Tuesday, September 30, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room: FHF Previews the Fourth Line Battle for Roster Spots

This is what training camp battles will look like when FHF runs the NHL.

On the Main Stage – 6 guys - Laraque, Begin, Mad Max, Chips, El Dandy, and Greek Lightning - fighting for 5 spots.

Eager and ready (?) to enter, stage left - Ben Maxwell, Greg Stewart, Matt D’Agostini and Max-Pac are all long shots to make the roster and have to steal one from a vet – a phrase Coach Carbo must recite in is sleep. All these guys have Little Tits/mid season recall potential – especially Max-Pac, who seems to be on the fast track to the bigs. At this point I have the urge to add: suck it, Brendan Shanahan. We’ve got our own budding power forward (is it bad I’m thrilled the Rangers have told to Shanny take a walk? Oh I love holding grudges).

The tits - it's nice to have such problems. Remember when Patrick Poulin was a 3rd/4th liner? (Yeah, I don’t want to think about those days either.) Dandy can still play some ‘d’, versatility which Carbo seems to cherish. You have to keep the young gun/potential 2nd/3rd line center, My Boy Chips, don’t you? (Please?)

The cellulite - Greek Lightning, whose PK time may be taken up by other players like Little Tits and Chips, and his pugilistic skills are obviously redundant given the presence of the league’s reigning heavyweight champ. He’s also the French press’s favorite to be cut if RDS/Francois Gagnon are to be believed, conveniently also deflecting any talk of El Dandy getting the axe.

The armpit hair – Detroit’s 4th line (assuming everyone’s healthy) will be the slick Jiri Hudler (who can slide all thy way up to the first line) with Tomas Kopecky (the guy who clocked Carle) and old war horse Kirk Maltby, with the Darrens, Helm and McCarty, in reserve. Um, the Habs can brag about depth and fights for jobs, but they’re still not in the Wings' league. And we’re not even talking defensive depth, where the Wings go ten deep. Did that sound dirty? I hope so.

In the VIP Room - I’m betting El Dandy sees his name on the waiver wire first, because Greek Lightning seems like a popular guy in the room, although that may be a reason for Carbo to fear a putsch, who knows. GL may only be living on borrowed time because Laraque may still be nursing – or more likely, having some young woman nurse – his sore groin for a while. However, Dandy has a habit of strutting around in pink g-strings around the locker room. (OK, that’s not true, but admit it - somehow believable.)

Chez Parée bound? Conventional wisdom says Georgy Boy, Mad Max and Begin seems to have three spots locked up, so who are we to disagree? That would mean thinking for ourselves, and we swore off that in the 80s. My heart says My Boy Chips and GL start the season, but I’m not sure GK will finish it there. We’ll see if my heart’s an ass.

Signature song – I’m Not Over, Carolina Liar. Both Dandy and GL may be saying that to themselves if they don’t make the team, because from this angle their careers are in jeopardy if they fail to make the cut. (I'm know the song is actually about getting over a break up, but the title fits and I wanted an excuse to show that I still know the music kids are listening to these days.)

8 lap dances (out of 10) – speed and sandpaper, grit and grace, whatever combination of players starts the year on the bottom art of the roster will collectively bring some intangibles every team needs to win. OK who are we kidding, these guys aren’t going to win us any games, but they can keep the Habs from losing them.

3a.m. Smoked Meat Sandwiches:

HF29: An abundance of quality 4th liners. That’s sort of a mixed blessing, isn’t it? But goddamn if Chips doesn’t play at least 70 games this year I will be pissed.

HF10: Why everyone continues to be in love with a broken-down, misses too many games Steve Begin is beyond me. Last year his total team guy mantle got taken by Greek Lightning. GL is more durable and just as effective, and if he was from Ste Agathe and Begin from Oshawa no one would miss Begin. Also, El Dandy needs to go NOW, fun nickname or not.

If you fill up the line with veterans and let Maxi-Pac play every 28 days, everything will be a-ok.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, September 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the entire capitalist system going to shit...
A very Happy 5769 to all our Jewish readers out there. If you're not pigging out on brisket and tsimmis tonight, you can catch the Wings pop in the Bell Centre on TSN.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Reggie Dunlop: 1925-2008

You've surely heard that iconic actor Paul Newman passed away this weekend at the age of 83. Newman was a philanthropist, devoted husband, racing enthusiast and all-around good guy who was generally acknowledged as one of the greatest actors of all time, with seminal performances in Cool Hand Luke, The Hustler, The Sting, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and The Colour of Money. But to hockey fans everywhere, he will be fondly remembered as the lynchpin of the Chiefs, foul-mouthed, old-time hockey loving player-coach Reggie Dunlop.

Laying bounties on Tim McCracken. Lying to Dickie Duff about the sale to Florida. Sleeping with Hanrahan's lesbian wife. Giving the Hansen's their big break. Loving the fact that Lily undelines the fuck scenes for Braden. Going up to Minnesota with all his guys. Reggie, like Paul, was one of a kind. Newman made Slapshot the best hockey movie ever.

