CBC Hockey Night in Canada Live From Boston! - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread

Outside TD Banknorth Garden, shots of Bruins fans streaming into the rink, yelling at the camera, Chara and Lucic jerseys and the odd pink Red Sox hat (on the ladies). Ron Maclean voiceover:

Maclean: Less than one year after they suffered a catastrophic semifinal defeat to the Philadelphia Flyers after leading the series 3-0, Zdeno Chara, Tim Thomas and the rest of the Bruins resume their quest for Lord Stanley's Mug on CBC tonight at 7pm in Beantown. Cam Neely watches on from the President's box as the Big Bad Bruins go for some silver to match their traditional black and gold, tonight on CBC Hockey Night in Canada! With me as always is Boston's favourite son, Donald S. Cherry.

Cherry: Whoooaaaaa!!! The Boston Garden loves me. I gotta say, that Karboorlay, he's from the Leafs, that guy is dynomite. And that Chara, Looocic, those guys are just like Bobby and Cashman, who I had back in the day. We're ready tonight, that's for sure!

Maclean: Don, what do the Bruins have to do tonight to get past last year's collapse?

Cherry: Well, you know that sort of thing can make you a bitter, angry, xenophobic jerk if you aren't careful, kinda like it did to me when we lost the 1979 semifinals. You know, kinda like how Leaf fans feel about Kerry Fraser in 1993. Those Leafs though, next year, they're gonna do it, you betcha! That Ryemar, he's somethin'.

Maclean: Well noted. Over to the panel for more on the Bruins.

Panel lead by Maclean with Mike Milbury, Garry Galley, Glen Healy and PJ Stock.

Maclean (out of breath after running up stairs from ice level): First game of the 2011 playoffs for the Bruins tonight, with a supercharged atmosphere due to the recent history between Boston and their opponents. Thoughts?

Milbury jumps in immediately: Well, their opponents are obviously a bunch of cheating, diving, whining pussies who can't even handle a routine hockey play like driving a man's head into the stanchion, hitting him with an elbow pad in a scrap or going into the crowd to wail on a man with his own shoe. Fucking pansies.

Healy: Plus, the Bruins have better goaltending, defence, forwards, size, speed, looks, fighters, celebrity fans, colours and tv advertisements than their opponents tonight, who are all tiny ballet dancers with no heart and pee their pants at the slightest hint of contact.

Stock: I love Bruins. I love ... hockey player. I love ... lamp.

Maclean: Well said, PJ. Love Bruins indeed. But what of the pressure on Boston's opponent's goaltender, who must try to emulate his predecessor who cost the CBC untold millions when we picked another first round matchup to show last season and ignored millions of viewers?

Milbury shouts over everyone: Why, that guy can barely fight. He could have killed Tim Thomas if he was a real man, but he didn't even try to beat him to death with his blocker or a stanchion or a shoe, like any self-respecting Bruin would have. If I was the GM of that team, I would totally trade him for the 2011 equivalent of Oleg Kvasha and Mark Parrish and choose a far inferior, injury prone goalie 1st overall in the draft, ignoring two bonafide 50 goal snipers in the process. That'll teach him.

Stock: I killed a man with a trident.

Milbury: CAUSE YOU'RE A MAN, PJ!!! THAT'S WHY YOU KILLED A MAN WITH A TRIDENT!!!

Stock: I don't know why we're yelling. Loud noises!

Galley: See, that's the problem right there, is the Bruins opponent doesn't have any trident killing skill. They're all busy shutting teams down defensively, getting superior goaltending, trying to be opportunistic on the powerplay. But that sort of thing won't work against this big, tough, talented, stanchion crushing Bruins team, just like it didn't work all season long or last playoffs. They're just not good enough to be a National Hockey League team at all. No wonder they lost every game versus the Bruins for the last 50 years and only made the playoffs due to luck and shootout wins. It's scientific fact that the Bruins are better in every single possible way.

Maclean: Speaking of scientific fact, we've got Cassie Campbell down outside the Bruins dressing room with noted medical expert Dr. Mark Recchi. Cassie?

Cassie Campbell: Right, thanks Ron. I'm here with noted concussion expert and Bruins veteran Dr. Mark Recchi. Dr. Recchi, what are your totally valid and not at all inflammatory feelings about Zdeno Chara's obvious hockey play from earlier this year?

Dr. Recchi: Well, Cassie, if there's anything I learned from my numerous medical degrees from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, the University of Animal Husbandry of West Monrovia, and Queen's University, plus the stuff I learned through careful study of every single documented case of concussion ever in the history of the world, it's that no one would ever watch a movie ever again after a concussion. And walking with any concussion symptoms or tweeting or even speaking coherently means that the person is obviously faking to get Zdeno suspended. In fact, I would wager all those knee injuries to our opponent's defence are all fake too, since they all seem to be able to give interviews and eat in restaurants, and as my extensive knowledge of medicine shows, those things are impossible with a knee injury. I also notice your lips seem incredibly bright and glossy; you should get that checked because it is definitely polio. I'm a noted medical expert, regularly asked my opinion on greater Boston media outlets, so you should heed my advice.

