Monday, May 31, 2010

The Morning Skate for Monday, May 31st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the smoke monster blanketing Montreal...
  • Bye bye Boucher? Hamilton coach and the Columbus BJ's have been given permission to chat about the BJ's coaching job (lap dance to commentor jesse);
  • Development camp? Tomorrow? What month is this?
  • At least the Habs' latest American College defenseman (via the Swedish Elite League) signing has a cool name. We're already calling him "Klubber";
  • In case you were away all weekend or something, apparently Michael Leighton is a sieve. Too bad no one told the Habs. Game 2 of the Finals goes tonight at 8 PM EST, and Leighton will start again;
  • Game 1 of the Finals got some decent TV ratings for NBC, if "decent" means "better than rodeo";
  • We got some email from a PR flack about NHL's Goal of the Year competition. Already the only Hab has been eliminated.
Happy Monday everyone. Monday blows.

Friday, May 28, 2010

It's sorta almost kinda official: party at Panger's February 20, 2011

The NHL has confirmed that the the league "hopes to play an outdoor regular season game in Canada next season and will be discussing the plan with the Competition Committee in June." It will be a "Heritage Classic" and have the Habs play the Flames at McMahon, as per the artist's rendering above.

FHF pre-game festivities begin at 9 AM at Panger's. I've been told it's BYOB, but he will be supplying mixers and washroom facilities. Please wipe your feet before entering the house.

The Morning Skate for Friday, May 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the elimination of the penny...
  • Holy crap, there is some actual news! Of a Habs nature! All sorts of reports have the NHL announcing today that the Caps and the Pens will play the Winter Classic in Pittsburgh. Ha! That's not the news. The news is that there will be a second outdoor game, the Habs and Flames at McMahon Stadium, sometimes in February. Pre-game tailgating at Panger's house! The game will be celebrating the fact that a Chinook can make Calgary +15 Celsius in February;
  • It will cost you more to go the Bell Centre next year. Stop complaining, you can afford it;
  • Who wants to chip in with us to buy Paul Henderson's Game 8-worn 1972 jersey?
  • This year's Russian players to the KHL rumours include Kovalchuk and Frolov;
  • Apparently the Stanley Cup Finals start tomorrow night at 8 PM in Chicago. Consider that your preview.
BTW, when we wrote previously that we'll have a Pantscast "in the coming days" we of course meant "in the coming weeks." It's scheduled though, and it has a special guest! We hope Mom of HF29 likes Hurleys.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Let the off-season begin with an open thread of love!

Oh, hello there. It's about fucking time we wake up from our end of post-season stupor, turn the lights back on and get back to "work", such as it is. We're happy you're still out there reading.

Before we move on, a quick note about the past that I'm not here to talk about. We have read all your comments on the last post and we were quite touched. We appreciate everything you've said about us and really, it made it all worthwhile. Writing (and photoshopping) is boring unless you know there's people out there enjoying what you've done. So thanks. And really, the site is about you guys too. What we write (and photoshop) is only half the fun. Reading the genius and witty comments makes it worthwhile to us. Many (if not most) sports blogs have fucking idiots for commentors. We do not. That's fucking awesome, so again, thanks.

OK forward! Uh, yeah. We'll figure out something to talk about soon. We keed. This is our annual "we're not going anywhere for the summer" post. We've got plenty of UFA and RFA Habs to talk about. I guess there is still a Stanley Cup Final to play. No doubt a Kostitsyn will get arrested soon so we'll cover that. I'm sure we'll also talk some World Cup, considering you've got 4 FHF's who are rabid English / French / Italian / Dutch supporters. It could get ugly. There will be chicks. We'll find plenty of other crap to fill the time, not to worry.

We do have some recapping of the season to do first though. By popular demand (2 people!), we'll have an end of season Pantscast in the coming days. Maybe we'll also write some shit too. You never know.

For now, open thread this baby to your heart's content. Go you fucking Bulldogs go. We love you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


So many ups and downs, so much drama. The most magic we've seen in years coupled with the most gut wrenching hockey experience we can remember. I honestly believe my heart couldn't tolerate more of this.

Our traditional call to black has arrived. We must go mourn now.

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's all over tonight - Habs/Flyers Game 5 Preview and Open Thread

So tonight it comes to end. The thrilling action. The unrelenting drive of our heroes. Good versus evil. The love. The hate. The explosions. The ridiculous yet entertaining story lines. The frustration. Fuck, it's been one hell of a wild ride. Over all this time, nothing has been crazier. You can say a lot of things about it, but you can't deny it's been an amazing run. And tonight it's all over. 24 is no more.

Oh, you thought I meant the Habs' playoffs? Don't be silly. Habs got 'em right where they want 'em.

7:00 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - the hour when we'll know all we need to know. On the plus side if we lose tonight, the torture (see what I did there?) of our Bob Cole et CBC al national nightmare will finally be over.

Hot like naked Mandy - The Flyers, especially Michael Leighton and Claude Giroux.

Cold like the bodies of Teri, George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, Edgar, Michelle, Tony (he's dead to me), Curtis, Nina, David Palmer, Bill Buchanan, Renee, a shitload of bad guys, and several thousand innocent bystanders - The Habs, especially, uh, everyone. If I was forced to pick someone, we'll go with Pleks.

Wounded like CHase's severed hand - Pyatt's upper body. DarCHe takes his spot.

Evil like a Drazen, Logan, Sherry Palmer, any male Bauer not named Jack, any number of Russians, and any number of Middle Eastern dudes from unspecified or fictitious Middle Eastern countries but really they were Middle Eastern don't forget that - Despite her allegiances, Kristin is not really evil.

10:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - the hour when you can either weep or masturbate to an Elisha Cuthbert photo gallery. Or both I guess. Kim Bauer will always be special to FHF. Stupid cougar.

Let's hear your memories of either the playoff or 24 run in the comments. Maybe for the last time, GYFHG.

The (probably last) Game Day Skate for Monday, May 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the end of Lost...
  • Well the Sharks did better than they usually do, but that ain't much, so it's the Blackhawks who are off to the final, after a 4-2 win to sweep the series. Congratulations, blah blah;
  • The Czechs upset the mighty Russians to win gold at the I;
  • Habs-Flyers roundup: more Jack Todd if you can stand it, underdog yada yada, what John Leclair thinks of all this, and Flyers fans laughing at us.
Happy Victoria Day / Dollard Day / Journée des patriotes, whatever. Season ends tonight. Oh maybe we should put a question mark after that.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Montreal Summer Games of the 25th Stanley Cupiad: Habs-Flyers Game 4 Preview and Open Thread

Of all days where you expect families to fight about hockey and how it takes life over, this is the one. 30 degrees on a Saturday? Let's take the kids to the parc! Let's go fly a kite on the Mont-Royal, let's practice lamaz on the rooftops, let's take the sun in and just be free and young and vulnerable.

No, honey, there's a game and it's at 3 in the afternoon.

I'm a divorce lawyer. I should be expecting some calls this week. I've arranged for my secretary to clear my schedule.

