Let me Grab a Chair Here While I Wait For Someone to Shoot a Puck On Me

I swear I saw him do this last night

I really don't want to do this. Not that I don't like FHF readers. I do. I like em a lot and I aim to please but what is there to say about a game I didn't  hardly watched.

We have some problems with that first line...

Yes, Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta and the Third Wheel that comes attached have as much rhythm as I did when my wife and I took salsa lessons many years back. My paralysis of the hips must be induced by Latino beats.

It kinda goes like this.

Dancing, dancing, ... Billie Jean is....twirling around, 90s running man, That girl is Poysooonn!....totally feeling it....IT'S MY PRE-RO-GA-TIIIIVE!..woooo!!! ....Ay, la vida es un carnaval... falls to the floor convulsing.

Now I'm sure Gomez can bust the shit out of the Macarena but I'm not seeing his end to end wizardry as much - and that's what matters to me.

Gio, you're going to get a bit more rope from me because you're not earning the 24 million dollars a shift your linemate is and you're my captain. I can't question your wisdom. For all I know, this comatose start may have been part of your sadistic plan to begin with.

Marty I told you you're not welcome here anymore


A couple of years ago, it appeared the tide had started to turn in the Habs' favour. We beat the Devils on the road a couple of times. Nicked them in Montreal... it looked as if the Brodeur stigma were fading. Not sure about that anymore. He ties the all-time wins record in Montreal, beats the Habs late last year in an important season ending stretch and grabs a shutout last night as if he were picking a grape off the vine.

Cammy, Cammy, It's Time to Get Out of Bed Sir


All that holiday food still feeling heavy there buddy? It's the sabbath today. Ask the Lord for help and he shall pour the nectar of prolific scoring into your soul. Or get off your ass and get to work.

Crap, this is making me upset.

I can't go on. I'm aggravated. Actually, no I'm busy as hell, watched 11 minutes of the game because I made my wife rosemary lemon chicken and refuse to play this game of deceit any longer. You, the FHF reader, deserve better.

Kinda Sorta Instant Karma's Gonna Get Lou: Devils Preview and Open Thread

Yeah, I'm as disturbed by this image as you are.

Listen, it's no secret we think Lou Lamareillo is evil.  Hell, just last week Panger pointed out that Lou fires coaches at weird times and takes all the credit.  He foisted the hockey world's most soul-destroying style on the NHL and inspired so many copycat teams the league actually had to change the rules to make hockey interesting again.  He convinced an arbitrator to gut St. Louis by handing him Scott Fucking Stevens for a wet-behind-the-ears Brendan Shanahan (even in their respective primes, you're FUCKING CRAZY if you trade Stevens for Shanahan straight up).  He hid long term injured players in the minors to avoid cap problems.  He looked the other way when noted headhunter Stevens played heat-seeking missile with people's skulls.  He never condemned Cam Janssen for nearly murdering Tomas Kaberle.  Did I mention he sucked the life out of the NHL with "Devils hockey", which consisted of Martin Brodeur, Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski at the back, Elias and Sykora up front and 15 nameless, faceless backchecking drones who bored their way to three Cups? 

Well, look what's happening now.  After Lou went all in at the trade deadline last year for Ilya Kovalchuk, who might be the runaway winner in a "Name the Least New Jersey Devil-Like Forward in the NHL", the Devils are finally getting their karmic due.  We hope.  Kovalchuk was a point-per-game player in 27 regular season games with New Jersey, and had another 6 points in 5 playoff games.  But he never gelled with his linemates and the whole team looked disjointed and out of synch in the 4-1 playoff loss to the Flyers.  This summer, Lou came up with a contract so outlandish that even the idiots in the NHL head offices couldn't look past it.  It cost the Devils $3 million dollars, a 3rd round pick and a future 1st round pick.  The Devils then turned around and signed Kovalchuk to a 15 year, $100 million dollar deal that has hamstrung their payroll so badly they played with 15 skaters due to injuries and suspensions.  The Devils cap situation is so bad they couldn't bring anyone up from the farm.  Tee hee hee.  Now, with Kovalchuk still a square peg in a round hole, Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski long gone, Martin Brodeur suddenly showing his age and the effects of 35 years of cheesburgers for breakfast, and no cap room, the Devils are struggling.  Watch them blow the Habs out of the water tonight just to piss me off. 