Got a favourite Reggie (or Slapshot in general) quote? Of course you do. Let's hear them in the comments. Personally, I always loved:

"They brought their FUCKIN TOYS WITH 'EM!"

The perfect balance of incredulity, disdain and outright malice. Newman = everyman = Reggie. RIP. You'll live forever in dressing rooms, in bars, on jumbotrons, blogs, and whereever else hockey is getting watched, discussed, agonized over, quoted and loved.

Let the cutting begin!

So the Habs have announced the first round of cuts and it's as crazy as Lindsay Lohan with a knife. No, actually there's nothing really surprising at all amongst the 18 cuts. We were hoping the Subbanator would stick around longer just for the quotes, but he's headed back to Belleville. And our two best pre-season nicknames, Le-Who? and The Glue are headed to Hamilton. Good luck down there you crazy kids!

The Morning Skate for Monday, September 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of / having nightmares of the baseball season being extended by a day...
  • Habs need a SO to beat the Panthers? Habs need 36 saves from Price to beat the Panthers? Fear the collapse, people. Anyway, Big Tits continued his hot pre-season with a goal and Kovy got the game-winner in the SO with a nifty backhand move. The Subbanator had a hell of a Savardian spinnerama and got called for a penalty shot. The kid's making things happen at least;
  • Teemu Selanne signs a two-year deal with the Ducks and scores two in a 5-4 loss to the Canucks.
The first round of cuts will hit the Habs this morning. Keep Yanick Weber!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Weekend Open Thread of Love

As "Desiree" and I were hitting the meth last night, it occurred to me that this weekend was going to be a lazy one around Casa del 29. The weather here in Montreal is gross. So we'll be hanging out watching golf (seriously! Kim vs. Sergio, gonna be awesome) and we'll see if my Florida Gators can make a statement they should be in the #1 discussion. And of course a big slate of NFL games tomorrow while I watch my pool hopes get dashed in week 4.

ANYWAY, I figured if anyone else was out there being lazy they should have a place to make comments about anything. Or, you know, hockey. Hey, did you hear the Habs won last night? Our best effort so far, 5-0 against the Sens. We had the Danse à 10 line and a bunch of prospects, they had most of their real lineup. Big Tits and Markov had 1G 2A each, and Halak went all the way for the SO. Habs 3 for 6 on the PP (Streit who?). And it was spirited - The Subbanator did nicely in one of four fights on the night, and in his usual quote-machine way, said his mom wouldn't like it.

Habs and Sens go back at it tonight, and for all you lucky folks with TSN2 (fuck you, Videotron!), you can check out all the action. Habs play again on Sunday against the Panthers. Go ahead and comment on those games if you're into it. But don't forget, this is the open thread of love so you gotta be nice. Hahaha, we kid. You think we could go 48 hours without being snarky? I think not.

Friday, September 26, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room 100th Anniversary Extravaganza: Bell Centre Beer

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Unlike last year, this season we won't be doing reviews player by player. That was fucking insane. Instead, we'll take a look at the offensive forwards, the defensive forwards, the D and the goalies. But along the way, we'll also be previewing some non-traditional hockey stuff, yet that are still an integral part of the Habs season. Today, we get things going with a preview of the swill they call beer at the Bell Centre.

The tits - it's beer. It (probably) has 5% alcohol by volume. Drink enough you'll get drunk. If you sit in the Molson Ex Zone, you may get one for free.

The cellulite - my god that shit is gross. Allegedly "draft Molson Ex", it tastes like really fizzy skanky water (at best). It will make you run to the bathroom once the tap is open like you can't even imagine. What comes out of your dick at that point probably tastes better than what went in your mouth. Not to mention you paid $9.50 for it.

The armpit hair - overly carbonated, they slap that plastic cup on the top of a huge pile of foam, so when you open it at your seat the foam spills all over your lap. Conveniently, this allows you to piss your pants without much of a difference, so it's a mixed blessing.

In the VIP Room - now, Lord knows I am not one to praise Toronto. But go to the ACC. Revel in the multiple Molson products they have on tap. Revel in the various premium brands and microbrews you can buy in a bottle. Grrrr, I'm getting angry. Shit, our building isn't called the Molson Centre anymore, why the fuck are we still serving that crap?

Chez Parée bound? you could lick the floor at Chez Parée and get a better flavour than Bell Centre beer. This shit wouldn't be served at a topless car wash in Candiac, let alone a top quality adult entertainment establishment. However, I predict I will still drink it when I go to games. BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE.

Signature song - "Too Drunk to Fuck" by Dead Kennedys. The only reason you're drinking this blech is to get plastered. Make sure you listen to that song all the way to the end for the awesome puke sound effect.

