Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
But that won't stop us celebrating all that's great about Canada, eh? So grab an Elsinore Beer, stick a very small mouse in the empty and let's do this thing.
Waiting in line with all the other office workers for your double double and Timatin Details - 2 PM start in lovely downtown Kanata. On CBC, obvs. Habs riding a two-game losing streak of Florida crap. Sens riding an eight game winning streak, and looking like the early 2007 season Sens. Jinx! Yeah right. Sens are 3-1 in the season series so far.
Our favourite R.O.C. hoser - SLC said of today's game: "Trap game against a fast fading Habs team coming up tomorrow at the Bank. Ye be warned." Well, he got the fast fading part right.
Hot like the most desirable woman in the world, Montrealer Emmanuelle Chriqui - For the Habs, we have, uh, hmm, mmm, yeah. Jaro maybe? For the Sens, they obviously have benefitted from the return of Alfie and Spezz from injuries. But the Streak started before they were back. And really, they've been getting balanced scoring (even Kovy? Even Kovy. 8 points during the Streak). And really really, they've been doing it with goaltending. Goaltending! The Ottawa Senators! Can you fucking believe that? Brian Elliot is 2-0-0, 0.50, .982 in his last 2.
Cold like, well, like the weather today. Fucking windchill. - Well, until the suck-o-meter gets back below 9 BR's, why don't we just put the whole Habs squad here. For the Sens, I doubt anyone can be cold considering the Streak, though SLC insists Filip Kuba continues to suck a bag of dicks.
Benefiting from universal health care - Jaro 2.0 mysteriously injured his upper body while being out with the flu. That's an impressive feat. Mara is still out as well. Habs have called up Swiss Mister II to bolster the blue line. Big Tits may be dead. Sens pretty healthy. Pascal Leclaire is out, but they don't seem to be missing him.
Post-game adult entertainment - Canadian Hotties of course (NSFW00t!)
And here's a little post-adult entertainment entertainment. Oh Canada, you rock. Er, rap.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Let's see, what's going down this fine AM. Yesterday's Habs news was two-fold. First we had Vodkov and TFS hugging it out at practice. Nice pic of it over at Habs I/O, though I like our hugging pic better. If you want to tear your hair out, read Michel Bergeron's piece on RDS.ca. Here's a summary: blah blah blah, TFS is not Marty Brodeur or Patrick Roy. In the other Habs news from yesterday, it looks like BGL ain't getting anywhere near those hot Swedish babes. Very disappointing. That would have made for some Sexy Friday fun.
Elsewhere around the N, if you thought things were bad around here, you haven't been to Tronna. Players are begging to get off the team. In actual hockey action, Sens are just fucking rolling. Took care of the Pens last night, 4-1. I think that's 8 wins in a row. Holy crap. Hey anyone know who the Sens are playing next? Oh fuck me. In the East playoff clusterfuck, Thrashers beat the Flyers and the Isles lost. That leaves the Habs currently in 10th officially, but with all the games in hand it's essentially 13th.
Sorry that last line was a bit of a downer. More Sexy Friday and CHeering up! Here's a little video of poorly Photoshopped CH's on hot babes you may enjoy. Have a good one kids.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
- Well the Habs should never go to Florida again. 3-0 loss to the Bolts last night. Ugh. While we certainly played better than Tuesday, a couple of real ugly turnovers and no PP goals meant another loss and some more tumbling down the standings. Maybe it'll be win two, lose two for the rest of the season? Won't that be fun;
- So in case that wasn't bad enough, word leaked out yesterday about an alleged incident after the Blues loss when Markov called out Price, leading to a divided dressing room like some gang warfare or something. Who knows what the real story is, but we like to picture the Habs dancing around the dressing room like the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story;
- We're sure some other shit is happening in the hockey world, but really, who gives a fuck anymore.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
10 Things I Hate About the Tampa Bay Lightning
10. We've covered this before, but ... "Lightning! Avalanche! It's USSF Division 2 soccer, live on ESPN 6!!" It's a fucking stupid name. It's a fucking bush-league name.
9. Of course, we wouldn't expect any less of a city that can't even get its own name right. This is a pet peeve of New Republic editor and Slate/New York Times/Atlantic Monthly/ESPN contributor Gregg Easterbrook, who points out that the city the Lightning play in is actually called "Tampa", and sits at the mouth of a body of water called "Tampa Bay".
8. Lecavalier rumours. So. Many. Rumours. I read one more "The Bolts can't afford him, he's coming home to save the Canadiens" item, I'm killing Brian Lawton myself.
7. Hey, speaking of inept or useless Tampa GM's ... it's Phil Esposito! Big Phil's shameless huckstering and whoring out of the game to make a buck or two with the expansion Lightning was an embarrassment. Of course, most of that was necessary because Esposito's hand-picked financial backer, (Japanese company Kokusai Green) was essentially bankrupt and rumour has it a front for the Yakuza. The perilous state of the Lightning's finances lead to brainstorms like ...
6. Signing Manon Rheaume. Look, like any other red-blooded male, I loved the idea of a hot, hockey-playing babe. I kinda sorta didn't like that she got to play in the NHL (even if it was just an exhibition). Bottom line: Manon Rheaume wasn't good enough to make the roster of a National Hockey League team, even one as terrible as the Lightning. Esposito admitted it was all a publicity stunt after the fact. Well, duh. Still doesn't make it right. Panger gets no shot, but Rheaume does?
