Sunday, October 31, 2010

FHF Double Feature: Habs 3/1 Isles 1/Cats 3

In the first of two premieres, the Montreal Canadiens presented a feel-good story: ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT GOALIE.

Alex the Bald finally made his much-anticipated debut, and had a tour-de-force performance as "The Goaltender Who Just Stands There And Lets The Puck Hit Him". In his first live, public show since January 29, Alex showed the rust one would expect, but also how much preparation he put into his new ongoing role. Thus far, his door opening skills have been impectable. This script called for only a little more than that, and could not have played more into Auld's strengths: consistently in the right position but not called upon to make many reflex saves. While it was a successful debut, there is also no question that Auld is the understudy to Carey's leading role. Alex just doesn't have the smooth yet snappy moves of the younger and handsomer leading man Price.

Starring again in a supporting role was Benoit Pouliot, once more playing well off set up man Jeff Halpern. Also keeping themselves firmly in the spotlight were SuperPleXXX, the Squid and Big Tits with what used to be a staple of Canadiens' presentations, the now-rarely seen "power-play goal".

Trying to steal just a bit of their thunder were the likes of Gomez/Gio/Moen. I won't give away the ending of the next feature, but more on them later.

All in all, a feel-good crowd-pleaser featuring great chemistry and timing built around a sassy lead performance, it recalls up haunting images and Oscar-worthy performances.

In an even-more anticipated debut, Andrei Markov finally returned to the show in RETURN OF THE MARKOV. Not content to allow the Russian his moment in the spotlight, though, it was clear early on that Czech Tomas Vokoun was intent on stealing the limelight. While Markov received over 23 minutes of screen time, he was denied 1:25 of prime exposure while the Habs enjoyed a 5-3 advantage. Vokoun, though, was definitely the star, turnning aside 39 of his former club's shots.

But lets get to an exciting sub-plot: TFS(tm) versus hotshot David Booth. Carey once again played the Habs hero, twice comin up with large saves off turnovers. But the Jaro-That-We-Should-Have-Traded decided to up the suspense level by needlessly tripping David Booth after young Booth got a step on the Old Man on the D. Handed a free pass, Booth donned the black hat and played the villain to a "T", blowing a shot past our hero, Carey.

Despite a performance that could graciously be described as "tired" for 40 minutes, the Canadiens almost wrote another feel-good, come-from-behind story. Veteran character-actor Mathieu Darche stole the puck - and a few more hearts - in the second, and offered Canadiens fans their only chance to stand and cheer in what was ultimately a tear-jerker. Much was expected of the Gomez-Gio line both given its pedigree and paycheck, but was again disappointing insofar as it was another PG-13 performance - not enough offensive material for this reviewer's taste. That is a script that has already become all too repetitive to Canadiens fans.

Hopefully Gio/Gomez and the Canadiens generally can come up with a new script - one that includes a lot more offensive material - by the time the next show starts on Tuesday.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

CHilla Thrilla ~ Hallow's eve game day preview

Where: The 'Boo' Centre

When: Dusk, start soapin', eggin' and TP'n

Who: Les Panthères de la Floride

Trick: Try watCHing the game on RDS without hearing the words 'convaicu' et 'persuadé'

Treat: 1st place, overall, mini CHocolate bars for the entire team

Lump of coal: Mex, Jaro 2.0, PP

Walkom's smelly feet: GFY refs that allow goalie crashing goals

Due to my strong personal convictions,
I wish to stress that this parody in no
way endorses a belief in the occult but
at this time of year I do endorse Unicef!

OK FHFers, Dress up, Line up, Pants! up, Don't Fuck up!

(based on) Thrilla!

It's close to game night
Carey Vincent Price is lurkin' since his CHillin' remark
MuCH fewer red lights
We see a sight that almost stops our heart
We wanted to sCHream
When Trevor took the stage to pick number five
We started to freeze
When Jaro left to sing the Blues and jive
For a pair of Goat picked guys

'Cause this is ThrEller
ThrEller night
And no one's gonna save Vokoun
Lars is the beast about to strike
That first goal is gonna be killer
ThrEller night
You're fighting for icetime
A blonde Kirk Muller?
ThrEller tonight, yeah!

We hear our D slammed
And realize there's no one left to run
We feel the Goat's hand
And wonder if O'B'll ever see the sun
We close our eyes
And hope that this isn't just imagination
GGirl, but all the while
We hear our CHreature creepin' up behind
Its Vodkov time!

'Cause this is Thrilla
CHilla night
There ain't no second place
Count CHocula's team with forty eyes
(CHilla night)
Camera's zooming' on 4's gorgeous wife
Inside she's killer
Thriller FHFun tonight

HNIC creatures call
CBC's dead start to walk in their masquerade
There's no escaping their leaf love all the time
(Zoom in on Burke's fucking fat face)
When will it end your Habs hatin' life

BR's out to get you
There's woolly démons closing in on every side
Media will possess you
Why did you CHange that number to 11 on your dial
Now is the time
For you and Gio to cuddle close together, yeah
All through the night
MOEmaN'll save you from the terror on the screen
MOEmaN'll make you see

That this is Thrilla
CHilla night
'Cause Habs can thrill you more
Than any ghoulish gal would ever dare try
(CHilla night)
So let me hold you tight
And share a
killa, dilla, CHilla
Thrilla here tonight

'Cause this is Thrilla
CHilla night
Soperman, can thrill you more
Than any 50ish guy would ever dare try
(CHilla night)
So let me hold you tight
And share a
(PleXXXa, Thrilla)

Habs are gonna thrill you tonight! GYFH!


Darkness falls across the land
The game night hour is close at hand
CHreatures crawl in search of meth
Frozen in milk leads to an ice creamy death
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for going down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And be booed at the Centre Bell

I'm gonna Pants! you tonight
(WitCHes, BitCHes)
I'm gonna Pants! you tonight
(Zombies, bOObies)
I'm gonna Pants! you tonight
Ooh, babe, I'm gonna Pants! you tonight
Thrilla night, babe


The foulest stench is in the ACC air
The funk of forty three Cupless years
And grizzly trades from every tomb
Are closing in to kesseal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your soulless body starts to shiver
for no mere hockey mortal can resist
the beauty of the leaf killer, Go NYR.

Get your FHFreak On! and G Y F H!

Friday, October 29, 2010

6-2-1: Against all Aulds: Habs/Isles Game Preview and Open Thread

My apologies to Moe, the FHF and the rest of the world.

How Can I just let you walk away...

Ok, time's up. It's 5 pm and we've got to put this thing up.


Where: On a Long Island off a bigger one.

When: In like 5 minutes.

Hot: The Habs, not including USA! USA! (my new term for Gomez and Gio)

Cold: USA! USA! Dwayne Roloson on that Halpen goal; Dwayne from a Different World.

New: We all get to meet Alex Auld tonight. He played some decent hockey in pre-season but I can tell you first hand he's screwed up my last two hockey pools. Why I chose him is for another day.

Old: Doug Weight loves to play at the Bell Centre because he was buddies with Alexander back ion the day. Good thing he's back home tonight.

What else can I say? A win tonight and the Habs are a lock for the President's trophy.

Anything you wanna get off your chest? Tell me. I'm here.

The Game Day Skate for Friday, October 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Charlie Sheen's porn star hooker...
  • Tragically there was no meteor, but Tim Thomas and the Bs shut out the Leafs 2-0;
  • Ottawa may be de-zombifying, with a 5-3 win over the Panthers and another goal for The Artist;
  • Jaro has some sort of 150 minute shutout streak going after the Blues beat the Preds 3-0;
  • Avs win a wild one over the Flames, 6-5;
  • Here's BR's column that all you kidz were talking about yesterday. Blah blah blah we're not listening, we're in first place.
Habs head to the Island tonight. It's official, Alex Auld will start tonight and Vodkov cures the PP tomorrow. Oh, you're reminding me it's Sexy Friday? Here's more of Charlie Sheen's porn star hooker. It's SFW in that there's no nudity, it's NSFW in that it's a video of a couple of chicks making out.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dig this baby, Habs are on Fire - Habs 5 Isles 3

Drop a tab and crank this shit up, bitCHes...

