Friday, March 14, 2008

Sens 3, I Want to Sign Up For Eye Amputation

A massive elephant just took out its massive elephant dick and rained Niagara on the Habs parade. No matter who Montreal beats, no matter how high they are perched atop the standings, the Senators just take out their guns and shoot Montreal in the center of its anus. The team walks away with a noticeable limp, having shot itself in the foot moments before.

These Ottawa - Not So Fast, Montreal - Senators are a handful and the Habs are learning that they just don’t match up well with them. As we’ve said before, we now know how the Bruins feel when playing the Canadiens. Hampered by complexes, hesitant, unsure, insecure. Playing the Senators feels like puberty. So while the Habs were busy popping their zits, the Sens squeezed the life out of the team by applying a thorough chokehold at the first drop of the puck. Probably the most stifling game they have been dealt all year.

It was one of those wins that sees you off to bed with a chip on your shoulder, and prompts your better half to ask why you take these things so seriously. It’s one of those games that drops your team from second place to the lower half of the conference playoff seedings. A game that had the opponent skating 60 minutes of flawless hockey, where you realize that you’re just not there yet and that there’s THAT much separating you from this other team.

So how can we illustrate the gap between the Habs and the Sens on this night? Think of this:

· The above-mentioned elephant’s penis, erect
· A 100 person cheerleader pyramid with Manute Bol at the top
· Rita McNeil
· Space between Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale at the dining room table in the first Batman
· Whatever has doubled as Paris Hilton’s cerebral cortex
· The space between Gwyneth Paltrow’s nipples
· The ideological differences between avid Manitoba Polka AM Radio listeners and Al-Qaeda

Good on Martin Gerber for keeping Ray Emery in the House of Dog. You can bet that after having bolted after 30 minutes during the game day practice, management will be pushing for expansion to Karachi to ship his ass off to a life of misery.

You have to admire Ottawa for demonstrating what perfection looks like on a sheet of ice. Jason Spezza did his best Billy Crystal impersonation with a perfect swing of the bat on a border line high stick swat on goal. Terrible outlet passes, dispassionate play, this was the type of poor execution only a death row inmate in Texas would dream of.

The Sens gave the Habs nothing. As much air as Borat had in that “uncomfortable scene” in the movie. Despite having accustomed the fans to miraculous comebacks this year, on this night even the early 1 goal lead seemed insurmountable. Full marks for Alex Kovalev on being the only Hab who tried. His lonely wheels kept turning all night.

There are 2 more of these statement games against the Sens and the Habs better find a way to beat a full Ottawa lineup or connect to a direct line to God to avoid facing these guys and a majestic stomping in the form of a four act play in the later rounds of the playoffs.Don’t hold your breath for a reversal of fortune, with the type of suffocation imposed by the Sens, air will be scarce. Ottawa turned the Habs’ breath into a waning wheeze; they sounded like Darth Vader, with an asthma attack.


HabsFan29 said...

well said 33!

we are clearly not in their league. it was amply demonstrated last evening.

Whatever has doubled as Paris Hilton’s cerebral cortex

so, like, air?

HabsFan33 said...

yeah, lots of it. in the oodles range.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Wait, wait, WAIT! There's been a terrible misunderstanding!

HF29, I was not calling you a jackass. I was calling myself a jackass, for reasons too convoluted to outline here (check your email).

Just wanted to say so publicly. I'd hate to lose the FHF's friendship and easy access to SFW(ish) stripper pics over my silly brain fart. still like...stuff?

Oh and GO (temporarily back in 1st place although that will in all probability change by Sunday but I'm going to crow about it now) SENS GO!!

HabsFan29 said...

@SLC (see how easy that is? ;)):

It's all good. Beers and SFW(ish) stripper pics for all!

Go Habs Go! er, Go hockey.

Anonymous said...

Jeff from Hong Kong here guys, you know who I am.

I'm the guy who's been stalking you the last 3 months. I have pictures of all you guys in my bedroom.

My wife is English (like the Queen English, dumbasses, in case anyone doesn't get the capitalization) so she just thinks putting your pics up in our bedroom is 'eccentric' whereas we know it's fucked as shit. Warped. Call Clarise and Hannibal.

OK I'm an old guy. I don't depend on Habbies to feel good. Peruvian products take care of that. But fuck. Fuck. Fuckeda fuckeda. Fuck cubed. Are we that shit?

My feeling is Habs have no 'we will fuck you up' hockey balls yet, and a team needs that, they need to believe in themselves.

Habs went into Philly in 76 (told you I'm old) and just fucked them up. They had that balls attitude.

Rant is over now. Good work as usual gentlemen.

By the way this little enter your shit stupid post screen is crap. I can't even see the fucking window.

To have such a crap screen, you guys must be shit lawyers. Crap. Terrible. Sorry, didn't mean it.

Fuck. Are we this shit? Plus: We're gonna end up 5th, and play Jersey. Fuck.

Better to end up 6th and play Crapolina, but Bettman the guy I love and really want to fuck hard just like Kate Moss only different sorta, decided to give the division winners top 3 seeds. What a giant cunt he is.

Though giant cunts can be enjoyable I suppose.

Must sleep now, sudden aneurism. Suddenly no sight in left eye. Fuck I hate that.


HabsFan29 said...

and SLC, upon further review, you followed proper blog commenting form that i didn't notice (at the time). you had the * to indicate you were making a correction, and italicized the @29 meaning that was to be substituted, not that you were talking to me. and I certainly recognize (now) the DS-style calling of yourself a jackass when you yourself fuck up.

so I was just as much as fault. meth is a hell of a drug.

HabsFan29 said...

Jeff, seriously, meth is a hell of a drug.

but you do make me laugh.

Habsfan10 said...

Between last nights awfulness and Jeff's post, I need some meth.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Wow. Jeff. Um...dude... Pull yourself together man! The division is still tied, and although your PRC overlords may not let you see it, the Habs are still playing pretty good hockey, as much as it pains me to say.

That said, I will, however, endeavour to use "fuck cubed" in as many future conversations as possible.

Anonymous said...

Thanks gentlemen. You have cheered me up. All is not lost.

Crap I just urinated without realizing it. Must go.

Wife in England, therefore many bad things happening till she gets back.

Keep up the brilliant work, or if you wish, get a motel room in Arizona and overdose while watching the US elections.

It's your choice.


Anonymous said...

God, now I remember why I started posting in the first place.

I had a buddy in Montreal, master's student in English, brilliant guy, who used to call Rita McNeil 'eatabigmeal'.

Say it, rhymes perfectly.

Which if you saw Rita you'd get, or whatever.

Night Guys.

Habsfan10 said...

Rita Macneil? World's largest land mammal? My relatives fucking love her.

Of course, they all live in her shadow (literally. They're from Cape Breton. Rita Macneil takes up 10% of the land between Sydney and Antigonish.)

Anonymous said...

Strippers have no soul. They are dead inside. Some smell like they are dead outside as well. Two for Tuesdays!!!

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Good grief!

Looks like somebody may have stumbled upon your meth stash, there HF29. Yikes.