Sexy Friday M*A*S*H Up: 4077th Habs at Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

Last man standing wins, as the battered and broken Habs bus down to Ottawa to take on a Sens team who just got beaten up in Philly. Bodies start hitting the floor at 7:30, live from Scotiabank Place, somewhere deep in the DMZ around Kanata. You can watch the carnage live on RDS, or Sportsnet East if you can stand it.

Who's in triage? Look, all anyone is talking about since the Habs got Buffaloed is the wounded, so let's get it out of the way: Max Pac got his chest Wizzed on but thinks he can go tonight so he'll be a game time decision. Cammy is out up to a month with a messed-up shoulder. Halpern didn't make the short trip because he got his bell rung versus Lindy's thugs on parade. Chicken is a game-time decision, still suffering from flu-like symptoms. Hal Gill's hand/wrist seem okay. PK's foot got banged up but he's in. Markov and Gorges are still done. Sens are also MASHed up, missing Jason "I always score a great looking goal against Montreal" Spezza, Pascal "No Quebecois goalie to bite the Habs ass tonight" Leclaire, and L'Artiste himself, Alexei Kovalev (broken mojo/bum knee).

New recruits: Already sporting greenhorns Yanick Weber and David Desharnais, plus Max Pac and PK, the Habs get two more call ups from the Bulldogs as Andreas Enqvist and Ryan White make the trip to Ottawa. Chocula already loves the boring, safe, defensively responsible and offensively challenged Enqvist like a son. White hits too much and offers too much energy to really be accepted by Chocula, although his glaring offensive weaknesses at least earn him "foster child" status.

Hot Lips Houlihan has nothing on these guys: Carey Price has started treating pucks like North Korea treats journalists again, allowing very few past his borders. He's 4-1-1 after the rough stretch in December. PK scored the game winner versus Calgary and played roughly three hours versus Buffalo; he and the Wiz (10 points in 9 games) carry the defence. Big Tits has looked like a player you'd want over the past two. Pleks has turned it around some (4 points in 5). Special mention to Panger-sized David Desharnais, who is making some noise in an attempt to stick with the big club. For Ottawa, Milan Michalek and the Foligno kid have 5 points in their last five.

Colder than Hawkeye and BJ's martinis: Seriously, when was the last time Gionta scored? And not to go back to early season lamentations, but don't look at Gomez's stat line over the past week (1 point in 5 games and a costly penalty in Buffalo). With Cammy suddenly not able to stay healthy, Bob Gainey's smurf spending spree of a few years back is again a concern. Alex Auld looked shell-shocked versus Calgary. The Sens are brutal right now and not even Saint Alfredsson can save them: he has one point in his last 4. The Ottawa defence is particularly culpable - Sergei Gonchar might be the worst free agent signing of the year, youngster Eric Karlsson has 2 points in 7, and Chris Phillips hasn't tallied a point in 27 games. Christ, you can almost get second assists by accident and a guy playing top four minutes hasn't scored a point in half a season?

Suicide is painless: We miss FiveforSmiting and wish SLC hadn't pulled the plug.

In war, all the humour is dark: Some sick bastard in NHL scheduling just had to put the Habs back-to-back versus the Yin and Yang of the early 2000's Habs, didn't he? Kovy and Koivu (sniff) on consecutive nights makes for an interesting comparison.

Post-game entertainment: It's Not-So-Sexy Friday night in Kanata. You might have more fun in a war-torn 1950's Korea, especially if the nurses looked like this:

Bring on the Boredom: Team Chocula vs Team Son of Chocula Game Preview and Open Thread

"The Senators ... just like watching C-Span, except more boring!"

Good lord, it's the Senators.  Well, let's get this shit over with.  The vanilla Sens and their fans are the yearly physical of the Habs schedule:  dull, predictable, possibility of being violated in a professional and boring manner.  Let's get this done and move on.

Paint Drying:  Tonight, at the Bell Centre at 7:30.  Habs winners of two straight, Sens are 3-6-1 in their last 10.  These teams have already played 3 times this year and still have (checks schedule) good God, three more meetings including tonight.

Grass Growing: Random Sens assembly-line winger Chris Kelly had a hat-trick last game.  Whoop-de-doo.  Quiet Swede Captain Daniel Alfredsson is still around.  With the annual "we hate Dany Heatley" game out of the way, Sens are not-so-boldly wandering in the wilderness of the bottom half of the Eastern standings.  Even their most intriguing celebrity couple is the nicely cute and quiet Mike and Carrie.  Jesus, even Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie send each other naughty texts.  

Christmas Party at the Accounting Firm: Habs are winning the Chocula way, with stifling defence, great goaltending, everyone doing their job and doing it the same way every time.  Chocula even found a way to remove the one skater who strayed off the plan when PK had one bad game.  Now he may never get back in because the Swiss Mister II is playing it safe.  Cripes.  Of course, like Sens fans in the Alfie/Heatley/Spezza heyday, winning makes you accept some dullness.  