Hey Moen, where you goin' with that stick in your hands
Hey Moen, I said where you goin' with that stick in your hands

I'm going down the ice for a shorty
You know, I caught a saucer from PleXXXe, 'cause he's the man
I'm going down the wing on the second line
You know, Jacques put Giant Mexican with another man
'Cause that line's too cool

Hey Jew, I said, I heard you shot some pucks at the net,
Shot 'em you bet
Hey Jew, I said, I heard you shot some pucks at the net,
Got a goal and assist

Yes I did, I shot 'em
You know, they caught Tits messin' round, messin' round town
Yes but that was last year
You know, they caught TFS messin' around town
But we gave him the gold
He stops 'em!

[stickhandles with teeth]

Hey Gio, I said
Where you gonna skate to now?
Where you gonna go?
Hey Gio, I said, where you gonna skate to now?
Where you gonna go?
And he said this

My goals are way down south,
Way down on Mexican's wing, but
I lead the team in shots
So soon I'm gonna break free
Ain't no one gonna blame me

P.K. playin', gonna,
Coach ain't gonna put a yoke around P, yeah
You better believe it baby

Hey moe, you better forgive me
Goodbye everybody

[stickhandles behind head]

The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Montreal Smoked meat in New York...
  • Well, that was aaaaalllllright. Habs have a nice balanced attack and a decent defensive effort to get a 5-3 win over the Isles. PleXXXe was all over the ice, as was PFK. We're pretty sure TFS leads the league in wins now. Habs in first place. Who's having fun? More later today;
  • Habs are actually tied with the Bolts for the Eastern Conference lead after they beat the Pens 5-3. Just like all the pundits predicted before the season;
  • Michal Neuvirth gets the shutout in the Caps' 3-0 win over the Canes;
  • Devils continue their slide into mediocrity (except when they play the Habs) with a 5-2 loss to the Sharks;
  • Graham James gets arrested in Toronto. No snark, that guy should rot in hell. Not that we're judging anyone before they have a fair trial, mind you.
Long form video highlights after a win? Yes, please.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Habs/Isles Preview (I): 80s Retro edition

Remember the early 80s? I was either too young or too hoped up on dope to remember, I can't recall which for some reason. Do you care? Probably not. You know who should? The New York Islanders.

Why? Because except for the huge upset of the Penguins back in 1993 (thanks, BTW), a once proud franchise has sunk into the abyss since the Eights. Four Stanlney Cups during the Reign of Bossy/Potvin/Trottier/Torrey and Arbour means that only 5 other teams have won more Cups. Since then, the Isles have been less successful than New Coke. Talk about mismanagement: Firing Arbour in '85-86 only to bring him back a few years later; buying out the franchise leader, Bryan Trottier; trading Pat LaFontaine; trading Turgeon and Malakhov for Muller and Schneider (thank you, Don Maloney); the John Spano debacle; and the Rangers winning it all in 1994. And we haven't even hit the Charles Wang era yet. All I have to say about that are "Alexei Yashin" and "Mike Milbury". They have been a laughing stock ever since Wang took over - the man has given us this gravest of crimes against hockey fashion and wanted to use a sumo wrestler as a goalie (don't get me started on how stupid and ridiculous that is). Oh, and he gave a 15-year contract to a man with hips that originally belonged to George Burns.

But now they've got John Tavares (born 7 years after their last Cup victory) so they've got that going for them. Not enough to bust the ghosts of 2-and-a-half decades of failure (like what I did there, tying it back into the pic? You're welcome). Now on to the preview:

Hotter than Madonna in a wedding dress at the MTV video awards: Speaking of tits...Andrei Kostitsyn is the only recipient of the first star as voted by Bell subscribers. Exciting. You can also throw TFS(tm), PK Subban and Tutlepleks in there with him. Maybe they'll get to sign pucks in the hallway outside the Habs dressing room one day. Live the dream, boys.

Hotter than Kelly LeBrock in a crop-top: For the Isles, Dwayne Roloson's numbers are almost as good as Carey's the last couple of games. Tavares is tearing it up with 6 points since his brain injury, and someone named PA Parenteau is royally fucking up my hockey pool with 6 points in his last 4 games.

Colder than an ice-cold Cola-cola Classic: Benoit Brunet started the argument for breaking up Gio and Gomez last game, and who are we to argue with such a wise and experienced hockey mind? No, but seriously, he's an idiot, but might have a point about this one. It does seem like Gomez only has eyes for Gio out there, no matter what glorified 4th liner is playing filler along side. How about Gio and Eller together, Jacques? They could be the new Luigi and Mario. Not coincidentally, Montreal's PP is last in the league.

Colder than Cyndi Lauper's album sales after True Colors: For the Isles, Doug Weight has fallen back to earth after a torrid start which the bastard used to seduce me into dropping Alex Tanguay ... not that I'm bitter. And did I mention the Isles have sucked for most of my adult life?

More hurt than Eddie Johnson's feeling when Mario refused to shake his hand or don a Penguin's jersey after getting drafted: Markov's back soon! Other than that the Habs are eerily healthy. Until I wrote that, when the failure of an O-ring on the right solid-fuel rocket booster of TFS's new car caused a huge disaster involving Subban, Big Tits, Turtlepleks, Squid, Gill and Georges.

In worse shape than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man after they crossed streams: On top of crappy management, the Isles are dealing with crappy luck. The Original Swiss Mister is out most of the year, and hot shot power forward Kyle Okposo is out long term as well. John Bailey is out day-to-day with a creaky hip. Yes, just like your grandmother complains about.

Blogs didn't exist in 1983: so go read The Hockey News, for old times sake. Yes, before THN had a website, a mobile app and glossy magazine layout, it was an actual weekly newspaper. (Stacked in my closet for years waiting to start a fire until my parents finally kicked me out of the basement. If they only knew what I was hiding between issues...)

Speaking of Stay Puft:

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, October 27

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of living like Charlie Sheen. You know, if you like hookers 'n blow...
  • Tronna goalie interferes their way (here's the vid) to a 3-1 win over the Panthers;
  • Kovalev comes out of his zombie coma, scores two in the Sens' 5-2 win over the Yotes;
  • Flyers take care of the Sabres 6-3;
  • Wild Battlle of Alberta last night. Oilers storm back from a 4-1 deficit in the 3rd but Alex Tanguay ends up with the shootout winner in the Flames' 5-4 win;
  • While we thought Big Tits throwing pucks to the crowd when he was named first star was cool at the time, turns out it's just a marketing thing. Meh;
  • Some good stuff in this Habs Drinking Game;
  • An artist sent us a link to his hockey exhibition, and it's pretty neat. There's a great Dryden in a Cornell jersey piece that's unfortunately been sold already, or we would have bought it to commemorate our time as a hockey blogging lawyer.
MEDIA WHORING ALERT - Yours truly will be on CJAD's The Habs Show this Sunday at 6:05 PM for almost a full half-hour. WTF can we talk about for a half hour? Help!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Jacques Martin Hockey is Taking Shape - Habs 3 - Coyotes 2 (OT)

Sure it had its moments of up and down hockey, but let's be clear about one thing: Jacques Martin has convinced his players to buy into his system.

It took a while for the players to gel last year. Even in the playoffs, given the amount of times the Habs were outshot by a wide margin, you could tell the team was still scrambling fro a real identity. There was no such thing as Montreal Canadiens hockey last year - even when the team had made it to the Conference finals.