The Bell Centre has anticipated the problem and so instead of a zamboni cleaning the ice in between periods, a machine will flood the surface and turn in into a swimming pool for families to enjoy. Hurrraaay!!!! The weekend is saved!!!!!!! Sand in the prestige section, beach balls, BBQ, the works.

Things are already sizzling though because, game 3 featured what you finally can expect from this rivals. A rivalry. Intensity. It would be nice though from a neutral perspective to have both teams show up for work for the very first time in the series.

Habs have only accomplished half of the first portion of this endeavour; they needed both wins at home to avoid going back to Philly down 3 games to 1.

So a win today and spending the day in a concrete cavern with air conditioning won't feel so bad.

Small post so you can all enjoy the weather and come back later.

When: 3 p.m. call my secretary to book an appointment.

Where: Bell Centre, RDS, CBC, NBC, Versus (really, who gets versus)

Who's 30-degree hot? Meagan Fox, Ste-Catherine street today, PK, Cammy, Gio and the like.

Who's AC cold?: I'm not jinxing anybody, except you, Marc-Andre Bergeron and you, Benoit Pouliot.

Adult entertainment: Hot, hot, steamy, sweat dripping down your back, reach for that cold ice water afterwards, gardening. Get your ass out there and make amends for spending the afternoon indoors.

Who's hot, you're hot, I'm hot, she's hot....

Friday, May 21, 2010

A New Hope

That's right, we're invoking the Holy Trilogy. Jump back on that bandwagon, all you bandwagon jumpers, the Evil Philadelphic Empire and their eviler leader, Darth Bobby, are blowing up.

Not so long ago, in a part of the NHL not all that far away...


Episode IV - A NEW HOPE

It is a period of playoff war.
Rebel Canadiens, inspired by
a huge fan base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Philadelphic Empire.

During the battle, Hab
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Empire's
ultimate weapon, the MICHEAL
LEIGHTON, an armored crease
dweller with enough quickness
to destroy an entire city's hopes.

Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Martine relaxes at home solo,
custodian of the
stolen plans that can save her
players and restore
Tradition to the Habs' galaxy....

Princess Martine: [in a holo message] General Kirk Kenobi: Years ago, you served one of my many predecessors in the '93 Wars; now the same organization begs you to help it in its struggle against the Evil Empire. I regret that I am unable to present the fan's request to you in person; but I'm afraid to speak to the players during the game and I'm afraid my mission to bring the Cup back to Montreal has failed. I've placed information vital to the survival of the Canadiens into the memory systems of this R2 unit. The players will know how to retrieve it; I just don't know how to communicate with them. You must see that puck is safely delivered behind LEIGHTON. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Kirk Kenobi; you're our only hope.

Kirk: I have something here for you. The fans wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but Uncle George wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Kirk on some damn fool idealistic crusade for the Cup like the fans wanted.
Squid Skywalker: What is it?
Kirk: Easton's lightest composite. This is the weapon of a Habs Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a wood stick; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the Habs Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Hockey World. Before the dark times... before the Empire.
Squid: How did the Tradition die?
Kirk: A young, ugly skater named Darth Bobby, who was a hero of mine until he turned to evil, tried to help the Empire hunt down and destroy the Habs Knights in the 70s. He betrayed and murdered skilled hockey. Now the Tradition is all but extinct. Bobby was seduced by the dark side of the Hockey Force.

Squid: So. You'll get your reward for two rounds and you're just leaving, then?
Jar Solo: That's right, yeah. Got some old debts in Bratislava I gotta pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? With Carey Price still around? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. We could use you.
Squid: Come on. Why don't you take a look around; look at all those towels. You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good goalie like you, you're turning your back on the fans.
Jar Solo: What good is a reward if you ain't around to use it? One more game in that crease and I'm a dead man. Besides, attacking that MICHEAL LEIGHTON is not my idea of courage. It's more like, suicide.
Squid: [angry] Okay. Take care of yourself Jar. I guess that's what you're best at isn't it?
Jar Solo: [as Squid walks away] Hey, Squid. May the Force be with you.
What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doin'. Got us through two rounds already, didn't I?

Darth Bobby: I've been waiting for you, Kirk. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now *I* am the master.
Kirk: Only a master of evil, Bobby.

Darth Bobby: [zeroing in on Squid's knees] I have you now!
[one of Bobby's Storm troopers, Scott Hartnell, is stoned by Jar Solo]
Darth Bobby: What?
Jar Solo: YAHOOO!
[the Millenium Glovehand appears]
Rhino: Look out!
[Jar fires out his glove again, a second storm trooper, Mike Richards, collides with Hartnell, sending him careening away]
Jar Solo: You're all clear, kid, now let's *blow* this thing and go home!
[the Millenium Glovehand leads the remaining rebel Canadiens to the offensive zone; Squid fires, the puck dives down behind the goal line as the MICHEAL LEIGHTON explodes]

Back on the Tradition bandwagon? Tell us about your favorite Habs/Star Wars memories in the comments.

The Midnight Skate for Friday, May 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of an awesome Sexy Friday alternate version...
  • FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS WE HAVE A SERIES BITCHES. Well, for 48 hours at least. Well, less than 48. Habs 5, Fuckhead Flyers 1. Guess you'd have to call it a team effort. When Hamr (2A, +4, 1 fight) is the first star, you know you've got some unsung heroes. PFuckingK with 3A. Pyatt-Dominictrix-Laps are going to need some sort of nickname after being all over the ice and in the Flyers face AND racking up 2 goals. Jaro recaptured the "hot playoff goalie" tag from Leighton. Even The Urologist got off the schneide, albeit in garbage time. Chris Pronger is a -3 asshole. More later today;
  • Did you know there was a Canada-Russia game yesterday? Probably not. Good thing you missed it, because Canada is now coming home the seventh best hockey country in the world after a 5-2 loss in the quarters of the I;
  • The wacky tale of a Pat Hickey, his license plate, and a Facebook photo.
Don't know what a win will do to the trolls, but this is your friendly morning-ish reminder to starve 'em. So we were getting nervous we would never have the chance to post long-form video highlights after an Eastern Conference Final win. Thank fucking god we're an idiot. Roll tape.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm Surrounded by Assholes - Game 3 Preview, Open Thread and Manifesto

I'm Surrounded By Assholes! Game 3 Preview, Open Thread and Manifesto

You know, lately I've been thinking about assholes. Trolls, biased announcers, orange-clad bastards hammering the glass, vandalizing reporter's cars and pouring beer on RDS trucks. Flyers fans can be assholes. Philly fans in general have a reputation as assholes. So do New Yorkers (Rangers and Yankees and Jets fans, mostly),and Bostonians (Red Sox and Bruins in particular). Leafs fans are a different kind of bitter, snarky "why does everyone hate us" asshole. Canadiens fans keep talking about how Montreal is better than that ... how we don't troll, don't abuse opposing fans, blah blah blah. How we're classy. How our grandfathers and dads went to the Forum in suits and ties.