C-Span on a continuous loop:  The most interesting thing about the Sens used to be our old friend Senators Los Cojones over at Five For Smiting; you could always count on SLC to rip someone or something to pieces like a rabid pitbull when wronged.  Sadly, SLC has called it quits so now everything associated with Ottawa is beige.  

Being Single and Listening to Your Married Friends Talk About Their Kids:  Well, if your kids were Mathieu Darche or Benoit Pouliot or Pleks or TFS, you'd be bragging too.  For the Sens, both goalies have been pretty good ... but instead of igniting a goalie controversy, it's made Sens fans almost crack a smile and say "I like that Leclaire and Elliott.  Good goalies."  Scintillating. 

Dishwater, dull as:  Repeat the same - Markov out for the season.  Sens don't even have the decency to have an injury. 

Out on a date with your Mom: Usually as boring and painful as you can imagine ... unless you're HF29, whose Mom is the coolest and will be at the game with him tonight!!!  Whoooooooo!!!

Habs Double Down This Weekend: Sabres and Senators Mega-Meal Preview

Since this double downer of boring Buffalo and the snore-inducing Sens JUST FRIGGING HAPPENED (hey, schedule makers: 29 other teams in the league ... wanna mix it up a little?) we're not dignifying this mess with two previews. It's time to double up with the Mega Meal Double Down preview.

Where you get your wings: On Friday, get them in Buffalo at the HSBC around 7:30. On Saturday, lets get them in Montreal at La Cages Aux Sports after the Habs BEAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK OUT OF SOMEONE FOR CHRISSAKES GOMEZ AND GIONTA WE WANT FREE WINGS!!!! Also, RDS, CBC, yadda yadda yadda.

Hot like the Spicy Big Crunch: Oft injured Sabre centre Tim Connolly has 5 points in his last six. Diving crybaby Derek Roy leads the Sabres with 13 points in the same amount of games. Saturday's Sens feature ageless Daniel Alfredsson (11 points in 8 games) and Carrie Underwood's hubby, lucky sumbitch Mike Fisher (4 points in last 4, buried the Leafs himself on Wednesday.) Jason Spezza had a goal and three assists versus the Isle on Thursday. Sens are a hot team in general, winners of 5 of 6.

When the Habs score one goal in 120 minutes versus freaking Florida and Columbus, nobody gets Spicy Big Crunch Hot status.

Cold like your fries after walking back to your office from the food court: Uh, Giant Mexicans? Yeah. Them. Powerplay? Yep. Is everyone else getting dragged into the cold right now? Kinda. Chocula is trying to put things on the warming tray by creating a Giant Mexican Tits line (oh, the possibilities for this blog!) and giving Pleks a Danish Squid (oh, the possibilities for this blog!) At the back, Markov and soon to be overrated since everyone talks about how underrated he is Josh Gorges team up, with PFK taking his show out with Hal Gill. Oh look, ice cold Czech Spacecakes are still on the menu!

For les Sabres, Thomas Vanek must get the Gomez "he hasn't scored in two games, he's wildly overpaid!" treatment a lot. He's got company in sophomore slumping giant Tyler Myers. Sabres are the anti-Sens, losers of four straight. Sens big free-agent acquisition Sergei Gonchar is at a point per game pace but he was minus 7 before Thursday's game. Memories of his wave at Travis Moen in last year's playoffs abound. Kovy is more bad Kovy than good Kovy right now.

Tumbled around, bruised and squished like your popcorn chicken after the drive-thru kid drops your order: Habs relatively unbroken right now. Sabres emo-kid/wunderkind goalie Ryan Miller doubtful with lower body injury, and pint-sized Nathan Gerbe broke his jaw when he ran into Myer's knee in the dressing room. Sens Filip Kuba has a broken leg and Milan Michalek might be out with a knee.

Read the menu for caloric meltdown statistics here: Senators Los Cojones remains the KFC Original Recipe of Sens bloggers: consistent no matter the season, a little dangerous to your health, loaded with cholesterol, possibly better sauced - er, with sauce. Die By the Blade is the KFC Wings of Buffalo's bloggers: kinda familiar (they are an SBNation site) but just different enough to make it spicy and interesting.

Post-game heartburn recovery: In Buffalo heartburn gets washed away with a sixer of Gennesee Light and another order of wings. In Montreal it gets washed away next morning as you scrub stripper glitter off yourself in the shower. Both methods have their merits.

