The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the return of Arrested Development...

• Habs are up in Collingwood, Ontario bondaging bonding with each other or something. Someone want to tell us why they have to go to Toronto cottage country to do that? Quebec doesn't have any cottage country?
• Open season on Habs heads! Campy ain't happy. Even some in the CotU media think Malone should have been suspended. Here's Shanny's video explanation <cough>bullshit<cough>;
• ESPN launches its first rankings, and Habs are 18th. Whatevs;
• It's official, Sid the Kid will start the season on IR.

Hey just two days 'til real hockey! We're finally maybe hopefully ready to drop a stripperriffic season preview on you, so check back around noon-ish. Maybe. Hopefully.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 29

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a wild night in baseball...

• Some players we've never heard of went back to Hamilton yesterday. That leaves 36 in camp prior to tonight's Lightning tilt, though that includes a bunch of wounded;
• Have we seen the last of Swiss Mister II?
• TSN's 30 teams in 30 days crap has arrived at the Habs. It seems pretty straightforward and reasonable. The Leafs vs. Habs comments there are another story;
• Speaking of the Laffs, here's a solid headline - "Toronto: The Worst Sports City in the World";
• Someone's been charged in the banana incident;
• Shana Tova ("Happy New Year", sort of) to all the Jews and Jew lovers out there. Here's some hot Jew action (and for the ladies too) to celebrate.

Today's video of Evelyne's tits Habs TV is a tour of the new boards / glass at the Bell. They're bouncy. The boards I mean.

The Morning Skate tries to figure out the Habs Defense for Thursday, June 30

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Pope Tweeting...

• OK let's see if we can keep track of the Habs D here. Yesterday the following happened: Hamr refused the Habs offer, the Habs traded CHeez Whiz' rights to the BJs for a 7th round pick which becomes a 5th rounder if he actually signs, and Swiss Mister II signed a $1.7 million 2-year deal. So we guess this leaves us with: Vodkov, Gorges, PFK, Gill, SpatCHes, (Y)Emelin and SMII. Sound about right? Everyone start praying for Vodkov's knees right now;
• CHeez Whiz pens his goodbye to Montreal;
• Goodbye and good luck Paul Kariya. Always a class guy who suffered through a lot of shit;
• Anyone in the market for a Chirs Drury?
• Rollie the Goalie squeezes out another $3 million from his 41-year old body;
• The NHLPA has called shenanigans on the Predators for not offering their RFA's contracts;
• Jagr has gone missing or something.

Whew, deep breath. Tomorrow is Free Agent Frenzy Big Fat Bob Mckenzie Day, and we have heard rumours of Panger blogging actual hockey stuff. So that means Sexy Friday may be bumped. But moe found a new vid of FHF fave Kate Upton that just won't wait til next week, so we present, uh, Titty Thursday?

The Morning Skate says goodbye to an old poultry friend for Tuesday, June 28th

Oh Giant Mexican CHicken, we hardly knew ye

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting some mail again...

• So the Habs did not extend qualifying offers to RFA's Tom "Tommy" Pyatt, Alex "Captain" Picard and of course, Benoit "Benny the CHicken" Pouliot, thus relegating the Giant Mexican CHicken line to our happy memories of the 3 games they kicked ass together. Now, technically, the Habs could still land these players after July 1 when no one wants them, though not giving an offer is a likely sign they don't give a shit about any of them. Adios guys;
• Mad Max manages to squeeze $2 million for 2 years out of the Nucks;
• Kevin Bieksa also gets cash from the Nucks, 5 years and $23M;
• Lap dance to GG11 for shooting us this video of Kirk being introduced to the Predators organization (jump to the 7:55 mark). The amount of times he gets called "Kurt" is comedy gold. Sad, pathetic, comedy gold;
• PHucktards continue their makeover by trade;
• If you think the return of TMS is an excuse to link to my True Blood review, you are correct, sir or madam.

Have a nice day.

It's an old-fashioned Sexy Friday Draft Day (well, Round 1 anyway) Morning Skate Markov-mania megapost

True Blood hottie vampires in honour of the True Blood Season 4 premiere this Sunday. Wrap around curl and I are back this summer over at True Blood...or Hockey? so check it out (if you care)

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of George Clooney's now-ex in a bikini...