But let's look at the facts: Montrealers riot. Montrealers boo the hell out of opposing players for whatever perceived slight. Montreal fans turn on their own players like vipers. Montreal fans act all smug and arrogant and throw around "24 Cups" and "1967" a lot considering we are 17 years and counting. We're assholes but not to the proper level. We're hated for all the wrong reasons.

Here's the thing, folks: It's not 1950 anymore. It's not 1977. It's not even 1986 or 1993. It's been 14 years since the Forum got mothballed, 15 years since a true francophone superstar dazzled in bleu, blanc et rouge. Almost 2 decades of rudderless management and a corresponding young fanbase that doesn't know anything else. You can't tell me that this franchise and its fans haven't changed. It's all changed, baby. But it hasn't changed for the better or worse. It's changed for the half assed. Montreal fans are caught between the old guard, the "Rocket Beliveau Roadrunner Lafleur ruled, Patrick Roy disgraced the jersey and shouldn't have his number in the rafters" crowd, and the new breed, the "Roy is the greatest of all time why'd we get rid of a superstar like Kovy, Ole ole ole" generation. This team and its fanbase need an identity, and there's only one way to go: ASSHOLE.

Yeah, I said it. It's time to stop half-assing the assholeishness and get serious. More riots! More booing! Senseless violence! Attacking team buses! Mother insults! Looting liquor stores? Amateur hour. Loot the fucking Seagram's distillery, dammit! Enough with being "sort of" assholes. It's go-time for douchebaggery and mindless violence folks! Fewer ties and suits, more tire irons! Less classy, more Clockwork Orange!

Instead of booing the national anthem, pelt the first American in opposing colours with batteries! Instead of shouting "1967" at Leafs fans, bring up the Maple Leaf Gardens sexual abuse ring! Stop answering opposing fan taunts with "Ole ole" and start answering with folding chairs! Talk up the 24 Cups even more. When some asshat starts talking shit about "50 mile rules" or Montreal getting to protect all the French players, don't set him straight with the actual facts ... tell him he's right, the Habs cheated for 50 years and we'd fucking do it all over again! Hell, they all think that's what happened anyway. Tell them we rigged the fucking Lafleur draft too!

And what of the team itself? The Flying Frenchmen aren't walking through that door, folks. The Smurfs aren't the answer. Want to cultivate this asshole image to the max? It's time for a full on, cheapshotting, dirty, diving, Max Lapierre as captain with the Kostitsyn's wearing A's trainwreck of asshole-osity. Big(ger) drug parties. Hookers. Off ice fights. On ice fights. Carey Price getting 16 year old girls pregnant during intermission and smoking on the ice. Trading for Chris Higgins and his dealer back. Retiring John Kordic's number. Making the spear in the nuts our signature offensive play. Denis Leary as coach. Rush Limbaugh as PR director. Replacing the little kids with the flags with Hell's Angels. A 200 foot billboard of PK Subban giving Leafs fans the finger in Yonge Dundas Square in Toronto. A traveling fan base that makes English football fans look like an actuarial conference.

Josh Gorges needs to start growing a bad goatee and celebrating victories by spitting at opposing fans. Jacques Martin needs to channel Reggie Dunlop. We need to trade to get Grabovski back. Komisarek too. And Milan Lucic. Let's get Claude Lemieux out of retirement. Hire Patrick Roy as GM. Start calling the kids at the annual Children's Hospital Christmas party weaklings and lazy for staying in bed all day. Ask Jacques Parizeau to write the season tickets application with "No ethnics need apply" stamped across the top. Turn the Molson Zone into a Champagne room, and the red seats into a Molson Zone. Start handing out commemorative coins to throw at referees at home games. Change the logo from CH to FTW.

Everyone already hates the Canadiens and their fans. We might as well make it worth their while. Consider this the call to asshole.

Stuff you namby-pamby sissy fans probably care about:

Game time 7:00 pm at the (Ring your fucking) Bell Centre, on some shitty US Stations and the dumbass CBC and RDS.

Stupid overrated child abuser Michael Leighton (whose mama is a ho) starts for Philly because he's a lucky jerkoff who has a billion minute shutout streak. Useless flash-in-the-pan-not-nearly-as-good-as-that-fucking-Price-dude Jaroslav Halak gets the nod for Montreal.

Illegitimate child of a Chicoutimi hooker Jacques Martin says badass mofo Ryan O'Byrne may dress in place of useless sack of shit Mathieu Darche as Habs go to 7 defencemen. Terrible waste of skin Chicken also back in favour of awesome Belarussian shit-disturber and partyboy Little Tits.

Cheap dirty lucky Flyers make no changes, except Scott Hartnell's wife, who changed the motel she frequents with all his teammates. Daniel Briere changed his purse to match the Flyers faggotty white road unis.

You got something to say, fuckface? Add it in the damn comments. Or don't. We'll be too busy punching Flyers fans in the throat and flipping cars to notice.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, May 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Cyclopsian Olympic mascots...
Since this pathetic excuse for a post contains no original material whatsoever, please scroll down to read HF4's historical brilliance from late yesterday. This is your morning reminder not to feed the trolls. And speaking of comments, there were some issues last night with comments vanishing into the ether. It was a Blogger problem that was happening to hundreds, possibly thousands, possibly millions of blogs. We have no idea if it's fixed. You get what you pay for.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Escaping Philadelphia: We Are Now Free - Flyers 9- Habs 0

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one team to undo the total jinxes which have connected them with the possibility of imminent sweepage, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of the national hockey league and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind and to the law of hockey averages requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to stop sucking donkey cock.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, but that Scott Hartnell was made ugly, that they are endowed, and that Jaro Halak is well endowed, by their Coach with certain unalienable rights, that among these are goals, assists and the pursuit of the Stanley Cup. That to secure these rights, teams are created among men, deriving their powers from the consent of the Bettman. For should the Bettman wish to see you fail, he will call the referees of the world against you and make them blow their mighty whistle, again, and again, and again. That whenever any Canadiens become destructive and appear heading towards sweepage, it is the right of the people to request that Marc-André Bergeron see limited ice time and that he not be allowed to use a stick.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the Canadiens long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; but the complete absence of goal scoring and interest in life, or of persistent hockey becoming of an asshole requires a verbal ass-whooping by the Coach. All experience hath shown that Habs fans are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable such as the top shelf habits of a Daniel Brière, may the Lord castrate this native son, than to right themselves by abolishing the goal scoring to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, a word most Flyer fans do not know, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce goal scoring under the absolute despotism of tyrannical Flyers fans, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw the book on this series out and start anew with a plan that would include scoring goals, and to provide new hope for their fans who have contemplated bridges to jump off.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these fans, 17 years. 17 years waiting in desperate agony for this display of impotence; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of suckage which is leading them to the territory of sweepage. The history of the present team is a history of repeated injuries, to Markov, Gill and more, but also one of defiance, defiance of what some have deemed the impossible, or what the Bettman has called the unwanted.

To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid word. Go, you fucking Habs.

