Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 7: Glorious Leader Georges Laraque

Hockey is but the first step on the journey to greatness.

- Aristotle

Overview: Georges Laraque went to Collège Jean-de-Brébeuf. So did I. At the time, he was an offensive powerhouse. He had mad hockey skills and he went to an elite French school. So naturally only great things awaited. I am fortunate to have seen genius as it was happening.

We all knew then that he was blazing a unique trail that would eventually lead him to 2 prized destinations.

1. Offensive superstar in the NHL

2. Prime Minister of an independent and sovereign Quebec

As a teenager, Georges was hard at work engulfing the knowledge impressed on him by a superior Québécois elite schooling system that was paved by the Jesuits, all the while learning from the greatest hockey teachers the province had to offer. The Brébeuf gymnasium walls and its adjacent arena are covered with evidence of glory from years past.

Brébeuf, the womb of Quebec’s greatest human beings crafted the glorious leader that Georges would become in so many facets of society.

As a student, his assiduous studying methods made him a star pupil, achieving great fame and receiving much envied adulation in the academic ranks in chemistry, biology, home economics, mathematics and History.

His talent spilled over to other areas that saw young Georges take decisive steps on a fateful march. He took on Lacrosse and field hockey and received immediate fame.

As the dutiful son that he is, Georges won many trophies and followed in his father's footsteps, Papa Laraque, seen below, also a brilliant field hockey player in his day.

He captained Brébeuf’s broom ball team, 2 days after having touched a broom for the very first time.

Legend has a young Georges insisting on sweeping every floor in the house before vacuuming for better hygienic efficiency, the noble efforts stunted by a foreseeing mother who is said to have responded: "No, my son, these hands will not broom, they will not sweep. They will score goals, and lift Cups and bang size 16 shoes on United Nations General Assembly podiums".

Georges then went on to become to become a world class chess player beating Gary Kasparov and Deep Blue in the first ever World Champioship Chess Threesome. He was the best chess master Brébeuf has ever crafted. He found Bobby Fisher hiding out in a basement in Lithuania.

Georges didn't stop there. He soon won many prizes as a champion polo player.

After his horse Roxette was felled by an errant mallet in the quarter finals of the World Polo Championship, he lobbied the Federation of International Polo for better treatment of horses, and a crackdown on clutching and grabbing horse balls. It was this awakening and sensitivity to the plight of everything animal that led Georges to adopt a strictly vegan lifestyle.

His time in Edmonton and Phoenix as an instrumental cog on wonderfully talented teams has been well documented. No need to elaborate further.

Today he skates for the blessed Montreal Canadiens, where his genius is overlooked, toiling on the fourth line when he should be playing at least 24 minutes a game on the first, where he should be skating every second of every power play, and playing goal when Carey Price is tired and ragged.

The team could have let Georges' genius run wild. Let the painter paint with the mad strokes of an embattled artist. But no, they fail to recognize the cut-his-ear-off talent that pours out of Georges' mind.

Hockey? An afterthought in the grander scheme of Georges’ life. Change, meaningful contribution to society, that’s what this strong mind was put on this earth for. Georges can fix the ozone layer with his thoughts. He can pour billions into the coffers of our treasury with the proceeds from EA Hockey NHL 11 on which his gorgeous face will surely be destined to appear.

Georges will lead Quebec to its rightful place amongst nations, an independent and sovereign Quebec, free to choose for the good of its citizens. He will call the referendum that will free us from our colonial shackles and, should we lose the next time around, he will address the crowd with teary eyes:

“Si je vous ai bien compris, vous êtes en train de me dire, à la prochaine fois. Mais il n’y aura pas de prochaine fois parce que je vais vous casser la gueule. Vous comprenez? Tous ceux qui avez voté NON, je vais vous casser la gueule. To be sure you understand you anglo crackers, I’m going to beat your asses until you get me this country on a platter – so tomorrow we go back to the poles and you better vote right if you know what’s good for you. God Bless Quebec, Vive le Québec libre, Vive Nacho Libre. ”

Pure Laine Glorious Leader: Georges Laraque

Nom: Georges Laraque

Lieu de naissance: Montréal, Québec – Chez Nous

Strengths: First Prime Minister of a sovereign Quebec. Minister of Pain on the Montreal Canadiens. The softest hands in the NHL. Equally soft kisses. Skates like a floating antelope. Can knock you down with his eyelash. Showed what his true contribution to the team can be during the 2009 playoffs against Boston when he was promoted to the first line – memorizing every advertisement in both rinks after having spent the entire series with the puck on the boards.

