So You Think You Can GM, You Pathetic Freaks - Top 6 Forwards Preview

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 

This team is a team of winners. I picked them to win. So if they play for me, Ari Gold, they will win or they will pray to have their assholes shut because I will manually insert a cantaloupe in every single player's should one of them fail to compete. The Molson's sold to Ari Gold and Ari Gold took care of business. I fired Pierre Douchefuck Boivin and his coat tail riding, look at me I think I'm the new Theo Epstein, son. I call the shots now and I'll fire a round of them in your brain if you don't play your fucking tail off for me. And just for shits and giggles, I made myself GM.


This is Gold's team now fuckfaces and we don't do mediocrity. You wanna be mediocre under the Regime of Ari then you can immediately dip your balls in acid because if I happen to find them i'll cut them off your nut bag. The word average happens to cross your mind for a micro-second in any of the 82 games we pay you to win, you better book an appointment for a lobotomy because I will jab my fingers through your nose so deep I'll rip the thought right out of your head.


Gold baby. That's the name you play for. The Montreal Gold. You may want to call yourselves Canadiens internally but you know that when your paycheque says Gold at the bottom, you don't sweat for anyone else but me. And yeah, if you don't sweat every single ounce of those putrid juices out of your glands, you can rest assured I'll extract the shit out of you by squeezing every inch of your flaccid body with a giant industrial dough roller.


But how can any of that happen when I chose these boys myself? It can't. I didn't get my NFL team but that only made me hungrier for my true lustful fantasy. Meeting Stan Smyl and owning the Montreal Canadiens. 


I've got the best group of top-6 skaters this side of your mother's obesity. They can do it all.


It starts with my captain, Brian Gionta. Anybody question his size again I'll feast on a meal after a game at Queue de Cheval, purposely not take a dump for a week and vomit four-day old bison meat down your throat. The man is a giant. He's got better hand-eye coordination than anyone in the league. He'll will you to victory. He'll lift the chalice of the champion at centre ice again. Count on Gionta for 80 goals this year. Anything less and I'll see to it that the only sport that diminutive molecule could play would be jockey for a pony.


I got Michael Cammalleri. This guy's my everything. I would rather trade my wife and kids for a year of untreated syphilis than watch Mike Cammalleri play for anyone else. He's gonna get every opportunity to score on every shift he plays and he will. Because if he doesn't, I'll send his ass down to the minors and move our farm team to Phnom Penh.


Andrei K has said K bye, nighty night, ciao bellarussia to his stir-the-pot-since-I-can't-play-hockey-for-my-life brother. The mob ties are gone and that's a start, but Andrei K knows that if he wants to play with me he's got to score 60 goals on the penalty kill and legally sever his brotherly ties to that donkey fuck.


Then you've got Tomas Plekanec. I negotiated that boy's contract myself but I told Tomas that if he really wanted to earn his money he'd have to show me how much he wanted it. So I made him drop his agent and go through the entire negotiating process in Aramaic. Bastard didn't know a fucking word of it when it all started but he showed his mettle. Fluent as hell now and can talk up an Aramaic storm. 70 points this year again, but this time he'll get the 70 points in the playoffs otherwise I'm going to slice off his ears Reservoir Dogs style and make him read lips during Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ.


...crazy celebrity cameo...

Mel Gibson: Did you say anything Gold? You fucker, you dropped me this summer!? Won't return my phone calls, won't answer my mails?! AFTER ALL THE MONEY I'VE MADE YOU! YOU'RE A FUCKING WHORE GOLD! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A FUUUUUUUCCCCKIIIIING JEEEEEWWWW!!!!!! AH FUCK THAT FEELS GOOD TO FINALLY SAY! A FUUUUCKKINNG JEW, GOLD!!!! WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF TO HEAR MYSELF SAY IT! YOU FUCKING JEW! I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOU MAKE ME FUCKING DIZZY WITH ALL YOUR JEWYNESS! IS THAT EVEN A FUCKING WORD????!!!!! YOU MAKE MY FUCKING LOSE MY HEAD, ARI GOLD!!!! AND I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU. ARGHH, ARGHH!!! (Heavy breathing...). TAKE YOUR JEW CANADIENS ARI AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR FUCKING JEWISH ASS!!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!! You make me sick.....ah you make me sick....YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK ARI GOLD YOU FUCKING JEW!!!!! YOU'RE FIRING ME???? ME????? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T FIRE ME!!!!!!! I FIRE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SO......ARGGGHHH, ARGHHH (Heavy breathing...)....YOU'RE FIIIIIRRREEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!! You fucking jew....


