Friday, May 30, 2008

Hot Babe With a Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This is Kristin Bell, star of Veronica Mars and Heroes. She just gave an interview to wherein she said she would like to "take an afternoon sponge bath in the Stanley Cup."* She also said that she was photographed in a school-girl outfit with the Cup (yowsa!) and that she would like to "fuck Chris Osgood."**

*actual quote
**may not be actual quote

TMS Reports - Luc Bourdon, 1987-2008

Today TMS is joke-free, as we report on the tragic death of Vancouver Canucks Defenseman Luc Bourdon, who died yesterday in a motorcycle crash, at the age of 21.

Anyone who is a fan of the World Juniors knows Bourdon, who helped lead Team Canada to gold in both 2006 and 2007. This was after being drafted 10th overall by the Canucks in 2005. He scored two goals and was a plus-7 in 27 games with the Canucks last season.

Sympathies to his family and RIP Luc.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Morning Skate for Thursday, May 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being gay in New York...
  • Pens score goals! And win! Sid looks the Hockey Jesus we all claim he is, pots two to lead the Pens out of the gutter and into a series;
  • Let's start those Sundin to the Habs rumours right now, shall we?

What time is it? Man all those vodka Red Bulls in the Holy Land are coming back to bite me in the ass. And I need to stay awake for the Lost season finale tonight. Move that island, Locke!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

TMS Classic Returns From the Holy Land

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering what the fuck day and / or time it is...
  • Don't ask me, it's tough to get hockey news on the beach in Tel Aviv. Rumour has it the Wings are killing the Pens and Game 3 is tonight. I'll check on that and get back to you later.

Big props to the three other HF's for carrying the load in my absence. I enjoyed the Hebrew dates, 4, and any time Danica McKellar makes an appearance is a mitzvah, 10. And Panger's Finals preview was me'tzuyaneem. Toda raba, guys.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Next Year's Cup Finals to be Doddering Old Man Free

Reports out of Toronto indicate that the CBC is finally pulling the plug on doddering old fool/Leafs lover Bob Cole by giving competent play-by-play man Jim Hughson the first announcer's chair for next season, including the Stanley Cup final. Cole will continue to mispronounce names and ignore the play in order to praise the Toronto Maple Leafs on secondary broadcasts.

Three things to say here:

1) Cole was a very good announcer for a very long time, but this is long overdue, because he lost his marbles at least a decade ago. Listening to Cole and Harry Neale fumble their way through a game was fucking excruciating.

2) Hughson is good, but the CBC let the best play-by-play guy out there get away when they lost Chris Cuthbert.

3) I'm guessing the vast majority of Habs fans will still watch RDS, because if Hughson has the "primary game" (ie the Leafs), Cole might have the Habs, and it will still suck.

According to Math, the Habs Would Already Be Swept

So the Habs lost to the Flyers 4-1. The Flyers got dismantled by the Pens, also 4-1. The Pens are currently being taken out behind the woodshed by the Wings, and might be lucky to score, let alone win a game in the Finals.

By our calculations, (aided by our beloved math enchantress/teenage crush Danica (aka Winnie Cooper), that means the following:

Habs +/- 2 times Flyers -50 less than Pens divided by Pens +/- a billion less than Wings, factor of y, times 3.147453377 =

The Wings would have won games 1 to 3 of a Habs/Wings final by a combined 143 to -13, and then the NHL would have just given them game four to spare us all the embarassment.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Breaking News: Americans Steal, Destroy Canadian Memorial (Cup)

Kitchener, Ont. (A.P.) - A rowdy American hockey team invaded Canada disguised in Montreal Canadiens' knockoff uniforms a little over a week ago and today returns to its home in northern Washington State after having deconstructed, destroyed and defiled a 90-year old Canadian institution, the Memorial Cup.

After being awarded Canada's top junior-age championship, the Memorial Cup, so called as a legacy to Canadian soldiers fallen during the Great War, the Spokane Chiefs smashed the trophy to the ice and declared that they had "released the spirits of their ancestors" - adding that their ancestors could kick the Kitchener Rangers' ancestors' asses.

What's worse is that it appears from reports that the American band of raiders was in fact led by a Canadian, namely one traitorous Calgarian, Chris Bruton. Bruton moved to the United States four years ago and apparently hasn't been back since, as he clearly hates Canada and all Canadians, living or dead.

Burton defended his actions by explaining that "it was easier to drink from the Cup that way". Tournament organizers had a better explanation: "What do you expect when you give a bunch of America kids Canadian beer all week? Of course they're going to cause property damage by the time they leave."

(You can check out the video, here. Note the Habs-like jerseys on Spokane. Sigh, at least our uniforms managed to win a Cup this year.)

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Finally, Pens vs Wings Game 1 Preview

Let's do this (finally...), bullet point style:

  • Game 1 at Detroit Sat, May 24 - 8:00 pm EDT / 6:00 pm MDT
  • CBC/RDS/VS, Team 990 radio
  • Both teams have made it to the Stanley Cup final, so it's safe to say they're both pretty hot
  • However, the Wings did lose a game at home for the first time against Dallas in game 5, which either burst their bubble or served as a wake up call, depending on how the series turns out
  • The Mule, Johan Franzen, is out with a concussion, the Wings' doctors being extra careful since they failed to diagnose it properly the first time. I hope Johan knows a good medical malpractice lawyer....
  • If Franzen is the Mule, does that make the little Fuckitty-fuck the Gnat?
  • After the game day skate, Chris Chelios showed his lighter side for a change, entertaining reporters with tails of his exploits in the Peloponnesian Wars. Riveting.
  • And in case you haven't heard, Sidney Crosby is chasing his first Cup at age 20.

Remember Habs fans, every Finals matchup brings us closer the to entry draft and UFA day.

Go Pens! Go Wings! Go Hockey!

Go Pants.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Dear NHL Playoff Schedule Makers ...


Seriously, what are you waiting for? This ain't the Super Bowl. Why Idiot Bettman doesn't take a page from his hero David Stern and have each new series start as soon as possible after the matchups are confirmed is beyond me. A full week of shit like "Sidney will be the youngest captain to hoist the Cup" or "Lidstrom will be the first European captain to hoist the Cup" or "Chris Chelios still changes his own adult diaper ... what a medical marvel!" articles has me at the breaking point.

