Sens 3, I Want to Sign Up For Eye Amputation

A massive elephant just took out its massive elephant dick and rained Niagara on the Habs parade. No matter who Montreal beats, no matter how high they are perched atop the standings, the Senators just take out their guns and shoot Montreal in the center of its anus. The team walks away with a noticeable limp, having shot itself in the foot moments before.

These Ottawa - Not So Fast, Montreal - Senators are a handful and the Habs are learning that they just don’t match up well with them. As we’ve said before, we now know how the Bruins feel when playing the Canadiens. Hampered by complexes, hesitant, unsure, insecure. Playing the Senators feels like puberty. So while the Habs were busy popping their zits, the Sens squeezed the life out of the team by applying a thorough chokehold at the first drop of the puck. Probably the most stifling game they have been dealt all year.

It was one of those wins that sees you off to bed with a chip on your shoulder, and prompts your better half to ask why you take these things so seriously. It’s one of those games that drops your team from second place to the lower half of the conference playoff seedings. A game that had the opponent skating 60 minutes of flawless hockey, where you realize that you’re just not there yet and that there’s THAT much separating you from this other team.

So how can we illustrate the gap between the Habs and the Sens on this night? Think of this:

· The above-mentioned elephant’s penis, erect
· A 100 person cheerleader pyramid with Manute Bol at the top
· Rita McNeil
· Space between Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale at the dining room table in the first Batman
· Whatever has doubled as Paris Hilton’s cerebral cortex
· The space between Gwyneth Paltrow’s nipples
· The ideological differences between avid Manitoba Polka AM Radio listeners and Al-Qaeda

Good on Martin Gerber for keeping Ray Emery in the House of Dog. You can bet that after having bolted after 30 minutes during the game day practice, management will be pushing for expansion to Karachi to ship his ass off to a life of misery.

You have to admire Ottawa for demonstrating what perfection looks like on a sheet of ice. Jason Spezza did his best Billy Crystal impersonation with a perfect swing of the bat on a border line high stick swat on goal. Terrible outlet passes, dispassionate play, this was the type of poor execution only a death row inmate in Texas would dream of.

The Sens gave the Habs nothing. As much air as Borat had in that “uncomfortable scene” in the movie. Despite having accustomed the fans to miraculous comebacks this year, on this night even the early 1 goal lead seemed insurmountable. Full marks for Alex Kovalev on being the only Hab who tried. His lonely wheels kept turning all night.

There are 2 more of these statement games against the Sens and the Habs better find a way to beat a full Ottawa lineup or connect to a direct line to God to avoid facing these guys and a majestic stomping in the form of a four act play in the later rounds of the playoffs.Don’t hold your breath for a reversal of fortune, with the type of suffocation imposed by the Sens, air will be scarce. Ottawa turned the Habs’ breath into a waning wheeze; they sounded like Darth Vader, with an asthma attack.