Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Goodbye, bitCHes

Your momma always said to go out with a bang. So, BANG.

More than four years ago, three idiots and me decided the internet needed a blog about the Habs that was funny, hateful, and told the honest truth about the Habs' suckitude (at the time). We also thought the internet had a shortage of half-naked CHicks that needed to be remedied. 2375 posts later, I would say we succeeded on both fronts.

Four years and 2375 posts is a long fucking time.

I've had a recurring thought lately as I've laid (lied? lain?) on the couch taking meth - when does a blog end? Now, I'm not talking about the professional bloggers who make a living at it; Puck Daddy will be around long after the nuclear war that kills the rest of us. But we're not professional bloggers. We make our living being pond scum lawyering types, or whatever the hell moe does. We blog for fun, and to have a creative outlet not present in suing the pants off someone. Any creative outlet has an ending. A novel has an end. A CD only has so many tracks. A movie's credits will roll eventually. A blog doesn't seem to have an end; it could theoretically go on forever.

And that's a problem.

Two of our closest spiritual hockey blogging brothers have come to end. Both of them came to an end after about four years. There must be something to that number, because dammit, after four years here, it's just time. The "this is fun / this is work" balance that most amateur bloggers deal with has finally tipped over to the this is work side. That blows.

So far, this has been just a long-winded roundabout bullshit way of saying we're tired. The thought of blogging another season was just too much to bear. Yes it's fun, and you guys are all awesome, but if we're losing our passion, the blogging is gonna suffer. We refuse to let that happen. Better to burn out quickly than to fade away, always leave 'em wanting more, go out on top, etc.

As this blog is not just me (thank God, or I would have been so tired I would have closed it down two years ago), I gave everyone a chance to write something one last time. Here's what they came up with:

Since last year's Stanley Cup final, thugs have destroyed Vancouver's downtown and irreparably damaged the city's reputation, the best and most exciting player in the game has announced he won't be ready for the start of the season because of recurring issues after a concussion brought on by a cheap shot, three separate "enforcer" type players have tragically passed away and an entire hockey franchise was wiped out in a horriffic plane crash in Russia. Clearly, the hockey gods are angry that the Bruins won, and I'm not tempting fate by writing on this blog for one more goddamn second.

OMG PONIES!!!!1!!!!!1 YOU GUYS I am soooooo looking forward to FHF's new season!!! My doctor gave me this shiny new set of pills and it means that I'm going to be totally positive about everything about the Habs because, people are right, this team is going to win the STANLEY CUP BABY ZOMG!!! I didn't pay attention last year, but I assume that a totally deserving team won it, 'cause, like, jerks never get rewarded for their jerkery, right? And this year, we're going to be the bestest ever because Markov has a bionic knee that will turn him into, like, the Steve Austin of hockey and now that Colin Campbell is gone Shanahan is totally going to make sure that when people goon it up against the Habs that they're called for their meanie pants moves because Gary Bettman is, like, TOTALLY into fair play now and I hear that David Desharnais grew, like, 12 inches over the summer (random growth spurt I KNOW) and Jacques Martin is finally going to put together a series of plays designed to put the puck in the net and we can even start campaigning now for PK SUBBAN AND CAREY PRICE to share the Conn Smythe because we are just that awesome, amirite??!! I can hardly wait to share my newfound positivity with our readers!! TRIPLE LOW FIVES ALL AROUND BABY, ÇA SENT LA COUPE AND PLAN THE PARADE!!!!11!!!!!!!1

Wait, what? This is FHF's last post? You're kidding me, right?

Thank God. Not sure I would have been able to keep that up all year.

Let me just say Go Admirals Go!

moeman (+ Mick)
I saw 4, 10 & 33 today at a CHez Parée reception
A glass of wine in their hand
I knew they would meet our danse-à-dix connection
Already at her feet was a Pants!loose ovenmitted man!

No, FHFers can't always get what they want
FHFers can't get the ice cream they want
FHFemmes couldn't always get the manly pics they wanted
And when I blogged sometimes you found
You got the moe-rass you needed

I saw LG today at an Apple reception
A glassy new iPhone4S in her hand
I knew she was gonna lose her WiFi connection
At her feet was a Pants!loose ovenmitted man!

Anonymous, you can't always get what the fuck you want
You can't always comment what the fuck you want
You can't always fuck like you fucking want
But when you logged in sometimes you might find we knew
You'd be the fucking jerk you needed to be

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh … What!?