We're Habs fans. But we're also hockey fans, and this series could be a great one, with some serious marketing potential ... so why drag it out? Anticipation has long given way to "holy fuck, are they ever going to start?", and with the weather warming up, we're all going to find something else to do. And they wonder why no one watches this fucking league.

Puck. Drop. Now.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Panger's Pens/Wings Preview

Anyone knows what "puss" means in Swedish? Whatever it is, I hope HF29 gets some while he's away...

This is Emma Andersson. The lovely Ms. Andersson is a 5'7 3/4 Swedish singer/actress - who happens to be dating Henrik Zetterberg. Bastard. In any event, in this truly unscientific and essentially unhockey-related system, (which in reality is just an excuse to google terms like "red wing bikini" at work*), I figured the team with the player that 'scored' (hehe) the hottest chick must be the greater team. And in my thorough-ish internet search, I found no hotter Pens girlfriend (although Marc Andre Fleury's arm candy is cute) to rival that of the Wings' Hammerin' Hank.

So Detroit get the nod for the Cup. Which is good, cause Lidstrom/Rafalski/Knowall vs. Gonchar/Whitney/Gill is a lopsided on-ice matchup anyway, if we did consider on-ice matchups. But then someone might mistake this for a serious blog...

But really, who cares. At least the Cup champ is not going to be some defensive-minded trapping team (**coughNew Jerseycough**) or a bunch of bullies (fuck you Bobby Clarke). Go Hockey!

Of course, we still like comments, so if you've got a pic of a hot Pens girlfriend to compare to Emma, or you are in fact one of said hot girlfriends, send along your pics to us!!

*Thank god I live in Calgary and none of my coworkers read this ...

Morning Sabra Skate for 16 Iyyar 5768

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of an all-English final in Moscow...

  • Retro time on TSN as their site looks back on the Penguins of old.
  • Bulls cash in on their 1.7% chance of landing the first pick in the draft, and land the first pick. Bulls exec V.P. Jim Paxon also finds Jimmy Hoffa in the trunk of his car.
  • HF29 was spotted roasting kebabs in Jaffa. It is rumoured that he has quit his job to pursue a lifelong dream of shishkebabing and shishkebabe-ing.
  • Go Chelsea. That'll be all.
  • Its Iyyay. Not Lyaar, cause spelling it that way would make me a Lyaar. Todah, Nu.

Is it 5768 already? Man I could have sworn 5764 was only yesterday.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


What the hell is this supposed to be?

FHF made much better use of the pumpkin folklore back in December.


America. Please vote now.

Morning Sabra Skate for 15 Lyaar 5768

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of reminding yourself, midday, 2 days in a row that YOU were writing TMS. Uh, wait, that actually happened....

  • The witch is dead and Mike Fuckity Fuckity Fuckity can go back to the cottage on No Speed Hill.
  • Incidentally, we are in for a treat, as the Penguins and Red Wings commence what should be an epic battle for Lord Stanley's Cup.
  • HF29 has converted to Hassidic Judaism and was seen harassing people on the streets of Jerusalem, asking if they had laid their tefillin in the morning.

Maybe I'll start watching hockey again now. Maybe.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hockey Gods Finally Land Karmic Knockout on Flyers, Announce Little Fuckity-Fuck is Next

And there is much rejoicing at FHF headquarters and in every NHL city save Philly, as the hated Flyers get their karmic comeuppance at the hands of Sid, Geno, MAF, and Staal. Thank Christ. Now if the Wings can get their act together and knock off the little fuckity-fuck (the so-far invisible in the series little fuckity-fuck, I might add) we can all sit back and enjoy our summer.

Morning Sabra Skate for 14 Lyaar 5768

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of converting dates from a Gregorian to a Hebrew calendar...

  • Team Canada does a great Montreal Canadiens impersonation and blows a 2-goal lead in the second half of the third period and loses the gold medal in overtime thanks to Ilya "R.J" Kovalchuk.
  • Sid the Kid fast tracks himself into the Stanley Cup Finals as the Pens do what the Habs shoulda did, but didn't do none.
  • Dark clouds gathering over the cottage in Dallas owned by the Little Fuckity, see above.
  • HF29 has given the most inspiring speech ever to members of the Knesset, moving all to tears. A historical peace agreement is promptly signed and peace has been restored in the Middle East after 60 years of infighting.
  • FHF moves its headquarters to Jericho.

We gotta pack our suitcases, for the move to Jericho and all.

Friday, May 16, 2008


You thought the FHF were rough, HF29? Get ready for the IDF!

I wish you many encounters with Galith, the sexy officer above, better known as the Gaza Stripper.

Have a great time. We will miss you. We will miss you so.

The Morning Skate for Friday, May 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of now having a chance with Shania Twain...
  • Like the Stars before them, the Flyers also avoid being swept at home. The game got chippy at the end, with even Sid and Richards getting into a little tussle. Meh, this series is over this weekend anyway;
  • Team Canada faces Sweden in the Double Eye semis today. Sweden does not have Alfie, Sundin, Forsberg or any other NHL Swede you may have heard of. Recipe for trouble.

Alright this is it for the original TMS for a couple of weeks. The pilgimage to find a hockey arena in the Holy Land begins tomorrow. The other HF's have you covered. Shalom, y'all.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Morning Skate for Thursday, May 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of a Sports Guy vs. ESPN showdown...
  • Dallas beats the Wings? I find that hard to believe. The phrase "postponing the inevitable" comes to mind;
  • Team Canada advances to the semis of the Double Eye with an 8-2 win over Norway. The game was actually much closer than the score indicates. Seriously. Canada joins Finland, Russia, and Sweden in the semis.

Please Pittsburgh, just put Philly out of their misery tonight.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A Special Message From TMS

Moeman asks, TMS delivers.

Hey kids! TMS aka The Game Day Skate aka HF29 here. Hope you are all doing well on the glorious summer-like day in Montreal, or wherever you are. With the Pens and Wings on course for the Stanley Cup final, I thought I'd give you all a little heads up about FHF. We quit! Habs suck! This blog was a total fucking waste of time!