ARGGHH, ARGHH... (Heavy breathing...)....


....


... end of crazy celebrity cameo...


Wow. Ok....


I'm left with either a Lars Eller who wants to show the world that he wasn't the equivalent of acid reflux in the Halak deal or Benoit Pouliot who wants to show the world that his Mr. Invisible trick last spring wasn't reason enough for me to punch him in the face with a Unicef box. The only Lars I care about plays drums for Metallica so if the other One doesn't do the trick on the ice, one call of Ktulu and Enter the Sandman in the ring to administer a round of assault and Battery that would leave the boy drooling in a Sanitarium for the rest of his life. 


The last little man standing on my list is a little Mexican treat,... but the dent he leaves on my bank account for his 50 points makes me want to enlist him in the Juarez police. That waste of my mistress's leisure fund gives me no fucking choice but to entice him with my best argument. Scott Gomez, you make me forget the Bill Gates fortune you're costing me every day, and you play BALLS OUT hockey for 82 games plus 26 in the playoffs, you Alaskan malamute, and I'll let you bang Sofia Vergara, the woman that would make any Latino male with a pulse freaking levitate Exorcist style. You do that for me Scotty and Sofia is Vergaring your balls for a night. Anything less than perfection from you and you'll get ass raped by George Lopez.


Done. That's my argument for the best top 6 guys in the league. Ask me if I care if you beg to differ. I beg to not give a fuck.


Now where the fuck is that Asian Barbie Doll who calls himself an agent? LLOYD!!!!!

So You Think You Can GM? Britney Spears Grinds with the Grinding Forwards

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 

Hi y'all! Thank y'all so much for inviting me to play GM for a day. And let me tell y'all, I know a lot about hockey, coming from Louisiana. Y'all know it's a hockey hotbed because Gary Bettman wants to put a franchise there. Uh oh, I think I hear little Jayden crying, so I gotta go... to Starbucks. And then Burger King. And then maybe Starbucks again. While I'm gone, enjoy this little ditty.

Oh Métro, baby
Oh Métro, baby

Oh Métro, baby
How was I supposed to know
That Gauthier didn't like you
Oh Métro baby
Habs shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight; Suisse!

Tommy, McSplooge wants you to be
Show me Tommy
'Cause Habs need to know now what they've got

[CHORUS:]
DarCHe's contract is killing me (and I)
I state a fact, I do believe (do believe!)
If JM plays him I'll lose my mind
Well, one more time
He'll be playing the fourth line

Oh Dominictrix
The reason I breathed was you
A Tampa deal you signed it
In last year's playoffs
Was nothing that you couldn't do
And Stevie Y did find it

Benny, Maxwell great can you be?
Show me Benny
'Cause Habs need to know now what they've got

[Repeat CHORUS]

Oh MOEmaN, baby
Oh MOEmaN, baby
yeeeahhh
Oh MOEmaN, baby
I wanted to let you know
Oh MOEmaN baby
Habs never can let you go

I must confess, that Boyd from the Preds
Will play for us now
Don't you know I do believe
That he will be here
And for a long time
He'll be playing the fourth line

[Repeat CHORUS]

I must confess, that our Max PatCHes
May kill us now
But you know I do believe
Ryan White will be here
And for a long time
He'll be playing the fourth line

