Habsbuzz Exclusive Malkin to Montreal? - Pittsburgh Game Preview and Open Thread

Habsbuzz has been hearing from sources all day today that "something big is going down in Montreal" tonight, where the Habs are hosting the Penguins at the Bell Centre at 7:30, on RDS, and TSN-Habs. Remember, Habsbuzz only reports the rumours it hears or makes up its own rumours to get site hits, so this one is definitely an E5 blockbuster. It's bigger than the 8-1 beating the Pens laid on the Lightning last night. Bigger than the great start from the Wizzinator. It's Richard Park big.

It's no secret that the Habs are struggling and they need a big centre, and as Habsbuzz knows, Malkin needs to be "the man" on his own team. Habsbuzz knows this because that one time Malkin scored a lot of points when Sidney Crosby was hurt and so therefore Habsbuzz's brilliant hockey mind deduced that Malkin wants out of Pittsburgh to be the man on his own team. But with Crosby entrenched at number 1 in Pittsburgh (and fresh off a 50 points in 25 games streak) and Jordan Staal back from injury, the Pens can move a centre for Crosby's wingers, even though Chris Kunitz had 3 goals last night and Crosby is tearing the league apart with Kunitz and Dupuis as his wingers. Listen, Habsbuzz doesn't claim its rumours make sense, or that we are even thinking before we write shit. We just make up ... er, report what our many, many, very highly respected and mysterious sources tell us. Lots of respected sources who speak to us unqualified, anonymous bloggers ALL THE TIME.

It won't be a trade of Carey Price for Marc-Andre Fleury, because new All-Star Fleury and the currently struggling Price (4.14 GAA and .833 SP in his last two) aren't being mentioned in the rumours my respected, well-connected sources are discussing. It also won't be injured Canadiens defenders Andrei Markov (out indefinitely) or Josh Gorges (sore knee) or crocked Pens Mike Comrie (hip surgery, out indefinitely), Eric Godard (day-to-day with broken nose) or Alex Grant (broken wrist, out indefinitely) because they are injured, as I know from my trusted, super-secret sources at TSN. Wait, I mean, my super-secret informants in various high-level positions all across hockey. Yeah, that's it.

The trade also won't include struggling rookie PK Subban or excellent power-play QB Kris Letang (36 points in 41 games) or ice cold Habs centres Tomas Plekanec (suddenly only on pace for 65 points after running over a point per game to start the year) or Scott Gomez. Habsbuzz's uber-super-secret but highly influential and never too busy to talk to us even though we are an anonymous hack making shit up on the interweb and they are highly-regarded, Stanley Cup winning GM's, presidents, scouts and other fans making shit up and (mostly) Darren Dreger and Bob McKenzie's tweets - wait, forget I said that - would only tell me the most outlandish - I mean, perfectly reasonable - trade rumours. Even though they aren't rumours but actual, honest-to-goodness made up facts. Um, unless they aren't true, then it's because something got messed up and the teams backed off. Totally. Habsbuzz has to report what Habsbuzz hears...That's Habsbuzz's job. Yours is to debate why such a thing would happen. Habsbuzz tries to not censor with Habsbuzz's own opinions.

Of course, Habsbuzz's opinion is (according to my highly imaginative, made-up super KGB level secret sources) that the Pens are ready to make a move that will bring Malkin to Montreal, if he isn't there already. Malkin to Montreal, along with Pascal Dupuis, with Mike Cammalleri, Andrei Kostitsyn and Yanick Weber going the other way. This is imminent and will be confirmed as soon as today, or later than that, or possibly there will be another big deal otherwise. Look for Langenbrunner to Toronto and Pavelski to Toronto and the Rangers to make a deal and Calgary to send Iginla off right away or sooner or later too because Habsbuzz's super-secret M15 Kremlin insiders Gary Bettman's secretary Brian Burke-cause he never shuts up- Reggie Houle's lovechild in the know sources said something might happen. E5 E5 E5.

Got an outlandish but in the realm of possibility by 0.0000000000001% rumour or trade happening?  Leave it in the comments. 

