Monday, February 28, 2011

TMS is waiting for a trade that will never happen on Monday, February 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning an Oscar...
OK boys and girls we'll be around all day chronicling all the Habs trades. So we'll see you tomorrow.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

OsCHar night ~ Habs 4 - Canes 3 ~ Game review and Open the envelope thread

Who wouldn't love to have CHarlize on their mantle? Oh wait, I'm here for a game review. One where our Habs weren't necessarily golden but they did take home a nice win, inCHed further away from 9th, stuck to (in?) The Fucking System™, netted some nice goals, PKilled and almost ran on empty netting a rare one. Fellow and feline cooCH potatoes, get your corn popped, gulp that big Pepsi and lets see what was on the big sCHreen.

An ugly duckling according to blacksploitation nutjobs like cherry, loopedall, the CotU mediots and PHucktard richards, Habs star-ladened ingenue PFK! is growing and playing his game and right before our eyes is turning into a beautiful Black Swan. Bonus, Natalie Portman is fucking יפה .
Rated: 5 kleeneXes for tear(jerking) Score: ♥♥♥♥

No one, especially us CHicken-loving FHFers, thought top billing Benoit would be known as The Fighter. Bonus, lotsa meth-induced coaCHing scenes that you'll never remember. Or will you? Sub-titled in Franco-Ontarian. Rated: 5 Cages aux Folles wings  Score: ♥♥♥

Is Sopel (on a Ropel) our Inception going into the playoffs? Bonus, he has a hot wife who blogs, in her basement, in her pyjamas! UnRated and no Director's cut, yet.  Score: ♥♥♥

Eller, Desharnais, Subban, Pacioretty, Price, Weber, Pouliot, Muller, yeah we know The Kids Are All Right, but does the coaCH? Bonus, The Who! Rated: Fun for the entire FHFamily  Score: ♥♥♥♥
In his most wooden performance to date, CHocula is a stutterer who just can't give The King's SpeeCH to the fucking refs, instead he takes notes on his iScratCHPad. Bonus, th-h-he sy-sys-syst-system is wo-work-workin um, OK! We need Director Jacques Martin SCHorsese to fuck up the joint with some bloody action! Rated: ZZZ  Score: ♥♥

Hey Goat, 127 Hours or less to trade deadline. Bonus, taking the day off to catCH all the exciting news. Double bonus, you don't need to cut your arm off, just CHange the fucking CHannel when dreger and mcplooge start blowing brian burke. Oh wait, so is kypreos. Rated: FU Score: ♥♥♥

According to lurking reviewer Anon, FHF is the fucking fuckingest fucking best of all The Social Network sites. Bonus, sure you can poke someone on Facebook but at FHF you can literally poke 29! Rated: F Score: ♥♥♥♥♥ ovenmitts

Better Pixarlated than never, 13, 46 and 35 become animated in Toy Story 3. Bonus, being named Woody. Rated: 3DDD Score: ♥♥♥♥

Tomas is the Habs' True Grit. Bonus, it kind of fun saying Rooster Cockburn.
Rated: PleXXXe Score: ♥♥♥♥♥
Also, like you I miss our award-winning GG but check out this perfectly painted pic.

At this time of year the cbc/hnic always rubs it's blue and white Winter's Bone. Bonus, they remain flaccid the other 11 months of the year. Here's an idea, less bob cold/fx, more viagra. Screen writing nomination goes to N31, the academy throws rotten tomatoes at jim hughson. Rated: BleCH Score: Heartless

Saturday, February 26, 2011

There's a Storm a Comin' - Habs/WhalerCanes Preview and Game Night Open Thread

A Category 4 hurricane... No reason why I picked that level... Nope, none at all...

Okay, so there has been lots of hand-wringing in FHFland over the past few days, nay weeks, about the fact that our beloved Habs seem to be on the verge of collapse. Some people believe in our prophesies, others treat us like a bunch of Cassandras (no, not that one, this one) and wish to share their Kool-Aid with us in order to help us see the light.

Wanna hear something nutty? I was GIDDY when Chocula was announced as Carbo's successor. I still think he's responsible for Canada's gold medal at the 2002 Winter Games. The reason why I don't like him anymore is because I think his system is antiquated and stagnant. I would rant about the dump-in line changes, the inability to recognize that two-line passes are now allowed in the NHL and the utter lunacy of having a team of small guys standing on the blue line while their slower and less mobile D-corps brings up the puck, but, hey, I'm a girl. Apparently I should just shut up and go buy a pink sparkly jersey.

I firmly believe that, while Chocula is arguably doing well with the decimated team he has, we're settling for mediocrity. He will never produce anything more than a "meh" team UNLESS he's blessed with a goaltender playing on his head. Anyone else remember that we were down 3-1 to Washington in the opening round of the playoffs last year until Jaro decided to drink some Gummiberry juice?

I think it's high time that the Habs' upper management wake up from its stupor and realize that generations of meh will inevitably sap the life of their franchise/cash cow.

For now, all I see on the horizon is a WhalerCanes team that is 4 measly little points behind us... and I'm worried that they're simply the outer bands of a potentially devastating storm that is about to make landfall.


Waiting in the basement storm shelter: Game is on at 7:00 tonight on RDS, probably the CeeBeeCee, who won't even talk about the game in front of them, but rather about how brilliantly the Leaf played on Thursday night. I give up.

Waiting out the storm with us: The good people at Canes Country have a comprehensive blog that puts us to shame. Shaaaame. But that's why they're members of SB nation and we're just a bunch of foul-mouthed and horny assholes using Blogger.

Winds picking up speed: I'm still putting DDD in here, even though he only plays 5-6 minutes per game. Squid was looking good in Thursday night's game too. Welcome to the Habs, Mr. and Mrs. Sopel... We'll put you in this category for now, but only because your blogs and twitter accounts are rather endearing. We'll see how long it takes for the Habs Media Censors to get a hold of you and indoctrinate you into the groupthink. tells me that Jokinen, Cole and Harrison have been carrying the load offensively for the WhalerCanes.

Downgraded to Tropical Storm status: I'm getting sick and tired of writing the usual suspects' names in here, so I've come up with a limerick instead:

There once was a player named Gomez
Who seems to have lost his cojones
While he used to be great,
Now he can't shoot or skate
Can we please ship him somewhere else, RIGHT FUCKING NOW-EZ?

Already evacuated to the emergency shelter: While I don't usually like cheering for injuries from other teams, THANK YOU JEEBUS that Eric Staal is injured. Although, that could play against the Habs by lulling them into thinking that the Canes are a beatable team and that they can take them lightly... So, I expect to get a text from my RDS mobile app any minute now, telling me that Auld is in nets.

As for the Habs: is it crazy for me to think that, yes, the injuries to Markov and Gorges and the rotating lineup of people in the infirmary have screwed the team up... but that the biggest loss of all has been the absence of DarCHe in the lineup??

Keeping yourself distracted while the storm is howling outside: I've already linked to something deeply NSFW above... But, speaking of Kool-Aid...

Comments? Concerns? Insight regarding how much this preview sucks? Doomsday predictions about the Habs' playoff future? Unshakable belief that the future is made of sunshine, roses and tiny fluffy kittens? Talk about 'em in the comments...