0.0005 lap dances (out of 10) - No beer gets a zero in my book. But fuck this one comes close.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF10 - Capitals fans get to choose from at least a half-dozen microbrews on tap at the Verizon Centre. The ACC has it's own fucking BREWERY on site, for Guy's sake. Bell Centre beer is the Breezer of the Habs Gameday experience.

Panger - Bell Centre beer? Get drunk before the game. Drink beer at Hurley’s after the game. Smoke pot during the intermissions.

HF4 - I can't believe the girl in the pic is crazy enough to spill that tiny drop of beer, i.e. 89$ worth of Bell Centre beer, all over herself.

The Game Day Skate for Friday, September 26

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of beating the number one team in the nation...
  • Let's count the walking wounded, shall we? Kovy, Captain K, Higgins, Gang Bang Lang, Tangy, Gui!, Hamrlik, Laracque, Bégin, and of course the un-dead Mathieu Carle. Yeesh. The only good news is that you can add Breezer to the list;
  • As Limerick Dude mentioned in the comments yesterday, Habs sign some half-Czech, half-Swiss goalie we've never heard of. A 3.77 and .877 in the Q last year. Okaaaaayyy...
Habs hit the Bell Centre ice tonight against the Sens. We'll see who's alive enough to play.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Habs Announce Party Plans; Bell Centre to become BYOB (Bring Your Own Boatload of Cash for Souvenirs)

Look, the Habs celebrate their way, we celebrate ours, okay?

So the Canadiens have announced the official party plans for their 100th (give or take a few years) anniversary, and boy is there a shitload of stuff happening:

Six different jerseys, celebrating the Canadiens entire stripy, woollen history. I love the Habs current "classic" bleu, blanc et rouge, which has been the standard forever, but if anyone wants to buy me one of those 1910-11 or 1912-13 or 1945-46 jerseys (Mrs HF10, I'm looking in your direction!) I'd be loving it.

Retiring St. Patrick's number and adding a Ring of Honour. We've already discussed this. No word on whether Cam Neely will rip a shot over Patrick's glove hand during the ceremony. Fucking Cam Neely.

Builders night for the coaches. (Finally Bob Berry gets his due!)

Original Six Salutes versus the Leafs and the Rangers (Rangers fans have their own salute, I bet).

The All-Star game (Vote Price! And Kovy! And Markov! And DOOM! And Tits! And MORE Tits!)

The draft, where we see John Tavares go to the Devils 2nd overall after Uncle Cliffy trades the Leafs pick for Colin White at the trade deadline.

The opening of the Centennial Plaza/cash grab/new hobo hangout.

The opening of a Canadiens-sponsored local rink. No joke here; that's a good thing.

An event with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra, featuring the magnum opus "The Night the Lights Went out in Boston: 80 years of Beating the Bruins" by Sergei "Red Light" Rachmaninoff.

Commemorative stamps and coins. STAMPS! COINS! If there's one thing 21st century kids love to do, it's collect stamps and coins!

A movie starring every Quebecois actor, with Roy Dupuis playing the Rocket, Beliveau, Dick Irvin Senior and Junior, St. Patrick, Fast Eddie Palchak, Koivu, Donald Brashear, and Hartland Molson.

It all ends on December 4, 2009 with the Centennial Game, which, if the NHL schedule-makers screw with the Habs like they did at the closing of the Forum (the Dallas Stars? Really? And while we are at it, the Rangers opened the Bell Centre? Really?) means 75,000 in the Stade Olympique to watch the Habs tangle with their historic rivals from Anaheim.

All topped off with a batch of 100th Anniversary HabsMeth courtesy of HF29, Official Meth Supplier to the 100th Anniversary Celebrations.*

*Not exactly. 29 only has enough meth for our loyal readers.


Uh, yeah. This jersey was shown to the public yesterday as one of the six vintage jerseys the Habs will wear on occasion through December 4th, 2009, to celebrate the 100th anniversary. Apparently this was a jersey the Habs wore back in the day. I don't know what day, I don't know what the A stands for, and I'm way too fucking lazy to research it. Or care. I'm sure Robert from Eyes on the Prize can enlighten us, he knows his history. My knowledge of history goes back only to 1978, when I discovered drugs.

The jersey was part of the larger event yesterday when the Habs unveiled the entire slate of activities for the 100th Anniversary. It includes assorted cash grabs and events to trumpet how great we are. December 5th, 2009 can't get here fast enough.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being chased by a tiny dinosaur...
  • Finals preview? (hahahahahaha) Habs beat Wings 3-2 in a shootout. So many things to mention for an exhibition game: TFS(tm) with 25 saves on 27 shots, Cedric Desjardins with 9 saves in the 3rd and all saves in the SO, Markov with a nifty backhand move for the winner, Matt D'Agostini scoring (from Lang), Mathieu Carle almost getting killed, Nicklas Lidstrom taking a puck to the face, we discovered the Habs have a player named Lehoux (Le-who?), and Marian Hossa amusingly breaking his stick on his SO shot. Whew;
  • Leafs lose, that's always fun.
Habs get a break today, and will finally hit Bell Centre ice tomorrow night against the Sens, the first of three weekend games. Who made this schedule?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

"Don't be shocked if this team wins it all" - The Sports Network (no, not TSN)

Can you have sex with the Cup if you haven't won it?