Weaknesses: Too gentlemanly to be a pugilist, which of course emphasizes his more natural but misunderstood abilities as a perennial Lady Byng winning offensive mammoth. Only scored 94% in Latin in Sec IV, well below his average of 104%. Appears injured most of the time, yet this is silent protest coming from a classy player who refuses to play the role of a thug when he truly belongs on the power play and in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Should be traded for: An answer to that question will be met with a mandatory 2-week all-inclusive getaway in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview - END SCENE.

Little Tits Prefers Gangsters in Other Cities

So what's worse, potentially losing an instrumental player in Montreal's organized crime activity or losing one of the better nicknames on this blog?

Cause the great thing is that Little Tits has asked that his lazy, prima donna, ribeiro-fan-club loving ass be shipped out of town. Here's to hoping they serve good breast milk wherever he ends up.


Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Rogers dickheads screwing you over at a Jays game...
  • Habs make their final cuts before the season. No surprises really - Maxwell, Pyatt, Weber, Carle, and the Sandman. That leaves the requisite 23 players, with Chips going to Toronto for the opener, but injured;
  • Will JM name a captain today? La Presse's François Gagnon says yes and it will be Gionta. TSN files a totally uselessly piece on the subject;
  • Our old friend Gang Bang Lang has found a home in Phoenix. Well, as much as Phoneix can be considered a home until everyone there moves;
  • The ZSC Lions beat the Chicago Blackhawks to win the Victoria Cup in Zurich. We don't understand that sentence either.
So the now legendary (in our minds at least) Bertrand Raymond series comes to an end today. So sad. To cheer you up, here's our next TMS opening week hot chicks 'n booze video. It's actually the subject of the last Pure Laine preview, BGL, along with some babes shaking their babe parts and playing street hockey all while pimping some new energy drink booze beverage. Mmm, drunken street hockey. Some of you may have already seen this following a Habs I/O link, but those MSM pussies wouldn't embed it, so we'll do the dirty work. You're welcome.

Lap dance to reader Mark for the nightmare link

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview! Part 6!! Pure Laine Glorious Leader Guillaume Latendresse!!!

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Overview: The Canadiens are not only The Greatest Franchise in history because they are based in Quebec, but because many of their best players are from Quebec. So it goes without saying that they have a long history of great French Canadien players, and specifically wingers (although I, Bertrand Raymond, like to remind everyone of that as often as possible). From Aurele Joliat to Rocket Richard and then the Flower, Montreal's dynasties have always had a sniper who could converse in the language of the Renaissance. A player who could not only score clutch goals with ease, but would lift the fans out of their seats in so doing. Which brings us to the latest torch-bearer:

Pure Laine Glorious Leader Guillaume Latendresse

Nom: Guillaume Latendresse aka Tenderness aka Gui!

Lieu de naissance: Ste-Cathereine, Quebec!

Strengths: Skating and physical play in front of the net! He's Tomas Holmstrom and Marty St Louis rolled up into one!! Unfortunately, the Habs failed to allow him to properly develop, unfairly forcing him to play an extra year of junior hockey when he clearly should have been delighting his fans in the NHL!!! So what if he could have played in the WJC and won a gold medal during his rookie campaign of '06-07! Settling into the NHL with a plus/minus of -20 just proved what horrible line mates his coaches saddled him with - until Glorious Leader Maxim came along, of course!!! Since then the Pur Laine Glorious 2-Man Line has been the Habs' best!! Gui! and Max! have persevered despite being weighed down last year by that ethnic-with-money pig-dog Tom Kostopolous - only to be replaced this year with an even worse ethnic-with-money in the out-of-shape form of Matt D'Agostini!!! Plus Gui! has a body that Adonis would be jealous of (and lets put to rest those "Bertrand Raymond stares longingly at Gui! in the shower" rumours: they are only kinda sorta true, and only if you take things out of context)!