5. Wait, is that noted cheapshot artist and general fucktard Steve Downie on the roster? Why yes, yes it is. The Lightning employ a guy the FLYERS thought was a loose cannon. Sweet merciful crap.
4. This. This drives me fucking crazy, in a "screw these Southern-based, undeserving, Bettman-inspired crap franchises winning Cups" kinda way.
3. In a league full of bad jersey choices, the Lightning were the first to take it to a new level of stupid: The nickname jersey. Can you imagine the Leafs trotting out in a "Buds" shirt? Or Detroit or Chicago sporting only "Wings" or "Hawks"? Maybe the Flyers need to wear "Bullies" in script instead of the Flying P? Sounds ridiculous in theory. It's just as stupid in real life.
2. Frankly, the Lightning (and Lecavalier and St. Louis in particular) have a history of biting the Habs in the ass, just like their cousins in Miami. I've counted too many losses to these two johnny-come-lately Florida teams to count, and it pisses me off. Almost as much as ...
1. The fact that Tampa and Florida either a) whine and plead their way to get a visit from the Canadiens around Christmas to help their bottom line or b) are so financially unstable and unsuitable as pro hockey cities that the NHL desperately tries to get asses in the seats over Christmas by forcing marquee teams like the Habs into an annual Florida trip. Fuck that. If you are in such dire financial straits each year that your financial well-being depends on the Habs filling your coffers, MOVE THE FUCK TO A REAL HOCKEY TOWN or FOLD THE FUCKING TEAM. I haven't liked this rudderless, financial suckhole of a team since the day it was founded, and I wouldn't shed one tear to see it go down in flames. Especially if they win tonight.
Oh, right. Tonight. 7:00 pm, St. Pete's Times Forum, live on RDS and TSN. Some guys are hurt, some are healthy. Vinny and Stamkos are hot for Tampa, GMC and Cammalleri for Montreal. Jaro looking good despite last night's loss, but apparently Price gets the start. Mike Smith is hurting for Tampa so look for AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki in goal.
Got a reason to hate the Lightning, the Panthers, the state of Florida in general? Let's hear it in the comments.
Whoops sorry. Feel asleep there for a moment. Like I did last night several times while watching that crap. Like this team, who seemed to fall asleep for 60 minutes. 17 shots. No effort whatsoever. Skating? Ha! In your dreams. Work ethic? Not to be seen. Going hard to the puck? Yeah right. Any semblance of offensive pressure whatsoever? Now you're just being silly. A huge four-point game, and we just failed to show up.
I'm totally dumbfounded as to what to write. How can this be the same team that went into New Jersey and won, who came home to face the Rangers and dominated? Remember that whole Jekyll 'n Hyde thing we had going last year? It's back, baby!
So here's your review: Habs Suck. For today at least.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Grab your towel and let's get wet - 7:30 PM start in Florida. It's another four-point game. Panthers are just 2 points behind the Habs in the standings, with a game in hand. Both teams coming off Saturday Night shutouts. Habs have won both games against the Panthers so far this year.
Fuck my travel agent, this hotel is only "beach access" - we're quite happy to have found our new friend over at The Rat Trick. Maybe he can put us up when we come to visit.
Hot like a Florida Beach - Jaro had a weekend to die for: 2-0-0, 0.50, .984. Slovakia for the gold! Squid of course, 5 points in his last 2 games, and some hot CHicken action, more goals in his brief Habs stint than in his entire career so far. Gio has a six-game point streak. Some props for Jaro 2.0 too. He's played much better lately. For the Panthers, really only Tomas Vokoun can be considered hot, with numbers to rival Jaro: 1-0-1, 0.48, .987 in his last 2. And he has 6 shutouts already this year.
Cold like a Florida Beach this past holiday season - Metro pointless in 5. But our really cold players, Dagger and PatCHes, are now both chilling in Hamilton. As much as one can "chill" in Hamilton. Half of Florida is cold - they aren't scoring a lot of goals. Dvorak and Reinprecht pointless in 4, McCabe pointless in 6.
Shit! That jellyfish stung me - Mara's upper body injury still not healed, and Big Tits still on the long-term shelf. Has anyone even heard about any sort of progress from him? For the Panthers, leading scorer Nathan Horton just broke his leg and is out 4-6 weeks.
Let's dive right in to tonight's Habs probable forward lines, as previewed at practice yesterday:
Squid - Pleks - MOEmaN
DarCHe Vader - Mad Max - Ben Maxwell (Mad Max 2.0?)
Urologist - Metro - Little Tits
That's, uh, intriguing. It won't last, I'm sure. No idea who the starting goalie is at this hour, but I would bet the kids' college fund on Jaro.
Post-game beach swimwear - Bikini, modeled by Alessandra Ambrosio. She's alright.
Grab a beverage with an umbrella in it and we'll see you in the comments
Monday, January 25, 2010
En annonçant ma retraite d’un métier qui a été toute ma vie, je veux m’assurer de ne pas avoir à vivre une deuxième année de lock-out.
Union solidarity forever! Except now. I'm outta here. Screw my life's work.
