The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread

[AP] Raleigh, NC - In a stunning turn of events, NHL All-Stars unanimously voted to change the 2011 All-Star game captains last night. NHL All-Star representatives have revealed the results of the new vote: Nik Lidstrom and Eric Staal are out, and Montreal Canadiens stars Andrei Kostitsyn and Carey Price are in. We now go live to TSN with James Duthie, Bob McKenzie and Pierre McGuire as they provide live analysis of the picks for Team Kostitsyn and Team Price.

James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.

Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?

Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?

NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.

McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!

Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.

Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!

McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.

Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.

Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!

NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...

Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?

McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!

McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?

Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.

NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.

McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?

McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Carey Price.

McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.

Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.

Andrei:  Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.

Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.

Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.

Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.

McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].

McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!

Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.

Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.

Andrei: Malkin.

Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.

Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.

Andrei: Tim Thomas.

Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.

McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!

Duthie: Shut it.

Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.

Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?

Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.

Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?

Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.

McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].

Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?

Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.

Price: Duthie, dude! Done.

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Phil Kessel.

Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].

Andrei: So I is winner, yes?

Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.

Keep Alive: The FHF Half-Assed Half-Season Sorta-Kinda On Time Review

Did you know the Habs hit the halfway point this weekend? Did ya? Huh?

Really? You knew? Well, bully for you Mr. Checking the Schedule Smartypants Fuckface. I guess you can stop reading right now.

Whatever. For the rest of you, in the grand tradition of the one other time I did this, here's The FHF Half-Assed Half-Season Sorta-Kinda On Time Review. In handy stream-of-consciousness form.

We're what? You're fucking joking. I'm pretty sure this team sucks!: Last year at this time? 2nd in the Northeast, 5th in the conference, 21 wins, 13 losses, 8 OTL. This year? 25-10-6, 2nd in Northeast, 4th in East. For all the whining and gnashing of teeth that gets done around this team, for all the worries about the Bruins morphing into the 1970 Bruins and destroying the planet with their awesomeness, the Habs are ahead of last year's pace and riding an 8-1-1 streak. Fuck, really?

All-Stars! All-Stars! All-Stars!: And so, after all the ballot-box stuffing, all the complaining, all the embarassment that is fan voting, your Eastern All-Stars feature Carey "TFS" Price as starting goalie, Markov and DOOM on defence and Kovy skating with two guys playing for the tenth place team in the conference. Of the four, Markov certainly deserves it, Price's numbers are good but not as good as some others (Tim Thomas immediately comes to mind), DOOM is an FHF and neutrals favourite for his hitting and general all-around badassery, and Kovy shouldn't be anywhere near the rink that weekend. If you look at DOOM as the fan's acknowledgement that maybe fancy-pants goals and stickchecking isn't all you want in a defender, then his election is a good thing. My only wish? That all Kovy and Tanguay's votes had gone to Koivu so he could be named captain, start, and get the ear-blistering ovation he so richly deserves from his hometown crowd. Now I get to hope DOOM breaks someone in half instead. I'll see the replay because I ain't wasting any time watching the game.

The New Guys: Gang Bang Lang is leading the team in goals, points, missed open nets, and ability to mesh with anyone. He's currently leading the charge of the Tits brothers and can also be found hanging out with Kovy in the "former Pens with groovy mullets on the downside of their careers who still weave magic sometimes" section of the dressing room. As a Plan B from "Fuck You" Mats Sundin, he's been terrific.

BGL keeps getting hurt, and he's slow as death when he plays. If he tears Chara's or Lucic's head off before the season is done, it's a successful signing.

Tanguay is also hurt after a promising start. He showed more goal-scoring skill than I anticipated, and the promise of Koivu/Tanguay/Higgins was enticing. Jury still out.

The New Kids: Dagger! Max Pack! Chips! Maxwell! (Okay, not really Maxwell). Weber! As the injuries piled up, Dagger provided a jolt of goal-scoring electricity and helped the team over a rough patch. Max Pacioretty continues to give us all glimpes of awesomeness, and makes the Rivet for Gorges and a 1st (Pacioretty) trade take on mythic proportions of one-sidedness. Chips finally got the call back up, and has looked fine ... which is what you want from your checking line centre-types. Maxwell needs some work. Weber looks to be struggling a bit with the speed and I shudder to think what might happen against a top-flight team. Still, Dagger! Max Pack! Whoooo!!!!

The Subbanator deserves his own damn paragraph!: PK F'in Subban is great. I hope Bob doesn't trade him. He's not even on the team and he might be my favourite Canadien.