• VODKOV!! For realz this time! 3 years at $5.75 per, or $17.25 total, or $8.625 per knee. The annual salary is what he was already making, exactly. That seems reasonable we guess. Sorry you don't get a post of your own Andrei, but there's a lot of tits shit to cover this morning. Here's your sexy legs so you fit in;
• Say hello to the new PHucktards, same as the old PHucktards, except with more Russian goalies;
• The full Habs' schedule is out. Opening and closing with the Laffs again. Oh joy; 
• Decent explanation from Hickey about the synergy of the Team 990 radio deal;
• Claude Noel (who?) is the Winnipeg ____s' new head coach;
• We guess we should say something about the NHL awards from the other night. Um, congrats Pleky for finishing 13th in the Selke voting! Or how about "Suck it, Sedin losers"?
• The first round of the draft is tonight in beautiful Minneapolis-St. Paul. Habs pick 17th. Here's McSPlooge telling you who will pick who;
• Here's some new(-ish) Kate Upton lingerie pics.

Do you enjoy cleavage? We bet you do! Then you'll enjoy this behind the scenes vid of the Katy Perry Rolling Stone cover story photo shoot. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Sexy Friday enjoys a good riot, not going anywhere

This pic was everywhere yesterday. I still think it's Photoshopped.

Oh, hello there. A fine Sexy Friday morning to you all. We hope you're all enjoying your Bruins win the Cup hangover. FUCK. Ugh. Anyway, season's over, bitCHes! Time to go outside and, um, do stuff? What do we know. Anyway, this is the second "we're not going anywhere over the summer" post we've written lately. But it is the first "TMS / Tweet this bitCHes is on sabbatical" post. Yes, that morning dude needs to recharge his batteries and sleep in every now and then. (Who are we kidding - at our age our prostate wakes us up every 2 hours. TMI?). So despite the fact that the highlight of our day is reading your insane yet brilliant comments, which is why we write the crap we do every day, we've got to warn you that those daily posts might vanish for the next little while. We'll keep tabs on Habs news (if any) of course and Sexy Friday runs 12 months a year, so no worries there. But if we don't post for a day or two every now and then, don't panic, and feel free to talk amongst yourselves in whatever the last post is. Or Steve can just talk to himself. We can't imagine him not commenting for a few hours, let alone a few days. We kid because we love, Steve.

OK enough site news. Let's get to the Habs news. (...) Hmmm. Not much. Vodkov negotiations and Jagr dreams is the best we can do. Is the draft soon or something?

Let's get to the sexy news. There's always sexy news. For you Game of Thrones fans (best show on TV right now), you may be interested to know a porn star is on the show now. Here's some Game of Thrones beefcake for the ladies. For you fans of hot chicks doing housework, Vanessa Hudgens is ironing in her underwear. For you fans of hot chicks in general, Minka Kelly is hot. Let's finish this off (heh, finish) with a new Candice Swanepoel (heh, pole) Victoria's Secret photo shoot. Happy Sexy Friday, and happy offseason everyone.

Sexy Friday is rambling

Oh hello there. Good Friday morning (not Good Friday morning, but a good Friday morning, if you know what we mean) to you, kind sir or lady. After Tweeting this bitCHes for a couple of weeks now we seem to have a lot of words left over to use. Actually we wanted to Tweet this bitCHes this morning but really there was nothing to Tweet about. No game yesterday. What the hell is gonna happen when the playoffs are actually over? We may go into hibernation. The big Habs news yesterday was the signing of Joonas "The Jew" "Natty Light" Nattinnen. "Joonas is a promising young player with size and skills," The Goat said in a statement. If we had a nickel for every time we heard that. Well actually, we never hear about the size part, so maybe this is a step up? That's really it for the hockey news. Well Doug Weight retired. Yawn. We remember when he was a promising young player with size and skills (5'11" was big back then, in the '40s) . Man we're old. That may be why we're rambling. Here's a tidbit about Bettman, the NHL and ESPN, with a juicy quote that like the Globe's writer, we have no fucking clue what it means. Bettman no doubt is too busy fixing the Bs-Bolts Game 7 tonight (Rollie is starting) to give a shit though. Already he's been busy not suspending Nathan Horton. We believe that about wraps up the hockey story this morning, Memorial Cup results notwithstanding.