Grâce à RueFrontenac.com, ce ne fut pas une année futile
Hey I got a whole year to spit out crappy columns unedited. God bless the interwebs!
Comment se sent-on dans un moment comme celui-là ? Je ne suis pas sûr de pouvoir trouver les mots pour l’exprimer.
How to express my feelings at a time like this? I can't find the words. What am I, a writer?
J’en ai été le chroniqueur de hockey à une époque où le « beat » était la responsabilité d’un seul homme
Ah, the good old days. When the Habs had the rights to every great francophone player. And the lonely beat writer could fellate him regularly.
Vingt-quatre années à émettre des opinions que vous n’avez pas toujours partagées et qui vous ont souvent incité à me dire ce que vous en pensiez.
Twenty-four years of spitting out bullshit and having you call me out on it. Good times!
Je vous ai donné l’heure juste parce que si vous vous donniez la peine de vous procurer quotidiennement ce journal, vous méritiez de l’obtenir.
I spat out all the bullshit because we had to sell papers. This is a business, you know.
Je n’ai pas toujours été bon...
Hey we finally agree on something!
...mais je ne me souviens pas d’une seule journée au cours de laquelle je n’ai pas essayé.
We can think of several days where you totally mailed it in, spitting out the same xenophobic crap you have for 24 years.
On se quitte aujourd’hui comme de vieux amis
Sure, if being old friends means we've totally grown apart because we disagree on absolutely everything now that one of us has matured.
Je vous dis donc au revoir et merci.
See? Au revoir means he'll be back. He's like a T-1000. You can't kill him. You can only hope to contain him to l'AntiCHambre.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Go. Comment. Pants.
A not so long time ago, in an arena not so far, far away...
A NEW HOPE
It is a period of civil war between Squid and Mad Max. Rebel Habs, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Trap Empire.
During the battle, Habs spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEATH BRODEUR, an armored goalie with enough power to destroy an entire league.
Pursued by the Lemaire’s sinister agents, Princess Jacques races home aboard his starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save his team and restore freedom to the CH…
THE HABS STRIKE BACK
It is a dark time for the Rebel Habs forces. Although the Death Brodeur has been destroyed, Devil troops have driven the Habs forces from their hidden base behind the blue line and pursued them across the Prudential Centre.
Evading the dreaded Imperial Defence, a group of freedom fighters led by Jaro and the CHicken has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Newark.
Note to sci-fi geeks like me: I know this makes no sense. Shut up.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Fresh off the jettisoning of the big goomba BGL and with Cammilleri being all Frankie "I'm in charge here" Valli in practice, the Habs take a trip to the epicentre of all that is Italian and ruling the theatres ... er, Eastern Conference. It's Jersey, yo. Grab your program and ask the usher where your seat is ... this is a classy show, not like that bullshit hippy Rent thing. Buncha animals in that show, I tells ya. Not a shiny silver suit amongst them.
Oh What a Night: Live from the Prudential Centre in beautiful downtown Newark, 7:00 pm on the RDS. Don't wear any jewellery, don't walk anywhere alone, and for gawdsakes, don't make eye contact with Reggie the Crackhead outside Gate C. No matter what he tells you, he is NOT a Devils employee. Devils coming off another shutout. Habs coming off the furious comeback loss to St. Louis and dealing with all the BGL/Cammy/MadMax backstage sniping.
Walk Like a Man: Benoit Pouliot looks every bit like the 4th overall pick he was supposed to be. He might save Gainey's job all by his lonesome. Well, he's getting lots of help from his Jersey Boy linemates Gionta and Gomez too. Can Cammi use his recent fiestiness to springboard back into goal-scoring action? Is Pleks assist last game the start of a new streak? Let's hope. Oh hey, look, Marty Brodeur just had his one-millionth shut-out. Jesus. The man is boring but consistently excellent. Like every week, Devils goals come from the uber-talented Zach Parise and not many other places. They've got Brodeur, Parise, Jacques Lemaire coaching and 20 other shock troops and they will steamroll almost anyone in the league using that very formula.
The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore: Oh, where in the hell is the supporting cast in this show? Pacioretty, Moen, Metro, Mad Max, D'Agostini ... I can't remember the last time one of them actually stepped up and won this team a game. Jaro 2.0, Gill, Mara, and Hamr look older and slower than every defence corps in the league. Price put the Habs in a hole and nearly got himself concussed reaching for a puck against noted headhunter Cam Janssen. Not pretty. For New Jersey, Captain Jaime Langenbrunner is pointless in 3, so are Travis Zajac and noted Hab-killer Brian Rolston. Niclas Bergfors would fit right in on the Habs third and fourth lines, since he's pointless in 7.
Big Girls Don't Cry: No, this isn't the BGL bashing section. We're talking walking wounded. Both Tits still out, Andrei for a few more weeks, Sergei has-been day-to-day for seemingly forever. Anyone else think he's goldbricking and marking time till he bolts for the KHL? Devils still missing long-term absentees Paul Martin, Dainuis Zubris and David Clarkson, and Patrick Elias is now concussed in the head.
Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You: Pookie and Schnookie. Self-professed Devils fans since 1997 who run Interchangeable Parts. It's equal doses of smart, funny, and holy-crap we can't believe we cheer for the Devils angst from two ladies. What's not to like?