Everyone's second favourite team vs Canadiens - Sens Preview and Open Thread

So tonight the Habs get a visit from the Auld Ene ... er, their age-old ... um, Ottawa and Montreal continue their city rivalry ... huh. Well, the Sens are in town. You know, those bastards that stole our beloved Kovy ... ah, fuck it. It's the Ottawa Senators. Three years ago when the Sens were steamrolling the entire Eastern Conference and owned the Habs like SLC owns the angry rant, we almost hated them. Now? They're down in the muck of 7th to 11th with the Canadiens, got screwed by that salt-of-the-earth Heatley kid, and have some bizarro injuries to contend with. Plus, they hate the Leafs. It's like the city of Montreal is looking into a cute, dull, less-French mirror!

Waiting in line while that overpaid, underworked, pencil-pushing short sleeved dress shirt wearing civil servant processes your T4130 details: 7:00 pm, at the Centre of Bell. Habs coming off the big win over Big D, Sens just shut out the Rangers (er, Marian Gaborik) to end a five game losing streak. On RDS and CBC for those with the right zip code (or satellite provider).

Hot like the underage girls dancing in the clubs across the river in Hull: Giant. Mexican. Chicken. El pollo loco goalo right now. Gomez looks like an entirely different player, Gionta is reminding everyone why he was the sexy pick for captain in October, and Pouliot is doing his damnedest to make Gui's hot start in Minny no big deal.

Peruse the names on the roster, and the Sens have all the makings of a very solid 1990's sqaud. Brodeur. Leclair. Foligno. Ruutu. Carkner. Kovalev. The only problem? It's 2010 and the Sens have the wrong Brodeur (Mike not Marty), Leclair(e) (Pascal not John), Foligno (Nick, son of Mike), Carkner (not Terry but Matt) & Ruutu (Tuomo not Christian), and the same old frustrating Kovalev. And of those guys, only Brodeur (Mike) is hot, with a shutout last game.

Cold like the quarts of 50 they used to serve at U of O's campus pub: Can we get Pleks out of here soon? Cammy sort of escapes after last game. The rest of the Habs are dragging their butts through their allotted ice time. For Ottawa Kovy followed a brilliant performance last week by going ice cold. Sound familiar? (Pop quiz time: Even given Cammilleri's prolonged slump and his aversion to scoring goals in the other 29 arenas in the league, who wants a do-over on Bob's summer free-agent switcheroo of Squid for Kovy? Fuck you, smartass. I know you aren't serious. Anyone else? Yep, that's what I thought.) Mike Fisher is leading the Sens in scoring but has dropped off the planet since getting engaged to Carrie Underwood. Yeah, I'd probably have trouble concentrating on work too if I was engaged to her.

Busted like the friendly girls soliciting folks in the Byward Market: Little Tits close but not ready. Mara might still be limping. Sens missing Alfredsson, Spezza, Michalek, a host of others. I think Laurie Boschman got dragged out of retirement to centre the second line tonight.

Our friendly, Leaf baiting, civil servicing ray of sunshine: We love SLC over at FiveForSmiting. He's like the angry old man who lived on your street as a kid, only he's flying a Sens flag from his porch and will probably shoot you full of buckshot and vitriol rather than order you off his lawn. Plus, he's funny as fuck for a Carleton grad.

Post-game adult entertainment: There's probably football on still. Watch that for the homoerotic undertones, you degenerates.

Everyone Hates Kerry Fraser and Everyone Is Right: Sens 3, Habs 2

Look! GG11 is back, and the FHF has a new nickname for the Habs' new second line of Brian Gionta, Scott Gomez and Benoit Pouliot.

Not living in Montreal anymore, I'm not sure if the city was awakened by torch-bearing mobs bearing pitchforks and burning effigies of Kerry Fraser and Bil McCreary. It seems like everyone - even Ottawa fans - have reason to fucking hate the crappy reffing display last night. (Although check out LDude's insightful commetns in this mornign's TMS in defence of Chris Neil's disallowed goal. Good points, but that call could be made on half the goals scored these days. And this is an admission from a goalie. Lap Dance to LDude anyway, just for quoting from the NHL rule book. Lawyers love that stuff.)

Of course, as Senators Lost Cajones admits, Ottawa still needed their goalie to steal a win. Sound familiar? Well it should - so no bitching about the outcome here. Every W has been unearned on this road trip, and the Habs have 8 of 10 points to show for it.

Mostly I'm in a forgiving mood - not just because my house is finally family free, but also because the return of the Little Giant has had at least two positive effects. First, it gives the Canadiens a legitimate second line and some much needed secondary scoring. Second, it give us an excuse to come up with yet another bizarre line nickname that you,too, can use to condescend to non-FHF reading Habs fans: the Giant Mexican Chicken Line.

Looking forward to your car-industry jokes in the comments. (Think acronyms.)

Can Halak Steal 5 in a Row? Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

GG11 is still on vacation so we tought we'd give her a break. However, we're too busy watching Canada-Switzerland at the WJC to google image something interesting, so lame excuse to post hot chick/Mike Fisher's main squeeze, Carrie Underwood it is!