No, of course we kid. But you may have noticed the number of posts around here dwindling by the minute. FHF is suffering from post-second round flameout burnout. Or something. We are all just recharging our batteries. Yours truly is off to the Holy Land (Hockey Hall of Fame?) next week for some R & R and hunt for hockey babes around the world. Panger is returning from a jaunt across the pond to watch the Blues lose. HF10 is once again spending time with Mrs. HF10 and the cutest mini-HF10 you can imagine. And HF4 may be dead, we're checking on that.

But this meandering note is just to tell you even though we're slacking now, we're not going anywhere over the summer. Babes, UFA's, mindless filler, babes, the draft, and babes are all on the menu. All of it with the traditional snark and lame-ass wit you've come to expect. So czech back often, Jaro weel bee beutifooul wetching.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, May 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of sending a message with a dunk...
  • Woohoo, the Little Fuckity-Fuck looks to be on his way out;
  • In Montreal, losing in the second round gets you a Jack Adams nomination. In San Jose, it gets you fired;
  • Team Canada closes out the Double Eye preliminary round with a 6-0 record after beating Finland 6-3. Heatley is dominating in a way that has to be painful for Sens fans to watch.

It's still not October, right?

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Morning Skate for Monday, May 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the return of Hannah Storm to the sports world...

Is it October yet?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Fuck You, You Fucking Little Cheap Shot Fuckity-Fuck

Hahahahaha. Mickey Ribs, you're a dick. The Ribs Haters around here* have been waiting for him to do something stupid for a while now. I personally felt it would be a diving penalty at a key point in the game. What happened was even better, because it should get him a suspension. We have a tag around here that reads "there's no English word for schadenfreude except 'Leafs'", but fuck, "Mike Ribeiro suspension" is pretty schadenfreude-riffic too.

So with time running out in the Wings-Stars game last night, Fuckey Ribs slashed Chris Osgood across the chest. Nice two-hander! You can see the video here. The fun starts around the 1:30 mark. Sure, the slash may have been retaliation for an Osgood butt end love tap, but that's no excuse. I love the way Ribfuck does it from behind the net. Like he can't even give a two-handed slash like a man, he has to hide behind the net to do it. Nice move, pussy-boy. Enjoy the press box.

My Sunday just got that much better.

*all of us.

Friday, May 09, 2008

FHF Exclusive Eastern Conference Final Preview

Pens win. Seems pretty obvious.

The Morning Skate for the Final Day of Shiva

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of burning the tapes...
  • Hey look, an actual hockey game! Wings take the West Conf opener 4-1. The Little Fuckity-Fuck was in the sin bin when the Wings got their 3rd goal to put the game out of reach in the second. Happy happy joy joy;
  • In the Double Eye, Team Canada escapes with their lives with a 2-1 win over... Norway? Really?
  • Flyers may be screwed, with D Kimmo Timonen missing the rest of the playoffs;
  • Prized Swedish free agent Fabian Brunnstrom chooses Dallas over a small group of teams that included Montreal. I'd say I was disappointed, but did we really want a player named Fabian?

We declare the mourning period over as of sunset tonight. Bring on the UFA period!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Panger's Mea Culpa

I'm feeling blue. Or rather, I wish I were feeling blue.

OK, so at the risk of being hung, drawn and quartered by FHF's 'legions' of fans (both of you, and I'm especially scared of LG77) I admit it: it was my fault the Habs lost. I watched the first period and a half at the Calgary airport while awaiting a flight to London, and when the plane boarded it was 3-1. When the plane landed in London, the Habs had already blown their 2 FREAKING goal lead and lost both the game and the series to the Phucking Phlyers. Phuck I hate Martin Biron. Go Pens.

So instead of watching the Stanley Cup Finals in Montreal (with said LG77's tickets) I'll be watching a Premiership match this Sunday between Chelsea and Bolton that will essentially decide the league winner - even though the race is between Chelsea and Man U, so it's not really a championship game 'cause football/soccer is apparently weirdly non-confrontational. Except in the stands where hooligans try to tear each others eyes out. Coincidently, kinda like Philly fans.

So anyway, enjoy this Chelsea babe as my peace offering.

First Annual Predictions Contest Ends in FHF Victory!

Prospect Park Weaves His Magic Spell

Well, the season has ended for our favourite bleu, blanc et rouge team, which means it's time for ... no, not some sort of silly season review ... it's time for ... the results of the First Annual FourHabsFans/Blueshirt Bulletin Canadiens/Rangers Prediction Contest, featuring noted Blueshirt Bulletin contributor, Dubi sycophant, FHF flame commenter,and overzealous Ranger attack dog Prospect Park! Thanks for playing, Prospect!*

*The inventors of the First Annual FourHabsFans/Blueshirt Bulletin Canadiens/Rangers Prediction Contest make absolutely no guarantees that noted Blueshirt Bulletin contributor, Dubi sycophant, FHF flame commenter and overzealous Ranger attack dog Prospect Park is

a) a willing participant in this contest or

b) even knew the contest existed, since HF10 made it up about a week ago.

The inventors would also like to point out that all predictions were freely provided by noted Blueshirt Bulletin contributor, Dubi sycophant, FHF flame commenter and overzealous Ranger attack dog Prospect Park in the FHF comments section, and as such, we're going to do whatever the hell we want with them.

On with the predictions!!

Category One: The Offseason Moves

Prospect Park said: The Ranger gave their fans reasons to get excited about this up-coming season, the Habs just did nothing.

We say: Fair enough prediction when first made. The signings of big-game stud Chris Drury and assist machine Scott Gomez, the continued excellence of Henrik Lundqvist, Jaromir Jagr, and Brendan Shanahan, and the hoped-for development of kids like Marc Staal and Nigel Dawes had New York fans envisioning a long playoff run. Montreal's offseason of losing Sheldon Souray and signing lower-tier free agents did not look very promising.

Advantage: Prospect!

Prospect Park said: Ranger fans get to talk about adding Drury and Gomez while Hab fans get to talk about adding Roman Hamrlik and Bryan Smolinski.