I'm in the Mood for Love: Your post-game entertainment? Hail a cab and get your ass out of Newark as fast as possible, head across the river for some after-show drinks just off Broadway. Or the Spearmint Rhino. Whatever.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Get well soon, Gros Bill. Losing games we can deal with. Losing legends is much harder.
So many emotions. Well, not really. He never did what he was supposed to do with the Habs. You know, fight. Have a steak to celebrate.
- Well you can look at the Habs OT loss two ways: 1. A glorious comeback to earn a well-deserved point, spurned on by the CHicken and TFS' emotion; or 2. continuing death spiral. Your choice;
- Brodeur, shutout, ho-hum;
- Oilers continue death spiral of their own, lose to the Nucks.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I went to the Bell Centre, fell down on my knees
I went to the Bell Centre, fell down on my knees
Asked the Lord above "Have mercy, now, save poor Bob if you please"
Yeee, skatin' at the Bell Centre, tried to win a game
Woo-ee-ee, Habs tried to win a game
Didn't nobody seem to know me, babe, 'cept the folks at St. Louis Game Time
Down at the Bell Centre baby, at seven thirty it's goin' down
Down at the Bell Centre baby, wee-ee-ee McSplooge is in town
I believe to my soul, now, poor Pleks is sinkin' down
You can skate, you can skate, tell my friend The CHick-en
You can skate, you can skate, tell my friend The CHick-en
That I got the Bell Centre Blues this mornin', Lord, babe, Habs are sinkin' down
And I went to the Bell Centre, mama, I looked right and left
I went to the Bell Centre, baby, I looked right and left
Lord, I didn't have no sweet woman, ooh like the FHF ladies undressed
Sing the Blues in the comments
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
So actual hockey analyst James Mirtle has started his annual Playoff Push column, which outlines what teams need to do with the rest of the season to make the playoffs. It's based on the premise teams need 89 points to get in from the East. I think that's quite reasonable. So with his first column (which he updates daily), Mirtle calculates the Habs need to go 19-12-1 to make the playoffs. Who thinks that's possible? Seriously? You're either lying, delusional, or a regular HI/O commentor.
I have looked at the Habs remaining schedule and boldly predict the Habs will absolutely lose the following games:
At New Jersey
One game in Florida (no way we sweep two Florida series in one season)
Home to the Pens
Home to the Caps
One of the Flyers home and home series
One game during the Olympic break (no way the Habs can go 3 weeks without losing)
2 of 3 in California
Home to the Lightning
Home to the Sens
Home to the Devils
Home to the Sabres
Home to the Leafs to close the season to add insult to injury in another mess of a season
That's 14 (actual) losses. Guaranteed. I predicted it! And I write on a hockey blog, so I know what I'm talking about. For the math-challenged, 14 is two more than the 12 we can lose as per Mirtle's analysis.
Pass the vodka.
Monday, January 18, 2010
- Well talk a bout a pathetic excuse for a lost weekend of lost chances. Habs blow their second straight game in which they took the lead, 6-2 to the Rangers. We suck. More later today if we can stomach it;
- Ovie scores on a penalty shot (his first ever) to help the Caps beat the Flyers 5-3;
- TMS hates the shootout as much as the next traditionalist (bring back the tie!!!) but even he was excited by the Hawks-Wings SO, which the Hawks won;
- Habs Hall of Fame opens on Saturday and immediately blows a 2-goal lead.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The boys have gone awol and left the blog in my hot little hands. I'm feeling a little premenstrual so please comment or I may cry.... oh, who'm I kidding, I don't actually give a fuck.
Ok, review of last night.... Milos was amazing. The grilled octopus was to die for. Tonight it's pizza and the Habs on the new 65" plasma.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
So tonight the Habs get a visit from the Auld Ene ... er, their age-old ... um, Ottawa and Montreal continue their city rivalry ... huh. Well, the Sens are in town. You know, those bastards that stole our beloved Kovy ... ah, fuck it. It's the Ottawa Senators. Three years ago when the Sens were steamrolling the entire Eastern Conference and owned the Habs like SLC owns the angry rant, we almost hated them. Now? They're down in the muck of 7th to 11th with the Canadiens, got screwed by that salt-of-the-earth Heatley kid, and have some bizarro injuries to contend with. Plus, they hate the Leafs. It's like the city of Montreal is looking into a cute, dull, less-French mirror!
Waiting in line while that overpaid, underworked, pencil-pushing short sleeved dress shirt wearing civil servant processes your T4130 details: 7:00 pm, at the Centre of Bell. Habs coming off the big win over Big D, Sens just shut out the Rangers (er, Marian Gaborik) to end a five game losing streak. On RDS and CBC for those with the right zip code (or satellite provider).
Hot like the underage girls dancing in the clubs across the river in Hull: Giant. Mexican. Chicken. El pollo loco goalo right now. Gomez looks like an entirely different player, Gionta is reminding everyone why he was the sexy pick for captain in October, and Pouliot is doing his damnedest to make Gui's hot start in Minny no big deal.