There's a Certain Sheen on Sexy Friday - It's Spin City for the Defence Preview

Bullet points are late because the GM is hungover for the big TMS/Sexy Friday/Crazy Celebrity Preview:

• Rain in Wales?  That's umpossible!!  Euro smackdown of US in Ryder Cup slightly delayed because of atrocious (read normal) weather patterns on the Isle of the Britons;
• Habs lose to Sabres ... was TFS booed?  I assume he was booed.  Powerplay sucks without Markov.  
• Markov's former powerplay buddies aren't doing so hot ... first Marc Streit goes down hurt, now Sexy Sheldon is on waivers (with Martin Gerber too!).  The Urologist better watch his step;
• Hey, do you like college football?  Because Florida/Alabama, Texas/Oklahoma and Oregon/Stanford are all going off this Saturday.  It's your last Saturday without real hockey!

You know what this Sexy Friday needs?  A Sexy Preview!

So You Think You Can GM: The Defence Gets a Major League Preview from Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughan

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.

[Bob Gainey and Jacques Martin flank an empty chair in the Canadiens press room. Enter Celebrity GM and star of CBS's hit comedy "Two and a Half Men", Charlie Sheen]

Hey there, wow. I haven't seen this many people at a press conference since I announced my third stint in rehab after the second time I tried to kill Denise Richards. You buncha crazies. I love you all. Not as much as I love hookers and cocaine, but you press guys ... love ya. Stubbs? Boone? Red? Rejean? Brunet? BR? PJ? I love all of you almost as much as I loved porn star Ginger Lynn. Now, I'm not saying I'd want to fake Boone's death, change his looks through plastic surgery and marry him like I wanted to do with Ginger, but all you guys coming to my press conference makes me feel so ... what the fuck, is that Jack Todd!!?!?! Todd!! I told you if I saw you again I'd choke you to death and then stab you more to death! Dammit Todd!! I'm gonna fucking cut y ... [security wrestles GM Sheen to the floor in front of the podium, Doctor Mulder injects him with something].

Where was I? Is this the press conference about 9/11 being a hoax? The defence? Yeah, the defence of the 9/11 apologists is weak, Boone. Absolutely correct, you little scamp. The Habs defence? [Bob Gainey whispers to Sheen] What? I'm the GM of the Montreal Canadiens now?!!?! Holy fuck this is some bender. I'm more confused than the time I bought that sex doll, made two hookers have an orgy with it, then cut off its hand and tossed it in a dumpster. At least I think it was the sex doll I tossed. Hey Dr. Mulder, you got anything stronger?

Okay, well first of all, I think it's time to trade this Andrei Markov guy. Sure, he's as talented as Heidi Fleiss with a rope swing, but he's hurt so much you'd think he was married to me. I'm trading him for Bryan Fogarty. Now that's a strong skating power play quarterback with a nose for ... heh heh, you see what I did there? Somebody tell me what team Fogarty's on. Is he in Florida? Maybe the Panthers will throw Higgins into the deal. I can't put my finger on it but for some reason I like that kid.

This PK Subban. He's fun to watch, makes for a great quote and skates like the wind, but he's as reckless as Tom Sizemore in a Thai whorehouse. Takes too many chances, and I'd prefer my life to be peaceful ... not a lot of craziness going on in Charlie Sheen's world, you know? Unless he calms down I'm sending him to the minors so that David Fischer can play. Fischer never makes the headlines, so he must be doing something right. Maybe keep that Alex Picard too. Pick-ard. Pick. Ard. Pick. Arrrrrd. Reminds me of pick-ax, which is what I'm planting in that fucking ungrateful Jack Todd's head if he comes back in here. Todd!!! I'm watching you, bitch! Todd!!

