It's TFS's team now

Jaro Halak has been traded to the St Louis Blues for Lars Eller and Ian Schultz. We have no idea who they are either. We'll check on that, and get back to you.

UPDATE: From the FHF scouting department:

Eller, 21, played in seven games for the Blues in 2009-10, scoring two goals and played 70 games for Peoria and recorded 57 points (18g, 39a). He was the 13th overall in pick in the 2007 NHL Entry Draft.

Schultz, 20, played the last four seasons for the Calgary Hitmen in the Western Hockey League. He recorded 55 points (24g, 31a) last season. He was the 87th overall pick (3rd round) by the Blues in the 2008 NHL Entry Draft.

Commence arguing! Er, continue arguing from the previous thread!

Media whoring update - yours truly will be on CBC Daybreak tomorrow morning at 7:40 AM to give his opinion. Which he doesn't really have yet. So all suggestions welcome! You can hear it on the web (link on the right side, "Listen Live").

Caps/Habs GAME 7 Preview and Open Thread: 2004 Inspiration Edition

Okay, so let's try this again.*

Details: if you don't know starting time and roster news etc. by now, perhaps you would be more comfortable here.

Good omens: Remember the 2004 series? Second place Bruins versus seventh place Habs (despite the fact that both teams actually had the same number of wins.) Here's a game by game recap to refresh your memory.

In a few words, the improbable comeback story then was about Theo's saves, Kovy's goals and Jumbo Joe's choke. If the Habs pull this off, the storyline will be Halak's saves, Squid's goals and Ovie's choke. Now, we're not saying that last one is necessarily fair to Ovie, we're just suggesting that maybe, perhaps, Caps fans may be less than satisfied with their new captain's first playoff series if the Caps lose tonight. Then again, maybe Ovie buries Jaro the Cult Hero tonight. (Hedging now over.)

Bad omens: The Caps finished with a bunch more wins than the Habs and are WAAAY better than the '04 Bruins. Even if the Habs win, in '04 they then lost 4 straight to the eventual Cup champ Bolts. If the Habs win, they will play the Pens. Hmmm.

Now playing the part of the Koivu/Kovalev/Zednik line is Squid/Turtle/Big Tits meaning just like in 2004, one line is probably going to have to get it done, scoring wise, to win the game.

Also meaning that just like the Little Fuckity-Fuck and that waste of space (cap and ice) Micheal Ryder utterly disappeared in 2004, Gomer and CHicken have been abysmal, meaning Habs management still needs to do a better job stocking the second line.

More importantly, Markov has to play like Markov, meaning...some more things haven't changed all that much in half a dozen tours around the sun; Skillsie (or Georges - somewhat ironically - or as I now like to call him, Forth Star) has to play like a Rivet meaning the Habs need a guy to keep shutting down the Caps' PP and eat up minutes on D since Hamr and MAB are useless; and Jaro has to play like that guy who started in the series but is now warming the end of the opponents bench meaning - wait, what?

However the on-ice roles play out, one thing is clear: defence is the key.

2004:
first 4 games: 11GA
last 3 games: 3GA

2010:
first 4 games: 19GA
last 2 games: 2GA

So the game plan is pretty simple: allow 40 plus shots (just like Jaro like!), wait for Turtle to score a couple and go ahead and book that flight to Pittsburgh.

GO YOU FUCKING HABS, PANTS OR WHATEVER ELSE HELPS!!!!!

* That 1971 analogy before game 4 was totally flawed and doesn't count. If anyone is like Dryden, it's Halak: Jaro has been around a little longer, but he's closer to Dryden's age in '71 and, like Dryden, earned a starters role in a platoon situation down the stretch to get the playoff call. Plus, I was lazy and didn't commit to the premise. Yes, I am nuts - but if I didn't think my actions had some influence on the outcome, what would be the point of being a fanatic?