Peruse the names on the roster, and the Sens have all the makings of a very solid 1990's sqaud. Brodeur. Leclair. Foligno. Ruutu. Carkner. Kovalev. The only problem? It's 2010 and the Sens have the wrong Brodeur (Mike not Marty), Leclair(e) (Pascal not John), Foligno (Nick, son of Mike), Carkner (not Terry but Matt) & Ruutu (Tuomo not Christian), and the same old frustrating Kovalev. And of those guys, only Brodeur (Mike) is hot, with a shutout last game.
Cold like the quarts of 50 they used to serve at U of O's campus pub: Can we get Pleks out of here soon? Cammy sort of escapes after last game. The rest of the Habs are dragging their butts through their allotted ice time. For Ottawa Kovy followed a brilliant performance last week by going ice cold. Sound familiar? (Pop quiz time: Even given Cammilleri's prolonged slump and his aversion to scoring goals in the other 29 arenas in the league, who wants a do-over on Bob's summer free-agent switcheroo of Squid for Kovy? Fuck you, smartass. I know you aren't serious. Anyone else? Yep, that's what I thought.) Mike Fisher is leading the Sens in scoring but has dropped off the planet since getting engaged to Carrie Underwood. Yeah, I'd probably have trouble concentrating on work too if I was engaged to her.
Busted like the friendly girls soliciting folks in the Byward Market: Little Tits close but not ready. Mara might still be limping. Sens missing Alfredsson, Spezza, Michalek, a host of others. I think Laurie Boschman got dragged out of retirement to centre the second line tonight.
Our friendly, Leaf baiting, civil servicing ray of sunshine: We love SLC over at FiveForSmiting. He's like the angry old man who lived on your street as a kid, only he's flying a Sens flag from his porch and will probably shoot you full of buckshot and vitriol rather than order you off his lawn. Plus, he's funny as fuck for a Carleton grad.
Post-game adult entertainment: There's probably football on still. Watch that for the homoerotic undertones, you degenerates.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Just wow. In honour of this goal and the home of BGL's family, go donate something, anything, the Red Cross Haiti earthquake fund, or any other charity that will help. TMS did.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
So, Dallas! Feel the excitement! The Little-Fuckity Fuck comes home! What's that? Recently out of the hospital and out 4-6 weeks you say? Hmm, well that sort of puts a damper on the whole excitement thing. Also sort of puts a damper on my whole "players leaving the pressure cooker of Montreal and being successful" theme for the preview. I had a real nice rant about it too, in the best HF10 tradition. Too bad for you. I hope you commentors can entertain yourselves all day.
Waiting in line to get your Leclair #17 jersey changed to a vintage Murray Wilson - 730p at the Centre of Bell. It's the teams' only meeting this year. If you look at the last 10, Habs are actually 6-3-1. Really? I thought we were worse than that. Oh look, 1-2-1 in the last 4. That's more like it. Though admittedly we may have deserved better in that OT loss. Stars are mediocre at best, 4-6 in their last 10 and a dismal 1-8-3 on the road lately. Even their best Rocky impression didn't help them in Philly Tuesday.
Ready to welcome Habs castoffs with open arms - The Other 6 Seconds tells the truth about their own team's suckage. We like that.
Hot like, well, like Gui! right now - How about that CHicken? He got his own John Loo TSN feature, with Gio comparing him to John Leclair. Oh the irony. GMC is keeping our asses alive, whatever asses we have left. Both are goalies are just fine too, excellent save% and GAA all around lately. For the Stars, I swear I never heard of Loui Eriksson, but apparently he's pretty good.
Cold like the Montreal media to the player who came back in the trade after he sucks for 2 periods - Well, it's come to this. I'm forced to put Pleks and Squid here, as they are both pointless in 4. Look, I understand they are being forced to play with Generic Underperforming Young Winger Who Should Be On The Fourth Line #1 and #2 since Tits went down, but fuck, give me something guys. For the Stars, their goalies' recent records are jokes that write themselves - 0-1-0, 3.45, .861 for Auld and 1-3-0, 3.69, .876 for Turco. And apparently Olympian Brenden Morrow sucks since he was named to the team. Go Canada!
Hurt like the little fuckity-fuck's feelings when he felt he was being treated unfairly - oh Tits, how we miss you. And more Tits. The lesser Tits did skate yesterday, though in sweats. On the plus side, BGL is back! Problems solved! I have no idea who is starting in goal. It's fucking six in the morning.
Post-game adult entertainment - Well since this post is up all day, that technically makes it an open thread of love, right?
Have a nice day, commentors!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Morning Skate is wondering if we're ever gonna see the fucking Habs play again for Wednesday, January 13th
- Phylers beat the Stars, push the Habs out of 8th place;
- Sens now have the same record as the Habs after their 5th straight loss. We're not sure why the Sens are listed as 8th and we're at 9th. Also, we're not sure why we are obsessing over this in January;
- Leafs lose, huzzah!
- Isles 6, Wings 0. Huh?
