I know how much you all enjoyed last week's sacrilege, so here we go again! Look, it's not my fault I'm slated to write up these tough Tuesday night games and TFS goes out and plays with poise to a shutout. You take what's given.
Before we sully this post with tales of Philadelphia goonery, let us recall the simpler times of George Hainsworth. Now there was a goalie! They always talk about statistics and sports records that will never be broken, but that 1928-29 season was something to behold. He played every minute of every game. Suck on that, fat Marty. Out of his 44 starts, 22 of those were shutouts. Fifty fucking percent! Suck on that, Jaro. You know how many games the Habs won that year? 22. Talk about a lack of goal support. They say his glove hand was magic. Take a look at the trapper he had to use. That's right, he didn't even fucking have one! How badass is that? This guy rules. You know who has the Habs' record for most career shutouts? GH. Lowest career GAA? GH. Lowest season GAA? GH. Lowest career playoff GAA? GH. God I miss Robert L.
What was my point again? Oh yeah, I'm a rambling old man and Carey Price is a great fucking goalie.
Since GH was all about the numbers, let's use some digits to recap last night's action:
41 - shots faced and turned away by TFS. Didn't seem like quite that many, and there weren't a lot of quality chances I thought, but maybe it's because he's just making shit look routine now. He almost looked bored on a night of 40 shots. Or maybe it's the poise.
20 - shots faced and turned away by TFS in the 2nd period. Definitely felt like that many. And some quality ones too.
1 - number of head boo-boos to Jeff Halpern after a semi-head shot with a semi-elbow from semi-behind (I'm being kind on all 3). Into the boards. While defenseless.
3 - points for Gio last night, and number of straight games in which he's scored. Remember when we said once Gio and Gomez get going, we might really have something? Well once Gomez gets going, we might really have something.
15.7 - % success rate of the Habs PP today after 2 more PP goals last night. Up to 19th in the league! Andrei who?
6 - epic PKs by the Habs (out of 6), including some 5 on 3 time. Habs now 89.3%, first in the league.
13,495 - number of penalty minutes given out in the 3rd period. Estimate only.
432,579 - number of Philly cheap shots not called by the refs. Estimate only.
1,378,365 - number of attempts on PFK's life this season. Estimate only.
45 - jersey number of goon Jody Shelley, sent out by Peter Laviolette on the power play with 2 minutes to go in the game in order to goonishly goon. Plus ça change...
0 - number of punches thrown by Mad Max in his first fight since taking boxing lessons this summer. But his form looked good! And he stuck up for his teammates and went after the guy (Powe) who killed Halpern, so I guess that's something.
10 - number of games since the Goons had lost in regulation going into last night. Suck it, Goons.
10 - douche level on a 1 to 10 douche scale of Chris Pronger and his petulant "let's steal the opposing goalie's shutout puck" business. Phucking Pronger.
3 - more games this season against the Flyers, including next Monday in Philly. Phuck those phuckers. All of you people who argued in the comments yesterday for the Goons as which team we hate most now have Exhibit A.
5:55 - running time of these long-form video highlights after a win.
"Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, poise counts!
It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent!
POISE!"
- Coach Cosmo Kramer
At first glance TFS and my numbersake would appear to have nothing in common. Ken went to law school in the off-season, Carey goes to the rodeo. Carey has been known to get emotional (when he's not totally chill), while Ken was as stoic as me the day after a meth binge. But Carey is developing the one quality I always felt made Ken great. It's self-confidence, it's calmness in the face of adversity, it's composure, it's POISE. And POISE COUNTS! I'm not sure if Carey has the swimsuit and evening wear portions down, but he always had the talent. Now he has developed the poise. He's halfway to Miss America as long as his doves aren't murdered. Let's recap his performance against the Stanley Cup-contending 'Nucks:
Canucks get a 3 on 1 while the Habs have a 4 minute PP. Let that shot hit him in the CHest. POISE!
A Sedin breaks in all alone. A blocker stop he makes to look routine. POISE!
Habs defense falls apart in the last couple of minutes, Carey makes one save after another to preserve his shutout. POISE!
Carey has the puck on his stick and an open net 200 feet away. Sure, he'll calmly shoot the puck to try to score. POISE!
Carey receives the Molson Cup for October and the cameras zoom in on his barely-hit-puberty Movember 'stache. He doesn't even blink. POISE!
Let's face it, a goaltender with poise is an outstanding asset. He calms the fans, he calms the players in front of him, he calms the management team that traded away the playoff hero. And last night, the poise even rubbed off on some others:
Vodkov. Played easily his best game since his return. Forget his goal (though it was nice to see), it was his old calming influence on the ice that seemed to return. You know, poise? It's like, don't worry about it, I'll get that pass to you. Don't worry about it, I'll calmly clear the puck or take care of it in my own zone. Don't worry about it, I'm returning to form. Let's hope.
The CzeCH Connection. There has been much complaining about Hamr and SpatCHes so far this year around these parts. All of it deserved. But last night they returned to the solid pair they were a lot of last year. JM matched them up with the Sedins at every chance, and the duo helped to hold them to zero shots through the first two periods. And I could have sworn Hamr scored a goal on the PP, but that must have been a hallucination.
The CoaCH. Of course you could never tell from outward appearances if JM was poised or having a coronary, but he (or Muller, or Pearn) coached the hell out of that game. Great matchups, solid game plan. It wasn't firewagon hockey, but hey, it's a W. And even a strategic timeout!
The centers in the faceoff circle. I don't care to do things like "research" or "easily click over to a game summary to see the stats" but I swear we must have won 65-70% of the draws. And it seemed to be all of the centers. You know what you need in the faceoff circle? POISE!
The PK. That was the leading PP in the league? If you say so. Habs' poise in the face of 4 opportunities for the Nucks was off the poise charts.
Chris Lee. He was almost competent. A huge step up.