Boxing week shopping has evaporated any brains cells the last week's alcohol consumption left behind, so can't think of any interesting theme - here's some smart ass hockey "analysis" (allegedly) instead:

Details: Puck drop at the "insert name of financial giant"Place in Ottawa tonight for game 5 of 7 on this holiday road trip for les Habitants.

Hot: Jaro owns this paragraph. In fact, the NHL named Jaro The Younger first star of the week. Why? Um, he was pretty good last week - outright stealing at least 6 points (maybe 8) for the Habs. If the Canadiens do sneak into the playoffs, keep that in mind. Oh, and Jaro asked us to pass on a message to his teammates:

Jaro seez: play some fucking defence tonight.

Someone had to score, though: SuperPleks is still on a tear, plus Gomez has a goal and three assists in the last 2. We're still going to remind you of how great it is to have Markov back.

For Ottawa, it's probably not a good sign that Anton Volchenkov is their hottest player with 2 points in 2 games. Kovy probably has dual motivation this week: not only playing Montreal, but an Olympic snub, too. Mike Fisher is having a monster season, and can take solace in the fact that if he doesn't need a ticket to Vancouver in February he can spend the week banging his uber-hot future wife on a beach somewhere.

Not: Mad Max and Dagger seem intent on punching their tickets out of town, but after the second and third periods against the Leafs, they're not alone in this category. Milan Michalec has no points in 3 games and Pascal Leclaire has given up 4-and-a-half goals a game in the pair of games since his return from a broken cheekbone. As with Benoit Brunet back in the day, history says it's just a matter of time until he's back on the IR after he trips and falls through a glass coffee table, or gets his hand stuck in a snowblower, or his dog bites him or something equally bizarre.

Lineup notes: it's officially a game time decision, but looks like Little Giant and his huge heart is back tonight - and we just heard Gomer splooge again, all the way from Calgary. If he's back, Saggy Tits probably can pick himself up a bag of popcorn cause he'll be in the press box - if not in his agent's office demanding a trade again. Snore. Hamr might go too, meaning The Urologist may take Dagger's place in the lineup. If they both go, only Mara is left in Dr. Mulder's waiting room. Well, until Squid breaks his leg or something equally bizarre fucks over the Habs' playoff chances again.

Ottawa is hurting right now, with Alfie and Spezza on the sideline. Didn't they make up 2/3 of a great line just last season? What ever happened to the left winger on that line? Someone should look into that story. Far too little media coverage about that.

As usual, go checkout SLC: there are probably other Senators blogs, but we don't care.

Post-game entertainment: The NuDen (NSFW, duh) had Nikki Benz on stage back in November. Sorry we missed that. We'll definitely pay more attention to the schedule from now on.

Comments go here:

Sens 3, I Want to Sign Up For Eye Amputation

A massive elephant just took out its massive elephant dick and rained Niagara on the Habs parade. No matter who Montreal beats, no matter how high they are perched atop the standings, the Senators just take out their guns and shoot Montreal in the center of its anus. The team walks away with a noticeable limp, having shot itself in the foot moments before.

These Ottawa - Not So Fast, Montreal - Senators are a handful and the Habs are learning that they just don’t match up well with them. As we’ve said before, we now know how the Bruins feel when playing the Canadiens. Hampered by complexes, hesitant, unsure, insecure. Playing the Senators feels like puberty. So while the Habs were busy popping their zits, the Sens squeezed the life out of the team by applying a thorough chokehold at the first drop of the puck. Probably the most stifling game they have been dealt all year.

It was one of those wins that sees you off to bed with a chip on your shoulder, and prompts your better half to ask why you take these things so seriously. It’s one of those games that drops your team from second place to the lower half of the conference playoff seedings. A game that had the opponent skating 60 minutes of flawless hockey, where you realize that you’re just not there yet and that there’s THAT much separating you from this other team.

So how can we illustrate the gap between the Habs and the Sens on this night? Think of this:

· The above-mentioned elephant’s penis, erect
· A 100 person cheerleader pyramid with Manute Bol at the top
· Rita McNeil
· Space between Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale at the dining room table in the first Batman
· Whatever has doubled as Paris Hilton’s cerebral cortex
· The space between Gwyneth Paltrow’s nipples
· The ideological differences between avid Manitoba Polka AM Radio listeners and Al-Qaeda

Good on Martin Gerber for keeping Ray Emery in the House of Dog. You can bet that after having bolted after 30 minutes during the game day practice, management will be pushing for expansion to Karachi to ship his ass off to a life of misery.

You have to admire Ottawa for demonstrating what perfection looks like on a sheet of ice. Jason Spezza did his best Billy Crystal impersonation with a perfect swing of the bat on a border line high stick swat on goal. Terrible outlet passes, dispassionate play, this was the type of poor execution only a death row inmate in Texas would dream of.