So in the absence of our own preview in the near future (it's coming, we swear, as soon as we get a new supply of meth), we'll be taking a critical look this week at what the rest of the interwebs and MSM are saying about Nos Glorieux. Today, internet sports site The Sports Network, which has somehow managed to avoid being sued by TSN.

The Habs preview as written by some dude, is positively glowing. The forwards are great, the D is great, the goaltending is great. The whole thing makes me want to puke ("puke", that's a funny word. Mind if I use that?). It makes us really think that some dude is off his rocker when he writes "keep an eye out for a breakout season from Guillaume Latendresse." Sure, we'll keep an eye out, and we'll go blind waiting.

Pretty soon we'll find a Habs preview that says the Habs totally overachieved last year and are headed for a fall. That'll be some pessimism we can get into.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, September 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of seeing a Yankee-free Playoffs for a change, or nightmares of seeing the fucking Red Sox again..
  • Big Tits in Roberval! Habs get their first exhibition win, 3-2 over the Sabres in Hockeyville. Pleks gets two and Big Tits gets 1G, 1A as the Habs show all is right in the world. For one day;
  • The Stamkos era begins in Tampa as he pots his first NHL goal in leading the Lightning to a 3-2 win over the Rangers.

You may recall us telling Videotron to suck our dick over their dick-ass response to our inquiry about TSN2. Well now it turns out TSN2 will not be broadcasting just darts, but another 34 fucking hockey games, including Habs-Sens exhibition Saturday night. Fuck you Videotron, get off your fucking asses and throw a fucking switch already. Your'e fucking pathetic.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"Montreal's defense remains solid and underrated" - Bleacher Report

Bananas are solid and underrated as a fruit

So in the absence of our own preview in the near future (it's coming, we swear, as soon as we get a new supply of meth), we'll be taking a critical look this week at what the rest of the interwebs and MSM are saying about Nos Glorieux. Today, Internet sports site Bleacher Report.

So BR, in their Northeast division preview, says that the Habs will win the division with 101 points. The offense will be better with Tanguay (the post was written pre-Lang) and the D is solid and underrated. The golatending is suspect if Price doesn't stay healthy. It all seems like a pretty reasonable, if pedantic and lame, preview.

Oh, and for FHF commentor Terry O'Reilly, BR has the B's fourth and a "surprising disappointment." It's a fact.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting arrested for crack in a public restroom...
  • Well, that was not a very good beginning to the Drive for 25. Habs get outshot a million to one and lose 8-3 to the B's in their Exhibition opener. Habs give up 5 PP goals. That can't be good. Big Tits got into a fight. That can't be good either. Fear the collapse, people;
  • While TMS despises the B's with the passion of a thousand suns (which is not as much as HF10 who hates them with the passion of infinite suns), we're still happy for Patrice Bergeron, who returned from his season-ending concussion with a goal and three assists;
  • Ben Maxwell shone for the Habs on a line with Tanguay and Max Pack. Some dude named Mike "The Glue" Glumac scored. We have never heard of him.
Habs right back at it tonight against the Sabres.

Monday, September 22, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Open thread is cancelled. Strippers look for alternative employment.

Just in case some of you out there were planning on discussing the big Habs-Bruins tilt in Halifax this evening, we thought we should pop in to tell you that there will be no "official" previews / open threads for the exhibition schedule this year. Tonight's game is on CJAD apparently, but without any TV coverage it just seems stupid to talk about a game you may or may not be listening to. And I've got a hot date, er, a date, er, dinner with friends, er, dinner alone, er, watching TV alone, er, ogling women in the Victoria's Secret catalog, er, Sears catalog.

With that said, if you're feeling crazy, go ahead, let's hear your dirty dirty thoughts in the comments!

"Montreal has no glaring holes" - TSN

So in the absence of our own preview in the near future (it's coming, we swear, as soon as we get a new supply of meth), we'll be taking a critical look this week at what the rest of the interwebs and MSM are saying about Nos Glorieux. Today, we take a look at what TSN said about the Habs in their "6 cities in 6 days" series.

You can find the video of it here. We would love to embed it for you but TSN thinks it's 2003 and needs to protect its content. In the video, Darren Dregher basically says the city is buzzing "in anticpiation of a championship" and that the Habs have no weaknesses. He obviously hasn't heard that Breezer resigned. With the signing of Lang, Habs have depth at center. Whatever you say. He also lies when he says Habs have 6 solid D. I find that conclusion questionable. We have 3 quality D and 3 serviceable ones at best. That's our glaring hole.

