Never fuck with a winning streak - Leafs preview and open thread

Look, if a wet shirtless actor stud was responsible for victory the last time we played the Leafs, I am not gonna be the one to step on the streak here. Apologies to you ladies if this is not to your liking, but from the reactions of my female friend I used to watch Lost with whenever Sawyer appeared shirtless, this should be alright.

I would replicate the style of LG77's preview to really not fuck with the streak, but Josh Holloway's resume is pretty thin compared to Hugh Jackman. We'll have to make do with the old-fashioned stripperriffic format.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start from the Bell, on TSN-Habs and some Sportsnets, but who knows which ones and what blackouts will be in effect. Possibly on in other places, but you didn't here that from us. Tronna 6-2-2 in their last 10, they're the GREATEST TEAM IN THE UNIVERSE. Teams have split four so far this year, with the home team winning all the games. According to TSN/CBC, the Leaf is in the playoffs and will win two rounds before an illegal Flyer hit takes out the best Leaf player (TBD) and robs them of the Stanley Cup. In all seriousness (ha!), they really are only 6 points out of 8th in the East with a game in hand. Ugh.

Pay your cover charge to - We've barely had any interaction with PPP lately. Sometimes, mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore and grow apart.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Hysterically, the Faceoff preview page lists absolutely no one as hot. I'm really not one to argue, though plenty of Habs (PFK, DDD, TFS, TITS TITS TITS) played well against the Nucks.

Hot sexy Leaves to watch - James Reimer is the GREATEST GOALIE IN THE UNIVERSE. Ke$$elTracker says Phil is the GREATEST FORWARD IN THE UNIVERSE. Brian Burke is the GREATEST GM IN THE UNIVERSE.

Skanky Habs to watch - PleXXXe pointless in 3, but he ain't no skank. I guess we'll see what Mex does tonight. He's always a candidate for skank.

Skanky Leafs to watch - Grabs pointless in 3, meaning he's sure to have a big breakout night tonight.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - Literally TFS, as his late night drinking has him benched in favour of Big Bald Alex Auld. This preview says Jaro 2.0 has gone on IR. Is that true? News to me. DarCHe is nursing a tweaked groin. With Jiggy and Gustavsson both hurt, GREATEST GOALIE IN THE UNIVERSE will start. Colton Orr is concussed.

Post-game adult entertainment - to make it equal for the guys, here's Sawyer's love (well, one of them) Kate taking her clothes off in the water.

See you bitCHes in the comments

Habs need a slumpbuster... Habs vs. Leafs Preview and Open Thread

Wow? Three losses in a row, eh?

So much for consistency... This whole great-month-followed-by-shitty-month pattern that they're setting is really starting to get on my last nerve.

So before things get completely shitty like they were before the December Road Trip of Death, behold the Habs slumpbuster for tonight's game.

The way I see it, they need all the help they can get. A fourth defeat in a row, at the hands of the Fugly Leaf no less, would be unacceptable.

But, if it happens, at least I can stare at the pretty that is Hugh Jackman...

*drool*

Oh... right... a preview... Okay, let's set this shit up.

IMDB information about the lovely Hugh: Puck drops after 7:00 at the Bell Centre. Game is probably on CBC, but why would a non-Leafs fan subject themselves to that dreck??

Hot like Hugh in Wolverine (Terrible movie, but he brought the purty. And the nekkid): Pleky has been playing like, well, Pleky, with four points in his last five games. Much as it pains me to admit it, Grabby the Bitch has been playing well for the Leaf, although "not being a minus in the past 7 games" seems like a pretty dubious accomplishment.

Cold like Hugh in Kate & Leopold: Losing a one-goal lead 3. Fucking. Times. To the worst team in the league? THE REST OF YOU BITCHES ARE ALL IN HERE. Especially you, Gomez. And you, Saggy Tits. What's worse, though: having them underperform for us, or trading them to another team where they will inevitably have 30 goal seasons? Hmm...

Injured like Hugh on Oprah: Apparently both Gill and Darche are out right now. Darche hopes to be back on Tuesday. Squid is still out. Either way, this means that our top 3 d0men Gill, Gorges and Markov are out of the lineup. In some ways, a prolonged losing streak seems inevitable.

Oh, and speaking of Markov - watching the Nos Canadiens featuring him yesterday was hearbreaking... in spite of how friggin' boring that guy seems to be. I mean, painfully shy Pleky (and his crazy hot and intelligent girlfriend) looked like a prize winning orator compared to Vodkov. Very sad.