We like comments, and unless you're Anonymous the Gay-Bashing Troll we won't shut down or delete any comments on our site...unlike some other people.

Little People Can Do Big Things Playoff Preview: The Goalies

Unlike some others who would be better served keeping their big traps shut (with all due respect to the Habs best forward), we think Jose Theodore and his goaltending abliities are just fine. And we love midget goalies like him, Jaro and our namesake, Darren Pang - the King of The Midget Goalies.

Tomas Plekanec should shut the fuck up and leave the goaltending analysis to the pros.

Here we are.

The Starters:
Jose vs. Jaro
A.k.a. Theo / Jaro
Age 33 / 24
Height 5'1 / 5'11
Weight 181 / 174
Starts 43 / 43
Record 30-7-7 / 26-7-3
GAA/SV %/SO 2.81/.911/2 vs. 2.40/.924 /5
Career claim(s) to fame: 2002 Hart vs. Leading Slovakia to the Bronze medal game
Other claims to fame: Nailed Paris Hilton (allegedly) vs. Stole Carey Price's place (for shizzle)

Analysis, or what the hell are those numbers supposed to mean to me?: Listen up Tomas, I know you were just looking to support your goaltending teammates and are saying what allot of people are thinking, but the numbers don't back you up.

Obviously, Theo had way more offense to support his starts, but it's no accident he won his last 23 games or so. There is no more streaky goalie in the NHL today than Theo, and right now he's streaking like a drunken college freshmen.

And there are allot of similarities in Theo and Jaro's respective seasons. Almost everyone assumed, at least early in the season, that the curent backups would be the playoff starters for both teams. Theo and Jaso are both small goalies by today's ridicuolously collosal standards but play a pretty effective positional butterfly style. Both have the ability for otherworldly displays when hot. Halak has probably shown a little more consistencey from start to finish this season, but Theo has the edge in experience.

Advantage: no one. That's right Tomas, as good as Halak has been, Theo is no push over. Plus he's got plenty of motivation: prove his many critics wrong, get a new contract and beat his former team. Last offseason's family tragedy just adds fuel to his fire.

What's the difference, then? Halak will have to steal the series; Theo just need to make sure he doesn't gift wrap it.

The Backups:
Semyon vs. Carey
A.k.a. Simon? Big V? /TFS or Big Fat Whale
Age 21 / 22
Height 6'2 / 6'3
Weight 209 / 219
Starts 23 / 39
Record 15-4-6 / 13-20-5
GAA/SV %/SO 2.55/.909/2 vs. 2.77/.912 /0
Career claim(s) to fame: Saving the Caps from losing to the Rangers vs. WJC and AHL Champ

So what? Backups don't play in the playoffs anyway. Leaving aside that erroneous assumption for a moment, neither Theo or Halak have the leash that say, Roberto Luongo will be given. A couple of bad goals and a couple of losses and - guaranteed - there will be talk of going with the backup.

If that happens, it's a wash - except what is says about the series itself. Price has a little more experience and has had some good outing against Washington specifically. But Varlamov would not be much of a step down from Theo, if at all.

Which bring me back to why it's becoming a myth that you have to go with one goalie for the entire playoffs if you hope to win. It's changing. Detroit and Carolina have both proven you can go to your backup and still win.

And? Let's face it, by the time Halak gets pulled in favour of Price, it will probably already be too late for Price to be the Saviour. Chasing Theo, though, will probably result in Varlamov pulling a Ward again.

And just because we love him so much: here are the REAL Panger's career stats:

Height 5'5
Weight 155
NHL TOTALS 81GP 27W 35L 7T 0SO 4.05GAA, 8.891 Sv % (csareer high)

Greatest. Midget (sized). Goalie. Ever.

We know Thomas was wrong for what he did, and we'll now blame him if they lose. Comments?