And I went down to a 4/20 demonstration
To get my fair share of some hooCH
Singing, "I'm gonna vent my FHFrustration
If I don't I'm gonna blow a 50 gram fuse"
Sing it to me now ...

You can't always smoke what you want
You can't always meth what you want
You can't always drink what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
A Pants!loose ovenmitted man!
Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

I went down to the CHelsea drugstore
To get 29's presCHription filled
I was standing in line with Dr. & Mrs. GG
And man, did she look pretty CHill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavour, Habs CHerry red
I sung this song to Dr. & Mrs. GG
Yeah, and GG said one thing to me, and that was
Is that a Pants!loose ovenmitted man?

You can't always get what you want, (no bleu BR!)
You can't always get what you want (fuck ya McSplooge!)
You can't always get what you want (no bob cold!)
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
Oh yes! Woo! PFK! TFS™ PleXXXE! Tits! Squid! Gio!

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!
Oh yeah! GYFHG!

I saw Kristin today at the CBC's 75th reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained ovenmitted hands

FHFers, we can't always get what we want
We can't always get what we want, a 25th Stanley!
We can't always get what we want, see you at i/o Hockey?
But if you login here sometime, you just might find
You'll get the ass you need
and just maybe
a Pants!loose ovenmitted man!

You get what you need, ah oui …

Final post? Didn't you guys pull the cord on your comatose blog after the readership sank to 6 when I left?

No thanks, I’m retired!

Good stuff team. You're the best 3/4/5/6 people I could ever blog with. Man I'll miss this place.

The one reason we hesitated to pull the plug was you guys out there. I've said it before and I will say it again for posterity, no hockey blog has the commentariat that we do. Witty, funny, angry, sexy, you guys are the absolute bees' knees. Hanging out in an open thread is like hanging out with friends (that I actually like) and even, dare I say it, like family (that I actually like). We need to find a (virtual) place for all of us to hang out. N31's place is pretty cool. Moey's pad is nice, though you may leave with some cat hair on you. And no doubt Steve has the best drugs. Of course, GG11 and I have other internet homes, drop by any time. And LG77 is one of the best Tweeters around, so say hi to her. It would just be a shame if we're like the group of friends that graduates high school and runs off to college all over North America, never to talk again.

Well I think we've gone on long enough, both in this post and forever. One last time: GYFHG, Die PHucktards Die, Bs suck, Fuck the CBC / HNIC / TSN / CotU media, and of course, Pants! Thanks to all of you for joining us for the ride. Your meth ice cream is in the mail.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the return of Arrested Development...
Hey just two days 'til real hockey! We're finally maybe hopefully ready to drop a stripperriffic season preview on you, so check back around noon-ish. Maybe. Hopefully.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Its a wrap ~ Pre-season, September and shots to the head end ~ bring on the fucking leaf

October is made of bountiful beer, bodacious babes
and a busload of Bleu, Blanc et Rouge Boys
bound for some bonding, in Colingwood.
Buh bye boring and bleu pre-season,
hellloooo Habs (can I still type that?) hockey!
~ ~ ~
Bleedin' for your BBRethren = sign Gorgeous Josh long term, now!
~ ~ ~
Front of da bus for our beautiful boy. PFK! is gonna fuck up
don cherry's and mike richards' racist shit this year.
Man, I'm gonna man up and just say it, I love this PFKid!
~ ~ ~
Gratuitous Gina Gershon gushing, gosh darn g(oogling).
~ ~ ~
ryan malone, headless breast shot.
~ ~ ~
ron mclame (with beer & air guitar), sagging breast shot.
~ ~ ~
Can you guess that I cleaned up the garden today?
~ ~ ~
Fuck you, you leaf, how does it feel like to get punched in the face?
~ ~ ~
Word is Phil Kessel gained a bit of weight this summer. Nice beard.
~ ~ ~
Gratuitous Kate Upton pic. Sometimes, words fail me.
~ ~ ~
My seasonal message to hnic.
~ The Ends ~

G Y F H G !

Saturday, October 01, 2011

The Weekend Open Thread of Love Needs to Bathe

Good morning, y'all! It's October, there's a nip in the air and real hockey is around the corner. Before we get to real hockey, there's one more round of fake hockey for the Habs to lose, tonight at 7 from Quebec City against the Bolts, on RDS. Over/under on mentions of the Nordiques and / or NHL's return to La Capitale? 3000. And please, FFS Habs, give us something to be happy about to prep for the season.

