The Ol' Puck Coach still has a few things to get out of his hairy head

Yesterday, La Presse published their interview with the old coach who we all now look back at with fondness. Or hatred. Or a little bit of both. Carbo had a few interesting things to say, which as usual we are happy to translate for all our friends south of the 49th who don't speak the language of Mitsou.

"Est-ce que j'ai regardé les matchs du Canadien en séries? Pas beaucoup...Pour moi, c'est important de m'éloigner un peu, de faire le vide"

Did I watch that piece of crap team in the playoffs? Fuck and no. It was important to put as much distance between myself and you dicks in the media as was humanly possible.

"Oui, j'ai entendu parler des partisans qui criaient mon nom au Centre Bell... C'est réconfortant, c'est plaisant de savoir ça."

Yes, I heard about the Bell Centre fans screaming my name. It's nice and all, but where the fuck were those fans when I was leading the team to glorious losses to the Leafs in February? That was the time to scream my name. Could have maybe saved my job.

"Ça n'a pas fonctionné cette année, mais ce n'est pas à moi de dire ce qui s'est passé"

Yeah, Habs had a pretty shitty year. How am I supposed to know what went wrong? I was only the head coach.

"Est-ce que j'aurais fait quelque chose de différent? Pas quand j'étais là."

Would I have done anything different? Don't be ridiculous. Well, except maybe the losing.

"Mais je ne pense en avoir commis une (erreure) quand j'ai dit publiquement que j'étais à court de réponses. Ça, c'était plus de la frustration, parce que je devais répondre aux mêmes questions des journalistes trois fois par jour."

You dicks in the media and your repetitive idiotic questions are now haunting my dreams, and I was frustrated back then not being able to tell you to fuck off.

(re who was really responsible for his firing) "Je ne veux pas embarquer là-dedans. Je ne sais pas ce qui est arrivé, je vais peut-être chercher à le savoir un jour, mais pas maintenant."

I have no fucking clue what goes on in the minds of hockey executives. Some day, when I become a GM, I'll know.

(re his future plans) "Ce n'est pas moi qui vais choisir où je vais aller, a-t-il conclu. On verra. Mais je pense que j'aimerais être de retour derrière un banc la saison prochaine"

God forbid I get a job offer after the Habs crappy performance this year, I look forward to coaching next year in a place where the fans don't understand hockey. Then I'm sure I'll be successful.

The Flower has the answers - Oilers Game Preview and Open Thread

So the Habs will be playing the Oil tonight at 10 PM EST at Rexall Place. We all know about the Habs' woes, losers of 8 of their last 10. Oilers are fighting for their playoff lives, 10th in the West but just 3 points out of 6th. For a hilarious Oilers read, check out Black Dog Hates Skunks. I don't know who will play, and frankly, does it matter anymore? There are plenty of story lines (Souray!), but most of them involve how much the Habs suck.

Fortunately, yesterday Guy Lafleur spoke to RDS about the Habs', er, difficulties, and he knows what's wrong! He knows how to fix it! Remain calm, all is well! As is our custom, we happily translate Guy's comments for those unfamiliar with the language of Molière Mitsou.

"Le leadership commence au septième étage et descend jusque dans le vestiaire"
This ship is totally rudderless, and we are totally screwed.

"Selon moi, il y a des cliques dans cette équipe-là"
This team is not playing together and they seem to be fragmented. What they really need is a night out at the disco together.

"Si ces joueurs sont incapables de produire et d’aider l'équipe et bien qu'on les change."
Trade Kovy right fucking now.

"On peut les remplacer par ces joueurs dans les mineures qui veulent jouer et qui donneront leur 100% pour gagner le match"
Seriously, Kovy is giving like 15% out there. Back in my day, sure I gave only 15% on some days (mainly when I was hungover), but I had the team to cover for me. That Tremblay prick did whatever I told him.

(re the possibility the Habs will slip out of a playoff spot) "Il ne faut pas y penser!"
I'm freaking out at the thought. Can I bum a smoke?

Alex Tanguay Speaks, Calice 'Stie!

Yesterday Alex Tanguay gave an interview to RDS. As our usual public service, we are happy to offer up a translation for those of our readers who don't speak the language of Molière.

Le style que préconise le Canadien me va bien.
Mike Keenan is a prick who destroyed my career.

Je dois avouer que je n'ai pas encore pensé avec qui j'allais jouer. Cela reviendra aux entraîneurs.
I have full confidence that Coach Carbonneau will find me some decent linemates. I've heard that once he makes a line combination he sticks with it. Is that true?

Le Tricolore est une bonne équipe qui possède beaucoup de bons joueurs.
I'm just happy to be here, I hope that I can help the ball club. I just want to to give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out.

J'étais un grand partisan des Nordiques de Québec.
Habs Suck.

(re what number he will wear) J'aimerais beaucoup avoir le 13, mais je vais attendre encore quelques semaines.
When Mats Sundin gets that fence out of his ass, the rest of us can get on with our lives.

