Our Long National Nightmare is Over

If you think I'm posting a pic of that waffling bastard when lovely ladies like this exist, you're on the wrong site

Wait, this is what we've been waiting for? Six fucking months of breathless news updates, 50,000 Eklund "the Habs are still in this (E5)" fucking posts, a different Gomez to Edmonton/Vancouver or Rosival to Anyone Willing to Take Him Ranger salary dump rumours every week, and this is the finish? It's the Canucks? Sweet fucking Christ on a bike, that was a fucking waste of time.

I'm not going to rehash any of the "rental player" comments, because Not-So-Welcome Mats will be hearing that one for the rest of his sorta-kinda tainted career and retirement. And if you're looking for the enraged, bitter, "he shoulda signed with us" Habs fan point of view, move on. Frankly, I'm almost blase about the whole thing. Seriously, the Canucks? The fucking Canucks? When it looked like Mats to the Rangers was a done deal yesterday, I sent the rest of the FHF the following email:

"Guys, if Sundin announces today, I got something to say about it. Actually, whenever he announces, I've got something to say about it. Spolier alert: There's a wee bit of cursing."

I was ready to go Mickey Ribs wild on Mats. The idea that he would jerk around so many teams for so long (yes, our beloved Habitants included) and then sign for the Rangers made my expletive regulator blow right off. Not sure why. Now, with Mats signed to the Canucks, I'm strangely zen about the whole thing.

Well, not entirely zen. The breathless, will he, won't he, he sold his house, the Rangers have a deal in place, the Canucks offered him $50 billion dollars and the Sedin twins' sister, Bob Gainey met Mats and cooked him a lovely seafood dinner, CONSTANT FUCKING MEDIA BARRAGE drove me batshit. At the very least, Mats Sundin deserves a massive fuck you and a smack across his big bald undecided pate for allowing this fucking circus to go on for so long, especially considering the countless rumoured deadlines he or his agent put in place all fucking summer and fall. Fuck.

At least now, after the wailing, gnashing of teeth and "love him/hate him" debate from Toronto subsides, and the signing is beaten to death from every angle, we can all expect to hear a lot less about Mats, his vacation habits, his desire for privacy, the rumoured deal Fletcher had in place, blah blah blah. It's over. For fucks sake, it's finally over.

Until his first fucking game. Then it's really over. Until Hockey Day in Canada, which just happens to be the only Canucks-Leafs meeting this year. Then it's really, really over. (Fuck. Ron Maclean and Kelly Hrudey and PJ Stock and Steve Armitage and Cassie Campbell and every other fuck at the CBC are going to flog that fucking dead horse for 12 straight hours ... it will make a Manning vs Manning Superbowl look subdued).

But for now, we can rest, knowing that the Canucks have greatly improved their chances of getting steamrolled in the Western Final by San Jose instead of meekly surrendering in the semis or quarters to Detroit or Anaheim or Chicago. Fucking bravo, Mike Gillis. Fucking bravo, Mats. (Once again, I'll leave the "Mats will go to the place where he has the best chance to compete for a Cup" stuff to others.) [Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough.] It's finally fucking over.

Hey, anyone hear any Kovalchuk rumours?

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of you drafting Tom Brady in the first round of your fantasy league...

• See this is why I like TMS, I can bury the Sundin news in it. Mats apparently had a nice positive meeting with Bob over the weekend. Sounds like Bob basically told him to shit or get off the pot. NICE.

Anyone look at a calendar lately? Rookies show up in 6 days, everyone else has their physicals in 9 days, and the exhibition season starts in 13 days. Holy fuck, we might have to get to work around here pretty soon.

UPDATE - As FHF regular JT mentioned in the comments, the RDS report is actually based on her blog report. Which RDS did not credit. But we do. Fine reporting JT.

Sundin enjoying summer sports so much he can't be bothered with this hockey thing

Fuck, we know, another Sundin post. We know you prefer sportscaster lesbian erotica (see next post down if that phrase shocked you), but we guess this is news. Maybe. Sort of.

