This week in Habs goalie sacrilege: Habs 3, Evil Phucking Piece of Shit Goon Squad 0

I know how much you all enjoyed last week's sacrilege, so here we go again! Look, it's not my fault I'm slated to write up these tough Tuesday night games and TFS goes out and plays with poise to a shutout. You take what's given.

Before we sully this post with tales of Philadelphia goonery, let us recall the simpler times of George Hainsworth. Now there was a goalie! They always talk about statistics and sports records that will never be broken, but that 1928-29 season was something to behold. He played every minute of every game. Suck on that, fat Marty. Out of his 44 starts, 22 of those were shutouts. Fifty fucking percent! Suck on that, Jaro. You know how many games the Habs won that year? 22. Talk about a lack of goal support. They say his glove hand was magic. Take a look at the trapper he had to use. That's right, he didn't even fucking have one! How badass is that? This guy rules. You know who has the Habs' record for most career shutouts? GH. Lowest career GAA? GH. Lowest season GAA? GH. Lowest career playoff GAA? GH. God I miss Robert L.

What was my point again? Oh yeah, I'm a rambling old man and Carey Price is a great fucking goalie.

Since GH was all about the numbers, let's use some digits to recap last night's action:

41 - shots faced and turned away by TFS. Didn't seem like quite that many, and there weren't a lot of quality chances I thought, but maybe it's because he's just making shit look routine now. He almost looked bored on a night of 40 shots. Or maybe it's the poise.

20 - shots faced and turned away by TFS in the 2nd period. Definitely felt like that many. And some quality ones too.

1 - number of head boo-boos to Jeff Halpern after a semi-head shot with a semi-elbow from semi-behind (I'm being kind on all 3). Into the boards. While defenseless.

3 - points for Gio last night, and number of straight games in which he's scored. Remember when we said once Gio and Gomez get going, we might really have something? Well once Gomez gets going, we might really have something.

15.7 - % success rate of the Habs PP today after 2 more PP goals last night. Up to 19th in the league! Andrei who?

Indeterminate - time of Vodkov's absence.

6 - epic PKs by the Habs (out of 6), including some 5 on 3 time. Habs now 89.3%, first in the league.

13,495 - number of penalty minutes given out in the 3rd period. Estimate only.

432,579 - number of Philly cheap shots not called by the refs. Estimate only.

1,378,365 - number of attempts on PFK's life this season. Estimate only.

45 - jersey number of goon Jody Shelley, sent out by Peter Laviolette on the power play with 2 minutes to go in the game in order to goonishly goon. Plus ça change...

0 - number of punches thrown by Mad Max in his first fight since taking boxing lessons this summer. But his form looked good! And he stuck up for his teammates and went after the guy (Powe) who killed Halpern, so I guess that's something.

10 -  number of games since the Goons had lost in regulation going into last night. Suck it, Goons.

10 - douche level on a 1 to 10 douche scale of Chris Pronger and his petulant "let's steal the opposing goalie's shutout puck" business. Phucking Pronger.

3 - more games this season against the Flyers, including next Monday in Philly. Phuck those phuckers. All of you people who argued in the comments yesterday for the Goons as which team we hate most now have Exhibit A.

5:55 - running time of these long-form video highlights after a win.

Just in Case You Forgot We Were A-hole Lawyers: Habs 2, Sabres 1

COURT FILE NUMBER: 2.63.911

JUDICIAL DISTRICT:     Buffalo
PLAINTIFF:                     Ryan Miller
DEFENDANTS:               Buffalo Sabres Hockey Club
HEARD BEFORE:            The Honourable N.H. Elfan

APPLICATION FOR GOALIE SUPPORT

1. REMEDY CLAIMED OR RELIEF SOUGHT:

• More goals from the Defendants, save for Mr. D. Roy who's done okay so far since he's on pace for 82 goals.

2. GROUNDS FOR MAKING THIS APPLICATION:

• Despite my personal best efforts, including several highlight reel saves, the Defendants allowed a goal-challenged opponent to steal 2 points right here in Buffalo, in one of the most boring games I've ever witnessed.