This year is different. There isn't much room to move out there. It makes Carey Price's numbers much more convincing. It makes the goals against numbers a little daunting for the opposing teams. Fact is, this team isn't giving up too many chances, odd-man rushes or any free ice for that matter.

These Habs are a bit reminiscent of Pat Burns' team of 1989. Nothing flashy but stingy as heck. When the team loses, it's never ugly. Games are usually close, win or lose. Goaltending is very stable and the penalty kill is very efficient. What these guys can also do is skate. Team speed is making life hard for Montreal's opponents right now - and that's despite rusty wheels Gomez, where is my killer instinct Gio and variable X skating on that not so first line.

Martin is getting his guys to apply the boa constrictor squeeze on the other team. Last night had its moments but this was not a consistently free flowing game. This style of hockey doesn't afford it. Yet, it's working. And the style has had a huge benefit: it has made the players collectively committed to defence, and in the process has shielded Carey Price from what could have been a real franchise disaster. A poor start from Carey and the fans would have been all over the guy, team management and anything bleu-blanc-rouge; how much more negativity could Price have tolerated? In view of Halak's numbers to start the season, the comparable the fans dwell on may have culminated into a major story the Canadiens could do without.

The other side of this involves the space Andrei Kostitsyn continues to create for himself and for his linemates. He's putting it all together and that's what organized chemistry can create -  a far more cohesive style that allows for an easier breakout and gaining of the offensive zone.

Cammy's goal last night was almost a walk-in. A cool stride into the slot and an ensuite goal.

Several rushes by both teams up and down the ice but all contained within the confines of what Martin hockey will allow. The Pyatt brothers bumped shoulders a few times, but a Hunter brothers duel it was not.

The Boa slivers on, to the next game tomorrow.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, Ocotber 26

Andrei 'The Punisher'
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Dallas Cowboys schadenfreude...
  • Hey, that game was alright. Tits gets the winner in OT as the Habs win 3-2 over the Yotes. His linemates also had a goal apiece. Carey played well, and it was a fast-paced, decent style of hockey game. Even Lars Eller got his first point, and looked pretty good out there. If you can believe it, the Habs lead both the Northeast division and the Eastern Conference this morning. No really, it's true! More later today;
  • Kings beat the Wild in a SO, become the first team with 6 wins;
  • Columbus beat the Flyers, who are apparently playing like crap now;
  • RDS reports Vodkov will be back Saturday;
  • Rick Rypien meets the media for the first time since his incident, says he's sorry. We think he should have said "that cocksucker was asking for it. I regret NOTHING".
You know what we haven't done yet this season? Long form video highlights after a win. Hey it's Dave Randorf doing the TSN Habs game. No idea who the color guy is. Anyway, enjoy Tits' Bobby Orr impression on the winner.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Time for CHeerleaders? Jets preview and open thread

With the recent announcement that the Edmonton Oilers will have cheerleaders later this year, the first Canadian team to do so, our thoughts turned to cheerleaders. Well, our thoughts turned back to cheerleaders, having been fantasizing thinking about them ten minutes before. So the question needs to be asked, do we need CHeerleaders at the Bell Centre?

In a word, fuck and no. Look, I don't think anyone could accuse yours truly of not being a sexist pig who loves the female form. And God knows we love the cheerleaders. And CHeerleaders would undoubtedly be just fantastic, considering the talent in this city. But let's face it, the alleged job of a cheerleader is to get the fans worked up and excited and uh, cheering for their team. Think Habs fans need that? I think not. Not to mention there's just too much shit going on between periods and during timeouts anyway. CHeerleaders would take away valuable time from adorable little peewee kids skating five times as far as they're used to. Frankly, they should just get rid of ALL the extraneous crap. Screw the video boards, the fancy lights, the cranking of music. Just bring back the fucking organist, it's all we need in Montreal. Now get off my lawn while I grab some pom-poms (not a euphemism) and set up the Yotes.

One-two-three-four, here's the deets of what's in store - 7:30 PM start at the CHeerleader-less Bell. This is the premiere of TSN's regional coverage of Habs games, but unless you have BellTV (ch. 1402 for HD, 402 for SD), you're shit out of luck. Because when you are broadcasting the Habs, it's not like you need to be on Videotron or anything. This will be the teams' only meeting this year. Habs coming off the Saturday night shutout over the Sens, Jets lost in OT Saturday to the Whalers, and are 2-2-2 on the season. You'd think that would put them in the middle of the pack, but they're 14th in the West.

Five-six-seven-eight, here's a blog I just can't hate - Yotes Gurl is a fun read, especially when she's recounting stories of screaming at idiots in her own arena.

Three-two-one-zero, Andrei Tits, he's our hero - What a pleasure to write about Tits being hot. He lived in the cold column in the second half of last year. PleXXXe also counts as hot I guess with a point per game over his last 6, and give TFS some props too for the shutout and just being a workhorse. For the Yotes, Kyle Turrris' mom's son had a bad start but turned it up with 3 points against the Canes.

Five-four-three-two, here's some guys that you should boo - at what point does it become piling on the Giant Mexican? We may be getting there. On the plus side, if the team is 4-2-1 with each of them only having one goal, how good can we be when (if) they start scoring? Also, the PP has fallen to 30th in the league, if you're keeping track.

Red, yellow, blue, green, here's some guys that won't be seen - still no Vodkov to rescue the PP, though he should be back for the weekend. Expect the same lineup as Saturday. Alex Auld has to debut this week, right? For the Yotes, Shane Doan is sitting out the last of his 3-game suspension, and Martin Hanzal has a lower body that's injured.

Two-four-six-eight, tits and ass are really... just fucking awesome - If you want Montreal cheerleaders, here are some where they belong. The football field.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Chicken is Back on the Menu/That's Hot: Habs 3 Sens A Big Fat Zero

Mmmmmm. Tastes like CHicken - and fits in your purse!

So like, hi, and everything? As you know, I'm Ms. Paris Hilton? That's Hot. I was asked to the game last night by Mr. Panger? He's, like, Not, but that's okay cause he kinda-sorta knows about hockey. And I really like hockey, you know? Well, like, really hockey players? And ever since you-know-who, I really like Montreal hockey players? So I'm gonna tell you who's, like, Hot on the Canadiens? And, you know, cause Panger wants to feel involved and everything, I'm going to write some stuff he said, to. (He, like, ALWAYS needs it to be about him, you know?) So here's what I think:

CHicken is Hot. He hasn't scored in, like, forever - but I totally forgive him now, you know? 'Cause he, like, totally gave it to me last know, with that goal in that, like, hockey game...??

Panger says what's even hotter is that we seem to have identified CHicken's upside: a third liner who can also play the powerplay. Kind of like a homeless person's Tomas Holmstrom. Time to accept that we lost the Gui! trade, it seems.

Carey Price is Hot. Well, like, duh, I've been telling people that for, like, forever? And now that he's got that Halak out of the way, Carey is playing, like, really great. (But I have to admit, Jaro had really nice eyes. I just couldn't stand him always talking about his iTunas. He had nicer eyes than Jose, even. Oops, the like, lawyers told me I couldn't talk about him, you know?)

Panger says what's even hotter is the player Lars Eller is going to be plus TFS(tm) for hopefully a lot of years. And with all the best to Jaro, I'm glad the Habs didn't lock into a 4-year deal with that kind of cap hit based on a half season and one magical playoff run. Plus maybe Ian Schultz can punch Chris Neil nice and hard in a few years - if Neil's brain hasn't completely disintegrated by then.

Big Tits is Hot. I know, for obvious reasons, right? Haha. But like, another two goals? And that second goal was like, almost as hot as me, you know?