Weaknesses: Sadly, there is only one Gui! Some believe there is small patch of skin behind his heal that might be vulnerable - but that is only a myth!! Also distracts teammates (and the media) with his georgeous body!! You could grate cheese on those abs! Mmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tommorrow, Part 7*: Pure Laine Superstar Georges Laraque
(Ed.: Lap dance to Chester for paying attention to things like what part of a series we're actually writing! God knows we don't!!)

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of stupid fucking Jake Delhomme throwing stupid fucking interceptions and robbing you of a victory in your weekly football pool. Uh, not that that happened to TMS or anything...
  • So maybe one of the reasons Little Tits was sent down was that he missed the bus to Quebec City last week. Oy. Did he not learn anything about missing team transport from Grabs?
  • Stories of love and bonding from Teen Ranch;
  • In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, here's the lowdown on the lines and D pairings. Max Pack on the 1st line. TMS likes Max Pack, but that's a joke, right?
  • Theo Fleury says goodbye. Small guy, big heart, bigger liver, yada yada;
  • Panthers lose to Finland's sixth-best team. Write your own joke.
OK so we've got more Bertrand for you coming later today. To get you fired up for the opener which is THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, we thought we'd spice up TMS for the rest of the week with what makes all opening games special - random videos of chicks and booze. Enjoy.

Lap dance to Stevey

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview, Part 5: Pur Laine Glorious Leader Maxim Lapierre

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!Today, it's Part 5: Pure Laine Glorious Leader Maxim Lapierre

Overview: According to reports from reliable Pure Laine sources, last year's edition of Les Canadiens was a dressing room of cliques, a team imploding from the inside due to rudderless, grim, unworthy leadership cabal that compounded all the team's problems with it's stoic and pig-headed refusal to embrace the language of the dressing room and the people. Among the only bright spots was the fiery emergence of a true, Pure Laine heir to the role made famous by Bouchard, Rocket, Beliveau, Pocket Rocket, Cournoyer, Savard, Turgeon, et Damphousse: Maxim Lapierre, the true Captain of Les Canadiens.

Pure Laine Glorious Leader: Maxim Lapierre

Nom: Maxim Lapierre

Lieu de naissance: Saint-Leonard, Quebec

Strengths: Forged in the fires of Saint-Leonard, educated in the proving grounds of Cap-de-la-Madeleine and the Montreal Rocket, Lapierre is a Pure Laine warrior from the brave East-End of Montreal. A natural leader of men who inspires all Quebecois in their chosen walk of life, he is the divinely-chosen successor to great Canadiens captains past, a Tricolour Sun King destined to lead the Canadiens back to their rightful place as hockey's premier franchise. A life-long fan of Les Habitants, he reads The Hockey Sweater each night before bed and truly gets what it means to be a member of the team. He is a good Francophone and prays to Dieu, Mary Reine du Monde and Aurel Joliat for strength in battle against nefarious Maudits Anglais and their sympathizers. Although he is continually misused in a defensive role in favour of inferior, heartless Maudit Anglais and Communists, he has a goal-scorers touch and excellent vision like all Pure Laine players. He has good size, a willingness to battle in traffic and has a budding rivalry with overrated Maudit Anglais NHL poster boy Sidney Crosby, who had to improve his mediocre skills by playing in the world's most difficult hockey league the QMJHL, but was never good enough to best Lapierre. He is so talented, it appears an entire magazine is devoted to the betterment of men through the teachings of Maxim, with instructions in recreating the awesomeness of Maxim Lapierre in grooming, attire, and dating sexy women.

Weaknesses: Sadly, there is only one Maxim Lapierre, and until the Canadiens realize this, he will be forced to lead and cover for the mistakes of a number of weaker, less-skilled, heartless Maudits Anglais and Ethnic players who could never match his desire, strength, ability to inspire and world-class talent. His faceoffs also need some work.