- Shutout for Brodeur. Zzzzzzzz;
- Tampa's offense explodes, beat the Caps 7-4. There must have been some wackiness, because the box score features a "10-Minute Game Misconduct for Leaving the Penalty Box/Bench" penalty;
- Little Tits is not close to returning;
- CuJo retires. Uh, good luck, Curtis. We guess.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
- Gui! has a hand in all four Wild goals in their 4-3 win over the Pens. Did you know over the last month Gui! leads the league in even strength goals? Fuck you, you big fuckity-fuck;
- Avs beat the Flames in a SO, thanks to Craig Anderson's (who?) 44 saves;
- Western powerhouse Nashville (no seriously) beats the Canucks;
- It's Bob Gainey's Facebook page! Well not really, but an incredible simulation. (lap dances to GG11 and moeman)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Waiting in line at Karma, Bamboo, or some other ridiculously named, neon filled, Guido infested Jersey Shore nightmare: RDS and the CBC will show you the goods at 7:00 pm from the Bell Centre. Habs on big one game shutout streak, Devils were on a three-game winning streak before last night's game against Tampa was called midway through because the fucking power went out. Congratulations, Jeremy Jacobs and the Boston Bruins; that time the power went out in the Boston Garden during the Finals versus the Oilers now looks slightly less embarrassing. SLIGHTLY.
Hot like Pauly D spinnin' tunes or JWoww fightin' other Jersey Shore biatches: All hail the Giant Mexican Chicken, which has given the Habs secondary scoring ... or is it primary scoring? (see below). Andrei Markov has slowed slightly, but that's gonna happen when nobody is scoring. Jaro. JAR. O. Stopped a ton of shots again. Shutout again. Kept the team alive again. Where is this team without it's goalies? Down in the Taylor Hall sweeps, that's where. For the Devils ... hmmm ... can't think of anyone who is hot other than OH, EVERYFUCKINGONE. Marty Brodeur is ageless and sets a new record every time he laces on his skates, Zach Parise should terrify every Canadian Olympic hockey fan because he and Ryan Miller give the US a puncher's chance, and Travis Zajac is the 6-3, 200 pound centre the Habs have needed since Bobby Smith left. By the way, the Devils have won 14 of their last 17 versus Montreal. Just sayin'.
Cold like Sammi when Ronnie is shakin his Guido-self on the dance floor without her: Remember the excitement when GMC started clicking and we all celebrated the arrival of secondary scoring? Well, since Big Tits went down, Pleks and Squid are scoreless in 3. Max Pac is also scoreless in 3. Matt "I've got pictures of Bob, Jacques and the Molson Brothers performing a satanic ritual with 3 CEGEP girls and a goat" D'Agostini is scoreless in fourteen fucking games. FOURTEEN. FUCKING. GAMES. He spent time on the "first" line last game. Read that last sentence again and tell me you're happy with this team's development system. For the Devils, when you are cruising along atop the conference or close to it, everyone is livin' large like The Situation in the hot tub, but Patrick Elias may finally be on a downward slope. Watch him score a hat trick tonight.
Busted like Snooki's face after the infamous punch heard round the Shore: You've probably heard the news: Big Tits has knee trouble and is out for up to six weeks. Little Tits is still a few games away, and Rhino is questionable as he returns from family matters in B.C. Jersey is missing defender Paul Martin indefinitely with a broken arm, Dainus Zubrus indefinitely with a busted kneecap, and valuable winger David Clarkson has leg issues.
Watchu lookin' at? You gotta problem wit' us?: We have no problems with our good friends the Ookies over at Interchangeable Parts. Any lovely ladies who can keep their senses of humour after willingly watching Devils hockey year after year are okay in our books. We're almost positive neither of them have hooked up with Pauly D or The Situation.
Post-game adult entertainment: Grab some Crystal and join JWoww, Snooki, The Situation, Vinny and Pauly D in the hot tub. Just make sure you take a shower afterwards.
Friday, January 08, 2010
And The Colonel doth said unto them, I have a very special CHicken growing in the Wilds of the land of ten thousand lakes. Thou needest only to give up your ill-begotten native son Gui to get him. This CHicken is special, and made in mine own image. He hath been drafted on high, but neigh I have suppressed his skills until the time of the deliverance. He is possessed of The Speed, The Size, and The Hands. These gifts will become apparent upon his return to the Holy Shrine.
And The Coach and The Bob were pleased. And they asked unto The Colonel, will you demand a sacrifice for the deliverance of the Blessed CHicken? And The Colonel respondeth I will demand the sacrifice of your two pairs of Breasts, for I need them to make my delicious nuggets with eleven herbs and spices.
And The Coach and The Bob prayed to The Colonel that at least the Breasts would be delivered some time before the Holy Time of the playoff push. And it was good.
And The Colonel delivered The Message which was thus. I will touch The Mexican and The Little Giant so that they may be healed. Thou wilst pairest them with the Blessed CHicken, and it shall be good.
So it was written, so it was done. The Coach did put the line together, and it was good. And the Giant Mexican CHicken did come forth. And in the process, did unburden the first line from the weight of the load.
And the Blessed CHicken did score. And he slayed the Cat and rescued the CHosen Team from the losing streak in the Holy Shrine.