The stat that made me go WTF? more than any other: It's not that our leading scorers (Lang and Kovy) are on pace for 64 points. It's not that Mad Max has more goals than Gui! Gui! Gui! and Little Tits, and only one less than ZombiePleks. It's not even that Max Pack has a shooting percentage of 33%. It's this: Josh Gorges, plus 16.

Habs would be dead in the water without: Mad Max and his fucking crazy channelling of Guy Lafleur the past few weeks. Josh Gorges and his mystifying chicken-head-cut-off style of defending resulting in a plus 16 and all sorts of important ice-time (he's averaging over 20 minutes a game!). Dagger and his timely goals. Lang and his timely everything. Breezer, routinely making the safe play and chipping in with a dozen points and a plus 6. Whoa. That and an inexplicable ability to pull games out of the fire. Hold on, kids.

Things to look forward to or worry about: What happens when all the walking wounded return? Where do Higgins and Koivu and Tanguay and Laraque and El Dandy fit in? Can Gorges keep it up? Is Price hurt worse than anyone is letting on? If he is, can Jaro keep winning? Is Bob going to mess the chemistry up with a monster deal for Jay Boumeester or Vinny Lecavalier or Ilya Kovalchuk? Can I get an indication of what sweater number PK F'in Subban is getting, so I can order it now? Will the fucking Bruins please fall back to earth, and will someone shoot Milan Lucic down off a building King Kong style before the playoffs? Can the Habs keep winning, hold down a top-four spot, and avoid a trip to Jeff Carter and Mike Richard's house of goons for at least two rounds? If Bob trades for Tomas Kaberle, do I have to refrain from calling him soft as Craig Janney? Can you believe El Dandy finished that shift with a fucking broken arm??? What the hell is with all the road games in the next few months? Will someone please explain how this is the 100th anniversary, so the Leaf fans can find something else stupid to complain about?

HF10's All-Star Rant: Fuck you, Mickey Ribs, you fucking ungrateful little fuckity-fuck

Mike Ribeiro, NHL All-Star.

Read that sentence again. Resist the urge to smash your limited edition Pierre Dagenais bobblehead against the wall. Do not phone Bob Gainey to complain. Do not curse Janne Ninnima to the heavens. Curse Mickey Ribs, who could have had it all in Montreal ... but fucked over his hometown franchise and fans.

Do you remember the ascension of Mickey Ribs? Local phenom, scoring almost at will at every level of youth hockey. A spot at the world's most famous hockey launch pad, the Quebec Pee-Wee Tourney. Scoring titles and scouts aplenty as a Triple A player. All-Star teams and Canadian Hockey League scoring titles as a junior in Rouyn-Noranda. Snapped up by his boyhood favourites in the 2nd round in 1998. Shoved to the forefront too early by an overwhelmed and desperate Ronald Corey and Reggie Houle, who needed something, anything to placate the fans after the debacle of the Roy trade and the horrid performance of the rudderless Habs.

You want a snapshot of the Corey regime's shortsightedness? Look at Mickey Ribs. Too small and slow coming out of junior, ill-prepared for fourth-line spot duty in the NHL, he was rushed into the starting lineup to thunderous applause and overblown expectations. He was shuttled back and forth between the AHL and NHL, force-fed to the National Junior team (rumours persist that the Corey and Houle only released Ribeiro for duty after receiving guarantees that Mickey Ribs and noted Canadiens draft bust Eric Chouinard would be first-liners ... lo and behold they were, undeservedly sucking up power play time from more motivated, more effective players), and handed a spot on a scoring line despite an alarming tendency to a) not play defense, b) get shoved around by every single player on earth and c) fall to the ground at the slightest of touches.

For every marvelous move behind the net, Mickey Ribs had two glaring defensive lapses. For each time he made running buddy Dagenais look like a sniper, there was Mickey Ribs shunning contact or tiptoeing around the offensive zone like a kid sneaking in after curfew. For each platitude about his hockey sense there was an apocryphal story about his continued lack of fitness. For each public appearance as the future of the franchise, there were whispers of two or three late nights spent out on the town.

Yes, the Habs were a lousy hockey team for much of that time. Yes, Mickey Ribs got rushed, jerked around by the clueless Houle, and feted too quickly by the Montreal media. The Canadiens organization and its fans deserve a share of the criticism for the way the Mickey Ribs era went down. But know this, you little twerp:

It wasn't the Canadiens who acted like a snarky little punk in the dressing room.