Habs 6 Rangers 0 Leaves Us Confused

This is Knight Jaro defeating (and apparently decapitating) "King Henry" Henrik Lundqvist. It was to be part of a whole MacBeth theme - with John Tortorella as Lady MacBeth. You know what we figured out? Shakespeare is hard. Cool photoshop, though.

Habs win big over the same team that whupped them a week before. This is confusing.

After a week spent discussing the size of the chucks of sky falling around the grounds about the Habs new training facility, a short trip to the New York metropolitan area and now the only debate is whether the parade route should pass by the old forum on its way to the Phone Booth.

Still confused. But, even as a Carey Price fan, I am confident about this: it's up to Jaro get on his horse and lead the way to the playoffs.

Go Jaro.

Go Pants comments! No? Ok - go read TMS

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Overview: The Commies are coming! No wait, they're here - and there are a fuckload of them, so let’s get right to why they suck compared to their (completely different) pinko, socialist Quebecois brethren:

Nom: Jaroslav Halak aka “Jaro” aka “our funniest bit”’

Lieu de naissance: somewhere behind the Iron Curtain

Strengths: Winning hockey games - when he gets the chance; lately spends most of time fashioning latest Canadiens baseball cap styles; ‘most interesting man in the world’ commercials are based on Jaro.

Weaknesses: small by NHL standards; doesn’t raise his hharm like dis for tha hhicing, confusing teammates; doesn’t spend enough time posting for FHF.

Should be traded for: Martin Brodeur (New Jersey Devils). If only there was unrestricted free agency in the NHL, Marty the Great would have signed with his hometown team for sure. Oh well, the Habs can still sign one of the many available pur laine goaltending alternatives, including: Eric Fichaud, Stephane Fiset, Vincent Riendeau, JC Bergeron, or the corpse of Andre Racicot - all of whom have proven to be more-than-capable backups in the rich goaltending history of God’s chosen team, the Montreal Canadiens. Manny Fernandez is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW, crisse.

Nom: Andrei Markov aka “Andrei Markov” aka “the only reason the Canadiens have a shot at the playoffs”

Lieu de naissance: The original “red” state.

Strengths: the Habs best player, last season's playoffs proved they can’t win without him; can remain stone silent despite constant interrogation by Montreal media thanks to KGB upbringing.

Weaknesses: Although he’s by far the Habs best player and only top 10-ten NHL player at his position on the Habs roster, he still must go. Can’t say exactly why - he just doesn’t have that je ne sait quoi : he’s no Guy Lapointe, Serge Savard, Butch Bouchard or Francois Bouillon. Plus, cheered for the Red Army during the New Year’s Eve game and during their invasion of Czechoslovakia.

Should be traded for: Stephane Robidas. Who cares if Comrade Andrei is likely to play in the Olympics for the Soviets? Robidas is a mortal lock for Team Quebec.

Nom: Jaroslav Spacek aka “Jaro 2.0” aka “Pigeon”

Lieu de naissance: Some country that no longer exists.

Strengths: experienced, puck-moving defenceman with a booming shot; did not commit suicide while playing in Buffalo, so must like hockey a lot. Or doing nothing on a Saturday night.

Weaknesses: injury prone, sometimes lacks intensity; foolishly favours the political theory of John Locke to the obviously enlightened deism of Voltaire.

Should be traded for: Traded?!? Why the TABARNAK did they not sign the legendary Francois Beachemin (Toronto Maple Leafs) as a UFA instead of this ostie de piece of shit?

Nom: Roman Hamrlik aka "Hamr" aka “this and next season’s salary cap albatross”

Lieu de naissance: A separated state (hey wait...).

Strengths: strong all-around play; has the pulse of Montreal’s underground economy.

Weaknesses: Doesn't use his size as msuch as he could, may have lost a step at 35; cozying up to known Russian gangsters when there are plenty of French Hell’s Angels to choose from.