And yet The Colonel was displeased, for his one true Franchise Saviour had been cast aside. And lo, The Colonel did deliver a goalie controversy upon them.
lap dance to Panger for the inspiration
- Uh, Habs win? At home? Really? We saw it with out own eyes and still don't believe it. GMC and Jaro team up to do some good things. More later today;
- The Blackhawks get their 31st win (wow), 5-2 over the Bs;
- Caps dominate the Sens, Kovy back to his old ways with zero shots and -3;
- Thrash beat the Rangers in OT;
- Philly wins the Battle of PA in a goal-fest;
- Wings rookie G Jimmy Howard stopped 51 shots in their 2-1 win over the Kings;
- Mickey Ribs is out 4-6 weeks after a scary incident involving his throat and Chris Higgins' stick. Must have been retaliation for that time at Chez Paree when Mikey stole the really hot blonde from Chris. Get well you little fuckity-fuck, so we can hate you without guilt.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Hey didn't I write yesterday that I would no longer watch hockey? Why am I writing a preview then? Hmmm. Well, it would be a crime to deprive our fine readers of my witty banter, such as it is. Why don't we just ramble on a bit without any clever gimmick? Habs sucking so much does not give me any inspiration for any clever gimmicks.
Game goes at 7:30 tonight at the Centre of Bell Globemedia. Habs coming off two straight losses to start 2010, and the Panthers coming off a loss to Tronna after shocking the Pens over the weekend. Habs won the only meeting so far this season, the 5-4 New Year's Eve day game last week. Thanks to an anonymous commentor for that game, we discovered the other Panthers blog on the intertubes, the quite excellent The Rat Trick.
Hot Habs? Yeah, right. CHicken maybe? Vodkov maybe? Bryan McCabe and Nathan Horton playing well for the Cats. Over the last two games, plenty of coldness for the Habs. Let's just say all the forwards and all the defense.
Once again, we are deprived of the services of Titses. Not to worry, I'm sure that BGL can fill their shoes. Rhino still in B.C. for family issues. PatCHes and Dagger have switched lines. And your goalie will be Jaro. I'm sure he can turn aside the 40-50 shots that will be thrown his way.
For your post-game adult entertainment, in the spirit of Russian Christmas, get all your free Russian porn at the Russian Porn Blog. The term NSFW is woefully inadequate for what you will get if you click on that link.
Merry Christmas to all our Russian readers (NOT our good Finnish friend sleza. i think Sonia speaks Russian). Stoli shots for everyone!
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
We must give full credit to our (younger) boys at least for that one. They played hard, they fought hard, and almost provided a miracle with Eberle's two goals in the last couple of minutes to send it to OT. That was quite something, to say the least. Alas, in OT it only takes one shot, and poof, the streak is over. Soul-crushing.
The Habs on the other hand, meh. Horribly outshot again. Severely outplayed. Not much offense generation. Once again, all we have to say is, sigh.
What else is on?
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Waiting in line for a support bra details -
I heard the tits in DC are the tits - The Caps Nut predicts that the Habs will win tonight 4-2. Wow, such honesty! In thanks for that, I predict the Habs will lose tonight, 5-0.
Hot like that perfect pair of of 34C's - Jordan Eberle leads Canada with 11 points in the tourney while presumptive #1 pick Taylor Hall has 9. Derek Stepan has 12 for the Americans. Wait, what? Gomez has 9 points in 6. TFS has been excellent in his last 2 games, a .969 save %. For the Caps, Ovie (quelle suprise) has 12 points in his last 6 and Olympic snub Mike Green 6 points in 5.
My, your nipples are erect! Must be chilly - While SuperPleks has points recently, he seems to be a bit off in the last couple of games. Not sure what it is. Anyone seen the Urologist since he moved to forward? For the Caps, Semin pointless in 3, and they have serious goalie issues lately. Won't help us.
In need of some reconstructive surgery - Leading Canadian D Travis Hamonic is out after getting blindsided against the Swiss. STOP THAT. Besides the aforementioned Titses, Rhino has gone to B.C. for family reasons. The lineup should be the same as Sunday, including TFS as the starter.
Post game entertainment - just change the fucking channel to TSN already.
Keep one hand on the clicker and one hand typing comments
Monday, January 04, 2010
- Habs get shut out by Ryan Miller 1-0. It's not that we played terribly (well, except for the no scoring part), though we did run out of gas for oh, I don't know, 40 minutes?
- You know who can score? Alex Kovalev! Well, for one game at least as he pots 4 in a Sens win over the Flyers. Now he can go back to not scoring for the next 15 games;
- Pens are sliding, now lose to the Panthers;
- Our Juniors will play USA for the gold Tuesday after beating the Swiss 6-1.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
2010 is boring already. Let's liven it up by creating a goalie controversy for our Sabres preview and open thread
I admit that in the past, I haven't given a shit when we've had 1A and 1B goalies. In thinking more about it though, in the long run, I really don't know if it works. If you have two number ones, they're both going to be alpha dogs. Goalies are fucked up in the head enough as it is (sorry Panger), so not knowing who's the man has got to really mess with their psyches over a period of months. Sooner or later, something has to be done.
Welcome home, boys.
Waiting like a backup in that little hallway behind the bench details - 3 PM start in the Phone Booth. THREE PEE EM. You hear that? WTF is that? It only conflicts with Canada-Swiss Semi-Final and the 4th quarter of the most important weekend of the NFL season. Yeesh. The family-friendly matinee hour may mean that Stubbs' Youppi rumours on Twitter are true. Habs coming off the glorious 6-1 road trip from hell and two straight wins. Sabres, on the same hand, have won 3 in a row, are 1st in the Northeast, 2nd in the East, and 2-0-1 already against us this season. We ain't in Florida any more.