3. EVIDENCE TO BE RELIED UPON:

• Exhibit A: Video Tape, Buffalo Sabres v. Ottawa Senators, recorded 10/8/2010
• Exhibit B: Video Tape, New Jersey Devils v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/13/2010
• Exhibit C: Video Tape, Montreal Canadiens v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/15/2010
• Two photos of the said Montreal Canadiens' players
• Filed affidavit of Mr. R. Miller

4. APPLICABLE RULES

• Rule 1.0, "The Team that scores the most goals wins", NHL Official Rulebook 2010-2011
• Section 3, "Don't score on your own goalie", (Unwritten) Goaltenders' Union Rules, 1893-1894 to present

AFFIDAVIT IN SUPPORT OF RYAN MILLER

Sworn on October 16, 2010, at Buffalo, New York

I, Ryan Miller, goaltender, of Buffalo, New York, swear and say that:

1. I am the Plaintiff in this action, and as such have personal knowledge of the facts herein deposed to. I admit that sometimes it was hard to see the facts since I was standing on my head for most of the time at issue.
2. Attached as Exhibit "A" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the Ottawa Senators. The court will note that I was sensational, but I admit the Defendants did take 36 shots and the other goalie was a pretty darn good, even if he's more fragile than a Faberge egg. I also admit that I only had to make 25 saves, and I could live with that - since I got a "W" that goes towards my bonus - and if the Defendants didn't increasingly suck from game to game I wouldn't be here.
3. Attached as Exhibit "B" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the New Jersey Devils. The court will note that, again, I was awesome. I admit that the Devils have a decent goaltender - but a terrible defence and can't afford enough skaters. I also admit it's hard for any team, let alone an offensively challenged club like the Defendants, to score on a team with a coach who appears to be the living anglophone reincarnation of Jacques Lemaire - not to mention an apparently bat-shit crazy GM, who fires winning coaches, signs illegal contracts and looks like this.
4. The real problem is attached as Exhibit "C". This game involved an opponent who was giving up an average of 36 shots a game and whose defencemen do more juggling with pucks at their own blueline than a starving European mime desperate for stupid American tourist's pocket change.
5. Further, these opponents have what could charitably be described as an anemic offence. For goodness sake, they haven't scored a power play goal yet this season and 14 guys already have attempted to castrate Sean Avery while battling with him in the corner. Although I admit that at least one guy wanted to, um, "pleasure him" instead.
6. Even further, two of the the opponent's top goal scorers apparently spent the off season chasing down tag team championship glory in the midget wrestling ring rather than train for the upcoming hockey season. Attached hereto as Exhibit "D" is a photo taken by the world renounded artist GG11 - I admit mostly because it's freaking hilarious:
   
7. Even more further, the first goal scored by the opponents was actually scored by some bone-head named Chris Butler, a member of the Defendants (although I don't know why). At least that's what the name on the guy's jersey said. I admit I'm not sure, because, like Red Fischer, I don't talk to rookies.
8. Even further than that, I'm make this application because the game was supposed to be interesting. Two tiny, fast teams who have forgotten thus far how to play any team defense was supposed to lead to a wide-open, scoring-chance-laden game on either end, a fun-to-watch hockey game. I thought it was hard to stay awake while I was on the ice - until I saw the replay on RDS. The only reason I managed to stay conscious throughout was thinking of ways to have Benoit Brunet and Mario Tremblay sentenced to death for murdering so many of my brain cells. I admit that Pierre Houde is a lovely man with a lovely voice, though. For the record, he deserved better, My Lord.
9. More further still, the Defendants allowed a guy who scores as often as HFF33 (which, I can tell you, is not often at all) to score the first goal of his career the season, and generally made that goofy looking gentleman look like Paul Coffey.
10. And furthest, there's Mr. Carey Price. I thought the guys playing goal in those other games were pretty good, but this guy is playing like he's got something to prove. He's becoming an out-right thief. The only reason the Tampa Bay police, led by Constable One-Timer Stamkos, caught him the other night was due to some tips by Messrs. P.K. Subban and J. Halpern. Those guys can be so helpful to the other team sometimes. Although I admit Mr. Subban is quick to lend a helping hand even after he makes a 'tip' like that, and Mr. Halpern is adept at taking pucks away from opponents during faceoffs.
11. But I digress. Back to Mr. Price, the Rodney Dangerfield of the NHL. Like I said, he's a cat burglar, quick as one, thereby robbing the Defendants left and right last night, just like he has 3 times previously this season. I admit he hasn't been rewarded much for such thievery, but last night was an exception. At this time I'd like to enter another GG11 photo as Exhibit "E", taken late last night outside the old Auditorium - you know, in the nice part of town:
    