At least we can stop waiting for him to come back

The Habs have announced that Vodkov had successful knee surgery today to repair the torn ACL suffered in Game 1 against the Pens. His recovery may take up to 6 months.

It's OK, we have PFK. They're like the same player.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, May 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of living in Thailand right now...
  • Well, now you can panic if you want to. But only if you want to. Flyers 3, Habs 0. More of the same - Habs can't solve Leighton early (or ever), Habs take some penalties, our D gets pushed around, Flyers score PP goals, game over. At least our goals against were cut by half! Meh;
  • Hawks win their seventh straight on the road in the playoffs, 4-2 over the Sharks. Hey, at least Habs didn't lost the first two at home!
  • Canada will be forced to play Russia in the quarters of the I after losing to the Czechs.
This is our morning plea to not feed the trolls, who we expect will be out in full force today. Please direct your rage at CBC or JM instead.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

DON'T PANIC: Habs-Flyers Game 2 Preview and Open Thread

OK, let's admit it - Game 1 was a disaster. We sucked balls. We actually got some scoring chances (especially in the first) and Leighton played well, but really, our hearts weren't in it. We were undisciplined. Jaro was meh. Whether it was fatigue catching up to us, rust, a great Phlyers team, us sucking, or some combination, the result was the same: 6-0. Just a terrible score. The immediate reaction: panic.

But I'm here to tell you (in large Habs-friendly letters) DON'T PANIC. It was one fucking game. Whether we had lost 6-0, 6-5, or 1-0, the result was the same. We're down one in the series. Big whoop! It's not like we haven't been down in a series before. It's only Game 2. Still 3-6 games to go. To panic now would be a waste of precious energy you should be using to remove your Pants. There will be plenty of time for panicking tomorrow if we suck balls again tonight.

So turn on your Guide and let's set this baby up.

Waiting in line at Milliways details - 7 PM at the Wachovia Center, on all the usual media outlets. Insert Bob Cole rant here.

The people of Krikkit - the ladies over at Slightly Saucy must be quite happy right now, what with their wacky Flyers-Sharks combo blog.

Hot like Trillian - I guess Squid and Gio are still technically hot despite being pointless in Game 1. For the Flyers, all of them. Michael Leighton is now 3-0-0, 1.11, .959 in the playoffs, and hasn't allowed a goal in 105 minutes. Brière 4 points in his last 2 games. Matt Carle 7 points in 5.

Ugly like a Vogon - CHicken is now pointless in 6 games. The Urologist is pointless in 4, so why is he even playing now? While the Flyers are an ugly bunch of bastards generally, when you win 5 straight really you're doing pretty well.

Paranoid like Marvin - Rhino and Little Tits must be wondering what the fuck they have done to be kept out of the lineup so long. We all know Little Tits won't ever be seen in a Habs uni again (maybe not?), but Rhino really could have been useful in Game 1. He would be useful in Game 2. He's not playing.

Here are some Deep Thoughts - Habs theoretically have one advantage over the Flyers - team speed. WELL FUCKING USE IT. Go on the attack, Jacques. Stop rope-a-doping and SKATE. Tire that Flyers D out. Let PFK pinch. Who give a fuck if it leads to odd-man rushes up the wazoo. A tactic change is needed. Also, if you are going to take penalties Gomez, do something useful with them, like clearing a Flyer from the front of Halak. You know, what Rhino should be doing.

Eccentrica Gallumbits, The Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six may be found at Atlantis Gentleman's Club.

So long, and thanks for all the fish. GYFHG.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday May 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Miss USA who knows how to work the pole...
OK everyone, it's a whole new (hopefully troll-free) day around here. In case you went away yesterday be sure to scroll down for an excellent HF4 movie review. Let's all take a deep breath, remove our Pants, not feed the trolls, and pray the coaching staff came up with some sort of strategy yesterday. GYFHG.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Taking of Game 1, Not 2 3: Flyers 6 - Habs 0 Game 1-Movie Review

Some of you may know this. Since last night felt a lot like the regular season, we decided we'd go back to one of our features, the game movie review combo where we split our commentary between the game and a movie we've seen recently.

The Taking of Game 1

Not a whole lot to talk about from a Montreal perspective. Philly did exactly what it needed to do in the best of worlds. Get in Halak's face, hit our smaller forwards, make PK look like a rookie and win game 1.

4 days off took Montreal out of that zone that they hadn't lived a minute without over a month's time, until they dispatched the Pens in Game 7. The team finally had a breather and it probably did them in. No groove, totally out of sync, going through the motions with the indifference shown in an exhibition game. Had Philly not scored early, one would think Montreal would have slowly gotten into a rhythm. No chance, the Habs were so soft in all aspects of the game that they made life easy for the home boys.

Anything to worry about? Sure if you consider that coming home 2-0 again puts the Habs in that insufferable must win scenario because anything but a sweep at home sends them back to Philly down 3-1. Game 2 is a must. The Habs were killed in parts of Game 2 against the Caps, in Game 3 at home, and in Game 1 in Pittsburgh. It's far from over despite the killer score. It was only Game 1, the best game to tank. It wasn't 2 or 3. Chillax kids, and shelf the bubbly Philly fans, you're not in bed with the Finals yet. And give me back my license plate.

The Movie

Seriously. How many times is Denzel Washington going to play the negotiator in a hostage suspense flic? I saw this movie 20 times before, I saw it in the Denzel Washington is a type cast hostage negotiator in Manhattan documentary on the Denzel type cast channel.

Ouf! How old was this recycled script? Good guy Negotiator who takes a bribe to feed his kids is black listed at work only to save the day with his people skills and superior intellect that only lands him a job as a subway conductor, but at least his wife loves him and can't wait for him to come home? C'mon guys, even Shrek 27 would be more innovative. At least they'd make the Donkey learn Swahili or something.

Travolta as the Bin Laden 9-11 let's make the markets tank and take a subway cart hostage so I can make a bundle of the selling ploy resulting from the instability my actions have caused? Are you shitting me? A subway hostage taking is going to make the price of gold shoot up and cause a huge incline on Wall Street. What's next? Honey we're out of garlic! Holy fuck look at what that's done to the price of copper. Fuck you to the directors, writer and actors of this shithole of a story and please mail me a refund as well as the 2 hours I'm afraid I'll never get back, The best thing about this asshole movie is that by the looks of the title, they rolled the original and both sequels all into one.

The Morning Skate for Monday, May 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while remembering Ronnie James Dio...
  • UGH. Ugh ugh ugh ugh. Flyers 6, Habs 0. Well that was a typical Habs game, if by typical you mean when the Habs really blew chunks this season. Not much effort, crappy dumb penalties, crappy performance by crappy defensive liability Urologist, etc. Maybe let's all just pretend like it never happened? Maybe we just got all the bad shit out in one game? Let's hope;
  • Much closer game in the West, with the Hawks stealing home ice advantage with a 2-1 win. Antttti Niemi came up big for the Hawks with 44 saves.
Deep breath.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Little People Face Their Evilest Challenge Yet: Philly-Habs Game 1 Preview and Open Thread

Round 3. The Philadelphia Flyers. Yes that was the sound of your genitals expanding and then suddenly shrinking. It's amazing to be here, but these bullies are scary shit.

