Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Come To The Dark Side. We Have Cookies!

Hi. I’m Senators Lost Cojones. Some of you may remember me from such writings as “Héroux: Greatest Hab Of All Time?” and “Bettman vs. Canada: The Sodomite Years”. I have a confession to make. I grew up a Montreal Canadiens fan. That’s right. In my tender years growing up in Cornwall, Ontario (official motto: Come For The Smell, Stay For The EI Cheque!), I bled bleu, blanc et rouge. My family’s Easter dinners were scheduled around Montreal’s playoff games. One of my uncles refused to speak to me for years, after I posited that Les Glorieux’s draft record may not have been so hot. Claude Lemieux’s OT goal in Game 7 of the 1986 Adams Division final against Hartford reigned, until my discovery of the female breast, as the single greatest moment of my life. Then, in October of 1990, coinciding with my attendance at Carleton University (Hog’s Back High – Where the K stands for Kwality!) the NHL gave Ottawa its soul back. For the first time since 1932, Ottawa would have a big-league hockey team. My worlds collided, and I had a choice to make. The seminal moment came on October 8th, 1992. You may remember it. Ottawa 5, Montreal 3 (some things never change). And as I watched a rag-tag group of cast-offs, has-beens and never-will-bees vanquish my boyhood heroes I discovered that I had become a fan. And you can too.

That’s why I’m here. I’m here to show you there is a better way. No longer should you feel obligated by “tradition” or “it’s what my syphilis ridden grandfather would have wanted”. I’m here to say, it’s okay. Come to us. We will welcome you. I’m throwing on my #13 Jamie Baker jersey, pulling up my Laurie Boschman underoos and presenting you with The Top Ten Reasons You Should Abandon Mediocrity And Become A Sens Fan!

#10: Our mascot won’t molest your children. Habfan 29 made much ado about the apparent weakness of Spartacat. But think about it. Which would you trust more with the entertainment of your precious progeny? A cute fuzzy lion dressed up as a hockey player, or a washed up, derelict muppet with a lazy eye on his second job who refuses to wear pants?? Exactly.

#9: Welcome to the New England Patriots of the NHL. Heatley, Fisher, Alfredsson, Volchenkov, and soon to be Spezza, all signed through the 2011 season. That, boys and girls is the making of a dynasty not seen since…well…since 1976. And of course, due to Commissar Bettman’s shrewd leadership, the salary cap can only go up, allowing our Senators to plug in the supporting cast as needed. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. I fully expect to see John Paddock patrolling the Sens’ bench in a sleeveless hoodie by March.

#8: Hockey in May! For those of you previously unaware of the fact, there is hockey being played after the regular season ends. It’s called “the playoffs”. Ottawa has played on or near Victoria Day (that’s Day Of Imperial Oppression for you separatists) every year for the last ten. Come to our side and enjoy the ride!

#7: We don’t worry about dancing leading to touching. There’s a reason Ottawa is known as the “Town that fun forgot”. While Canadiens players are distracted by the cosmopolitan nature of Montreal, the easy commute to your downtown rink, not to mention the most beautiful “danceuses exotiques” in the western hemisphere, if not the world, Senators players have no such problems. Our boys make the hour and half hour (at rush hour…no cushy “Metro” for us) trek to our suburban rink in blissful ignorance of such frivolity. The game is the thing. In fact, I hear Mike Fisher wears a hairshirt and self-flagellates on the way to games. Such dedication, whether by choice or by the fact that there really isn’t anything else to do, only leads to more wins and less “misquotes” to the press. Are you listening Mr. Kovalev?

#6: Our Canadian billionaire owner is better than your American billionaire owner. Eugene Melnyk is a man possessed. He wants that Big Ugly Trophy so badly, he doesn’t care who or what he crushes on the way to getting it. George? Well I’m sure he checks the standings between attempts to cram another blade in our shavers.

#5: We didn’t draft Darcy Tucker. ‘Nuff said.

#4: Rediscover winning! Twenty four Stanley Cups has a way of making a fan base rather blasé. We’re on a 77 year drought. Last year’s Finals only made our hunger and fanaticism that much stronger. I can guarantee you will never hear Ottawa’s mayor issue a directive that the parade “will follow the usual route”. Mostly because he’s an idiot who’s too busy trying to figure out which way to hold his pen. But my point still stands. Come to us, and remember how sweet your first was. Admit it. Nothing else ever feels the same.