Should be traded for: Francois Boullion (Nashville Predators). Francis The Great outplayed Hamr in every way all year long – even while injured - only to be held back by his Quebecois-hating coach, who Gillooly’d his groin before the playoffs just to sabotage him. Only remained unsigned so long as other teams were fearful of signing him so as not to make the aforementioned Quebecois-hating coach look foolish - given his immense respect and popularity throughout the hockey world.

Nom: Yannick Weber aka “Swiss Mister 2.0” aka “the next young defencemen who the Habs give up on too quickly and then blossoms elsewhere”

Lieu de naissance: Commie-sympathizing Switzerland.

Strengths: high skill level, potential PP quarterback; speaks French.

Weaknesses: defensive play; speaks the wrong kind of freaky “Swiss” French.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Mathieu Carle (Hamilton). Carle is the next superstar Quebecois defencemen - inheriting Patrice Brisebois’s title.

Nom: Tomas Plekanec aka “Turtleplek” aka “that Little Czech Girl”

Lieu de naissance: one of those former soviet satellite states.

Strengths: skating, two-way play; fashioning stylish CH turtlenecks, boosting sales
of Habs’ merchandise.

Weaknesses: smallish, streaky scorer, gets knocked off the puck; gives young female hockey players a bad name; admires Khrushchev over Charles de Gaulle.

Should be traded for: Marc Pouliot (Edmonton Oilers). Plekanec may never have scored fewer than 20 goals in a full NHL season, but Pouliot’s potential - as shown but his 8-goal breakout season last year - makes him a lock to be the next Mario Lemieux. Trade for him RIGHT FUCKING NOW, merde.

Nom: Andrei Kostitsyn aka “Big Tits” aka “future KHL star”

Lieu de naissance: Belarus? Belarussia? Fuck that: Soviet Union.

Strengths: possesses most pure talent on the team; best nickname ever.

Weaknesses: only motivated when he plays Alex the Great; has never read or seen Les Miserables.

Should be traded for: Pascal Dupuis (Pittsburgh Penguins). This future Hall of Famer’s resume now includes a Stanley Cup ring, which he virtually single-handedly won for the Penguins despite not scoring a single point in the post season - simply his presence was enough to propel his anglophone slacker teammates to victory.

Nom: Sergei Kostitsyn aka “Little Tits” aka “that little asshole” (opponents only)

Lieu de naissance: Born in the USSR. Barely.

Strengths: gritty, in your face player with surprising talent level and a Claude Lemieux-like upside; haunts Mikeal Grabovski’s dreams - recently replacing Gargamel:

Weaknesses: he’s NOT CLAUDE LEMIEUX, câlice; probably deserves his ever-increasing rep as cheap shot artist; questionable decisions when it comes to friends (chooses gangsters wisely, though).

Should be traded for: duh, Claude Lemieux (San Jose Sharks). Wait, what do you mean the Sharks cut him?!? Is Theo Fleury available? With a name like “Fleury” he’s got to speak French, right?

Nom: Mikeal Johansson aka “the new European guy they signed that no one has heard of”

Lieu de naissance: The land of blondes and suicides

Strengths: apparently a late-blooming mature, two-way player; assembling crappy modulate furniture.

Weaknesses: smallish, hasn’t proven anything in the NHL; believes that “Cirque de Soliel” is a rare astronomical occurrence which wreaks havoc with earth-bound satellites.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Dany Masse. Clearly a mature European player originally drafted by a team with as poor a European draft record as the Detroit Red Wings is no match for a 50-goal scorer in the notoriously goal-starved “Q”.

Welcome Jaro 2.0!

Jaroslav Spacek, 3 years/$11.5 million. Can't wait for the first "Jaro Twins" post from HF4.

Buh-Bye Komo. We miss you already.

Fak You Mentreal!

This week I play great hackey against fenetestic teem the Calgary Fires of Flame. Oh so good game I pley like cousin of God. I too great for Fires of Flame and they try score many goal on me Jaro but they don’t know how to put pack in my net.