That Hal Gill and Josh Gorges are somethin', aren't they? I like to call them two and a half men for the way they played in the playoffs. Two and a Half Men. See what I did there? Two and a Half Men. All new episodes on CBS Mondays at 9:00, just after that fucking terrible Rules of Engagement show with David Spade. David Spade? Seriously? How did that little twit date Heather Locklear after I hit on her for like six years on Sin City and got nothing? Spade's the Jaro Spacek of CBS comedy Mondays ... great success as the sidekick to somebody else, and totally overmatched when trying to do too much. He's ugly too. Like that porn star I killed during that layover in Houston on the Scary Movie 4 press junket in 2005. No, not Spade. Spacek. C'mon Tremblay! Try and keep up!

Can I just say, I have no idea why the other guy who does this job lives in Vermont? There aren't nearly the amount of coke dealing hookers and strippers in Vermont that there are in Montreal. I had sex three times on my walk from the hotel to this press conference. I'm spending Roman Hamrlik type money out there. [Jacques Martin tugs sleeve of Sheen's bowling shirt, points to reporters] What?

Yeah, Hamrlik's overpaid. But he's solid. He and that Kostitsyn kid hooked me up with some ... um ... speakers. Yeah, that sounds plausible. Speakers. Reminds me of the time me and Jon Cryer went looking for a hit between tapings and ended up buying a surround sound system out of some dude's trunk in the In-N-Out Burger parking lot on Santa Monica Boulevard. Then I pushed Cryer out of the car and got a hooker. Good times. It was a long time ago, though. Around the time Hamrlik was really good.

Oh hey, Chantal! I didn't notice you there. Did you get my text? About the ... you know? Interested? No? Your friend isn't interested, or you aren't? Cause I can get someone to fill in one of the spots but ... [Gainey frantically whispers to Sheen]

Right, right, the defence. Nice depth. There's all those kids on defence too. Carle, Weber, that Russian guy, the other one with the funny hair, the tall kid that was gonna go to Notre Dame ... hey, my Dad went to Notre Dame on tv. President Bartlett. I wish I could have cameoed on that show. I heard Aaron Sorkin has a mountain of coke on set. So we're good on defence there. Aces and Eights. Speaking of eights, hey, has anyone seen Price? I paid him for an eight-ball ... [Microphone cuts out, Gainey, Martin and numerous security tackle Sheen]

So You think You Can GM? Cruisin' the Goalies and Prospects

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 
 

Hello. As you all know, I'm Tom Cruise and you're not. Although Tom Cruise has only seen an ice hockey match on the television, as an achiever of 19th level Dynamics and a Hollywood actor, Tom Cruise has great & true insight into what ails your sagging ice hockey franchise. I understand the fans of your ice hockey organization are growing impatient since it's last victorious ice hockey season. You believe your ice hockey team has been waiting a long time? TRY HAVING YOUR SOUL COOPED UP UNDERNEATH A VOLCANO FOR A TRILLION YEARS. Have your ice hockey team's managers made mistakes? As I said as Mr. Maverick in the blockbuster Top Gun:  "This is what I call a target rich environment." Mr. Maverick, I MEAN TOM CRUISE,  has your answers.

The enlightened gentlemen of the FHF (the Operating Thetan is strong in them) have asked Tom Cruise to explain what went wrong with your ice hockey organization's off season goalkeeping choices and pre-season roster selections. Why Tom Cruise? Young men who choose to become goaltenders have obviously been fed prescription medications from a young age.And when it comes to prospects, well, believe Tom Cruise when he tells you - not Tom Cruise - that Tom Cruise knows about the importance of developing younger talent: each of Tom Cruise's partners has been 11 years younger than the last. Also, the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life will lead to a deeper understanding of how to establish a relationship with the Supreme Being, the Lord Stanley and his Cup.

1. Goalkeeping Choices

Your ice hockey team OUGHT TO HAVE TRADED MR. PRICE INSTEAD OF MR. HALAK. Your ice hockey club should have attempted to sign Mr. Halak. As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Jerry Maguire in the modern Hollywood classic of the same name: "Show ME the MONEY!!!!" Tom Cruise knows that acquiesing to Mr. Halak's contract demands would have precluded the signing of a certain Mr. Plekanec. As you know, Tom Cruise has a HUGE fan following on Twitter. Despite the 'twits' of his agent, with patience and perseverance and without the use of prescription medication, your ice hockey team would have signed Mr. Halak for EXACTLY the same price as Mr. Price - AT THAT PRICE, THE PRICE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT - UNLIKE THE PRICE NOW BEING PAID TO MR. PRICE, WHICH PRICE IS WRONG!!!