Whoever Makes More "History Will be Made" Videos Will Win Tonight: Habs-Pens Game 5 Preview and Open Thread

We're gonna need some more of this, Cammy

It's the Battle of the rivers: Three Rivers vs. St-Laurent. By name, you would think it's a mismatch because poor little St-Laurent has to take on 3 rivers, which is really unfair.

From the looks of the picture above, Montreal's introduction into MLS in 2012 could not come at a better time. Cammalleri already has a name that could well precede "GOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!! CAMMALLLLLLLERRRRRI GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!!!!!"

But it's going to take more than River fights and soccer (but football)/hockey goals. It's going to take a better second period. I don't know, maybe it doesn't...The Habs have taken 3 shots in 5 second periods during these playoffs. They've won 4 of those games. Expect Montreal to play the typical road game which means that 3 shots in a period may even be a generous standard.

Markov has made the trip. Which of course means that he just enjoys Air Canada dinners. "I love the food. I love the foil packaging, makes me feel like I can take my time to eat and the food will always be warm. I love the little TV on the back of the chair. This is cool. I want to install TVs on the back of our pillows at home. I love the little movies about the city you gonna visit. This really prepares me for my visit. That's why I make the trip."

Game 5. It sets up Game 6, the game where a team is necessarily trying to stave off elimination. It's going to be a furious battle and expect Pittsburgh to roar through this one because they know how trapped they could be down 3-2 in Game 6 on the road with a hot goaltender in their way.

Now it's time.

When: 7 p.m. EST

Where: Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh.

Gino Crosby attack coming soon? Jaro be warned, these boys have been under the radar for too long in this series.

Andrei K attack coming soon? No.

More footie in you Cammy? Better not be intentional footie cause the refs will waive that shit off.

More bear hugging moves to pull down our young phenom at his blue line to ride in clear for a breakaway goal you cataract fucking poster child refs??!!!?!?!?!? Cue Friday the 13th music. Chi chi chi chi, che che che che......

Adult entertainment: S&M with your partner involving steel (God no, not Penguins).

What does it take for a win tonight folks. Kindly respond by leaving a comment and we'll comment right back.

Ten Things I Hate About ... the Pittsburgh Penguins

So you're just gonna wear that out in public?

We hate. We hate a lot. We hate our eternal rivals, thugs, Western Canadian Cup-stealers, Western Conference franchise player-stealers, and big-city blowhards with one Cup to show for seventy years of ineptitude. But most of all, we hate it when Lord Stanley's mug resides in someone else's trophy case. So until further notice, here's some reasons to hate the guys who have our birthright.

10 Things I Hate About the Pittsburgh Penguins

10. They have this. We wants it.

9. They have him and him. We wants them.

8. Pittsburgh. Penguins. Fuck alliteration. You sound like a high school team.

7. The CSKA Penguins. Does anyone remember this? The Pens went out and bought a stake in CSKA Moscow, only the most famous team in Russian hockey, and turned them into a walking joke. For any fan of the game's history, seeing the team of Kharmalov, the KLM line, Tretiak and Fetisov sporting that fucking ugly skating Penguin was a travesty.

6. Ulf Samuelson destroying Cam Neely's leg with a cheapshot ... no wait, that was FUCKING FANTASTIC. I fucking hate Cam Neely. Um ... Rick Kehoe's pornostache always freaked me out as a kid?

5. The Penguins historically comical uniform choices include this, this, this, and this. That's not even half of the changes, in just 42 years of existence. Pick. A. Fucking. Uniform. That. Doesn't. Suck.

4. Play-by-play man Mike Lange was amusing in Mario's heyday, but now he's an uncontrollable geyser of stupidity thanks to a thousand appearances on ESPN and TSN top tens. "Buy Sam a drink and get his dog one too"? Buy yourself a pistol and put us all out of our misery, for fucksakes.

3. Stole Ron Francis & Ulf Samuelsson for John Cullen and Zarley Zalapski. Fuck me.

2. Jaromir Jagr. The hair. The damn Jofa helmet with that hair. The fact that the Pens lucked into him at fifth overall and picked him with fucking awful, awful hair. The ridiculous luck of pairing Jagr with Lemieux (did I mention that fucking hair?)