And whole crap teem Mentreal come to see me in my net after game and say “Oh Jaro, you so perfect, oh Jaro we ween because you pley beautiful hackey and we so bad teem we cant ween nothing if you not pleying in the net, please Jaro we want to make statue of you in new plaza outside Bell Centre”.

So the next day, I wait all day at home for teem to call me to see me make pose for new Jaro statue. It coud take long time to make big statue and is so expensive becase I only want statute to be in gold. So I wait all day, I don’t take nap and nobady in teem call me to make pose for naked Jaro statue.

I so tired to wait all day and so mad I sleep bad the hole night and dreem all the night of litel Jaros posing naked everywere for litel naked Jaro statues, and that one statue is litel baby Jaro drinking milk from mama Jaro boob.

I get to lacker room the next day and stupid coch say “Jaro, you pley again tomorrow against Toumpa Light”. Great teem Toumpa, with litel ant player Marty St-Louwis who so stupid he no from St-Louwis. You litel player Marty, my name is Jaro Las Angeless, now! Oh litel Marty! I not barn in Loss Angeless! Oh Marty!

Now I so angry for no gold Jaro I don’t want pley good hackey for Mentreal and fat Cari. But coch say Jaro you pley because I decide and I coch and I have power and my doghter is very fentestic.

So I pley game and teem pley so bad again, like Fires of Flame game when I beet teem by my alone self. So this time, I imagine teem come to see me after we ween in game and I pley like hero and they say they make big statue of me. Nat this time Mentreal! I nat wait again for you treeks.

So I make Toumpa great teem look like teem that ween Stanley Cap for seven years every day. And Marty crazy name score anytime he want on me. He also so small when big pleyer Vinny score he put Marty in hand and pick him up and give him kiss like agly giant that kiss small frog at end of movie when giant realize frog is not bad person and a good friend.

Fak you Mentreal, and fak you naked gold Jaro!

Oh, right, there was a game last night. Whatevs. Habs 3, Cats 1

Montreal beat Florida last night. I had it on in the background while I played cribbage and drank with my friend. I wasn't paying attention at all and the sound was off. Montreal won, and it sounded like Jaro was excellent. I would offer lap dances for everyone, but c'mon, it's Florida.

Panger would like to add, "it was definitely that type of game. I had it on, but ended up paying more attention to my hockey pools. I looked up when Jaro stood on his head, though."

Were you paying attention?

I get many moneeeys!!!

Mentreal right choose when they give me money. I meke many hackey saves more than golie Cari. Beeeautifoul blond woman behind coach Carboner will facking mee for sure now.

I Was Incredible! Feeledelfia 3, Mentreal 2

You kent alweys get wat you want, you kent always get wat you want, but if you try sometime….lalala. I lav thet song, reely fentestic museec.

Game at Bell Centre waz so baad for teem, but was joke for big clown Cari. Put your stupide red nose on your nose clown Cari! You pley like litel clown and kids laf at you and you are clown! Hole teem say to me, its ok the stupide clown pley better next time.

So we take aroplane to Feeladelfia. Stupide teem sing baxing song wen we land. You no baxers Mentreal Cenediens! You hackey guys! Hackey guys and clown guy, this is reel name of teem. Hello, I am Jaro. I pley for hackey guys and clown guy.

Now game stori. Big clown go to net. So crazy things heppen. I pley hapskatch in halls and when I cam back to bench I see only 3 filadelfia guys on ice. We are 5! I no wat heppen. Same thing in league in Parkesh when one pleyer pleying and he fall becase he skate no tied! Ha! He fall all the time. Wen he go beck to bench to tie skate, he make mistake and tie he skate to player next to him skate! Wen coach tell them to go pley they fall together on ice! So fanny!!! I think filadepihia pleyers do same thing on bench in 3 game. Stuck on bench on no cant move. Hahaha.