Of course, it wasn't all poise and puppies for the Habs last night. Despite the goal, we continue to have PP issues. That 4 minute one was beyond embarrassing. We continue to have zero offense, whether on the PP or otherwise. I could nitpick about a couple of other things too, but I have too much blogger poise to put a damper on this one.
So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.
Hello. As you all know, I'm Tom Cruise and you're not. Although Tom Cruise has only seen an ice hockey match on the television, as an achiever of 19th level Dynamics and a Hollywood actor, Tom Cruise has great & true insight into what ails your sagging ice hockey franchise. I understand the fans of your ice hockey organization are growing impatient since it's last victorious ice hockey season. You believe your ice hockey team has been waiting a long time? TRY HAVING YOUR SOUL COOPED UP UNDERNEATH A VOLCANO FOR A TRILLION YEARS. Have your ice hockey team's managers made mistakes? As I said as Mr. Maverick in the blockbuster Top Gun: "This is what I call a target rich environment." Mr. Maverick, I MEAN TOM CRUISE, has your answers.
The enlightened gentlemen of the FHF (the Operating Thetan is strong in them) have asked Tom Cruise to explain what went wrong with your ice hockey organization's off season goalkeeping choices and pre-season roster selections. Why Tom Cruise? Young men who choose to become goaltenders have obviously been fed prescription medications from a young age.And when it comes to prospects, well, believe Tom Cruise when he tells you - not Tom Cruise - that Tom Cruise knows about the importance of developing younger talent: each of Tom Cruise's partners has been 11 years younger than the last. Also, the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life will lead to a deeper understanding of how to establish a relationship with the Supreme Being, the Lord Stanley and his Cup.
1. Goalkeeping Choices
Your ice hockey team OUGHT TO HAVE TRADED MR. PRICE INSTEAD OF MR. HALAK. Your ice hockey club should have attempted to sign Mr. Halak. As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Jerry Maguire in the modern Hollywood classic of the same name: "Show ME the MONEY!!!!" Tom Cruise knows that acquiesing to Mr. Halak's contract demands would have precluded the signing of a certain Mr. Plekanec. As you know, Tom Cruise has a HUGE fan following on Twitter. Despite the 'twits' of his agent, with patience and perseverance and without the use of prescription medication, your ice hockey team would have signed Mr. Halak for EXACTLY the same price as Mr. Price - AT THAT PRICE, THE PRICE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT - UNLIKE THE PRICE NOW BEING PAID TO MR. PRICE, WHICH PRICE IS WRONG!!!
As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Frank T.J. Mackey in the smash feature film Magnolia: "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" Your ice hockey team should have taken Mr. Halak as their starting goalkeeper - no matter the past accomplishments and potential of Mr. Price. What accomplishments? They are extremely limited to championships at every other level - but NOT THE NHL, except for winning that playoff series oh so long ago, a couple of years past. And what potential? Just because every other goalie picked in the top 5 of the NHL entry draft who managed to stay healthy has become a star DOESN'T MEAN MR. PRICE WILL. More importantly, Mr. Price is already a whopping - WHOPPING! - 23 years old, making him only 9 (not 11) years younger than Tom Cruise's captive partner, Ms. Katie Holmes, SO HE CAN'T GET ANY BETTER.
Even worse, your ice hockey team acquired a Dane in the transaction. As Tom Cruise is constantly trying to indoctrinate explain to Ms. Holmes and her young child, DO NOT TRUST A DANE. All of Tom Cruise's Hollywood contracts require that not a single person working with Tom Cruise can be Danish or of Danish ancestry, from fellow actors to non-key grips. That dirty Dane - Tom Cruisie cannot even write the name - may look like he has soft hands, an absolutely incredible skating stride and size lacking down the middle not seen on your ice hockey club for years, but don't be fooled: he's still a dirty Dane and doomed to disaster and ruin. Unike Tom Cruise's recent film work.
It also stands to reason that despite Mr. Halak's playoff run, your ice hockey team would have acquired much more value in a trade for Mr. Price. In fact, it is so reasonable that TOM CRUISE DOES NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN IT.
Also, how could any professional sports team sign an admittedly bald man? Especially when this mane was available.
C. Roster Selections
Tom Cruise believes on a deep spiritual level, and as a result it is true, that your ice hockey club's management has made several outright and egregious errors - EGREGIOUS ERRORS! - it it's selection of players to be demoted. It appears that positions are dependant on previous exploits and contract status rather than actual skill. Not that I have any experience with such things, but that doesn't stop Tom Cruise from being absolutely infallible.
Second, how could your ice hockey team keep [White/Patches/Maxwell] rather than [White/Patches/Maxwell]? It is obvious to anyone who has watched a preseason ice hockey match involving [White/Patches/Maxwell] that he was much better prepared to contribute to your ice hockey club's season than [White/Patches/Maxwell] and that one decision will be the difference between a 14th place finish and a 2nd place finish.
Fifthly, how could a player as reputably talented as Mr. Ovechkin not even earn a pre-season match? I am of course, referring to the famously great Mr. Avtsin, who was HUGE in Moscow - scoring 3 key goals in a notoriously stingy Russian league - not be pampered and handed a roster spot? IT'S WHAT GOOD MANGERS DO WITH TOM CRUISE.
In the third place, just the addition of a Mr. David Fischer to the roster, being the son of Mr. Red, would have instantly catapulted YOUR ice hockey team back into the top of the tables, through sheer spirit and emotional connection to the glory years of yore. EMOTIONAL YORE, TOM CRUISE SAYS, IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS! Emotional yore is what made the Top Gun volleyball scene great. That and Tom Cruise's 3-sock-enhanced package.
Tom Cruise will leave all you ice hockey fans of this great ice hockey team with on final piece of advice, and as I said as Mr. Vincent in the all-time classic, Collateral: "Get with it. Millions of galaxies of hundreds of millions of stars, in a speck on one in a blink. That's us, lost in space. The cop, you, me... Who notices?"
