Monday, December 31, 2007

The Morning Skate for Monday, December 31st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Spengler Cup. C'mon, it's the dream of every kid growing up!
  • Habs play well with a short line-up, but come out on the wrong end of a Shanny OT goal to lose 4-3. I'm too depressed even to make all the Tits jokes I have. Habs do take 8 points out of a possible 12 on the road trip, so that's something. We may have more on this later today, we may not, as we all have early afternoon schedules of cleaning the house before the strippers arrive for the New Years Extravaganzzza;
  • Vancouver rides Luongo to a 2-1 win over the Ducks.

Enjoy your New Year's Eve everyone! Please learn a lesson from Warren Moon, Jim Leyritz et al and don't drink and drive.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Bullet Point Bonanza - The Sunday Brunch Game Day Skate & Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering how many bullet points HF29 can bullet into one post:

  • So much shit is going down, we're trying to be brief here;
  • Pats are perfect;
  • This is still a hockey blog;
  • For proof, scroll down to read Panger's excellent coverage of Habs draftees playing in the WJC;
  • Of course, mere mention of the WJC here may have jinxed Team Canada;
  • Leafs have goalie issues, Sean Avery suprisingly not killed by Canadian hockey fans;
  • Alex Ovechkin can score goals, and Sens have their own kind of goalie issues;
  • You say you like strippers? OK, here you go:

And the Habs bring the road trip to an end with a stopover at LaGuardia. This road trip has been sponsored by Molson and the FHF, bringing you bullet points since earlier in 2007:

  • 7 PM start, Madison Square Garden. Is it the last building left with no sponsor? How can I make jokes?
  • Pay your cover charge to The Dark Ranger. His avatar scares me;
  • Habs are 3-1-1 on the road trip so far, helping to tie the Sens for the most road wins in the East;
  • Rangers coming off decent wins against the Canes and the Leafs, and are starting to show their offense;
  • Habs have scored 5 goals in 2 straight games for the first time since, I don't know, 1979;
  • Hot sexy Habs - I told you, 5 goals in 2 straight, so everyone! Even Michael Ryder!
  • Huet and his league-leading .931 save % gets the start again;
  • Rhino's broken thumb gonna keep him out 6 weeks minimum, so Streit goes back to D and Chips gets back in the line-up;
  • Hot sexy Rangers - keep your eyes on players for hire Shanny and Gomez (who has points in 11 straight games). And feel free to boo Jagr at your TV;
  • Lundqvist (2.20 GAA and .915 save%) goes for the Blueshirts;
  • Enjoy the game, 'cause Habs don't play again 'til Thursday. Though the FHF are psyched for some outdoor puck.

I'm bulleted out. Let's hear your thoughts in the comments.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Canadiens' Contingent at the WJC

Unfortunately Kyle Turris wasn't drafted by the Habs, cause his mom his smoking (although this photo really doesn't do her fine MILF self justice).

One year after the Habs had 3 players play major roles for their respective teams, including the the tourny MVP the Habs again have 3 players in this year's edition of the WJC, albeit in much reduced roles. 2 of the three are now playing major roles for the Habs - TFS(tm) and Little Tits. Meanwhile, the last of the trio is not far behind - the Little Russian Tank, Pavel Valentenko, is learning how to low bridge forwards on North America size rinks in Hamilton.

This year's collection is not likely to have the same impact, at least in the short term. However, partly this is because all are young, being drafted in 2007, and are eligible to return next year where they may play bigger roles in Ottawa.

P.K. Subban (Canada), aka the (self-proclaimed) "Subbanator", earned the 7th spot on Canada's defence, mostly to play on the PP. The Subbanator has had a terrific season in Belleville so far, and has continued to show the foot speed and rifle from the point aht makes his offensive upside so exciting. Although only a depth player, this edition of Canada's defence corps is a deep group with a bright future, including the 4th overall pick in 2007 (T. Hickey) and two potential top 5 picks in '08 (Drew "Dough Boy" Doughty and Luke Schenn). We also can't wait for his big yap to get him in trouble for the first time with the Montreal Media, which may make him our own version of Ray Amery. Can't wait for his first interview with Chantal Macabee - "you know what they say about 'going black,' right Chantal?"

Yannick Weber (Switzerland) is another example of the Habs obsession with Swiss players. (I think Trevor Timmins must have a Swiss Mistress over there or something. Or maybe Aebischer's parents let Habs scouts stay at their place for free as payback for the unearned checks their son cashed last year.) The future Swiss Mister is playing on this side of the pond this season, and like The Subbanator, is an offensive defencemen in the OHL, with Kitchener. He's not very big (he is Swiss, after all), but he's got an edge, racking up 49PIM in 31 games. Sounds like another power play specialist to me, and probably will end up fighting with Matheiu Carle and the Subbanator for a blueline spot in a few years. Don't look for him to be too much of a factor at this Tourny as the Swiss don't have a strong team, but the experience will do him good.

Max Pacioretty (U.S. and A.) looks like he will someday earn "My Boy" status from the token FHF WOP (myself), plus he's hyped as the great white hope for as homegrown power forward. He's a few years away, playing college hockey in the States with Michigan, maintaining a point-per-game pace before leaving to join USA's WJC entry. Habs fans can only hope he follows in the footsteps of HF10's Boy Chris Higgins, along with Komo and Rhino. Although he was supposed to be playing on a scoring line, he has yet to notch a goal thusfar. Let's hope he's not waiting to score against Canada in the finals.

The Habs have to be disappointed that none of Ryan White ('06), Ben Maxwell ('o6), David Fischer ('06) or Ryan McDonough ('07) made their respective national teams. Maxwell was hurt and supposedly had a good shot at making the team otherwise. White is a grinder and Canada has lots of those on this year's edition of the team. But both Fischer and McDonough were first rounders, and the Habs have to be disappointed about other lower-drafted defenceman making the team.

Then again, after watching the Habs play of late with Guimauve, Little Tits, TFS(tm), Komo, Rhino, Big Tits, Chips, Pleks and Higgins all making contributions, we'll trust in Trevor Timmons and the scouting staff. It likes like the 20-year Curse of Doug Wickenheiser is finally over. Good times.

Miami Nice - Habs 5, Panthers 1

Yeah, yeah, I know the Panthers play in Sunrise now. Work with me here. Crockett and Tubbs rule.

Plan the parade - Habs beat the Panthers! That's something that apparently is hard to do. The season-killer road trip is now becoming a season-making road trip? Habs go 2 for 2 in Florida? Canadian snowbirds (seemingly more than half the Panthers biggest crowd ever) get rewarded for their chicken-shit hiding from winter.

Carbo's line-up du jour (ok, deux jours now) seems to be working out. All lines got involved (except maybe the Danse à 10, but they deserved a night off) and it was 5 on 5 for the second straight night. Ryder scored! I'll write that again 'cause I'm sure you don't believe it - Ryder scored! Habs score on their first 3 shots and while yes, Vokoun probably should have been yanked, none of them were really bad goals. That included Josh Gorges making the pass of the year on Ryder's goal to set up a beautiful 2 on 0. Tenderness continues to go to the net and gets one to give him 11 on the season. Koivu inspires with a flu-ridden solid performance. Suck on that, French media. Higgins turns his demotion to Line 4C into a positive with a goal and two helpers. Rhino lives up to his nickname and doesn't back down from about 3 different fights and throws his body around. We drool for his future. Kerry Fraser calls the elusive "triple minor" penalty for roughing; hilarity ensues.

The sky is falling - Habs coasting after the 3 early goals. Habs gave up 41 shots against, needing a sharp Huet in the 2nd and 3rd to keep the comfortable lead. When will the Habs goalies get rewarded with a shutout? (A: When dickwad ex-goalie TV announcers stop talking about them in the 3rd). Habs PP is beginning to struggle. Yes, we got one late but until then it totally sucked. I know we've made up for it with good 5 on 5, but at one point we couldn't even set it up in the O zone for 4 minutes.

