How could hockey in the desert fail?

As we mentioned in TMS this morning, Jim Balls-silly has put in a bid to buy the Coyotes and move them to Sarnia. Or Guelph. Or Etobicoke. But there are some fun facts that we sort of glossed over in our quickie morning format:

1. Phoenix filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday in court;
2. The restructuring plan for the team includes selling it to The Balls for $212.5 million, as long as he can move it to Southern Ontario;
3. Jimmy Balls has started a website to convince Canada we need another team. Like we need convincing;
4. No one told the NHL anything about this.

This all seems like one big Fuck You to Gary Bettman. If that's the case, we hereby express our support for this move.

I Don't Even Have A Joke Title Here

So according to reports, king of asshattery and the man who has ruined hockey Gary Bettman and his dumbass lackeys in the league offices are threatening to boot MSG, the very powerful owners of the Rangers (and Knicks, and Madison Square Gardens, and half of Manhattan) out of the league for having the temerity to challenge the NHL's Chinese Communist Party grip on all team websites and promotions.

So, let me get this straight: Owners who are shady and under investigation for numerous fraudulent business deals named "Boots" are okay; Owners whose monster pharmaceutical companies are also under investigation are okay; Ownership groups who are engaging in what might appear to be tampering with other team's contracted personnel are okay; and money-losing, garbage franchises in horrible markets are preferred to passionate potential owners and rabid hockey markets, because the potential owner is a bit of a maverick, and those types are never good for a floundering league. But you're going after one of your flagship franchise's owners because they had what could be a legitimate gripe about your half-assed promotional skills, even after the Courts ruled in your favour? Good fucking God.

We've got no love for the Rangers, but I certainly would back them against that fucking little twit Bettman.

Dear NHL Playoff Schedule Makers ...

DROP THE FUCKING PUCK ALREADY!!!

Seriously, what are you waiting for? This ain't the Super Bowl. Why Idiot Bettman doesn't take a page from his hero David Stern and have each new series start as soon as possible after the matchups are confirmed is beyond me. A full week of shit like "Sidney will be the youngest captain to hoist the Cup" or "Lidstrom will be the first European captain to hoist the Cup" or "Chris Chelios still changes his own adult diaper ... what a medical marvel!" articles has me at the breaking point.

We're Habs fans. But we're also hockey fans, and this series could be a great one, with some serious marketing potential ... so why drag it out? Anticipation has long given way to "holy fuck, are they ever going to start?", and with the weather warming up, we're all going to find something else to do. And they wonder why no one watches this fucking league.

Puck. Drop. Now.

Fuckers.

Happy Anniversary, Butthead!

The FHF couldn't let the glorious anniversary of Gary Bettman's takeover of the league go by without commemorating the occasion. Happy anniversary, Gary! 15 years ago today, you became commissioner. 15 years? It's been such a smooth ride you would have thought you took over just yesterday! Let's run down some of your finer accomplishments.

• You got rid of those nasty division and conference names. Who needs history? Look to the fabulous future, Gary! You are a visionary!
• You got the league on the best network in the whole world, Versus! Who cares if ESPN totally ignores hockey now? Versus has hunting! And fishing! And Mountain West College Basketball!
• You eliminated those pesky successful franchises in Quebec City and Winnipeg. Canada, pshaw! We hate hockey here! You knew the American South was the place for pucks. Again, visionary!
• You totally had labour peace. What's a couple of lockouts among friends?
• You turned the fourth major sport into, uh, something better! Well done!

Thank god you came along Gary. We couldn't have done it without you.

Thanks to the Pitssburgh Sports Guys for the photo. Those guys are geniuses. In Pittsburgh!

Leafs Forced to Pack Overnight Bags: Toronto Management Files Protest Over "Grossly Unfair" Scheduling

Sundin and Tucker console each other after hearing the horrific news

In a shocking development that General Manager John Ferguson Junior has labelled "grossly unfair" and "contrary to all principles of decency", the National Hockey League, in a brazen swipe at the shining beacon at the centre of the hockey universe, has decreed that the hard-luck Maple Leafs will be forced to travel to Pittsburgh to play the Penguins this evening. Leafs season ticketholders, fans, broadcasters, and players were shocked at what team president Larry Tannenbaum called "an outrageous, unnecessarily cruel punishment" from the league.

"I don't even have a bag large enough to hold a change of clothes", sniffed young winger Thomas Steen as he tearfully boarded a plane for the grueling hour and a half flight. Captain Mats Sundin helped the distraught youngster find a seat, refusing to answer questions about "this bullshit decision; rumour is the Penguins received permission to play Crosby and Malkin too."

NHL Head Office representatives would not confirm or deny Sundin's accusations that Penguins stars Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Sergei Gonchar would be allowed to play tonight. If so, it would be yet another injustice forced upon the Blue and White. As beloved, entirely neutral announcer Bob Cole noted, "it's bad enough they let all those guys play in Toronto, especially since they had only played one game the night before. But to let them all play at home after the Leafs have to take that horrible flight, and then have to take a bus to the rink ... well, that's deplorable." Cole then mumbled incoherently, mispronounced the names of several Penguin players (past and present), and hugged his Darcy Tucker beanie baby.