Plenty of hockey stuff to point you to today, let's see, uh, hmm. More Shanny discipline. Gallagher back to Junior. Pretty ugly leg-breaking on an icing last night. TSN 30 in 30 thingamabob gets to the Laffs, and the comments turn into Leafs fans bashing The Mexican't. Finally, while we're kind of disappointed as to how Simmons' ESPN Grantland has turned out (a little too pretentious, and even Klosterman seems lost over there), when our numbersake writes a piece about hockey head shots for them we've got to recommend it for some weekend reading.

Elsewhere, Als held on over the Bombers in a wild finish. The MLB baseball playoffs have started, if anyone cares. I so don't care or know what's going on in baseball when I saw Milwaukee was in the playoffs I fainted. The All Blacks have lost two key players prior to Canada's final World Cup rugby match tonight against them, not that Canada has a chance anyway. TWOTOL ain't just about sports of course. Have you got any movie recommendations? New fall TV shows? Books? I am currently reading The Omnivore's Dilemma, which is excellent, though it's disturbing enough I may never eat again. Though after three days of Rosh Hashanah eating, I may never have to eat again anyway.

Thread up everyone. Have a great weekend.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Sexy Friday celebrates day 2 of Rosh Hashanah

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of having Mila Kunis over for some CHallah and honey...
  • Would you say it's time to panic? Yes I would Kent. Habs lose again, 4-0 to the Bolts. You can say "it's just pre-season" only so many times;
  • The Little Fuckity-Fuck had a six point night;
  • Drew Doughty cashes in with the Kings to the tune of $56 mill;
  • Banana tossing guy feels terrible about tossing the banana;
  • For the ladies today... hmm. You type "hottest Jewish male actors" and you get Woody Allen or Larry David. That can't be good. All the handsome Jews are doctors. How about some Israeli male models;
  • Hey did you know the season starts next week? News to us at FHF, as we are still working on a season preview. Look for it to drop Monday or Tuesday.
Unlike the men, there are sexy Jewish female actresses up the ying yang. Here's my future wife, Alison Brie, licking things. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 29

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a wild night in baseball...
Today's video of Evelyne's tits Habs TV is a tour of the new boards / glass at the Bell. They're bouncy. The boards I mean.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Saturday, September 24, 2011

It's a weekend open thread of love!

Patches! Als! Sens tonight, Bs tomorrow. I have to run off, I'll update later, talk amongst yourselves. That's what TWOTOL's all about anyway...

SUNDAY MORNING UPDATE. Habs lost 3-2 last night, thanks to a goal in the last minute by Chris Neil (seriously?). Not much of a game to remember, except for Squid's 2 goals thanks to Palushaj's two helpers. Beaulieu showed he's not ready for prime time, despite RDS' insistence he is. TFS hopefully continuing his pattern of playing meh in the pre-season only to win almost 40 games in the regular season. Although he did have some huge saves at key times, and the Sens' 2nd goal bounced off a hundred skates before it went in.

Bruins tonight, at 6 pm EST from Halifax. PatCHes did not make the trip out East, and the Shaved Gorilla has been on and off with a leg injury all pre-season so he probably won't be there either. Don't forget CHicken! In other former-Habs-with-CH-in-their-nickname news, CHeez Whiz is in trouble.

While you wait, nice NFL double at 1 PM (at least on northeast stations) with Giants-Eagles and Pats-Bills (Bills are good this year). Or you could catch up on some housework. You're bathtub is disgusting.

moeman updates that i/o reports the following; "The Boston Bruins will play defenceman Zdeno Chara and forward Benoit Pouliot tonight vs. the Canadiens, but will sit both players tomorrow on the team’s date back at the Bell Centre."
Guess the shaved ape won't be relaxing at the Boston Zoo today and is too small-balled to play in Montréal, also, too CHickenshit.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sexy Friday is handing out some discipline