Sundin had a press conference in Sweden today and announced "I will not make up my mind before the season starts."

Whatever. Fuck you, Mats.

Gainey on Mats: "I don't have a fucking clue what that big dumb bastard is doing"

"Seriously, do any of you guys know what he's fucking doing?"

Canadiens General Manager Bob Gainey addressed the Mats Sundin saga/soap opera/sideshow/clusterfuck yesterday, and he's in the same boat as all of us, apparently:

"We haven't had much contact with him. It appears he's not interested. He hasn't asked many questions about the organization ... We haven't spoken to Sundin's camp for at least a week," he told RDS. "There's nothing new, he hasn't decided anything yet. He told me he'd decide in August and today's the 26th. We'll know, provided he respects his own due date, his decision should come sometime throughout the next week."

Gainey also stated he felt the Habs were the perfect team for Sundin at this point in his career. While that is debatable, the Canadiens certainly do offer an enticing blend of young talent, history, and a rabid fanbase, making them an attractive proposition for many players (idiot media, language police, taxes, and general crazy excluded.)

But frankly, this whole thing has gone on way too long. Is Mats Sundin really this conflicted? Is he selfish? Just fucking obtuse? He must know that by this point any decision he makes will be greeted more with a "fucking finally!" than anything else. Reports keep mentioning "five or six teams" whose current players, fans and management are all going to have quite the bone to pick with Mats if and when he decides on a destination. You don't think he'll hear it in Philly or New York or Montreal if he signs elsewhere? You don't think Leaf fans will brand him a Judas if he leaves Toronto for Montreal for free rather than for a boatload of picks and players? You don't think there will be some resentment even in the room he finally deigns to join after this whole act? At this point, I want Sundin to go somewhere else so I can boo his ass everytime I see him. How do you think the Canadiens feel? Fuck, Alex Tanguay can't even pick his jersey number just in case Sundin gets his fucking head on straight and makes a decision.

I'm sure it wasn't your intention to drag this out, Mats. I'm pretty sure you aren't a prima donna, but I'm stunned that this has gone on so long. But please, do SOMETHING. Go to the Rangers and be the man on Broadway. Take the no pressure way and go to the Leafs, where they might (might) forgive you and love you again. Sign with Detroit and blend into the background for a Cup. Retire. Whatever. I don't care anymore. Just stop fucking jerking Bob Gainey, the Habs, and their fans around.

This Just In: SUNDIN SIGNS!

Is having a sale! Yes, you heard it right. Sundin Signs, right off the E5 in Eklund, Minnesota, is having a monster off-season sale. Everything must go, and we will ship (almost) anywhere! New York? Montreal?* Vancouver? Toronto? Philadelphia? Heck, if you want, Sundin will ship all the way to Sweden!

HUGE DISCOUNTS available for any orders from the Greater New York area. (Excluding Newark, Long Island, or Buffalo.)

*Quebec residents must ensure all provincial taxes are included in Sundin pricing.

SPECIAL SUNDIN SIGNS SUPPORT FOR OUR TROOPS! See here for details!

In Praise of Mats

Leading scorer? Check. Letter on his chest? Check. All-Star? Check. Olympic Gold Medallist? Check. Swedish? Check. Gentleman? Check. Stayed out of the penalty box? Check. Point-per-game player over his career, good for 30 goals a year, ran the power play? Check, check, check. Cool nickname? (Le Petit Viking?) You better believe that's a check.

Oh, one more thing: 19 points to lead the Habs in scoring in a little thing called the 1986 Stanley Cup playoffs. You might remember it more like this.

A Mats helping lead the Habs to a long-overdue Cup? Check.

All hail Le Petit Viking, the Mats we know and love. The Mats who wasn't tall enough to climb the fence, let alone sit on it all fucking summer.