The details: Tonight, live from the Bell Centre at 7:30.  On the RDS and the free til October24 for Bell Expressvu subscribers Centre Ice.  Habs 3-1-1 coming off win versus Ottawa on Saturday, Devils in (hopefully) karmic free-fall at 1-4-1. 

Men at opposite ends of the rink and yin-yang spectrum:  TFS looking at his sixth straight start in Operation Make People Forget Jaro.  Big fat cheated on his wife with her sister Marty Brodeur is finally looking mortal but has a career record versus Montreal of eleventy billion wins, two losses and a goals against of minus 6.01. 

Hot like the girls of Montreal: Well, Big Tits might not qualify as "hot" per se, but we'll take this version of Andre all season.  Cammy and Pleks will also lead the way.  Josh Gorges is making like some sort of Guy Lapointe redux, scoring on one end and keeping everything safe on the other.  For the Devils, nobody looks really hot, but Kovalchuk, Parise and Elias can and will beat you given half a chance. 

Cold like the crackhouses of Newark: Big Fat Marty has a save percentage of 887.  That's also the current calorie count on his breakfast sandwich.  Old warhorses Jamie Langenbrunner, Jason Arnott and Dainus Zubrus are a combined -18 with 8 points.  For the Habs, Travis Moen wasn't the answer to jumpstarting the Giant Mexican line, so now Gionta and Gomez get Tommy Pyatt.  Giant Mexican Pie for everyone!  PK seems to be getting some flak for trying to do too much.  Jaro 2.0 looks abysmal.  We're leaving pointless Lars Eller out of here for now because he certainly looks like he'll break out.  Soon.  We think. 

Busted up like the Beatles after Yoko: For the Habs, still Markov.  For the Devils, uber-shotblocker Anton Volchenkov blocked something with his face, so he's out with a broken nose.  Fellow defenders Anssi Salmela, Mark Fraser, and Bryce Salvador out after knee surgery, hand surgery, and a concussion respectively.  Noted Habs killer Brian Rolston has a hernia that needs fixin. 

Read stuff about Lou and the rest of the Devils here, if you're a masochistic weirdo: In Lou We Trust (trust to what?  Bore you to death?  Stab you in the back and take all the credit?  Make your beloved team the bane of good hockey's existance?)

Fun facts you might not know: Current Canadiens captain Brian Gionta holds the Devils single-season records for goals and power play goals in a season.  Gomez is the highest scoring rookie in Devils history.  Marty Brodeur just ate your lunch while you weren't looking.  Former Devil and Canadien Big Bad Voodoo Vlady Malakhov was technically not a zombie; he just played that way. 

Got your own reasons Lou Lamareillo is evil?  Let us know in the comments.

Classic Albums Presents Bon Kovy New Jersey - Game Preview and Open Thread

Running out of Jersey cliches, Habs versus Devils, Parise/Kovalchuk/Brodeur vs Gomez/Pleks/Markov blah blah blah 7:00 at the Bell Centre. Let's get to the music! (Apologies to moeman, 29, and the hairmetal stylings of one Mr. John Francis Bongiovi, Jr.)

"Born To Be Our Goalie"

Your dad was a goalie back in the day
Took up photography 'cause of bills to pay
Now you're the French goalie that got away
Our love, our Cups

Wish back then they'd drafted you with pride
Wouldn't need a good offence with you on our side
Without you our Cup hopes fade and die
Our dreams, our pride

You beat the Habs like a drum (all night)
Shut them out and score one (your play is airtight)
And I'll never let go cause
There's something I know deep inside

You were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans
Coulda had something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand
Only God would know the seasons
We could have had if you had been the man
Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

Win two Cups, blow the world away
Two Olympic golds also on your tray
You ain't fancy, Marty that's OK
Your time, your way

When your team keeps it close better hang on tight
Buckle up, Marty, it's a bumpy ride
Habs are fighting for their playoff life
Our world, our fight

If the Habs play real hard (all night)
There's a chance they'll get by (and it's alright)
And I'll know that you'll be fine
In my heart till the day that I die

Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans
Coulda had something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand
Only God would know the seasons
We could have had if you had been the man
Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

[Solo]

You beat the Habs like a drum (all night)
Shut them out and score one (your play is airtight)
And I'll never let go cause
There's something I know deep inside

Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans
Coulda had something to believe in
Even if we don't know where we stand
Only God would know the seasons
We could have had if you had been the man

Cause you were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

You were born to be our goalie
And Marty, we were made to be your fans

Bon soir, Montreal! We love you!!!!!!