And soon (ok, now) I will worry about the line-up. I don't like seeing Chips a healthy scratch, and eventually Bégin and Smolinski's salary will need to get back on the ice. That's a whole forward line we don't have room for. Maybe we can move one of El Dandy or Streit back to D and push Breezer that much further down the depth chart. Bears watching.

Chez Parée bound? You bet. We beat the mighty Panthers! That deserves a celebration.

Next evil, evil foe - the road trip comes to an end with the Rangers on Sunday night. Sunday night??? WTF? Since when do the Habs play Sunday night? That's whack. It's weird when there is no Saturday night game, but at least the FHF can focus on football and the Pats drive for history.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Here's a hot stripper and some bullet points. Hey, it worked last night. Panthers Game Preview and Open Thread

As you know, here at FHF we believe in The Streak. The Leafs male strippers, the plus-sized chicks for Caps games (I kid, I kid. They're done, I promise. Or are they?), and Habs sucking every time HF29 goes to a game. So one win in Florida with the bullet points means they're back tonight in hopes of another W in the Sunshine State. That, and I'm lazy 'cause I'm on vacation. And drunk, because I'm on vacation. OK, just drunk:
  • 7:30 PM start, BankAtlantic Center. I love these American sports sponsors that I have never fucking heard of. I still don't know what Chick-fil-A is, and I love college football;
  • TSN is doing the English broadcast honours tonight. And since Maguire is covering the WJC 6000 miles away, you can leave the earplugs aside. Or not, 6000 miles may not be enough;
  • Conveniently, we can head back to Southeast Shootout for your cover charge. The streak is strong!
  • Habs have earned 5 of a possible 8 on the annual season-killer road trip. It might need renaming (knock wood, yada-yada);
  • Of course, against the Panthers, Habs have lost 4 in a row and at least 45 out of the last 50 games;
  • That last bullet point may not be 100% accurate. I told you, I'm drunk;
  • Panthers have won 4 of their last 5;
  • Christo-Wall goes back-to-back;
  • To watch: Olli Jokinen, any Hab with "tits" in his name. And as Panger pointed out in last night's game review (scroll down), Guimauve has finally realized when you're his size and have quick, talented players on your line, you GO TO THE FUCKING NET;
  • Pat Hickey says Carbo's line-juggling makes him look like a genius, but we prefer to go with the "infinte monkeys typing at infinite typewriters" theory;
  • Still no word on tonight's line-ups (we miss Chips already), we'll update as the news comes in.

If you're not out getting your holiday drunk on, let's hear your game thoughts in the comments.

Bolts Boxing Day Bonanza: Habs 5, T.Bay 2

Tampa's less than dynamic goaltending duo of Johan Holmqvist and Karri Ramo gift-wrap a "W" and hand it to the Habs on a silver platter. Jay Feaster looks for a real number 1 goalie, and we hear he's trying to lure Kari Takko out of retirement.

Plan the Parade: Habs play well enough not to lose and earn points 4 &5 out of a possible 8 on their infamous Christmas road trip. Guimauve pots #10 on the year, and continues to display not only chemistry with Captain K, but also the realization that he will only score goals while standing within 2 feet of the crease. And there is nothing wrong with that - Owen Nolan has scored 371 career goals and they've travelled a combined 371 1/2 feet. AK27 scored again and still looks interested, to our continued astonishment. Maxim Magazine scores his first of the year, which really should have been credited to Bolts D-man Filip Kuba, with an assist to Holmqvist. Markov scores and is plus 9 in his last 9 games. Big Tits adds another. The Habs best forward since his promotion, Little Tits, adds an assist and continues to show he could play on a line with a chimp at center and a baboon on the other wing and still impress us. Young blueliners Rhino and Georges don't suck, and their presence means Patrice Brisebois is still locked in the truck.

The Sky is falling: Despite the W and the road points, let's not get too excited - remember those two late goals were brutal giveaways, albeit after the game was decided. More to the point, do you remember any great shifts or even plays? All I remember were Bolts tripping over their sticks and deflecting pucks past thier own goalies (and thanks again, Mr. Kuba). This win was more the result of the Bolts stinking up the joint than the Habs beating a legit opponent. Maybe T.Bay forgot it was a home game (where they have the best home record in the conference) due to all the ex-Queebs in attendance - including several top-heavy blonds in the row right behind the Habs' bench. The only time all season I've appreciated RDS' continuing coverage of the Various Angry Faces of Carbo. HF10's Boy Higgins gets a hee-yuge demotion to the third line, next to Maxim Mag and Milk Carton Mike - although it's better than My Boy Chips, who watched from the press box (although I'm convinced he took the time to pay a visit to the Lightning Girls "backstage"). Milk Carton Mike proves he could play with Gretzky at center and Mario Lemieux on the other wing and still manage to go minus-1, take a bad penalty and not score a point. Well, provided the aforementioned linemates were also wearing Habs jerseys. We all know that he'll pull a LeClair and score a goal and two assists in his first game against the Habs after he leaves, just like that little bastard, Mickey Ribs. Yes, we're still bitter.

Chez Paree Bound: No one really earned any lap dances last night - except for My [New] Boy Little Tits. Yeah that's right, I'm officially on the bandwagon. Plus, we're not letting the Habs out late due to the history of play again the next night.

Next Evil Foe: The freaking Panthers, who have the Habs number for some bizarre reason. Jacques Martin's bore-the-opponent-to-death system is the latest excuse, Eddie Belfour was the excuse last year, Roberto Luongo before that - none of which satisfactorily explain the Habs suckitude against this inept franchise. We'll take comfort in the fact that Youppi! could kick Stanley C. Panther's ass straight up and down the panhandle.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Habs Look to Get Reamed in the South - Lightning Game Preview and Open Thread

HF29 here, back from the land of the 56k modems and feeling fine. Of course, I haven't seen any of the last 3 Habs games, so I am totally not the right person to give you your game preview. AND I've been drinking already today. That spells trouble. So let's go to the bullet points for random stuff I've picked up from the interwebs over the last 10 minutes, plus the occasional lame snarky comment for your potential amusement:
  • 7 PM start, St. Pete Times Forum. I'd like 2 tickets in the lower bowl and a classified ad in the personals section, please;
  • For unknown reasons, CBC has a double header tonight. And the Habs are the 7 PM game! Nationally! Why are the Leafs not on?
  • Our hunt for southern hockey blogs continues. You can check out Southeast Shootout, which is at least 1/5 of a Bolts blog;
  • Habs are 1-1-1 so far on the annual kill-the-season road trip;
  • Bolts only 1-3-1 in their last 5 at home, though overall this year they have the East's best home record;
  • Huet between the stripper poles;
  • Hot sexy Habs to watch - how the fuck should I know? I told you, I've been out of town;
  • Well it looks like Little Tits is looking to pick up points in his 4th straight game, and Big Tits has nine points in his last nine games. Tits! Tits! Tits!
  • Speaking of tits, for post-game you should really check out Cleo's in Montreal. I had an experience there last night that would make even the FHF blush;
  • Hot sexy Bolts to watch - Lecavelier, St. Louis, c'mon, you know the drill;
  • Supposedly these are the lines for tonight: Koivu-Tenderness-Little Tits, Pleks-Kovy-Big Tits, Lapierre-Higgins-Ryder, Greek Lightning-Streit-Dandenault. Chips a healthy scratch;
  • Alrighty, then.

Dissect those lines and let's hear your game thoughts in the comments.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, December 27

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being a woman, I mean...., sexually harassed at Madison Square Garden.