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE TOM CRUISE HAS SAID AND BELIEVES, THIS QUOTE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE IF YOU JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
And it's Day 2 of the Carey freak out in Habs world. How do you feel today? I'm sure Marisa will make it all better when she "suits up" between the pipes against the Sens tonight. And if you're sick of Carey discussion, not to worry we'll sexy this post up with all your sexy celebrity news of the week, things like Jessica Alba nude and Bar Rafaeli in lingerie. Everyone's happy. On to the links!
Look Carey, it's totally understandable you'd like some extra benjamins to spend in Montreal's VIP rooms so you're holding out for more cash. But you're a celebrity, I'm sure they'll comp you. Win some games and they'll really comp you, if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge wink wink say no more.
Yo, dude. You should like, totally sign a contract already. The best Montreal bud is harvested in late August, so you'll want to have some cash on hand by then. There's so much of it, we're filling giant orange spheres with vodka and taking bong hits. Then we're having grilled cheese sandwiches and something called a frappé. At least, I think we are. My perception is a little fuzzy.
Thanks to an anonymous commentor and lazy L Dude we were made aware Carey has a birthday coming up; he'll turn 23 on Monday. We present the first in our photo series of him with Montreal chicks as a birthday present and to entice him to sign a fucking contract already. No matter what his agent says, pretty soon we will start to freak the fuck out.
Jaro Halak has been traded to the St Louis Blues for Lars Eller and Ian Schultz. We have no idea who they are either. We'll check on that, and get back to you.
UPDATE: From the FHF scouting department:
Eller, 21, played in seven games for the Blues in 2009-10, scoring two goals and played 70 games for Peoria and recorded 57 points (18g, 39a). He was the 13th overall in pick in the 2007 NHL Entry Draft.
Schultz, 20, played the last four seasons for the Calgary Hitmen in the Western Hockey League. He recorded 55 points (24g, 31a) last season. He was the 87th overall pick (3rd round) by the Blues in the 2008 NHL Entry Draft.
Commence arguing! Er, continue arguing from the previous thread!
Media whoring update - yours truly will be on CBC Daybreak tomorrow morning at 7:40 AM to give his opinion. Which he doesn't really have yet. So all suggestions welcome! You can hear it on the web (link on the right side, "Listen Live").
Unlike some others who would be better served keeping their big traps shut (with all due respect to the Habs best forward), we think Jose Theodore and his goaltending abliities are just fine. And we love midget goalies like him, Jaro and our namesake, Darren Pang - the King of The Midget Goalies.
Tomas Plekanec should shut the fuck up and leave the goaltending analysis to the pros.
Here we are.
The Starters: Jose vs. Jaro A.k.a. Theo / Jaro Age 33 / 24 Height 5'1 / 5'11 Weight 181 / 174 Starts 43 / 43 Record 30-7-7 / 26-7-3 GAA/SV %/SO 2.81/.911/2 vs. 2.40/.924 /5 Career claim(s) to fame: 2002 Hart vs. Leading Slovakia to the Bronze medal game Other claims to fame: Nailed Paris Hilton (allegedly) vs. Stole Carey Price's place (for shizzle)
Analysis, or what the hell are those numbers supposed to mean to me?: Listen up Tomas, I know you were just looking to support your goaltending teammates and are saying what allot of people are thinking, but the numbers don't back you up.
Obviously, Theo had way more offense to support his starts, but it's no accident he won his last 23 games or so. There is no more streaky goalie in the NHL today than Theo, and right now he's streaking like a drunken college freshmen.
And there are allot of similarities in Theo and Jaro's respective seasons. Almost everyone assumed, at least early in the season, that the curent backups would be the playoff starters for both teams. Theo and Jaso are both small goalies by today's ridicuolously collosal standards but play a pretty effective positional butterfly style. Both have the ability for otherworldly displays when hot. Halak has probably shown a little more consistencey from start to finish this season, but Theo has the edge in experience.
Advantage: no one. That's right Tomas, as good as Halak has been, Theo is no push over. Plus he's got plenty of motivation: prove his many critics wrong, get a new contract and beat his former team. Last offseason's family tragedy just adds fuel to his fire.
What's the difference, then? Halak will have to steal the series; Theo just need to make sure he doesn't gift wrap it.
The Backups: Semyon vs. Carey A.k.a. Simon? Big V? /TFS or Big Fat Whale Age 21 / 22 Height 6'2 / 6'3 Weight 209 / 219 Starts 23 / 39 Record 15-4-6 / 13-20-5 GAA/SV %/SO 2.55/.909/2 vs. 2.77/.912 /0 Career claim(s) to fame: Saving the Caps from losing to the Rangers vs. WJC and AHL Champ
So what? Backups don't play in the playoffs anyway. Leaving aside that erroneous assumption for a moment, neither Theo or Halak have the leash that say, Roberto Luongo will be given. A couple of bad goals and a couple of losses and - guaranteed - there will be talk of going with the backup.
If that happens, it's a wash - except what is says about the series itself. Price has a little more experience and has had some good outing against Washington specifically. But Varlamov would not be much of a step down from Theo, if at all.
Which bring me back to why it's becoming a myth that you have to go with one goalie for the entire playoffs if you hope to win. It's changing. Detroit and Carolina have both proven you can go to your backup and still win.
And? Let's face it, by the time Halak gets pulled in favour of Price, it will probably already be too late for Price to be the Saviour. Chasing Theo, though, will probably result in Varlamov pulling a Ward again.
And just because we love him so much: here are the REAL Panger's career stats:
Is is wrong that I feel the same way? Mmmm, Carey... Uhh, ok divert your attention from my orientation by checking out The 700 level and especially Suicide Girls, you dirty perv. Trust us, those chicks, making out with jerseys or not, are hot.