The Sens gave the Habs nothing. As much air as Borat had in that “uncomfortable scene” in the movie. Despite having accustomed the fans to miraculous comebacks this year, on this night even the early 1 goal lead seemed insurmountable. Full marks for Alex Kovalev on being the only Hab who tried. His lonely wheels kept turning all night.

There are 2 more of these statement games against the Sens and the Habs better find a way to beat a full Ottawa lineup or connect to a direct line to God to avoid facing these guys and a majestic stomping in the form of a four act play in the later rounds of the playoffs.Don’t hold your breath for a reversal of fortune, with the type of suffocation imposed by the Sens, air will be scarce. Ottawa turned the Habs’ breath into a waning wheeze; they sounded like Darth Vader, with an asthma attack.

Sens: "Well What the Hell Were We Supposed to Do?" Senators 4, Habs 2

If the Robinson family had been served an injustice in the way of time spent waiting for the long anticipated arrival of this day, all seemed forgiven at centre ice last night. And if Habs fans were afforded the luxury of reminiscing during the festivities, the Ottawa Senators made a quick point that that was then and that this was now.

As the banner bearing Robinson’s name and number took flight, you had to wonder if it gave an on-looking Jason Spezza a glimpse of what following a certain other number 19's climb to the rafters would feel like. In any case, he played as if those plans were on his mind.

In a perfectly fitting tribute that gave every Canadien the motivation and pretext to play inspired hockey for the one who helped build the mystique that surrounds this team, we were reminded that no NHLer could be unaffected by a moment of this magnitude. And so if all things remained equal and the ceremonies also heightened Ottawa’s passion for the game, the Habs were riding on wishful thinking if they hoped to punctuate this evening with a fitting conclusion.

No chance.

Although the Canadiens threw their insides at Ottawa early on, Martin Gerber turned everything aside. The Habs’ shooting gallery played the same trigger-happy game that saw them direct 52 shots at Boston’s Tim Thomas on Saturday. By the first period’s 13th minute, the Habs already had 14 shots; that made it 66 shots in their last 73 minutes of play. This time around, Montreal had nothing to show for it.

The Senators’ forwards responded in kind by giving the Habs’ defense corps fits in their own zone. They found ways to thread short passes through narrow corridors around Cristobal Huet’s crease. They found holes through the Montreal blueliners, and if the openings weren’t immediately there, they created them with incredible speed.

Talent won this game. Sure, inspiration can whip players into responsive, even eruptive states. But by nature, motivation fades and unyielding effort will come to the surface to claim the last word. By the time the Sens had made it 2-0 in the first, all residual effects of the Robinson ceremony had dried up. And Montreal was destined to play catch-up against the best team in the league.

You would expect that a perfect scenario paint a Montreal victory in extended logic of a memorable evening. These brittle hopes don’t work if the Senators are introduced into the story. Start the plotline anyway you want, but enter the Senators and it seems of late to only end one way: Sens win.

Sens win.

The Landscape of Loss: Sens 3 - Habs 1

For 54 minutes yesterday, the Montreal Canadiens reduced the Evil Empire that is the Ottawa Senators to an obedient colony. Then came the uprising.

The Putsch toppled a Canadiens grip that seemed to have taken too much out Les Glorieux by game's end. The strike came in the appearance of 3 goals in 6 minutes by a team unfazed by Montreal's determination to add a third defeat to the Sens' loss column. In this game of do or do not, there is no try, almost amounts to nothing. And so Montreal carried only pride aboard the bus down the eastern stretch of the Trans-Canada. They made it hard for Ottawa, an effort worthy of almost-satisfaction, but again almost doesn't pad the stats.

If the Habs didn't collect their harvest on this day, they may have planted a seed. A seed of doubt in the minds of the Senators who saw a team deliver the full package to Kanata.

As the Canadiens were coming out with the passion that transforms regular season play into playoff intensity, Cristobal Huet was slowly writing the storyline that was meant to see the Habs upset the Senators. As the simmering emotions enveloping this game rose to a furious boil, Huet was at the top of his craft foiling Ottawa's onslaught with unbelievable stops from all sides of the crease. After a beautiful save on a Daniel Alfredsson penalty shot, the game pried a jubilant fist pump out of a usually bland and unresponsive Huet who proved incapable of containing the excitement that had taken over this game.

Because don't fool yourselves, this was the best game of the season. Evenly matched teams led by sublime goaltending, solid defence, relentless forechecking, swift skating and a will to win.

The Canadiens showed that their record this season is one of merit. After yesterday's game they deserved more.

Let it be known, however, that despite what was beginning to look like another shutout performance for Huet, that is until Alfredsson's tally opened the gates, the Senators probably had every spectator in the building, in the country believing in what eventually happened: they could find a way to beat Montreal. In containing the natural talent to be found everywhere on a team performing at an improbable record setting cadence, the Canadiens' pace slowed to a point of physical and mental fatigue. Cue a tiring and predictive defensive shell that Ottawa soon found ways around. Followed by the Alfredsson marker that pinned the Habs on the ropes. Then came the Neil knockdown that caused irreparable damage to Montreal's fleeting hopes. The empty netter, an unnecessary reminder of what was amply evident, Ottawa will decide when and how a game ends no matter how close they are pushed to the edge.