Prospect Park also said: Rangers have Chris Drury throwing checks and scoring goals, Hab fans get to watch Hamrlik cash more of his paychecks than throwing checks

We say: Looked like it could be true for the reasons above. However...

Hamrlik immediately stabilised the second pairing on the Montreal defence with his steady play and cool head, and proved an excellent mentor to youngsters Ryan O'Byrne and Josh Gorges and a valuable partner to whomever he was placed with, from Doom and Markov all the way down to the Breezer.

Advantage: FHF!

Smolinski took some stick for his slow start, and the team seemed to play better when he was injured early on, but his late-season return gave the Habs a much-needed faceoff man and veteran presence in the room, and his playoff performance between Steve Begin and Montreal's free-agent steal Greek Lightning probably saved the team from the embarrassment of a first-round exit. He was consistent and money well-spent on a cheap one year deal.

Advantage: FHF!

Drury signed a 5 year, $32.5 million deal in the summer and went on to post 25 goals, 33 assists and 58 points in 82 games in the regular season and 3 goals and 3 assists in 10 playoff games. Gomez signed a 7 year, $51.5 million deal on the same day as Drury, and rewarded the Rangers with 16 goals and 54 assists for 70 points in 81 games and a further 11 points in the playoffs. Drury and Gomez ended the playoffs as the second and third line centres behind rookie Brandon Dubinsky. Perhaps if their output and impact on the Rangers had matched their enormous contracts, the Blueshirts would have placed higher than 5th in the conference, maybe even wresting home ice advantage away from their eventual conquerors in Pittsburgh.

Advantage: FHF!

Category Two: The Season

Prospect Park said: The Rangers will be playing meaningful games this season as the Habs will be playing for a lottery pick.

We say: Yep, the Rangers played exactly as many meaningful games as the Habs ... only not at all, since Montreal had a bunch of meaningful games to decide who would finish first overall in the East, and the Rangers didn't. As for the lottery pick ...

Advantage: FHF!

Prospect Park said: Ranger fans are looking at a number one seed in the playoffs, Hab fans a lottery pick that they will have traded away trying to get the 8th seed.

We say: The Rangers weren't even number one seed in the greater New York area. And the 8th seed was in the Bell Centre this spring, but only to get beat by the number one seed Canadiens.


Category Three: Management

Prospect Park said:
Ranger fans will get to chant "We want the Cup", Hab fans will get to chant "Fire Gainey" (but you guys will do it in English and French)

We say: Rangers fans spent most of their time crying "we got screwed by the refs" and "Crosby is a diver". FHF and the rest of the Habs fans repeat the mantra "Trust in Bob."

Advantage: FHF!

Prospect Park said: Tom Renney has a shot at Coach of the Year, Hab Fans wish Guy Carbonneau would just disappear.

We say: While he's not perfect, Carbo made the Habs a more defensively responsible team, made nice with Kovalev, found room for younger players and let them play, and came up with some very good lines, not to mention the almost unbeatable lucky tie strategy. Oh, and he's a nominee for Coach of the Year.

Tom Renney spent the year being second guessed for his use of timeouts, the dismal Ranger powerplay, and his continued preference for veterans over kids. He was then outcoached by Michel Fucking Therien in the playoffs.

Advantage: FHF!

Category Four: The Future

Prospect Park said:
The Rangers have said "The Future is Now and Tomorrow", The Habs say "The Future is Someday we just do not know when"
We say: Marc Staal is a star in the making. Brandon Dubinsky looked impressive at times. Nigel Dawes has his moments, and is an excellent little playmaker. But Jagr and Straka may bolt, Avery might be a goner, Shanahan looks done, and the Rangers defence doesn't scare anyone.

As for Montreal ... Big and Little Tits. Mad Max. Gui! Gui! Gui! Panger's Boy Chips. Rhino. Price and Halak. Grabs. All under the age of 25. Oh, and Higgins & Komisarek are both just 26. Saku and Kovy are still under contract, as is Hamr. Of their UFAs, only Mark Streit would be a huge loss.

Advantage: FHF!

Category Five: In conclusion

Prospect Park said: Rangers are headed towards the Stanley Cup, the Habs towards nowhere, their fans know it and that is why come next spring when you get to watch the Rangers and their fans partying all spring and summer long you guys will be crying about how much you hate the Rangers.

We say: Have you guys stopped crying about the refs yet? We're trying to get amped for the Battle of Pennsylvania here and the wailing is really fucking distracting.

Advantage: Well, you know. FHF!

Final Score: Prospect goes down faster than Ryan Hollweg turtled versus Josh Gorges. FHF 9, Prospect Park 1.

The Morning Skate for Day 5 of Shiva

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering how long Shiva lasts...

Right. Really nothing happened in the hockey world yesterday. The Conference Finals finally start tonight with the Fucking Ungrateful Little Fuckity-Fuck (FULF) heading into Detroit. FHF still working hard, day and night, scouring the strip clubs for inspiration for our season review. It's tough work. May take a while.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Leafs Nation Seeks New Leader / Puppet

Paul Maurice has been fired as Leafs coach. I swear I never saw that coming.

The Morning Skate for Day 4 of Shivah

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting rid of the fucking black background so you can read this blog again without permanent eye strain...
  • Bob has his annual post-mortem press conference. He said nothing relevant or newsworthy. Habs may look for a big forward this summer. Don't we say that every year?
  • Team Canada plays like crap, still manage to beat USA 5-4 at the Double Eye. Heater got the winner in the final minute, as he and linemates Nash and Getzlaf continue to dominate;
  • Don Cherry set to be exposed to Americans, all six American hockey fans buy sunglasses.

Yes, yes, we're getting to the season review, we swear.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Random Hot Woman with a Tenuous Relationship to Hockey of the Day

This is Czech (super?) model Simona Krainova. She dates Red Wings' center Jiri Hudler. The Red Wings open their series with the Stars on Thursday. That is all.

I love this off-season already. My mourning time is being reduced by the presence of Czech models.

h/t to Vakfan of Southern Bohemian Hoc(k)ey(j). Vakfan, we proudly take up the mantle of your "hockey related chick" series since you stopped posting.

