Habs now only 8 short of a minyan just in time for Rosh Hashanah

The Montreal Canadiens, recognizing right before the high holidays they were well short of the ten Jewish players required by the Talmud to publicly pray to Adonai the Hockey God, yesterday added Jeff Halpern to double the number of mensches in the locker room. In addition to his praying duties, Halpern is expected to fill the role of 3rd or 4th line center given the departures of The Dominictrix and Métro, as well as providing some veteran leadership in the spirit of Moses. At a reported $600k for a year, Halpern was quoted as stating "what can I say? I like a good bargain just as much as the next guy."

Mike Cammalleri was said to be thrilled with the news. "With this signing, I'm that much closer to being able to show off my shofar-blowing skills. I know we're still eight short, but it's ok, I've got some cousins we can call and they'll be right over."

Bertrand Raymond could not be reached for comment. Happy 5771 everyone.

CHappy CHanukkah to Squid and everyone - Devils preview and open thread

As I am sure you all know, tonight is the all-important 6th night of the Jewish Festival of Lights. It's important because it's when all the little Jewish kids go "FUCK, we only have two more days of presents" just before mom slaps the kid and says "in Africa, they don't even get presents!" thus starting the kid down a path of a lifetime of Jewish guilt. It's true, it happened to me when I was young. Us Jews are all about tradition. So grab yourself some of the traditional Hanukkah fare of fried calamari and let's plotz all over this preview.

Waiting for the messiah - 7 PM start from the swamps of Jersey. First meeting of the teams this year. Habs on a 3-game losing streak, all by 1 goal, while the Devils are 8-2 in their last 10. Oy.

Awesome shiksas - first Devils game of the year so we get to re-acquaint ourselves with the awesome librarian-ness and awesome cooking tips of the awesome Ookies over at the awesome Interchangeable Parts. Did I mention about the awesome?

Hotter than the oil to fry your latkes - SquidPleksTits, SquidPleksTits, SquidPleksTits.

Cold like your mom when you don't call. Why don't you call? All I ask is a phone call once a week. Is that too much to ask? - Little Tits now pointless in 6.

Hot like the 7 flames on the menorah tonight - Elias, Parise, blah blah blah. One of the greatest goalies of all time, blah blah blah. Oh, he's going for the record 104th career shutout. He'll get it tonight, it's only fitting.

Cold like your mom when you aren't married yet over the age of 40. Mein gott! All my friends have at least 6 grandchildren. And what have you given me? NOTHING. I HAVE NO SON. - see 8-2 in their last 10 note above, no one really cold for the Devils.

Oy gevalt, my back. Call Uncle Morty to get me an appointment with his orthopedist - the usual. Rumours have Benoit Pouliot playing with the Bulldogs this weekend. Some quick line juggling, with Mad Max to the 3rd line for some hot Max and Max action, with Métro down to the 4th. TFS with the start.

Post-game adult entertainment - Jews don't talk about sex.

Please enjoy some foods fried in oil in the comments

Like Us Jews Haven't Been Waiting Enough

In this undated photo, a Jewish man is seen patiently waiting for the Messiah

Mats, I just want to tell you that my tribe has done enough waiting to last a lifetime. We're done with it. We've made enormous mistakes in the throes of our waiting game.

Prance around the desert and cook bread that looks like a feeble cracker. - The Messiah never came.

Build the Temple. - The Messiah never showed up.

Rebuild the Temple. - The Messiah stood us up.

Conquer Palestinian Land, evict the Palestinians - you know, violate a bunch of human rights and all that jazz. - No Messiah.

Resist Arab aggression and firmly establish a Jewish state to coincide with the biblical depiction of Israel. - No Messiah in sight.

Defy a flurry of Arab violations of basic human rights - respond in kind with new set of infringements. - Is that the Messiah at the door? Nope.

Watch and overtly enjoy every Mel Brooks movie ever made, including Robin Hood: Men in Tights. - Hey! Well if it isn't the Messi...um, no, no that's not him. Just the mailman.

Give Yasser Arafat a small role in the musical Annie (look for him in a cameo as one of the little orphan girls - a moving performance). - I don't think he's gonna show.

Draft Mathieu Schneider. - Donde esta il messiah? (upside down question mark) Il Messiah non esta aqui.

So Mats, if you think I'm going to fall into this waiting trap again, I, no, WE, we the Jews, know better. Forget it, take your schmekel someplace else.