As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Frank T.J. Mackey in the smash feature film Magnolia: "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" Your ice hockey team should have taken Mr. Halak as their starting goalkeeper - no matter the past accomplishments and potential of Mr. Price. What accomplishments? They are extremely limited to championships at every other level - but NOT THE NHL, except for winning that playoff series oh so long ago, a couple of years past. And what potential? Just because every other goalie picked in the top 5 of the NHL entry draft  who managed to stay healthy has become a star DOESN'T MEAN MR. PRICE WILL. More importantly, Mr. Price is already a whopping - WHOPPING! - 23 years old, making him only 9 (not 11) years younger than Tom Cruise's captive partner, Ms. Katie Holmes, SO HE CAN'T GET ANY BETTER.

Even worse, your ice hockey team acquired a Dane in the transaction. As Tom Cruise is constantly trying to indoctrinate explain to Ms. Holmes and her young child, DO NOT TRUST A DANE. All of Tom Cruise's Hollywood contracts require that not a single person working with Tom Cruise can be Danish or of Danish ancestry, from fellow actors to non-key grips. That dirty Dane - Tom Cruisie cannot even write the name - may look like he has soft hands, an absolutely incredible skating stride and size lacking down the middle not seen on your ice hockey club for years, but don't be fooled: he's still a dirty Dane and doomed to disaster and ruin. Unike Tom Cruise's recent film work.

It also stands to reason that despite Mr. Halak's playoff run, your ice hockey team would have acquired much more value in a trade for Mr. Price. In fact, it is so reasonable that TOM CRUISE DOES NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN IT.

Also, how could any professional sports team sign an admittedly bald man? Especially when this mane was available.

C. Roster Selections

Tom Cruise believes on a deep spiritual level, and as a result it is true, that your ice hockey club's management has made several outright and egregious errors - EGREGIOUS ERRORS! - it it's selection of players to be demoted. It appears that positions are dependant on previous exploits and contract status rather than actual skill. Not that I have any experience with such things, but that doesn't stop Tom Cruise from being absolutely infallible.

Second, how could your ice hockey team keep [White/Patches/Maxwell] rather than [White/Patches/Maxwell]? It is obvious to anyone who has watched a preseason ice hockey match involving [White/Patches/Maxwell] that he was much better prepared to contribute to your ice hockey club's season than [White/Patches/Maxwell] and that one decision will be the difference between a 14th place finish and a 2nd place finish.

Fifthly, how could a player as reputably talented as Mr. Ovechkin not even earn a pre-season match? I am of course, referring to the famously great Mr. Avtsin, who was HUGE in Moscow - scoring 3 key goals in a notoriously stingy Russian league - not be pampered and handed a roster spot? IT'S WHAT GOOD MANGERS DO WITH TOM CRUISE.

In the third place, just the addition of a Mr. David Fischer to the roster, being the son of Mr. Red, would have instantly catapulted YOUR ice hockey team back into the top of the tables, through sheer spirit and emotional connection to the glory years of yore. EMOTIONAL YORE, TOM CRUISE SAYS, IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS! Emotional yore is what made the Top Gun volleyball scene great. That and Tom Cruise's 3-sock-enhanced package.

Tom Cruise will leave all you ice hockey fans of this great ice hockey team with on final piece of advice, and as I said as Mr. Vincent in the all-time classic, Collateral: "Get with it. Millions of galaxies of hundreds of millions of stars, in a speck on one in a blink. That's us, lost in space. The cop, you, me... Who notices?"

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE TOM CRUISE HAS SAID AND BELIEVES, THIS QUOTE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE IF YOU JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.