Tommorrow, Part 6: Pure Laine Superstar Guillaume Latendresse

The Morning Skate for Monday, September 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of advancing to the semi-finals...
  • Habs leave today for three days of horseback riding and praying north of Toronto. Yeehaw!
  • They'll do it withour Little Tits, who was sent down to Hamilton;
  • BGL says the the team is 100 miles ahead of last year's in terms of team spirit. Team spirit counts for something, right? He also says the team talks, the team has fun, and there's a new spirit, unlike last year when the feeling was bad around the team. Was BGL even around the team last year?
  • Many good tidbits in Boone's About Camp II;
  • Leafs lose, with Toskala letting in SEVEN goals (but he'll be better this year, right nation?) and Dou$harek leaving the game with an injury. It's a schadenfreude triple play!
  • El Dandy cut by the Sharks (lap dance to GG11).
Okay kidz this is it. HOCKEY THIS WEEK. Can you fucking believe that? I can't. It seems like it's been forever. We're kicking off the big finale en trois parties of the Pure Laine preview today, but it might be much later in the day, so check back often. Except you Jews, who should be busy with the atoning all day. Put away that iPhone, you're in shul for God's sake.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Weekend Open Thread of Stripperriffic Hal Gill

Hellooooooooooo! Guten tag. This is the last weekend without real hockey! Can you fucking believe that? W00t!!!!!!1111!!!

But we still have some work to do. The last of the Road Trip previews are trickling in, so let's do one! What can you say about The Pensblog that hasn't already been said? I love those formatting-challenged assholes. Those guys rule the internetz. You know it, I know it, they know it. And they'll tell you that. And that's why we love them. They don't hold back, just like us. Go read the third period of their review of of the Habs-Pens earlier this week for a taste. Or, you can just read their opinion on the USS Hal Gill:

Hal Gill is who you think he is. Slow, sometimes bumbling, trying to make it through life in a post-lockout NHL world. Why did he win a Cup and consequently become an overpaid free agent? Because his defensive partner, Rob Scuderi, ALSO won a Cup and consequently became an overpaid free agent. For Gill to succeed in Montreal, he has to be partnered with your best stay-at-home d-man. What we saw out of Gill all through the playoffs was him making mistakes and being too slow to compensate for them. But Rob Scuderi was there. Habs are gay.

We love you too, dickheads.

Alright on to the open threading. Last night I was busy watching the Als crush the Tabbies, but apparently Toronto beat the Wings. Tronna now 5-2 in the pre-season. Gustavsson finally played and stopped all his shots. Maguire is still wiping up spilled semen. Theo Fleury's comeback is cut short by the Flames. Habs play Buffalo tonight in the pre-season finale, and it doesn't seem to be on TV. To your AM radios everyone! There's also a full weekend of football, golf, the other football, baseball pennant races (not that anyone here cares), and I'm sure many other niche sports. Talk movies, TV, recipes, anything your little hearts' desire while you have the chance. Because next weekend, it's all Habs all the time. It's about fucking time.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Breezer finally released from Panger's trunk, just in time to say goodbye

Oh Breezer, how we'll miss you. You and FHF have a history, like the skanky girlfriend that just won't go away no matter how much you beg. But now you are finally leaving. And we're sad. Well, maybe not. But as a testament to our love of Breezerpalooza, if not necessarily Breezer himself, we've dug back in the FHF archives to discover an astonishing fact. By my count, we have no less than six different Breezer tags, more than for any other player. They include Brisebois, Baron Von Pylon, Patrice Brisebois, Patrice Brisebois sucks, Trade Brisebois for the movie rights to the Barry Manilow story, and the ever-popular Breezer is still locked in my truck - you just thought you saw him on the ice giving away the puck at the point all night (sic). That's an impressive feat for any hockey player.

We all wanted to say goodbye (well, until he ends up on RDS as a commentator), so each of us have prepared a little something. From me, I just want to highlight some of my fave Breezer posts over the years. I feel everything's already been said which needs to be:

This started it all: Feel The Breeze (-by) or A Breeze Is Blowing or Take A Breezer (man these headlines are too easy)

The E-mail Chain - Patrice Brisebois and my ulcer

Breezer wants you to know he's not a pussy

An Ode to Breezer on the occasion of his 1000th game

Thanks for the memories material Patrice. Bonne chance.

From HF10:
March 8, 2008, just after the Grabovski AWOL bitch incident. Habs beat the Kings, Breezer scores a goal and gets interviewed after the game. I think HF29 was away, because I wrote the Game Day Preview for March 9 versus Anaheim and listed Breezer as a hot Hab to watch:

"Breezer! Scored a goal, played decent, sounded totally happy to play a role as veteran dressing room/frequent press box visitor type. As much as we run the man down, he has been nothing but classy in his return to les Canadiens. Grabs should take a seat beside him every trip and take notes."

