TMS for Tuesday, December 29th 2009

Good morning Habs fan!

While HF29 nurses his meth hangover and scoures the gossip pages for celebrity boob, err, I mean his glorious return tomorrow am, here's yesterday's recap:

• Habs lose at their own game as Pascal LeClaire plays Jaro and steals two points that the team in front of him didn't earn. Oh well, you live by the sword, you die by the sword. More on the terrible reffing (on both sides of the puck - calm down SLC) later. Meanwhile, let's hope the troops learned sompin' - like, bury the third fucking goal when you have the chance, motherfuckers.


• Thankfully, Bruins lose too. Let's hope the Lightning have had thier fill of W's for the remainder of the year.


• Eric Staal scores a pair and adds 3 assists as the Canes drop the Caps 6-3. Nice try, Eric, but you're not going to make the Olympic team now. Let's hope the Caps can eventually recover from the devastation of losing their captain (his name was Chris Clark, by the way) to Columbus.


• Flames beat Oilers 4-1 in the latest Battle of Alberta. Let's hope Edmonton fans don't commit mass suicide as a result - mostly because I've got plans to be in Edmonton for New Years and that would be a bummer for me. Well, more of a bummer than spending New Year's in Edmonton.

Over at the WJC, Canada pummels the Swiss 5-0. No swiss cheese jokes here - and not just because goalies always deserve better, so BACK OFF (sorry, a little personal there) - as Swiss 'tender Benjamin Conz stops 94 of 103 shots including the previous game against the USA. (Hmm, maybe the Habs should draft him, he'd feel right at home.) Let's hope the rest of the tourny gives us more than a foregone conclusion - yes, even if it means (shudder) Canada loses a game. Better now than at the Olympics.

32nd Semi-Annual Habs-Bruins Playoff Preview: Goalies and D-Men

If the Fucking Habs are to have a chance at winning this series, TFS (tm) will have to be this hot.

Defense wins championships, as the cliche goes. Right now I'd settle for a first round series win - and if that's gonna happen, the Fucking Habs had better figure out a way to shut down the Broons second-ranked offense. Seriously. The Boo-ins finished right behind Detroit. So let's see how the goaltending and defense stack up.

Masked Men

The Good

TFS (tm) has played way better down the stretch and seems to have gotten his groove back. Halak is way better than Emmanual F.

The Bad

The Broons goalie duo of Tiny Tim and Manny the A-hole won the Jennings trophy for the team giving up the fewest goals. Tiny Tim will also likely be a Vezina trophy candidate (although Luongo is gonna win).

The Ugly

Montreal, on the other hand, finished 20th, giving up 51 more goals. Yeah, that sucks.

In fact, all the stats favour Boston, so lets forget about those.

The Prediction

Let's go with our gut, which tells us that TFS(tm) is going to play every game of this series like game 7 of last year. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim is going to play like a castoff from a second tier European team.

Just keep in mind that our guts have shit for brains.

Blueliners

The Good

Ummm...I think Bob will manage to find 6 healthy defensemen come Thursday. I think.

As dominate as Chara can be, he's also not the most mobile dude at 6'9, and skill guys like Kovy can make him look like Treebeard coming out of the corners. Although he pretty much always looks that way anyway.

The Bad

It starts and ends with the B's Shaved Gorilla. He'll probably play about 45 minutes a game, including all PPs and PKs. Really the Habs best bet is if he gets hurt again. (I hope BGL is reading this. If you are, Google "Bobby Clarke" and "Valeri Kharlamov".)

I hate to say it, but it's clear Montreal has no one to match Treebeard. Two weeks ago I'd have no problem saying that, as a unit, I'd pick Montreal's group 1 through 6 over the Broons collection of Treebeard and 5 guys no one outside Bahsten has ever head of, except maybe Wideman. But after the fucking Leafs game...well, just another reason to wish that Grabitchski gets gang raped in a Belorussian prison.

The Ugly

Markov is hurt and even if he plays he won't be the impact player he has to be. The Semetic Saviour has been an inspiration playing hurt, but a 39-year-old with a bad wing isn't going to carry a team into the finals. DOOM needs to play like he did last year, not the mediocre play of this season. And he needs to plant Lucic 5 times a game. Hamr's contract is looking like more and more of an albatross. I love Georges, but he's not a difference-maker. And if Breezer is among our leading scorers again...kill me now. Franky B is probably playing for a contract - and Rhino for a career - but neither is likely to have much of an impact, if they play at all.

The Prediction

I fucking hate to say this, but the Shaved Gorilla is the major difference here - unless someone can render him ineffective (read: Gillooly him). Of course, IF: Markov makes a miraculous recovery; Hamr forgets he's old; Gorges morphs into Guy Lapointe; and Breezer spontaneously combusts; THEN, we have a chance.

So what I'm saying is that we have hope.

And not much else.

FHF Rates the Supermodels, er, Previews Habs-Bruins: The Basics

Brooklyn Decker rates an 8 out of 10. She loses 2 points for agreeing to marry Andy Roddick

Welcome one and all to the always highly-anticipated FHF posting of hot chicks, er, playoff hockey analysis! The annual FHF board meeting / group meth binge has finally taken place, and the only thing we could all agree on through our meth-rage was that supermodels are super. So here they are.