Let's see what else is going on around the internets? [checks Buzzfeed] Meh. The big trending news seems to be the engagement of a useless reality star known for having a fat ass and making a really shitty porno and a marginal NBA player. The world is going to hell, face it people. Sports news? The Heat are off to the NBA Finals against the Mavs. The NBA playoffs have been pretty darn good this year. We should know, we've watched enough of them because we (confession time) really fucking hate hockey (once the Habs are out). Just too depressing to watch. Though we imagine we'll tune in to some Game 7 tonight, but only after Friday Night Lights is over. Man we're rambling. Speaking of rambling, have you read Steve's blog yet? It's actually quite coherent! Well sort of. It is Steve after all. And on a wide range of topics no less! Everything from the Military Industrial Complex to the world economy to Bob Dylan to even some hockey. And as to be expected from Steve, he's prolific. Anyway, worth a read in the nightmare of the off-season. What else you gonna do?

OK enough rambling, on to the sexy. Here's LiLo frolicking in a bikini, Bar Rafaeli in a bikini, Julianne Hough in a bikini, LeAnn Rimes in a bikini, and Aubrey O'Day in a bikini. We sense a theme here. Today's vid is gracias à moeman, who found this safe for work porn video. No, really! It's a bunch of pre-sex scenes from porn movies strung together in a music video. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

The Morning Skate for Monday, May 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of some revenge for 9/11 victims...

• Vinny! OT! Bolts 2, Caps 1. Are we supposed to be rooting for Habs South now?
• The Sharks take care of their second game at home and beat the Wings 2-1;
• Jack Todd likes The Goat;
• Speaking of the Goat, here's notes on his post-mortem;
• In case you missed it from the comments over the dark period of last week, here's Puck Daddy's (technically Days of Y'Orr's) Habs Eulogy.

Oh hello there. Hope you're well. You may have noticed we've turned the lights back on as we try to drag ourselves out of the abyss. T'ain't easy. This is the annual "don't go anywhere over the off-season" message from FHF. No doubt we'll find some filler crap for you with all the tits and meth jokes you've come to love, though maybe not every day 'cause we're really fucking lazy. We think moeman has a season review in the works, and after that we've got, uh, the draft in June? Anyway we're not going anywhere, though you may have some more time to do other things. Like go outside. Now get out there and vote for Steve.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of giving up the lead three times then losing in OT...

• FUCK. More later;
• At least our goalie wasn't pulled (again) like Luuuuuuu. Hawks 5 Nucks 0;
• San Jose takes a 3-1 series lead thanks to a 6-3 win over the Kings.

We're in no mood for Sexy Friday, sorry. FUCK.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Men Without Hats reunion...

• Dave Bolland came back from a concussion and scored 1G 3A and LOOOOOUUUU shat the bed. Result: Hawks 7, Nucks 2 and some minor signs of life for the Hawks;
• The Sharks were down by 4 goals to the Kings but stormed all the way back and Devin Setoguchi (who? man, we should watch the West once in a while) scored in OT to give the Sharks a 6-5 win and a 2-1 series lead;
• The NHL signs a 10-year, $2 billion deal to continue on NBC and Versus. TMS' opinion is that we live in Canada so we don't give a fuck;
• Your obvious headline of the day: First goal crucial in Habs-Bruins series;
• The Calder finalists do not include PFK. Racist bastards;
• The NHL Wheel of Justice handed out a couple of token suspensions;
• Well that Vinny Damphousse domestic abuse business took a strange turn as his (estranged) wife was charged with assaulting him.

You know, normally we'd be pissed about this two-days off thing, but it's for a Rush show and we simply can't be angry at the greatest band not in the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. What the hell, let's play some Rush. Rock on.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting your nose bit off by a shih-tzu...

• Well, you didn't think the Habs would win four straight did you? Habs come out flat and fall into a 3-0 hole, storm back only to lose in the end 4-2 (with the last one into an empty net). We'd like to tell you more, but, well, the brisket and matzoh were delicious. More later today;
• Brian Boucher steadies the PHucktards' back end and they take a 2-1 series lead over the Sabres with a 4-2 win;
• Somehow the Pens have managed to take a 2-1 series lead over the Bolts even without their top scorers thanks to a 3-2 win;
• The Wings look to be headed for a sweep after they beat the Yotes 4-2;
• Bruce Boudreau has some problems with MSG;
• Bruce Boudreau has some problems with the NHL.

Deep breath? Sigh? Your choice this morning.

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, April 15

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of WAGs in Playboy...