Coach Paul Maurice was incensed at the injustice being served on his team. He noted that the Leafs had already been forced to play in Ottawa and Buffalo in their first ten games, "and some of the boys didn't get back to their condos until almost 1 am" after both contests. Maurice also noted that if not for the timely injury suffered by Atlanta goalie Kari Lehtonen, the Leafs would have faced their third starting goalie of the year. "Three starters in the first ten games! And Gerber WAS the starter in Ottawa last year for a time!" said an increasingly agitated Maurice, his voice as loud as a normal human whisper. "If I only have back-up goalies, it only seems fair that the other team use theirs."

Commissioner Gary Bettman was indeed sympathetic to the Leafs, and said that the NHL would make sure that injustices such as this were not perpetrated against "our flagship franchise, and the owners of our rented offices in the ACC." Bettman then promptly suspended Penguins goalies Marc-Andre Fleury and Dany Sabourin for tonight's game, and replaced them with former Pens back-up Frank Pietrangelo and Jean-Claude Van Damme's character from Sudden Death "because he plays a Penguin goalie, and that's close enough." Bettman also immediately passed the "John Tavares rule", which guarantees the Leafs the right to choose 16 year-old Oshawa Generals goal-scoring phenom John Tavares "whenever they are ready".

When told of the Commissioner's moves, Ferguson Junior said "it's a start, but it still won't save my fucking job. Do you think the Pens would take the Tavares pick for Pietrangelo?"

Panger Rant: Fuck the Fans

The Preds look like they’re staying put, a least for this season until they move to another unviable and ridiculous U.S. destination, most likely Kansas City to become the Born Again Scouts. If not K.C., then Las Vegas - I would make another joke about this, but Adam Proteau beat me to the punch. And Balls-silly (along with Hamilton and really all Canadian fans) gets bent over the NHL’s knee again, for the second time in 6 months. How can Canadian fans come to any other conclusion than Bettman is desperate to keep another franchise out of Canada? He’s already killed two Canadian teams. Plus he managed to have three teams into SoCal, two in Florida and only one in Quebec. Gary, please explain this to me. Right, you’re the Devil. No, that’s giving the little man too much credit…he’s Satan’s Little Helper.

Question: how can Preds' owner Craig Leopold (but really, Satan’s Little Helper) get away with screwing Balls-silly like this? I’m no lawyer (oh, wait…) but isn’t there some sort of anti-trust law that prevents this from happening? Leopold is saying all the legally correct things in the press - no solid offer blah blah blah - but isn’t it obvious that the NHL is blackballing Balls-silly? He made a much higher offer ($60mill will buy Mr. Leopold a lot more of whatever uber-rich assholes probably already have) and had some kind of agreement in place. Although the fact he hasn’t unleashed a Mr. Burns-like battalion of law-smiths may be an indication that I’m completely wrong. I’m sure HF33 can explain this to me.

Legal issues aside, does Satan’s Little Helper really hate the idea of another Canadian team, or does he fear that Balls-silly would become the Mark Cuban of the NHL? The history of SLH’s reign has been to tighten his grip on the NHL’s owners, so there is every indication he bears the main responsibility for keeping Balls-silly out of the NHL. What scares Satan’s Little Helper more, Balls-silly almost certainly bringing whatever NHL team he gets his crackberry-free hand on to Canada, or a maverick owner who has already demonstrated that he won’t play nice and bend over for Bettman? Balls-silly probably earned the second half of our half-assed moniker when he put tickets on sale in Hamilton before he had Leo’s name on the bottom line, but in so doing he has made it clear that he will not toe the NHL party line. And don’t think SLH didn’t take that as a slap to the pitchfork.

This raises an even more fundamental question to all hockey fans, although obviously FHF is not breaking new ground by posing the question: what the f-c-u-k was the lockout for? Increasingly more legit media-types are questioning whether SLH, the lockout’s champion of small market teams, is revealing a more fundamental preoccupation: the almighty dollar. And we’re not even going to get into sky-rocketing salaries here; as I said, that theme has already nearly been beaten to death.

It’s clear that Satan’s Little Helper and his cronies believe there is more growth (read: greenbacks) in trying to sell the game in hockey backwaters rather than in guaranteed hockey markets. While this may actually make some economic sense - how much more money can you squeeze out of an already hockey saturated market? - but didn’t Bettman say that the lockout was ultimately for the fans i.e. to achieve competitive balance, reining in players salaries and, by implied extension, ticket costs? Then again, what are Canadian fans going to do? Stop going to games? Right. Satan’s Little Helper can effectively fuck Canadian fans and all his has to worry about is some piss-ant blogger calling him names.

Or maybe he knows Balls-silly has demonstrated - twice - that he will do anything, and more importantly pay anything - to get his hands on an NHL franchise. There has already -shudder - been talk of further expansion, so maybe Satan’s Little Helper is just posturing to get $250Mill or so out of Balls-silly for a crappy expansion team. Nothing would make tight wad owners like Jeremy Jacobs and Bill Wirtz happier - except stealing candy from babies, of course Hence SLH's power: he makes uber-rich owners richer.

Maybe there’s a reason NHL owner’s are lining up bend way down to kiss SLH’s ass after all. And, whatever Satan's Little Helper's main motivation, it seems clear that he and the owners don't give a rat's ass about the fans - as long as they've already paid for their tickets.