Friday, February 25, 2011

Sigh. Leafs 5, Habs 4.

I'm not going to get angry.  I'm not going to get angry.  I'm not going to get angry.  I'm ... okay, the odds are I'm going to get angry. 

About the refereeing.  The first Leaf goal was on a powerplay for the weakest hooking call in the history of hockey.  Kessel's brilliant shot should never have been allowed to happen.  The refs were terrible all game on both sides of the divide.  NHL refereeing is an absolute joke. 

About the goaltending decision.  Alex Auld isn't at fault for goals 1 and 3.  He most certainly is at fault for goal 2.  Jesus Fucking Christ, put your skate on the post.  Why Carey Price wasn't in from minute one baffles me.  No, he can't play every game.  Yes, he just went through a big emotional win out in his home province.  Sure, the Leafs are below Montreal in the standings for now. 

But Price had already shut the Leafs out twice at home this year.  And the Leafs are streaking right now and deserved more respect.  And Price probably felt pretty great saving everyone's bacon in the classic "system" game and was probably raring to go.  And Auld should have played in that fucking ridiculous outdoor game so Price was more rested (you know why Ty Conklin has played in three Winter Classics?  Because glorified shinny games are where you toss in your backup, that's why, Martin.  YOU FUCKING MORON.)  Last night was when the Canadiens needed to step on Toronto's throat and announce that there was no way the ACC was seeing playoff hockey in 2011.  To do that, they needed to have their best player.  You think the Leafs weren't chomping at the bit to get at Alex Auld instead of Price?  Well, fucking Martin didn't.

You know why this review is so late?  Because I honestly couldn't think of the way to put all the angry thoughts I had about Jacques Martin down coherently.  The laundry list of things about that man's coaching last night (and every other night) is actually depressing.  To wit:
  • Last night's best line for the Canadiens was clearly Pleks, Cammy and Halpern.  Naturally, when the Canadiens had a powerplay, the correct decision is to start Pleks, Cammy and Andrei Kostitsyn, who proceeded to suck the life out of every chance, muffed an open net, and handed the puck away at an alarming rate.  You know, a typical night for Forrest Kostitsyn.
  • The kid line of Desharnais, White and Pouliot showed some real jump at times, with White banging and crashing, DDD winning battles, and Pouliot using his size and speed.  So it made perfect sense to give them roughly 6 minutes of ice time all game, and no powerplay time for Pouliot, one of the only Habs wingers with size, speed and a modicum of offensive talent.  Best to let Forrest Kostitsyn slouch his way around for a minute and a half each man advantage rather than say, a red-hot Max Pac or Pouliot.   
  • Lars Eller surely didn't need more than 7 minutes of ice time and no powerplay time or penalty killing time, what with the bang up job the PK did last night agains the vaunted Leafs powerplay. 
  • Sure makes sense to hand 20 minutes of ice time to the black hole known as Scott Gomez ... why, who else can make thirty rushes into the Leafs zone, turn his back at the blue line and make a soft pass to a covered winger?
  • Fantastic idea to start Hamrlik with the Wiz on every powerplay.  I know when I need a goal on the man advantage, I wouldn't turn to my electrifying rookie D-man.  I'd go with the overworked 36 year old for three times as much PP time than some punk kid with a cannon shot and a penchant for end-to-end rushes.  No sirree, don't want to throw any caution to the wind. 
  • And I sure as hell wouldn't want to discuss anything with the referees, whether in a civil tone or not.  Nope, I think it's better to JUST FUCKING STAND THERE DUMBFOUNDED as the game and season fucking drops right off the map in front of me.  After all, my vaunted system has throttled the life out of any possible momentum this team could ever build so why bother? 
  • Oh, and before anyone starts calling for Kirk Muller to get the head job, someone answer me this:  What the fuck is Muller in charge of?  Is there any discernible improvement in any facet of this team's game?  Good fucking Christ, these assholes can't even muster enough guts and brainpower to breakout of their own end in the last two minutes ... are you telling me Muller has all these fucking fantastic plans that Martin just ignores?  Muller and Pearn are just as much of a problem at this point. 
  • And please spare me the "this team is missing so many guys - to have them where they are is a testament to Martin's coaching" bullshit.  With Markov and Gorges and a healthier Cammy, this team would be still finish 5th to 10th.  Last year's miracle run was because Jaro played lights out for two months, the Pens played abysmal and Bruce Boudreau might be the only coach dumber than Martin. 
You know what?  As angry as I am, there's no sense being so.  Because until Jacques Martin is gone, the Habs are going to be outcoached and out-thought more often than not, and only superhuman efforts from Price, Plekanec, Subban, and the rest will overcome that.  That's no way to win in this league.  Really great teams with transcendent stars can win despite their coach.  Really average teams don't.  One can only hope that by the time PK, Price, Max Pac, Louis Leblanc and the rest of the prospects are in their primes that Martin is long gone.  I honestly have not disliked a Montreal coach this much since Bob Berry.  Fuck, even Mario Tremblay's fucking teams were interesting.  So I give up.  I honestly didn't think I would ever say it, but there is absolutely no hope in me that this presently constituted Montreal Canadiens team will win a Stanley Cup.  And that's sad.  Martin's coaching chokes the life out of his players and has choked the joy out of watching the Habs for me (and I'm guessing many others).  He needs to go, or I will.  Watching the Canadiens is a joyless, bitter experience at the moment, and that's the one thing it should never be.  I refuse to be caught in 6th to 10th, middle-round drafting, out in the second round purgatory with that fucking stupid fool jotting shit down behind the bench as his players get fucked by the refs and trampled trying to play his useless system.  The rest of this year already is shaping up as a Bataan death march of win one, lose two, be life-or-death to finish seventh and avoid getting fucking bludgeoned by the Flyers in round 1.  Fuck it.  Why bother?  This is not a Montreal Canadiens team I can love.  So I won't. 

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, February 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Scarlett Johansson doing things with a champagne bottle...
  • Sigh. Leaf 5, Habs 4. Fuck the Ke$$elTracker. Fuck the refs. Fuck JM. OK we better stop before our anger takes over Sexy Friday. No doubt HF10's review later today will be angry enough for all of us;
  • Flyers need OT to beat the Isles;
  • The rest of the games were all in the West so we don't care. The only one that moderately holds our interest is the Stars ending their 5-game losing streak against the Wings no less;
  • Kovy goes to the Pens as the Pens hope to turn back the clock 10 years. Though for a conditional 7th rounder, why the hell not, we would have taken him for that. But the Goat is dead;
  • Wait, the Goat is not dead! Ben Maxwell to the Thrash for Brent Sopel and Nigel Dawes. Hmm, not quite the blockbuster we need. The good news on that trade is that Brent Sopel's wife is a blogger, so we like him already.
That's two weeks in a row of Sexy Friday being tainted by a loss the night before. Blech. Anyway, you need something extra special, so how about a new Megan Fox Armani underwear ad. Unfortunately it's just a teaser, the whole vid only comes out next week. But I'm teased.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Never fuck with a winning streak - Leafs preview and open thread

Look, if a wet shirtless actor stud was responsible for victory the last time we played the Leafs, I am not gonna be the one to step on the streak here. Apologies to you ladies if this is not to your liking, but from the reactions of my female friend I used to watch Lost with whenever Sawyer appeared shirtless, this should be alright.