• Fuck da Broons, fuck the media in general and CBC in particular. Habs 2, Bs NOTHING. Major props to TFS of course, but also Gio and his two goals, The Mexican American and his sweet, sweet passes, Plexxxe for goading the shaved gorilla into the dumbest penalty to ice the game, PFK and the whole defense frankly for keeping most of the 31 shots low quality, CHokula even, well let's face it everyone. Even if we lose the next 4 straight, this was awesome. More later today;
• Die PHucktards, die! Sabres 1, Flyers 0;
• Joe Pavelski had the OT winner for the Sharks as they beat the Kings 3-2;
• Vincent Damphousse has been charged with six counts of assaulting his wife. Innocent until proven guilty, etc., but ick. Nothing funny about domestic violence.

Long form highlights after a playoff win over the Bs + a TV commercial for, we don't know, tits maybe? = greatest Sexy Friday ever. Have a good one everyone.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being the first man in space...

• The Habs-Bs previews are starting to pour in from everywhere except FHF (we're drunk). From the MSM we've got: The Gazette, TSN, and The Globe and Mail;
• From the Boston Globe: Sox let one get away;
• From the blogs we've got JT and Dennis Kane;
• The shaved gorilla "will not be questioned or arrested" when the Bs come to Montreal for Game 3;
• We've got predictions too. Of all the ESPN guys only Burnside had the balls to pick the Habs. THN likes the Bs in 6. And guess who Don Cherry picked. We bet you guessed right;
• Puck Daddy ranks the first round series in terms of excitement or watchability or something. Guess which series is the best. We bet you guessed right;
• The Leaf are Cup contenders, according to a delusional Ron Wilson;
• The Wild fired coach Todd Richards;
• The NHL will start next season in Europe;
• Ken Hitchcock will coach Team Canada at the IIHF championships in Slovakia, a team that will be loaded with Leafs.

To no one's surprise, FHF is still working on our Habs-Bs preview. We are actually making progress though! A Pantscast has been recorded and should be posted tomorrow. And our preview series should premiere today if we can recover enough from the drunken Pantscasting to actually write the thing.

The Morning Skate has playoff fever for Monday, April 11

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Masters or winning the World Curling Championship...

• After watching the Blackhawks lose in the afternoon, the Stars had their playoff destiny in their hands, but choked under pressure with a 5-3 loss to Minny;
• Boston prepares for the Habs by losing to the Devils, as Jacques Lemaire coached his "final" game (for the third time);
• Pens gave a bunch of players the day off, and they still beat the Thrash;
• The Avs 4 Edm 3 game was only notable for the final game of Adam Foote, the last guy in the league to don a Nords jersey;
• For the record, Corey Perry wins the Rocket Richard trophy, Daniel Sedin the Art Ross and Luongo / some backup the Jennings;
• We'll be checking the Boston Globe all week. Right now the Globe reports that the Celtics are down to 3rd in the East and the Sawx won;
• Jack Todd recaps the Habs season;
• Here's PJ Stock's take on Mon-Bos. Guess who he picks.

Playoffs! We'd get excited, but we need to wake up first. We'll get to work on some sort of preview soon, maybe even a Pantscast. You'll see an updated Habs playoff schedule in a box on the right. Here's the full sched from the NHL (after moving the Federal Election debate). In case you need us to tell you the matchups for some reason, here they are.

East
Caps-Rangers
Phucktards-Sabres
Bs-Habs
Pens-Bolts

West
Nucks-Hawks
Sharks-Kings
Wings-Yotes
Ducks-Preds

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, April 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning a national championship...

• So the Bs were winning 3-0 when they collectively decided "hey we can screw the Habs if we give up now" which they did. Rangers 5, Bs 3;
• That leaves the Rangers tied with the Habs for 6th, though the Habs have a game in hand;
• By our count that eliminated the Leaf, but TSN says if the Leaf win ALL their games in regulation and the Sabres lose ALL their games in regulation AND the Canes get no more than 2 points in their games the Leaf would still have a chance. So hey, it's possible!
• San Jose clinched their division with a win over the Kings;
• That's it? That's it;
• Your power rankings roundup has the Habs in 14th (ESPN), 17th (THN), and 13th (TSN).

A hungry and angry Chicago team comes calling this evening. Two points and it's the playoffs guaranteed. Please, pretty please, with sugar on top get them.

The Morning Skate for Monday, April 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Playstation phone...