Jersey Boys Game Preview and Open Thread

Fresh off the jettisoning of the big goomba BGL and with Cammilleri being all Frankie "I'm in charge here" Valli in practice, the Habs take a trip to the epicentre of all that is Italian and ruling the theatres ... er, Eastern Conference. It's Jersey, yo. Grab your program and ask the usher where your seat is ... this is a classy show, not like that bullshit hippy Rent thing. Buncha animals in that show, I tells ya. Not a shiny silver suit amongst them.

Oh What a Night: Live from the Prudential Centre in beautiful downtown Newark, 7:00 pm on the RDS. Don't wear any jewellery, don't walk anywhere alone, and for gawdsakes, don't make eye contact with Reggie the Crackhead outside Gate C. No matter what he tells you, he is NOT a Devils employee. Devils coming off another shutout. Habs coming off the furious comeback loss to St. Louis and dealing with all the BGL/Cammy/MadMax backstage sniping.

Walk Like a Man: Benoit Pouliot looks every bit like the 4th overall pick he was supposed to be. He might save Gainey's job all by his lonesome. Well, he's getting lots of help from his Jersey Boy linemates Gionta and Gomez too. Can Cammi use his recent fiestiness to springboard back into goal-scoring action? Is Pleks assist last game the start of a new streak? Let's hope. Oh hey, look, Marty Brodeur just had his one-millionth shut-out. Jesus. The man is boring but consistently excellent. Like every week, Devils goals come from the uber-talented Zach Parise and not many other places. They've got Brodeur, Parise, Jacques Lemaire coaching and 20 other shock troops and they will steamroll almost anyone in the league using that very formula.

The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore: Oh, where in the hell is the supporting cast in this show? Pacioretty, Moen, Metro, Mad Max, D'Agostini ... I can't remember the last time one of them actually stepped up and won this team a game. Jaro 2.0, Gill, Mara, and Hamr look older and slower than every defence corps in the league. Price put the Habs in a hole and nearly got himself concussed reaching for a puck against noted headhunter Cam Janssen. Not pretty. For New Jersey, Captain Jaime Langenbrunner is pointless in 3, so are Travis Zajac and noted Hab-killer Brian Rolston. Niclas Bergfors would fit right in on the Habs third and fourth lines, since he's pointless in 7.

Big Girls Don't Cry: No, this isn't the BGL bashing section. We're talking walking wounded. Both Tits still out, Andrei for a few more weeks, Sergei has-been day-to-day for seemingly forever. Anyone else think he's goldbricking and marking time till he bolts for the KHL? Devils still missing long-term absentees Paul Martin, Dainuis Zubris and David Clarkson, and Patrick Elias is now concussed in the head.
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Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You: Pookie and Schnookie. Self-professed Devils fans since 1997 who run Interchangeable Parts. It's equal doses of smart, funny, and holy-crap we can't believe we cheer for the Devils angst from two ladies. What's not to like?

I'm in the Mood for Love: Your post-game entertainment? Hail a cab and get your ass out of Newark as fast as possible, head across the river for some after-show drinks just off Broadway. Or the Spearmint Rhino. Whatever.

DREAMS OF JARO: Devils 2 - Habs 1 (O.T.)

Helo Mentreal! It's me, Jaro! For so too long now I heer in pepers that we gat big prablems in Candediens teem. Two golies who want pley mach hackey but only one net on ice! Crazy nhl! Why put one golie on bench if teem no get points when shoot to bench!