I would replicate the style of LG77's preview to really not fuck with the streak, but Josh Holloway's resume is pretty thin compared to Hugh Jackman. We'll have to make do with the old-fashioned stripperriffic format.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start from the Bell, on TSN-Habs and some Sportsnets, but who knows which ones and what blackouts will be in effect. Possibly on in other places, but you didn't here that from us. Tronna 6-2-2 in their last 10, they're the GREATEST TEAM IN THE UNIVERSE. Teams have split four so far this year, with the home team winning all the games. According to TSN/CBC, the Leaf is in the playoffs and will win two rounds before an illegal Flyer hit takes out the best Leaf player (TBD) and robs them of the Stanley Cup. In all seriousness (ha!), they really are only 6 points out of 8th in the East with a game in hand. Ugh.

Pay your cover charge to - We've barely had any interaction with PPP lately. Sometimes, mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore and grow apart.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Hysterically, the Faceoff preview page lists absolutely no one as hot. I'm really not one to argue, though plenty of Habs (PFK, DDD, TFS, TITS TITS TITS) played well against the Nucks.

Hot sexy Leaves to watch - James Reimer is the GREATEST GOALIE IN THE UNIVERSE. Ke$$elTracker says Phil is the GREATEST FORWARD IN THE UNIVERSE. Brian Burke is the GREATEST GM IN THE UNIVERSE.

Skanky Habs to watch - PleXXXe pointless in 3, but he ain't no skank. I guess we'll see what Mex does tonight. He's always a candidate for skank.

Skanky Leafs to watch - Grabs pointless in 3, meaning he's sure to have a big breakout night tonight.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - Literally TFS, as his late night drinking has him benched in favour of Big Bald Alex Auld. This preview says Jaro 2.0 has gone on IR. Is that true? News to me. DarCHe is nursing a tweaked groin. With Jiggy and Gustavsson both hurt, GREATEST GOALIE IN THE UNIVERSE will start. Colton Orr is concussed.

Post-game adult entertainment - to make it equal for the guys, here's Sawyer's love (well, one of them) Kate taking her clothes off in the water.

See you bitCHes in the comments

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, February 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fact that alcohol is good for you...
  • Sabres snap their losing streak with a win over the Thrash and take over 9th spot in the East, all done in front of their new owner Terry Pegula;
  • Ottawa scored 5 goals! Well done! Sure, it was over Florida, but give 'em credit. Sens 5, Fla 1, snapping the Sens' 10-game home losing streak;
  • Bolts crush the Yotes (hey that rhimes! sort of) 8-3;
  • Pens are now 2-5-2 since Geno went down after losing 3-2 in OT to the Sharks;
  • Kings win the battle of SoCal 3-2;
  • Mathieu Schneider found a job with the NHLPA;
  • Here's the Bieber-Gretzky air hockey match that was all over the intertubes yesterday;
  • Looks like RDS will exercise its option to broadcast Habs games in 2013-2014;
  • Hickey has a pretty good look at the Habs playoff position.
Leafs in town tonight. Please join us in wishing GoldenGirl11 a very happy birthday. Perhaps for her birthday she would like to have a slow dance with a Hab, as presented in this week's video (lap dance to iRiRi as usual), which is really full of all kinds of win. Gill is awesome as usual at the :20 second mark, and I totally know what he's talking about with the fast part. Been there, done that. And it's "Winds of Change", Hamr, though "Change your Wind" sounds like an even better song.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Feelin' Good: Road Trip, Season saved! Habs 3, 'Nucks 2

I'm really not sure who or what the "Holker Family" is, except that it is obviously a cult

Ladies and Gentlemen, I find it tough to talk at a time like this.The emotions, they overwhelm me. A win! In Vancouver! I don't think I can deal with the emotional impact of at all. Man, I'm tired.  But it's a good kind of tired.

Let's step back a minute here. Just yesterday, let's face it, the season was in the tank. Well, at least for those of us on the reactionary side of the ledger. The Habs looked like they could never win a game again. Worse, they looked disinterested in doing so. Nothing gets a Habs fan angrier than a lack of effort or interest. And boy we were angry yesterday.

But then came the first ten minutes of hockey last night. Ten glorious minutes that showed you what the Habs could do if they showed interest. They skated like maniacs. They beat the Canucks to every single loose puck. They seemed to win battles. They made nice passes. They made the Canucks, offensive powerhouse they are, look slow and lost. The ten minutes produced 14 shots, 2 goals, and my heart in my mouth the whole time. I almost couldn't believe it was happening. There's CHicken sending a gorgeous 100-foot pass to DDD who does a masterful job corralling at and going in all alone on Lu to calmly beat him five-hole. There's the Habs buzzing the 'Nucks zone, PK finding a loose puck and firing, Gio getting creamed in the crease while finding the rebound and burying it. It was 2-0, and it easily could have been 4-0 or 5-0 if not for Lu who was spectacular. It was glorious. It got us Feelin' Good.

Cue the System.

Habs get outshot 38-11 the rest of the way and need Carey to bail them out on numerous occasions. But I'm Feelin' Good this morning, so we'll abstain from complaining about anything like the System. We'll abstain from complaining about anything. You know, like the FUCKING REFEREEING THAT IS GETTING EMBARRASSING ALREADY. A couple of ridiculous "hooking" (i.e. a Hab touching a Canuck with his stick and the Canuck falling down) calls against us, two or three non-calls of tackling. Literally, tackling. A bucketful of other non-calls. Refs who seemed to want to put there own little stamp on what was an excellent hockey game without their stupid interference. But I'm Feelin' Good, so I won't complain about anything like that.

Let's let our inner TMS loose to hit some bullets as to what has us Feelin' Good this morning:
  • Andrei "Big Tits" Kostitsyn, ladies and gentlemen! Not only did he score for the first time since the last time the Habs won in Vancouver, he was all over the ice, making plays, even threw his body around a couple of times. Maybe it had something to do with his new centre, Lars Eller. They looked like they actually had CHemistry. Tits was so good, CHokula put him out there in the last 2 minutes to protect the lead! Can you fucking believe that?
  • TFS redeeming himself from the 7-goal disaster the last time he played in front of his friends and family;
  • PFK. Played an excellent game at both ends of the ice. Had an end to end rush on the PP that made us swoon. Swoon!
  • Hal Gill diving to get his giant frame to a puck to get an icing call at a key time late in the game;
  • Meth;
  • The PK. Technically, it allowed both goals, but really, we managed to kill a ton of PP time against the best PP in the league, including a 5-on-3 that straddled the second intermission;
  • The Mexican. Sure, he completely missed a wide open net and was still frustrating as hell at certain points, but at least he looked interested for a change. It got him his 500th career assist. Maybe there's hope;
  • CHokula's line juggling. Credit where credit is due. At least for this one game, it worked. Already mentioned Eller-Tits. MOEmaN looked rejuvenated as a non-top 6 forward. Jeff Halpern didn't embarass himself playing with PleXXXe. Now let's never speak of the fact we spoke well of JM again.
And since this is sort of TMS, we won't let you go without the long-form highlights after a win. They'll have you Feelin' Good.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Habby Hour ~ Partyin' Habs vs. CHilled Canucks ~ Game Preview and Open Call for alCHohol

Hey it could be worse, the mafia could be involved. Rumours suggest that TFS™ and PFK! were out drinkin' at 2am (EST), WTFuck some FHFers are still posting comments at that time. In the inimitable word of Gillis, meh.