I'm Just a Kid

The many anachronisms that follow are completely intentional. You want accuracy go to Discovery, or the Smithsonian, or Wikipedia, or Weird Al Yankovic’s site.

What can you expect from a 20-year old? How much pressure can you put on a kid's shoulders, in the heartland of hockey, as this mad city rode shotgun with a young goalie who had barely obtained a license to drive?

Carey Price. 2o years old. Pause. Think of that for a moment.

He's done so much already, what more can we expect of this young phenom. Graduation from minors to juniors, World Junior Gold and MVP honors, Calder Cup Championship along with another MVP title, followed by a move up to the NHL and an anointment as the Canadiens' starting goaltender. He then defeats the Bruins in his first taste of NHL playoff hockey, shutting Boston out twice in the series the last one coming, incredibly, in the seventh and deciding game of the series.

It took him 18 months to accomplish all of this. He's tired now.

Montreal wanted a Stanley Cup but in the end it would be too much to ask from an overwhelmed Price.

It can’t be done at this speed. You have to mature into a certain mold before certain results may be expected from you.


Me: What?

Carey: Huh?

Voice: I say bullshit! That’s what I said BULL-SHIT.

Me: who the hell are you?

Voice: Who the hell am I? That's some crazy talk right there. Who do you think I am?

Me: I wouldn’t have asked had I known.

Carey: This guy’s a weird one.

Voice: Requiem, The Little Music of the Night. I’m Mozart goddammit.

Me: Mozart, shit, I thought that was you! What are you doing here?

Mozart: You know, HF4, I’m getting a bit peeved at this Price was too young thing going around. What the hell?

Carey: What do you mean?

Mozart: You’re 20 Carey. You know what life expectancy was when I was around? 40-45 years tops. By the time we were 25, we would be flashing our gold cards at the movies, people would be giving up their seats on the horse carriages for us, doctors were plunging their fingers in our asses by the time we were 13. I kind of liked that.

Carey: Wolfie, I’m barely…

Mozart: Don’t call me Wolfie, it sounds gay. Where’s my pocket mirror...

Carey: Amadeus, I’m like, barely an adult. This is HOCKEY WORLD.

Me: Seriouly Zart, this is the Mecca of hockey. Like people will stop whatever they’re doing 5 times a day, turn to their welfare cheques, kneel and pray to the ghosts.

Mozart: What’s your point?

Me: My point is that you can’t expect a kid to rise to these expectations.

Carey: Yeah Wolfgang, you can’t.

Mozart: Are you guys for real? Do you know what I was up to at the age of 4? Do you have any idea? I was writing full minuets and concertos for the emperor of Austria, that’s what. I would play that shit faultlessly. And my Dad was of no help either. He made David Archuleta’s father look like Kathy Lee Gifford. Go ahead and give the Williams' father a "Dad of the Year" t-shirt! My father's name was Leopold. LEOPOLD! Is that badass or what? The man was on my ass CONSTANTLY. “Finish the sonnet or no new skirt for you!” or “write that opera before you go to bed or you can forget about seeing that movie you like – ‘I’ll be Bach’, what a stupid line”. I loved Austrian actors...

Carey: Sounds rough.

: You have no idea.

: Times have changed Mozart, 20 is the new 3.

Mozart: That’s my point! At 3 years old I had already completed my first full opera, which today is widely regarded as one of the best pieces in musical history. 20? At 20 I was writing life altering music that has changed the face of the world. You hear me? The face of the world. Pressure? I had an empire threaten to cut my balls if one note sounded off-key, I had to deal with the threat of exile to Cyprus. Goddamn exile.
Carey: My hand wasn’t right.

Mozart: You have to be joking. I was composing notes of genius while juggling typhoid, syphilis, the plague and a fever that would make the sun stop for a glass of lemonade.

Carey: I don’t know, Ganger, try painting something with a sore hand. It doesn’t work. Those are my tools you know, my hands.

Mozart: Don’t get me started on the painting kid. Want to talk paint? You wanna see a drawing Picasso sent me when he was 4? You wanna see genius? Look at this:

Mozart: Now that’s child prodigy material right there. Look at the lines, they're so elegant, so subtle.

Carey: What are those bugs in the sky?

Me: You don’t know the media here Mozart, they’ll hang you out to dry if…

Mozart: Oh give it a break! Try writing music that changes History while a maniac named Salieri is conspiring to have you killed, stealing your money and your compositions and shagging your wife behind your back. I thought he was my friend. “Let me help you Mozart", "You’re a genius Mozart.” Asswipe, should have seen him coming. Fucker worked me to death.

Carey: You know I didn’t totally choke. I’m proud of some of my performances.

Mozart: Price, read my lips: I was THREE YEARS OLD and stroking the ivory blindfolded, upside down, under the piano, with my hands crossed and my back turned to the keys. That’s fucking art kid. That’s child freaking genius. Try playing upside down UNDER the damn piano. Your pits are pressed up against your face and you haven’t bathed in weeks, and you’re supposed to play music that reminds people of perched canaries. What do you think of those conditions kiddo? You’re playing to the gallery, to a king, an emperor, to the entire council. They don’t like it, you’re gonzo.

Carey: I guess I don’t know what real pressure is. I guess 20 years old isn’t that young.

Mozart: Pfff! 20! At 20, we had insurance companies batting down our doors pushing life insurance policies down our throats! You hit 22, 23, nobody wants to insure you anymore.

Carey: It told them I was tired, nobody listened to me. They just listened whenever they felt like it.

Mozart: Nobody listened to you? Trying having your best buddy not HEARING A SINGLE WORD YOU SAY! I would be like, “Yo, Beethoven, how does this sound?” And he’d be all oblivious and shit. For years I thought it was just his silent, tacit approval. Talk about misleading someone.

Carey: Those pads I ordered just before the playoffs. I hadn’t even broken them in. They felt so stiff.