I so sad Mentreal. Jaro so sad. I pley and pley and I put no gols to behind me in my net and Mentreal teem that pley so bad and give me 97 shots to every game win always and always the time. But fans no love Jaro. Teem no love Jaro.

Jaro wait and wait and wait for love, but nobady love Jaro. Noo Jersi so gret teem with Martoun Bradore in nets. He prabably ween stanley cap one day. They sey I pley him in Vancuver in Toothpiclympics. I kent wait!!! Brader!!! Only I ween stanley cup in Vancuver!!!!

Noo Jersi pley so good with coch Jack Lemayor. He mayor of Noo Jersi you know? But he speek french so they call him LeMayor. Ok! Ok! Jack I also mayor of Slovakia, so you call me Lejaro. Jersi so gret teem they pley trap hackey but game so open with gret chances and mayor of Paris Parisé score too meny gol on me to my net!

Now I lose game and peeple sey oh fat Cari have to but whatle ass in my net to pley next game because Jaro no beet Lemayor hackey. And Jaro so sad. And he hear rumors about asking to go away and leave Mentreal to to other gret teem. It's nat truue.

I never ask to trade. Never. I asked Bob Ganee if I could leeve teem and accoomplish my dreeem. So many time I sey to me, I want to eat good taste tuna sandwich and I have to tuna in house! Then coch Martoun call practice and I practice like great golie all day and i go home and i sey to me "Oh no! I forget to buy my tuna for make my tuna sandwich! And I so hangry for tuna!

What if I could be my tuna ontheline, on the internet? What if i could rate my tuna and sey "Oh this was the best tuna or no, yash this was not good tuna!" Or what if a geniuous could tell me "Hey Jaro! If you like this tuna we think you will mach like this other fish!"

My dreem is to leave Mentreal and leave hackey and to create for the world iTunas:

I create my campany called Fish and we make iTunas where you can always have tuna even when hackey coch call you for to parctice and you forget to go to supermarcket to buy good tuna. Now you can buy tuna on iTuna store and we send it to you in tuna truck in one hour! Can you beleeeve???

You can put itunas on your typewriter and down to load iTunas and create lists of favorite moments of tuna! You can make tuna ringtones made with different sounds tunas make! my friends did this and listen what they say!

- Jaro: Hey Bill did you down to load tuna ringtone?

- Bill: Uh, yeah Jaro, I put the tuna ringtone and I missed all my calls because I could never hear the phone ring.

- Jaro: Fentestic!!!

Be like my friend Bill and get tuna ringtone. Soon I dreem to make the perfect phone for peeple to buy tuna from telefone! When my iCod comes out people can buy tuna on iTunas directly to from music pleyer!!! Every week I talk about fish in my video that i put in the Codcasts on iTunas and peeple will will mach love this videos! I will talk about gret tuna in Slovakia that my mather made to me everyday, every single day. I ask my mather for hambourger and she sey No Jaro, tuna.

You can buy so mach tuna on iTunas. Tuna from anywere in worl! Rio tuna, Pastene Tuna, 4 leef of Clover tuna, Leef of Mapel Tuna. Ha! Taranto so gret teem they like me Jaro! They pley hackey and they also sell tuna! And maybe if I am so rich I make JaroMayo for to go with my iTunas! If you have prablems with itunas that send you meny mails I give you fishware to make tuna stop. Its promise from me Jaro!

I no want pley hackey anymore. I no want be call names by Fat Cari Wale. I kill wales in my tuna net! I want to sell tuna! I want to dance.

Fear the Situation: Jersey (Shore) Game Preview and Open Thread

Urge to kill...rising

Fresh off the shutout of Florida, the Habs host Marty Brodeur, Snooki, Zach Parise, Pauly D and The Situation in the Bell Centre. Hit the tanning salon, put on your finest Ed Hardy tee, and enjoy the trainwreck!

Waiting in line at Karma, Bamboo, or some other ridiculously named, neon filled, Guido infested Jersey Shore nightmare: RDS and the CBC will show you the goods at 7:00 pm from the Bell Centre. Habs on big one game shutout streak, Devils were on a three-game winning streak before last night's game against Tampa was called midway through because the fucking power went out. Congratulations, Jeremy Jacobs and the Boston Bruins; that time the power went out in the Boston Garden during the Finals versus the Oilers now looks slightly less embarrassing. SLIGHTLY.