Hey Bartender, what's the buzz? ~ 21h30 EST, that's like Happy Hour time in Granville. Game is on RDS. CBC/HNIC couldn't get the gametime changed to something more Easternly so they aren't showing it.

Ladies Night ~ A wink and a drink to our fine FHFemmes. Yeah, yeah, he's sMOov.

2 for 1 ~ We'll trade anyone Mex and Tits for a player, OK, a puck.

First Round is on ~ Molsons.

G.AA ~ Nothing Anonymous about Luongo vs. Price, coupla really good tenders.

CHeers ~ It's a dog eat dog world, and Mex is wearing Milkbone underwear.

Fell off the barstool ~ Lots of Canadiens and Canucks D-men.

Still drunk in Cowtown ~ Panger? Just wonderin'. Call home.

One Bourbon, one scotCH, one Babe ~ For the FHFellas that will hang in there until the end of tonight's game.

BYOBitCHin' ~ Habs are zero for a decade out West. Kick in that fucking saloon door already.

I.DDD. please ~ We're McLovin Desharnais. Sedins get free drinks. Make it a double.

On Tap ~ Orland Kurtenblog

Go for a bite ~ Always something good and filling at J.T.'s Place.

Hamr'd? ~ Roman is falling down way too much, looks tired, needs to sleep it off.

Last Call ~ Turn the lights on and take home a slumpbuster, or this beautiful Bavarian bombshell.

Karaoke this tune by the Jacques HouseMartins

~ ~ ~

It's Habby Hour again
I think I might be Habby if I was out with them
And they're Habby, B.C.s a lovely place to be
Habby that the FHF ire is real and the barman is a she
With their low-five smile
Its the meaning of style
And a night out with Geoff the boss
Where you win or you lose
And its them who CHoose
And if you don't win then you've lost

Heritage Classic's not a good place to be
Don't believe in Calixa Lavallée
'Cause they speak a different language in Calgary
And our song out West never really happens to be
{It's Habby Hour again}
Don't deceive our Calixa Lavallée
'Cause our anthem out West never really stands for thee
{It's Habby Hour again}

oh woah woah Canada

It's another night out with the boss
Following fuckups overgrown with moss
And he tells us that beers grow on trees
And if you sell them right they will land you lots of monies

Unparodied bit;

Where they open all their wallets
And they close all their minds
And they love to buy you all a drink
And then we ask all the questions
And you take all your clothes off
And go back to the kitchen sink

oh woah woah Ovenmitts! Pants!

Heritage Classic's not a good place to be
Don't believe in Calixa Lavallée
'Cause they speak a different language in Calgary
And our song out West never really happens to be
{It's Habby Hour again}
Don't deceive our Calixa Lavallée
'Cause our anthem out West never really stands for thee
{It's Habby Hour again}

woah woah woah woah Oh Canada!

Vancouver, usually not a good place to be
Don't believe it
'Cause they'll play a different game you'll see
And it's really gonna happen 1 win in 3
{It's Habby Hour again}
Don't believe it oh no
'Cause TFS™ & PFK! are juiced since 3 (am) PST
{It's Habby Hour again}
Better believe it
I believe it
Do you believe it

Its Habby Hour again, and again, and again
Its Habby Hour again, and again, and again
Its Habby Hour again, and again, and again

Its Habby Hour encore

G Y F H G!

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being gouged by Apple...
  • Caps and Pens always manage a barnburner, so last night must have been... Caps 1, Pens 0. Wait, what?
  • Chicago takes care of the Blues 5-3, stays right in that gigantic clusterfuck for 8th in the East;
  • 5-3 Isles over the Panthers in a battle of Eastern conf titans, with Matt Moulsen getting a hat trick;
  • Plenty of teams trading, just not the Habs. Yesterday was Stars-Pens;
  • Sheldon Souray cleared waivers. Remember when he was a defenseman every man wanted to play with and every woman wanted to sleep with
  • Rejean Tremblay rips into Geoff Molson for, uh, having the American national anthem played at the THHC? And a lack of French at the game? Like that was his fault?
  • Your power rankings roundup could get ugly: ESPN has the Habs down to 17th, and in a crazy twist, both The Hockey News and TSN seem not to have published them yesterday as usual. Well that makes this easier.
Habs' 0-3 Western road trip concludes tonight in Vancouver.

Monday, February 21, 2011


This is not a game review, because a game review implies that the reviewer actually saw the game. I may have slapped down 300 bones to sit 50 yards from the ice, but that doesn't mean I saw the game. The setting may have been (somewhat) unique for a professional hockey contest and certainly unique in this town, but that doesn't mean I saw the game. It may have been my absolute favourite team playing my adopted hometown villans, but that doesn't mean I saw the game. There may even have been several wagers placed on this game that meant its outcome was particularly interesting to my choice of waredrobe this week, but THAT DOESN'T MEAN I ACTUALLY SAW THE GAME.

If you want a game review, I suppose the one for the last Alberta-based embarrassment will do just as well for this Alberta-based embarrassment. But that's obviously not want I want to talk about today.

It was cold, but I'd like to think it would have been much more bearable if there had been the distraction of a hockey game to keep one's mind off of the icicles forming around one's toes. That's not really what I want to rehash.

This is what I want to say: I hate the NHL right now. Why sell seats with views so poor and so obstructed by TV platforms that perhaps 10% of the ice was visible? You've got a venue double that of your regular indoor arena and temporary seating that more than made up for closing off the first 10 rows or so, at least in the corners.

Okay, the NHL is a business (and when I say "the NHL", I mean to include all of its teams and its broadcast "partners"). And judging from the fact they packed an outdoor football stadium on a Sunday evening in the middle of February, they've obviously got the pulse of their fanbase. Yet I can't help but feeling betrayed considering all the cash I've dropped on NHL-type stuff of all sorts, just to be taken for granted once again.

And then I started to think of the best hockey games I've ever seen. As you know what? I can't think of one NHL game since 1993. All of the standout highlights have taken place in international hockey, like the Olympics, World Juniors and World Cup. And they don't even all involve Canada - I vividly remember Slovakia's upset of the States at the WJC in 2009. And most Olympic games (between top countries, anyway) offered 10 times the excitement of most NHL games. There's also junior hockey at different levels and, of course, beer leagues for those of us who like to get in on the action ourselves.

The NHL likes to think of itself as the only entity that matters in hockey. They can get away with moving pro teams from cities with lifelong hockey fans, from people who actually understand, enjoy and often play the game. They can rearrange playoff schedules to better lure foreign broadcasters who too often put on second rate efforts both in terms of production and exposure. Wouldn't it be cool if they actually made decisions with average hockey fans - and not bottom lines - in mind?

But when that same organization can attract 45,000 people in conditions like yesterday's, whose fault is it that fans are taken for granted?