We all hated Breezer's fuck-ups, but he always played hard and never did anything stupid or illegal off-ice to embarrass the franchise. For that he deserves credit. I'll still miss booing his inept ass, though.

From Panger:
I would like to remember a baby-faced Breezer, full of promise as a smooth skating pp quarterback on the '90 and '91 WJC - followed by a Cup in 1993. I really would. Then I think that since then, zero cups. And I remember one good season and a fat contract from dumbass Rejean Houle - and the reasons I fantasized about wanting to lock him in my trunk suddenly come flooding back.

From HF4:
If Brisebois' teary goodbye is a reminder of Brett Favre's sobbing adieu in Green Bay, I guess we'll be seeing the Breezer back on the ice by the end of the week, retired again in November and making a triumphant return to the NHL by February.

The Morning Skate for a Sexy Friday, September 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a nude Marissa Miller...
  • B's beat the Habs 2-1 in a shootout. We may never beat Boston again. By all accounts we seemed to have played OK though, as Tim Thomas came up big. Little Tits had a decent game, as did Jaro, who almost got killed. And Squid left the game with a "lower body injury", not to return. JM lied and said it as "precautionary";
  • Wayne Gretzky resigns as Coyotes coach. It tells you something about his coaching career vs. his playing career that his resignation only ranks a second bullet point in TMS instead of an actual post. As HF10 put it in an email yesterday, "given the Coyotes record, I thought he quit two years ago";
  • The 'Nucks finally lose one, to the Ducks. Saku and Teemu team up for the OT winner. /sheds tear;
  • Sid the Kid leaves the 5-2 loss to the Blue Jackets with a groin injury, a groooiin injury;
  • Speaking of Pittsburgh, the G20 protesters are hockey fans;
  • The MYFO "gang" does its usual bang-up job with their Habs preview.
Programming notes
We're taking a break from Bertrand today. He'll be back next week with the big 3-part finale. In its place, check back later for our special Sexy Friday tribute to Breezer, on the occasion of his retirement. Speaking of Sexy Friday, let's go random with a TMS fave, in honour of the Dollhouse S2 premiere tonight, Eliza Dushku. Full set here.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Overview: The Commies are coming! No wait, they're here - and there are a fuckload of them, so let’s get right to why they suck compared to their (completely different) pinko, socialist Quebecois brethren:

Nom: Jaroslav Halak aka “Jaro” aka “our funniest bit”’

Lieu de naissance: somewhere behind the Iron Curtain

Strengths: Winning hockey games - when he gets the chance; lately spends most of time fashioning latest Canadiens baseball cap styles; ‘most interesting man in the world’ commercials are based on Jaro.

Weaknesses: small by NHL standards; doesn’t raise his hharm like dis for tha hhicing, confusing teammates; doesn’t spend enough time posting for FHF.

Should be traded for: Martin Brodeur (New Jersey Devils). If only there was unrestricted free agency in the NHL, Marty the Great would have signed with his hometown team for sure. Oh well, the Habs can still sign one of the many available pur laine goaltending alternatives, including: Eric Fichaud, Stephane Fiset, Vincent Riendeau, JC Bergeron, or the corpse of Andre Racicot - all of whom have proven to be more-than-capable backups in the rich goaltending history of God’s chosen team, the Montreal Canadiens. Manny Fernandez is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW, crisse.

Nom: Andrei Markov aka “Andrei Markov” aka “the only reason the Canadiens have a shot at the playoffs”

Lieu de naissance: The original “red” state.

Strengths: the Habs best player, last season's playoffs proved they can’t win without him; can remain stone silent despite constant interrogation by Montreal media thanks to KGB upbringing.

Weaknesses: Although he’s by far the Habs best player and only top 10-ten NHL player at his position on the Habs roster, he still must go. Can’t say exactly why - he just doesn’t have that je ne sait quoi : he’s no Guy Lapointe, Serge Savard, Butch Bouchard or Francois Bouillon. Plus, cheered for the Red Army during the New Year’s Eve game and during their invasion of Czechoslovakia.

Should be traded for: Stephane Robidas. Who cares if Comrade Andrei is likely to play in the Olympics for the Soviets? Robidas is a mortal lock for Team Quebec.

