Habs/Isles Preview (I): 80s Retro edition

Remember the early 80s? I was either too young or too hoped up on dope to remember, I can't recall which for some reason. Do you care? Probably not. You know who should? The New York Islanders.

Why? Because except for the huge upset of the Penguins back in 1993 (thanks, BTW), a once proud franchise has sunk into the abyss since the Eights. Four Stanlney Cups during the Reign of Bossy/Potvin/Trottier/Torrey and Arbour means that only 5 other teams have won more Cups. Since then, the Isles have been less successful than New Coke. Talk about mismanagement: Firing Arbour in '85-86 only to bring him back a few years later; buying out the franchise leader, Bryan Trottier; trading Pat LaFontaine; trading Turgeon and Malakhov for Muller and Schneider (thank you, Don Maloney); the John Spano debacle; and the Rangers winning it all in 1994. And we haven't even hit the Charles Wang era yet. All I have to say about that are "Alexei Yashin" and "Mike Milbury". They have been a laughing stock ever since Wang took over - the man has given us this gravest of crimes against hockey fashion and wanted to use a sumo wrestler as a goalie (don't get me started on how stupid and ridiculous that is). Oh, and he gave a 15-year contract to a man with hips that originally belonged to George Burns.

But now they've got John Tavares (born 7 years after their last Cup victory) so they've got that going for them. Not enough to bust the ghosts of 2-and-a-half decades of failure (like what I did there, tying it back into the pic? You're welcome). Now on to the preview:

Hotter than Madonna in a wedding dress at the MTV video awards: Speaking of tits...Andrei Kostitsyn is the only recipient of the first star as voted by Bell subscribers. Exciting. You can also throw TFS(tm), PK Subban and Tutlepleks in there with him. Maybe they'll get to sign pucks in the hallway outside the Habs dressing room one day. Live the dream, boys.

Hotter than Kelly LeBrock in a crop-top: For the Isles, Dwayne Roloson's numbers are almost as good as Carey's the last couple of games. Tavares is tearing it up with 6 points since his brain injury, and someone named PA Parenteau is royally fucking up my hockey pool with 6 points in his last 4 games.

Colder than an ice-cold Cola-cola Classic: Benoit Brunet started the argument for breaking up Gio and Gomez last game, and who are we to argue with such a wise and experienced hockey mind? No, but seriously, he's an idiot, but might have a point about this one. It does seem like Gomez only has eyes for Gio out there, no matter what glorified 4th liner is playing filler along side. How about Gio and Eller together, Jacques? They could be the new Luigi and Mario. Not coincidentally, Montreal's PP is last in the league.

Colder than Cyndi Lauper's album sales after True Colors: For the Isles, Doug Weight has fallen back to earth after a torrid start which the bastard used to seduce me into dropping Alex Tanguay ... not that I'm bitter. And did I mention the Isles have sucked for most of my adult life?

More hurt than Eddie Johnson's feeling when Mario refused to shake his hand or don a Penguin's jersey after getting drafted: Markov's back soon! Other than that the Habs are eerily healthy. Until I wrote that, when the failure of an O-ring on the right solid-fuel rocket booster of TFS's new car caused a huge disaster involving Subban, Big Tits, Turtlepleks, Squid, Gill and Georges.

In worse shape than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man after they crossed streams: On top of crappy management, the Isles are dealing with crappy luck. The Original Swiss Mister is out most of the year, and hot shot power forward Kyle Okposo is out long term as well. John Bailey is out day-to-day with a creaky hip. Yes, just like your grandmother complains about.

Blogs didn't exist in 1983: so go read The Hockey News, for old times sake. Yes, before THN had a website, a mobile app and glossy magazine layout, it was an actual weekly newspaper. (Stacked in my closet for years waiting to start a fire until my parents finally kicked me out of the basement. If they only knew what I was hiding between issues...)