All I know is that the NHL has made an extremely powerless enemy in me. All I can say is that I don't plan on giving any more money to the NHL anytime soon. I'm also pretty sure the NHL doesn't care - but of course, I knew that yesterday.

The Morning Skate for Monday, February 21st

Had to update the post with the mask that will devour your CHildren

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being the highest-ranked Canadian tennis player ever...
  • Well that was disappointing. Flames 4, Habs Zip. Give some credit to Kipper we guess, blame the ice, blame the refs, blame Mrs. Panger, but really, just, sigh. This team is getting really frustrating now. Once again, we'll see what Panger has to say later today;
  • Rangers lose again too, tho. No one wants 6th place;
  • Caps win 2-1 over the Sabres. At least someone wants 5th place;
  • Wings win their fifth straight;
  • Chicago is struggling to get into a playoff position, beat Pens in a SO;
  • Let's see what Jack Todd has today: calls the THHC a marketing stunt (so he agrees with us), railing into Gomez (sounds good), and calling people who bashed PFK totally racist. Uh oh.
Man this soon to be 0-3 road trip will be the death of us.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Let's Heritage the shit out of this weekend - Flames preview and open thread sponsored by Tim Hortons

Forgive me in advance for waxing poetic, but if any game calls for it, this is it.

I must admit to being an unabashed fan of outdoor hockey. While I grew up in the city and thus as far away from a "pond" as humanly possible, many, many days and nights of my youth were spent on the outdoor rink at the park just down the street from my house (park satellite image obviously taken in summer). I really do have the stereotypical Canadian memories of my mom coming to tell us it was "9 PM for fuck's sake, get your stupid ass back in the house it's your bedtime" (mom swore like a sailor even back then). I can just picture my friends and I out there, at -20 Celsius even, just wanting to play. I recall the times we told the city worker to go away when he wanted to resurface the ice because it would mean 30 minutes we couldn't play. I remember the wacky boards we had, with no curved corners and set up as a parallelogram rather than a rectangle. I remember digging through the snow to find our last puck after it flew over the boards. I remember the glorious, glorious relief I felt when I finally took off my 1970's-era Bauers (wearing extra socks because Mom bought them a size too big because "you'll grow into them") after skating practically non-stop for five hours.These were amazing, simpler times that I remember very fondly, and no doubt many of you have similar memories. The outdoor hockey game is a quintessentially Canadian tableau. I guess Vermonters, Michiganders, North Dakotans or Finns for that matter did the same thing, but it's not the same. In Canada those outdoor rinks and ponds meant everything because hockey means everything to a Canadian kid, unlike the Michigan kid who was just biding time 'til Little League season, or the Finnish kid who went cross-country skiing on the weekends. In Canada, it's our shared Heritage.

So what does all this have to do with the 2011 NHL Tim Hortons Heritage Classic? Dick all. The Tim Hortons Heritage Classic is about the NHL seeing a very successful college stunt and thinking holy shit, we can capitalize on this. We can expand our audience, get some press, sell 50,000 tickets instead of 20,000, sell some toques, and sell some admittedly delicious sugary treats. And now doing it repeatedly. All of it under the guise of it being "traditional" and "playing to hockey's heritage." Yeah, whatever. My park didn't have heated benches (or any benches) and didn't have 50,000 people watching (or anyone watching). FFS, it didn't even have nets. Using boots for goalposts is our Heritage. A made-for-TV event is not.

With that said, an NHL game in a football stadium is still pretty fucking cool, no matter how many times they do it. So let's get in the spirit and sell some admittedly delicious sugary treats while we set this one up.

The first double double of the morning - before the THHC even starts, we get a warmup today with the alumni game. It goes at 6:30 PM EST, and it's on RDS (CBC has banished it to online only). I cannot wait for the return of Jyrki Lumme. That guy ruled. And maybe Sergio Momesso brought some delicious sandwiches with him, and Lanny McDonald can spend the game picking crumbs out of his mustache.

Waiting patiently in line for your morning fruit explosion muffin behind that guy who hems and haws when ordering and takes forever, even though he's there EVERY FUCKING DAY - 6 PM EST start tomorrow. On CBC, and Versus for you 'mericans. The Habs won the only other meeting so far this season, the crazy 5-4 win last month when we blew a four goal lead only to have PFK celebrate his OT winner to the disgust of everyone outside Montreal. The Flames are the much better team right now though, going 7-1-2 over their last 10. As for the Habs, well, we suck right now.

Like uh, Dunkin Donuts I guess? Dome Beers remains our favourite Flames blog, what with all the half-naked chick pics on there. And you know, beer.

As sweet as a 20-pack of Timbits you scarf down all by yourself. Hey, don't blame me for eating them all, I was high at the time - DDD is our best offensive player right now I guess, with 7 points in his last 5 games. That's both exciting and disturbing. DDD is also responsible for a CHicken resurgence. The Flames have hot players up the wazoo right now, with Jokinen, Bourque, Regehr all scoring, and Kipper playing well between the pipes.

As cold as a large Iced Cap - do I have to say it? Tits pointless in 8, brainless in 59. The whole defense as a group really shat the bed against the Oil, but Paul Mara will rescue us all. Flames and their 7-1-2 record don't really have much to be chilly about, except for maybe the temperatures expected at McMahon this weekend.

Exciting like one of those temporary donut flavours you fall in love with only to see them disappear after a month or two - Squid!!! SQUEEEEEE!!!! Looks like Squid (who actually played in that first Michigan - MSU Cold War game) will make his return after missing 12 games. Not only that, Hal Gill looks to return as well to help shore up the D after missing 4. Even CHeez Whiz, so horribly disfigured in the last game, has a real chance of playing.

Like a hot chocolate after the game - if all the models of the SI Swimsuit Issue can't warm you up, you may be suffering from death.

Let's hear your rink and pond stories and / or fave Tim Hortons treat in the comments

Friday, February 18, 2011

It's All My Fault - Oilers 4 Habs 1

Ryan Jones said the crowd was 55% Oilers fans...meaning 20% of Oilers fans were wearing a Habs jersey, for some strange reason. And yes, my camera had a few beers so it's a bit blurry. I miss GG too.

Fuck. It's my fault.

That's the third Habs' game I've attended here out west, and the first in Edmonton. Same result in all three: the Habs don't show up. What's worse is the game was f'ing BORING save for the in-house crowd battle cries of Lets Go Oilers! vs. Go Habs Go! for most of the evening. There was some effort, but no emotion and little skill outside the Oilers crease.  Although I did see Bit Tits smile during the warmups and thought for sure he was going to score. Then I remembered Count Chokula is his coach so that feeling will be gone half way back to the bench. Guess what? Another big fat goose egg. Trade 'im already, you know the Count wants to.

I spent the entire third period trying to figure out another excuse for the loss besides me. Injuries? Okay, when you've got a basketball player on defence (Nash) and one of the three vets goes down 7 minutes in, your defence is allowed to cause trouble. But the Habs didn't win for lack of defence - save for that 15 second comedy of errors early in the third. (I love you PK, but when you got a guy lined up just outside the blueline MAKE SURE YOU HIT HIM.)