Breezer wants you to know he's not a pussy

Patrice Brisebois continues to suffer from pain in his foot, yet he wants you to know he's man enough to play through the pain. As has become tradition around these bilingual lawyer parts, we translate the Breezer's comments en français for you.

Il y a encore de l'enflure et c'est douloureux, surtout quand je marche.

Trans: My foot is as inflated as Pamela Anderson's tits, and I scream like a Norwegian death metal singer everytime I walk on it, but I have no fucking problem skating on it. Of course, I can't skate on a good foot, so what's the fucking diff?

Je veux jouer. Un athlète professionnel doit apprendre à jouer malgré la douleur.

Trans: I want to play. A pro athlete has to learn to play notwithstanding the pain. If only I was real pro athlete.

Aujourd'hui, j'étais dans le gymnase et j'ai invité Guillaume (Latendresse) à venir me rejoindre. Ca ne lui tentait pas vraiment. Mais une fois l'entraînement terminé, il était très content.

Trans: Today I went to the gym because I am bored out of my fucking mind. Guimauve came with me and we pumped each other good. He didn't want to go, but once it was over, he had a smile on his fucking face like Tom Brady after a night with Gisele.

L'équipe est jeune et les vétérans doivent montrer l'exemple.

Trans: I am totally losing my fucking job to Ryan O'Bryne and Josh Gorges. I've got to show those little pricks how to play D, the Breezer way. Then maybe I can get on the ice again.

Line Juggling 101: Carbo Explains Himself

Yeah, I'm gonna do what I want and you can't stop me, 'stie calice

So against the Isles and again at practice yesterday Carbo did some line juggling. Really? There's a surprise. As our usual public service from the FHF, we translate the coach's comments en français to the King's English.

On putting Guimauve down with Ryder and Smols:

Je n'ai pas remplacé Guillaume parce qu'il a raté des chances de marquer dernièrement. Il va en avoir autant avec Smolinski et Ryder.

Trans: Gui! is sucking as much as Amber Lynn in "American Cocksucking Championships 7." Did you see him miss that fucking wide open net against the Isles? His stick didn't even touch the fucking puck. I'm demoting that prick to the third line where he can rot in hell for all I care.

And on putting Higgins back with Koivu:

Chris se cherchait dernièrement et j'ai jugé le moment opportun, chez lui à Long Island, de faire le changement.

Trans: The guy was playing in front of his whole goddamn family and I thought I would give him a fucking break. But really, give me a fucking break. Three goals in his last 17 games? Time to rip that "A" off his fucking chest.

Je possède une belle marge de manoeuvre. Peu importe ce que je fais, on peut miser sur trois trios efficaces à l'attaque et fiables en défense.

Trans: I can do whatever the fuck I want and it makes no goddamn difference.

Ça me facilite la tâche, surtout à l'étranger, quand je veux accorder une surveillance étroite au meilleur trio de nos adversaires.

Trans: When we're on the road, I'm screwed without having the last line change. I have no fucking clue how we're winning. I've been watching the best opposing players very closely, and some of them are fucking incredible. Did you see that Ovechkin kid? I couldn't take my eyes off him. What moves! And that Sidney guy would look great in a Habs uni. Did you see him on the cover of Men's Fitness? Rowr!

Gainey's Take on the First 41

As the FHF takes its sweet-ass time to give you our first half of the season review (TMS told you, we're too busy with cheap stripper Mondays), Bob stepped to the podium to give his take. For those of you who don't read the French, we at FHF happily translate Bob's quotes for you. Please note his trademark calm demeanour may get lost in the translation.

Je vois que Guy (Carbo) est plus confortable derrière le banc cette saison. Les joueurs répondent mieux et ils sont plus disciplinés que l'an dernier.

Trans: What the FUCK is Guy doing back there? The looks on his face are fucking killing me. Deer in the goddamn headlights. One year as a head coach and you decide to turn into the dipshit Puppet Master? Give me a fucking break. The players are so confused they can't react, so they are like zombies. One more month of this crap and I'm taking over.

Nous ne pouvons pas compléter des rencontres en ne remportant que 25 ou 30 % de nos mises en jeu.

Trans: Can no one win a fucking face-off??? The puck drops, you put your fucking stick on it and pass it back to the player behind you. It's not that hard you asshole centers.

J'ai lu dans les journaux dernièrement que les bonnes prestations de Kovalev étaient liées à une rencontre que j'avais eue avec lui. Ce n'est pas le cas.

Trans: I can't tell Kovy shit. That guy is fucking crazy. Ever go up in his airplane with him? Don't. The guy has shitloads of vodka and a dead hooker up there.

C'est Alex qui a décidé de changer son attitude et de se prendre en main. Je suis content pour lui. Tout le crédit lui revient.

Trans: I'm scared shitless of that fucking bipolar maniac. Of course all credit goes to him. If I said anything else I'd get whacked like a hooker.