Speaking of Stay Puft:

Magical Game 6 Preview and Open Thread

How are the Habs juggling all the blueline injuries and still coming up with a Big D? Magic!

Do or die. There is no tomorrow. Backs against the wall. Am I forgetting one? It's the fourth such match for the Habs this year, so they've heard 'em all. Several times. Just in the playoffs.

We've been posting little crazy little blog nazi's for the past few weeks, and since you obviously have internet access and some sort of an affiliation with the Habs (whether pro or con), there's not much I can tell you in terms of a game preview that you don't already know.

Apparently I am forbidden from praising any head coach of the Montreal Canadiens on this blog, given all the blame foisted upon Count Chocula Jacques Martin and Carboner before him. So how about a little praise for an assistant coach?

Perry Pearn runs the defence for Montreal, and has done a great job line matching in the playoffs. Impressive in and of itself, given the reputation of the opposing forwards faced through two rounds. With injuries to Paul Mara (yes, apparently he is still on the roster), Markov, Spacek and now Gill, combined with a rookie defencemen playing over 20 minutes a night and MAB's inability to turn and skate backwards once he has gained any forward momentum, we only have one conclusion:

Perry Pearn is a wizard.

Jaro provides a helping hand, of course, and between the two of them they've been making defensive magic behind what all the cool blogs are calling (graciously) a "patchwork" defence. So, consider this our tribute to the Magical Mr. Pearn and his apprentice, Jaro.

Now if only Kirk Muller can trap some of that magic in a bottle for his group of midget attackers and we might see a game seven on Wednesday...

[Ed. Note: for those who repeatedly hit "refresh" like HF29, you'll notice I originally posted without a title, just to be different. Well, some people - like HF29 - like to click the title to get all the comments on screen with no pop up, so I've added an admittedly lame title for you and your ilk. So much for thinking outside the box. Heh, I said box.]

Who else has been magical for the Habs? Okay, let's talk more about PK in the comments.

Little People Can Do Big Things Like Bullet Point Previews When Timing is of the Essence (Thanks, NBC and Point Park University Commencement)

So the original title of the preview was "Little People can do big things, but they're on a deadline because of the stupid schedule and the Igloo's dumbass decision to rent the rink to some fourth-rate Pittsburgh trade school for their graduation while their defending Cup champs/main tenants are defending their title so it's all bullet points and quick thoughts preview," but that was just a wee bit too long for Blogger. But the point is made, we had no time to think thanks to the schedule. Hey, bullet points are quick! Let's do bullet points! Herewith, our team effort series preview, all thanks to Point Park University. Fuck them and their convocation Saturday and their most famous alumnus, that used-to-be-funny-now-right-wing-asshole Dennis Miller.

The Goalies bullets by Panger:

• Halak needs to channel the ghosts of Vezina and Hainsworth and Durnan and Worsley and Plante and Dryden and Roy for the Habs to have a chance. He could steal a couple - but 4 is asking a lot.
• JM better not give another start to the Fat Whale, even if Halak gives up 5 and gets the hook 2 minutes into the first. Even if Halak's appendix bursts. Even in the event Jaro needs a limb amputated. Should he actually pass out on the ice due to sheer exhaustion, JM better strap him to the posts a la Milhouse.
• Fleury, like Theodore before him, just needs not to self destruct. Like if he went back to those hideous yellow pads.