12. I make this affidavit in support of some goal scoring, and for no inappropriate reasons.

2010 is boring already. Let's liven it up by creating a goalie controversy for our Sabres preview and open thread

Is there a goalie controversy in Montreal? Of course there is, it's Montreal. Jaro played out of his mind to lead the road trip at the beginning, stealing several games. It ended up earning him Molson Cup honours for December. But then Jaro had one weak game, and TFS came in and killed. Killed I tell you! What did he get for his efforts? Jaro starting the next game. Sure, JM excusers say it was because the game was less than 24 hours after the previous one, but fuck, Carey could play 120 minutes in a row if he had to. I'm with Marie-Pier, our random hot blonde hockey analyst from yesterday who wondered what JM was thinking.

I admit that in the past, I haven't given a shit when we've had 1A and 1B goalies. In thinking more about it though, in the long run, I really don't know if it works. If you have two number ones, they're both going to be alpha dogs. Goalies are fucked up in the head enough as it is (sorry Panger), so not knowing who's the man has got to really mess with their psyches over a period of months. Sooner or later, something has to be done.

Welcome home, boys.

Waiting like a backup in that little hallway behind the bench details - 3 PM start in the Phone Booth. THREE PEE EM. You hear that? WTF is that? It only conflicts with Canada-Swiss Semi-Final and the 4th quarter of the most important weekend of the NFL season. Yeesh. The family-friendly matinee hour may mean that Stubbs' Youppi rumours on Twitter are true. Habs coming off the glorious 6-1 road trip from hell and two straight wins. Sabres, on the same hand, have won 3 in a row, are 1st in the Northeast, 2nd in the East, and 2-0-1 already against us this season. We ain't in Florida any more.

Staring down 200 feet to see your opponent - Unlike our last opponent, Buffalo has many many hockey blogs to choose from. I think it speaks to the Canadian-ness of Buffalo. I think we could swallow them easily. First, the NFL team, then the whole city. They'd fit right in. Where was I? Right, hockey blogs. Check out one of the many many quality Sabres blogs, Queen City Sabres.

Hot like the goalie who says "the puck looked like a beach ball out there"- Bienvinido to this space Senor Gomez! 9 points in his last 5 games. Vodkov just amazing since his return, 11 points in 7 games. Throw in Gio and SuperPleks what the hell. For the Sabres, despite all this Ryan Miller talk, it's actually Patrick Lalime who is the hotter goalie with a 3-0-1, 1.34 GAA .960 save % in his last 4 games. Tom Connolly has 6 points in hist last 3 games.

Cold like the backup at the Winter Classic - Jaro 2.0 pointless in four. For the Sabres, Craig Rivet pointless in 7. For some reason, I miss Craig Rivet.

I'm actually impressed goalies don't injure their groins every game - both sets of Tits are said to be game-time decisions. Mara might be back. And your starter is... not yet announced at the time of this writing.

Post-game adult entertainment - It's Sunday afternoon, that's family time. If you don't have a family, try to start one by slipping one past the goalie.

Stoke the fires of goalie controversy in the comments

The Goaltending Gods Finally Have Their Revenge

John Tortorella, pictured, is out as Tampa coach. Or maybe he just looks like that to goaltenders.

Johnny goalie killer will hopefully take his anger, frustration and bitterness out on the person who really deserves it: Tampa GM Jay Feaster. Of course, the 29 other GM's would disagree, as Jay-bird laid out a road map for his colleagues on what NOT to do in the New NHL.

• Overpay for three players and fill out the rest of the roster with minor leaguers and overpaid vets: check.
• Ensure that none of those players includes an NHL calibre goalie: check.
• Trade one of your team's 4 top-6 players for a 2nd rate goalie who you will later assign to the minors while taking another huge cap hit: check.
• Miss the playoffs a mere four years after winning the Cup: check.

That being said, I'm sure John Grahame is bent over laughing in Omsk. Good riddance, Johnny goalie killer, and may you spend eternity in the afterlife playing goal without a facemask - or jock.