It wasn't the fans who didn't put in the necessary work on hockey basics like defensive zone coverage, faceoffs, backchecking, and avoiding lazy, jackass hooking penalties.

It wasn't the media who didn't spend any time working out in order to develop some semblance of the physique required of a professional athlete, rather than stick with the build of a high school clarinet player.

It certainly wasn't the Habs or anyone else's idea to collapse like you'd been shot, only to laugh about it on the bench moments later (against our most hated of rivals no less), causing the franchise and its supporters untold embarrassment and leaving proud men like Beliveau, the Richards, Gainey, and Koivu to wonder why a punk kid would cheapen their legacy.

No, Mickey Ribs, it was you. You, who so polarized a dressing room and a fanbase. You, who promised so much and really delivered so little. You who forced Bob's hand to the point where he essentially gave you away rather than put up with your lazy, unmotivated, no-backchecking, pansy, party-instead-of-work-on-my-numerous-deficiencies, scrawny ass. You, who after experiencing some sort of epiphany when you realized you wouldn't be mollycoddled and protected by certain fawning Montreal media and apologists and might see your ass carted right out of the league, decided to, in your own words "put my head in the right place and do what I have to do to be successful"

It was you who threw the Habs under the bus when you said things like this:

"They [the Dallas coaches] let me play the way I can can play ... You try to make plays. If I create a turnover, well, they won't bench me. They'll tell me to keep playing smart and create offence."

"If [the Canadiens] gave me the chance from the beginning [in a scoring role] maybe I would have started being the player I am now a bit earlier. I always knew, deep down, I could be that player. Playing with good players and a good team has helped."

You know what, jackass? You were too small, too slow, and too lazy to warrant any special treatment and still got it from the Habs. You got put on the top line when Koivu was hurt. You received plenty of power play time. You got plenty of chances considering you didn't work on your strength, conditioning, skating, or attitude in the SEVEN FUCKING YEARS you were in the organization. And suddenly it's all the Canadiens fault? Fuck you, you little punk. Christ, the Canadiens paid a salary to your idiot drinking buddy Pierre Fucking Dagenais for two years to keep you happy and you still crapped the bed. Now you're in Dallas and on pace for 90 points, and it's the Canadiens fault? Suddenly you get to Dallas, keep your fucking mouth shut in the dressing room, go home after practice instead of out to Crescent Street, hit the gym for the first time in your fucking life and it's the Canadiens fault? God, I wish someone would break your skinny ass in half. Enjoy the All-Star game, Mickey. It should be right up your alley, since no one is going to throw a hit or play defence. Can't wait to see you improve on your 8 points in 24 career playoff games when someone like Dion Phaneuf is using your spine as a fucking toothpick this spring.

Fucker.

Markov an All-Star

Well, now that the All-Star fan balloting is complete, and the FHF would like to offer hearty congratulations to first-timer Andrei Markov, who was elected by the fans to start for the Eastern Conference. He may not show any emotion when he's talking to an assistant coach, but FHF hopes Markov is as excited as we are about his being voted onto the starting lineup of the All-Star game. Sheldon who?

Better Markov than Huet at the All-Star Shootout, where skaters can have fun all weekend, coast on the backcheck and ignore defensive assignments on the ice while the goalies face a 20-minute nightmare of breakaways, rebounds and highlight-reel goals. Goalies always get screwed.

For the first faceoff at least, Andrei will partner Zdeno Chara in front of Martin Brodeur, with Sid the Kid, Vinny Lecavalier and Alfie leading the attack.

A few quick HF29-style thoughts:

• Well deserved. Markov is or near at the top in most offensive categories for defencemen, quaterbacks the league's number one powerplay and logs a ton of minutes against the other team's top lines. If fans of Sergei Gonchar, Tomas Kaberle, Brian Campbell or anyone else feel slighted, fair enough, but Markov and Chara are both decent choices;
• It would be nice if Komi got to go and partner him too, but fat chance;
• This may spell doom for the Christo-Wall and Kovy's chances too;
• No Alex Ovechkin or Ilya Kovalchuk in the starting lineup. What, no one likes to see goals goals goals? I would have voted for Alex the Great over Sid and Alfie;
• I have nothing to say about the Western starters. This is a Habs blog and I've already said too much about non-Hab things.

Lap dances are on us this week, Andrei. Congrats. Too bad the Gold Club in Atlanta is gone.

*HF10 wrote all the good/interesting/funny parts of this post.