The lovely lady above is the same towel-y goodness you can find on HF10's Habs preview for MYFO. Why haven't you read it yet? For shame.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, September 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning an Emmy...
  • Don't ask us. HF10 and myself have been in the Laurentian mountains all weekend, running through all the strippers and meth available in the resort town of Mont Tremblant for the HF29 40th birthday celebration bonanza extravaganza. Detailed report of Tremblant strip club Le Faucon Bleu coming soon...
Habs! Bruins! Halifax! Tonight! Goddamn Habs are going to actually play a game. Summer is over. We really need to get organized around here with a preview or something. While you wait for that, you can check out the preview HF10 wrote for Melt Your Face-Off. If you are normally too lazy to click on a link, this one has a really hot chick. In a towel.

Friday, September 19, 2008

It's never too early for some Breezer-bashing

Totally lost in all the Robert Lang discussion of the end of last week was the fact that Breezer has re-upped for the year. Seriously, WTF? What is it with Habs management and this guy? Why do they love him so? Do they not see the gaffes he makes game in, game out? We can't afford that shit this year.

Breezer has 53 games to go before he reaches the 1000 game milestone. We're hoping someone Giloolys him long before then (20 bucks! no, make it 50!).

Lap dances to HF10 for naming Breezerpalooza and FHF stalwart Fezworth for the awesome graphic whipped up during the playoffs last year. In case you're confused, "Breezerpalooza" refers to the act of Breezer scoring two goals in the same period - into his own net.


Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Euros kicking the Americans' asses once again...
  • As you may have noticed from the headline, training camp begins today with the Habs vets coming in for physicals and fitness tests. There's actually a fucking game on Monday! WOOOO!!!!! Go Hockey! Pants!
  • RDS has announced that once again all Habs games will be on the intertubes. Only $2.99 per game! Only $80 for the season! Cash grab!
Sorry for ending this very exciting TMS on a downer, but we would not be Canadian, or sports fans, if we didn't mention the passing of CFL legend Ron Lancaster at the age of 69. Phenomenal QB, coach, and broadcaster, he was the CFL. RIP.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Megan Fox...
If you want something decent to read, check out Puck Daddy's Habs preview. He's got the Habs going to the Cup Finals. Fuck, we can't live with these high expectations. But he does name drop FHF, so we'll forgive him.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hot Babes with an Actual Relationship to Hockey of the Day - VIDEO!

Please note we have moved this most awesome post to after the jump because the embedded video was acting goofy in some browsers. If you haven't seen it yet, you'll want to check it out. Close your door...

God bless the Dallas Stars and their promotions department. I would have loved to have been at the meeting where someone said "let's take the Ice Girls, put them in bikinis, and send them to the lake for some dancing and frolicking. That'll sell tickets."

Excuse me, I have some tickets to buy. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm a traditionalist when it comes to hockey. But Ice Girls are the one innovation I could really get behind.

And this video is a nice distraction for all of you trying to buy tickets online today at noon for the Ice Girls-less Habs. Let us know how it goes.

Lap dances to the fine folks at on 205th (via With Leather)

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, September 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being bailed out to the tune of $85 billion...
Habs tickets go on sale online today at noon, allegedly. Maybe since Saturday they've switched to a Mac.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Kovy and Gang Bang Lang go to breakfast. Possibly at Hooters

So TSN is reporting that old linemates Kovy and GBL had breakfast yesterday morning. No report on where, but we like to think it happened at Hooters. Who doesn't enjoy some cleavage with a greasy breakfast of crappy wings? Anyway, we imagine the conversation going something like this:

GBL: I'm quite excited to play here. This is the ultimate hockey town.

Kovy: Wake the fuck up you stupid Czech putz. It's a nightmare. You won't get a moment's rest. The fans and media will be on you as soon as you take a shift off. Trust me, I should know. If you're in the hospital, they'll break in and take pictures of you, for fuck's sake.

GBL: But at least the coach is good, right?

Kovy: Whatevs. Just ignore him. I do. Like when he tells me to get off the ice after a shift. Hahaha, he's so cute.

GBL: But he'll treat me fairly, won't he?

Kovy: Unless you sleep with his female relatives, like Michael Ryder. Does the phrase "whipping boy" mean anything to you?

GBL: At least we'll get to play together, right? Just like the old days?

Kovy: Go drink some more Czech absinthe, you're high. My career has been revitalized by a couple of young guns. They do all the work, I get the glory. Have fun trying to turn Latendresse into a semblance of an actual hockey player.

GBL: I have to get out of here.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of marrying Mr. Sulu...
  • Rookie camp opens, Max Pack is the centre of attention. Fuck, he's 19, leave him alone, media;
  • Drive 12 hours to get to Montreal in time to join your new teammates on the ice on the first possible day even though it was totally voluntary? Check. Say all the right things to the media? Check. Gang Bang Lang is here, and TMS is happy so far.
Mid-September, hockey is in the air and all is right with the world. Until the first loss.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Let's make some lines, shall we?