Nekkid male celebrities (that still aren't as hot as Hugh): This is my gift to the ladies. Men, tolerate this. The male strippers worked last time against the Leaf... And we should do everything in our power to halt this slide before it gets truly scary.

Celebrity crushes? Hot Hot pic links to share? General bitching about all things Leaf? Talk about it all in the comments!

Fuck You, You Fucking Little Cheap Shot Fuckity-Fuck

Hahahahaha. Mickey Ribs, you're a dick. The Ribs Haters around here* have been waiting for him to do something stupid for a while now. I personally felt it would be a diving penalty at a key point in the game. What happened was even better, because it should get him a suspension. We have a tag around here that reads "there's no English word for schadenfreude except 'Leafs'", but fuck, "Mike Ribeiro suspension" is pretty schadenfreude-riffic too.

So with time running out in the Wings-Stars game last night, Fuckey Ribs slashed Chris Osgood across the chest. Nice two-hander! You can see the video here. The fun starts around the 1:30 mark. Sure, the slash may have been retaliation for an Osgood butt end love tap, but that's no excuse. I love the way Ribfuck does it from behind the net. Like he can't even give a two-handed slash like a man, he has to hide behind the net to do it. Nice move, pussy-boy. Enjoy the press box.

My Sunday just got that much better.

*all of us.

Leafs Nation Seeks New Leader / Puppet

Paul Maurice has been fired as Leafs coach. I swear I never saw that coming.

The Game Preview and Open Thread Wherein We Pay Tribute to the Leafs and Sucking

I agree wholeheartedly with SLC who so elquently reminded us, "As the Nation would say, we may not have won anything either, but at least we got further than you." That's all that matters, isn't it? Remember last year? When we fought to the last day with them for a stupid 8th spot? Compare that to this year. We're in first for fuck's sake, and they will be on the golf course soon. My glee knows no bounds. And I'm sober. We sort of feel bad for PPP and Loser Domi, but not really. Some very quick thoughts and updates headed into tonight's action:

• 7 PM ACC CBC;
• With Ottawa losing this afternoon, Habs can end the Sens' tyranny over the Northeast and clinch the division title with a mere single point tonight. That would be our first division title since we won the Adams in 1991-92;
• Koivu and Streit both have swollen feet from too much dancing, er, blocking shots, and will sit out tonight. Their replacements? Breezer and El Dandy. Oh god;
• Ha-lak! Ha-lak! Ha-lak!
• We will celebrate Earth Hour between 8 and 9 PM by drinking our whiskey without opening the freezer to get ice. Talk about sacrifice.

Thanks to commentors Fezworth, Scott and Anonymous for writing the preview for me. If you have more news, please continue to do my job for me in the comments.

JFJ Death Pool Mercifully Over

Well it's official. John Ferguson Jr. has been fired by the Tronna Leaves. Globe and Mail reports Cliff Fletcher will become interim GM.

[insert multiple snide comments and Leafs Suck jokes here]

I am sure Battle of Ontario and Pension Plan Puppets and Loser Domi will cover this much better than us, so just go there. We've got a Bruins game to win.

Schadenfreude 101: Leafs Suckitude Makes Me Warm and Fuzzy

With fans like this, why do they suck so?

You know normally I don't like to revel in other's pain. It seems like kicking a guy in the nuts when he's down. But then I met Leafs fans.

Look, Habs fans are no prize. We think everything belongs to us (it does). We think every Stanley Cup should be ours (it should). We think every French Canadian superstar belongs here (they do).

But we have a sense of realism. We realize that our team is mediocre (well at least the FHF do). We are not delusional to the point we think we can win the Cup with an aging superstar and Vesa Toskala and a bunch of pieces that just don't fit together.

What generally pisses me off is that it's never their fault. Our friend Pension Plan Puppets wrote on Friday when Sundin was not named an All-Star that "it's just one more slap in the face for Leaf fans this season."

Oh, really? And the other slaps in the face have been whose fault exactly? I don't think it was the NHL who hired JFJ. I don't think it was the NHL who hired a hands-on management board who are hockey illiterate. I don't think it was the NHL who mortgage the future every year for short-term potential gain. I don't think it was the NHL who told Scotty Bowman to fuck off (contrary to previous reports). I can only hope PPP's comments were directed at Leafs management and not the world at large. Though generally Leafs fans think they are the world at large, so who knows.

So the Habs lost Saturday (OK, I finally admit it). Habs' Jekyll and Hyde act is growing thin. But in the face of the Leafs falling apart before all our eyes, I feel happy.

Schadenfreude, baby.