And while TFS (tm) wasn't the problem, he was
certainly outdueled by a dude who could play his grandfather in the HBO production "Habs/Oilers 24/7". (But man is Carey a fine specimen to observe during warmups if you fancy yourself a puckstopper. And he's durable, unlike the fossil across the ice and the Dmen in front of him - AND a certain former crease buddy who was recently put on the IR...but still love you, Jaro!)

Maybe the Habs don't like the West? Well, granted that both Edmonton and Calgary are boring as hell compared to life in the MTL, but there are enough western boys that you'd think they'd know what to expect. And the flip side is they can't claim that they were distracted by the prospect of the cities' nightlife. And surely they were not distracted by those Octane Whores  (*TM Mrs. Panger) "dancing" in the aisles - because you could pick out a random group of females from any Montreal club and get a hotter - and better coordinated - bunch.

But really, it all came back to me. The common denominator is me. And the rest of the Canadiens extended family who have left Montreal. The club knew we were coming (how could they not?), knew we were all psyched to see them - and they consistently shit the bed out West. Is it a feeling of betrayal because a couple of generations earlier the Habs were Canada's Western team (no one outside T.O. has ever enjoyed the Leafs, obviously)? And now these young upstarts - with their "Great One" and tiny collection of Cups and teams stolen from Georgia and goalies stolen from St Leonard - have their own fans? Meanwhile the Montreal team is punishing us for joining these losers (albeit Cup contending losers in Vancouver this year) and abandoning La Belle Province altogether.

Or is it because they get too much love: they know that I and my legions of former Montrealers-but-still-diehard-Habs-fans will pay to see them play even if they lose 10-1 here every time. And we'll even show up for warmups to take crappy, blurry pictures.

Or maybe it's Paul Mara's fault. Keep your equipment carry-on goddamit. You're 6'4, don't tell that 5'2 bitch of a stewardess what you can and cannot do with your stuff.

Well at least it didn't get any worse - oh wait, what's that Wiz's face is telling me from it's hospital bed? Enjoy this shot of The Phantom of Rexall Place back when he had an orbital bone and his basketball playing cousin (sorry, I got nothing else for this Brendon kid yet).

Now cross your fingers for the Heritage Classic: not for a win - we know that's futile! - but for better than    -20 weather so I don't have to pull a James Franco impression and amputate a limb halfway through the third.

Comment me!

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, February 18th

Our final Heritage Classic alternate jersey is the "CBC / TSN Special"

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Brooklyn Decker ('s tits) in the SI Swimsuit Issue...
  • FEAR THE COLLAPSE PEOPLE. Oilers 4, Habs 1, CHeez Whiz' face -1 (WARNING: do not click on that face pic if you're eating breakfast). When the game story headline has "struggling" and "tailspin" in there (in relation to the Habs, not, you know, the worst team in the league the Oil) it can't be good. We'll see what Panger has to say later today;
  • And the Bs won. Let's face it, 1st place is a dream. The playoffs may be a dream at this rate;
  • The Rangers are all of a sudden nipping at our ass again after they beat the Kings in a SO;
  • Caps managed to lose too though;
  • Wings win the Battle of Decent Teams 6-2 over the Bolts;
  • The Yotes are apparently good now, beat the Thrash 4-3;
  • Jaro has gone on IR after he injured his hand at practice;
  • Here's a report on the state of the ice and weather  for the Heritage Classic. Our excitement for that game is waning by the minute.
OK it's still Friday, and it's still sexy. We'll try and CHeer you up with more from the SI swimsuit issue, cover girl and Cristiano Ronaldo's gf Irina Shayk rolling around and frolicking. Mmm, frolicking.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Let's do the Time Warp Again: Habs-Oilers Preview and Game Night Open Thread

No, but seriously... Was Paul Mara the inspiration for this character??

When I heard the news that the Habs got Paul Mara (a.k.a. Yukon Cornelius) back from the Ducks this morning, I expected to hear Sonny and Cher playing on my clock radio on a never ending loop, with the announcers chattering obnoxiously about Groundhog Day.

Mercifully, I've already done the time travel thing at FHF, so this is the *image that I saw instead.

Gosh, am I ever relieved that it wasn't Bill Murray's reflection staring back at me.

Anyhoo, tonight is the Habs' first game of their Western Road Trip. Much like this year's edition of the Habs, this road trip is either a fucking disaster of epic proportions... or it solidifies the team's standing and gives them a solid push towards the playoffs.

I've read lots of comments saying that the Habs "have" to win against the Oil because, apparently, they'll have a harder time against the red-hot *rimshot* Flames and the 'Nucks.

Obviously, the people saying those things haven't watched this team this year. True to form, they often shit the bed against crappy teams that they "should" beat and rise to the occasion against the elite teams.

Will they break the pattern tonight?


The Game: Puck drops at 9:00... ugh, stupid Western time zones. Seems as though they're trying their level best to ignore the fact that Toronto is the center of the universe as well. Broadcast on RDS and the CeeBeeCee. I actually find the CBC more objectionable during the weekdays, even without Don Cherry, but maybe that's just me. Still waiting for my feed with only rink noise, dammit.

The Sweet Bird of Youth: Long live the kiddie corps!! DDD, Patches, Chickendude are on fire with some pretty nice consecutive point streaks going.

The Underachievers: [shift+ F5] Gomez, AK46, blah blah blah. Although I will admit that they were playing like they gave somewhat of a shit in the first period of the Islanders game. Until they stopped caring, along with the rest of the team...

Collateral Damage: Thank God Gill is coming back tonight. I can't decide whether or not Spacek's injury helps us or hinders us... He's the most Jekyll and Hyde player on this whole Jekyll and Hyde team. Squid is still out, but reallyreallyreally wants to play on Sunday (duh). Oilers seem pretty healthy overall. Grreat.

Showgirls: I'm writing this at work, so I have no link to any good sites to share with you, my dear readers. So I will leave you with this query: was Showgirls taking itself seriously, or is it a satirical masterpiece regarding the fact that everyone in Hollywood is a whore?

* I may still have been dreaming, or I may somehow have infiltrated Mr. LG77's dreams in a Matrix-like way. Apparently, my big problem is that I watch far too many movies.

Comments? Déjà Vu? Dreams? Hallucinations (drug-induced or otherwise)? Other visions, revelations that were revealed to you on a Red Letter Day in the History of Science? Talk about it in the comments!

