So like, hi, and everything? As you know, I'm Ms. Paris Hilton? That's Hot. I was asked to the game last night by Mr. Panger? He's, like, Not, but that's okay cause he kinda-sorta knows about hockey. And I really like hockey, you know? Well, like, really hockey players? And ever since you-know-who, I really like Montreal hockey players? So I'm gonna tell you who's, like, Hot on the Canadiens? And, you know, cause Panger wants to feel involved and everything, I'm going to write some stuff he said, to. (He, like, ALWAYS needs it to be about him, you know?) So here's what I think:
CHicken is Hot. He hasn't scored in, like, forever - but I totally forgive him now, you know? 'Cause he, like, totally gave it to me last night...you know, with that goal in that, like, hockey game...??
Panger says what's even hotter is that we seem to have identified CHicken's upside: a third liner who can also play the powerplay. Kind of like a homeless person's Tomas Holmstrom. Time to accept that we lost the Gui! trade, it seems.
Carey Price is Hot. Well, like, duh, I've been telling people that for, like, forever? And now that he's got that Halak out of the way, Carey is playing, like, really great. (But I have to admit, Jaro had really nice eyes. I just couldn't stand him always talking about his iTunas. He had nicer eyes than Jose, even. Oops, the like, lawyers told me I couldn't talk about him, you know?)
Panger says what's even hotter is the player Lars Eller is going to be plus TFS(tm) for hopefully a lot of years. And with all the best to Jaro, I'm glad the Habs didn't lock into a 4-year deal with that kind of cap hit based on a half season and one magical playoff run. Plus maybe Ian Schultz can punch Chris Neil nice and hard in a few years - if Neil's brain hasn't completely disintegrated by then.
Big Tits is Hot. I know, for obvious reasons, right? Haha. But like, another two goals? And that second goal was like, almost as hot as me, you know?
Pangers says what's even hotter is that, okay now I don't want to jinx him. He got the 'Panger Push'* last week and I won't overdo it. Go Big Tits!
(*Like the "Colbert Bump" - but obviously shorter, balder, less clever or slightly less rich - and somehow, more gay.)
Josh Georges is Hot. Like, who knew a little Toby-Maguire looking kid from a place called Kelowna - seriously - could be so freakin' hot? I think that's in Europe because I think my Daddy owns a house there. I love European guys.
Panger says what's even hotter is that we know where Hamr's cap money is going next year. If Captain Craig Rivet is worth 3.5 Mill and turnover-machine Traitor Mike Komisarek is worth 4.5, what is Georges going to get? Especially now that in addition to being a member of the shut-down pair and a mainstay on the penalty-kill, he's looking pretty decent on the second PP wave. Now if he can manage to avoid getting smoked every game...speaking of which, Chris Neil is single-handedly making a mockery of the NHL's head-shot elimination initiative. And that was just on one shift. Fuck I hate that guy (since he's on another team.)
And as a super-bonus, I'm gonna, like, tell you know who's not hot on the Senators? Alexei Kovalev. Even I won't sleep with him right now. Cold hands - and so selfish.
Panger says what's even hotter is hahahahahahaha. And Gionta's our captain now. Hahahahahaha.
Comments, like, anyone? You know, right?