Montreal pushed them close, but in doing so they also followed the Senators to the brink. And by that time, in the bat of an eyelash, Ottawa catapuled around Montreal and simply needed what seemed like a flick of a finger to send the Canadiens to their fatal fall.

Sens win. Get used to it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We have received confirmation that God Will be Taking Time Out From His Busy Schedule to Guest Star on Today's Open Thread

We like to exhibit some flesh for our open thread, but the challenge upon us today requires divine intervention.

Things you should know while waiting in line at the gates of St-Peter's - Very special 3:00 PM start, Parliament Hill (the NHL has ruled that the game will be played in the upper chamber), Ottawa, Ontario. On TV: RDS and RDS-HD in French, CBC and CBC-HD in English. Montreal English radio CJAD, Montreal French radio CKAC. Habs lost the game on a failed Greek Lightning clearing attempt late in the third in the only meeting between these 2 teams this year. The Habs are climbing atop most power ranking lists around the Internet, while the Sens rest comfortably at the top, amusingly looking down on the common folk doing battle to be anointed the Best of the Rest.

Confess your sins to - Five for Smiting. If FHF were an actual person, FFS would be its BFF. We'd like have slumber parties, and go out for coffee and talk about our dates, and like totally be there for one another.

The gates of heaven are rapidly closing - Guy is still nursing a sore hip/back/slow start/allergic to soy beans/won't play the senators because he believes the senate should be abolished and will back PM Stephen Harper's platform to call a national referendum on the matter, and only after the citizens of this country will have spoken will he play versus Ottawa again, injury. In Ottawa, God seems to be paying attention to the faint cries coming out of Montreal because he has not fixed Jason Spezza's groin yet. Thanks for the solid, Big G.

Welcome to the Garden of Eden - Cristobal Huet is being fitted for wings and a flowing white robe after the show he stole in Montreal against the Sabres. Tomas Plekanec was a force in Boston as he and Kostitsyn combined for a carbon copy of the goal scored against Buffalo on Monday.

Sens Worthy of Canonization - They are 13-2: every name on the roster. Go ahead and stitch a "St-" on every single jersey. Imagine, if Kostitsyn were canonized, he would be St-Tits! (read that last sentence in French for the desired effect).

The fires of hell are engulfing - Overheard over the intercom in heaven: Michael Ryder, will Mr. Michael Ryder please report to hell. Michael Ryder report to hell, thank you.

Love thy neighbor, but not these guys - I really shouldn't defame any of the newly canonized Senators, that would be blasphemous.

Last ever post-game adult entertainment establishment you will ever visit if the Habs win as a trade-off for a win - If we beat the Sens and I catch one of you celebrating at a strip club after having prayed to the Lord for his mercy...don't even get me started. Just head over to The First Baptist Church, get you on your knees (yes you too, Jews and Muslims, this is an ecumenical thank you) and give praise to The Man en haut and whichever Hab ghost who took the time to lobby on our behalf.

Watching the game? At the game?

Listening? Imagining the game in your head? Let's hear your dirty, er, holy, holy thoughts in the comments.

Come To The Dark Side. We Have Cookies!

Hi. I’m Senators Lost Cojones. Some of you may remember me from such writings as “Héroux: Greatest Hab Of All Time?” and “Bettman vs. Canada: The Sodomite Years”. I have a confession to make. I grew up a Montreal Canadiens fan. That’s right. In my tender years growing up in Cornwall, Ontario (official motto: Come For The Smell, Stay For The EI Cheque!), I bled bleu, blanc et rouge. My family’s Easter dinners were scheduled around Montreal’s playoff games. One of my uncles refused to speak to me for years, after I posited that Les Glorieux’s draft record may not have been so hot. Claude Lemieux’s OT goal in Game 7 of the 1986 Adams Division final against Hartford reigned, until my discovery of the female breast, as the single greatest moment of my life. Then, in October of 1990, coinciding with my attendance at Carleton University (Hog’s Back High – Where the K stands for Kwality!) the NHL gave Ottawa its soul back. For the first time since 1932, Ottawa would have a big-league hockey team. My worlds collided, and I had a choice to make. The seminal moment came on October 8th, 1992. You may remember it. Ottawa 5, Montreal 3 (some things never change). And as I watched a rag-tag group of cast-offs, has-beens and never-will-bees vanquish my boyhood heroes I discovered that I had become a fan. And you can too.