So with the addition of Robert Lang on Friday, Habs are now looking at an abundance of forwards. Where to put them all? We know Carbo will just throw some names in a hat and come up with some lines, but we have a bit more sense than that. We will ask the difficult questions. Most notably, keep the Danse à 10 line together? Or reunite Gang Bang Lang with Kovy who made magic back in the day with the Pens?

Here's one methhead's view:

Big Tits-Pleks-Kovy
Tangy-Langy-Little Tits
Higgins-Koivu-New and Improved Gui!
Bégin-Chips-Greek Lightning/Laracque

Go ahead, tell me I'm on meth in the comments.

The Morning Skate for Monday, September 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of waiting for your Lehman Brothers bonus cheque...
Rookie camp begins TODAY!!!! Hockey, WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

He's 37? He Plays Center? We'll Take Him!

This is how the whole Cindy Crawford mole thing got hot.

Bob Gainey made a little end of week splash by acquiring Robert Lang, Jessica Lange's .....brother.

King Kong and Dustin Hoffman should soon follow in a sequence of trades that will complete the Habs' fourth line.

Sundin is now mathematically out of the plans. Unless he arrives via the trade route and the Via Dolorosa, cross and all. We make him suffer for what we've endured.

Take out the dingy cause Mats you're dead to me.

We've got some good news and some bad news. And one last time, Fuck You Mats

Let's get the bad news out of the way. Habs have resigned Breezer to a one year deal. Whatever.

Now the good news. Habs have acquired a 37 year-old scoring center from Europe. It ain't Mats. It's Robert Lang, acquired from the Blackhawks for a second round pick in 2010 (the one we got from the Laffs in the Grabs trade). Lang has 50+ points in the last 8 seasons, and I am pretty sure he was an All Star when he played for one of his 300 teams.

To us, this is a sure sign Bob has given up on Mats. Well done. Fuck you Mats. Go suck rocks in New York. Gang Bang Lang is in town.

Ring around the Bell Centre, a pocket full of poseys (or something)

Totally lost in all the #33 hubbub yesterday was the announcement that the Habs would be putting up a ring of honour in the Bell Centre as part of the 100th anniversary crap. 44 players and 10 builders who are all in the Hall of Fame will be featured.

What are we, the Dallas Cowboys?

Why anyone would want a magnetic cock ring is beyond me.

The Morning Skate for Friday, September 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of taking a picture of Kanye West at an airport...
The movement to get George Hainsworth's number retired starts NOW.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A long Awaited Retirement Ceremony is Upon Us

They gave him a watch when he retired, but they knew they shoulda done more. They knew you don't treat this man the way you would a retiring insurance salesman.

The Montreal Canadiens are going to correct a long-standing injustice and embarrassment to the sport of hockey and the city of Montreal by proceeding with an important retirement ceremony on November 22.

Serge Boisvert, who wore the famous number 12, will gather with his family at center ice and watch his number rise to the rafters alongside the banners belonging to Dickie Moore and Yvan Cournoyer.

Canadiens' president Pierre Boivin summed up the team's choice in offering this explanation: "We retired Dickie and the Roadrunner, we shouldn't have done that without honouring Serge. I mean Dickie and Yvon wore the number 12, but Serge WAS the number 12. It was a huge oversight on behalf of our team and we just couldn't let this go on. Serge has a family, they were all very hurt, devastated really by what I consider to be the darkest stain on this organization's past. We do things right around here, and not retiring Serge Boisvert's number just makes us look like a cracker jack organization."

The Legends of Hockey website has this to say about this great #12:

"Right-winger Serge Boisvert was a creative offensive player who played 46 NHL games in the 1980s."

How about that.

46 games in which he gave it his all, the most incredible 46-game effort in team history. Congratulations, Serge. Thank the Lord, I thought they were going to retire someone else.

TMS Rants: Fuck Videotron and Fuck the CRTC they can suck my dick

So a couple of weeks ago we started seeing commercials for TSN2. We really didn't know what the fuck this was, but damn it sounded at least interesting. More poker and lumberjack sports? Giddyup! Alas, a quick inquiry to our cable or satellite provider (Videotron) about the availability of said channel yielded this response (actual email, though we edited some more bullshit out for length):


Thank you for taking the time to write us concerning the channel TSN 2

This channel is not currently available with our illico service. At the moment, we have no information concerning its future availability.

Each month, there are new channels which become available as well as international channels already in service and which may be in demand. The cable companies have the advantage of being able to offer a more innovative selection of products than the those offered by direct satellite signal, as well as being able to offer a more stable signal reception. But we must also face certain restrictions in the choice of available channels.

Thank you for your understanding.