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a whole new set of Kate Upton bikini pics...
  • Habs have four games in four nights starting with the Sens tonight. We're tired already;
  • Tonight's game will include the appearance of The Mexican, whose lower body is ready to not score goals;
  • NEVER touch a Leaf, you will pay. Shanny the punisher hands out five pre-season and five regular season games to Jody Shelly;
  • Shanny also handed out 4 + 1 to Letourneau-Leblond, who didn't hit a Leaf;
  • THERE IS A BANANA ON THE ICE! THERE IS A BANANA ON THE ICE! Actually we shouldn't joke because this looks like it may be a disgusting racist incident. Ugh;
  • MIke Modano will sign a one-day contract so he can retire a Star;
  • PJ Stock feels bad;
  • For the ladies today, Cosmo puts together a slideshow of 64 hot guys without shirts.
As you can well imagine, "discipline" videos are pretty out there. So here's some random artsy fartsy strip tease video (no nudity, but close, so close your office door). Happy Sexy Friday everyone!

    Wednesday, September 21, 2011

    PatCHes preview and open thread

    I was going to use the "face smashed into a stanchion by a gorilla" pic, but wanted something happier

    Tonight, at 7:30 on RDS, PatCHes returns to the Bell Centre ice for his first game since the, uh, the you know what. I will admit it, I may get weepy when I see him. It's the dust. Fuck the NHL and fuck the Shaved Gorilla. This will be a happy ending.

    Tuesday, September 20, 2011

    Summer ain't officially over ...

    OK, so our Habs lost, 6-3, in a pre-season game.
    Lotsa kinks to be worked out but Colé scored and Gremlin had a nice hit,
    so that's nice. No ice cream? Not so nice. Bonus, its still-Summer weather.
    RDS calls it an early costly loss. Really. Do they think ratings'll suffer?
    As our own gillis would say, "meh". CHill out FHFers, you could be a leaf fan.
    Or Steve-Olé, now dats gotta hurt.

    Regardless. Summer has yet to set.
    Enjoy the warm weather, 
    the real CHill in the air ain't far away and it could be
    much, fucking, worse.
    Be good and be good to eaCH other.
    The End.
    G Y F pre-season H G !

    Hockey! Pre-season! Players you've never heard of!

    Yeah, this is about as recognizable as some of the Habs on the ice tonight

    Tonight at 730 PM, from the Bell, on RDS, against Dallas. WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hockey motherfuckers! Too bad I have plans, because pre-season hockey is the best.

    Players you've heard of who are in the game: Squid, Pleks, Tits, Cole (uh, nickname? did we figure that out yet?), Gremlin, Gill, TFS.

    Players you've never heard of: Everyone else.

    In honour of the first (sort of) game of the season, here's a good old fashioned stripper pic for ya. Stop your whining.

    Monday, September 19, 2011

    Tweet this bitCHes for 09/19

    RT @MCammalleri13 Tweeting while driving is dangerous. Never do it. Unless ur parked on a bridge. #champlain #victoria #mtl http://yfrog.com/h65jgwcj



    Sunday, September 18, 2011


    Oh hello. Happy Sunday to you. Why aren't you in church? You should be, you sinners. While you wait for the Als game or the NFL game of your choice, enjoy these videos of Alexei (Y)Emelin wreaking havoc in scrimmages yesterday. Drool. Well except for the potentially taking out PatCHes' knee part.

    Friday, September 16, 2011

    Sexy Friday is going in for its pre-season physical

    Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Scarlett Johansson nude photos...
    • It's time! Habs report for physicals today and actual camp starts tomorrow. You can feel hockey in the air, and it's not just the fact we froze our ass off last night;
    • Puck Daddy's previews have arrived at the Habs. It seems relatively fair and accurate, which is a surprise. But for the love of God don't read the comments. Remember the old Puck Daddy Comment of the Day feature we had around here once? Well, we can't pass up this one: "Leafs are gonna kick their @#$% and finish ahead. Montreal will be fighting for 8th. Price won't play as well as last year. Leafs will get 6th or 7th.";
    • Leafs sign Luke Schenn to a five-year deal, Tronna plans a series of parades;
    • Finnish Flash signs on for another year with the Ducks;
    • The Dallas Stars are bankrupt and being sold. Another successful Southern franchise;
    • Tweet this bitCHes - the NHL has a new social media policy, and it means there won't be any Tweeting from the locker room;
    • Habs TV has a cute new host(ess);
    • Here's a video of some amazing pole dancing, for no reason;
    • Kate Upton goes to football games too. Could she be any more perfect?
    • Some yutz named Allen Mendelsohn has a new blog. We bet that's the last we hear from him.
    We're turning over the video section of Sexy Friday to the ladies today, but don't worry, everyone will like it. Do you enjoy handsome young defensemen of African descent showering and working out? Then we have the video for you! It's really just perfect, except for the fact it's filmed in Toronto. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

    Thursday, September 15, 2011

    A children's treasury of Markov pics in tribute to his knee

    It's being reported that Vodkov's knee is, uh, not good. This has us worried! If you want to know why, you can just go ahead and read J.T., who sums it up perfectly as usual. We will use it an opportunity to fondly look back at some of our favourite GG11 Vodkov masterpieces over the years.