The Game Day Skate is going West, young man, for Thursday February 17th

Today's Heritage Classic alternate jersey is all like "well, maybe if the refs think we're one of them, we'll get some calls"

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of not having a running game next year...
  • Well, 5th place was fun while it lasted - Caps 7, Ducks 6 in a wild one, with Semin getting a hat trick;
  • The Leaf is only 8 points out of a playoff spot! They're the best team in the league!!!! Leafs 2, Sabres 1;
  • Devils continue to be hot (8-1-1 in their last 10) with a 3-2 win over the Canes;
  • Flyers win their league-best 38th game;
  • Avs lose their 9th in a row, to the Pens in OT;
  • The Flames get back into a playoff spot with a 4-2 win over the Stars. We know you don't care about the Western Conf, but take a look at the 4-8 clusterfuck in the West standings this morning. It's pretty cool;
  • Get well, Joel Quenneville;
  • Be sure to check the FHFunnies today, as we have been zinged;
  • Let's get to the really important news - the return of Paul Mara! We think it says something about the state of our kiddie corps defense that we are THRILLED to welcome back a player who we openly derided on a regular basis last year. No doubt SpatCHes, who is not going West, is injured worse than we thought. What was Mara's nickname again?
OK, Habs head West for three games, starting with Edmonton tonight. FHF is thrilled that our West Coast correspondent Panger will be attending both Alberta games live, and will review them for us. You know, assuming he's not too drunk.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

sCHtv - Farm Team Report ~ BUF 3 - Hamilton 2 (SO) ~ Horse Hooey Game Review

Well good afternoon' FHFers, I call you FHFers because who the hell else reads these game reviews? Its a bit past 5PM and this is your Farm Team Report featuring players drafted or acquired by Billy Bob Gainey and Trevor Sol Timmins. You almost need a programme or an AlmanaCH to figure out all those new CHaracters in their blue-blanc-rouge duds. Desharnais, Nash, Subban, Price, Pacioretty, White, Weber, Pyatt. Five of the Canadiens' 18 skaters began the season in the AHL.

CHicken elbows ~ Pouliot is proving it with his stick and his shoulders.

Ham-fisted hocks ~ Couldn't get more than two twine twinges on AHL call-up Jhonas Enroth.

JMs Jowels ~ Flappin' the 'System' after the 2nd period. Quit corralling them CHocula.

HatCHed CHickadee ~ DDD, so cute, so tiny, so diminutive you just want to squeeze him.

Turd Blockers ~ Looks like the Sabres figured out TFS™'s weak spot (I miss the days when mcsplooge said the book on Carey was high glove-hand). Lucky Craig 'Cowpie' Rivet didn't get a shot.

Buffalo Bellies ~ Holy cow can these bullshit artists milk it in a shootout or what?

Loose Lips ~ Winnipeg-based farmhand lehab took some of the blame but seeing as he's in Winnipeg we say he's suffered enough.

Magic Maple Beans ~ Someone gave them to the leaf, who beat the Bs, in regulation, allowing the Habs to be virtually tied for 1st. Orphaned Russian Habhand Gabrovski wins it. Forgotten son Guy BouCHer's team got a pity point too.

Inflatable Sheep ~ English cable tv sCHepherds tsn have lost their fucking way. Can we trade them?

High on the Hogs ~ Is it me or is Michel Bergeron (who has taken ownership of DDD's career) getting really fat? Speaking of fatheads, can Bluet embarrass himself more?

Goat Futures ~ Trade deadline is Feb 28th. Make some hay Pierre.

Fertilizer Sale ~ How many times must the Buffalo coach shoot shit at the refs? Enough for them to apparently apologize to him. Fuck that, time to blow up Lindy Ruff, real good.

Farmer's Daughter ~ Here she is. Don't touCH her!

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, February 16th

Today's Heritage Classic alternate jersey is making me thirsty
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Prince and Princess' visit to Canada...
  • Classic blunder last night. Sure, the most famous is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but slightly less famous is "never get involved in a shootout with the Sabres". Even if it takes 10 rounds, you'll lose. Sabres 3 Habs 2 (SO). More later;
  • Grabs! Kessel! Plan the Yonge Street parade! Leaf 4, Bs 3;
  • We're too upset about blowing our chance to get to 1st in the Northeast we're not writing about any more games. Here's your scoreboard. Looks like Philly-Tampa was a good one;
  • Kaberle to Bruins? What happened to not trading to your division rival?
  • Bs land Chris Kelly from Ottawa;
  • Dustin Byfuglien signs a big extension with the Thrash.
Seriously we're annoyed this morning.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Everybody Hates Pernell Karl: Sabres Game Preview and Open Thread

Okay, we get it. No, really, we get it. WE UNDERSTAND, Pensblog. And Mr. Cherry. And Mr. Richards. And Miss Lupul. And the rest of you. You think our little guy is disrespectful. Or arrogant. Or a cheapshotting punk. Or too big for his britches. Got you, loud and clear.

No, I didn't say uppity. No, I don't think you are all American History X/National Front/Chelsea Headhunters racists. Do I think some of you aren't exactly comfortable discussing PK's race? Maybe, but I don't think there is a global old white guy conspiracy to keep PK down like some sort of 21st century Roots. Part of the problem might be stupid stuff like this that only served to set off sirens in everyone's head that make everything about PK Subban somehow a racial issue.

It's not.

PK is an issue because he's a potential star in one of the biggest markets in the NHL, a market that has been starved of a) any real success and b) a true superstar for almost 20 years. It's an issue because the captain of another major market team (Richards) spouted off about respect and people ran with it, with Montreal fans defending PK, traditionalists defending Richards' sentiments and Montreal haters piling on. It's an issue because a media icon (Cherry) jumped on the story, and TSN's Darren Pang Freudian slipped into infamy, and PK scored an overtime winner and celebrated too much, and threw on a Carolina jersey to play up to the fans, and didn't do the right thing in a fight with Lupul, who just happened to be a recent addition to the most widely followed team in the NHL.

Does PK need to zip it sometimes? Probably. Is he unfairly singled out for criticism? In a league where the Islanders pull their stunt from last Friday, and Matt Cooke remains employed, and the Bruins see nothing wrong with firing punches at guys who are already beaten to the ice, and owners get indicted, and players are rumoured to be sleeping with teammates wives, yeah, I think the whole "PK is disrespectful" angle gets a little too much play. Sadly, such is life on a team with such a polarizing place in the game. It works both ways. I can read 1000 "Brian Burke is a blowhard jackass who lucked into a Cup, ha hah ha Kessel trade" articles for every mention of the amazing support he and his family show towards the gay community in Toronto and elsewhere in the wake of Brendan Burke's coming out.  Life in the internet age isn't always fair and balanced.

The challenge for PK is to continue to learn how to be a good professional hockey player without curtailing his unique skill set too much. The challenge for Canadiens fans is to not take any criticism of PK's attitude as a personal affront. People didn't like Patrick Roy's attitude either, you know. A guy named Chris Chelios didn't win a lot of friends his rookie year. Ask Mike Milbury what he thought of Guy Lafleur. Even that Rocket fellow ran afoul of his colleagues once or twice. PK will learn, or not. If he does, the Canadiens and the league will benefit. If he doesn't, the league and the Canadiens will move on. And so will everyone else.

What does this have to do with Buffalo? Well, PK is playing versus Buffalo tonight, if that helps.

What, you guys again?: For what seems like the millionth time, Buffalo meets the Habs at the Bell Centre ce soir. 7:30 on RDS, Versus, and TSN-Habs. Canadiens stopped three game losing streak with Saturday's shutout of Toronto, while (look out!) Sabres are a runaway train lately, winning 7 of 10 and sneaking to within 4 points of the playoffs with a bunch of games in hand.

Leading the charge: Sabres are getting scoring from Drew Stafford (8 goals in 4 games) and Tomas Vanek (7 points in 4) with rookie Tyler Ennis starting to find his feet in the absence of whining diving crybaby Derek Roy. Habs are being lead by the kids lately, as Max Pac (4 points in 3) DDD (First star on Saturday, 6 points in his past three) are helping out uber-consistent Pleks (10 points in 9).