Mentreal so sad for filadelfia we tell feelaphia pleyers, its ok we no score on you, we pass pack until they come beck. So we pley with pack on all the ice for 2 minoutes. Pheeladelfeea pleyers untie skate laces and go beck on ice.

Then Mentreal tell golie Biron, its ok golie Biron, we have open net and you not in your position becase you fall, we wait for you to go beack in net and we shoot pack in your belly, its no fare to shoot pack if you not in your net golie Biron. If we can we also hit post for you to give you the time to bo beck to your best pasition. I hear Kepten Saku tell Biron this. Biron give him big hag. It look very man gay, like Tchecoslovaka Sunday opera.

In second period, I watch beeeautifoul blond woman behind coach Carboner all period. She make my penis go to my pads. I tell her I like her and leek the glass so mach. We probably get married soon. Then Cari soooo jelos of Jaro, he cry in net like baby clown and say “I want marry her, I want marri her!”. I laf so hard. You think beutifooul girl like this want fat guy like you? Cari you cat your hair you look like peecack. I call you Chanel 5 Cari always now! And you want girl? No way Channel 5, she is for me.

So Cari pley 20 meenutes of so crep hackey. Filadelphia have 1 shat in second period and score 3 gols! So in break, coch tell me Jaro, you pley period 3. I tell coch “ no, I have date with Virginia, blond girl behind the bench!” Cocah no understand and I have to pley. But she watch me so I pley good. I make so many saves! Two! Two saves!!!! Marri me Virginia!!!!!!

Teem try to fix Cari crep clown hackey but also no want to hurt Biron feelings so only make 2 gols. Mentreal want to be nice becase every fieldephia fan have oroange ts-hirt say “Cenediens”. Papa call me after geme and say “That was most incrredibel golie performance alltime in history of Chekoslovakia. Everbady is celebrating with big parade outside. You make two saves and give all children hope. They change name of street from Havel Street to Havel Boulevard . women hagging each other crying saying ‘did you see Jaro saves?’ Tomoarrow no work here, netional haliday”. Coach tell me that becase my 2 saves I probably ween Conn Smythe trophy. I think so too. Cari ween Clown Smythe trophy!!!

OK bye!

I Got the Powa!!! Habs 3, Islands 0

Look at me! Look at me! No goal behind my ass becase I heve talant. My teemates play like sheet. Stupide mistakes all the game and if I not there they loose the game like a defecting Cuban pitcher looses he family.

OK now Mantreal you say Jaro, Jaro you so good and incredible and great, please please play in the net again for next game becase we want more matches no goals. Thees is what I say to coaches for three facking years in city of masturbation Hemilton. I make good plays, put me in the goal in Mentreal, I’m a pro. “No Jaro, you knit sweaters for teem, or No, Jaro, play Mantreal with Ea Sports, same thing”. Fak you you stupide coaches you make me go crazy so long.

Now big ugly Cari have game of shit against the Senators. Ohhh I’m sooo scared! The Senators are so good and I am so small, like clitoris of woman mosquito. That what Cari say before game, little baby idiot. He play trembling all game and Mentreal make so big poop for 3 periods.

Now coach come to me after Poopopalooza against the Senators and he say “Jaro, get ready for Saturday”. I tell him, I know fat guy from Superbad on SNL, I tape it for sure! He meen no, I play game on Saturday. Me? Play? Fak you coach Carboner!

How many mankeys it takes to screw light bulb?

It take six mankeys to screw light bulb.

OK, so now I have to be ready because now, oh we HAVE to win, game is SO important that after watching movie Jesus of Nazareth 17 facking time, I can play one stupid faking game in Mantreal, where I never make a shit game before.

And from beginning, team play like autistic larva and if me not there we have maybe 18 goals against us in first period. Cari stupid jerk play PSP on bench and not look at me play like King Jaro once! I see Kepten Saku play Sudoku and ask Lapierre for to help him. Stupid Lapierre? He don’t know to count!! New York Islands mach better teem than Mantreal shit. More talant and better sweter and big colors. They play without 32 of their regular players. I recognize some players from porno theater in Prague. They not even hackey players but they play so better than Mantreal.