The Defense bullets by HF29:

• Hal Gill;
• Hal Gill;
• Hal Gill;
• Did we mention Hal Gill? Talk about a story. Not re-signed after winning the Cup with the Pens last year. Played like a MONSTER the whole Caps series, blocking every shot he could see and basically being 1.5 players on the PK;
• Along with his partner Josh Gorges, USS Gill helped shut down the Caps offense. Can they do the same to Sid, Malkin, et al? Won't be easy. Sid plays a much grittier game than Ovie, down low and against the boards and behind the net, always a bull with the puck. You can't just get in front of him as he comes down the wing and block his shots like they did with Ovie;
• Is something wrong with Markov? Played a lot of minutes against the Caps but didn't really dominate in any way. We would love to see a return of the Markov we saw just after he came back from the injury;
• Habs D wildcards: PFK, The Urologist, and Jaro 2.0's mysterious infection of death;
• The Pens D is not the Caps D. They can't be as easily exploited. Gonchar is not as bad a defensive liability as Mike Green was. Like Gonchar, Goligoski and Letang also get points;
• Then they have some shutdown D your average joe sports fan never heard of - Eaton, McKee and Orpik. All of them were positive +/- against the Sens;
• I'm out of D bullets. What am I, a hockey expert?
  

The Forwards bullets by HF10:

• Someone needs Andrei to spread the goals out a little. Three in a seven game series good; all three in one game less helpful.
• Chicken sure can skate better than Gui. He got replaced by Travis Moen on the top line. Enough said.
• Giant! Mexican! MoeMan! Played some inspired hockey versus Ovie. The ante just got upped.
• JagrPleks was fairly quiet after Game 1's heroics, wasn't he? But Cammy is full value right now, getting goals early and often.
• Habs got fantastic work from the ditch-diggers. Mad Max is ready to re-annoy Sid. Dominic Moore scored that goal. I wouldn't trade throw-in Tommy Pyatt for Chris Higgins straight-up right now. Metro needs to get back to full-strength but he's almost there.
• Jaro's crease just got more crowded, because unlike the Caps, Pens are coming full speed towards the blue paint. Jordan Staal, Bill Guerin, Max Talbot, Chris Kunitz, Pascal Dupuis and Tyler Kennedy won't have any issue with getting ugly goals.
• Matt Cooke: Still a cheapshotting ass.
• Here's hoping Malkin stays asleep. Deadline addition of Alex Ponikarovsky didn't help as much as the Pens hoped. Ruslan Fedetenko always seems to score one back-breaking playoff goal.
• Looming over everything is the FACE OF THE LEAGUE (Bettman's fantasy) himself. With Malkin sleepwalking most of the year, Crosby has single-handedly dragged this team whereever it needs to go. 14 points in the first round. 14. 51 goals in the regular season. An Olympic gold. Impossible to knock off the puck down low. Not too get too McSploogy, but Sid the Kid is a hockey-playing terminator right now and far and away the best player on the planet (in my opinion.) Fun fact: He has 25 career points in 18 games versus his childhood favourites. He's 22 fucking years old. We could be writing this paragraph for another 15 years.

Some closing random bullets:

• Game tonight is at 7 PM, on the See Bee See. We're getting Bob Cole according to Stubbs. Great, now I'll be slitting my wrists watching Benny Brunet;
• Pens won 3 of 4 from the Habs this year. Meh. But it's a whole new season!
• Here's The Pensblog's excellent take on the Habs and the series. Honest and accurate (and funny as always). What's wrong with them today? We expected way more hating;
• Chris Lee is one of the refs tonight. Fuck Chris Lee and Fuck the NHL. Seriously, Fuck;
• Fleury, Talbot, Dupuis, Letang are all "playing in front of friends and family" as they say. That smells trouble;
• Special teams are important;
• When you start writing ridiculous obvious tripe like "special teams are important," you are officially out of bullet points.

So that's it. The pants are off, the beer is poured and the puck will be dropping soon. This is your open thread in case that wasn't clear or you're drunk already. Go you fucking Habs!!! Go you fucking Pants!!!

Halloween Habs vs Leafs on HNIC Game Preview and Open Thread

Ah the Bi-Polar nature of Halloween: girls in sexy costumes and cool terrifying masks like The Traitor - more Douc$harek apparel available soon on Ebay from GG11.