Pangers says what's even hotter is that, okay now I don't want to jinx him. He got the 'Panger Push'* last week and I won't overdo it. Go Big Tits!

 (*Like the "Colbert Bump" - but obviously shorter, balder, less clever or slightly less rich - and somehow, more gay.)

Josh Georges is Hot. Like, who knew a little Toby-Maguire looking kid from a place called Kelowna - seriously - could be so freakin' hot? I think that's in Europe because I think my Daddy owns a house there. I love European guys.

Panger says what's even hotter is that we know where Hamr's cap money is going next year. If Captain Craig Rivet is worth 3.5 Mill and turnover-machine Traitor Mike Komisarek is worth 4.5, what is Georges going to get? Especially now that in addition to being a member of the shut-down pair and a mainstay on the penalty-kill, he's looking pretty decent on the second PP wave. Now if he can manage to avoid getting smoked every game...speaking of which, Chris Neil is single-handedly making a mockery of the NHL's head-shot elimination initiative. And that was just on one shift. Fuck I hate that guy (since he's on another team.)

And as a super-bonus, I'm gonna, like, tell you know who's not hot on the Senators? Alexei Kovalev. Even I won't sleep with him right now. Cold hands - and so selfish.

Panger says what's even hotter is hahahahahahaha. And Gionta's our captain now. Hahahahahaha.

Comments, like, anyone? You know, right?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Habs need some sort of new PP strategy - Sens preview and open thread

Look, we're not saying the Habs PP is bad. We're saying it's fucking TERRIBLE. Look at the stats. A grand total of ONE goal in 20 chances for a 5% success rate. 0 for 11 at the Bell. Miraculously, we're only 29th, not 30th, in the league. But it's not just the numbers. The boys look totally lost out there. They can barely get set up, and when they do, maybe they manage to get a shot from the point, it goes wide, and the other team clears it. Thrilling! Habs need drastic action, and they need it now.

While we often (justifiably) laugh at Count Chokula, we realize he's not a (complete) idiot and no doubt the PP would have been at the top of his list of things to work on at practice yesterday. Then on-ice practice was canceled when the lights went out in Brossard. So you'd think the Habs would be fucked. Fear not, for FHF has come up with some suggestions to help out the PP, at no charge:
  • Play 5 defensemen. They always say if the PP is struggling put a forward at the point, but I say go the opposite way. Put Hal Gill in front of the net. Let PFK play with the puck down low. Captain Picard has as many goals as Gio or The Mexican, might as well use him. Fucking Josh Gorges has our only PP goal this year, let him loose!
  • Get some CHicks in front of the net. If there is one thing Montreal has in abundance, it's hot chicks. Let's use them to our advantage. If you think Sean Avery waving a stick in a goalie's face is distracting, could you imagine the ass of some of Chez Paree's top talent? 
  • Rush only four skaters. Keep one guy back in our own zone in case of a SH chance. This will free up space in the offensive zone;
  • Get those ghosts working for us. Hire a medium to stand behind the bench and call up the ghost of Howie Morenz when the Habs go on the PP. Even if he counts as one of the five skaters, he can't score any fewer goals than CHicken;
  • The players get nervous at the Bell because they know the fans will get on them when the PP sucks, so get rid of the fans. When the PA announces the penalty, he should also say "and we ask you all to leave your seats to go get a beer." Playing to an empty arena will allow the players and the CHick in front of the net to concentrate and get the job done.
With these suggestions, I'm confident we can turn the PP around. Let's set this baby up.

Pregame Points - 7 PM in Kanata. On CBC for viewers in Quebec and Ottawa. Habs had that nice comeback win against the Sens just last week, but are now coming off that mess against Fat Marty. After just a disastrous start to the season, Sens came up with a 4-2 win over the Sabres last night, led by Alfie's hat trick and his thousandth point.

Perfect Prose - It's too bad the Sens had a good game last night, because SLC was on the verge of an epic meltdown that would have been bad for his health, but hysterical for his readers.

Powerful Players - For the Sens, the aforementioned Captain, and Gonchar may be starting to turn it around. For the Habs, uh, Big Tits I guess might still be considered hot.

Neither powerful nor players - CHicken, CHicken, CHicken. He's so bad we may soon remove the CH from his name. Giant Mexican need to report for the start of the season, though I guess their rotating wing is not helping. For the Sens, Kovy is goalless and leads his team on the minus side of the +/- ledger, leading to his GM calling him out. Good luck with that strategy, Bryan.

People in Pain - Still no Vodkov, the soon-to-be anchor of our 5-D PP strategy. For the Sens, Spezz sat out last night and Pascal Leclaire remains out, both with a groin injury.

Postgame Penis enlargers - As it is Hockey Fights Cancer Awareness Night in Ottawa for the game, we think it's in poor taste to present adult entertainment. Fortunately, Coed Magazine has no such scruples and presents the Top 60 Breasts in Support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Let's hear your suggestions for the PP in the comments

Friday, October 22, 2010

Let me Grab a Chair Here While I Wait For Someone to Shoot a Puck On Me: PART II

Thanks and goodnight.

Let me Grab a Chair Here While I Wait For Someone to Shoot a Puck On Me

I swear I saw him do this last night

I really don't want to do this. Not that I don't like FHF readers. I do. I like em a lot and I aim to please but what is there to say about a game I didn't  hardly watched.

We have some problems with that first line...

Yes, Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta and the Third Wheel that comes attached have as much rhythm as I did when my wife and I took salsa lessons many years back. My paralysis of the hips must be induced by Latino beats.

It kinda goes like this.

Dancing, dancing, ... Billie Jean is....twirling around, 90s running man, That girl is Poysooonn!....totally feeling it....IT'S MY PRE-RO-GA-TIIIIVE!..woooo!!! ....Ay, la vida es un carnaval... falls to the floor convulsing.

Now I'm sure Gomez can bust the shit out of the Macarena but I'm not seeing his end to end wizardry as much - and that's what matters to me.

Gio, you're going to get a bit more rope from me because you're not earning the 24 million dollars a shift your linemate is and you're my captain. I can't question your wisdom. For all I know, this comatose start may have been part of your sadistic plan to begin with.

Marty I told you you're not welcome here anymore

A couple of years ago, it appeared the tide had started to turn in the Habs' favour. We beat the Devils on the road a couple of times. Nicked them in Montreal... it looked as if the Brodeur stigma were fading. Not sure about that anymore. He ties the all-time wins record in Montreal, beats the Habs late last year in an important season ending stretch and grabs a shutout last night as if he were picking a grape off the vine.

Cammy, Cammy, It's Time to Get Out of Bed Sir

All that holiday food still feeling heavy there buddy? It's the sabbath today. Ask the Lord for help and he shall pour the nectar of prolific scoring into your soul. Or get off your ass and get to work.

Crap, this is making me upset.

I can't go on. I'm aggravated. Actually, no I'm busy as hell, watched 11 minutes of the game because I made my wife rosemary lemon chicken and refuse to play this game of deceit any longer. You, the FHF reader, deserve better.

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, October 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Adriana Lima's $2 million chest...
  • Well that was a typical Jersey game, i.e. a disaster. NJ get an early crappy goal, clutch and grab and trap their way to another Brodeur shutout. The stats say the Habs had 29 shots, but we don't  believe it. More later today, if the reviewer managed to stay awake during the game;
  • Leafs lose their first in regulation, 2-1 to the Rangers, and people are starting to question the Leafs' offense. We're in no position to make jokes right now;
  • With Boston beating the Caps 4-1, the Northeast standings should soon sort themselves out;
  • Pens beat the Preds 4-3 in OT;
  • So the Islanders are good now? Beat the Bolts in OT and sit atop the Atlantic Division? Really?
  • The Flower signs a long-term deal to be a critic ambassador for the Habs;
  • TSN signs a deal to provide Habs regional coverage, 24 McSplooge-free games for this year and 30 a year for two more years. The article says TSN has secured carriage space on Bell for the game Monday. So Videotron users (basically everyone in Quebec) can apparently go fuck themeselves.
Meh. Sexy Friday has a bitter taste this morning. If you want to try washing the meh out of your mouth, enjoy this video of sexy Russian spy Anna Chapman in Russian Maxim. It takes a while to load on their Russian servers, but it's worth waiting for.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Kinda Sorta Instant Karma's Gonna Get Lou: Devils Preview and Open Thread

Yeah, I'm as disturbed by this image as you are.