Here's what we understand, fuckfaces. We're held prisoner by the CRTC who won't let us watch ESPN or HBO. You can get ESPN in Cuba, for fuck's sake. TSN - the test tube baby of ESPN and the CRTC - does something to make our lives more bearable and our cable or satellite provider who also holds us prisoner tells us to fuck right off if we want to watch it. While they're sending us a form letter telling us to fuck right off, they take the opportunity to get a dig in at their "competition". Their only "restrictions" are their monopolisitcally inflated profit margins. This latest shit just reminds us that the cable TV system in this country is a fucking joke.

Good morning sunshine.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Time to Get Fired Up for the Season (with a look back)

We're really starting to feel the season coming. We're getting that tingly feeling between our legs. Hockey is in the air. And for the first time since, like, the 70's, we're pretty excited about the Habs' chances.

So we've trolled the YouTubes to find some stuff to get excited about. Here's a look back at the top 10 Habs goals of last year, set to that rock 'n roll music that the kids like. It's Tits time.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, September 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being sucked into a black hole. It's in Revelations, people...
  • Today's buried Sundin news is that there are now apparently two more teams in the mix, including the Lightning. Blah blah blah;
  • 102 year-old (give or take) Chris Chelios signs a one-year deal with the Wings. For you youngsters out there, Chelly used to play for the Habs! In 1953.
There's a chill in the air this morning in Montreal. We can feel hockey season.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Hot Dude with an Actual Relationship to Hockey of the Day

Upon discovering in the comments in the post below that the incredibly talented hockey blogger J.T. is, in fact, a woman, we decided to throw a bone (heh, you said "bone") to all of our female readers on this warm September afternoon.

This is Viggo Mortenson, actor. He is also a HUGE habs fan, as evidenced by his unwavering fear of wearing a Habs t-shirt in the middle of Tronna. Meh, I have friends who do that every day.

Enjoy, ladies.

lap dance to Boone at Habs I/O for the Viggo tip

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of you drafting Tom Brady in the first round of your fantasy league...
  • See this is why I like TMS, I can bury the Sundin news in it. Mats apparently had a nice positive meeting with Bob over the weekend. Sounds like Bob basically told him to shit or get off the pot. NICE.
Anyone look at a calendar lately? Rookies show up in 6 days, everyone else has their physicals in 9 days, and the exhibition season starts in 13 days. Holy fuck, we might have to get to work around here pretty soon.

UPDATE - As FHF regular JT mentioned in the comments, the RDS report is actually based on her blog report. Which RDS did not credit. But we do. Fine reporting JT.

Monday, September 08, 2008

29 IS THE NEW 40

Happy birthday to our very own HF29.

The woman in cleats removing her underwear sports an amazing 40-32-34 figure. One of these numbers corresponds to our boy's age. Read the title if you're unsure. If you get this wrong, get back to work, George W. Bush.

Mats Sundin says he'll be attending HF29's birthday bash, but he says he may not, unless he does. He says he'll let us know by 2pm. He says he may show up in the middle of the party and that, as of yet, he's still not sure if he'll come. He says he has another friend celebrating a 40th birthday in New York and may go there instead, although he hasn't informed his friend of the decision. He says he's not making a decision and insists that he's been to enough parties in his life and should not be pressured by anyone on this. He wants to know what's in the loot bags. He's going to a charity birthday party this Friday (a party where one celebrates a fictitious birthday in order to raise money for autism).

Happy birthday 29, we don't have to take our clothes off with Mats Sundin to party.

The Morning Skate for Monday, September 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the cool autumn weather that would bring about the return of TMS...
OK, so maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Hot Babe with an Actual Relationship to Hockey of the Day

The cleavage in the middle of the photo above belongs to Sandrine Balthazard. Sandrine is the in-game "hostess" at the Bell Centre and makes young men drool over at Habs TV.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy some razors.

Lap dance with lots of grinding to FHF stalwart Bryan for the tip

Thursday, September 04, 2008

How Bad Does the Big Owe Suck?

From this angle, the Big Owe almost looks good.

For any new readers out there, FHF started out of a desire to share our sometimes funny, occasionally insightful, and usually smart-assed email exchanges. Yesterday we discussed the Habs' plans to host a 100th anniversary game at the Olympic Stadium. We're split on whether it's a good idea.

HF4: Horrible idea.

HF29: I don't think its so bad. Finally some use out of that toilet bowl.

HF4: That's the best idea they could come up with?

Panger: Where else are you going to do it? Molson Stadium is smaller than the Bell Centre, as is Saputo Stadium.

HF29: Plus all the Mob bodies buried under Saputo Stadium make it bad luck.

Panger: Don't joke, they could be my cousins.

HF29: So far good idea is winning 2-1. HF10, care to settle this?

HF10: It's a tie. Horrible idea.