That rampaging sound you hear is 10,000 Habs fans jumping back on the Carey Price bandwagon. After a stellar start, including a 30-game unbeaten streak (or something like that, if you want real stats look somewhere else) he followed up with an equally awe-inspiring a streak, this time made of post-All Star game suckitude. Now TFS (tm) is back in a big way, giving up 2 goals in two games. Too bad for TFS that the Habs forgot how to score in 4 periods of those 2 games.
After holding the fort for 100-odd minutes and giving his teammates a chance to win both games, TFS showed again why he was picked so high and has won at every level he's played. So his doubters can SUCK IT or STICK IT; their choice. Dude is 21 years old and he's already won a pro championship and earned the starter's title in the most pressure-packed spotlight in hockey. But of course, some brain-dead bloggers and Leafs fans still try and argue that he's overrated. He's 21 FREAKING YEARS OLD. Well, ok, to be fair some equally stupid people said the same about Roberto Luongo. Your know, the good ol' Italian kid from Montreal that most people would now want to build their franchise around. (Gotta love Italian goalies from Montreal, BTW.)
Anyway, in Roberto's first year, he split time almost equally between the AHL and NHL. TFS was up pretty much all season, except for a 10-game get-your-confidence-back period. In Lou's second season, he became a full-timer after being traded to Florida by Brain-Dead (Not Mad) Mike Mulberry, err Milbury, who obviously also thought he was overrated. (Anyone willing to trade Roberto for Ricky straight up today? If any hands went up, do us a favour and check yourself into rehab right now). Of course, the current Captain Canuck was spitting time with the Immortal Trevor Kidd his first year in Florida, while Price was handed the starter's title in year 2. It was only in year three that Luongo established himself as a clear-cut #1 in the NHL. And didn't win even one playoff series until...2 years ago. Carey won one is his first in his first year. Yeah yeah, Florida sucked and it was hardly Roberto's fault, and TFS was not good against Philly in the second series - but that was round two, so the point remains: Carey has credentials. (Justin Pogge, for example, does not.)
Look, there is never any guarantee that a player is going to become a superstar; just ask Eric Lindros - if he can remember anything that long ago. It is possible that Price will turn out to have been over-hyped. But probably not. What is that jumped-upon conclusion based on? So he went through a slump. Big freaking deal. We're talking, what, 15 games? It's much more stupid to suggest he's not going to be a franchise player based on his exploits thus far, so let's all give the kid a break and just let him play, and judge him mercilessly in 2-3 years time. So no more "Jesus Price" for now. On this site at least, that was written - as is most everything, for those who haven't yet noticed - sarcastically and/or self-mockingly. But we stand by our Franchise Saviour moniker, cause he's the only one on the roster who truly gives us hope for a Cup in our lifetimes.
OK, enough goalie-centricity. While TFS was the player of both games (yes, because I'm a biased wop goalie from Montreal) TurtlePleks PK heroics, Rhino's mean streak and Tangy & Big Tits chemistry earn honourable mentions.
Just to even out the goalie-love with a little keeper-hate, we're still laughing after the Habs scored their third while Turco was out roaming behind the net aimlessly like a blue-hair at the Cavendish mall (trust me, West-enders are laughing). Oh, and the Little Fuckity-fuck can suck it, too. We're pretty sure he sticks it on a regular basis. (Wait, what does that even mean?) We kinda feel bad for Bangin' Begin - but we loves his replacement, future fan fav Stewart.
Edmonton up next on Mechant Mardi. Habs better beat those Alberta fuckers, and solidify a playoff spot for fucks sakes. I'm afraid that HF29's next rant will be so epic that the interwebs melt down from the profanity.
Multiple lap dances to Robert over at Eyes on the Prize for shooting this our way. Robert captured this moment for posterity, and it is outstanding. TFM(tm) swearing in his post-game interview. He should write for FHF!
Apparently Carey went a little batshit in the room after the game, throwing his pads around and generally being royally pissed off at being left to the wolves by his teammates. Good for you, Carey, we're pissed off too.
Consider "the fucking worst time of your life" as your game review. Next up, Sexy Friday.
You all suck! You ungrateful schlubs need to zip it and respect the overwhelming awesomeness of this year's Montreal Canadiens! All is well, all will continue to be well, and if you don't like the way that this year's squad of excellence personified is going about it's awesomeness, well, off the bandwagon with you, and don't come a crawlin' back when you see this team about to hoist the Cup. Go find some team that doesn't reek of brilliance. Ingrates! ALL IS WELL!
So you think Price is overrated, can't stop a beach ball? Suck on his 51-save awesomeness! Think that shows an inconsistency and inexperience that may haunt this team? Wrong! It is a testament to the TFS that after all the blatant cheating that resulted in goals being scored that he can repel half-a-hundred shots from the most dynamic offensive machine in hockey history, the Carolina Hurricanes, who are on pace for 1473 goals. Why, 11 of twelve goals scored by the Bruins and Leafs last week occurred during stoppages in play, the intermission, or when Price was over at the bench during timeouts! Look at the video. Only one goal was scored on our Saviour while he was in his crease, and that took three deflections and was shot by the ghost of Syl Apps.
So, you feel Rhino was embarrassed by Sergei Samsonov on his goal last night? Nay! Rhino is well aware of the referee's protection of the gifted Samsonov, face of the league and so talented the NHL passed a league rule that he must be shared equally by all teams in one-or-two year increments ... one hand laid on the Russian maestro would have resulted in a multiple game suspension to our most valued big-bashing defender. Rhino smartly avoided that catastrophe, just as he has avoided similar suspensions in almost every game he has played this year.
You complain that our own Russian master has reverted to his previous infuriating form? Nay, I say! Kovy has merely reached another plateau of excellence, and his less than otherworldly teammates have yet to attain the same level of consciousness. When they do, look out! All the seemingly useless stickhandling and blind passes will result in artistic feats of fancy so beautiful they will be awarded two goals instead of one!