It's almost game time, and my stomach is sore. I'm not sure if it's from eating the Halloween candy we're supposed to be giving away - for free! - to neighbourhood brats or from laughing so hard at "Jaro's" game review. Without any hyperbole whatsoever, that was the funniest thing I've ever read on the Internet. Bravo.

My stomach may also be sore from bubbling over in acidic anticipation of The Return of Michael Komisarek. Formerly My Boy Komo finally comes back to play where he was drafted and developed yadda yadda yadda now he's Douc$harek and we all hate him:


Let's hit the Hallowe'en bullet point preview:

• If you're not reading this on your ifone/crackberry, you're likely watching it on your nearest tv right now
• available on virtually all Canadian Broadcasting Corporation channels, before God and a coast to coast audience to determine which team may find some interim relief from their solidly mediocre starts.


• Horrible Haunting Habs really suck on the road, having lost four straight.


• But the Frighteningly Scary Leafs still suck more: only one win all season.
• Habs win and we can all laugh and point and call Leafs' fans names cause their team only won one game all month. On the other hand, it might encourage more Leafs fans to sell their allegiance on Ebay, thereby infecting every fan base with irrational douchebag fan rah-rahism.


• I've done no research whatsoever but I'm guessing since the Laughs finally managed to win a game in Anaheim (and rather handily at that) and then earned road points in Dallas and Buffalo means The Big Ufas of 2009, Niceroad and Penalty King Komo and thir forwards generally must be sucking slightly less lately.


• I heard Grabby scored a shorty late in Sabreland to pickpocket a point last night.
He's still a smurf fucker.


• The GiantMexicanTits experiment was a disaster, each of them finishing -2. Who knows which sap is next up in the rotation. BGL, maybe? Freakin' Stewie??


• TurtlePleks doesn't suck - he's actually good now. Until I said that (reverse jink).
Or does Halloween mean the return of ZombiePleks from the (un)dead?


• A second liner Mad Max is not. Then again, I may have been a bit casual in tagging CHips as a career AHLer. Maybe. Not sure. Same with Stewie.


• BFW(tm) gets the start.


• To answer your question: Big Fat Whale, Carey Price. (Come on, I know it's blatant gimmick infringement of a colleague (sorry 4) but I can't get enough of that joke. "Cari is a big fat wale". Heh.)


• The scariest thing about it being October 31 is that February 2010 is still on long way off and so is Markov.


• Did I mention Leafs suck? God I love saying that. Please let them finish last even if it means the Bruins get a number one pick - the B's tend to give those away like candy on Halloween anyway.


• Both teams playing their third game in four nights, so we may see some goals. These and other actual game preview-like thoughts over at a CBC.ca blog.


• Rather than leave your home to visit a gentleman's club, stay home, surf the net and look at some ladies who, while intellectual and sharp as I'm sure they are, may be there the next time you decide to go out to such a club.


• Oh yeah, and happy Halloween, Habs fans. Let's hope the Habs show more talent and effort than Panger's pumpkin carving

(You can't see it but on the other side is a pumpkin face with a Habs tuque on. More evidence that Habs Rule: this pumpkin was entered in a Calgary office contest and won.)

Let's hears the screams and cries from all you Boils and Ghouls roaming out there this All Hallow's Eve in the comments.

Habs vs Leafs Preview and Open Thread: Last Minute Edition

Thanksgiving weekend means family commitments and a 3 hour drive to the Chuck (that's Edmonton for non-Albertans), meaning last-minute game previews. Enjoy.

• TV: HNIC and RDS; ironically only one of those will be playing the HNIC Theme, and it won't be HNIC.
  
• Jaro gets the start for the Habs; Toskala starts for Leafs.

• Jaro seeys he weel ween twonite cause he batter then facking Ceerey Price.

• Leafs coming off big win in Detroit while the Habs lost in a shootout to Sabres
• If Habs lose, they'll be riots in the streets in Mtl - and they'll be planning a parade in T.O.
  

Dirty thoughts in comments, yada yada ...