  • A few days after we celebrate the birth of Lil Baby J, the Leafs offer us a new present by tanking in the dying seconds of a game again. Keep on giving, T.O.
  • Junior Canada begins its domination of Junior Human Beings.
  • Roger Clemens' anus isn't the only hole in his ass.
  • The Red Wings will be watching a flawless hockey player until 2010.
  • Habs return to action tonight to lose to the Lightning.

Rumor has it HF29 has returned from the land of Wirelessless. His mysterious absence on the blog leads us to believe that he has joined a covert operation intended to kidnap Mike Ribeiro, have him circumcised, bar mitzvahed, dressed as a Hasidic Jew and dumped in the middle of Karachi, Pakistan. Try getting out of that one, Mike.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Mickey Ribs Can Die. Might as well kill me too.

In the land of the 56k modems, there is no RDS. Thank God, 'cause if I had to watch the Dallas game I really might have killed myself.

The one advantage to the land of the 56k modems is AM radio stations (yes, I know, radio still exists) that come in perfectly clear at night from all over the U.S. I LOVE The Fan from New York (an actual good all-sports station, unlike, you know). Every 2o minutes they read all the scores. So at midnight I hear Dallas 4, Habs 1, with Mickey Ribs getting a goal and 2 helpers to lead the way.

Seriously, kill me.

Boxing Day Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of all your Christmas gifts being sold at HALF PRICE, GET THEM NOW, ONE DAY ONLY, AMAZING DOOR CRASHERS!!!!

  • The Junior Canadians inaugurate their ass spanking of Junior Planet Earth today.
  • Habs try to acquire Ovechkin at 50% off.
  • Gainey is told he can't obtain a refund for Michael Ryder on Boxing Day, it's too busy, he must return another day when it's more quiet.
  • That last bullet point made no sense whatsoever.

Hope you all get the deals you're looking for today even though we suspect this day was christened boxing day because the hoard of frantic shoppers makes you want to punch someone.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas Day Break

To all of you, a very Merry Christmas. Enjoy it to the fullest, except you, Mike Ribeiro.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Morning Skate for Monday, December 24

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being Leclaired in Dallas...
  • Team B (Bleh...) shows up in Dallas and gets a nice spanking.
  • I dump Patrick Elias in my pool; he responds with an OT winner against the Flames.
  • Some Christmas cheer can come in the form of a season ending injury for eye gouger Justin Williams.
  • A faint cry was heard in HF29's neck of the woods. Witnesses have said it sounded like a grown man sobbing. More later today.
  • One more to go...

The NHL pauses for the Christmas break. That guarantees the Habs won't lose in the next 2 days. In the meantime, I have to go find HF29 and make sure he doesn't decapitate himself with a do-it-yourself decapitation kit.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

HOWDY - Stars Open Game Thread

Waiting in line details - 8 PM (remember those old 8pm Saturday night stars at the forum?) start at Reunion Arena (named after the Carbo-Kirk-Bob Dallas homecoming). This is the only meeting between these teams this year, with the Habs holding a zero wins zero losses edge. Habs are looking to end their first of two consecutive 3-game road trips with 5 points out of a possible 6, and thus being less than grouchy asses around their families at Christmas.

Pay your cover charge to - Andrew's Dallas Stars Blog. Way to go Andy.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - A goal in a second straight game for Little Tits. Kovalev pout on a show last night, showing that he is probably the best puck handler in our beloved, yet imperiled universe.

Hot sexy Stars to watch - FHF has adopted a motion to boycott this section until further notice. We love HF29 and won't rub salt in the wounds.

Skanky Habs to watch - Mike Ribeiro shows very few signs of chemistry with Koval...uh..wait a second...OK. Ryder sits for his fourth straight game. Only as good as your last contract Mike. We said yesterday that Chris Higgins had lost a step. Ya, well it's still lost.

Skanky Stars to watch - For the shit numbers he put up in the last 2 seasons, Eric Lindros gets an honourable mention here. But American hero Mike Modano is starting to show his age with 22 points in 36 games.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Go to the Ewing ranch and ask Sue Ellen to take her clothes off for you. YEEHAWWW!

Alright let's hear your dirt dirty thoughts in the comments, cowboy.

Thrash Take Out the Trash - Sweet Georgia 3, Michael Bolton 2 (Le Shootout)

On a night during which the Habs deserved a better fate, the Thrasers steered the game into shaky ground for goaltender Cristobal Huet: the shootout.

We are starting to understand that the penalty shot is not Huet's forte. He has often be caught frozen on shots that whistle over his shoulder. Often times, he doesn't seem to have blinked on the play, let alone moved to attempt the save.

This was not the conclusion Alex Kovalev had sought after a wonderful performance on his part. Kovalev skated with imagination and played now you see it, now you don't puck handling with the opponent all night. His was a simply marvellous display of talent over the 3 periods and change of play.

Francis Bouillon was effective in thwarting any Kovalchuk threat. The amazing Russian wasn't given the room to spin his wheels. He manged a few dangerous shots but could not unleash his full fury with any consistency. Now there's a nice feat: the team stared both Ovechkin and Kovalchuk down, giving them only inches to strut their stuff.

It was 65 minutes of good hockey. Not much to complain about for the coaches. In the old days, it would have been a hard fought tie and the visitors would have left satiated. It was a game to build on, and provides the team with the enthusiasm brought upon by the prospect of finishing the first half of this six-game road trip with 5 points out of a possible six.

Unless the Stars in Dallas fail to align themselves accordingly.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Um.., Excuse Me, Sorry, WHAT THE HELL IS A THRASHER? Game Night Open Thread

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at Phillips Arena (not Phillip's Arena, I don't know of a Phillp who owns the place). This is the second of a six-game road trip and the Road Worriers will be at it again looking for a second straight win away from home. Atlanta is playing just under .50o hockey whether it be at home or on the road, which is a nice rendition of overall mediocrity. Giid for them.

Pay your cover charge to - BlueLand Blog. It's a blog. It's blue. Looks legit.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Guillaume Latendresse comes of a benching and produces a 2-goal effort against the Caps. Cristobal Huet comes off an injury/benching and turns in a fine performance. Kovalev continues to put points on the board with another 2 assists in Washington. The Tits brothers are proving to be a fine pair.

Hot sexy Thrashers to watch - Ilya Kovalchuk is giving Vinny the Cavalier a run for his money for the most dazzling player of the 2007-2008 season. He now has 28 goals and 18 assists for 46 points in 34 games. His jets are simply electrifying, with what must be the deadliest wrist shot in the game to boot. Kari Lehtonen is starting to play like another Kari (pronounced Carey) we know, with two straight wins. Newcomer, Saku penpal Mark Recchi, has 5 points in 5 games since arriving in Georgia.

Skanky Habs to watch - Chris Higgins has lost a step. Only Koivu seems to have been sparked by Little Tits' arrival on the first line. The Finding Ryder tragedy lives to see another day.

Skanky Thrashers to watch - Look, I would be happy with a 31-point player in Montreal at this time of the season, but those totals seem a bit off for Marian Hossa who has accustomed us to more. Go make love to a very sweaty animal, Slava Kozlov, with your dickball numbers, and thanks so very much for nuking my pool. Asshole.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Oh my, look at what's happening over at The Cheetah. Looks like a fancy restaurant with strippers. Excuse me, waiter, my blowjob's a bit cold, would you warm it up for me? Must have fast service at the Cheetah...Rrrar!!!!

Alright let's hear your dirt dirty thoughts in the comments. And please answer the question in the title while you're at it!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Habs win 5-2 Over Caps - but please, there's not enought booze in the world for us to tolerate more pics like the one from the last game preview

Most of the FHF watched last night's game through the bottom of a glass, mostly to drown out the mental image of HF29's game preview pic.