Dragging the boat down: This space might soon become the Scott Gomez and Andrei Kostitsyn memorial paragraph, if they don't start scoring more consistently. Unless it becomes the "OMG, we gave up Jaro for a stiff, Lars Eller is way over matched right now" memorial paragraph. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Lars Eller has one more point that Josh Gorges. Josh Gorges is a low-scoring defenseman WHO HAS MISSED THE LAST TWENTY GAMES. When Squid gets back, please send Eller to Hamilton for the Max Pac treatment. Thank you. Sabres are hard charging towards 8th and have a lot of guys hot, but would be even better with some more help from Paul Gaustad and Rob Niedermayer.

Not Miller time. Price is Right: Cliched headlines abound when the Sabres and Habs meet, because Ryan Miller and Carey Price usually man the nets and the mainstream media is full of idiots. Let's see how the spin the fact that Jhonas Enroth is rumoured to be starting in goal for Buffalo, ending a string of starts for Miller that began on November 26. Suddenly, I'm worried Alex Auld will break down under his massive workload backing up Price.

Owies: Whining diving crybaby Derek Roy is out for the season with a bruised va-jay-jay ... no, wait, he had surgery on his left quadriceps. Sissy. Walk it off. Steve Montador is questionable after being concussed in the head. Habs missing long-term absentees Markov, Gorges, Cammy (for a few more days). Darche and Max Pac are probable for tonight, and Hal Gill and Spacek are questionable so the Habs called up big fella Brendan Nash from Hamilton.

Read this, if only for the title: Die By the Blade.

After game entertainment: See if these ladies want to trade up from Pominville and whining diving crybaby Roy.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 15th

Today's Heritage Classic alternate jersey is all like, woah, dude, is it 4:20 already?
Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being indicted on soliciting a minor prostitute charges while you're the PM...
  • FIFTH FUCKING PLACE, bitCHes, thanks to the Caps' 3-2 loss to the Yotes;
  • Jaro beats Luongo, and Luongo did a nice favour to the Blues and handed them a goal (video);
  • Flames crush the Avs 9-1;
  • The Avs were without Peter Forsberg, who retired again. We'd say something nice about him, but we'll probably get another chance;
  • Brian Burke trying to make the CotU media love him by keeping busy with trades. Versteeg to Flyers for 2011 picks including a first-rounder;
  • TSN continues their PFK piling-on;
  • Squid was at practice yesterday with the team and may be back for the Heritage Classic;
  • The Power Rankings roundup has the Habs in 10th (ESPN), 7th (!) (The Hockey News), and 13th (guess who).
Buffalo comes a-callin' tonight. While you wait, lap dance to iRiRi who keeps pointing us to awesome Habs video. Today's question is about crushes when they were 10 years old. Hal Gill at the 1:22 mark rules as always.

Monday, February 14, 2011

TMS loves all you bitCHes on this Monday Valentines Day

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being the first Canadian to win an ATP tournament in 16 years...
  • TMS loves that Mario spoke out against the state of the league and threatened to leave it in the wake of the Isles-Pens brawl and the punishment handed out. Mario did not comment on Matt Cooke;
  • Scoreboardwatcher loves the Wings, who won both ends of the home and home against the Bs;
  • TMS is loving the Pens' slide without their stars, but scoreboardwatcher doesn't love that the most recent loss came to the Rangers;
  • Scoreboardwatcher loves that this game wasn't a 3-pointer: Canes 3, Thrash 2;
  • TMS loves that the crappy Isles have some fight in them, winning a wild 7-6 (OT) game over the Sabres;
  • We love seeing Philly get shut out;
  • Gazette's Stubbs loves him some Hamr, while Hickey loves him some Double D, and Jack Todd doesn't love the province's plan for the Quebec City arena, and TMS doesn't love that he agrees with him;
  • Mario Tremblay loves goons.
TMS doesn't love that FHF is losing GG11 for the next couple of weeks as she is traveling to parts unknown. But we love that she has left us with a special gift, a series of alternate Habs jerseys that should be considered for use in the Heritage Classic coming up this weekend. We'll be featuring one a day all this week. Today's seems highly appropriate. Now get out there and love someone.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Where's Kessel? ~ Habs find 3 goals, leaf can't find the back of the net ~ Game Review and Open SearCH for Phil

Well that was fun kids, especially glenn healey's sad attempt at highlighting a laughingstock leaf instead on concentrating on the game at hand. Oh wait, its hnic. Production meetings at the cbc must be hilarious. Imagine a hack like healy asking for special graphics and a special 'tracking' device. Some schlub in Toronto (I know, Centre of the self-aggrandized Universe, aka CotU) has the added workload to please their leaf fan lemmings. Love the sCHadenfrude. So in the spirit of the Ke$$elTracker™, lets find out what else happened last night.

Where's your integrity/credibility ? ~ Go figure, toronto-based media house of mirrors slagging PFK! for being 'called out' by burke's latest rehab project. Hopefully PFK! rehabs Loopy on Feb. 24th (I'll be at the game!). tsn actually freeze frames the play, puts a focused light on Loopy's helmet and whines, whines, whines that PFK! is disrespectful. Fucking morons.

Where's the respect ? ~ Nice blindside hit on PatCHes, leaf #2 Dman (hnic reminds us that fLuke schenn leads in hits but failed to mention that he also leads in giveaways, this on a team that ices Dou$harek).

Where's our rival ? ~ In Boston. The toronto-based media funhouse still clings to the idea that their storied leaf matters. We laugh at you, not with you.

Where's the 3 stars ? ~ DDD (heard Gio! call him that on post game show) potted a beauty and passed a perfect play to Pouliot, who was imitated with an almost similar goal from Captain America (no where to be found on the US Olympic team, wonder why?). DDD was also 12 for 16 on face-offs. Track that hnic.

Where's your tax money spent ? ~ The Ke$$elTracker™, brought to you by hnic, cuz they just gotta put the focus on their team and give their audience a nugget. How'd that work out?

Where's bob ? ~ Still cold.

Where's Crotch's Corner ? ~ Mr. Warmth was in WhiteHorse with his buddy ron mchudsonbay, watching, wait for it, hockey fights.

Where's the standings ? ~ Habs' Record is 31-20-6 2nd in Northeast, 6th in East, 9th in the League. The leaf is 4th, 12th, 26th but they can still mathemagically make the playoffs.

Where's the code ? ~ In milbury's shoe and boyce's blue&white birdcage. That fuckfaced leaf took offense to PFK!'s smile and shot the puck at him. Where's collie ?

Where's the net ? ~ The leaf never found it giving TFS™ his 6th shutout this season, 2nd vs. the leaf this season and 10th in his young career (and the leaf gave up it's 9th against this season). NB - healy and cold both made sure to mention the 'word' during the play. Fuckers.

Where's blowhard burke ? Is it me or did the hnic stuckonleafzoomcam not spot his fat white pasty face? 

Where was 29 ? ~ Away. Maybe ménage-à-ovenmitting Kristin?

Where's the mustard ? ~ Too muCH? meh, not enough.

Where's the post-nekkid-slumpbustin'-guy hot babe pic ? ~
Josie Maran