Just because they can fill a bigger venue doesn't mean they should. Playing in a dome? A lousy dome with horrible acoustics, sightlines, concessions, etc? No way. The Canadiens deserve better. Besides, isn't the whole idea of the Winter Classic to PLAY OUTSIDE?

Buffalo and Edmonton worked awesome. When Michigan and Michigan State did it at Spartan stadium it was awesome. Why? Outside, big venue, clean football sightlines. Frankly, I think Wrigley might be a disaster but we'll see.

I also think the NHL needs to take a break from this ... after this year, any more of these games are getting to be piling on, especially if your not offering a unique venue. The Big O is not the go-to venue. Get Detroit and Toronto in Michigan Stadium with 100,000 people. Do the Battle of Pennsylvania at Penn State with 105,000. Get Chicago vs somebody at Notre Dame. Rangers vs Bruins at Harvard or Fenway.

Panger: The Big O is a dump. I’d prefer a venue with some kind of link to the team’s past, but the Forum is out, Westmount Arena is tiny, and their other homes have burnt down and the land they’re on doesn’t present the opportunity to host it there (as far as I know). There is really no other choice other than the Big Owe, and apparently it will be outdoors because the roof will be off. I just hope a chunk doesn’t fall off and kill My Boy Chips – hopefully they’ll play the Bruins and it’ll hit Jeremy Jacobs.

Maybe the outdoor idea isn’t fresh and exciting anymore. And I know the Habs (and NHL) will make a ton of money on this, but I’d prefer to think of this game as about hockey history, and the obvious way to emphasize that is to play outdoors. It’s also about the Canadiens celebrating a huge milestone with its fans – and significantly more fans will be able to watch and participate in a bigger venue in a unique atmosphere. Bottom line is that I can’t think of a better idea, nor have I heard one. Plus I miss the Expos.

That's our take. What about you?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Sundin enjoying summer sports so much he can't be bothered with this hockey thing

Fuck, we know, another Sundin post. We know you prefer sportscaster lesbian erotica (see next post down if that phrase shocked you), but we guess this is news. Maybe. Sort of.

Sundin had a press conference in Sweden today and announced "I will not make up my mind before the season starts."

Whatever. Fuck you, Mats.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

If you liked Jennifer Hedger before, you may want to close your door now

A whole series of lap dances to FHF regular Doogie2K, who just commented on a two-week old post and included the sapphic gem you see above. If any comment not by JeffHK ever deserved its own post, it's this. How come I never saw this before?

All you Holly Horton fans now need to reconsider.

Monday, September 01, 2008

(Almost) Brushes With (Almost) Habness

Don't recognize either of these people or any link to the Habs? You're not the only one.

As the biography to the right mentions, I am the Habs Fan stuck in the middle of the Red Mile. Since I'm so far from Montreal, my brushes with Habsness are now likely to be second hand. This one occurred at my wife's family reunion.

Mrs. Panger is originally from Edmonton, born to French Canadian parents. In good Catholic French-Canadian fashion, they have a combined 11 siblings and huge extended families. I love my wife - and her family - but asking me to keep her extended family straight is beyond me. So unbeknownst to me when I wooed my fair bride, it turns out that one of her cousins has a link to the Canadiens: my father-in-law's first cousin is Yvon. His son, Brent, was if not famous, at least a infamous one-time member of the Montreal Canadiens organization. Yvon and Brent's last name happens to be Bilodeau. Yes, I'm related to that Brent Bilodeau.

Now, finding out you have a second-cousin by marriage who was a firsr round pick of the Habs is exciting, since it's as close as I'm going to get to being part of the Canadiens organization. I found this information particularly funny because before I knew we were related, Brent Bilodeau was a personal whipping boy of mine, as a symbol of all that was wrong with the 80s/90s era Canadiens (specifically their drafting). Apart from '84 and '93, the Habs did not draft an impact player in the first round during that era. A 6'4 defensive defenceman projected to go in the top 5 in '91, Bilodeau turned out to be one of two of those picks that had the distinction of never playing a single game anywhere in the NHL. Although Brent had a fairly lengthy minor-league career and is now an assistant coach in the ECHL, I talked to his dad about his NHL (non) career. While Yvon didn't go into specifics, he cited what I'll call "internal team politics" as the major reason for Brent's failure to reach the NHL. Shockingly, he didn't mention how Brent skated like a donkey in mud.

Although Brent himself was not at this northern Alberta family reunion, I am proud to say I got to babysit his adorable, platinum blond niece and nephew (his sister Brandy's kids). I was also sexually assaulted by Penny, his mom - although admitted it was due to a case of mistaken identity (thankfully Brent comes from an attractive family). Bilodeau now lives in Vegas with his wife Cass, herself a 6'4 former WNBA player, where the couple is raising their 2-year-old twins, Tyler and Jacob. The twins may already be taller than me.

Of course, now that I know we're related, my new whipping boy is Alain Heroux (the other first rounder who never saw NHL ice). Brent got screwed - Heroux really sucked.