Cassie: Uh, I'm wearing lip gloss. It's not polio.

Dr. Recchi: Well, that's what I expected you to say. The mind is the first thing to go with polio. Look at poor Eric Lindros.

Cassie: Lindros doesn't have polio, and neither do I.

Dr. Recchi: Aren't you a trooper. Remind me of my good friend John Cullen after he was diagnosed with rabies. Lost all his hair from the leeching we performed.

Cassie: Ron?

Maclean: Cassie, PJ says he has a question for Dr. Recchi.

PJ: Excuse me, Cassie?

Cassie: Yes? What is it, PJ?

PJ: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

Cassie: Excuse me?

PJ: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?

Cassie: PJ, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?

PJ: That's it.

Cassie: Did Milbury tell you to say this, PJ?

PJ: No. Yes. He did.

Cassie: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

PJ: Very well. Glen, would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Healy: No, PJ.

Cherry interrupts: Ya know who deserves a pants party? Nazdaq Kaldrah, that's who! Why Brian Burke didn't keep this kid up all year is beyond me! Scored 3 goals in the preseason and was a plus 1! And faceoffs! If they had kept that Ziger... uh, Zeegah ... uh, Zig-oh-man-is up to kill penalties and take faceoffs, the Leafs would have won the division! Makes me sadder than when one of our beautiful boys or girls in the army comes home dead because some Liberal pinko cancelled a jet fighter project!

Milbury: YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO SHOW RESPECT? THAT KID, YOU KNOW, THE UPPITY ONE. NO SHOWBOATING, NO BACKING AWAY FROM FIGHTS. HE NEEDS TO MAN UP, JUMP INTO THE OPPOSING TEAMS BENCH AND SMASH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL. NONE OF THIS DIPSY DOODLING, SCORING GOALS AND PLAYING GREAT DEFENCE. THAT'S NOT HOCKEY! DISRESPECTFUL.

Cherry: Ya, that Pee-Kay Sooblab is a real troublemaker! Could learn a few things about respect from a good Canadian boy like Mike Richards.

Maclean: To be fair, I believe PK Subban is Canadian.

Cherry: Not MY Canada, he ain't. Same as all those frogs in Frenchietown. Leafs don't have any of those guys. Just good, solid Canadian boys like Phanoaf and Koolieman and Kessel.

PJ: I ate a big, red candle. It didn't taste like the Kool-Aid man at all.

Maclean: Alright, we're almost ready for puck drop. Predictions for the series?

Milbury: Bruins in 4.

Healy: Bruins in 4.

Galley: Bruins in 4.

PJ: Foreign Bruins.

Cherry: Leafs in six. Let's go!

Maclean: Now, up to Bob Cole in the booth. Bob?

8-0

The number eight in an interesting figure: All spiders, and more generally all arachnids, have eight legs. An octopus has eight tentacles. Eight is the atomic number of oxygen. The Jewish religious rite of brit milah is held on a baby boy's eighth day of life. In chess, each side has eight pawns and the board is made of 64 squares arranged in an eight by eight lattice. The original Nintendo used 8-bit graphics. In tarot, card No. 8 is "Strength". It's also my very own numerological number.

In hockey, it`s the number of the NHL`s top goal scorer and perhaps MVP, Alex the Gr8. It`s exactly half tyhe number of wins required to win the Cup. It is also now the number of wins the Montreal Canadiens have earned against the Boston Bruins in the 2007-2008 NHL regular season.

Sweep. Sweet.

In last night's game number eight, yours truly had the honour of being present to watch the Habs pull off this historic feat. Against Boston, Montreal has won 11 in a row and 12 of 13 at home. They outscored Beantown 39-16 over the year. Since the '03-04 comeback playoff win against Joe Thornton's Brooins, the Habs are 2-42 against Boston. I think all of the above qualifies the Bruins as Monteral`s whipping boys. And thr world is as it should be.

It`s almost sad how dominant Montreal is over Boston (almost); as LG77 said during the game last night, cheering against them has become like picking on the retarded kid: you kindea feel bad about it, but itsso easy and its not like he`s going to retaliate. Even when the refs handed the B`s a powerplay with less than 2 minutes left in the third, even my normally paranoid self was relaxed and utterly convinced we would win (although I predicted we`d win in overtime - my bad). Turns out the Habs needed to make it dramatic, waiting to the last shot of the shootout to put a stake through the hearts of poor, pathetic Brooins fans. And what a beauty The Captain`s SO goal was: after Kovalev put the backhand-forehand deke into Tiny Tim`s head, Koivu went backhand all the way and put it past the spastic Bruins`tender.

Mission Accomplished.