Here's how they match up with our Little People.

The Forwards:
The Biff Flyers: I hate manure!

Richards, Brière, Gagné - Skill and grit. Brière's finding his game in these playoffs, hitting a few top shelf shots along the way. Gagné used to skate like the wind. He's still got the wheels but he's learned to do better in front of the net. He came back from injury in the second round and helped orchestrate a stunning reversal of fortune for the Biffs. Richards, Captain Biff, has the skill and the almanac in his back pocket to know that he's going to have to be in the crease, in Jaro's face to do any damage in this Final Four and erase the Canadiens from the family picture.

Jeff Carter - Biff punched out in the parking lot, probably not rejoining the prom.

Hartnell: Dressed to kill - Probably bullies the Bullies. Plus he can see the net through his caveman beard.

Carcillo, Asham: They're going to force Lorraine to kiss them even though she really doesn't want to, but nobody's around. She'll have a Dr. Pepper to get over it. They are monumental assholes. And they can score.

Set your PVR for JVR (and Giroux): The dark horses that can turn the plot around. They can sabotage the flux capacitor and make sure we never get to 88mph. 88, another number these bullies know well.

This is the best group of forwards the Flyers have had since the Lindros era. Ian Laperrière and Jeff Carter are out and they are still lethal in the skill and toughness departments.

The Habs' forwards are not as flagrantly lethal, but they've been impeccable. Cammalleri leads the league in scoring. Gionta has 7 goals. Lapierre is inspiring and is coming up with the most timely goals in the series. Same goes for Moore. It's a smaller group and it can be vulnerable in view of Philadelphia's size. But all of that talk can be thrown out the window. Gomez gains the zone almost every time, rarely turning the puck over. Andrei K picking up his game and can be PIVOTAL in this series if he can play with more confidence. Andrei can tip the scales. Of course that's not going to happen. Can Pleks find room in this bruising series.

Pyatt, Moen, Moore, Lapierre: This is your series. If these guys respond to Philly's aggression and aggress back, play gritty in your face crash and bang hockey, it's going to be a great series. Pouliot? Just one goal, that's all I ask.

Now go, boys. Lorraine needs your help.

The D:
I tried to write about Pronger and the gang, but I peed in my pants. Pronger is the add-on that made the Flyers a legitimate contender. But we got PK. Markov leave's and PK steps in seamlessly. Don't expect Andrei to return in this round. Philly's deep at D. Carle, Timonen, Coburn. They can all play at both ends. They can score. They're going to be instrumental in protecting their goaltenders in this series. Montreal can have them with their speed. That's they key. The Habs' D is more mobile though not nearly as punishing. Maybe O'Byrne gets a bit of ice time as a result and Bergeron is used as a PP specialist, but that removes the speed element that may prove to be Philly's undoing. Oh Jacques, study this dilemma you must. Hal Gill is tremendous now, our response to the Pronger factor. We've each got our Chrysler building standing in the way.

In Goal:
Jaro has out dueled a Hart Trophy winner, a young hotshot and a Stanley Cup Winner/Gold Medalist, all with the weight of an entire bandwagon on his back. Philly is starting with a guy they picked up on waivers, who's played 5 periods in a couple of months, and probably won't be back next year. Clear cut advantage, right? Except everybody thought Marty vs. Boucher was lopsided, same with Rask vs. Boucher/Leighton. Leighton only came off the bench and shut the Bruins out for four of those five periods he played. So there is no way Philly's goaltending can be written off. So my forced Back to the Future analogy is this: going in, you would think the Habs and Halak have a major edge over Philly and Leighton. But I bet if this were 1985 you'd put money on Lea Thomspon having a greater contribution to film (outside of the Back To The Future franchise) than this, right? Exactly. So don't count your chickens, people.

On to the waiting in line details:
When: In mid-May baby. We're playing in mid-may. At 7pm.

Where: At the Wachovia Centre in the city of the love of the brothers, where brothers can say, hey bro, I love you, without it sounding gay.

On the Fallopian Tube: RDS, CBC, Versus (who gets Versus?)

Hot Bullies: Back from 3-0 and 3-0. Who's hot? Are you kidding me?

Hot Habs: Cammy and Halak went to Alaska yesterday and it melted.

Adult entertainment: I usually don't like cheerleaders in hockey (no, seriously), but for this I'll make an exception.

It's the Final Four and it's time to talk about it. Bring it people, let us know how you're coping.

The Game Day Skate Presents the Pantscast Episode 3

I swear I thought we would only ever do one Pantscast. Habs 4 and out against the Caps and by next year podcasts will have been replaced by whatever Apple tells us is the next new media. But alas, the Habs had other ideas. So it's Episode 3 starring the usual cast of drunken idiots - yours truly, HF4, and Chris Aung-Thwin of HI/O's Other Wing (with "Hurley's waitress" in a supporting role). There's lots of PK Fucking Subban, choking Bs, and the whereabouts of Pelle Lindbergh and Sean Burke. The kinks are closed to worked out, though we could all learn to talk at a level voice. I tried to help in editing, but dammit Jim, I'm a lawyer, not a sound engineer. Once again, no iTunas link; I'm just fucking lazy at this point. But hit the play button or download link with or without your Pants:

Download the mp3

Game 1 is VERY SOON PEOPLE. Holy fuck. We're totally not ready. We're working on a preview that will come later today. In the meantime, plenty of other things out on the interwebs for you to read: ESPN's Burnside preview has Flyers in 6, CNNSI's Muir preview has the Habs in 6, Gill thinks it's easy to hate the Flyers (he's got that right), our old threeway friend Kristin is confused, Number31 has a great Top 10 ways Habs can win Round 3, Ya! the Habs Rule looks back at the Habs-Flyers season series, and J.T. emphatically denies it "feels like '93."


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Sure, what the hell, let's have a Saturday Morning Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Tim Hortons taking over the world...
  • Well, you really only missed one thing. The Bruins suck more than any team ever did suck, but maybe that's not even news. They blow a 3-0 lead in the series AND in Game 7, losing to the Flyers 4-3. You're an embarrassment to the sport of hockey Bs. Winning goal came on a too many men on the ice penalty for the Bs. Sound familiar? HAHAHAHAHA. Anyway, of course this means that the Habs play the Flyers starting tomorrow at 7. Here's the full ECF sched; at least it doesn't conflict with the Lost finale. Here's an early Gazette preview.
Ok how about some assorted videos you've probably seen already to entertain you while you think about those evil Flyers, and while FHF figures out some sort of preview for you. Though we already have a Pantscast planned, may even get posted later today. We'll see how drunk we get.

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, May 14th

Oh, hello there. Hope you are doing well this fine Sexy Friday morning. We know we are. No bullet points this morning. Bullets feel quick and rushed. Today feels like a day for slow reflection. Take a deep breath, catch our wind from the Pens and think about Flyers / Bs. So let's ramble on a bit, shall we?