Staring down 200 feet to see your opponent - Unlike our last opponent, Buffalo has many many hockey blogs to choose from. I think it speaks to the Canadian-ness of Buffalo. I think we could swallow them easily. First, the NFL team, then the whole city. They'd fit right in. Where was I? Right, hockey blogs. Check out one of the many many quality Sabres blogs, Queen City Sabres.
Hot like the goalie who says "the puck looked like a beach ball out there"- Bienvinido to this space Senor Gomez! 9 points in his last 5 games. Vodkov just amazing since his return, 11 points in 7 games. Throw in Gio and SuperPleks what the hell. For the Sabres, despite all this Ryan Miller talk, it's actually Patrick Lalime who is the hotter goalie with a 3-0-1, 1.34 GAA .960 save % in his last 4 games. Tom Connolly has 6 points in hist last 3 games.
Cold like the backup at the Winter Classic - Jaro 2.0 pointless in four. For the Sabres, Craig Rivet pointless in 7. For some reason, I miss Craig Rivet.
I'm actually impressed goalies don't injure their groins every game - both sets of Tits are said to be game-time decisions. Mara might be back. And your starter is... not yet announced at the time of this writing.
Post-game adult entertainment - It's Sunday afternoon, that's family time. If you don't have a family, try to start one by slipping one past the goalie.
Stoke the fires of goalie controversy in the comments
Saturday, January 02, 2010
So what's on your mind? Winter Classic? Fuck you Bs. Where was the damn meteor? Check out the whacky bouncy bouncy OT winning goal for the Sabres in the only other game yesterday. In other NHL news, Habs are blocking shots left and right thanks to a piece of plastic (lap dance to GG11). Still no word on the health of both of our pairs of Tits.
The Olympic lineup is all set for everyone now, with the USA announcing its canon-fodder yesterday. Brian Burke went for Dou$harek and truculence, so no Giant Mexican, no Guerin, Tkachuk, or Modano. Their veteran is Chris Drury. Good luck. In other international hockey stuff the World Juniors have quarter-finals today; Russia-Switzerland and USA-Finland should both be decent games.
Of course the Saturday open thread of love isn't jut about hockey, it's about anything. Got any NFL picks you love for tomorrow? I'm only three points out of first going into this final Sunday, so I need bold picks. Do you love NBA teammates in Mexican standoffs? I love my Gators of course, but any College Bowl game you'd like to discuss is cool. Did you love your New Year's Eve? Are you still hungover? Any Oscar-bound movies you love? Which New Years resolutions did you make and love? Or not love.
If you haven't seen them yet, you'll love the photos and videos that GG11 took live at the game against the Panthers. And finally, you can let me know if you love this random blonde chick from habsordie.com breaking down the Panthers game (lap dance to reader Ryan):
Friday, January 01, 2010
After having gone 6 and 1 in this seven-game road trip to close out 2009, the Habs prompt our list of best "Leaving on a High" move of all time.
- Seinfeld: The Episode: Shown above, George makes it a point to craft the right joke and make an immediate exit for greater effect.
- Seinfeld: The Series: Modeled on the concept of the episode, the writers abruptly decide to pull the plug on the show while it's still on top, after 9 seasons. (Six Feet Under and the Sopranos, I burn for you too)
- Ken Dryden: Played fewer than 7 full seasons. .790 winning percentage, lifetime 2.24 g.a.a., 5 Vezinas, 6 Stanley Cups, the last one in 79 after which he retires at the ripe age of 32. Other notable facts: Dryden quit his law firm after destroying the opposition in his first case. He left his wife the night of their wedding and he intends to leave office the day after he is elected Prime Minister.
- The Habs capping off 2009 with a 6-1 record on a 7-game road trip. C'mon, that just wasn't on our radar screen. Thanks to Marky who doesn't have a proper FHF name yet. How did that happen?
- Michael Jordan after first retirement from basketball in 1993 after registering a dominating three-peat. He leaves as arguably the best player ever. He returns in 1995 and leads the Bulls to a repeat three-peat (96-97-98). Jordan proceeds to have the longest exit from basketball ever, retiring and unretiring 17 more times before calling it quits for good.
- Michael Shumacher: Ok, while not statistically on top, nor a world champion at the time of his retirement in 2006, he left F-1 as one of the greatest ever and headed the best collaboration between Germans and Italians since Hitler called Mussolini and said "Hey Benito, I gotta an idea..."
- Tiger Woods: So many ways to imagine what "He was on top" could mean. We'll miss ya Tiger, but your time away will allow us to reflect on the fact that while you do look like a star with your cap on, when it's off your receding hairline makes you look like the dorkiest dude ever. It's like Superman goes back in the phone booth and comes out looking like Steve Urkel. Keep the cap on buddy and don't forget to give back the Tag on your way out, ya, that one too, uh, no, no it's not yours, just loaned it to you, yah sorry.
- Heath Ledger: Loved this guy in EVERYTHING he did. Blew me away as the latest incarnation of the Joker, blew me away while blowing a cowboy. I wish I could quit you Heath.
- Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, John Bonham, Sid Vicious, Keith Moon, B.I.G., Tupac, Elvis, Jim Morrison, Marvin Gaye and Freddie Mercury: Just imagine what we could have had and be thankful for whatever they gave.
- I need to leave you wanting more.