1. 1975: The Pens creditors come knocking, since the team can't pay its bills. The fans aren't coming, the team is bankrupt, and just before the Pens are contracted or moved, a last-ditch effort saves them.

1983: The fans aren't coming to see the league worst Pens, the creditors are chasing the owners, Roberto Romano is starting games in goal to tank in an effort to get Mario Lemieux. Amazingly, a last-ditch effort saves the team from moving a second time.

1998: Despite having the talents of Lemieux, Jagr, Francis, Zubov, and others for the last decade, the Pens can't draw enough fans to the Igloo and start deferring player salaries. The team files for bankruptcy for the second time in their history, and (wait for it) only a last-ditch deal put together by Mario himself saves the team from moving for the third fucking time.

2001 and on: Still needing to cut costs, the Pens trade off Jagr, Alexei Kovalev, Robert Lang, Martin Straka and anyone else earning a major-league salary, plummeting to the basement a la 1983-84. The Pens end up picking no lower than 2nd for four straight years and end up with Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal to show for it.

So, to sum up: The Pens spend years struggling, the fans stay away, the team almost folds or contracts, the fans rally for a few years and fill the building when the high draft picks lead them to glory. Rinse. Repeat. Congratulations, you bunch of front-running fuckheads, you're the Florida Marlins of hockey!

We Still Loath the Broons, but Tonight's About the Penguins: Game Preview and Open Thread

After seeing this picture, Panger bought a Tuxedo and booked a flight to Antarctica.

Last game of the season? Wow, has it been 90 games (including 9 exhibition) already? It seems like just yesterday the Fucking Habs were getting pasted 8-3 by Boston in Halifax. It was September 22 you say? Wow. No more time t0 look back - although I'm sure that will happen soon enough - as the Fucking Habs must win today to avoid playing the Broons in the first round. Is facing the Ovie-led Caps any better? I say yes, because frankly I'm just sick of playing Boston, and if we lose to them (I have a sneaking suspicion this is not an upset year) I'll have to join HF10 in ritual hari-kari. Yes, we're both samurai.

Anywho, me likie the bullet points as much as HF29, so let's set up this regular season finale, FHF style:

• 7:00pm EDT/ 5:00pm MDT, Bell Centre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, The World.
• Saturday night means CBC and RDS. Although I'm not sure if the Montreal game will be available anywhere but Quebec as the CBC will probably pimp two non-playoff Southern Ontario-based teams nationwide (I'll let you figure out which), giving Don Cherry one last chance to give the Leafs a verbal blowjob.
• I'm praying the this is the last regular season game for Homer Brunet. Fucking idiot. Please wake up, Mr. Head-of-RDS-On-Air-Talent, and bring back Yvon.
• While they are still officially in Fucking Habs territory with three straight losses, it was encouraging to see them outplay Boston in the last half of the game, and not fall for Boston's goonery/bafoonery. Speaking of which, I'm now officially gay for Micheal Komisarek: all is forgiven Doom. Just wanted to share.
• Oh, and before I forget: fuck that little fucktard Lucic and that Shaved Gorilla, Chara.
• After looking like they'd be playing golf come April only a couple of months ago, the Pens have a shot (albeit slim) at 4th. They've won 3 in a row and 7 of 10, and they've got something to play for. Terrific!
• Apparently Bob is panicin...err juggling his lines tonight: Saks plays with the Hands of Stone, BGL and Stewart (do we not have a nickname for this guy yet?), Metro plays with Kovy, Tangy gets a rest and Rhino gets his ass nailed to a press box seat. TFS (tm) starts - not surprising since he loves to play the guy who went higher than him in the 2005 draft.
• Headline: Penguins Summon Satan. I haven't even read it, but I can tell you that this is a great article, just for the title. Here's praying (pun intended) he signs with the Devils in the offseason. Of course I've said that for the last 10 years.
• ZombiePleks has now gone 12 straight without seeing red. But he promises he'll turn it on in the playoffs. Peest, Pleks: It's not a switch. It's called going to the net. Look into it. Big Tits has taken up residence in this bullet, too.
• Gino Malkin has to qualify as the hottest player in the league this season, as he leads Ovie by 4 points with a game left for each. Sid the Kid gets an honourable mention for sticking up for his league-leading teammate by fighting Keith Ballard. Here's the tape. I can only assume this is from a Cats broadcast because there is no way that Ballard "cleaned Crosby's clock". (And yes, broadcasters, when your team's leading scorer gets hammered, you DO have to respond.)
• After starting out hot playing next to Sid, Bill Guerin has come back to earth like John Glenn: too old to think he'll ever go back up. MA Fleury is cold, too, giving up 4 goals a game the past couple, with a GAA well below .900 (that's bad).
• For more Pens-friendly fare, follow Rhonda's Penguin Obsession.
• No strip club tonight kids, it's Holy Saturday. Go pray to your gods.