Nom: Jaroslav Spacek aka “Jaro 2.0” aka “Pigeon

Lieu de naissance: Some country that no longer exists.

Strengths: experienced, puck-moving defenceman with a booming shot; did not commit suicide while playing in Buffalo, so must like hockey a lot. Or doing nothing on a Saturday night.

Weaknesses: injury prone, sometimes lacks intensity; foolishly favours the political theory of John Locke to the obviously enlightened deism of Voltaire.

Should be traded for: Traded?!? Why the TABARNAK did they not sign the legendary Francois Beachemin (Toronto Maple Leafs) as a UFA instead of this ostie de piece of shit?

Nom: Roman Hamrlik aka "Hamr" aka “this and next season’s salary cap albatross”

Lieu de naissance: A separated state (hey wait...).

Strengths: strong all-around play; has the pulse of Montreal’s underground economy.

Weaknesses: Doesn't use his size as msuch as he could, may have lost a step at 35; cozying up to known Russian gangsters when there are plenty of French Hell’s Angels to choose from.

Should be traded for: Francois Boullion (Nashville Predators). Francis The Great outplayed Hamr in every way all year long – even while injured - only to be held back by his Quebecois-hating coach, who Gillooly’d his groin before the playoffs just to sabotage him. Only remained unsigned so long as other teams were fearful of signing him so as not to make the aforementioned Quebecois-hating coach look foolish - given his immense respect and popularity throughout the hockey world.

Nom: Yannick Weber aka “Swiss Mister 2.0” aka “the next young defencemen who the Habs give up on too quickly and then blossoms elsewhere”

Lieu de naissance: Commie-sympathizing Switzerland.

Strengths: high skill level, potential PP quarterback; speaks French.

Weaknesses: defensive play; speaks the wrong kind of freaky “Swiss” French.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Mathieu Carle (Hamilton). Carle is the next superstar Quebecois defencemen - inheriting Patrice Brisebois’s title.

Nom: Tomas Plekanec aka “Turtleplek” aka “that Little Czech Girl”

Lieu de naissance: one of those former soviet satellite states.

Strengths: skating, two-way play; fashioning stylish CH turtlenecks, boosting sales
of Habs’ merchandise.

Weaknesses: smallish, streaky scorer, gets knocked off the puck; gives young female hockey players a bad name; admires Khrushchev over Charles de Gaulle.

Should be traded for: Marc Pouliot (Edmonton Oilers). Plekanec may never have scored fewer than 20 goals in a full NHL season, but Pouliot’s potential - as shown but his 8-goal breakout season last year - makes him a lock to be the next Mario Lemieux. Trade for him RIGHT FUCKING NOW, merde.

Nom: Andrei Kostitsyn aka “Big Tits” aka “future KHL star”

Lieu de naissance: Belarus? Belarussia? Fuck that: Soviet Union.

Strengths: possesses most pure talent on the team; best nickname ever.

Weaknesses: only motivated when he plays Alex the Great; has never read or seen Les Miserables.

Should be traded for: Pascal Dupuis (Pittsburgh Penguins). This future Hall of Famer’s resume now includes a Stanley Cup ring, which he virtually single-handedly won for the Penguins despite not scoring a single point in the post season - simply his presence was enough to propel his anglophone slacker teammates to victory.

Nom: Sergei Kostitsyn aka “Little Tits” aka “that little asshole” (opponents only)

Lieu de naissance: Born in the USSR. Barely.

Strengths: gritty, in your face player with surprising talent level and a Claude Lemieux-like upside; haunts Mikeal Grabovski’s dreams - recently replacing Gargamel:

Weaknesses: he’s NOT CLAUDE LEMIEUX, câlice; probably deserves his ever-increasing rep as cheap shot artist; questionable decisions when it comes to friends (chooses gangsters wisely, though).

Should be traded for: duh, Claude Lemieux (San Jose Sharks). Wait, what do you mean the Sharks cut him?!? Is Theo Fleury available? With a name like “Fleury” he’s got to speak French, right?

Nom: Mikeal Johansson aka “the new European guy they signed that no one has heard of”

Lieu de naissance: The land of blondes and suicides

Strengths: apparently a late-blooming mature, two-way player; assembling crappy modulate furniture.