Fans scream my name Halak Halak Halak!! You crazy stupid fans, why you wait so long time to make love to me. Why we not make love in Hemilton. It only 2 hours in car. Nooo!!! We snob fans from Mantreal, we not care about farm team in Hemilton. We not like goats and chickens and cows. Now you love to me. You are like girls. Jaro who? What?, when I ask you for blowjob in bar, but now I win a game a make no goal match, now it’s OH Jaro! You so big! Please follow me to bathroom!!! Stupid fans. You only love me if I win. You not love me for me, like my family, who come to bathroom with me no metter what.

Now coach Boner tell me today, Hey Jaro, can you do this again like Saturday? Coach Carbonnies he so stupid, he look like hooker from Bratislava kiss him with that sore on his lip. He get that from “Happy Finish” in hotel in Anaheim. I tell this teem for soooo long, make me play. No! Jaro! Cristobal’s is too good, he croshed like Parisian pastry if we make him sit. No Jaro! Cari is too good, he is like young Skywalker. We have to a grow his talant. No! Jaro! That man has no legs, he great goalie because he have determination to fight.

Now you all see I am special goalie and you put red carpet in front of me. OK, red carpet for anthem. So what? Meantreal!!!! Listen me!!!!Now I have power! I play when I want to play!!!! I decide my games forever!!!!!!! Fak you stupid Kepten, go play your Sakudoku.

…can I play tomorrow?

Glass Halak Empty or Halak Full?, 1st game: Habs 1, Flyers 0, 2nd game: Habs 5, Flyers 3

First the no-nos.

No talks about sweeps here. Save the brooms for the playoffs children. Call this one exactly what is was: two wins in a regular season home and home.

Also, no talk about the Habs being in first place in the East. If the playoffs started today, they would be in fourth, Leaf fans would be consoling themselves in homosexual hugs, and I would still want to have sex with Beyonce.

Interesting thing today is that despite these two wins over Philadelphia and a hard fought four points taken from an important conference rival, Habs fans seem overly cautious, glass half emptyish. Gagné was out, Hatcher was out, Koivu seems shackeld, the power play is fizzling, yada yada.

In the spirit of this rampant pessimism in Montreal, we thought it best to have the two weekend games reviewed by the only person with ties to this city that has any reason to hurl invective at the Canadiens.

The game reviews as seen by Montreal Canadien third string goalie, Jaroslav Halak:

Mantreal Canedien facking assholes. They play like crep. Two big weens this weekend heh? Fak you. They are just lacky teem with no talant and terrible kepten. Koivu look like bug. I crosh him like litel ant.

Maybe I no talk like thees if Canedien dont treet me like manky shit. Last year, I play stending on my head in Hemilton weech look like public toilets in Prague. Nathing to do in this stupid city but masturbate. I do it much. I like to do it. Eneyway. I play like rock star all year in smelly Hemilton and Bulldag gonna make playoff. Then I see that Cristoball Hueet (do I say the T or no?) get hurt in penis and Davide Aebercombie have to play all games in important playoff putsch, sorry, push. Aebercombie play like aborted donkey and Mantreal have serious problem to no make playoff.

Ring ring, my phone rings and now my meneger tell me to go to Mentreal. I so heppy to go out of this crepy Hemilton that I urinate on hotel room bed and in Hemilton city hall. Maybe made white pee too. I don't remember. So I go to Mantreal, and I stand on my head for first game, then second one, and I do this many time.

I look in peper in morning and every days I see Mentreal in higher place on the peper then the day before. I ask myself if the meneger of the peper have to make top of page longer because Mentreal go higher on page everyday. What if no room? Meneger of peper not call me back.