Two quizzes for the commentators tonight: first, who would you rather play, Boston or Washington, and show your work. Second, let's get Gregory Stewart a nickname, he's earned it.

Hockey Gods Finally Land Karmic Knockout on Flyers, Announce Little Fuckity-Fuck is Next

And there is much rejoicing at FHF headquarters and in every NHL city save Philly, as the hated Flyers get their karmic comeuppance at the hands of Sid, Geno, MAF, and Staal. Thank Christ. Now if the Wings can get their act together and knock off the little fuckity-fuck (the so-far invisible in the series little fuckity-fuck, I might add) we can all sit back and enjoy our summer.

Flightless Birds 2, Fightless Habs 0

Injured Sidney Crosby = cure for insomnia. Who knew? Anyway, here's an abbreviated game review as FHF has to run out and buy chips and dip for the long afternoon on the coach watching football this afternoon. Go Pats!

The Sky is Falling: If it is, we slept through it. No one played great, although allowing Georges Laraque to look like Wayne Gretzky on that first goal is unforgivable. I guess that makes Dany Sabourin Grant Fuhr. As HF29 would say, this was one of those 'trap' games, where everyone was counting out the Pens after Sid the Kid's injury, and they were out to prove something. Plus, they are one of the few teams hotter than the Habs right now. So I guess what I'm saying is don't be afraid to leave your house, the sky may not actually be falling.

Plan the Parade: No one played awful. Huet made a couple of big stops early. DOOM turned 26.

Who knew we'd long for the days of Todd Ewen? While we're not big fans of goon hockey (see Clarke, Bobby) it would have been nice to have someone stand up and fight Laraque. And not DOOM (too valuable) or Greek Lightning (too likely to be killed). Hell, we'd even settle for Aaron Downey.

Chez Paree Bound: Not a night for this kind of excitement. Go home and get a good sleep, boys. Well except DOOM - it is his birthday, and we're not heartless.

Next Evil Foe: The Broons visit on Tuesday. If you need a reminder for while all things Bruin are evil just remember: Terry O'Reilly, Mike Milbury, Don Cherry, Cam Neely, and of course Jeremy Jacobs (although if the team's own fans hates their owner more than the opponent's fans, can we still rely on that as motivation?) And if you're at the game, remember to boo Chara.

"Ladies and gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, Sidney Crosby" - Game Preview and Open Thread (Technical Difficulties Edition)

Hey there! HF29 here, struggling with technical difficulties. My laptop's screen no longer functions after months of me having (lawyer alert) willful blindness about the problem. I have hooked up my computer to the teevee, but the resolution is problematic. Is the stripper above even good looking? I can't tell. I also can't really spot typos, so who knows wtf I am typing.

So my apologies for not giving you a full preview, but I don't want to overload you with tyyypos. So here's some basics - 7 PM start in The Burgh, on RDS and CBC (Quebec and East only). Habs on a 3 game win streak, woohoo! Carey Price will be between the stripper poles. Michael Ryder will be between Pittsburgh and oblivion.

K let's hear your dirty, dirty thoughts on the game in the comments.