Over the next couple of days we'll take a look at the forwards, D, goalies, and maybe some other crap in this epic battle that we've all seen before. We'll top it off on Thursday with our first ever sequel, "Ten More Things We Hate About the Bruins." To set it all up, here are some basic facts that you will not know if you have been hiding out at Chez Parée for the last 30 years, Actually, given the number of hockey players who go to Chez Parée, being in there for 30 years you probably know more about hockey than us:

• This Adams Division semi-final Eastern Conference quarter-final is a best of seven series in a 2-2-1-1-1 format (I told you these facts are basic). Who remembers the best of three series that existed in the 70's?
• A Habs-Bruins playoff series has happened thirty-one times already. 31! That's fucking INSANE. Habs have won 24 of the 31 including last year's, meaning... absolutely fuck all;
• Habs only managed one measly shootout win against the B's this year;
• Bruins ended up with 23 more points and 12 more wins than the Habs;
• With that said, DOOM had this to say about the series: "It doesn't really matter what's gone on in the season. What people care about is how you finish and what you do in the playoffs. We've accomplished our goal (of) extending our season and now that we're here, anything can happen. It's all about the now, not what's gone on in the past." Amen, brother. And we'll just ignore that "how you finish" part;
• Here's the series in a nutshell, courtesy Robert over at EOTP.

As HF10 said, it is so on, you black and gold wearing fuckers.

We Still Loath the Broons, but Tonight's About the Penguins: Game Preview and Open Thread

After seeing this picture, Panger bought a Tuxedo and booked a flight to Antarctica.

Last game of the season? Wow, has it been 90 games (including 9 exhibition) already? It seems like just yesterday the Fucking Habs were getting pasted 8-3 by Boston in Halifax. It was September 22 you say? Wow. No more time t0 look back - although I'm sure that will happen soon enough - as the Fucking Habs must win today to avoid playing the Broons in the first round. Is facing the Ovie-led Caps any better? I say yes, because frankly I'm just sick of playing Boston, and if we lose to them (I have a sneaking suspicion this is not an upset year) I'll have to join HF10 in ritual hari-kari. Yes, we're both samurai.

Anywho, me likie the bullet points as much as HF29, so let's set up this regular season finale, FHF style:

• 7:00pm EDT/ 5:00pm MDT, Bell Centre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, The World.
• Saturday night means CBC and RDS. Although I'm not sure if the Montreal game will be available anywhere but Quebec as the CBC will probably pimp two non-playoff Southern Ontario-based teams nationwide (I'll let you figure out which), giving Don Cherry one last chance to give the Leafs a verbal blowjob.
• I'm praying the this is the last regular season game for Homer Brunet. Fucking idiot. Please wake up, Mr. Head-of-RDS-On-Air-Talent, and bring back Yvon.
• While they are still officially in Fucking Habs territory with three straight losses, it was encouraging to see them outplay Boston in the last half of the game, and not fall for Boston's goonery/bafoonery. Speaking of which, I'm now officially gay for Micheal Komisarek: all is forgiven Doom. Just wanted to share.
• Oh, and before I forget: fuck that little fucktard Lucic and that Shaved Gorilla, Chara.
• After looking like they'd be playing golf come April only a couple of months ago, the Pens have a shot (albeit slim) at 4th. They've won 3 in a row and 7 of 10, and they've got something to play for. Terrific!
• Apparently Bob is panicin...err juggling his lines tonight: Saks plays with the Hands of Stone, BGL and Stewart (do we not have a nickname for this guy yet?), Metro plays with Kovy, Tangy gets a rest and Rhino gets his ass nailed to a press box seat. TFS (tm) starts - not surprising since he loves to play the guy who went higher than him in the 2005 draft.
• Headline: Penguins Summon Satan. I haven't even read it, but I can tell you that this is a great article, just for the title. Here's praying (pun intended) he signs with the Devils in the offseason. Of course I've said that for the last 10 years.
• ZombiePleks has now gone 12 straight without seeing red. But he promises he'll turn it on in the playoffs. Peest, Pleks: It's not a switch. It's called going to the net. Look into it. Big Tits has taken up residence in this bullet, too.
• Gino Malkin has to qualify as the hottest player in the league this season, as he leads Ovie by 4 points with a game left for each. Sid the Kid gets an honourable mention for sticking up for his league-leading teammate by fighting Keith Ballard. Here's the tape. I can only assume this is from a Cats broadcast because there is no way that Ballard "cleaned Crosby's clock". (And yes, broadcasters, when your team's leading scorer gets hammered, you DO have to respond.)
• After starting out hot playing next to Sid, Bill Guerin has come back to earth like John Glenn: too old to think he'll ever go back up. MA Fleury is cold, too, giving up 4 goals a game the past couple, with a GAA well below .900 (that's bad).
• For more Pens-friendly fare, follow Rhonda's Penguin Obsession.
• No strip club tonight kids, it's Holy Saturday. Go pray to your gods.

Two quizzes for the commentators tonight: first, who would you rather play, Boston or Washington, and show your work. Second, let's get Gregory Stewart a nickname, he's earned it.