Listen, it's no secret we think Lou Lamareillo is evil.  Hell, just last week Panger pointed out that Lou fires coaches at weird times and takes all the credit.  He foisted the hockey world's most soul-destroying style on the NHL and inspired so many copycat teams the league actually had to change the rules to make hockey interesting again.  He convinced an arbitrator to gut St. Louis by handing him Scott Fucking Stevens for a wet-behind-the-ears Brendan Shanahan (even in their respective primes, you're FUCKING CRAZY if you trade Stevens for Shanahan straight up).  He hid long term injured players in the minors to avoid cap problems.  He looked the other way when noted headhunter Stevens played heat-seeking missile with people's skulls.  He never condemned Cam Janssen for nearly murdering Tomas Kaberle.  Did I mention he sucked the life out of the NHL with "Devils hockey", which consisted of Martin Brodeur, Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski at the back, Elias and Sykora up front and 15 nameless, faceless backchecking drones who bored their way to three Cups? 

Well, look what's happening now.  After Lou went all in at the trade deadline last year for Ilya Kovalchuk, who might be the runaway winner in a "Name the Least New Jersey Devil-Like Forward in the NHL", the Devils are finally getting their karmic due.  We hope.  Kovalchuk was a point-per-game player in 27 regular season games with New Jersey, and had another 6 points in 5 playoff games.  But he never gelled with his linemates and the whole team looked disjointed and out of synch in the 4-1 playoff loss to the Flyers.  This summer, Lou came up with a contract so outlandish that even the idiots in the NHL head offices couldn't look past it.  It cost the Devils $3 million dollars, a 3rd round pick and a future 1st round pick.  The Devils then turned around and signed Kovalchuk to a 15 year, $100 million dollar deal that has hamstrung their payroll so badly they played with 15 skaters due to injuries and suspensions.  The Devils cap situation is so bad they couldn't bring anyone up from the farm.  Tee hee hee.  Now, with Kovalchuk still a square peg in a round hole, Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski long gone, Martin Brodeur suddenly showing his age and the effects of 35 years of cheesburgers for breakfast, and no cap room, the Devils are struggling.  Watch them blow the Habs out of the water tonight just to piss me off. 

The details: Tonight, live from the Bell Centre at 7:30.  On the RDS and the free til October24 for Bell Expressvu subscribers Centre Ice.  Habs 3-1-1 coming off win versus Ottawa on Saturday, Devils in (hopefully) karmic free-fall at 1-4-1. 

Men at opposite ends of the rink and yin-yang spectrum:  TFS looking at his sixth straight start in Operation Make People Forget Jaro.  Big fat cheated on his wife with her sister Marty Brodeur is finally looking mortal but has a career record versus Montreal of eleventy billion wins, two losses and a goals against of minus 6.01. 

Hot like the girls of Montreal: Well, Big Tits might not qualify as "hot" per se, but we'll take this version of Andre all season.  Cammy and Pleks will also lead the way.  Josh Gorges is making like some sort of Guy Lapointe redux, scoring on one end and keeping everything safe on the other.  For the Devils, nobody looks really hot, but Kovalchuk, Parise and Elias can and will beat you given half a chance. 

Cold like the crackhouses of Newark: Big Fat Marty has a save percentage of 887.  That's also the current calorie count on his breakfast sandwich.  Old warhorses Jamie Langenbrunner, Jason Arnott and Dainus Zubrus are a combined -18 with 8 points.  For the Habs, Travis Moen wasn't the answer to jumpstarting the Giant Mexican line, so now Gionta and Gomez get Tommy Pyatt.  Giant Mexican Pie for everyone!  PK seems to be getting some flak for trying to do too much.  Jaro 2.0 looks abysmal.  We're leaving pointless Lars Eller out of here for now because he certainly looks like he'll break out.  Soon.  We think. 

Busted up like the Beatles after Yoko: For the Habs, still Markov.  For the Devils, uber-shotblocker Anton Volchenkov blocked something with his face, so he's out with a broken nose.  Fellow defenders Anssi Salmela, Mark Fraser, and Bryce Salvador out after knee surgery, hand surgery, and a concussion respectively.  Noted Habs killer Brian Rolston has a hernia that needs fixin. 

Read stuff about Lou and the rest of the Devils here, if you're a masochistic weirdo: In Lou We Trust (trust to what?  Bore you to death?  Stab you in the back and take all the credit?  Make your beloved team the bane of good hockey's existance?)

Fun facts you might not know: Current Canadiens captain Brian Gionta holds the Devils single-season records for goals and power play goals in a season.  Gomez is the highest scoring rookie in Devils history.  Marty Brodeur just ate your lunch while you weren't looking.  Former Devil and Canadien Big Bad Voodoo Vlady Malakhov was technically not a zombie; he just played that way. 

Got your own reasons Lou Lamareillo is evil?  Let us know in the comments.

The Game Day Skate mourns the loss of one of the greatest pornographers of our time for Thursday, October 21

Oh hello there, and welcome to this special, mournful Game Day Skate. We hadn't even planned to write TMS this morning, as HF10 will be along with a Devils preview pretty soon. There's nothing happening anyway (OK, Steve Bégin found a job, and there were some games). But as we awoke this morning, we heard the news that Bob Guccione, founder of Penthouse (NSFW) has died from cancer at the age of 79. As the official chronicler of sex and hockey on the internets, we felt a moving tribute was necessary. Sexy Friday is a day early.

You kids today and all your free internet porn don't know how good you have it. When I was a wee lad, there were essentially two forms of pornography available, Playboy and Penthouse. And as any adolescent male from that era could tell you, Penthouse was WAY better. For, uh, anatomical reasons. So to the man who pointed my 12 year-old self toward the clitoris, we wish you Godspeed. You indeed belong in heaven.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Morning Skate is shoving a fan on his way to the dressing room for Wednesday, October 20th

The GG11 campaign to bring Souray back to Montreal begins now
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going up 3-1 on the Evil Empire...
  • Those of you who dreamed of Markov coming back this week can forget it;
  • Here's a story about the Habs line-juggling at practice yesterday. Ahh, for the stability of the Carbo years...
  • Things got a little crazy in Minnesota during the Wild's 6-2 win over the 'Nucks. Besides Luongo being terrible, Vancouver's Rick Rypien shoved both an official and a fan on his way to the dressing room after a second period on-ice skirmish;
  • The Bs have survived their season-opening road trip quite admirably (ugh I feel dirty) ending it 3-1 after ending the Caps winning streak with a 3-1 win;
  • Kipper and the Flames blank the Preds 1-0 in OT.
Here's Rypien's fan-shoving video so you can play NHL Wheel of Justice, the home game.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Midnight Skate for Tuesday, October 19