Do not say a word about the limited offensive contributions of Plekanec or the Tits Brothers! You do not understand hockey enough to enjoy the subtleties of their game! You miss the defensive brilliance exhibited by these dedicated warriors, and probably misunderstood the greatness of our own Hall of Famer Bob Gainey, the greatest hockey player in the world according to legendary genius Viktor Tikhonov. Are the Tits Bros and Plekanec about to take the mantle of greatest player in the world from Gainey? You won't be around to find out, you bandwagon ingrates!
Say nothing of the scoring slumps of our French-Canadian standard bearer Gui! Gui! Gui! or the erratic play of his compatriot Alex Tanguay! Did not the great Guy Lafleur fail to live up to your overblown expectations for his first three seasons? Yet now you lionize him for his brilliance! For shame, you turncoat frontrunners! When the cheers of Gui! Gui! Gui! rain down from the rafters for our multiple Art Ross and Stanley Cup winning superstar, your treachery will not be forgotten! You are not invited to the parade(s)!
Do you doubt our great and powerful Carbo? Lament his seeming inability to steamroll the opposition? Scratch your ungrateful, cloudy heads at his line combinations, strategies, power play set-ups, and goalie rotation? You are not alone! Every coach in the league is flummoxed by the great and powerful Carbo's magic. Only the sheer evil of the NHL head office and it's corrupt officials prevents his tactical brilliance from defeating all comers!
In short, you must all walk away from the greatness of this team with your heads hanging in shame! Those who know the truth will glory in the awesomeness and magic of this, the most gifted, talent-laden, warrior-poet ensemble ever to grace a sheet of ice, and when the rapture comes, it is YOU who will feel the shame and disgrace of ever doubting Les Glorieux. The Gods who walk amongst men in that hallowed dressing room know their terrible powers will result in the ultimate victory. YOU will not be welcome at their glorious coronation!
Plan the parade: Hey, remember when we all thought Higgins was gonna be a 40 goal, 40 assist, Cup-hoisting Captain for life? Oh, it's back on, baby! Hey, remember when TFS was TFS, and shutouts, Vezinas and Cups were going to rain like ... um, rain? Plan the parade! Remember when we feared the Sens juggernaut and the inevitable SLC smackdown? Nah, me neither. Remember when Gui! was the next John Leclair - except we weren't going to trade him just before he exploded as a first-line force of nature? Well, he snapped home a nice goal last night, so that's something. Remember when the Habs were a clean, hardworking skill team, not the bunch of cheap-shotting quitters who showed up in Toronto on Saturday? Let's hope Carbo made a tape of that speech.
The Sky is Falling: Forget Marian Gaborik or Ilya Kovalchuk or Mats Sundin and get a large, angry, top-four defenceman who will punch someone in the fucking mouth if they get to close to TFS, please. Saturday was an abomination, with Leafs running rampant through the crease and dressing room poison Grabs throwing a butt-end with no consequences. Last night wasn't as pitiful, but the Sens sure had a lot of time to shove their way into the blue paint. It's got to stop.
Know what else needs to stop? Big Tit's penchant for tripping/slewfooting guys on races for the puck. The one on Saturday against Leafs saviour Luke Schenn was bad enough, and he pulled the same thing last night. He's gonna kill someone. It's a dirty play and someone needs to tell him to knock it the fuck off and start scoring goals.
Somewhere, Jacques Parizeau weeps: The Flying Frenchmen sent out this power play unit: Two Belarussians, a Russian, and two Czechs. Later, on a four on three, it was a Finn, a Russian, a Czech and a Belarussian. Damn moneyed ethnics are ruining everything!
Chez Paree bound: Post a shutout? Get right in. Throw up a "who needs Gaborik?" first career hat-trick? Get right in. Put all the power of your 5 foot 2, 93 pound body into your fists to avenge a head shot on your teammate? Get right in. Spend an entire penalty kill buzzing the opposing net? Get right in. Play a full sixty minutes like you mean business? Get right in.
You know, I hate to say this sort of thing, but: Alex Auld played fantastic and deserved a better fate.
Of course, saying things like this might explain why he didn't have a better night: I heard the names Spezza, Heatley, Alfie, Fisher, and Neil last night. I may have heard "Winchester" once, and Foligno was mentioned when he fell down on the third goal. That's seven forwards. Most teams dress 12. It's not a good sign when almost half of your attackers are invisible. I think Spezza and Fisher each played 45 minutes last night.
Meanwhile, on the Ocho (er, TSN2): The Pens and Wings took Rememberance Day to a whole new level by remembering what the NHL was like in 1988-89. 7-6 in overtime after the Wings blew a 5-2 lead in the third. Yzerman to Gallant looked like the winner until Lemieux set up Robbie Brown for the tying goal, then won it in overtime himself. Yowza.
Next Evil, Evil, Blackhearted,(did I mention Evil?) we-need-to-crush-them foe?
Bruins. Thursday. Urge to kill ... rising! Milan Lucic is ON MY LIST.
When a Habs video makes it to a notoriously hockey-averse site like the awesome With Leather, it seems like it should be posted here, no? Anyway, here's TFS(tm)'s save from the other night, which Maguire now famously described as "the save of the year and it's not even the year yet."
It's a decent save. Had he made it while getting a lap dance then we really would have been impressed.
What can you expect from a 20-year old? How much pressure can you put on a kid's shoulders, in the heartland of hockey, as this mad city rode shotgun with a young goalie who had barely obtained a license to drive?
Carey Price. 2o years old. Pause. Think of that for a moment.