So of course plenty of fallout, and looking back, on the Pens series. Are the Habs America's Team? My favourite story from yesterday is the one about Sid finally getting his own place. Do we think he's grown up enough? Will he still go home to get his laundry done? In the MSM, we thought Burnside had a decent series wrap up, though it's pretty much from a Pens persepctive. In the blogosphere, let's give some props to the Pensblog for manning up and writing this about the Habs:

It doesn't even shame us to say it, but we're jumping right back on board with the Canadiens the rest of the way. There's just something about a team that is playing as a team. They came into this series and made a lot of Pens fans look like assholes, us included. Have to respect it.

OK so how about those Bs and Flyers? Are the Bs epically choking? Chara says they're not panicking. Well we think they should be. So we guess the question of the day today will be "who would you rather play"? In a perfect world, FHF would give you a rundown of all the pros and cons of each opponent. Too bad this world is far from perfect. We'll let you guys argue it out. Personally, TMS prefers the Bs. We played better against the Bs this year. Simple as that. If you want to know FHF thoughts about the Flyers and Bs, you can take a look back at the History of Evil series and 10 things we hate about the Bs and 10 more things we hate about the Bs.

From the audiovisual department, if you are wondering why HF10 and TMS keep shouting "TekSaveeeee!" at FHF meetings, watch it here. And finally, with a lap dance to Orangeman, we believe that these videos are getting embarrassing already:

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Heroes: Habs 5, Pens 2

With apologies to moeman and David Bowie and you all for the obvious cliché of the whole thing...

Gio, Gio was king
Two goals, our future captain
And Bettman, and no ref would help us
But we beat Pens, forever and ever
Habs are now Heroes, fucking great day

Cole, and Galley were mean
And I, I drank the whole time
We love PK, and that is a fact
Yes we love him, NTTAWWT

And Gonchar, thanks he did help us
Moen beat him, a shorty forever
Now Habs are Heroes, at least for one day
Come what may

They, they said we can't swim
Like Penguins, like Penguins can swim
Early third, Jaro did save us
We CHased Fleury, forever and ever
We turned back time, just for one day

What Sid say?

And Squid, he is the king
FHFgals, want to be his queen
CBC, and no ref will help us
But we beat them, four games to three
Habs are now Heroes, my Pants thrown away

Ass-, holes can remember (they remember)
Standing, on Ste-Cath (on Ste-Cath)
And the tear gas, shot above their heads (over their heads)
As they looted, as though nothing could fall (nothing could fall)
It's a shame, they spoiled this great ride
We should beat them, for ever and ever
But our Habs are Heroes, is all I can say

East Final Heroes
Habs will be Heroes, come what may
Habs can be Heroes
For one more day
Habs can be Heroes

Fuck Bettman, and refs who don't help us
Baby we're not lying,
Our tin foil hats stay
But Habs can be Heroes, for one more day

What Sid say?

Oh oh oh oh....
Oh oh oh oh....
We'll play one more day
Oh oh oh oh....
Come what may
Oh oh oh oh....
Plan the parade

Oh oh oh our....
Oh oh oh oh....
They'll play one more day
Whoa oh oh oh....
Come what may
Plan the para-a-a-ade


Bullet points for what you missed while HOLY FUCK WE'RE GOING TO THE CONFERENCE FINALS...
  • In case you've been in an airplane or something, Habs beat the Pens 5-2 to win the series 4-3 and advance to the Eastern Conference Finals. Holy crap. Happy fucking birthday PFK and Jaro! Typical Habs performance - get some opportunistic scoring, overcome questionable reffing, kill a bunch of penalties heroically (AND get a shorty, thx Gonchar!), and ride some Jaro as we get totally outshot. Nothing wrong with any of that anymore. Props to Gio with 2G and a ton of work, and well, props to everyone really. Again no props to Crysby and his unsportsmanlike post-game presser. More later today no doubt;
  • And the Habs' opponent in the Conference Finals (on Sunday at 7 PM) will be... we don't know, because Philly is on the brink of an epic comeback, tying their series with the Bs thanks to a 2-1 win. Great work by Michael Leighton, the Flyers' 3rd goalie to play in the series, in his first start in two months;
  • Team Canada had all sorts of problems at the Worlds, losing the game 4-1 to the Swiss (!) and losing Stamkos to injury. At least we're not Team USA;
  • Glendale ponies up some cash, pendulum swings from Winnipeg yesterday to Phoenix today;
  • Keep that smile on your face with MYFO's Game 7 take.;
  • As of this writing, there does not appear to be rioting in the streets of Montreal. But it's early. MORNING UPDATE: Ok, some rioting and looting. Or maybe they really just needed some tube socks. They weren't Habs fans, just trouble-making assholes.
Oh, you would like to see the long-form video highlights of that win? We don't blame you.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Little People Have Done Us Well - Pens/Habs Game 7 Preview and Open Thread

Well we don't expect this to be the most productive day in our lives.

We don't even know how to set this up. Game 7 is its own set up.

Whatever happens, we'll write about our deep appreciation for what these Habs have given us over the last month.

Amazingly, Montreal plays its 14th playoff game in 28 days. It's been relentless.

Today, soak it all up folks. Enjoy it, see past your nerves. Whistle while you work....

Not you, refs.

Let's do this.

Where: Pittsburgh, Mellon Arena.

No, I mean, where on TV?: CBC, RDS, some pirated feed off the internet, at the Bell Centre on the Big screen. Probably at Future Shop, on every screen.

Time: 7 p.m., Mellon time.

Best John Cougar Melloncamp song: Jack and Diane or Hurts so Good, take your pick.

Who's a good hockey player: It's Game 7 people, both teams are a win away from the Final 4. I would say everybody's doing something right.

Not you: Sergei Kostitsyn

Sleepy Dwarf....shall remain nameless for fear of undoing jinxage.

Adult entertainment: Recharging your pacemakers. It's game fucking 7.

Please, please boys, win.

The (possibly last) late night Game Day Skate for Wednesday, May 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Alessandra Ambrosio working out...
  • Bettman has avoided his nightmare of an all-Canadian final as the Hawks knock off the Nucks with a 5-1 win;
  • Brian Boucher will be out for at least a month with a sprained MCL;
  • In other Boucher news, Guy Boucher may be courted by the BJ's. Ah, from the glamour of Hamilton to the glamour of Columbus;
  • NHL schedule... with Winnipeg?
  • At the Worlds, Russia and Sweden advance to Round 2 while Norway(!) beat the Czechs;
  • MEDIA WHORING ALERT: No oven mitt's this time, but our own HF4 we think will be on CBC's The Current this morning. We have no idea when;
  • And the only news that matters: JM says Gill will be a game-time decision, some great Habs quotes in this TSN article, Pittsburgh MSM likes Sid (can you believe it?), EOTP delivers a mea culpa, and finally here's another Habs History Will Be Made vid. We love Max and all, but these are getting ridiculous. He scored a goal. Not sure what's historic about that:

GAME FUCKING SEVEN TONIGHT BITCHES!!!!! Can you fucking believe it? No you can't. Seriously, who fucking believed in mid-April that we'd be playing a Game 7 in the second round. So many emotions to sort out today. But before we get to that, late night means random hot chick. Do your thing Google, and GYFH.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Habs just won't go away - Habs 4, Pens 3

"The Canadiens are the cockroaches in Gary Bettman's basement"

-Habsfan10, in a post-game email last night

While I am not sure the Habs could survive a nuclear blast like your average cockroach (well, maybe Gill could), this metaphor is apt. Apt, I tell you! Put on your tinfoil hats for a second, kids. Bettman wants no part of the Habs beating his beloved Sid. He wanted no part of the Habs beating his beloved international superduperstar. Well, fuck him. The Habs are scurrying around in his basement refusing to go away. Sure, when the lights get turned on they go running back to the shadows, but they're always there. They just won't be exterminated, and hopefully it's pissing Bettman off. Good. Let's take a look at some of the insects from last night:

The queen bee - Squid. Who remembers when he couldn't find his scoring touch after he came back from injury? Me neither. Two more last night, giving him 11 for the playoffs, the league leader. He's scored almost half the Habs goals in this series. Normally, that can be cause for concern, but not in this case. He can score 100% of our goals for all I care. And I just love his attitude after he scores. Tiny little fist pump, then quickly acknowledge the passer. It's like "yeah, I scored, that's what I'm supposed to do. Now let's get back to work."

The worker bees - Pleks and Big Tits supporting Squid. Pleks' work in the faceoff circle (16 of 21) was a huge key to the game. And Tits had two excellent passes to get assists on both Squid goals.

The worker ant - PK Fucking Subban. Jesus Fucking Christ he's getting better. He's getting more comfortable. Last night, he led all players with 29:11 of ice time. That included 4:32 on the PP and 5:37 on the PK. AND on the ice for the final minute as the Habs nursed that one goal lead. Defensive liability my ass. I saw him hound Sid down low for a good 15 seconds at one point, not giving him anywhere to go. He was +2 for the night. I'm imagining a Vodkov-Subban pairing next year tearing up the league, and it's making me moist.

Larvae in a cocoon - CHicken and Métro have not been heard from in a while. Maybe one of them will emerge a butterfly in Game 7. Alternatively, Little Tits could sit on the bench as well as either of them.

The pest you love to have on your own team - Mad Max. He still does some stupid things sometimes, but dammit he's playing the pest card well. And last night he added a highlight-reel goal. And besides being pest-y, he and his linemates (Dominitrix and Pyatt) just keep working and working. Third line heroics are always a playoff key. We're getting them.

The pest you want to crush with your foot, really squish him into the ground to make sure he never gets up - Sidney Crybaby. I don't give a fuck what Pens fan shows up around here and whines (like their hero) that "you're just jealous" or "Sid complains only because he is constantly taking abuse and not getting calls." STFU, Pens fan. Admit Sid is a whiny little bitch. Watch him yap at the refs at the end of every period. Watch him cross-check Pleks for no reason after the game is over. And then yap at Gorges, and then at the refs even more! That is not captain behaviour.

See you for Game 7. By the end, may the cockroaches be in Bettman's kitchen.

The Midnight Skate for Tuesday, May 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Elisha Cuthbert in a bikini...
  • OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG. We are headed to a Game 7 after the Habs take care of the Pens 4-3. Props to Mad Max for a huge effort on the eventual game-winner. Props to the whole Max-Dominitrix-Pyatt line frankly. Props to Squid who with 2G is now your runaway playoff goal leader. And props to Jaro 2.0 who CHipped in with a vertigoal in his return. No props to Sid who despite finally scoring a goal is the whiniest little pissiest bitch ever. More later today;
  • Good on the Flyers for not rolling over when they were down 3-0. They win their second straight, a Boucher-Leighton combined 4-0 shutout, after Boucher got injured getting crushed by his own D. Ahh, the life of a Flyers goalie;
  • Tavares had 2 in Canada's 6-1 win over Latvia;
  • Curtis Sanford's shutout sends Hamilton to the AHL Conference Final;
  • The Ice Edge / Glendale deal may be in trouble. But this whole process has gone so smoothly!
We could not be happier to post these long-from video highlights after a win.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Magical Game 6 Preview and Open Thread

How are the Habs juggling all the blueline injuries and still coming up with a Big D? Magic!

Do or die. There is no tomorrow. Backs against the wall. Am I forgetting one? It's the fourth such match for the Habs this year, so they've heard 'em all. Several times. Just in the playoffs.

We've been posting little crazy little blog nazi's for the past few weeks, and since you obviously have internet access and some sort of an affiliation with the Habs (whether pro or con), there's not much I can tell you in terms of a game preview that you don't already know.

Apparently I am forbidden from praising any head coach of the Montreal Canadiens on this blog, given all the blame foisted upon Count Chocula Jacques Martin and Carboner before him. So how about a little praise for an assistant coach?

Perry Pearn runs the defence for Montreal, and has done a great job line matching in the playoffs. Impressive in and of itself, given the reputation of the opposing forwards faced through two rounds. With injuries to Paul Mara (yes, apparently he is still on the roster), Markov, Spacek and now Gill, combined with a rookie defencemen playing over 20 minutes a night and MAB's inability to turn and skate backwards once he has gained any forward momentum, we only have one conclusion:

Perry Pearn is a wizard.

Jaro provides a helping hand, of course, and between the two of them they've been making defensive magic behind what all the cool blogs are calling (graciously) a "patchwork" defence. So, consider this our tribute to the Magical Mr. Pearn and his apprentice, Jaro.

Now if only Kirk Muller can trap some of that magic in a bottle for his group of midget attackers and we might see a game seven on Wednesday...

[Ed. Note: for those who repeatedly hit "refresh" like HF29, you'll notice I originally posted without a title, just to be different. Well, some people - like HF29 - like to click the title to get all the comments on screen with no pop up, so I've added an admittedly lame title for you and your ilk. So much for thinking outside the box. Heh, I said box.]

Who else has been magical for the Habs? Okay, let's talk more about PK in the comments.

The (possibly last) Game Day Skate for Monday, May 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of throwing a perfect game...
  • Nucks showed some life and Luongo showed he can still play goalie as they beat the Hawks 4-1 to survive to play another game;
  • In case you missed it Saturday night, congrats to the Sharks for advancing to the Western Conference Finals;
  • Ovie scored for Russia in the World Championships. That makes us laugh for some reason;
  • OK, only series that matters roundup: Spacek back but Gill out?, Moey shows some love for her heroes, Mara and Markov both skated for you dreamers, hockey invades MMA fight in Montreal, and finally Pittsburgh's MSM paper previews tonight.
Possibly for the last time, GYFH.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Not What We Had In Mind: Game 5 Review Pens 2 -Habs 1

Ok, what now.

Habs play 3 even periods. No crazy shot totals in one direction or the other. They actually out chance the Pens, but no finish. The Pens played a solid game 5 and did what they had to do. But you would have expected a furious storming out of the gates. That never happened. The whole game was played at this even, steady pace.