Hot like Pauly D spinnin' tunes or JWoww fightin' other Jersey Shore biatches: All hail the Giant Mexican Chicken, which has given the Habs secondary scoring ... or is it primary scoring? (see below). Andrei Markov has slowed slightly, but that's gonna happen when nobody is scoring. Jaro. JAR. O. Stopped a ton of shots again. Shutout again. Kept the team alive again. Where is this team without it's goalies? Down in the Taylor Hall sweeps, that's where. For the Devils ... hmmm ... can't think of anyone who is hot other than OH, EVERYFUCKINGONE. Marty Brodeur is ageless and sets a new record every time he laces on his skates, Zach Parise should terrify every Canadian Olympic hockey fan because he and Ryan Miller give the US a puncher's chance, and Travis Zajac is the 6-3, 200 pound centre the Habs have needed since Bobby Smith left. By the way, the Devils have won 14 of their last 17 versus Montreal. Just sayin'.

Cold like Sammi when Ronnie is shakin his Guido-self on the dance floor without her: Remember the excitement when GMC started clicking and we all celebrated the arrival of secondary scoring? Well, since Big Tits went down, Pleks and Squid are scoreless in 3. Max Pac is also scoreless in 3. Matt "I've got pictures of Bob, Jacques and the Molson Brothers performing a satanic ritual with 3 CEGEP girls and a goat" D'Agostini is scoreless in fourteen fucking games. FOURTEEN. FUCKING. GAMES. He spent time on the "first" line last game. Read that last sentence again and tell me you're happy with this team's development system. For the Devils, when you are cruising along atop the conference or close to it, everyone is livin' large like The Situation in the hot tub, but Patrick Elias may finally be on a downward slope. Watch him score a hat trick tonight.

Busted like Snooki's face after the infamous punch heard round the Shore: You've probably heard the news: Big Tits has knee trouble and is out for up to six weeks. Little Tits is still a few games away, and Rhino is questionable as he returns from family matters in B.C. Jersey is missing defender Paul Martin indefinitely with a broken arm, Dainus Zubrus indefinitely with a busted kneecap, and valuable winger David Clarkson has leg issues.

Watchu lookin' at? You gotta problem wit' us?: We have no problems with our good friends the Ookies over at Interchangeable Parts. Any lovely ladies who can keep their senses of humour after willingly watching Devils hockey year after year are okay in our books. We're almost positive neither of them have hooked up with Pauly D or The Situation.

Post-game adult entertainment: Grab some Crystal and join JWoww, Snooki, The Situation, Vinny and Pauly D in the hot tub. Just make sure you take a shower afterwards.

It's all about The Streak - Devils Game Preview and Open Thread

This is what you get when you type "Devils girls". With a little MS Paint work thrown in.

We're fucking serious about this winning streak business people. Three games in a row we've done our Google image search for "[opponent team name] girls" and just thrown the information out there; three games in a row we've won. We won't even mention the other streak that yours truly has not been able to watch those three games in a row and we've won, 'cause we'll be watching tonight. Wait, what?

Game time tonight is 7:00 PM at the Phone Booth. Hot CBC action! Habs have won the aforementioned 3 in a row on this epic homestand. Devils are hot as hell (see what I did there?), 6-1 in their last 7. Marty who? Habs have actually beaten the Devils in their last 3 games. I find that hard to believe. First Devils game of the year means Ookies! Yes, Schnookie and Pookie are still rocking over at Interchangeable Parts.

We have some hot Habs! Really! Big Tits 6 points in the 3 game winning streak. The Dagger is rolling! And let's give that 4th line the credit they never got 'cause we didn't review the Rangers game. On the other side of the ledger, Higgy pointless in four games, Kovy goalless in four hundred. DOOM still rocking the coach's suit. Not even Carbo is stupid enough to fuck with the lineup that won the last two.