Weaknesses: smallish, hasn’t proven anything in the NHL; believes that “Cirque de Soliel” is a rare astronomical occurrence which wreaks havoc with earth-bound satellites.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Dany Masse. Clearly a mature European player originally drafted by a team with as poor a European draft record as the Detroit Red Wings is no match for a 50-goal scorer in the notoriously goal-starved “Q”.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, September 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of buying a basketball team...
B's tonight on RDS. Warm up for the game with more lawsuit evidence later today.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

C'est un joke, 'stie? Americans play hockey? Non non, that can't be right. Football, maybe (though Laval is the best football team ever), and some basketball I guess. But hockey? Bad enough that the Rest of Canada is trying to steal Quebec's National sport, now Americans are playing it? All Americans are pig-dogs. Except that Rush Limbaugh, he tells it like it is. Here are your 2009-2010 Montréal Canadien Pig-Dogs:

Nom: Paul Mara

Lieu de naissance: The swamps of Ridgewood, New Jersey. Bada-bing.

Strengths: Is well-connected. He's a team player, if you know what I mean. Lumberjack skills are valuable with wood in his hands.

Weaknesses: May not have health care.

Should be traded for: Maurice "Mom" Boucher. A much better choice for a tough motherfucker kicking ass and taking names of opponents standing in the crease of our pathetic non-François Allaire-trained goaltenders.

Nom: Hal Gill

Lieu de naissance: Concord, Masshole.

Strengths: Has access to massive quantities of high-quality American Human Growth Hormone.

Weaknesses: Slow, slower, and slowest. Like an anglo journalist realizing how unfairly he's treating Patrice Brisebois.

Should be traded for: The Big O tower. Roughly the same size and speed, but the tower was designed by un français, built by Québecois, and commissioned by corrupt Montrealers. Talk about pure laine!

Nom: Max Pacioretty

Lieu de naissance: New Canaan, Connecticut, the city with the highest average family income in the U.S. Rich asshole.

Strengths: Wears number 67, thus taunting maudits anglais Toronto bastards every time he steps on the ice.

Weaknesses: Is not the clearly superior other Hab named Max, Captain Lapierre. And Pacioretty sounds ethnic. I thought we covered this Monday.

Should be traded for: Maxime Talbot. Now there's a Max we can rally around.

Demain: 4e partie - Commies and Commie Sympathizers. The early PQ were practically communists, so maybe Bertrand will go easy. Doubtful.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, September 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of sleeping with your dad...
  • Leafs beat the Pens 3-2, Komi wins a TKO over noted hevyweight pugilist Jordan Staal;
  • Four out of ten Quebecers think Bob sucks;
  • Boone has a good About camp... feature, but it's so positive it's like he got into the FHF liquor cabinet.
Be sure to come back soon for today's adventures in our "four lawyers flaunt the libel laws" preview. It's comment! Fair use! Satire! You reading this, future judge?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 2: Les Maudits Anglais


When my parents moved to Montreal from the mainland depths of Israel, after spasms of childhood spent in Casablanca and Bucharest, they chose a French speaking domain in which to raise their Jewish-half-Moroccan-half-Romanian son.

And while their intentions only pushed forward an agenda of anglo-xenophobia that would make all of us Québécois proud, they accidentally laid the seeds of everything that is wrong with our province du Québec, and that has now spilled over into sacred territory, into the very fabric of les Canadiens de Montréal – a complete disregard for the pristine beauty and unequivocal superiority of everything French and with it, the enhanced probability of assimilation of the French culture altogether – this in the name of worldly multiculturalism that only serves to darken the contours of the already obvious inferiority of all that don’t bask in the privileged light that shines when one calls oneself a pure Québécois, and who have chosen to make breath and sound in the screeching wounding cacophony some call English.

Because what my parents really managed to accomplish in not shoving the purity of French down our throats, what they failed to acknowledge in letting us congregate in what at first seemed like harmless fun with the Anglo kids, was affording their Jewish-half-Morrocan-half-Romanian-half-francophone-half-anglophone son the wonderful opportunity to marry a fully-Christian-half-Lebanese-half-Palestinian-half-Anglo-half-Franco girl, with whom he could raise his very own half-anglo-half-franco-half-Jewish-half-Christian-quarter-Moroccan-quarter-Romanian-quarter-Lebanese-quarter-Palestinian cultural clusterfucks they are doomed to bring into this world.