Mozart: Carey, I’m directing 100 musicians for 4 hours in a 103 degree opera house with no AC, the occasional paper fan to cool me off, and I’m wearing the most constricting tights you’ve ever worn, a silk blouse that breathes as much as an old firefighter with emphysema and the biggest wig you’ve ever seen, like 40 pounds of hair collapsing over my head. That’s not exactly spa-treatment like conditions bud. Pads?!! I had tights going up to my tits and socks over them that ran up to my knees. Paint them in red and white stripes and I look like a character from a Dr. Seuss book. Green eggs and symphonies. I was like baroque Matisyahu.

Me: We gotta lay off the young guy excuse, Carey. Amadeus has a point.

Mozart: Fuck yeah, I have a point.

Carey: He’s got a point.

Me: What now? What will we say? How do you explain having gone down in 5?

Carey: I don't say a thing. I can't. I’ll say that next year, no excuses. I’m going Wolfgangbusters on your asses.

Mozart: That’s it Carey.

Carey: Rock me Amadeus.

Mozart: Now you’re talking.

Me: Ok, I’ll leave you two alone.

Amadeus is right. No excuses. It’s been done before. Roy, Dryden, Ward, Tiger Woods at Augusta, Sampras at the US Open at 17. I even hear Falco was, like, 5 when he wrote that epic song.

The Morning Skate for Day 3 of Shivah

Bullet points for what you misse while having nightmares this black emo thing may never end...
  • Habs clean out their lockers. I always remember cleaning out my high school locker and finding a sandwich from 3 months earlier. That shit stank;
  • Many Habs are headed back to the ice for the Double Eye - Koivu, Pleks and Markov all head to their national teams. Belarussia already saw Grabs and the two Tits on the ice yesterday. I could spend all day making line names with those three;
  • Speaking of the Double Eye, the always exciting Canada-USA matchup goes today at 3 PM. Looks like the office-bound can watch on

OK we've still got alot of work to do around here, what with the season reviewing and posting of hot chicks with tenuous relationships to hockey and such. So don't be a stranger.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Day 2 of Shivah

Someone make the pain go away.

Elisha Looking Hot Again, Dating Hockey Players with Good Spleens

Just to prove FHF ain't going nowhere, here's a post with a hot chick for no reason. Elisha Cuthbert, who for the last two years has not been looking all so good and making questionable friends, is back with a vengeance. She has a hot new spread in the current Maxim, and has hooked up with Dion Phaneuf. Those rumours have been floating around for a few months, but now there seems to be photographic evidence.

Mike Komisarek was reportedly heard saying "thank God that crazy slut found someone else. I was really scared for my testicles there for a while."

h/t to The Big Lead and AOL Fanhouse

The Morning Skate for Monday, May 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares FHF wouldn't be back for 3 months...

FHF is still here, we swear. Stick around, we may still have a game review from Saturday, and we expect to do some sort of stripperriffic season wrap-up this week. And while obviously we'll slow down over the next 3 months, you'll still be able to find some strippers and snark. We couldn't live without it either.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Pulling Out All the Stops for the (Potential) Last Game Preview and Open Thread

I have been saving this stripper six-pack for a special occasion. The game where we needed all the help we could get. Well, that game is now. Win or go home. Do or die. Backs against the wall. My god, I've become a cliché-ridden sportswriter. Fuck that shit. You know we just gotta play 'em one game at a time, and the good Lord willing, things will work out. Wait, what?

Waiting in line details - 7 PM, bla bla bla.

Really nice Flyers fans who would never do stupid shit - The fine bloggers of Flyers. Femme, eager to go psycho, Flyers Goal Scored By, and Cuseadelphia.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - hmmm, hmmm, uh, Koivu is working hard. The blonde who sits behind Carbo.

Hot sexy Flyers to watch - all of 'em, with Marty Biron and Danny Brière at the top of the list. We're losing 3-1, in case you didn't notice.

Skanky Habs to watch - a long list, but my focus is on Kovalev. Where the fuck has he been this series since a decent Game 1? The only time I've heard his name is in relation to the phrase "loses the puck." By extension, the Habs PP blows;

Tragically, Cedric Desjardins injured his groin (at Club Downtown) and won't play - Price gets the start. Can he earn back the TFS(tm) tag?

Carbo tries to coach, simply reverts back to old form - besides the always big move of pulling a tie off a tie rack, Carbo comes up with these lines for tonight - the old Danse à Dix Line, the old SlowGreekBang line, Koivu-Higgins-Little Tits, and the rest (SwissLaLa). Man, I am going to be pissed when Ryder pots 40 for some Southern team next year.

Stupid factoids of the week that may only interest Peter King - Habs have only "led" a game in this series once, when we scored in OT of Game 1. The last NHL team to come back from a 3-1 deficit was in fact the Habs in 2004 against Boston. The double-shot non-fat latté at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport Starbucks is terrible.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - if the Habs are eliminated, we're going on a drunken meth-fueled rampage through the strip clubs of Montreal like you wouldn't believe. Be sure to catch the arrest and arraignment on your late local news.

Maybe for the last time, let's hear your dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments.

The Possibly Final Game Day Skate of the Season

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the most exciting two minutes in sports...

Hope, hope, hope...

Friday, May 02, 2008

BREAKING NEWS - Coach Carbo to Start Cedric Desjardins in Goal Tomorrow Night

(Reuters) - Unable to decide between Halak or Price for what could be the final game of the season, Habs Coach Guy Carbonneau has instead reached far down into the farm system and annointed Cincinnati Cyclones' goalie Cedric Desjardins as the new saviour.

Carbo said "he is having an outstanding playoffs for Cincinnati. He wears number 33, he was fined for his role in a fracas at the end of a game, and he helped Patrick Roy win a Memorial Cup. If that isn't karma, I don't know what is."

When asked for a comment, Jaro Halak stated simply "I incrredibel play hackey, I good date with blond girl behind coch, teem need play me."

The Present of Evil: A Reader Heads Into the Heart of Evil and Escapes with His Life

Regular FHF reader Adam went down to Philly for Game 3. He sent in this account along with video of assorted Philly fans calling him an asshole. He may be an asshole in real life, I don't know, but I'm guessing it had more to do with the CH on his chest. The piece was edited for length, so my apologies if it no longer makes sense. Also, the views expressed therein do not necessarily reflect, yada yada...