That’s why I’m here. I’m here to show you there is a better way. No longer should you feel obligated by “tradition” or “it’s what my syphilis ridden grandfather would have wanted”. I’m here to say, it’s okay. Come to us. We will welcome you. I’m throwing on my #13 Jamie Baker jersey, pulling up my Laurie Boschman underoos and presenting you with The Top Ten Reasons You Should Abandon Mediocrity And Become A Sens Fan!

#10: Our mascot won’t molest your children. Habfan 29 made much ado about the apparent weakness of Spartacat. But think about it. Which would you trust more with the entertainment of your precious progeny? A cute fuzzy lion dressed up as a hockey player, or a washed up, derelict muppet with a lazy eye on his second job who refuses to wear pants?? Exactly.

#9: Welcome to the New England Patriots of the NHL. Heatley, Fisher, Alfredsson, Volchenkov, and soon to be Spezza, all signed through the 2011 season. That, boys and girls is the making of a dynasty not seen since…well…since 1976. And of course, due to Commissar Bettman’s shrewd leadership, the salary cap can only go up, allowing our Senators to plug in the supporting cast as needed. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. I fully expect to see John Paddock patrolling the Sens’ bench in a sleeveless hoodie by March.

#8: Hockey in May! For those of you previously unaware of the fact, there is hockey being played after the regular season ends. It’s called “the playoffs”. Ottawa has played on or near Victoria Day (that’s Day Of Imperial Oppression for you separatists) every year for the last ten. Come to our side and enjoy the ride!

#7: We don’t worry about dancing leading to touching. There’s a reason Ottawa is known as the “Town that fun forgot”. While Canadiens players are distracted by the cosmopolitan nature of Montreal, the easy commute to your downtown rink, not to mention the most beautiful “danceuses exotiques” in the western hemisphere, if not the world, Senators players have no such problems. Our boys make the hour and half hour (at rush hour…no cushy “Metro” for us) trek to our suburban rink in blissful ignorance of such frivolity. The game is the thing. In fact, I hear Mike Fisher wears a hairshirt and self-flagellates on the way to games. Such dedication, whether by choice or by the fact that there really isn’t anything else to do, only leads to more wins and less “misquotes” to the press. Are you listening Mr. Kovalev?

#6: Our Canadian billionaire owner is better than your American billionaire owner. Eugene Melnyk is a man possessed. He wants that Big Ugly Trophy so badly, he doesn’t care who or what he crushes on the way to getting it. George? Well I’m sure he checks the standings between attempts to cram another blade in our shavers.

#5: We didn’t draft Darcy Tucker. ‘Nuff said.

#4: Rediscover winning! Twenty four Stanley Cups has a way of making a fan base rather blasé. We’re on a 77 year drought. Last year’s Finals only made our hunger and fanaticism that much stronger. I can guarantee you will never hear Ottawa’s mayor issue a directive that the parade “will follow the usual route”. Mostly because he’s an idiot who’s too busy trying to figure out which way to hold his pen. But my point still stands. Come to us, and remember how sweet your first was. Admit it. Nothing else ever feels the same.

#3: We have the most expensive headcases ever. 7 million dollars tied up in two of the weirdest goalies in the League. Gerber Baby signed to be The Guy last season then folded like a cheap suit seven games in after realizing that his new city took hockey rather more seriously than his previous acquaintances made up of NASCAR loving rednecks. Rayzor took over and led us to the Final. On the way, he caused one traffic accident, decided that Mike Tyson was an appropriate role model, ate a cockroach on a bet, and dyed his hair blonde. In training camp he threatened the life of a fellow motorist ( then again, I would have done the same). Christobal Huet? I think he may have once run with scissors. When he was six.

#2:




And the number one reason why you should all become Senators fans: You can survey the rest of the sad-sack, craptacular Eastern Conference and with confidence, point and scream: WHO’S YOUR DADDY??

Fear of a Beige Planet

So we have this little wager with Five For Smiting. We're supposed to unload all of our snark on the Sens this week. And we tried, we really did. We declared "Sens Hate Week" on the FHF campus, held a big bonfire, had Youppi hang Spartacat in effigy in front of FHF headquarters. Nothing. We looked for dirt on Spezza and Alfredsson and Redden to no avail. We thought long and hard about things we hate about Kanata, but none of us have actually been anywhere in Kanata other than the Palladium - er, Corel Centre - er, ScotiaBank Place. We tried to work ourselves into a frenzy over losing to Neil Freakin' Brady and the expansion Sens in their first ever game ... but we actually won the Cup that year so we really don't care. We had a good laugh over Alexander Daigle and his nurse's uniform, Alexei Yashin's holdouts, Ray Emery's driving record, Mel Bridgeman's pornostache and the Benny Hill-esque goaltending of Steve Weekes and Peter Sidorkiewicz, but ... nothing.

You see, we like the Senators ... the team referred to as "the tiny, perfect franchise" by NHL brass during the expansion process. The Sens and their fans are such cute little darlings ... from the "Dah dah dah-dah dah! Let's Go Senators!" theme song, to their pleasantly plump anthem singer Constable Slewidge, to their milquetoast manager, coach, captain and fanbase. They're everyone in Ontario and Quebec's second favourite team.