Plan the Parade: Habs win! Who cares that it was against the worst team in the East. Gimauve pots a pair, making Carbo look like a genius for sitting him an extra game in favour of Milk Carton Mike. Ditto Cristo-Wall, who looked every bit the No. 1 goalie last night in stopping 35 of 37 shots. We'll see if it gets him another start on Saturday. Little Tits gets his first career NHL goal, which hopefully earns him a trip to the dermatologist on the Habs tab. The Dance a Dix line again proves to be the de facto number 1 line, although at least Saks didn't do any Chris Simon impersonations last night. Georges and Rhino were still in the lineup, meaning Breezer was still locked in a truck parked somewhere in St. Leonard, God Bless the mafia (yeah yeah, I know I made that joke in the comments earlier this week, but it's still funny to me.)

The Sky is Falling: even with a win against the worst team in the East, the Habs are 4-18 on Christmas road trips over the past few seasons, so let's not get too excited - besides Alex the Gr8, Nylander and Semin, name another Caps forward. Exactly. Rhino made some miscues again, suggesting he's not quite ready to be anointed the No. 4 defenceman quite yet - but a couple of years down the road, we're excited to see the Twin Towers, Rhino and Komo, knocking forwards on their rumps in front of TFS(TM).

Chez Paree bound: sure, what the hell, it's almost Christmas. But be warned: we're not convinced the Fat Chick Stripper isn't coming back soon. Although we all pray HF29 just won't be able to bring himself to post another startling pic like that . I may need a rusty spoon to gouge my eyes out if that happens again.

Next Evil Foe: The Habs hope to avoid a Thrashing in Atlanta (haha...not). ATL ended a four game skid with a win over T.Bay and added second win by beating the Sens last night (sorry SLC). Although they're still under .500 and will be hard pressed to make the playoffs, at least they're not the Falcons.

Happy Birthday HF10!

Two blondes and a bottle of tequila are the only way to celebrate! Under the watchful eyes of Mrs. HF10...

The Morning Skate for Friday, December 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of not waking up with a hangover after your office holiday party. Let's do this quickly...

Ow, my head. TMS is off to the land of the 56k modems for the holidays, so HF33 will be taking over the morning duties next week. Merry Christmukkah to all!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Bring on the Ugliness - Capitals Game Preview and Open Thread

Here's the stripper the Habs deserve after the last piece of crap game.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the Verizon Center. Yes, I would like to save on my long distance! Habs own the second best road record in the East, so that's something, as they head out on the road for the next 6. Washington, despite sitting last in the East, are actually quite hot, 4-1-1 in their last 6 games and 7-4-2 since Bruce Boudreau took over as coach. AND they took the Red Wings to a shootout the other night. Habs could never say that.

Pay your cover charge to - both of the HLOG Caps representatives run awesome blogs, so let's double the cover tonight. Internet legend CapsChick runs A View from the Cheap Seats, and Shmee rocks over at Capital Addiction.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - hmm. Huet is back between the pipes. Though only 1-4-1 in his last 6, not really his fault. Captain K has 4 points in his last 3 games, and avoided the discipline of the NHL, which had used up its suspension game quota on Chris Simon.

Hot sexy Capitals to watch - Alex Ovechkin of course. Scoring machine with 24 goals already. Olie the Goalie is 15-12-4 with two shutouts, a 2.35 goals against average and a .921 save % lifetime against Montreal.

Skanky Habs to watch - Kovy played like the Kovy of old against the Panthers. Make a hold your breath move, lose the puck, and give up on the play. Good times.

Skanky Caps to watch - meh, not too many. I told you, they're hot.

Dancing on stage tonight - no fucking clue. Carbo promised line-up changes yesterday but wouldn't say what. We'll update as the news rolls in during the day.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - check out Archibald's. Their website says "if you can find the White House you can find Archibald's." I'm sure it was a favourite of Bill Clinton.

Alright let's hear your dirt dirty thoughts in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, December 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a white Christmas. Fuck that shit, TMS is sick of shoveling...
  • Chris Simon breaks his own record for suspension length, getting 30 games. I'm sure this one will cure him;
  • Look out for the Sabres, they win 2-1 over the Isles and are just 2 points behind the Habs with a game in hand.

Habs play the Eastern Confernce's worst team tonight. We can win, right? Right?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

We Now Return You to Our Regularly Scheduled Sucking - Panthers 3, Habs 2 Late Goals that Meant Nothing

Ever type "sucking" in Google image search? Here's a tip - don't do it at work.

Plan the parade - uh... uh...uh... DC HabsFan and I got drunk after being at the game. That was good.

The sky is falling - who remembers Leafs on Saturday night? Man, that seems like a lifetime ago already. This game had all the hallmarks of a classic suck-fest. Standing around, no skating, no offensive punch at all, leaving the goalie to the wolves, bad defensive position, the return of classic Kovy, fans mercilessly booing the team by the 2nd period (and rightfully so).

I think there was a period of about 6 hours in the first where we didn't have a shot on goal. I don't even think we were in their zone for a good 12 minutes of playing time.

Habs are supposed to be a fast skating team, right? Anyone, anyone? HA! Totally bullshit. Florida skated rings around us.

Some may complain about Price's little sojourn that led to the Panthers' second goal. But the fact was, I commended Price when he did it. He was trying to generate offence!!! When your goalie is the one trying to get the offence going, you know the period is not going well.

To top it off, apparently there was some scrum at the end of the game that may lead Koivu to get suspended for a cross-check. I'll be honest, I totally missed it. We got the hell out of dodge as soon as the horn sounded. We couldn't stay in that building anymore.

I could go on about the level of sucking, but as my holiday gift to you I'll stop.

Chez Parée bound? hahahahahaha

Next evil, evil foe - Habs head out on the annual killer Christmas road trip, starting with the Caps tomorrow. I am not optimistic.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, December 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the greatest pitcher of our generation / of all time denying / lying his ass off...

RIP, Don Chevrier. A true sports broadcasting great.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

"Ladies and gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Florida Panthers - Game Preview and Open Thread

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM at the Phone Booth, the usual media outlets. Habs have won 2 in a row! Including a home game! Panthers have won 2 out of 3 on their current road trip. This is the Habs last homer before heading out for the annual season-killer Chirstmas road trip. The only team in the NHL with a winning record against the Habs historically? The Florida Panthers. Seriously, it's true. Look it up. And that includes 5-1-1 in their last seven games against us.

Pay your cover charge to - Panthers Daily Puck. I think I have mentioned before they are the only Panthers blog, so here's another link for you guys!

Hot sexy Habs to watch - TFS(tm) gets his 7th straight start after he shoulda / coulda had a shutout against the Leafs (one last "Greg Millen, you fucker"), even though Huet is ready to go (goalie controversy alert!). The Koivu-Higgins-Little Tits line (nickname, smart FHF commentors, let's go) has 7 points in the last 2 games, including Sak's first goals in an eternity.

Hot sexy Panthers to watch - the Habs former goalie of the future Tomas Vokoun has a .923 save % and 2.54 GAA. Olli Jokinen is their only real offensive threat, with 17-16-33 on the year.

Skanky Habs to watch - we've won 2 in a row! We're great! Nothing's wrong!

Skanky Panthers to watch - Jozef Stumpel is plodding along with only 14 points and is -14.

Healing in the hot tub - Tenderness is a game time decision. Breezer still out (whew). Smols and Bégin still long-term-ish. UPDATE - Carbo said at the morning skate Tenderness won't play, and apparently he's pissed.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - in a previous post, I mentioned that Super Contact was the better version of it's more famous big brother, Super Sexe. I must now update that information after visiting SS last night for the 6th annual ex-RSS male lawyers Holiday Bonanza. SS is now a contact dance club, at $15, just like Super Contact. The hot dancers of yore are gone, leaving the skanks, just like Super Contact. But SS still has the free daytime hot buffet, so go for lunch!