Fear And Loathing in Philadelphia: or, What it's Like to Watch a Habs Game in Philly and Why the Flyers Don't Deserve a Cup

Philadelphia - Somewhere between one of the many repetitive scoreboard tributes to great moments in Flyers thuggery, being told for the 27th time to "get the f***k out of America and go back to Canada" and witnessing a teenage girl wearing a Habs jersey get a full beer thrown at her by a drunken ruddy-faced Flyers "fan", the thought occurred to me that this city - which is neither loving nor brotherly - does not deserve to bask in a Stanley Cup parade. These so-called "fans", who are nothing more than orange-clad hooligans looking for any desperate excuse to get drunk, scream obscenities at the top of their lungs and hopefully start a fight, do not deserve a Stanley Cup. This organization, which does nothing to promote the sport of hockey other than stir up the basest most aggressive sentiments within its supporters, does not deserve a Stanley Cup.

Sidestepping a gob of spit that had been aimed at my feet by one of my courteous hosts, I walked into the Wachovia Center. As I crossed through a large entrance, my field of vision was assaulted by an intimidating sea of orange. At the gate, I noticed a woman handing out orange t-shirts sporting the slogan "Crush The Canadiens" and thundersticks (ugh! They have no business in a hockey arena) with the word "VENGEANCE" inscribed on them. As I approached her, I stretched out my hand to accept the free souvenirs but her eyes quickly narrowed as she spotted the CH on my chest and she turned away from me, refusing to give me a t-shirt. Soon my friends and I found ourselves surrounded by about 50 Flyers fans chanting "Ass-Hole! Ass-Hole", an experience that was actually quite amusing at first but grew annoying as we endured the same chant over and over again throughout the night. I will admit, it is quite a unique experience to have thousands of people systematically strain their voices to profess their hatred for you. It's almost empowering in a sense, like being a universally loathed celebrity.

Beyond the booing of the Canadian national anthem - a disgusting practice that Montreal fans are shamefully guilty of as well - it was the violence and the ignorance that got to me throughout the course of the night. Booing the Canadian anthem was stupid in itself for no other reason than the fact that exactly 50% of their starting roster, including their top scorer and starting goaltender, is Canadian. Rather than celebrate their team's successes amongst themselves, the Flyers fans made sure to punctuate every goal by hurling fistfuls of garbage at the small group of Habs supporters assembled in our section. It was clear minutes into the game that they took greater pleasure and spent more energy cultivating a good beer buzz and deriding opposing fans than actually paying attention to what was occurring on the ice.

Rather than educate its fans or promote a sense of appreciation for quality hockey, the Flyers organization instead relentlessly promotes violence at every opportunity, glorifying moments like Ron Hextall slashes or Bobby Clarke punching a Russian player in the face. These images which are constantly displayed on the scoreboard during stoppages in play, never fail to raise a loud chorus of cheers from Philly's bloodthirsty fans. Just picture this: there's two minutes remaining in a game that your team miraculously leads by a goal despite being outshot 34-14. The other team is peppering your goalie with pucks from all angles. Rather than dig your nails into your thighs and thank the hockey gods for this undeserved lead, you opt to stand up with a few hundred fellow morons and turn away from the game in order to face a handful of the opposing team's fans in order to participate in a 30-second "Ass-Hole" chant. Finally, when your team manages to squeak out an undeserved win, rather than admit your luck to the few actual diehard fans who drove over 8 hours to watch this game in your pathetic city, or even continue to tease them good-naturedly, you opt to threaten to kill them, actually elbow them as they walk past you quietly or - why the hell not - sucker punch them on the side of the head as you run past and tell them to go back to their country. No fool guilty of such stupidity deserves to be described as a fan of any hockey team, let alone celebrate a Stanley Cup victory. No organization that hasn't won a championship in three decades yet proudly clings to and continuously fosters the development of a thuggish legacy deserves to sip from Lord Stanley's Cup.

Let's out these classless buffoons in six (ed.'s note - now seven, i.e. no chance in hell) so their "fans" can get back to watching the Phillies, a team that plays a sport they actually understand - I think.

The Morning Skate for Friday, May 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of having the highest disapproval ratings in history...
  • Finally the Pens lose a game, 3-0, as the Rangers stave off elimination for one night, with Jagr leading the way;
  • Colorado doesn't have a Jagr and Theo is a sieve, so they get eliminated after an 8-2 loss. Johan Franzen gets another hat trick. I swear before this series I didn't know who he was;
  • The IIHF World Hockey Championships start today with Canada taking on Slovenia. Good, when the Habs are elimintaed TMS will have someone to cheer for.

Habs can win 3 games in 4 nights, right? Right?

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Philly Makes Phour Habs Phans Phrustrated

Frustration (noun):
1) the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals
2) an act of hindering someone's plans or efforts
3) a feeling of annoyance at being hindered or criticized; "her constant complaints were the main source of his frustration"
see also: Martin Biron, Flyers vs Habs 2008 Playoffs.

The FHF and Canadiens fans worldwide are phrustrated. Philly is phoiling the Habs phormerly phoolproof plans and threatening to send them phalling right out of the playophs. Phuck.

You know what? To hell with trying to be clever or interesting. This series is frustrating as all fucking hell. For all of these reasons:

I love the kid, and I still think he will be a star, but it is frustrating to see the goals he's let in. Is he tired? Hurt? Getting jerked around by Rollie Melanson? No idea. But the big saves haven't been there in the past few weeks, and the team is in a hole because of it.

The Defence: Hamr looks tired. Doom's positioning looks like hell lately. Where the hell was he on the winner last night? Markov isn't creating the way he was early in the season. Gorges has been fantastic ... but Josh Gorges is a fifth defenceman, folks. He's struggles with too much responsibility, spends a lot of time flailing at pucks, and is still learning. O'Byrne has had no impact whatsoever in the playoffs. Part of the Habs success this season was directly attributable to a hardworking, steady defence. We haven't seen the same levels in the playoffs.