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the CFL East Division...
  • Laffs finally lose a game, though it was in OT so they got a point. But it was to the Isles, so that's something. A bunch of supposedly controversial calls went against the Leaf, but if you think we are sympathetic in any way, well, you don't know us;
  • The Dominictrix had 2 goals in the Bolts win over the Stars;
  • Pens over the Sens 5-2 in Gonchar's return to Pitt;
  • The NHL Wheel of Justice is not a fan of those newly-illegal blindside hits. Veteran captain Shane Doan gets 3 games for a hit that didn't draw a penalty or injure the recipient. Message received, NHL! Here's the vid for you to form your own opinion;
  • Boone using the FHF "CH" meme (© moeman) in the headline of a post announcing how great Habs I/O is is both ridiculously ironic and making us angrier than, um, a yak in heat. Lawyers, assemble!
  • If you like hockey and scotCH (© moeman), you need to become friends with Moey;
  • For those of you missing True Blood, or for those of you who like porn (so everyone), Wrap Around Curl has written a recap of "Tru: A XXX Parody" over at TBH. Somehow she made it SFW;
  • While we're pimping FHFers' other blogs, if you haven't yet you should check out GG11's Women on the Ledge for her irreverent take on family life. If you only like us for hockey, her letter to hockey parents is nice and rant-y and there's even some excellent Big Tits Photoshop outtakes.
No game 'til Thursday. But we want one NOW!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Oh Big Tits, It's Nice to See you Again. Habs 4, Sens 3

We're lucky to have such a talented artist as GG11 here at FHF. Sometimes I can't believe she puts up with our adolescent requests. Like: "The boobs need to be bigger!!!"

Oh Habs, you had me going there for a while. What with losing the last 8 of 9 to those pesky Senators, including 5 of 6 just last year.  And having apparently played a "perfect game" the night before (although calling any non-shutout game 'perfect' is an insult to the entire goaltenders' union), you had an excuse for a let down. I admit it, after Mic-A-lick walked around the-Jaro-everyone-now-wishes-Goat-had-traded-in-the-offseason, I thought that was it. It just seemed that despite the lopsided shot count, everything the Sens threw at the net seemed to find a way to hit the twine - and that is in no way a reflection of TFS(TM)'s play, who was solid when he needed to be, yet again.

Even after the fluke Halpern goal that started the comeback, I pointed out to Mrs. Panger that 2 of the last 4 goals scored were actually scored by the opponents. Um, not good.

And then Big Tits, who has been downright perky all season, decided to pull his second Ovie impression of the year off a beauty pass from Turtlepleks. And the whole team seemed to shake off the memories of having to visit Buffalo, and perked right up, too. Oh Big Tits, how we (I) missed you. You could have just sagged along without your Little brother, sulked in your silent-type of way, and generally left a gaping hole in the Canadiens top 6. But instead, it seems like you figured out how to work the toolbox, cause it's clear you always had the tools. (For you Leafs fans, what I mean is that it was all in his head.) 

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Yannick Bouchard (who looks really comfortable next to the bench - as opposed to on the ice; guess he's used to it) was absolutely right: instead of playing on the periphery like some kind of loosie-goosie pond hockey game (I wonder where you learned that from? **coughkovalevcough**), the Large Breasted One has been driving to the net hard, with and without the puck. To McSplooge what I'm saying: his compete level is high, he's engaged and, at times, Bit Tits has been Monster Tits. And lookie lookie, he's got a nice pair (of goals) in 5 games. Just hope he's really, truly figured out what it takes, and he's not just flashing us again - 'cause he really does have a very nice rack of talent.

[As an even greater aside, can someone please point me in the direction of the "FIRE MARIO TREMBLAY" website/facebook page/congregation of disgruntled postal workers? Please? Fucking fool. I still hate that boob. I keep dreaming about Alain Crete punching him righ in his stupid head, right out of nowhere.]

By no means does that mean I'm satisfied. Hamr, the-Jaro-everyone-now-wishes-Goat-had-traded-in-the-offseason, and - gasp - even Subbanator need to stop letting pucks skip off their sticks in the defensive zone, whether or not when they're under any particular forechecking pressure. Gio scored a goal, but the so-called "First Line" needs to start scoring like one. Squid needs to score against someone not wearing antarctic water fowl on his jersey. CHicken needs a goal to bounce in off his ass or something. So does Lars - but then again, look who's feeding him the puck, and he has had created some nice scoring chances to go with his Danish turnovers.

But the Double G's, Josh Georges and Hal Gill, look like they've picked up where they left off in the playoffs, and Georges even looks like he's figured out where they keep the other net used in most hockey games. Captain Picard even looked pretty good last night. TurtlePleks is actually more than earning that contract so far. Halpern, Boyd and the other roster filler has been solid. And one loss in 5 games is pretty darn good, anytime.

But you don't win without scoring goals, so again I say: Bit Tits, it's nice to see you again. I can honestly say I can never get enough of what you've got to show us.

Like run-on sentences and boobs as much as I do? Tell us about it in the comments.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

"I'll Pants! with You" ~ Senators Preview and Open Thread

Hey FHFers, its Saturday Night, are you ready to play? (sue me ceebeecee, I gots me a new posse)

From the city of gorgeous gals, your awakened 2-1-1 Montréal Canadiens take on Ontario's team, Les Sénateurs d'Ottaoutaouais. Soberly speaking (its early, only had one glass of wine), hope you are feeling better $enator Demers.

Speaking of excitement, Where's Auldoº vs. Elliot! Man there better be lotsa bOOze (no bOOs SVP, OK a few for Chris Neil) in da house. Speaking of houses, the one owned by renowned mega-Habs fan and Ottawa resident Liam Maguire (NO RELATION TO McSPLooGE!) should update his sites. --> ºScrap dat, the Price is right back where he fucking belongs.

Special shout out to long time Habs blogger Sweet Daddy Kane for his fucking fantastic shout out to the FHF blog;

"Four Habs Fans probably needs no introduction.
They’re just really funny and bright guys putting a
slightly vulgar and sexist slant to their fine and smart
hockey thoughts, and I  think they’re as creative as can be.
Nuns and priests might not be crazy about this site, though.
Or are they?"

SDK, that is some good shit. 'Slightly'? Also, no sexism at FHF cuz the tongues are always firmly planted in CHeeks or Tits, size 46.

Now back to tonight's activities where the combined ratings of RDS and CBC should unite our Glorious Nation on this coast2coast leafless fall evening. Oh, yeah, a song parody ...

Inspired by my run-in with The Goat in Montréal and a fun-in with some fab new FHFriends,
oh and Anglais Moderne.

"I'll Pants! with You" ~ À Jacques, de CHèvre

Moving forwards using all that depth
Trading Jaro cuz TFS™ was never second best
I saw the Habs world thrashing all around our BELL place
Follow me I'm going to les Danses-à- dix for some mesh and lace

I'll stop the world and Pants! with you
You've seen four games and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing FHFers won't do (for meth)
They'll stop the world and Pants! with you

(You should know better?)
Dream of better lines the kind which never fade
(You should see why)
We need the skates of Vodkov's powerplay grace
(You should know better?)
We made a pilgrimage to save this team's disgrace
(We made Crosby cry)
What I'm comprehending is a Cup since long gone bye
(It'll stop the world)

This is my fucking game day preview
(It'll crash blogger's world)

You've seen PFK's difference and he's getting better all the time
(Don't stop his whirl)
There's nothing Kwa-Pee-ten Gio won't do
(Those FrenCH lessons must make him hurl)
I'll stop the world and Pants! with you

Kirk Muller's future's open wide
(two minutes for looking so good)

(Let's stop the world)
I'll stop the world and Pants! with you
(Gleefully caustic world)
I've made some CHanges and it's getting better all the time
(Let's stop the world)
There's nothing the marketing team won't do
(Let's stop the world)
I'll stop the world and Cul-Lot! with you

Pascal LeClaire's 5-hole is open wide
(oh wait, he's hurt, again)

hmmm hmmm hmmm ice cream
hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm  free ice cream
hmmm hmmm hmmm cupcakes
hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm  creamy cupcakes

We'll stop HNIC's blue and white fascist world, CBC Fuck You!
(Let's stop bob cole's mangling of words)

Hey Mike, Carrie gives me underwood
(Let's stop the world)

Kovy, your mythic hair is no longer good
(Let's stop the world)
Look at BR's orange mane now thats a hood
(Let's stop the world)

Let's go to Vega$ and gamble a buck or two
(Let's stop the world)
I'll wear the mesh, you lace up in red, white and blue
(Let's stop the world)

G Y F H !

