Special Jersey Post-Game Edition: Devils 4, Habs Ohhh!

Inspired by a season 1 script. Fugget about it!

(Tv) the Four Habs Fans were arrested last night for having placed illegal bets on a Canadiens game. It is stupidly illegal to bet on the Habs winning in New Jersey. Now in hiding, they have eluded the authorities and are sitting idle, waiting on news to learn who ratted them out (and who bet on the Devils).

HF10: I'd hate to have been there when he got home after that fucking game. I don't know which is more embarrassing: To be caught in a bordello or to be caught at that game with that fucking pathetic excuse for a performance. Can't win a fucking game in Jersey this fucking team. Be that as it may, or whatever, I'm gonna kill the rat bastard who did this, and who bet on the fucking Devils, God forbid.

HF33: Asshole. What's a bordello?

HF29: It's a fancy name for a whorehouse. Don't start, okay?

HF10: It is. Yeah, I know it is I just don't like that talk. This country is light years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution. And a way to beat fucking Martin Brodeur. How the fuck can the Habs let him piss on them every time he plays them? Christ.

Panger: Don't you have somewhere to be?

HF10: I mean it's a joke, he has a career 1.74 G.A.A. against the Habs.

HF29: What a fanouk. 34 wins in 51 games against the Habs. What the fuck were we thinking.

HF10: Don't forget the 8 shutouts.

HF29: Shut up.

HF10: We deserved what we got. Like President Clinton, he got monica kasinski and the broad with the long nose. I just don't think betting for the Habs in New Jersey and sex should be a punishable offense.

HF29: You know, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think that talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. No more sex talk, okay?

HF29's child: It's the '90's, parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children. Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. Out there it's the 1990's but in this house it's 1954. God bless the Rocket Richard. 1990's - 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear anymore sex talk, okay?

Panger: What's with him?

(Doorbell)

HF29: 10, go see who's at the door.

HF10: I'm eating.

HF29: You won't have any teeth left to eat with if you don't get up off your ass and go see who's at the door.

HF33: Make sure you know who it is before you answer it.

Panger: Who is coming at dinner time? We lose 4-0 and haven't had time to stomach it and people just ring at the fucking door?

HF33: People can't call.

HF10: It's uncle Lost Cojones.

Panger: Uncle Cojones! Let him in.

HF29: I don't believe it. How'd you get out? Carm, look who's here. It's Senators Lost Cojones, he's out.

Carm (married to HF29): My god. SLC.

SLC: Thought you'd never see me again, huh carm?

HF29: What happened?

SLC: Long story, you got some place in private we can talk?

HF29: Yeah, in the basement. I got all my Guy Lafleur memorabilia down there.


(they go down to the basement)


HF29: What's going on?

SLC: You got a problem.

HF29: Yeah I know. I'm working on it.

SLC: Your team is slumping. Big time. I don't mean no disrespect but they have lost, what is it 7 of their last 10. Shut out twice in a week. The offense has gone cold. The first line skates like it's got canolis in their asses. Working on what?

HF29: You guys ain't banging fuckin' Sophia Lauren either last time I checked, ya know. Why, what were you gonna say?

SLC: You better lay low with that safe house money. All the cash you won on other bets, cause they're gonna come after you for the cash you lost on this game.

HF29: What are you talking about?

SLC: They were asking me a lot of questions in there. If I knew anything about the new kid, Carey Price. His flaws, his weaknesses. I told them I only saw him play us once. I didn't know enough about him to say.

HF29: You look good.

SLC: Thanks. (awkward pause)...My lawyer told the cops I didn't have to tell em balls about Price. I wasn't responsible for that.

HF29: Good thinking. Missed your calling, should have been a lawyer.

SLC: Please. Enough people hate me.


(A few hours later)

HF33: Get off the phone. I got to go.

HF29: What's up?

HF33: It's Lost Cojones. It's fucking Cojones.

HF10: What?

HF33: The wire, it's fucking Cojones!

HF29: What are you talking about?

HF33: The wire. You understand, the wire. It's fucking Cojones. Holy shit. New fingerprint technique.

HF29: I should have killed him in my fucking basement.

HF10: Both FHF bitter rivals got busted at the same fucking time. Senators Lost Cojones and PPP Pussy. You understand? Two fat fucks with black hair.

HF29: Where the fuck is paulie, er...Panger?

HF10: He called an hour ago. I swear to god he said he's on his way.

HF29: Why the fuck isn't he here now?

HF10: Jesus, tony, er HF29.... You don't think... Panger jumped the gun? You think he may be a Devils fan?

HF29: Shut up, god forbid. God forbid. Don't talk like that. Where's Pussy PPP? Get him on the phone. Get him on the phone.

HF33: Alright.

HF10: I haven't seen him since Panger took him to the schvitz.

(Panger walks in)

Panger: Hey fellas.

HF33: Where the fuck have you been? I've been calling you all night long!

Panger: I was at my gummar's. I told HF33 I was coming.

HF29: You answer me like i'm jesus christ himself. And if you fucking lie to me may your mother die of cancer of the eyes. Where's PPP Pussy?

Panger: I don't know.

HF29: Don't you fucking lie to me.

Panger: What?

HF29: Did you do it?

Panger: 29

HF29: -- don't fucking lie to me. Did you do it?

Panger: No.

HF29: Did you fucking do it?

Panger: No.

HF29: Did you fucking do it? Did you bet on the Devils! Did you tell the cops we bet on the Habs winning in New Jersey! Did you tell them the Devils were on a roll with 5 straight wins and had not lost to the Habs since two thousand fucking two?

Panger: I said no! Now get your fuckin' hands off me. C'mon, 29.

HF29: I'm sorry Panger. I can't find PPP Pussy anywhere. Nobody knows anything. I'm upset the power play went o-3 in the first ten minutes of the game and that Brodeur came out of that period with 16 saves and an ego like the Pope's.

Panger: I haven't seen PPP since the schvitz. Last thing he said to me was "go fuck yourself. Leafs rule."

HF33: That son of a bitch. Did he at least take the schvitz?

Panger: He refused to take his clothes off. The rat. I can't believe even the Kovalev line went cold. Don't you think Chipchura should be bumped up a line. The kid can play. I wanna see him with some scorers on the wings.

HF10: It's fucking SLC. He ratted us. He wants the conference to himself. And control over northeast operations.

HF10: The Habs are slumping 29. Like last year. The slide has begun, god forbid. Maybe we should look at diversifying our interests.

HF29: Fuck it, let's all have a drink. And off to the bing for some strippers. I'm tired of hiding. I love the Habs and I'm tired of fucking hiding it. There's no shame in it. Go Habs go.