Let's hear the Line 4B nickname suggestions and dirty game thoughts in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, December 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being a Minnesota Vikings fan...

Panthers in town tonight and TMS will be there, with special guest DC HabsFan, creator of the awesome FHF header. Wait til he sees the price of Molson Ex.

Monday, December 17, 2007

May Our Slow Smolinski and Begin Remain Joined at the Hip on the IR

Dear Habs,

If I could have but one wish, as Steve Martin once said, it would be for their bones to be brittle and their ligaments ACL, MCL, anyletterofthealphabetCL, torn.

Let the kids play.


The Morning Skate for Monday, December 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of finally winning one. Though TMS wishes they had gone 0-16 as karmic payback for those 1972 assholes...

Enough stalling, TMS has to shovel.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Plan the Parade: Habs Put Red Hot Leafs on Ice

The Leafs Bandwagon Runs into Montreal

Finally, the Habs put together three good periods against a streaking Leaf team and produce a no-doubt-about-it, didn't need the goalie to steal it win against a team that had given up two goals or less in 8 straight games. Praise the Lord and pass the snow shovel (seriously, have you looked outside?)

Plan the Parade: Everything, and I mean everything that could go right went right tonight. The Koivu-Higgins-Little Tits line terrorized the Leafs all night, and Koivu got two richly deserved goals to break his slump (special mention to Hal Gill ... even the bounces went Montreal's way). Kovy, Pleks and Big Tits played another solid game, making it harder and harder for Carbo to break them up. The penalty kill was excellent. Ryan O'Byrne and Josh Gorges pushed Breezer another game closer to retirement. Carbo put together four lines that did the job and let them finish it.
Little Tits looked very comfortable and may have solved the dilemma of who plays with Saku and Higgins. Carey Price stole another piece of MLSE's soul. The Habs played a blinder last night, gobbling up rebounds, snapping at Leaf heels on the forecheck and backcheck, finishing checks, and spending long shifts spinning Leaf defenders into the ice. This is the team everyone hoped we'd be watching all year.

Random thoughts that entered HF10's head because he wasn't fretting over the close score or cursing a blue streak:
Mad Max between El Dandy and the Swiss Mister won't ever be confused with the Punch Line, but they certainly are effective... If you don't enjoy watching Panger's Boy Chips play, you don't like hockey. I've seen him make one mistake all year. Seriously. One. He might be the smartest player in the league... Someone needs to ice Smolinski's front steps so he never comes back... TFS(TM) looks bored out there. Huet may be a $3.5 million back-up by New Year's... Komisarek/Markov Hamrlik/O'Byrne looks like a pretty damn good top four, and Little Frankie B and Gorges are just fine as the third pair, thank you... Al Strachan is depriving some village of an idiot.

The Sky is Falling: On a night when every bounce went Montreal's way, Michael Ryder still couldn't pot one. C'mon, hockey gods. Give the dude a break. Leafs badly outshot the Habs for the first two periods. As good as TFS (TM) can be, we'd like to not kill him before he can drink legally in the States. Strachan makes up crap about Carbo and Gainey not wanting Saku around. Hey, Al: piss off. There are enough fools in the Montreal press starting stupid rumours so save your hatchet for the Leafs. Price lost a shutout after big mouth Greg Millen said shutout on air. Man, just because you never had a shutout in your "illustrious" career doesn't mean you break the announcer's code. Someone started the "Hey hey, goodbye" chant with over eight minutes left. They should have their Canadiens fan privileges revoked for that kind of hubris.

Someone got tickets from the boss and will never, ever get them again:
There was a very fat man in a #41 Habs jersey right at ice level who stood up every time the puck was in his end. I feel I need to offer some Dr Phil-esque tough love here. My friend:

1. You're too fat to wear that jersey and I could see that from 550 km away in Toronto.

2. You're jumping up like a schoolgirl every time the puck is within 40 feet of you and you're IN THE
FRONT ROW. Try and act like you've been there before.

3. Your jersey has #41 on it. Either you really, really loved Jocelyn Thibault (so wrong) or that sucker has your name above the 41 (so very, very wrong). I can't even begin to calculate the number of violations of the "grown man at a sporting event rules" you're breaking. I'm guessing you used to bring your glove to Expos games.

Chez Paree Bound? Everybody in, drinks on the house, lap dances till close, and take a girl home with you when you go! Best game the Habs have played in months, and it came against the Leafs. Hoo-rah. On a more serious note, save a chair in perverts row for Bryan McCabe; I don't like any Leaf, but breaking your wrist in three places sucks and he'll need cheering up. Speedy recovery so there's no excuses in Toronto come springtime.

Next Evil, Evil Foe: The 35 cm of snow in your driveway. Florida comes a calling on Tuesday.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

(resisting urge to make "Leafs all wet" joke) - Game Preview and Open Thread

I almost hope we lose so we can get rid of the damn male stripper streak. Almost.

Three posts on a Saturday? What's wrong with us? Scroll down for some awesome Leafs bashing from HF10 and a link to Kovalev flying. 'Cause that's more than enough, let's dive right into the bullet points to rev you up for Bob Cole and Harry Neale.
  • Game is 7 PM at the Phone Booth, where the last Habs victory came when I was still not wearing a jacket;
  • Seriously, 6 straight losses at home;
  • That's alot;
  • Leafs hot, winning 5 of their last 6;
  • Your cover charge goes to Die Hard Blue and White;
  • TFS(tm) in nets after stealing the last two against the Leafs according to PPP;
  • His opponent will be Toskala, who is 6-1-0 in his last seven games and allowed two goals or less in all of 'em;
  • Ryder gets his chance again (though on Line 4C), back in the lineup thanks to Tenderness' "upper body injury" from the Flyers game;
  • Also still on the limp are Bégin & Smols, but Huet will at least be on the bench. Goodbye Halak, we hardly knew ye;
  • Mats Sundin is in the top 10 in league scoring. The top Hab (Kovy) is 53rd;
  • On the other hand, Habs PP best in the league, Leafs 27th.

That's enough talk. Let's see some action, and your thoughts in the comments.

You Stay Classy, Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment

So it's no secret we dislike the Leafs, and their fans, and the sometimes sketchy treatment they receive from the NHL. But you can now definitely add another group to the list. We hate Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment, the parent company of the Leafs, Raptors, Marlies, and Toronto FC.

Easy, right? Not really. We quite enjoyed the falling on their own sword act that MLSE was playing out over the past few months. We liked it when they hung their own GM out to dry. It brought back memories of the good old days of Harold Ballard, the MLG bunker, and dissing the Queen. I could almost hear Milt Dunnell and Jim Proudfoot losing it all over again. It was glorious. We let other commentators at the Star, the Sun, the Globe, the Post, and all over the internet hammer the Leafs and their ownership over record profits and the seeming disinterest in actually building a championship team at the expense of lining their pockets. Life was fine.

But MLSE couldn't leave well enough alone. They had to sink deeper into the muck. In the words of Inigo Montoya, "let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up":

Last Sunday, I attended a charity event in support of an organization called World Playground Project (interesting concept, great cause, dedicated volunteers ... check out their website for more details). It was a great event, highlighted by a raffle and silent auction full of great stuff ... his and her Fossil Watches, wine tastings at Niagara Wineries, an iPod Nano, Tom Thomson Group of Seven Paintings, Theatre tickets, stays at the Royal York and Drake hotels, etc etc etc. Sponsors and donors came through in spades. MLSE donated something too.

Leafs tickets? No.
Raptors tickets? Uh, nope.
Jersey? No.
Tour of the ACC? Hell no.
Toronto FC tickets, maybe? No.
Hats? Sweatshirts? Maybe an autographed stick? Guess again.