The Forwards
: Has Kovy done anything since game 1 of this series? Last night I counted at least three times when he made a cut with the puck and just fell over untouched. What the hell? Higgins is snakebit and seriously making me rethink my prediction that he could be a future 40-40 guy. Mad Max is either awesome or invisible; the same goes for the Tits bros. Koivu has been his regular self, working like a maniac, creating, winning faceoffs, and taking his customary offensive zone penalty nightly. Pleks ... well, I don't have a fucking clue what the hell is wrong with Pleks, but he looks far more like a second or third liner than a first line centre at the moment. Gui! Gui! Gui! never stops working, but he can't skate well enough to play in this league right now. The second goal last night was all because he couldn't keep up with Scott Hartnell. Scott Fucking Hartnell is no speedster. Michael Ryder should have had a shot before this point in the series because he might, just might, pot the ugly goal this team needs.

Slowinski, Greek Lightning and Begin have been outstanding (I'll get to the hit in a minute) but when your fourth line is your best line, you are in deep.

: Juggled the lines a little. Resulted in a bit of a spark. Messed up the goalie situation yesterday, in my opinion. I know Halak played well enough, but what happens next game? The game after that? Next year? We're dealing with what everyone claims is the Franchise Saviour here, and this is the result? Troubling. I hope it works out. Halak can be a solid goalie in this league ... but he doesn't have the career trajectory Price may have.

Other problems? Carbo thinks that he wouldn't change anything about how the team has played ... oh, really? You wouldn't try crashing the net a little more? Wouldn't think of playing someone like Ryder or Gui with Pleks and one of the Tits, so that line wouldn't spend all it's time dipsy-doodling in the corner or twenty feet from the net instead of going where garbage goals get scored? Wouldn't think to start the Tits and Pleks as the first power play unit on the nights when they are all flying, and the extra space lets them be creative, instead of trotting out Koivu, Higgins and Kovy to pass it around the perimeter until Streit or Markov launch an unscreened shot or Kovy loses the puck along the boards, leading to a Flyers clearance? Wouldn't recommend trying to shoot from odd angles, off screens, anything to get Biron moving around so it doesn't always hit him in the chest?

The Calls
: Yeah, the call last night on Begin wasn't the greatest. But he was stupid to do it, especially in a close game, especially with the horribly inconsistent refereeing in the NHL right now. Don't give these guys a reason to penalize you because all the unwritten rules about "playoff hockey", "lettin' em play" and "putting the whistles away" are gonzo. Nobody has a fucking clue what kind of game they are getting from night to night anymore. You get on with it. Unlike some people, I won't claim the refs cost us anything if and when the Habs are out. The Habs are spending twice as much time on the powerplay as the Flyers. Clearly the calls aren't the issue. The horrible, one-trick-pony special teams? That might be part of the problem.

Martin Biron
: Best hockey of his NHL career? Possibly. In a zone? Looks like it. Full of confidence? Yep. But this is not a man playing Dominek Hasek in '99/Patrick Roy in '93/Johnny Bower in '68 out of his mind. The Habs don't have enough traffic, aren't making Biron work hard at lateral stuff, are letting him get set for the shooter, are firing pucks right at him (and he isn't a huge man.) I defer to the judgement of FHF resident goalie expert Panger, but I don't think Biron is unbeatable. The number of posts the Habs have hit attests to that somewhat, right? Can Biron keep it up? Lesser goalies have. There will be no shame in losing to a hot, hot goalie.

The bounces
: The Breezer own goal. RJ Fucking Umberger's 5 seeing eye goals. The posts. Have you ever seen so many bounces go one way? Last night, the second Flyer goal went off the post to Hartnell's stick like it was placed there. The winner could have bounced in a dozen different directions ... it went right to a wide-open Briere. Up until Koivu's goal last night, I couldn't recall one cheap bounce that landed where the Habs could take advantage, other than Carter's broken stick in Game 1. It's been that kind of series. That sucks, it's frustrating, it makes me curse a blue streak. But it's happening. However ...

The Flyers are getting the job done: We can all complain about the posts, or claim the Habs are outplaying the Flyers, or lament that none of the shots are going in, or bitch about the refs, or lament that Price is a sieve. But the Flyers are stifling the powerplay with good defensive work, they are scoring timely goals, they are hitting, blocking shots, and making the most of their chances. Isn't that what good teams do? These are not Bob Clarke's wretched 2007 Flyers. They are fast, and tough, and opportunistic, and they are getting great goaltending.

The opposing fans and "experts" are coming out of the woodwork
: Is this the worst part? Hell yeah, it's the worst part. "Price is overrated." No, Price is a 20 year old kid in a slump. His contemporaries like Tuuka Rask and Justin Pogge aren't even in the league yet. The Great Blue and White Hope in TO can't even beat out Scott Clemmensen in the AHL. Price will be fine. "The Habs are overrated and now they are being exposed": I fail to see how a team picked by almost everyone to finish out of the playoffs is overrated. Overachieving? Hell yeah. But this isn't NCAA football; the Habs reached 1st place by winning games, not by some sort of popular vote. Don't forget, if Pittsburgh doesn't shit the bed in the final game of the year, maybe they go to seven games against hard-charging Philly, and the Habs get a second round date with the Rangers or Devils. The Habs ran into to two strong, physical teams with hot goalies (and, in the Flyers case lots of guys who can put pucks in the net), and suddenly they are headed for next year's lottery? Not bloody likely.

So yeah, this sucks
: Yeah, being behind in a series in this manner sucks. But it ain't over. And if the Habs lose this round and it is 16 years since the last Cup, I'll be pissed (because I measure success in Cups, not "good playoff runs", or "good lottery picks", or "great regular seasons".) It will suck less than most of the last ten years. Oh, fuck it. It sucks. Win in seven, you fuckers!

Game 5 Review: Flyers 4, Habs 2

Steve Bégin, you're an asshole.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, May 1st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Happy May Day Comrades!
  • Fuck that positive shit, Habs now down 3-1 after a 4-2 loss. Oh sure, we made it exciting for a few minutes in the 3rd period, but on the other hand, Bégin is a fucktard. Or the officials are for calling it. I'll let you decide. More later today;
  • Carbo is up for coach of the year, so he can cling to that on the golf course next week;
  • Sharks avoid the series sweep with a 2-1 win over the little Fuckity-Fuck.

Bring on Yann Danis!