He's done so much already, what more can we expect of this young phenom. Graduation from minors to juniors, World Junior Gold and MVP honors, Calder Cup Championship along with another MVP title, followed by a move up to the NHL and an anointment as the Canadiens' starting goaltender. He then defeats the Bruins in his first taste of NHL playoff hockey, shutting Boston out twice in the series the last one coming, incredibly, in the seventh and deciding game of the series.
It took him 18 months to accomplish all of this. He's tired now.
Montreal wanted a Stanley Cup but in the end it would be too much to ask from an overwhelmed Price.
It can’t be done at this speed. You have to mature into a certain mold before certain results may be expected from you.
Voice: BULLSHIT!
Me: What?
Carey: Huh?
Voice: I say bullshit! That’s what I said BULL-SHIT.
Me: who the hell are you?
Voice: Who the hell am I? That's some crazy talk right there. Who do you think I am?
Me: I wouldn’t have asked had I known.
Carey: This guy’s a weird one.
Voice: Requiem, The Little Music of the Night. I’m Mozart goddammit.
Me: Mozart, shit, I thought that was you! What are you doing here?
Mozart: You know, HF4, I’m getting a bit peeved at this Price was too young thing going around. What the hell?
Carey: What do you mean?
Mozart: You’re 20 Carey. You know what life expectancy was when I was around? 40-45 years tops. By the time we were 25, we would be flashing our gold cards at the movies, people would be giving up their seats on the horse carriages for us, doctors were plunging their fingers in our asses by the time we were 13. I kind of liked that.
Carey: Wolfie, I’m barely…
Mozart: Don’t call me Wolfie, it sounds gay. Where’s my pocket mirror...
Carey: Amadeus, I’m like, barely an adult. This is HOCKEY WORLD.
Me: Seriouly Zart, this is the Mecca of hockey. Like people will stop whatever they’re doing 5 times a day, turn to their welfare cheques, kneel and pray to the ghosts.
Mozart: What’s your point?
Me: My point is that you can’t expect a kid to rise to these expectations.
Carey: Yeah Wolfgang, you can’t.
Mozart: Are you guys for real? Do you know what I was up to at the age of 4? Do you have any idea? I was writing full minuets and concertos for the emperor of Austria, that’s what. I would play that shit faultlessly. And my Dad was of no help either. He made David Archuleta’s father look like Kathy Lee Gifford. Go ahead and give the Williams' father a "Dad of the Year" t-shirt! My father's name was Leopold. LEOPOLD! Is that badass or what? The man was on my ass CONSTANTLY. “Finish the sonnet or no new skirt for you!” or “write that opera before you go to bed or you can forget about seeing that movie you like – ‘I’ll be Bach’, what a stupid line”. I loved Austrian actors...
Carey: Sounds rough. Mozart: You have no idea. Me: Times have changed Mozart, 20 is the new 3.
Mozart: That’s my point! At 3 years old I had already completed my first full opera, which today is widely regarded as one of the best pieces in musical history. 20? At 20 I was writing life altering music that has changed the face of the world. You hear me? The face of the world. Pressure? I had an empire threaten to cut my balls if one note sounded off-key, I had to deal with the threat of exile to Cyprus. Goddamn exile.
Carey: My hand wasn’t right.
Mozart: You have to be joking. I was composing notes of genius while juggling typhoid, syphilis, the plague and a fever that would make the sun stop for a glass of lemonade.
Carey: I don’t know, Ganger, try painting something with a sore hand. It doesn’t work. Those are my tools you know, my hands.
Mozart: Don’t get me started on the painting kid. Want to talk paint? You wanna see a drawing Picasso sent me when he was 4? You wanna see genius? Look at this:
Mozart: Now that’s child prodigy material right there. Look at the lines, they're so elegant, so subtle.
Carey: What are those bugs in the sky?
Me: You don’t know the media here Mozart, they’ll hang you out to dry if…
Mozart: Oh give it a break! Try writing music that changes History while a maniac named Salieri is conspiring to have you killed, stealing your money and your compositions and shagging your wife behind your back. I thought he was my friend. “Let me help you Mozart", "You’re a genius Mozart.” Asswipe, should have seen him coming. Fucker worked me to death.
Carey: You know I didn’t totally choke. I’m proud of some of my performances.
Mozart: Price, read my lips: I was THREE YEARS OLD and stroking the ivory blindfolded, upside down, under the piano, with my hands crossed and my back turned to the keys. That’s fucking art kid. That’s child freaking genius. Try playing upside down UNDER the damn piano. Your pits are pressed up against your face and you haven’t bathed in weeks, and you’re supposed to play music that reminds people of perched canaries. What do you think of those conditions kiddo? You’re playing to the gallery, to a king, an emperor, to the entire council. They don’t like it, you’re gonzo.
Carey: I guess I don’t know what real pressure is. I guess 20 years old isn’t that young.
Mozart: Pfff! 20! At 20, we had insurance companies batting down our doors pushing life insurance policies down our throats! You hit 22, 23, nobody wants to insure you anymore.
Carey: It told them I was tired, nobody listened to me. They just listened whenever they felt like it.
Mozart: Nobody listened to you? Trying having your best buddy not HEARING A SINGLE WORD YOU SAY! I would be like, “Yo, Beethoven, how does this sound?” And he’d be all oblivious and shit. For years I thought it was just his silent, tacit approval. Talk about misleading someone.
Carey: Those pads I ordered just before the playoffs. I hadn’t even broken them in. They felt so stiff.
Mozart: Carey, I’m directing 100 musicians for 4 hours in a 103 degree opera house with no AC, the occasional paper fan to cool me off, and I’m wearing the most constricting tights you’ve ever worn, a silk blouse that breathes as much as an old firefighter with emphysema and the biggest wig you’ve ever seen, like 40 pounds of hair collapsing over my head. That’s not exactly spa-treatment like conditions bud. Pads?!! I had tights going up to my tits and socks over them that ran up to my knees. Paint them in red and white stripes and I look like a character from a Dr. Seuss book. Green eggs and symphonies. I was like baroque Matisyahu.