    Wednesday, September 14, 2011

    Rookies ~ You gotta luv em'

    Spring is in the air, um wait a sec., Summer is almost over! FHFuck!
    Lots of youngsters showing up for rookie camp,
    Fall can't be too far and yes, Habs hockey is soon upon us.
    I can almost taste the FHFree ice cream! (for any new FHFers,
    just make sure to post lots of comments to get a lick).
    ~ ~ ~
    ~ ~ ~
    J.T.'s fun take on rookie camp.
    DDD does daily duty describing debutantes.
    25Stanley thinks LouisLouis will be tenderized.
    Ms. Universe 2011 rookie camp news/pics.
    ~ ~ ~
    ~ ~ ~
    Rookie FHFers, press some flesh.
    ~ ~ ~
    Not so much a rookie band but a great free fucking PJ song titled Olé!
    ~ ~ ~
    Hep cat hype and some pretty hep Habs cats.
    ~ ~ ~
    Remember being a rookie Chef?
    ~ ~ ~
    The End
    ~ ~ ~

    Tuesday, September 13, 2011

    Hockey! Habs!

    The first grainy video of rookie camp. We have no idea what's going on, who's who, or anything. But it's hockey.

    Monday, September 12, 2011

    Tweet this bitCHes for September 12th

    ROOKIE CAMP FUCK AND YES. #it(sorta)begins

    (lap dance to orangeman for the photo link. via)

    Friday, September 09, 2011

    Sexy Friday will whip you into shape for the season

    Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Candice Swanepoel in multiple lingerie costumes...
    You would not believe what kind of videos you get when you search for "whipping." Well, maybe you would. NSFW wouldn't begin to describe it. So you'll have to settle for this vid from Agent Provocateur I found. They are putting Victoria's Secret vids to shame. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

    Thursday, September 08, 2011

    Happy Birthday Rogie Vachon

    I know it's his birthday because it's also mine. Me, Rogie and Pink. I think I'm the most famous one. This video is all kinds of awesome. Well except for Leafs scoring. But even I cannot deny the awesomeness of the Mike Palmateer mask at the end.

    /returns to hangover (these might help)

    Wednesday, September 07, 2011

    Sidney Press Conference Preview and Open Thread

    Today at 12:30, Sid the Kid will address the media in Pittsburgh to talk about his health. It is the most important press conference in the history of the universe. Not to make light of concussions, especially given a certain #67, but the hype TSN is building to this thing is a little much. Especially given we can predict the bottom line in one sentence: "I'll play when I'm ready." You may now skip the press conference.

    Monday, September 05, 2011

    Happy Labour Day

    In honour of, we're being lazy and not working. Let someone else tweet.

    Friday, September 02, 2011

    Sexy Friday is flashing you

    Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Minka Kelly flashing you...
    • For the love of God, do not drive a boat while intoxicated, like Dustin Byfuglian. The cottage rule is that the hungover guy drives the boat because he can't drink anyway while his buddies dive into the cooler;
    • The NHL and NHLPA are going to look into all this death business;
    • Wanting to see the Habs play outdoors? Good luck with that. The best we can do is the Bulldogs hosting the Marlies at Ivor Wynne Stadium, hopefully before it collapses, as it's being rebuilt;
    • The Canadiens Magazine interviewed Pedro Martinez, because he's the first thing you think of when you think of the Habs. I keed, it's actually got some juicy nuggets, though frustrating for 'spos fans;
    • Free weed!
    • For you ladies today, Ryan Reynolds is flashing you his pecs and abs.
    We close today not with Victoria's Secret for a change, but rival lingerie company Agent Provocateur. It features everyone's favorite crazy pair of tits from Boardwalk Empire (new season starts September 25th, w00t!), Paz de la Huerta, flashing you. ¡Caliente! Happy Sexy Friday everyone. (via)