Plenty of hotties for the Devils. Elias 13 points in his last 7 games, Gionta 9 in 6, and Parise 7 in 5. Elias scored the game-tying goal AND the winner in OT against the Flyers on Thursday. I cannot for the life of me remember when we played the Devils and Brodeur wasn't in the net. Devils suckitude on the PP is not too suprising, but their 28th ranking on the PK must be a typo. These are not your father's Devils.

When the game is over, how about heading over to Montreal institution Super Sexe. Ooh, a new website. Helloooo. Seeing "contact" on the website is confusing.

Here are some non-NHL topics for discussion - Raptors lose Triano's debut, Eric Guay takes a bronze in a downhill, NFL players get reprieve by a judge, and most importantly GO GATORS!!!!

Dodo Eggs Hatch, America Pulls Out of Iraq, Spears Beats Kasparov in Epic Duel - Habs 4, Devils 3

Bloody impossible.

Down 3-1 to begin the third period in New Jersey, the odds had Vegas closing shop and headin' on home.

The latest Habs-Devils matchup couldn't have looked more redundant. The Canadiens played here in vain throughout the Bush administration. The trouncing of the Bruins on Tuesday night must have been the result of a Guy Carbonneau speech that would have included the following reminder: "Look, you ass warts, we all know we're gonna get raped in Jersey on Thursday, so we better come out hungry tonight and get those two points".

Psychology and sports. Like Denzel and passionate pleas from a prison cell. The Bruins boss the NHL around all year but can only boast a good but not great record because the Habs, in handing them a quarter of their losses so far, have balanced out their results. Embattled Boston faces the Habs and the Bruins suddenly look smaller, slower, feeble. Montreal is to Boston what New Jersey is to Montreal. The Habs require mental bypass surgery to get through the psychological blockade that inevitably leaves them clueless in a Brodeur crease.

Outwardly, a New Jersey-Montreal game usually looks like a bore. A slow tempo display of Devil patience in a game of low risk trapping and containment. It offers the few remnants of the NHL in the dark years, a nothing's changed cadence of three evenly dull periods in the blandest show hockey has to offer.

Yawn.

If the editors in New Jersey had commissioned the Another Day at the Office headline for the following day's sports section during the second intermission, those orders had to be called back 30 seconds into the third, when the Habs decided to leave the past behind and pen a fresh new story for this game.

Because, truth be told, this game really started in the third period. With a Brian Smolinski finally parking himself where he is paid to be, in front of the net, 2 goals would come off his stick. His second of the night, the early marker to begin the third, erased the New Jersey momentum conjured by the Elias goal in the second that had made it 3-1 and given the impression that the game was out of reach.

The Kovalev line appeared to draw much from this early sign of promise and resumed its inexplicable brand of genius from there on end. With Kovalev a master of puck possession, the line willed itself into the New Jersey zone. And there it stayed. And there it was joined, by the whole team, with every line taking its turn at pushing New Jersey deeper and deeper into their own end. With that came inevitable attempts to thwart the Montreal blitz, a tactic which only yielded a flurry of Devil penalties and an ensuing abundance of scoring chances for the NHL's premier power play unit.

We can attempt to lend Montreal Braveheart desire and label this game their unflinching dedication to a win in New Jersey. No need for the exaggeration. This was just a result of focus, work, and a good use of the team's most prized asset: speed. That, and the levelling out required by the law of averages; Montreal had to win in New Jersey one day.

It comes as little surprise that the Habs found cracks in a team that has begun to move away from the quasi dynasty built over the better part of the last decade. While still inspired by phenomenal goaltending, the Devils of yesterday were not constructed with the image of the new NHL in mind. Stripped away on the blue line with the departures of Rafalski, Niedermayer and Stevens, the rigid steel that opposing forwards feared at the back now bends, seemingly at will, should a team want it enough. Age, evolution and change in the way the game is played, all these things have aided in arresting New Jersey's imposing march. Despite its apparent demise, the franchise still manges to maintain and cultivate this aura of greatness, incredibly in the middle of oft-neglected New Jersey, the likes of which only certain teams in this league have managed to thread as part of their fabric. Everyone in New Jersey, including Martin Brodeur, knows who to thank for that. Even in a new found mediocrity, the Devils still appear to be great.