The all powerful, richer than rich, we-make-money-hand-over-fist parent company of the Leafs donated one (framed) 8x10 autographed photo of Toronto Raptor backup Joey Graham.

Ahem. Joey. Fucking. Graham. Joey "I average 6 points a game for my career" Graham. (For those of you who aren't fans of Dr Naismith's game, 6 points ain't good. At all.)

Not Mats Sundin, or Darcy Tucker, or Tomas Kaberle or Bryan McCabe or even Wade Belak. Not tickets, or a stick, or even a poster sized shot. Nothing from the team that owns this city like no other. MLSE could have stepped up and made this charity a fortune with one simple gesture, because anything with a Leafs logo would have resulted in a bidding war of epic proportions. Can you imagine the checkbooks flying as people tried to get an item with Mats Sundin's autograph three weeks before Christmas? Instead, MLSE tossed a picture of Joey Fucking Graham to the little charity and turned back to its big pile of money.

I know they didn't have to donate at all (insert "they pretty much didn't donate at all" joke here.) I know they probably get requests like this everyday. But an organization that big, that rich, and that important to the city needs to do better, and it doesn't. MLSE acts like it doesn't care. Shame on them.

Not to compare (oh, who am I kidding, this is totally to compare) MLSE and Les Canadiens, but back in school we had a charity event called SkitNite that also featured a silent auction. The Habs sent a jersey autographed by THE WHOLE FUCKING TEAM. Granted, it was possibly the worst Habs team in the past fifty years ... but still:

MLSE: Autographed 8x10 of Joey Fucking Graham.
Habs: Jersey autographed by whole fucking team.

Advantage: Canadiens. Goes to show that whatever happens on the ice or the boardroom, form is temporary. Class is permanent.

If only we had such a decided advantage on the ice.

The Game Day Skate for Leafs-Habs Saturday Night

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Vesa Toskala on a shutouot streak...

K I'm off to find the perfect male stripper for the game tonight. Ugh.

Friday, December 14, 2007

City of Brotherly Love: Team Big and Little Tits 4, Team with No Tits 1

There’s something about these Philadelphia Flyers that brings out the best in the Montreal Canadiens. The teams’ first game in what was an unceremonious first appearance at the Bell Centre for homeboy Daniel Brière, since his non merci, Montréal, proved to be nothing more than a cake walk for the Habs.

This time around, the Habs playing in the comforts of away from home, delivered another nearly perfect performance as the Flyers were quickly left behind, trying to discern between their anuses and their elbow pads.

The Road Warriors controlled this one from the start, while the Flyers' grasp on the game proved weaker than Renaud Lavoie’s translation skills. It was everything a coach wants to see. Special units delivering 110 pourcent on the dollar (US or CAD, take your pick), reliable, if unflashy, goaltending, responsible coverage in the defensive zone. All this contributed to the Canadiens mounting a 4-0 lead on the road and smiles across the boards.

The Habs’ first line was invigorated by mother’s milk with Little Tits providing an extra spark that had long gone missing in the Finding Ryder story. The Kostitsyn brothers toasted their first NHL game together by combining for a Sergei fancy pass between the legs to Andrei, in a play the two must have practiced many a times in Novopolotsk, Belarus not too long ago. While it didn’t result in a goal, the play left fans in anticipation of more brotherly chemistry. Coach Carbonneau sped that process up by seeing what the two could do on the power play together.

In his first NHL game, Litte Tits did just fine and looked far more comfortable and confident than now-Bulldog Grabovski.

Now we are left to wonder what this all means for Michael Ryder. He and his agent will soon find the right answers to that question, but if Ryder wants to play on this team he may have to settle for a spot on the Chipichura, Latendresse line, which may make sense if Ryder can find anything that resembles his past form. That kind of line can be for the Habs what the defunct Getzlaf, Penner, Perry trio was for Anaheim.

Team management may already have thrown in the towel tough on this player who never saw fit to sign for anything longer than a breath in Montreal. By all accounts, Ryder’s days in Montreal appeared to be numbered. In any event, if Sergei K’s feature presentation was a sign of things to come, Carbo will be hard pressed to take him off the first line.

This was the kind of breakout game that provides fans with the respite needed when on the verge of signing off. A couple of beautiful tic, tac, toe plays made it a fun three periods to watch in a game that saw Carey Price relegated to more of an insurance role than anything else.

Marc Streit’s two goals were another testament to an everything going right on this night type of game.

And what about Brière? I’ve seen fruit flies look more apparent on an elephant’s ass.

The Morning Skate for Friday, December 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of seeing your name in the Mitchell Report...
  • Habs win! Play decently! I know you don't believe it, but it's true. More later today;
  • Oil end Wings winning streak, though it took a shootout to do it;
  • Heatley scores, Spezza scores, Sens win, yada yada, they're back to normal;
  • Flames score 9 goals and win. I miss the days when the Habs could score 9;
  • TMS has decided to follow Mickey Ribs a little closer just to torture myself. Last night? 2 goals and 2 assists in a 4-1 win over the Kings. For the mathematically challenged, that means he was in on every goal. Kill me;
  • Habs draftee The Subbanator makes Team Canada. Our resident World Junior expert Panger (look for him in Ottawa next year!) will have some analysis of the roster for you one of these days.
All hail the Tits Era in Montreal!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Little Tits is/are in the House - Flyers Game Preview and Open Thread

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start, Wachovia Center. See a game and get investment advice in one place! The usual media outlets. Habs on the road, we have a chance. Habs won the first one this year vs. the Flyers 5-2, with Greek Lightning getting the winner (really!). Flyers coming off a huge 8-2 win in a Battle of PA. Habs have won just 2 of their last 8.

Pay your cover charge to - eager to go psycho. Awesome name! After befriending the other Flyers' HLOG, flyers.femme, we are pleased to make the acquaintance of her sister-in-arms. Please don't go psycho on us! Or maybe do, we might enjoy it.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Little Tits!!! Wooooooo!!! For those of you just joining us, Sergei Kostitsyn joins big brother Andrei with the big club. Of course, Carbo will bury him on Line 4D, or maybe the actual D, so he'll totally be a bust. TFS(tm) looked back to being his unflappable self against the Bolts.

Hot sexy Flyers to watch - Mike Richards leads the team in goals, assists, and points, and is signing a big contract extension. Danny Brière has 32 points, just 2 back of Richards. In the aforementioned Battle of PA, Joffrey Lupul notched a hat trick and had six points, and R.J. Umberger added three goals and five points.

Habs at the massage parlor getting "work" done - Huet is getting close to returning but not quite there yet. Bégin (boo), Smolinksi (yay!) and Breezer (thank fucking god) are all limp with various injuries.

Answer a trivia question, win a lap dance - with the Tits brothers playing on the same roster, name the last brothers to suit up for the Habs at the same time. No using the interweebs to check.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Cheerleaders Gentleman's Club. If the dancers are half as good as the Philly Eagles Cheerleaders, we may cash in an IRA and head down there.

Comments, game, yada-yada...

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, December 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of fried chicken in prison...
  • Ding Dong, Breezer's dead! Well not really, but he is injured. Woohoo! And all hail Little Tits! Scroll down for yesterday's late breaking personnel moves in advance of tonight's Flyers tilt;
  • Sens dominate Canes, proving how much Habs suck;
  • Alex Auld wins his 3rd straight for the Bruins. Great, Alex Auld is hot;
  • Buffalo makes the East standings even more clusterfuckish by beating the Isles.
Happy Birthday, Bob Gainey! We'll see you at the strip club, buy you a drink and a lap dance.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Is This The Face Of Our Saviour??