#3: We have the most expensive headcases ever. 7 million dollars tied up in two of the weirdest goalies in the League. Gerber Baby signed to be The Guy last season then folded like a cheap suit seven games in after realizing that his new city took hockey rather more seriously than his previous acquaintances made up of NASCAR loving rednecks. Rayzor took over and led us to the Final. On the way, he caused one traffic accident, decided that Mike Tyson was an appropriate role model, ate a cockroach on a bet, and dyed his hair blonde. In training camp he threatened the life of a fellow motorist ( then again, I would have done the same). Christobal Huet? I think he may have once run with scissors. When he was six.


And the number one reason why you should all become Senators fans: You can survey the rest of the sad-sack, craptacular Eastern Conference and with confidence, point and scream: WHO’S YOUR DADDY??


HabsFan29 said...

"Welcome to the New England Patriots of the NHL"

So you're saying you're cheaters?

Good stuff SLC. Particularly enjoyed the Cornwall line.

Anonymous said...

Nicely done!

Aside from Spezza raping Souray on tv, I think I'll stick with the bleu, blanc et rouge.

P.s What the hell was Zednik doing watching Spezza?

Habsfan10 said...

To be fair, that Spezza goal was against Theo and Souray. Run-out-of-town-on-a-rail-in-favour-of-David-Frickin-Aebischer Theo and Sheldon "Minus 28" Souray.

Anonymous said...

Top ten answered,

#10 - Even I’ve been caught with my pant’s down a few times, but never with a cat.

#9 – The Pats are already 3 up.

#8 – Habs kept playing after 1935 and those april Leafs playoff encounters must have escaped your mind.

#7 – I don’t want anything to do with Mistress Fisher!

#6 - Uncle Georges went even further. He bought the soil where the cup takes it’s origins from, Stanley is from Liverpool.

#5 – We didn’t draft Alexandre Daigle.

#4 – How would you know about the first one …

#3 – Do you realise that your $7M would be invested in the ECHL if they where in Montreal.

#2 – Well look’s like you’re out of words.

#1 –I’ve been enjoying the parade in ’93, ’86, ’79, ’78, ’77, ’76, ’73, ’71, ’69 and ’68.

Don't worry, we still like you better than the Leafs.
Big E

Every Hab fan on earth said...

Cojones: While I can appreciate that you are an ardent fan of your team, you have misread why we are Hab fans:

Yes, winning 24 cups in our history and 12 in my lifetime has something to do with it, but there's more...

The city of Montreal - A city of full of beautiful woman, style, class and a nightlife matched no where else

The birthplace of hockey - Don't believe the bullshit fed to us that hockey originated in Nova Scotia

Scoring goals - The Rocket, Le gros Bill, Boom Boom, the Flower

Stopping the Puck - Vezina, Durnan, Plante, Dryden, Roy and maybe Price?

The Montreal Forum

1971, 1986, 1993

Crescent Street, St Denis, St Laurent and many others...

I think you get the point - its not just about hockey. If you can even remotely offer some of what makes this city and its team special, then I might consider your offer.

Somehow, a government town that plays in that shithole called Kanata just doesn't seem to measure up.

Yes you have good team,but WTF do you do after the game????

Besides, we're like your cousins in the NHL and we both despise those assholes in Hogtown.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

And to think I left the Photoshopped Roy/Tremblay/Corey three-way in the bag for fear of being taken too seriously.

Every Hab Fan: All well stated, logical and cogent points. Clearly, that has no place in a piece such as this. And after the game we engage in a spirited session of cow tipping, thank you very much.

Bravo gentlemen! You are to be commended. I can appreciate how losing can be difficult. So there's this game on November 19th...

HabsFan29 said...

I love some good drunken cow-tipping! Or so i've heard. I'm from a city you know.

I am DYING to see that PhotoShop. Though I may have already seen it in a nightmare. I should put that in The Morning Skate

Anonymous said...

When are we getting the "Why we hate the Leafs" piece?

Now that beats cow-tipping any day of the week!

habslove said...

I agree, when are we getting a toronto leafs blog a la New York Rangers? I hate them more than the Sens...

HabsFan33 said...

SLC you are a verbal maestro. Losing has never been so sweet.

lawyergirl77 said...

SLC - that was classic!