First the no-nos.
No talks about sweeps here. Save the brooms for the playoffs children. Call this one exactly what is was: two wins in a regular season home and home.
Also, no talk about the Habs being in first place in the East. If the playoffs started today, they would be in fourth, Leaf fans would be consoling themselves in homosexual hugs, and I would still want to have sex with Beyonce.
Interesting thing today is that despite these two wins over Philadelphia and a hard fought four points taken from an important conference rival, Habs fans seem overly cautious, glass half emptyish. Gagné was out, Hatcher was out, Koivu seems shackeld, the power play is fizzling, yada yada.
In the spirit of this rampant pessimism in Montreal, we thought it best to have the two weekend games reviewed by the only person with ties to this city that has any reason to hurl invective at the Canadiens.
The game reviews as seen by Montreal Canadien third string goalie, Jaroslav Halak:
Mantreal Canedien facking assholes. They play like crep. Two big weens this weekend heh? Fak you. They are just lacky teem with no talant and terrible kepten. Koivu look like bug. I crosh him like litel ant.
Maybe I no talk like thees if Canedien dont treet me like manky shit. Last year, I play stending on my head in Hemilton weech look like public toilets in Prague. Nathing to do in this stupid city but masturbate. I do it much. I like to do it. Eneyway. I play like rock star all year in smelly Hemilton and Bulldag gonna make playoff. Then I see that Cristoball Hueet (do I say the T or no?) get hurt in penis and Davide Aebercombie have to play all games in important playoff putsch, sorry, push. Aebercombie play like aborted donkey and Mantreal have serious problem to no make playoff.
Ring ring, my phone rings and now my meneger tell me to go to Mentreal. I so heppy to go out of this crepy Hemilton that I urinate on hotel room bed and in Hemilton city hall. Maybe made white pee too. I don't remember. So I go to Mantreal, and I stand on my head for first game, then second one, and I do this many time.
I look in peper in morning and every days I see Mentreal in higher place on the peper then the day before. I ask myself if the meneger of the peper have to make top of page longer because Mentreal go higher on page everyday. What if no room? Meneger of peper not call me back.
So I play good for 2 manths in Mentreal. Sometime coach tell Aebercrombie to play and he make shit in net. So they tell me to play for good. In my time in Mentreal, I started see Cristoball in dressing room. His penis getting stronger and bigger so i got scared about he going to my net and not me. I also no want to go beck to Hemilton where I make pee. So on last day of year I see Cristoball in room. He penis look good. Really good. Coach say, hey cristo good penis! you play tonight in Torronto.
I say no coach! Big game! I want to play Torronto! Coach say Huwet have good penis and he have to go in net. But that I needed to help Hemilton to win cap in playoff. I watch game form bench in Torronto. Huewet make very big poop and Mentreal don't have playoff. People in crowds with Mentreal sweter say they kill our children. Coach put knife to Kovalev throat. Big mess. I say, I no like Mentreal, I miss Hemilton. Want to make cap win there.
I go back to Hemilton after getting screw fram Canedien. Bulldag, my team all the year. I arrive in dress room and i see big man putting pads in my place in room. I say to him, Hello big and quiet boy, please move, this is my place. So then then coach who hear this tell me, no no, Jaroslav, this is new goalie, Cari Price. He play here now. He play tonight and every game. You just practice and make stew for team.
I not play one game in playoff. We win chempionship and I dont do anything. Facking Price do everything and even make lav to my girlfriend.
So now this year I say maybe Mantreal will trade me. No they keep me in Hemilton and ask me to play well. Price in Mentreal, not me. But he make some shit in net and I go to Mentreal to help. I dont play even one game, only help twice when Hwet have penis problems. I go beck to Hemilton when Price play good.
Fak you Mentreal. I saw games with Filadefphia. Ypu play like shits.
In Mentreal you only score one goal. You loozers. Stupid Kartstitsoon score on back like clown. Very ugly goal. Nitoomackee bad in net. Price play alone in thirs period with two minute 5 on 3. He stop everything because lacky. No talent, just bad Phladelfia with no talent. Mentreal play bad. Look.
Kovalev: 0 goals
Koivu: 0 goals
Plekanc: 0 goals
Ryder: eat pupcorn
Begin: 0 goal
Higgines: 0 goals
Price: 0 goals
Latendresse: 0 goals
Lapierre: fat and 0 goals
Kostopoo: 0 goals and 1 soupena
Oburn: 0 goals
Markov: 0 goals
Hamerlik: 0 goals
0 goals, 0 goals. So bad.
So now you give yourself blowjab because you win and you happy. But you play so bad because you only score one clown goal and everybody in Flodelfia no play because hurt penis.
In Pheelie, Merntral you think you gonna win again because you so tuf. Ha! You play so bad. Plekanec make very bad pass from backhand in back of net and he sooo lacky Kovalev stay in front of net and score ugly goal. Then big Phieeladephia score so quick becase you so bad. Price is weak like lady bug with maltiple sclerosis. Then Mantreal you score again lacky goal because Josh Gerogie so pussy no want to fight. He no fight and then Boiullon score goal alone becase everybody in phladlehia players stay behind to fight like men. But no! Gierogie is so woman he no fighjt and Mentreal sneeky player continue to skaet like cowards and score goal alone. Shame on you Mentreal to play like Romanian gypsies.
Then Philadefia no want to play the pussies no more and just skate for two periods to just finish game. so Mentreal score more goals. Even one with Neetomakee on bench and nobady in Philoodephia net! Hahahaha! That no count! Then with game almost finish Price make a big crap and Philadephia score and I think they should win game becaase they score last.
You not in first Mentreal, only four because top 3 is for men teams, you are woman team.
If you make playoff don't call me if Hwet have hurt penis, I won't come back. I will win trophy in Hemilton. I go drown Yan Danis now.
There you have it folks. A wounded man with his wounded pride, incapable of acknowledging that Montreal had a pretty good weekend. First place, almost.