Just in Case You Forgot We Were A-hole Lawyers: Habs 2, Sabres 1

PLAINTIFF:                     Ryan Miller
DEFENDANTS:               Buffalo Sabres Hockey Club
HEARD BEFORE:            The Honourable N.H. Elfan


  • More goals from the Defendants, save for Mr. D. Roy who's done okay so far since he's on pace for 82 goals.
  • Despite my personal best efforts, including several highlight reel saves, the Defendants allowed a goal-challenged opponent to steal 2 points right here in Buffalo, in one of the most boring games I've ever witnessed.
  • Exhibit A: Video Tape, Buffalo Sabres v. Ottawa Senators, recorded 10/8/2010
  • Exhibit B: Video Tape, New Jersey Devils v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/13/2010
  • Exhibit C: Video Tape, Montreal Canadiens v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/15/2010
  • Two photos of the said Montreal Canadiens' players
  • Filed affidavit of Mr. R. Miller
  • Rule 1.0, "The Team that scores the most goals wins", NHL Official Rulebook 2010-2011
  • Section 3, "Don't score on your own goalie", (Unwritten) Goaltenders' Union Rules, 1893-1894 to present

Sworn on October 16, 2010, at Buffalo, New York

I, Ryan Miller, goaltender, of Buffalo, New York, swear and say that:
  1. I am the Plaintiff in this action, and as such have personal knowledge of the facts herein deposed to. I admit that sometimes it was hard to see the facts since I was standing on my head for most of the time at issue.
  2. Attached as Exhibit "A" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the Ottawa Senators. The court will note that I was sensational, but I admit the Defendants did take 36 shots and the other goalie was a pretty darn good, even if he's more fragile than a Faberge egg. I also admit that I only had to make 25 saves, and I could live with that - since I got a "W" that goes towards my bonus - and if the Defendants didn't increasingly suck from game to game I wouldn't be here.
  3. Attached as Exhibit "B" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the New Jersey Devils. The court will note that, again, I was awesome. I admit that the Devils have a decent goaltender - but a terrible defence and can't afford enough skaters. I also admit it's hard for any team, let alone an offensively challenged club like the Defendants, to score on a team with a coach who appears to be the living anglophone reincarnation of Jacques Lemaire - not to mention an apparently bat-shit crazy GM, who fires winning coaches, signs illegal contracts and looks like this.
  4. The real problem is attached as Exhibit "C". This game involved an opponent who was giving up an average of 36 shots a game and whose defencemen do more juggling with pucks at their own blueline than a starving European mime desperate for stupid American tourist's pocket change.
  5. Further, these opponents have what could charitably be described as an anemic offence. For goodness sake, they haven't scored a power play goal yet this season and 14 guys already have attempted to castrate Sean Avery while battling with him in the corner. Although I admit that at least one guy wanted to, um, "pleasure him" instead.
  6. Even further, two of the the opponent's top goal scorers apparently spent the off season chasing down tag team championship glory in the midget wrestling ring rather than train for the upcoming hockey season. Attached hereto as Exhibit "D" is a photo taken by the world renounded artist GG11 - I admit mostly because it's freaking hilarious:
  7. Even more further, the first goal scored by the opponents was actually scored by some bone-head named Chris Butler, a member of the Defendants (although I don't know why). At least that's what the name on the guy's jersey said. I admit I'm not sure, because, like Red Fischer, I don't talk to rookies.
  8. Even further than that, I'm make this application because the game was supposed to be interesting. Two tiny, fast teams who have forgotten thus far how to play any team defense was supposed to lead to a wide-open, scoring-chance-laden game on either end, a fun-to-watch hockey game. I thought it was hard to stay awake while I was on the ice - until I saw the replay on RDS. The only reason I managed to stay conscious throughout was thinking of ways to have Benoit Brunet and Mario Tremblay sentenced to death for murdering so many of my brain cells. I admit that Pierre Houde is a lovely man with a lovely voice, though. For the record, he deserved better, My Lord.
  9. More further still, the Defendants allowed a guy who scores as often as HFF33 (which, I can tell you, is not often at all) to score the first goal of his career the season, and generally made that goofy looking gentleman look like Paul Coffey.
  10. And furthest, there's Mr. Carey Price. I thought the guys playing goal in those other games were pretty good, but this guy is playing like he's got something to prove. He's becoming an out-right thief. The only reason the Tampa Bay police, led by Constable One-Timer Stamkos, caught him the other night was due to some tips by Messrs. P.K. Subban and J. Halpern. Those guys can be so helpful to the other team sometimes. Although I admit Mr. Subban is quick to lend a helping hand even after he makes a 'tip' like that, and Mr. Halpern is adept at taking pucks away from opponents during faceoffs.
  11. But I digress. Back to Mr. Price, the Rodney Dangerfield of the NHL. Like I said, he's a cat burglar, quick as one, thereby robbing the Defendants left and right last night, just like he has 3 times previously this season. I admit he hasn't been rewarded much for such thievery, but last night was an exception. At this time I'd like to enter another GG11 photo as Exhibit "E", taken late last night outside the old Auditorium - you know, in the nice part of town:
  12. I make this affidavit in support of some goal scoring, and for no inappropriate reasons.

    Friday, October 15, 2010

    Lars and the Real Gerbe: Sabres Preview and Open Thread

    Three games in and it's time to take stock of the season. The Habs are setting a blistering lose-one-win-one-lose-one-in-OT pace, Carey Price may stop 50,000 shots if Chocula's "system" gets any less effective, and Benoit Pouliot is the whipping boy to end all whipping boys. Now here comes Emo-kid Ryan Miller and the Sabres on a Friday night. Some things to cover before we get to the details:
    • I like this Lars Eller a lot. He's good. Is he Jaro in the playoffs last year good? No. But he might already be better than every forward on the team not named Cammy or Pleks. If TFS keeps playing the way he's playing and Eller continues to impress, Jaro needs to take St. Louis at least as far as he took the Habs last year for the Blues to win this trade. My totally uninformed opinion, of course.
    • Little Tits gone? Dustin "Justin" Boyd in? Big Tits suddenly playing, you know, hockey? Hell yes. I'd like to see what a Boyd/Eller/Moen third line did offensively. I think they'd destroy a lot of other thirds. Seriously. (That leaves a fourth line of Pyatt/Halpern/Mad Max. I can live with that). Three cheers for armchair depth chart engineering!
    • Oh please, please heal Andrei Markov quickly. Hamr's return made a difference to Ryno. Markov back would make a huge difference to EVERYBODY.
    • I never liked the Sabres, with their stupid Buffalo logo and their whining about Brett Hull's skate and fucking Danny Gare and the French Connection and Don Edwards and Bob Sauve and goddamn Rick Jeanneret's annoying "Lalalala-la-fon-taaaaaaiiinnne!" I probably should have made a 10 Things I Hate About" list for these bastards but when you get a chance to reference Ryan Gosling dating a mannequin you do it.  
    The Real Important Stuff: Tonight, at the HSBC Arena in beautiful downtown Buffalo. 7:30 start. Tickets still freaking available! For directions, head across the border, drive til you see the fires in Tonawanda, turn left. As always, on the RDS. Still getting the free Centre Ice preview? It'll be there too, but you'll probably get goddamn Rick Jeanneret screaming at the top of his lungs for 60 minutes. Still better than Bob Cole. Habs lost in annoyingly typical fashion Wednesday and are 1-1-1, Sabres shut-out by Martin Brodeur same night and are 1-2-1.