• 3-point games up the wazoo;
• Buffalo beats the Canes in OT thanks to not-Ryan Miller again;
• The Rangers get the extra point in the shootout over the Flyers;
• That leaves Montreal with 91 points, Buffalo with 90, NYR with 89 and Carolina with 87, all with 3 games to play. By our count that leaves the Habs needing two points in 3 games to clinch a playoff spot. And a single point for the Rangers and Buffalo would eliminate the Leaf once and for all;
• The Bolts win their fifth in a row, get to 99 points and could technically make it all the way to 1st in the East;
• The Bolts win was over the Hawks, which buoyed the Flames' slim chances to get that 8th spot in the West after their 2-1 win over the Avs;
• The Little Fuckity-Fuck had 2 goals in the Stars' 4-3 win over the Ducks to prevent both the Stars' elimination and the Ducks from clinching a playoff spot. For "fun's" sake we'll point out the Little Fuckity Fuck has 66 points this year which would lead the Habs in scoring by ten points;
• The Wings clinch their division with a 4-2 win over the Wild.

3 games left! The final week! Where has the season gone?

The Morning Skate for Thursday, March 31st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being excluded from the debates...

• On the plus side, Habs scored 2 PP goals. On the minus side, everything else. Canes 6 Habs 2. Commence panicking (if you weren't already). More later today;
• Not Ryan Miller and the Sabres shut out the Rangers. This leaves the teams tied for 7th, 2 points behind the Habs in 6th and they both have a game in hand;
• Devils technically still in the playoff hunt after a 3-2 win over the Isles, the same way the Leaf is technically in the playoff hunt;
• The Ducks probably buried the Flames with a 4-2 win;
• Blues 10, Wings 3. Huh?

Sigh.

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being Cinderella...

• The Bs punch their ticket to the playoffs thanks to a 2-1 win over the Phucktards;
• Atlanta tries to hold on to some playoff hope with a win over the Sens;
• The Pens win their fourth game in a row by shootout (setting a dubious NHL record in the process) 2-1 over the Panthers;
• The 'Nucks get to 50 wins for the first time in their history thanks to Chris Higgins' 2G 1A night;
• Bag skate! It won't help.

Just six games left in the season. Six games to score ONE GOAL. FOR PATCHES.

The Morning Sexy Friday Skate for March 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Alessandra Ambrosio in GQ Brazil...

• Ugh. Well that was. um, pathetic? Embarrassing? Hell? Thank goodness we could switch to our awesome Gators winning in OT and forget about that crap. More later today;
• The Rangers only managed a point from the Sens, but that's enough to get them to 2 points behind the Habs for 6th;
• Tronna is planning the parade after their 4-3 win over the Avs;
• Somehow Pittsburgh could still finish first in the East after beating the Flyers in a shootout;
• Atlanta still with a shot at the playoffs, maybe, a long one, after a 2-1 win over the Isles;
• Your token West game has the Preds solidifying their position with a 5-4 win over the Ducks.

Id' like to say let's forget about last night and get on with Sexy Friday, but that's gonna be a tough one to forget. But Sexy Friday goes on dammit. In our continuing quest to bring you all the best Megan Fox Armani underwear news, we've got the behind the scenes video of the ad we've showed you twice already. Happy (as much as that's possible) Sexy Friday everyone.

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the first full day of spring...

• ??? 8 goals? Apparently. Habs 8, Wild 1.So much to love. A PFK hat trick. A Gordie Howe hat trick for BlanCHe Dubois. A solid backup goalie performance. Hell, even CHicken played well. 40 wins (more than all last year) with 9 games still to play. Nipping at Boston's heels (again. sigh.) A significant bounce back from the Rangers game, we'd have to say, even if it was just the Wild. More later;
• Matt Cooke! Cheap shot! To the head! We know that's hard to believe. It wasn't enough to beat the Rangers tho who get a 5-2 win over the Pens;
• The Sabres get a precious point (or lost a precious point, depending on if you're a half full or half empty type) in the fight for 8th with a 4-3(OT) loss to the Preds thanks to Boom Boom's grandson's hat trick;
• Brodeur with a shutout as the Devils now sniffing the Leaf's derriere in the standings;
• In the Deathmatch for 8th in the West, The Ducks beat the Flames in OT 5-4;
• Something happening in Phoenix / Glendale that smells fishy somehow;
• Jack Todd puts the Cooke hit in the broader context.

Normally I'd be stoked to post long-form video highlights after an 8-1 win, but Bob Cold is a fucking embarrassment here. He's more excited for the penalty shot goal that breaks the shutout than all the Habs goals combined. And he must have been literally asleep during PFK's highlight reeler. Still, a kick ass start to the week.