Like Us Jews Haven't Been Waiting Enough

In this undated photo, a Jewish man is seen patiently waiting for the Messiah

Mats, I just want to tell you that my tribe has done enough waiting to last a lifetime. We're done with it. We've made enormous mistakes in the throes of our waiting game.

Prance around the desert and cook bread that looks like a feeble cracker. - The Messiah never came.

Build the Temple. - The Messiah never showed up.

Rebuild the Temple. - The Messiah stood us up.

Conquer Palestinian Land, evict the Palestinians - you know, violate a bunch of human rights and all that jazz. - No Messiah.

Resist Arab aggression and firmly establish a Jewish state to coincide with the biblical depiction of Israel. - No Messiah in sight.

Defy a flurry of Arab violations of basic human rights - respond in kind with new set of infringements. - Is that the Messiah at the door? Nope.

Watch and overtly enjoy every Mel Brooks movie ever made, including Robin Hood: Men in Tights. - Hey! Well if it isn't the Messi...um, no, no that's not him. Just the mailman.

Give Yasser Arafat a small role in the musical Annie (look for him in a cameo as one of the little orphan girls - a moving performance). - I don't think he's gonna show.

Draft Mathieu Schneider. - Donde esta il messiah? (upside down question mark) Il Messiah non esta aqui.

So Mats, if you think I'm going to fall into this waiting trap again, I, no, WE, we the Jews, know better. Forget it, take your schmekel someplace else.

TMS Pops In to Say "Fuck You Mats"

Hey kids! TMS here, back from the land of no hockey news to react to the most recent report from TSN about Mats Sundin. This one reports that Sundin's agent, JP Barry, is now saying a decision is not coming any time soon, and that decision may be to retire.

TMS speaks for everyone in Montreal, Vancouver, New York and whoever the other interested cities are when we say Fuck You Mats. We're tired of this shit, and we don't even want you any more. Your bullshit masturbatory fence-sitting shows you really have no interest in wanting one last chance to win the Cup with the most storied franchise in the history of sports.

And if you do come, we'll just pretend this little mini-rant never happened.

Habs Sign Sundin to 2-year, $17 Million Dollar Deal

*may not be true. Eklund, we can make shit up as well as you.

Yet Another Fucking Sundin Post

Mike Boone over at Habs I/O (btw since Boone has been the only one writing over there lately, it doesn't totally suck any more) breaks down the Eklund crap about the Habs and Sundin. It strongly suggests Sundin is coming here. By Monday.

Yeah, whatever Eklund. But at least you gave me an excuse to post a Swedish babe with "NASTY" tattooed on her in a cool place.

Sundin Sweden Something Something Sorry I'm Distracted

This is Victoria Silvstedt, Swedish supermodel. She was a world-class skier and posed for Playboy. She's mildly attractive.

I bring her up because as we discovered yesterday, this Sundin business is a great (lame) excuse to post Swedish babes. And there is Sundin news! Well, if you can call Bob Mackenzie of TSN reporting news.

So Big Fat Bob reports that Sundin is most likely headed to free agency. Bob (Habs' Bob) wants to go to Sweden and woo Sundin with promises of cash and playing in a fishbowl worse than Toronto, but Mats is cock-blocking him and has shown no interest in the visit. Also interesting is that Sundin wanted to have the Rangers have the exclusive negotiating rights the Habs have now, but the Rangers already have too many over-priced Euros and weren't interested.

Rest assured we will continue to cover the Sundin story as long as our supply of hot Swedish babe photos holds out.

I, for öne, welcome öur new Swedish överlords

Got an email today from fifth Hab Fan Mike. He asked why "there was no Sundin talk on the blog." It was a point, well, taken. I responded: until he signs, or doesn't sign, or shows some fucking interest in actually playing here, what's the point?

I just realised the point - posting pictures of Swedish babes.

So is he coming? Do we want him? I'll let you guys decide. While I welcome our new Swedish overlords, I'm really indifferent to the whole Sundin thing.

P.S. Fuck you, LA Times. The wild times will continue here forever.