Last night, this evidence of mortality paid Montreal 2 much welcomed points. And with them, more importantly, the comfort in knowing that the Devils can now finally be beaten in New Jersey.

Special Jersey Post-Game Edition: Devils 4, Habs Ohhh!

Inspired by a season 1 script. Fugget about it!

(Tv) the Four Habs Fans were arrested last night for having placed illegal bets on a Canadiens game. It is stupidly illegal to bet on the Habs winning in New Jersey. Now in hiding, they have eluded the authorities and are sitting idle, waiting on news to learn who ratted them out (and who bet on the Devils).

HF10: I'd hate to have been there when he got home after that fucking game. I don't know which is more embarrassing: To be caught in a bordello or to be caught at that game with that fucking pathetic excuse for a performance. Can't win a fucking game in Jersey this fucking team. Be that as it may, or whatever, I'm gonna kill the rat bastard who did this, and who bet on the fucking Devils, God forbid.

HF33: Asshole. What's a bordello?

HF29: It's a fancy name for a whorehouse. Don't start, okay?

HF10: It is. Yeah, I know it is I just don't like that talk. This country is light years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution. And a way to beat fucking Martin Brodeur. How the fuck can the Habs let him piss on them every time he plays them? Christ.

Panger: Don't you have somewhere to be?

HF10: I mean it's a joke, he has a career 1.74 G.A.A. against the Habs.

HF29: What a fanouk. 34 wins in 51 games against the Habs. What the fuck were we thinking.

HF10: Don't forget the 8 shutouts.

HF29: Shut up.

HF10: We deserved what we got. Like President Clinton, he got monica kasinski and the broad with the long nose. I just don't think betting for the Habs in New Jersey and sex should be a punishable offense.

HF29: You know, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think that talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. No more sex talk, okay?

HF29's child: It's the '90's, parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children. Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. Out there it's the 1990's but in this house it's 1954. God bless the Rocket Richard. 1990's - 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear anymore sex talk, okay?

Panger: What's with him?

(Doorbell)

HF29: 10, go see who's at the door.

HF10: I'm eating.

HF29: You won't have any teeth left to eat with if you don't get up off your ass and go see who's at the door.

HF33: Make sure you know who it is before you answer it.

Panger: Who is coming at dinner time? We lose 4-0 and haven't had time to stomach it and people just ring at the fucking door?

HF33: People can't call.

HF10: It's uncle Lost Cojones.

Panger: Uncle Cojones! Let him in.

HF29: I don't believe it. How'd you get out? Carm, look who's here. It's Senators Lost Cojones, he's out.

Carm (married to HF29): My god. SLC.

SLC: Thought you'd never see me again, huh carm?

HF29: What happened?

SLC: Long story, you got some place in private we can talk?

HF29: Yeah, in the basement. I got all my Guy Lafleur memorabilia down there.


(they go down to the basement)


HF29: What's going on?

SLC: You got a problem.

HF29: Yeah I know. I'm working on it.

SLC: Your team is slumping. Big time. I don't mean no disrespect but they have lost, what is it 7 of their last 10. Shut out twice in a week. The offense has gone cold. The first line skates like it's got canolis in their asses. Working on what?

HF29: You guys ain't banging fuckin' Sophia Lauren either last time I checked, ya know. Why, what were you gonna say?

SLC: You better lay low with that safe house money. All the cash you won on other bets, cause they're gonna come after you for the cash you lost on this game.

HF29: What are you talking about?

SLC: They were asking me a lot of questions in there. If I knew anything about the new kid, Carey Price. His flaws, his weaknesses. I told them I only saw him play us once. I didn't know enough about him to say.

HF29: You look good.

SLC: Thanks. (awkward pause)...My lawyer told the cops I didn't have to tell em balls about Price. I wasn't responsible for that.

HF29: Good thinking. Missed your calling, should have been a lawyer.

SLC: Please. Enough people hate me.


(A few hours later)

HF33: Get off the phone. I got to go.

HF29: What's up?

HF33: It's Lost Cojones. It's fucking Cojones.

HF10: What?

HF33: The wire, it's fucking Cojones!

HF29: What are you talking about?

