Leafs Forced to Pack Overnight Bags: Toronto Management Files Protest Over "Grossly Unfair" Scheduling

Sundin and Tucker console each other after hearing the horrific news

In a shocking development that General Manager John Ferguson Junior has labelled "grossly unfair" and "contrary to all principles of decency", the National Hockey League, in a brazen swipe at the shining beacon at the centre of the hockey universe, has decreed that the hard-luck Maple Leafs will be forced to travel to Pittsburgh to play the Penguins this evening. Leafs season ticketholders, fans, broadcasters, and players were shocked at what team president Larry Tannenbaum called "an outrageous, unnecessarily cruel punishment" from the league.

"I don't even have a bag large enough to hold a change of clothes", sniffed young winger Thomas Steen as he tearfully boarded a plane for the grueling hour and a half flight. Captain Mats Sundin helped the distraught youngster find a seat, refusing to answer questions about "this bullshit decision; rumour is the Penguins received permission to play Crosby and Malkin too."

NHL Head Office representatives would not confirm or deny Sundin's accusations that Penguins stars Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Sergei Gonchar would be allowed to play tonight. If so, it would be yet another injustice forced upon the Blue and White. As beloved, entirely neutral announcer Bob Cole noted, "it's bad enough they let all those guys play in Toronto, especially since they had only played one game the night before. But to let them all play at home after the Leafs have to take that horrible flight, and then have to take a bus to the rink ... well, that's deplorable." Cole then mumbled incoherently, mispronounced the names of several Penguin players (past and present), and hugged his Darcy Tucker beanie baby.

Coach Paul Maurice was incensed at the injustice being served on his team. He noted that the Leafs had already been forced to play in Ottawa and Buffalo in their first ten games, "and some of the boys didn't get back to their condos until almost 1 am" after both contests. Maurice also noted that if not for the timely injury suffered by Atlanta goalie Kari Lehtonen, the Leafs would have faced their third starting goalie of the year. "Three starters in the first ten games! And Gerber WAS the starter in Ottawa last year for a time!" said an increasingly agitated Maurice, his voice as loud as a normal human whisper. "If I only have back-up goalies, it only seems fair that the other team use theirs."

Commissioner Gary Bettman was indeed sympathetic to the Leafs, and said that the NHL would make sure that injustices such as this were not perpetrated against "our flagship franchise, and the owners of our rented offices in the ACC." Bettman then promptly suspended Penguins goalies Marc-Andre Fleury and Dany Sabourin for tonight's game, and replaced them with former Pens back-up Frank Pietrangelo and Jean-Claude Van Damme's character from Sudden Death "because he plays a Penguin goalie, and that's close enough." Bettman also immediately passed the "John Tavares rule", which guarantees the Leafs the right to choose 16 year-old Oshawa Generals goal-scoring phenom John Tavares "whenever they are ready".

When told of the Commissioner's moves, Ferguson Junior said "it's a start, but it still won't save my fucking job. Do you think the Pens would take the Tavares pick for Pietrangelo?"