Unfortunately this also means no more gimmie games in the six remaining against Ottawa (against whom we seem to play like the Bruins), Toronto (who always plays much better against us than the rest of the league), and Buffalo (fighting for their playoff lives and not a shabby club). And the Habs will have to do it without their own number 8, Komo (aka DOOM), the NHL leader among defencemen in hits and blocked shots, for the balance of the regular season at minimum. Last night Josh Georges stepped into Komo`s spot along Markov, and played a solid 25 minutes - and almost added the OT winner. The Swiss Mister was also solid in his return to the backend, further jacking up his UFA salary demands. Perhaps most gratifying was seeing Begin return to hit anything with the puck, including the Bruins` own Count Chocula, Zdeno Chara. (Seriously, if the hockey thing doesn`t work out for Chara, I`m sure he can go work as a spokescreature for General Mills.) Guys like Mad Max and Begin have to pound opposition defencemen at every turn in order to negate the Habs general lack of overall size. Of course, size is one advantage and speed is another. With the addition of Grabby, Mad Max and Little Tits this season, the Habs have gone from fast to blur. And most importantly for Montreal`s playoff hopes, Price has done nothing to dispell comparisons with Roy and Dryden`s younthful Stanley Cup runs.

Enjoy today and revel in beating a hated rival past the point of embarrassment. Tomorrow we face our own nemesis, the Sens, and the tables may be turned. May SLC have mercy on our souls.

Plan the Parade: Price and Pleks Put the Hurt on Bears

Not the most scintillating performance, but any time the headlines read "Habs win, Bruins lose" it's a good day at FHF Headquarters.

Plan the parade - Bruins lose. Canadiens win. We can't stress enough how much we enjoy those words. Hate the Leafs all you want, but always reserve a special place in your soul for an uncompromising, blacker than the fires of hell hate of the Bruins, the boorish, black and gold lunchbucket yin to Montreal's glorious bleu blanc et rouge firewagon yang.

The newly constituted Danse a Dix line provides all the offence, Kovy getting credit for Plek's first and Pleks undressing Tim Thomas for the second after a splendid pass from Big Tits. Habs outshoot another opponent and spend the last five minutes not only protecting a lead but going for a third to kill the game off. Panger's boy Chips has so much of Carbo's confidence he's out there with less than 2 minutes to go suffocating the Bruin's last gasp. A potentially disasterous 5 on 3 Bruins powerplay late in the third is successfully killed off, with Carbo noting guys were jumping up on the bench wanting to kill them off. Plus, there's that fellow named Price.

Carey Price yet again plays with ice-water in his veins, mature beyond his years as he calmly swats away 29 shots and makes Pierre Maguire weep tears of joy. So far, so great, and we agree when Maguire says "I wouldn't want to be the Eastern Conference, facing this guy for the next ten years." In other news, Jaroslav Halak bookmarks U-Haul on his laptop. All in all, a solid if unspectacular road game ends with two more points in the bank against a divisional foe.

The Sky is Falling - Michael Ryder remains on the side of the milk carton. Thirty shots and only two goals, and a relatively silent night from Messrs Higgins and Koivu. Greek Lightning ends up on the first line late thanks to Ryder's ineptness. Love Greek Lightning, wish there was a better talent to fit on the top line until Ryder's head is out of his ass. Kovy shoved a puck that looked like it was going in over the line to steal Plek's goal. Nitpicking, I know. Frankie B got tangled with Aaron Ward and Ward hit the ice motionless; video was inconclusive but most agreed there was an elbow thrown. You don't like to see that, and Bouillon might get called on the carpet by the league for it.

Chez Paree Bound? - Price and the Danse a Dix line get VIP treatment, and the rest of the team is coming in too because the Habs won and the Bruins lost. After too many years in which the B's held sway, the Habs have taken 5 straight in this rivalry and order has been restored to the universe.

6 Lap Dances out of 10. - Always tempted to give a 10 for wins against teams I hate, but I'll refrain. This was a solid win with some nervy moments. Continued absence of anything from Ryder and the Ward elbow temper my enthusiasm a little.

Next Evil Evil Foe: The 2000-pound gorilla of the East, the Sens on Saturday afternoon in Kanata. Five for Smiting is already sharpening his number 2 pencil in anticipation.

Bruins to change jerseys; Still suck at everything else hockey-related

Big news out of Boston, where the hated B's and their skinflint owner have accidentally done something right by changing the horrible jerseys they have sported lately back to something resembling the "classic" (and by classic, I mean the Orr-Espo-O'Reilly-Cashman years, the era those lunchbucket carrying gorillas consider their golden age ... after all, they won 2 (2!) cups, lost in a huge upset to an even more thuggish Flyer team, and were on the wrong end of the most famous too-many-men penalty ever) Bruins togs.

You just know Jeremy Jacobs did it for the cash, and not the right reason, which is as follows:

The Bruins, an original six franchise, used to have a cool looking jersey. They saw dollar signs and changed it to something that looked like it was created using an ECHL jersey starter kit, then compounded the problem by introducing a mustard yellow third jersey with Smokey the Bear's severed head as the logo. Their jersey needed to be changed so that they weren't embarassing their Original Six brethren, all of whom have top ten jerseys style-wise . At least now they are only propping up the bottom of the standings, not the apparel sales too.

You just know whatever fans the B's have left will buy these things in droves. You know TD Banknorth Garden will still only be half-full, so Jeremy Jacobs will sell off Patrice Bergeron for 50 cents on the dollar. You know the Habs will still step on the Bruins necks all next year no matter what they're wearing. Tim Thomas could come out dressed like fucking Batman and he's still giving up at least 5 goals next time he visits the Bell Centre.