HF33: The wire. You understand, the wire. It's fucking Cojones. Holy shit. New fingerprint technique.

HF29: I should have killed him in my fucking basement.

HF10: Both FHF bitter rivals got busted at the same fucking time. Senators Lost Cojones and PPP Pussy. You understand? Two fat fucks with black hair.

HF29: Where the fuck is paulie, er...Panger?

HF10: He called an hour ago. I swear to god he said he's on his way.

HF29: Why the fuck isn't he here now?

HF10: Jesus, tony, er HF29.... You don't think... Panger jumped the gun? You think he may be a Devils fan?

HF29: Shut up, god forbid. God forbid. Don't talk like that. Where's Pussy PPP? Get him on the phone. Get him on the phone.

HF33: Alright.

HF10: I haven't seen him since Panger took him to the schvitz.

(Panger walks in)

Panger: Hey fellas.

HF33: Where the fuck have you been? I've been calling you all night long!

Panger: I was at my gummar's. I told HF33 I was coming.

HF29: You answer me like i'm jesus christ himself. And if you fucking lie to me may your mother die of cancer of the eyes. Where's PPP Pussy?

Panger: I don't know.

HF29: Don't you fucking lie to me.

Panger: What?

HF29: Did you do it?

Panger: 29

HF29: -- don't fucking lie to me. Did you do it?

Panger: No.

HF29: Did you fucking do it?

Panger: No.

HF29: Did you fucking do it? Did you bet on the Devils! Did you tell the cops we bet on the Habs winning in New Jersey! Did you tell them the Devils were on a roll with 5 straight wins and had not lost to the Habs since two thousand fucking two?

Panger: I said no! Now get your fuckin' hands off me. C'mon, 29.

HF29: I'm sorry Panger. I can't find PPP Pussy anywhere. Nobody knows anything. I'm upset the power play went o-3 in the first ten minutes of the game and that Brodeur came out of that period with 16 saves and an ego like the Pope's.

Panger: I haven't seen PPP since the schvitz. Last thing he said to me was "go fuck yourself. Leafs rule."

HF33: That son of a bitch. Did he at least take the schvitz?

Panger: He refused to take his clothes off. The rat. I can't believe even the Kovalev line went cold. Don't you think Chipchura should be bumped up a line. The kid can play. I wanna see him with some scorers on the wings.

HF10: It's fucking SLC. He ratted us. He wants the conference to himself. And control over northeast operations.

HF10: The Habs are slumping 29. Like last year. The slide has begun, god forbid. Maybe we should look at diversifying our interests.

HF29: Fuck it, let's all have a drink. And off to the bing for some strippers. I'm tired of hiding. I love the Habs and I'm tired of fucking hiding it. There's no shame in it. Go Habs go.

Evil Genius Lou Lamariello Does it Again

The Habs road got a little tougher yesterday, as New Jersey GM/Overlord/Evil Genius Lou Lamariello locked up his young star Zach Parise for $12.5 million over the next four years.

Now, I'm no salary cap expert and I can't do math, but the Evil Genius must have performed some sort of Jedi Mind trick on Parise in order to get him to sign for less than Mikka Koivu got from Minny. You know, the same trick he used to get one of the best goalies ever to resign for way under market value, the same trick he used to get Patrick Elias to resign for way under market value, the same trick he uses on the NHL to convince them to wipe Alex Mogilny and Vlad Malakhov's salaries off the books to stay under the cap, the same trick he uses to convince coaches to come to the Swamp only to get jerked around so Lou gets all the credit, the same trick he used on an arbitrator to convince them that proper compensation for a very young, still finding his way in the league Brendan Shanahan was Scott Fucking Stevens. Seriously, has this guy got pictures of everybody?

And where the hell was Kevin Lowe when we needed him? He's offering Dustin Penner $21 million while a way better talent like Parise is watching Darth Lamariello choke out his parents using only his mind until he signs (in blood, no doubt) on the dotted line.

For the love of Guy, don't let Bob sit anywhere near Lou at the GM's meetings in 2010, or he'll end up handing over Carey Price just as Brodeur and his salary cap number mysteriously land on the "physically unable to perform" list.