The Battle of the 49th Parallel: Canada-USA Preview and Open Thread

FUCK YEAH HOCKEY GOLD MEDAL GAME BITCHES!!!! Does it get any more exciting than this? I think not. Before we dive in to some hockey, let us review yesterday around the Olympics, shall we:

Curling - GOLD BITCHES!!!
Snowboard parallel GS - GOLD MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Long track team pursuit - GOLD SUCKAS!!!
Four-man bobsleigh - A delightful bronze.

Congrats to all. Special shout out to Jasey-Jay Anderson who has represented Canada for a very long time around the world, winning World Cups and World Championships along the way but never medaling at 3 previous Olympics. You've always held your head high, and now you've got what you've deserved all along.

OK enough of looking back, we've got a great fucking game to look forward to. 3 PM on CTV. Canada looking for redemption for losing to the USA in the round robin, USA looking for redemption for losing to Canada in the 2002 gold medal game. One McSplooge employer vs. another McSplooge employer. OK that made me sick. Let's try some actual hockey analysis, with a little breakdown of Canada vs. USA like TSN's Panel I'm Totally Sick Of did this morning:

Goalies - LOOOOUUU!!!! has played solid since taking over from Brodeur. Showed some real balls against Slovakia by letting in a crappy goal then coming back to make some huge saves to secure the win. On the other hand, Ryan Miller is the best goalie on the planet right now by far, and went a long way to stealing that game in the round robin.
Significant Edge: USA.

Defence - Canada's young guns of Keith, Doughty and Weber have been a revelation, and Niedermayer is picking it up as the games go on. Subtract one point for Chris Pronger who blows. For the USA, Brian Rafalski may be the best D in the tournament, and actually leads the Americans in points. And the American D has been getting better as a unit as the tournament has gone on.
Edge: Canada, for the depth.

Forwards - Patrick Kane came alive with 2 goals against the Finns. Zach Parise has been one of the best players in the tournament. For Canada, Ryan Getzlaf has had a great tournament, and my whipping boy at the beginning Brendan Morrow has turned out to be a key player. Jonathan Toews has really shown some mettle. On the other hand, the fact that we're talking about Getzlaf and Morrow instead of superstars like Crosby and Nash makes me nervous.
Slight Edge: Canada, again for depth.

Intangibles - Canada playing on home ice in our national game for all the marbles. However, there is a ton of pressure for Canada playing on home ice in our national game for all the marbles. Are the Americans just too young? Can Ron Wilson lead a team to a championship? Canada hasn't played an afternoon game all tournament, while the USA has played most of their games at that time. The Americans have the last line change, which might be huge.
Slight Edge: Canada, for the home crowd.

Female actress on Lost - Evangeline Lily up there vs. Maggie Grace. Call it a push.

Winner: You think I'm jinxing anything by picking a winner? Let's just hope the winner isn't somehow Gary Bettman.

OK grab a brew, or in kevincrumbs' case that swill you Americans call brew, and let's do this thing.

Canadian Olympic MILF Hottie of the Day and a Canada-Germany Preview and Open Thread

After talking about her for 10 days, please finally say hello to Canadian curling skip Cheryl Bernard, still looking gorgeous at 43. She's even caught the eye of ESPN's Sports Guy. Man she looks angry at a rock. Yesterday she led our gals to a big win over the world champion silver medalist Swedes and it wasn't even close. Clinched their spot in the semi-finals. Between Cheryl's team and the men, our curlers are kicking ass. Too bad there are only 2 medals available.

Speaking of medals, GOLD MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! I of course didn't watch because ice dancing is stupid, but major congrats to Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir and their gold. I may think ice dance is stupid, but being the youngest ice dance champs ever and being the first North American gold medalists in the event are serious fucking accomplishments.

In our non medal-winning performance of the day, big props to our men's cross-country team of Kershaw and Harvey (they have names!), who ended up 4th in the sprint relay. For the second time this Olympics, that's the best result ever for Canadian men cross-country skiers. Alex Harvey is just a kid and I predict now he will medal in 2014 (he'll choke).

OK, bring on the hockey. If we have to. 730 PM on CTV against the Germans. Not much to say. Luongo is getting the start and there's no more fucking around now, lose and we're fucked. And we better start playing some much better hockey or we'll be fucked anyway come tomorrow when we would be playing a real team in the Russians. In practice yesterday, Crosby had Iggy and Staal as his wingers. Let's hope Babcock keeps Iggy there, and keeps the aging D-men on the bench.

The best part about this game will be the viewing. Yours truly is gathering with HF4, Panger, LG77 and Mrs. Nussbaum for the first-ever drunken FHF Olympic hockey viewing summit. Film at 11.

Canadian Olympic Hottie of the Day

This is Meghan Agosta, a fine member of our women's hockey team. She plays with her teammates tonight at 8 PM in the semi-finals. We are rooting like hell for the women, because...

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE MEN SUCK. Look out, I'm alarmist again! But seriously, that sucked. Canada loses to the U.S. 5-3. Martin Brodeur, Chris Pronger, and Scott Niedermayer all need to be put out to pasture now. The TSN panel this morning said "Brodeur's resume gave him the right to start this tournament." Well, resumes can't play the motherfucking puck. Did no one notice Marty came into the Olympics playing really shaky hockey? Did anyone notice Pronger and Niedermayer are old and slow? Why do we have so few skilled players Brendan fucking Morrow is playing the PP? I will give some credit to Ryan Miller who played a great game and made many many many saves. But still, double meh. Anyway, next up is the Germans (oooh, the Germans) in the qualification round tomorrow. Because of course, what the old fart trio needs is another game to play.

Major mazel tov to Kristina Groves who nabbed a silver in the 1500m to rescue another otherwise crappy day. Lots of chokage notably in men's ski cross and two-man bobsled.

Finally, our deepest sympathies to figure skater Joannie Rochette, who tragically lost her mother a mere 24 hours after her parents arrived in Vancouver to cheer her on. Joannie says she will still go ahead and skate starting tomorrow, and we'll have a prayer and a cheer for her no matter where she finishes.

Canadian Olympic Hottie of the Day and a Canada-Norway Preview and Open Thread

I am pleased to introduce you to Kimiko Zakreski. She is a Canadian snowboarder who competes in the parallel Giant Slalom, which goes on February 26th. She probably has no chance for a medal, but who gives a fuck? Look at her. I'm in love. Er, I mean as long as she does her best, we'll be proud of her.

We're also proud of yesterday's medalist, Mike Robertson, a silver in men's snowboard cross, the most kick-ass extreme sport ever to make it into the Olympics. Also let's highlight Erig Guay's 5th in the men's downhill. A quality result. A true Canadian enjoys a quality result. We are not proud of VANOC's inability to have a working zamboni. Fucking embarrassment for Canada if you ask us.

In "Habs around the Olympics" news, Big Tits will not play for Belarus despite rumours he might. Vodkov, on the other hand, is good to go for Russia, as you can see.

So at 7:30 EST this evening on CTV, our Canadian boys make their debut on the ice. They face the powerful and scary Norwegians. Ha. Norway is currently ranked 11th in the world. That's actually not too bad, but really, Norway? If there was actual speed skating involved maybe I'd be worried. Luongo is getting the start. Team Canada has beaten Norway 3 times in Olympic competition in the past.

Anyway, if you're so inclined, feel free to bring on the snark about Ryan Getzlaf's ankle and your fears about our all of a sudden very shaky goalies in the comments.