Opportunism won this one with Pittsburgh managing to solve Halak with 2 screened shots from the point. He was excellent again throughout the game as was Fleury.

Hal Gill may become the next addition to the Habs now just ridiculous list of injuries this season. His leg was sliced in half with everything under the knee laying severed on the ice, while Gill skated away on one leg with a blood spraying stump. Our shot-blocking monster may now be gone and that makes Game 6 all the more daunting.

There's nothing to suggest the Habs can't win at home tomorrow to force a deciding game. Problem is there's also nothing to suggest the Pens can't end it at the Bell Centre either.

We're thinking Cinderella's in a bit of a bind here.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Whoever Makes More "History Will be Made" Videos Will Win Tonight: Habs-Pens Game 5 Preview and Open Thread

We're gonna need some more of this, Cammy

It's the Battle of the rivers: Three Rivers vs. St-Laurent. By name, you would think it's a mismatch because poor little St-Laurent has to take on 3 rivers, which is really unfair.

From the looks of the picture above, Montreal's introduction into MLS in 2012 could not come at a better time. Cammalleri already has a name that could well precede "GOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!! CAMMALLLLLLLERRRRRI GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!!!!!"

But it's going to take more than River fights and soccer (but football)/hockey goals. It's going to take a better second period. I don't know, maybe it doesn't...The Habs have taken 3 shots in 5 second periods during these playoffs. They've won 4 of those games. Expect Montreal to play the typical road game which means that 3 shots in a period may even be a generous standard.

Markov has made the trip. Which of course means that he just enjoys Air Canada dinners. "I love the food. I love the foil packaging, makes me feel like I can take my time to eat and the food will always be warm. I love the little TV on the back of the chair. This is cool. I want to install TVs on the back of our pillows at home. I love the little movies about the city you gonna visit. This really prepares me for my visit. That's why I make the trip."

Game 5. It sets up Game 6, the game where a team is necessarily trying to stave off elimination. It's going to be a furious battle and expect Pittsburgh to roar through this one because they know how trapped they could be down 3-2 in Game 6 on the road with a hot goaltender in their way.

Now it's time.

When: 7 p.m. EST

Where: Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh.

Gino Crosby attack coming soon? Jaro be warned, these boys have been under the radar for too long in this series.

Andrei K attack coming soon? No.

More footie in you Cammy? Better not be intentional footie cause the refs will waive that shit off.

More bear hugging moves to pull down our young phenom at his blue line to ride in clear for a breakaway goal you cataract fucking poster child refs??!!!?!?!?!? Cue Friday the 13th music. Chi chi chi chi, che che che che......

Adult entertainment: S&M with your partner involving steel (God no, not Penguins).

What does it take for a win tonight folks. Kindly respond by leaving a comment and we'll comment right back.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Heart and CHaracter, bitCHes - Habs 3, Pens 2

So I was perusing the hockey blogs this morning looking for some inspiration. Not that I should need any inspiration to write given last night's win, but there were just too many things to write about. Sure, we could take the "angry rant at the refs and NHL" route, but that's just what they'll be expecting us to do.

Anyhoo, I came across Moey who wrote the following:

As much as I still love and miss Saku Koivu, I've come to terms with the fact that it was time for him to move on. I love this little team, especially it's heart and character, after last year's centennial debacle they've managed to restore pride and a real sense of hope. They really are a joy to watch.

Well, I should probably just stop there, 'cause that's what I want to say. This team is a joy to watch, and it's because of heart. And CHaracter. I can't tell you how many comments I've read in this here corner of the intertubes lately along the lines of "no matter how far we go, I'm just so proud of this team." It was said against the Caps, and pretty much all of this series, even when we lost. This team's heart and CHaracter have been praised to no end. We agree with all of those comments.

But I have a serious question. Where the fuck did this heart come from? Do you remember the last week of the season? No of course you don't, because we've all collectively blocked it out of our memory. Let me refresh that memory with some of the headlines from FHF that week:

Dear Habs, I would Like it if You Could Kiss My Ass
Huzzah, we're in the playoffs! Meh, we're in playoffs

If you made a list of Habs' assets in that last week of the season, "heart and CHaracter" would have been somewhere around "French Canadian superstar." This team was a mess. Needing a couple of points against crappy teams, they got beat down by the WhalerCanes, and just managed to scrape up single points in losing causes from two of the shittiest teams in the league, the Isles and Leafs. This team's "character" was sucking.

Now, that's all anyone can talk about. Habs' heart and CHaracter. So where did it come from? Let's take a look at some candidates:

Brian Gionta - I wanted him named captain before the playoffs and I was right, goddammit. He's continued his eternal work ethic and dragged this team into the realms of "anything is possible." If I didn't feel ridiculously guilty about making a "Saku who?" joke I would make it now.

Hal Gill - Number of negative comments about Gill during the regular season? 1.4 trillion. Number of negative comments about him during the playoffs? Zero.

Scott Gomez - like Gio, he just works. And works. He seemed like kind of flake at times this year, but now, he's showing, um, heart.

Notice a pattern in these three candidates? Stanley Cup winners all. Bob knew what he was doing.

Kirk Muller - Not to get all Don Cherry on ya, but Kingston rulz! What made Captain Kirk great has transferred to the bench, and possibly transferred to the boys.

No expectations - go back to that last week of the season. No one expected the Habs to do anything going into the playoffs. The whole team seemed to say "fuck it, let's prove 'em wrong."

Drugs - I know when I'm on meth, I have character up the wazoo.

Mad Max - two months ago his character was "whiny little lazy ass piss ant." Now he's emblematic of the work done by the third and fourth lines. Must be the drugs.

So I still don't know where the heart and CHaracter came from. But I don't care. We have it, and we can't let it go. And it was on full display last night. I know I said up top I wouldn't bash the refs, but it's central to our story. I transcribed Grapes during Coach's Corner, talking about the clothesline on Big Tits as he crossed the Pens' blue line:

"Now watch this. THAT's not a penalty? He give him a shot! He give him a shot like that! (makes hand to the face gesture) Call it like you like. No penalties for Pittsburgh? And what was it, 3 or 4 for Canadiens? It's ridiculous... I don't know what it is. I come out and say what it is, folks." (lots of sic)

And on Crosby's interference on Hamr:

"This isn't a penalty? THIS ISN'T A PENALTY? Are you telling me this is not a penalty? I mean, c'mon!"

So in the face of that, the Habs showed what they are made of. Let's face it, even with the non-calls, the Habs blew chunks for 40 minutes. A total of 9 shots. Jaro holding the fort as best he could after giving up two early goals. Beat down and playing like shit, the Habs went into the dressing room looking like they were about to go down 3-1. But in the room, JM undoubtedly gave his version of a Knute Rockne-esque inspirational speech or a Herb Brooks-esque tirade, by standing there and looking perturbed. It worked. Habs came out like gangbusters and got two quick goals and ended up with 16 shots. Jaro held on. Series tied 2-2.

Because of heart. And CHaracter.