Me: We gotta lay off the young guy excuse, Carey. Amadeus has a point.
Mozart: Fuck yeah, I have a point.
Carey: He’s got a point.
Me: What now? What will we say? How do you explain having gone down in 5?
Carey: I don't say a thing. I can't. I’ll say that next year, no excuses. I’m going Wolfgangbusters on your asses.
Mozart: That’s it Carey.
Carey: Rock me Amadeus.
Mozart: Now you’re talking.
Me: Ok, I’ll leave you two alone.
Amadeus is right. No excuses. It’s been done before. Roy, Dryden, Ward, Tiger Woods at Augusta, Sampras at the US Open at 17. I even hear Falco was, like, 5 when he wrote that epic song.
(TSN) Hot on the heels of Jaro's outstanding performance on Monday, Habs coach Guy Carbonneau was on the fence about whether to start Price or Halak in goal in tonight's pivotal Game 4. After some soul-searching, he decided he will turn to the children's favourite "eeny meeny miney mo" game to make his selection.
"I figured, you know, there is really not much difference, and it seems the decisions I make don't really affect games anyway, so why not?" Carbo said. "It's not like one of our goalies has been annointed the franchise saviour or anything. So I'll just call them into my office at 5 PM, and do that eeny meeny thing. I don't think it will affect their performance at all."
Other selection processes that were ultimately rejected included a coin flip, one potato-two potato, and letting the goalies fight to the death "Amok Time"-style with the winner getting to play and mate with the hot blonde chick who sits behind Carbo at the Bell Centre.
Boston's Tiny Tim is going to need to carry his team on his back.
Undoubtedly the most important position in all of sports (not that I'm biased), FHF turns it's in-depth "analysis" to the teams' respective goaltenders, Carey Price - aka The Franchise Saviour (tm), and Tim Thomas - aka Tiny Tim.
Age: TFS is 20, TiTi will be 34 in a week. EDGE: TFS is green, TiTi is a geezer (sorry HF29). Let's call this a draw.
Playoff experience: both TFS and TiTi go into this series with zero NHL playoff games. In TT's entire professional career, however, he's played 31 career playoff games - and only 2 of those were on this side of the pond. Meanwhile, everyone is Montreal knows by now that TFS led the Hamilton Bulldogs to the Calder Cup last year in the AHL, playing in 22 games. Plus, TFS is cool as a Chicoutimi cucumber and it seems unlikely that he will be rattled too badly or too long by his first playoff NHL experience. Plus it's not like there is no precedent for a 20 year old carrying a team to a Cup. But a soon-to-be 34-year old journeyman?
EDGE: TFS.
Size/Durability: TFS is 6'3", 225 pounds. TiTi is 5'11" and 180 pounds. Who's going to stand up to being run 30 times a night when goalie interference calls require use of a firearm?
EDGE: TFS - his frame guarantees that a couple of pucks a game will simply hit him even if he doesn't react to a shot, which is critical when there are 2 guys with their ass in
Style: TFS is a prototype hybrid goalie, while TiTi style can best be described as "Hasekian" - i.e. calculated guesses and allot of scrambling. The difference is, TiTi doesn't guess right nearly as often as the Dominator at his peak. EDGE: it's easy (and tempting) to give this one to TFS too, but I'm calling it a draw because when TiTi is guessing right, he can look like Hasek, and he's more prone to streaky play - and I'm not going to tempt fate (and piss off HF10) given the list of marginal Bruins' keepers who stole playoff series against the CH.
Team support: much has been made of the Bruins' commitment to team defence as they cut their goals against by something like 350 goals under Julien. But this category is more about the goalie's place in the team . Remember in TFS's first start against Pittsburgh, when guys were throwing themselves in front of shots to ensure he picked up the win? Meanwhile, the Bruins GM had so much confidence in TiTi before the year that he traded for an assaholic goalie with spaghetti for knee ligaments to be his starter.
EDGE: TFS. You can just see how Montreal has adapted their game to his play. This is TFS's team, not doubt about it (HueT who?). It seems like TiTi is slotted into the backup role every pre-season (next year it could be behind Tuuka Rask).
Intangibles: TiTi has something to prove as he's been doubted all season, where I don't think TFS really does. TFS is getting all the hype, and if I where TiTi I'd be pissed off and looking to prove something. Let's hope TiTi isn't like me (well, maybe if you've ever seen me play...).
EDGE: TiTi.
Backups: burgeoning FHF cult hero Jaro vs. Alex Auld. I'm betting that it is more likely to see Mr. Auld than Jaro. Good for us, because when Jaro's riding the bench he has more time to do interviews with HF4.
EDGE: Auld has more experience, even if he hasn't played an NHL playoff game either.
PREDICTION: TiTi is pulled at least once in the series, and by the end of April TFS can pretty much walk into the back room of any strip club in Montreal any time he wants, sans wallet (and pants).
We're one game away from the conclusion of FHF's first regular season, and we couldn't have done it without our fans. So today all three of you are invited to submit your own game recap - Plan the Parade or The Sky is Falling - even if it is from the completely biased perspective of a non-Habs fans. We'll post the good ones over the course of the day. Just email us at fourhabsfans@gmail.com.
Just don't hate because we're better than you. Yeah, we're looking in the direction of Broadway.
Panger's Plan the Parade: The most important thing in the playoffs is goaltending. At the very least you need a goalie who gives you a chance to win. Well, it's pretty clear that TFS(tm) is going to give the Habs more than just a chance to win. Once again he was the biggest difference maker and the Habs scored two early and then basically turned to Carey and said "you're on your own; please save the game for us again." So Carey helped kill 5 of 6 powerplays on the Habs suddenly-stellar PK, and then stopped 13 of 14 shots in the third. No "arrogant prick" saves either, although he did make a couple of nice glove grabs on the last 2 minutes. Maybe HF29 will give him some love now.