Little Tits is (are?) coming to town! Following on the heels of the announcement of long-term injuries to Smokes and Begin, the Habs recalled Big Tits' little brother, Sergei, from the farm today. By all accounts a more well-rounded player than his older brother, but with less pure skill - because, you know, why would the Habs need more skill? Let the hype and ensuing disappointment begin.

In even better news, Breezer is on the limp. It'll be interesting to see if Little Tits gets a shot up front with Streit moving back to the blueline or whether Josh Georges will take Breezer's spot. Not sure a blueline with two virtual rookies (Georges and Rhino) is a great idea against the Flyers and 6-point man Joffrey Lupul. Then again, nothing is worse that The Breeze on a cold night in Philly.

Screws Coming Apart In Montreal: Bolts 3, Nuts 2 (Le Shootout)

The Habs can't win at home. The Lightning can't win on the road.

So the Lightning won on the road. Simple enough.

In the variations of Habs losses of late, fans have been far too accustomed to shellackings or end of game collapses. This bout featured a different flavored defeat. A floral scent could be detected in the Bell Centre. A silver lining adorning a glass half full.

This time, the team may seek solace in the fact that they, for once, scored late in the third to send it to overtime. They pressed hard in the extra frame to come out of this home funk, but to no avail. The lack of true game breakers in Montreal is starting to wear on a team that has threaded through an infinite calculation of line combinations to come up with 3 goals a game.

The goals come in Montreal. That isn't where the issue lies. The problem is that it has become increasingly hard to predict the source of the offense on any given night. Coach Carbonneau stated at the start of the season that this is a 26-player deep roster.

He was dead wrong.

26-player deep translates into 4 balanced lines producing regularly with a couple of caged lions pacing feverishly, waiting to be summoned into action.

In Montreal, we have been accustomed to the rotation of the hot line. It will be the Kovalev line's turn to light it up, only to pass the baton over to a dead cold Koivu line. The Canadiens are not a four-headed python. It's an interchangeable head operation. One takes over, while the other one rests.

It doesn't work. As soon as the opposition cues in on the "performing line", they neutralize them and slowly take the game away from the Canadiens. Last night was a perfect example. Kovy-Pleks-Tits had a lot of jump. Kovalev created room for himslef, sent passes through narrow corridors, stick handled himself out of tight checking pressure. Alas, the rest of the team lacked the dedication. If Higgins tried to follow the Kovalev lead, his linemates were not as inclined. Dandenault on the first line is an experiment that baffles the purist. While he showed he can skate with Koivu, his presence on the line is a flagrant contradiction of the 26-man deep assessment in October; there are no forwards on the farm and no healthy scratches that can grab a spot on this team.

Defensemen are converted into forwards. Pure offensive minds (Grabovski) are quarantined on the fourth line. The balance has been sucked right out of the Canadiens.

Vincent Lecavalier's team may not be sitting atop the standings, but the Bolts make hockey sense. So much so that you have no difficulty foreseeing them mounting a surge during the second part of the season, when the truly gifted teams gel and come to play.

Last night, Tampa's road woes were not as apparent as anticipated. Then again, the opposition wasn't exactly the homecoming queen. Lecavalier fired a bullet from the point that sees him fighting Brett Hull for the best one-timer in the game title. Richards' shooutout winner was as good a direct strike you'll ever see on a penalty shot. There are so many options on this Tampa team that they can ride past the average goaltending in the regular season and make the playoffs.

Options. Montreal Canadiens. Running out of them.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, December 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being carried off the court in a stretcher...
  • Habs lose. At Home. Again. To the worst road team in the league. Sky, meet the top of my head. At least we got a point. More later today, if we can stomach it;
  • It's not all bad news, as Brian Smolinski is out 6 weeks. On the bad news side of the injured list, Bégin is out 2-3 weeks;
  • Iggy pulls a Flames win out of his ass;
  • Oil beat Blues 5-4. Wow, 5 goals! Is that how you play hockey?

Cheer up everyone! we moved from 8th to 7th place with that point.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Habs Look to Take it Up the Ass Again - Lightning Game Preview and Open Thread

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM, Bell Centre. On TV: the magical RDS / TSN HD double double. The usual radio. Tampa coming off a drubbing at the hands of the Leafs last night. Check the new "Habs suck" section below for all your streak info about the Habs.

Pay your cover charge to - as MYFO pointed out today, there do not appear to be any active Lightning blogs. Hockey not successful in Florida? Thats un-possible!

Hot sexy Habs to watch - I guess Higgins is the only one who might fit here, with 6-3-9 in his last 10 games. That's about it. 9 year old hockey players have more goal-scoring talent than this lot.

Hot sexy Lightning to watch - Vinny Lecavalier leads the league with 45 points.

Skanky Lightning to watch - Johan Holmqvist was pulled from the TO game. Let's hope he doesn't rebound. Internet scuttlebut has either St. Louis or Richards being traded, possibly to the Habs. Lightning are (is? I never know which to use for those singular team names) the worst road team in the league this year.

Habs Suck - The "Skanky Habs to watch" feature has been replaced with the more succinct "Habs Suck" feature. Let's go to the bullet points to establish the level of suckitude, shall we?
  • Habs have lost 5 straight at home;
  • Habs have been outscored 21-8 during that span;
  • Habs have a 2-5-1 record in their last 10 games;
  • We've tumbled from 4th to 8th in the East as a result, and we're a mere 3 points out of 12th;
  • Captain K has one goal in his last 17 games;
  • The Franchise Saviour (tm) was pulled after 2 periods in the last game, but will start tonight as Huet has yet to massage his groin sufficiently for it to be healed;
  • El Dandy is now on the Habs allegedly "first" line. (cranky old man alert) Not quite Shutt-Lemaire-Lafleur now, is it?

Alright that's enough. Let's hear your complaints in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, December 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of writing as well as the MYFO guys now writing Deadspin's NHL Closer...
  • Great, just great. Leafs crush Lightning 5-1, catching up to the Habs in the standings AND pissing off tonight's opponent all at once. Just fucking great;
  • Alex Auld now dominating for the Bruins, stopping 44 shots en route to winning his 2nd straight, 4-1 over the Sabres;
  • Wings win again, now 7 in a row, 2-1 over the Preds. Yawn. They're this month's Senators;
  • Dallas beat the Oil in OT. At least Mickey Ribs didn't get the game winner.

Will the Habs ever win again at home? Find out tonight in the next episode of Sucking Chez Nous.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Good Old Days: 1986

The Good Old Days is a new feature on FHF where we remember the good old days. You know, 'cause we suck now. Now get off my lawn.

I was trolling around the U-tubes and found the video above. I've written about my role in the 1986 Stanley Cup riot before. But I had totally forgotten that the parade got out of hand too. Good times.

That's it. We now return to your regularly scheduled ranting.

The Morning Skate for Monday, December 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of this past weekend...
  • Habs suck. The year I buy season tix they have the 27th best home record in the league. That's not good. The weekend saw the Habs tumble from 4th in the East to a virtual tie for 9th, barely holding on to a 2 point lead over the LEAFS.

TMS doesn't feel like writing anymore. If you need something to read, scroll down to Panger's game review. Despite the phallic photo, it's a quality rant.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

This Number 9 Ain't So Great for the Canadiens - Canes 5, Habs 1

Just like after losing to the Leafs, FHF refuses to put up strippers after performances like that. Anyone who notices any phallic imagery, well, I guess that's a reflection on you.

The Carolina Hurricanes (yes, we will cease referring to them as the Whalers after last night drubbing) walked into Montreal last night and won their ninth straight on Hab ice. Maurice Richard is rolling over in his grave, God Bless him. Let's hope the sky is still blue in Montreal, cause allot of prices of it fell last night. But before we get to a detailed analysis, because that is gonna take a while, here's the game in a nutshell:

Habs player 1: you feel like working tonight? Those Canes can skate.