Sens fans travel well; they pour into Montreal and speak their civil servant French, go to Nickels or Baton Rouge, probably tip decently, and politely cheer their team. Bruins fans are boors and Leaf fans are morons, but Sens fans don't raise too much trouble in Montreal because the majority of them still have a "Roy 33" Habs jersey in the closet at home. Oh, the Sens fans boo and hiss the Leafs, and they make themselves loud, but Scotiabank is quite a civil place to watch a game, nowhere near the looneybin the Bell Centre can become.

You see, the Sens suffer from the malaise all expansion teams suffer from. They're building a franchise; that means new history, new heroes, new rivalries. The problem is that every single Ottawa fan over the age of 15 already had a favourite NHL team when the Sens came along. More often than not, that team would have been the Canadiens (give it up, Leaf fans ... it's a geography thing.)

Now don't get me wrong, the Sens have built quite a little rivalry with Toronto over the past few seasons, at times as bitter and nasty as any in the league. Part of that is attributable to constant playoff meetings, some of it a result of the NHL schedule makers (home and home to start the season again? Really?), some is the natural "Canada's Capital" vs "Ontario's Capital" rivalry played out on ice, maybe some is even due to the fact that so many Sens fans grew up cheering on the Habs and love one more reason to boo Toronto. Somehow, though, Montreal/Ottawa never took off. Maybe the demise of the RoughRiders/Renegades/Fighting Gleibermans took some of the sting out of the Montreal/Ottawa rivalry. Maybe it was when they closed the Dunn's in the Byward Market to put in that Nickels. Maybe the Sens and Ottawa are just too lovable, too cute, too vanilla to be angry with. To wit:

The arena is in Kanata, Ottawa's duller, quieter suburb. It's a nice rink, good sightlines, decent size, average amenities. It's a nice pinkish hue on the outside. The fans are loyal, knowledgeable, not too rowdy. The team is lead by a stoic Swedish guy, a pair of polite Western-born defencemen, and a couple of offensive whizzes from Southern Ontario. They have some sort of assembly line producing good natured, swift-skating 18 to 25 goal scorers named Fisher/Kelly/Schaefer/Eaves They all ride bikes while they give post-game interviews. Their goalie wears flashy suits and has trouble with basic traffic laws, and their "enforcer" is a gap-toothed little imp with strawberry blond hair. He looks like he should be carrying a slingshot in the back pocket of his overalls, not throwing bombs with Derek Boogaard.

The Sens are talented, draft well, make smart personnel decisions and win games. They contend. They play hard and fair. In short, they're BORING. Can I hate the Sens for being an efficient, don't-rock-the-boat model for how to do things right? I might as well hate beige, or the Swiss, or the production line of a Toyota plant. I'll start hating seeing-eye dogs, or automated banking, maybe Girl Guide cookies.

Maybe I'll save my anger for the Bruins. And the Leafs. And the Panthers, apparently. I can't seem to develop any rage against the beige. Sorry Sens. It's not your fault.

The Only Thing We Agree On is Leafs Suck

So we had a very special email in our inbox this week, courtesy of Senators Lost Cojones of Five for Smiting:

Gentlemen,

I would like to propose the following on our upcoming *cough* tussle at the Bank next week. A small wager, as it were. Should the Habs somehow prove the better team in our house, FHF will be invited to write as gloating, irreverent, insulting (and with luck, stripperific) a post as the four of you can muster to be put up on my site, unedited. And of course, I would ask the same in return. And between now and then, a little interweb smack talk can surely be arranged.

So what say you boys? I have thrown down the gauntlet. It just happens to look like Pleks' bloody Cooper.

The reaction was swift. As HF10 put it:

I'm all for it. When do we play those little darlings with the cutesy trumpet fanfares and the goofy anthem singing cop?

Did anyone see them trot out their legendary first captain LAURIE BOSCHMAN for the ceremonial faceoff at the home opener? I almost fell off my couch.

So the gauntlet, er, keyboard, has been thrown down. There is much juiciness to taunt with (Daigle, Kanata, bankruptcy, a couple dozen Stanley Cups for starters), but we figured we'd start with something truly inane yet would still bring glorious victory to Nos Glorieux - mascots.

We've got Youppi!, the only multi-sport professional mascot ever. Like a fuzzy orange Bo Jackson. They've got Spartacat, an anthropomorphized lion with no apparent skills. Look at the photos above. Youppi! is brimming with confidence, giving the thumbs up, totally comfortable enough to be flashing his fuzzy orange genitalia. Spartacat, on the other hand, looks timid, afraid of failure, like he might collapse at any moment. You know, like the Sens in every playoffs.

See you on the 18th, SLC.