Please don't hate us because we're beautiful!

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Camps are open boys!! Thought I'd bring my preseason smack.

HabsFan29 said...

SLC, er, Twitch, er, whoever you are, np we can take the smack from someone who doesn't even know who he is

and when was the last time the Sens won the Cup? 1843? was there electricity then?

;)

gonna be a great season!

Senators Lost Cojones said...

HF29...sorry, what was that? I had my Prince of Wales Trophy stuck in my ear.

And it's gonna be an awesome season. WHEEEEE!

p.s.: had to change my handle. Between you guys, DS, MYFO, and my own little chucklehut, I lost track of the self-agrandizing lies. This way was...simpler. The nice doctor said so.

panger76 said...

As long as the Sens keep beating down the Leafs, I'm a big fan...

HabsFan29 said...

Yes! In our hatred of the Leafs we are united.

Jordi said...

You know that argument's gonna get old as the season goes on.

Screw it, I still like Ryder. He's the little Newfie of ours. HE'S OUR LITTLE NEWFIE OF OURS. Plus he's got his own webpage. Isn't that just so cute?

Fred said...

Don't forget he scored a hat trick in the game of the year for us last season... That's pretty neat!
Funny article by the way, t'was fun!