Habs player 2: Not really, lets mail this one in and head over to Super Sex.

Habs Player 3: Sounds good. Besides, Cam Ward is God on Bell Centre ice. I just pissed my pants thinking about him.

Carolina Players: We'll take the two points from you, gents. And your strippers.

Patrice Brisebois: I like cake!!

The Sky is Falling: Oh, where to begin. After the game, LG77 and hubby blamed Carbo, and that's as good a place to start as any. While coaches often get to much blame (and credit) for their teams' play IMHO, Carbo has to accept some blame for the Habs coming up so flat in a Saturday night game against a foe who must have had at least one eye on the next afternoon's game against the Best Team In The NHL (sorry SLC), the Detroit Hot Wings. No passion. No emotion. No FUCKING hitting. When Greek Lightening straightened out Cory Stillman at the Canes blue line with 5 minutes left in the 2nd, it was the first time I saw a Hab intentionally lay the body on a white jersey.

LG77 argues that Carbo's defensive system is so complicated and the players so wound-up worrying about making a mistake that the inevitable result in crappy-ass play like last night. I responded by saying that I could only agree if I figured out what system she was referring to - skating in circles and making crisp passes onto opponents' sticks doesn't sounds like a system I've ever heard of.

But Carbo wasn't the one who has his pocket picked in the neutral zone because he was taking his sweet-ass time making a play (hi there, Chips), or provide his man - who happens to be known to everyone in the province as a Hab-killer - with a ten-foot cushion in the defensive zone on the ensuing turnover (Mr. Hamr, please stand up), or fail to come up with a tough but not impossible save (more on The Franchise Saviour (tm) later). Nor was it Carbo who lost a faceoff in the defensive zone leading to a goal 3(!?!) seconds into a PP (sorry Pleks, otherwise you played ok). It also wasn't Carbo's fault that Swiss Miss Streit gift wrapped a pass to the Canes, leading to yet another turnover and yet another goal. I'm no cultural expert, but I have never heard of Christmas arriving early in Switzerland. It my have been his fault for Breezer letting Cole get in behind him for a breakaway minutes after Hamr's miscue, if only for allowing Breezer on the ice in a Habs uniform. In case I was being too subtle, Patrice Brisebois sucks. Most likely something shaped like the above picture, I should add.

The only serious complaint I have about Carbo is for pulling Price in the third. The boy is 20 years old, don't fuck with his ego. And don't feed the fans a line about resting him for Tuesday - he's 20, if he can't go all night on two days rest he is a lesser man that I was at that age. Or say it was about "sending a message" to your players - perhaps you should have sent a message BEFORE the debacle began. All Carbo is doing is messing with the future of the franchise's confidence - during the anniversary week of the Habs giving away their last franchise player, no less. As much as it usually doesn't seem that way, I'm sure the Iceman does have feelings underneath that cowboy mask. Plus, it's not like Halak stood on his head in the third. One good glove save isn't going to inspire his teammates, especially when he gave up a weak one on the Canes last marker.

That being said, The Franchise Saviour (TM) was clearly outplayed by Damn Cam Ward. It seems that Price is great on saves which require him to move and/or anticipate, but when he is planted he gets beaten on shots from the slot, which leads to questions about how deep in his net he is playing (and may eventually lead to questions about his reflexes). Example: Cole beat Price in the first goal on an opportunity that resembled a chance Higgins had on Damn Cam late in the third. Damn Cam came up with a relatively easy save as he was aggressive in challenging Higgs. Obviously it's too early to get down on The Franchise Saviour (TM), and we haven't forgotten last week's game against the Leafs, but the fact remains we were out-goaltended last night.

LG77's remaining venom was spewed in the direction of the officiating. Lopsided powerplays (with even-up calls going for the Habs only after the game was decided - and somehow one got the feeling the officials pitied the Habs at that point in that embarrassment of a game). So while I see her point, I can't offer up the Habs a convenient excuse like reffing. While I still don't understand how the Swiss Miss's goal can be overturned when the refs called a goal and numerous replays did NOT show any conclusive evidence of a kicking motion (it looked like a deflection at most, which is allowed), and RDS even reported that the Canes broadcasters were surprised it was disallowed, it wasn't responsible for the loss. Plus, the Cane's disallowed goal in the third (albeit at a time when both teams were just trying to find a way to deplete the remaining seconds on the clock) was a blown call as well. Kovalev clearly knocked the feet out from under Halak, not the Canes forward.

An argument could also be made that the 2/5/10 given to Komo after Scott Walker nailed him from behind into the boards was bullshit. How can Komo get the instigator when he's driven face first into the boards AND Walker drops the gloves first? Incredible.

But again, the officials didn't lose this game for the Habs. They had 6 other defensemen plus Breezer on the bench, even with Komo in the box. The bottom line is that nothing in the rest of the game gave the slightest indication that the Habs were interested in fighting for lose pucks, battling along the boards, or even skating with the Canes - refereeing and coaching be damned.

Offensively, the first line had two good shifts, and both resulted in Canadiens' power plays. Beyond that, zilch. HF10's boy Higgins (he's not My Boy after games like last night's) has been watching Kovy in practice too much, and thought he could dipsy-doodle like AK 27. In reality, the Canes knocked the puck off his stick an estimated 973 times last night. Milk Carton Micheal still couldn't score if he strapped dynamite to his chest, cried "Long Live the Ayatollah", blew himself up in a crowded market, and was granted his harem of virgins in the after life.

As for Saks, P.J. Stock had an interesting observation on HNILeafLand After Hours last night: he thinks Saks feels betrayed by the City and has lost the fire that drove him in years past. I want to believe that is untrue, if only because Saks should be revered as a god in our city for all he has done. But his play on the ice suggests otherwise. Just like his team, no passion, no emotion, no hitting.

RDS suggested that being outhustled was only part of the problem, that the Habs don't have the talent of Carolina. But I think (on paper) the goaltending is even, the Habs defense a little better, and the Canes forwards a little better, so I'm not ready to agree with Pierre et Yvon's assessment yet. But that doesn't mean GM Bob shouldn't be going after a No. 1 center and a top-six winger. Sooner rather that later, Bob. We're panicking here. At least the Leafs winning streak is over, or we'd really be freaking out.

Plan the Parade: Kovalev played pretty well, looked interested, created a little on offense (which is a whole lot more than most of his teammates), and was even seen covering a white jersey in the defensive zone. Ditto Big Tits, who potted the Habs lone goal off a terrific pass from Kovy. The Chips-El Dandy-Gimauve line was probably our most energetic, but of course that's not saying much.

LG77 thought Rhino and Max were our best players because "Carbo hasn't had a chance to fuck up their confidence with his system yet." I watched Rhino closely and he played pretty well, but in limited action, even with Komo in the box. Nor did I think Max had a big impact, although he didn't stink either. But if they are our best players, the Habs will be golfing sooner rather than later.

Chez Paree Bound: no waiting in line, no cover, and free lap dances for the whole team. Obviously we're talking about the Canes. No wonder Eric Staal told Chantal Macabee that he loves playing in Montreal. Well, that and that pancake-faced MILF offered him a hummer in the parking lot after the game. Truth be told, we'd hit that too, Eric.

Meanwhile, Breezer is providing the lap dances in the Habs dressing room.

Next Evil foe: I think we can all assume we'll be losing to the Lightening on Tuesday, what with Lecavalier and St-Louis returning to their home province. At least we can look forward to a few days of trade rumours about those two from lame-brained hockey "experts" like 110%. Although who am I to question the report that Tampa will take Max, Breezer and a draft pick for Marty.

Excuse me while I look up the number of a good lobotomist.