    Really, really watch these guys: Diving crybaby Derek Roy leads Sabres in points. Giant beanpole Tyler Myers won the Calder last year and is still really giant. Little Nathan Gerbe is so tiny Brian Gionta derisively calls him "Stretch". Emo-kid Ryan Miller remains one of the best goalies on the planet despite only weighing 97 pounds. For the Habs, Cammy is on pace for 81 goals and 121 points (too bad he missed that game due to suspension). Big Tits is playing like a fog has lifted [insert your own fuck Sergei thoughts here]. Pleks good. Price excellent but unlucky. Lars Eller my new favourite Dane, replacing Hamlet.

    Really? Really?: Chicken demoted to fourth line in practice. Ryno demoted to press box for some reason. PK has apparently already found out Chocula doesn't like offense or unplanned excursions with the puck, now relegated to covering Alex Picard. Gomez still seems to be a whole lot of show and not much production (sigh). The powerplay is fucking terrible. For les Sabres, the aformentioned Tyler Myers is minus 6. Thomas Vanek is pointless and minus 4, making Buffalo management hate Kevin Lowe's offer sheet even more. Hey, did you know the Sabres signed Rob Niedermayer? Me neither. Niedermayer's teammates might also be unaware since the defensive specialist is pointless and minus 4 too.

    Really hurting: You knew Markov was hurt. It's kinda obvious, really. Sabres Jason Pominville got blindsided versus Chicago and is out indefinitely with a concussion. Shaone Morrisonn pulled his groinal area versus the Devils and will be gingerly sitting this one out. (His name is also terribly mispelled. Was his Dad drunk when he filled out the birth certificate?) Derek Roy may or may not have an ouchy from his latest mani-pedi. Stupid crybaby sissy.

    Really good place to learn more about your beloved Buffalo Sabres: Contender for best blog name ever Die By the Blade

    Really good entertainment to be had: In lots of places, but The Blue Monk is Buffalo's newest beer heaven. Rumour has it their kitchen isn't open yet, but if you step outside and throw a rock you'll find a wing place, so there's that.

    Got some opinions about Lars?  Real Girls?  The underrated performance of Ryan Gosling as Sean Hanlon on Breaker High?  Let us know in the comments.

    Silent Treatment Ends At 2 AM: Bolts 4 - Habs 3 (OT)

    That's how fast our leads evaporated last night. How quickly the 3-2 turned into a 4-3.

    I'm very upset. I don't even feel like talking but the silent treatment is punishing. It's very passive aggressive, this I know. It's so much easier to say I'm so angry with you as opposed to saying Habs, you hurt me.

    Don't talk to me about the refs. Don't tell me about the non calls. That won't make things better. I want to know why the Habs were compelled to wet the bed in Jamaican speed fashion.

    Was team chemistry crushed by the team captain's total flubbing of Max Lapirerre's name?

    Eh le numro karanté, Max Laperriere....

    Le numro trentaoun Parey Crice...

    Le numro ven deu sixkatrois, Josh Jordan.

    Le numro ounz, Scott Aguilera de la Maria da Souza de l'Asuncion!

    Ay Papi.

    Bravo to Carey who showed Usainly quick reflexes against the Bolts. More Halakian saves were made. Applause was offered.

    The refs, sponsored by MIRA again, made mistakes. Boos were heard. Bottles were thrown.

    Usain that the Habs were up 2-0 early and 3-2 very late and still lost? Yes that's what I'm sayin. Were the Habs ineffective in stopping the Bolts from crashing Carey's crease? Why yes, yes they were.

    Did PK put up a stinker? Jamaican me crazy with those end to end rushes, PK. Calm down little guy, you don't need to do it all.

    Too many penalties against a potent power play? Thanks for bringing that up.

    Now let's play the Lightning round of word association.

    Stamkos - lethal.

    Lecavalier - fading.

    Gagné - invisible.

    St-Louis - inspiring.

    Downie - undermyskin

    Boucher - why must Jacques Martin exist? Lotsa words associating there, sorry.

    Pleks - thank you for staying in the shit storm this city can be and playing your pants off after signing a lucrative contract. What?! I make up the rules.

    Usain - I try to be

    Thursday, October 14, 2010

    The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 14th

    Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting rescued form a Chilean mine...
    • Well that was... unpleasant? Disappointing? Frustrating? All of the above? Habs lose the home opener 4-3 in overtime. TFS was great, he deserved better. Fans throwing stuff on the ice in response to refereeing has inspired the TSN Sportscentre Top 10 this morning, but really, the Habs were outplayed for a lot of this game. They were a disaster in the defensive zone, and were undisciplined. Not to mention attempting to nurse a 2-goal lead for 40 minutes, which is dumb. More later today;
    • To make you feel worse, the Leafs are now 3-0 after denying the Pens their first win;
    • The Devils were up to 16 skaters last night, but when you've got Marty Brodeur that is often enough as he shut out the Sabres 1-0;
    • Ryan Getzlaf gets four points in the Ducks first win of the season, 4-3 over the 'Nucks.
    Sigh. Anyway, the real highlight of the game was the Habs circlejerk of introductions:

    Wednesday, October 13, 2010

    Ahhh, what could have been - Lightning preview and open thread

    Imagine the season opener in an alternative universe where things worked out a little differently. During an 8-game losing streak last March, the Habs sack Count Chokula and the Goat, immediately promoting Guy Boucher to the big club. His free-wheeling style turns the Habs around, and led by Price (thanks to Boucher's skills at communicating with young players), they go all the way to the Conference Finals. During the playoffs, the Molsons have secret backroom dealings with the most promising young GM around, one Stevie Yzerman, and sign him to a 3-year deal after he promises to become bilingual by 2015. In the off-season, Scott Gomez has his right hand mangled in an accident with a Cuisinart while preparing fajitas for a dinner party, losing his ability to grip a stick. His retirement frees up the cap space to swing a Vinny trade, re-sign Dominic Moore and sign backup goalie Dan Ellis after the Little Tits trade. They face the sad sack Lightning in their home opener with semi-nude starlets sitting in the stands. Habs win 6-1, and Tampa tumbles to the bottom of the league by November before they are relocated to Houston prior to the 2011-2012 season.

    Woulda, coulda, shoulda happened. Alas, Stevie Y and Guy are working their magic down South, and the Tampa Habs are dangerous and predicted by most to make the playoffs. Welcome to the Habs home opener, in our universe.

    Details, details - 7:30 P.M. start at the Bell, though I'm guessing actual puck drop around 8. Lightning won their season opener and the Habs are 1-1, in case you can't keep track of two games so far.

    'stie calice - Vinny, Marty, now Simon Gagné and Guy Boucher. Think there will be motivation pour eux autres? J'ai peur.

    Early season stats may or may not be misleading - Habs PK 100%, Habs PP 0%. Wherefore art thou Markov?

    Please Hamr, hurt 'em - Hamr makes his return to the lineup, shoving Alex Picard to the pressbox. Allegedly he will be playing with Rhino though, not SpatCHes. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

    It's a mitzvah - Your Habs goal-scoring leader is Squid, your points leader is Jeff Halpern. Mazel Tov to all!

    Pre-game reading - Raw Charge is probably the leading Lightning blog, for whatever that's worth.

    Post-game entertainment and adult entertainment - as the game draws to a close, don't forget to vote for the 3 stars, a new task assigned to YOU, the Habs fan this year. Take that task seriously! Vote for the backup goalie who cheered on his team admirably. After you've finished that, sit back and enjoy this video of Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive for 2010, Minka Kelly. I have no idea why I'm posting this, except I feel it's our duty at FHF to chronicle these very important awards that affect us all.