So I play good for 2 manths in Mentreal. Sometime coach tell Aebercrombie to play and he make shit in net. So they tell me to play for good. In my time in Mentreal, I started see Cristoball in dressing room. His penis getting stronger and bigger so i got scared about he going to my net and not me. I also no want to go beck to Hemilton where I make pee. So on last day of year I see Cristoball in room. He penis look good. Really good. Coach say, hey cristo good penis! you play tonight in Torronto.

I say no coach! Big game! I want to play Torronto! Coach say Huwet have good penis and he have to go in net. But that I needed to help Hemilton to win cap in playoff. I watch game form bench in Torronto. Huewet make very big poop and Mentreal don't have playoff. People in crowds with Mentreal sweter say they kill our children. Coach put knife to Kovalev throat. Big mess. I say, I no like Mentreal, I miss Hemilton. Want to make cap win there.

I go back to Hemilton after getting screw fram Canedien. Bulldag, my team all the year. I arrive in dress room and i see big man putting pads in my place in room. I say to him, Hello big and quiet boy, please move, this is my place. So then then coach who hear this tell me, no no, Jaroslav, this is new goalie, Cari Price. He play here now. He play tonight and every game. You just practice and make stew for team.

I not play one game in playoff. We win chempionship and I dont do anything. Facking Price do everything and even make lav to my girlfriend.

So now this year I say maybe Mantreal will trade me. No they keep me in Hemilton and ask me to play well. Price in Mentreal, not me. But he make some shit in net and I go to Mentreal to help. I dont play even one game, only help twice when Hwet have penis problems. I go beck to Hemilton when Price play good.

Fak you Mentreal. I saw games with Filadefphia. Ypu play like shits.

1st game

In Mentreal you only score one goal. You loozers. Stupid Kartstitsoon score on back like clown. Very ugly goal. Nitoomackee bad in net. Price play alone in thirs period with two minute 5 on 3. He stop everything because lacky. No talent, just bad Phladelfia with no talent. Mentreal play bad. Look.

Kovalev: 0 goals

Koivu: 0 goals

Plekanc: 0 goals

Ryder: eat pupcorn

Begin: 0 goal

Higgines: 0 goals

Price: 0 goals

Latendresse: 0 goals

Lapierre: fat and 0 goals

Kostopoo: 0 goals and 1 soupena

Oburn: 0 goals

Markov: 0 goals

Hamerlik: 0 goals

0 goals, 0 goals. So bad.

So now you give yourself blowjab because you win and you happy. But you play so bad because you only score one clown goal and everybody in Flodelfia no play because hurt penis.

2nd game

In Pheelie, Merntral you think you gonna win again because you so tuf. Ha! You play so bad. Plekanec make very bad pass from backhand in back of net and he sooo lacky Kovalev stay in front of net and score ugly goal. Then big Phieeladephia score so quick becase you so bad. Price is weak like lady bug with maltiple sclerosis. Then Mantreal you score again lacky goal because Josh Gerogie so pussy no want to fight. He no fight and then Boiullon score goal alone becase everybody in phladlehia players stay behind to fight like men. But no! Gierogie is so woman he no fighjt and Mentreal sneeky player continue to skaet like cowards and score goal alone. Shame on you Mentreal to play like Romanian gypsies.

Then Philadefia no want to play the pussies no more and just skate for two periods to just finish game. so Mentreal score more goals. Even one with Neetomakee on bench and nobady in Philoodephia net! Hahahaha! That no count! Then with game almost finish Price make a big crap and Philadephia score and I think they should win game becaase they score last.

You not in first Mentreal, only four because top 3 is for men teams, you are woman team.

If you make playoff don't call me if Hwet have hurt penis, I won't come back. I will win trophy in Hemilton. I go drown Yan Danis now.

There you have it folks. A wounded man with his wounded pride, incapable of acknowledging that Montreal had a pretty good weekend. First place, almost.