Montréaliste:
Plan the parade: So what do we got ? A solid TFS (tm), as usual. What a garbage goal though. It was almost over, he must've been thinking about that Chez Parée Bond. Defence was tight, even without Franky B and DOOM. Hell, even Breezer look allright. Foward lines 3 and 4 did an amazing job. Line numero uno gave us their usual godlike game. Higgins was playing center and was being good at it, while Saku is away taking French lessons. We got some key players injured, but still obtain positive results.
The sky is falling: Well we proved we can beat any offensively oriented team. We stil need to prove we can win against defensive team. Remeber the game against Colombus ?
Chez Parée Bound: You are all getting in. Yes Breezer, even you ! Drinks are on D'Agostini and Stuey. Carey Price and Slowminski are requested in the dance à dix booth.
Next Evil foe: 1967. Leafs suck. They know it and are just trying to piss off their opponants. If Pens win, look for a well deserved rest for Kovy, Price and why not the Hammer. We don't want injuries like Alfie.
Nose Bleed Bob:
Plan the Parade: Sabres tee-off was set at 20:04 when Slomo scored is first of two, to propel is goal total to eight, and send Ryan Miller and is buddies of the Buffalo Sabres on vacation. For the zillion time in a row, the fourth line is on at the initial face off, should you feel the urge to complain ask Buffalo's Andrej Sekera how he feels about that. Is face is still printed on one of the booth's board, courtesy of fourth line left winger Steve Bejing. Markov played huge D, TFS wasn't very busy but did the job when he had to and dance à 1o lines showed glanced of pure ice poetry but wasn't able to capitalise. Rhino is getting some experience time on the PK, and making the most of it by blocking is 10th shot in two games. Over all a walk in the park that made me wonder, are we that good. Habs conference title hopes are still alive, go back to Antarctica you fucking Penguins.
The Sky is Falling: D'Agostini called for hooking on is first NHL shift, fucking Lindy Ruff pulling out is goalie with over 8 minutes left in the game to spoil TFS's 2nd consecutive shutout and just for the sake of it Breezer playing in a third straight game.
Chez Paree Bound: #1 Kovy, who said this guy had the flu, should Plekanec had been able to capitalise, Kovy would have recorded at least an extra 2 points. #2 TMS, not very busy but stood tall at the right time. #3, how do you say being at the right place at the right time, Slomo netting 2 with midget shots and getting some ice time when Buffalo's net is empty to get the hat trick.
Next Evil Foe: The worlds most hated team, the fucking Leafs. 41 years of suckitude coming our way to end the Habs best season in more than 15 years. Let's end this the way it should, Leafs Suck !
Fezworth
Fack! Zees Buufflo teem sheet. Big ugly Cari heff no work to do. Mankey on motorcycle coud heff get shootout. I could heff get shootout last night if even I pley in Hemilton in dark room, masturbating. But no, coach Carbono, no heff give Jaro time in net.
All defencemen het me. Markov, he worst. He always let best pleyer on other team get breakaway on Jaro. He do on purpose, because me prettier than heem. Ees not hard. And Streit? He haff no make up mind. Why he always fly back to front play, then next gem he back play. He make me so mad.
Now teem can get Conference win if beet stinky Leefs Saturday. Will Jaro get net? No, no. "You sit, Jaro. Look sexy." I do thees, thees easy, but I want pley! I tell coach Müller thet I pley better than big ugly Cari, and he say: "But he only let one goal behind he ass. You let lots. You play like squirrel on speed." I HET BUG UGLY CARI! HE SO PRANCI, HE ALWAYS PUT DEEP HEET IN MY UNDERWEAR BEFORE GAME! Thees reeson why I no pley good anymore.
I Het thees facking city. At leest in Hamilton I heff time to mine own.
Flying Toaster:
Well, the good thing about this season? I was right. The Habs seem to be just where i predicted them to be. One of the fastest, high-scoring teams in the east with a top-notch young goaltender in Carey Price. Just in case you're asking yourself, no, i never predicted them to finish 1st, i predicted them to finish 7th, but then again, who would have thought the Sens would have such a big slump? After last season, many saw the Habs as a poorly coached team with no stars, and with the loss of Sheldon Souray, it also lost it's main source for goals. The so-called "experts" saw them 14th, after such teams as Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Washington, the Islanders, etc. How can a team who finished 9th go all the way down to 14th with the loss of a single defenseman? I thought they were crazy. I also saw what Hamilton did, what with winning the Calder Cup and all. I saw Carey Price easily as the goalie, not of the future, but of the present. There was Sergei Kostitsyn who had me sold ever since he joined the London Knights, Maxim Lapierre who learned alot about leadership in that Calder Cup run. What i saw, was a team chock-full of young talents who could easily ride this team into the playoffs. But the one factor that made them go above the 7th position i gave them is Kovalev's play. He simply dominated every shift he's been on the ice and has helped this team surpass what i thought they were capable of doing. Now, with one game left and the possibility of a 1st-place finish, who here thinks the Habs can go all the way? I don't know about you guys, but i got a whole patio being built on St. Catherine's.
[Ed's Note: We all feared this one, and here it is:]
Jeff Hong Kong here. You know the MAD COKE GUY.
Grock, Gree.
Ishbudalem. Great word, just made it up, sounds vaguely Beirut.
I worry about large nuclear devices exploding near my wife.
Grock. You know that early seventies self help book 'I'm OK you're OK'? My buddy Rog thought it said imok, urok. He used to say it al the time. But he was four years old then, so really, we're fuckin dumb at that age kinda.
You must press on young brave attorneys. I am old now, so tired. You must.....must.....cover....the playoffs....
Grock, Getchabelum Saiyumkee.
More made up cool words. I very cokaine now, gotobed now me.