This was made possible by the only tie that bound us, the English language in which we enveloped ourselves from the very beginning, with our English jokes, and our English movies, and our English logic, and our English ways. We rarely spoke French together, we lived a subterranean subversive secret Anglophone lifestyle and we giggled our way through it all, slapping the face our beloved province and the xenophobic values it holds so dearly in the process.

Had our language police done its job and cracked down on this English nonsense, had it punished it with impunity they way it is meant to be punished, wielding weapon and ruler, measuring every single letter to ensure the reduction of anything that appeared as audacious or emboldened English on a stained sign, I wouldn’t have the bastard kids I’m about to have and my Sainte-Flanelle wouldn’t look like the second coming of a cucumber sandwich eating contest.

Les Maudits Anglais. They ruined a summer full of promise. They infected a new family with the possibility of tainted multiculturalism and worldy knowledge, and they ran everything French out of the locker room at the Bell Centre,

Just look at them, these Habs, they’re disgusting, and you can just feel them thinking in their rotten English. It makes me ill, I can’t tell you how much it does.

They’ve brought shame to the jersey. Dryden, forever immortalized leaning over his stick, in a pose that evokes the blatant laziness that characterised every Anglophone. Without the brilliant Bunny Laroque pushing and threatening Dryden’s place on the team, Kenny would have just been another rotten Anglo lawyer perched high atop his pretentious Anglo ivory tower, keeping the Québécois away from power and knowledge. Robinson, another example of Anglo ineptitude, who was only rendered passable playing alongside the immeasurable genius of Guy Lapointe and Serge Savard. Sans Lapointe and Savard, Larry, you’re just another shlep who tried to sleep with my mom. Steve Shutt: a right wing who brings shame to the term right wing. An afterthought without Lafleur and Lemaire, who showed the entire world what chemistry means, and who remain extremely close friends to this day.

I can’t go on.

Les Maudits Anglais:

Nom: Glen Metropolit

Lieu de naissance: Holy shit – Toronto fucking Ontario.

Strenghts: Doesn’t call Toronto home anymore.

Weaknesses: An astute student of nothingness. Zero work ethic, and a collector of welfare checks. Such a tête carrée, CCM has been commissioned to design the first cubic helmet.

Should be traded for: Steve Bégin, an incredible Québécois warrior- ambassador who would probably cry in Renaud Lavoie’s arms if he were ever traded from Montreal. But that would never happen as it would summon such fury in the streets it would make the Richard Riot look like a macramé convention.

Nom: Carey Price

Lieu de naissance: Anahim Lake, British Columbia

Strengths: Can drink a beer like any good Québécois, and models his choice of summer holiday destinations on the Pures Laines, vacationing in Cancun and Cayo Coco drinking beer and Margaritas. Will never win a gold medal for Quebec but as a native of BC knows the value of Quebec Gold. Has also shown the ability to adopt the flapping butterfly style brought to this game by Québécois immortal legend, Patrick Roy, where one makes a routine butterfly save and then raises both arms in the air to acknowledge the adoring crowd.

Weaknesses: An Indian who’s ancestors probably have Québécois blood on their hands in trying to prevent the noble takeover of native land by brave French forces. Has chosen goaltending as his position of choice. A suspicious Anglo who speaks in subdued hushes while probably pushing forward a hostile anti-francophone agenda. Can’t cover his angles, only doing well at 90 degrees. Has more Anglo trash depicted on his goalie mask than a painting at Buckingham Palace.

Must be traded for: Pascal Leclaire, an emerging superstar in this league who took the Columbus Blue (great color) Jackets to the next level, i.e. just missing the playoffs. Leclaire will be reminding this Anglo laden Canadiens battalion what they are missing eight times this season.

Nom: Travis Moen

Lieu de naissance: Swift Current, Sascartoon.

Strenghts: Name can be pronounced in a French way. Is apparently an aggressive forward who played for Anaheim, California, a state where super Québécois legend Alexandre Daigle surely bedded thousands of busty women.

Weaknesses: Is the most unknown player to wear a Habs sweater since Juha Lind.

Should be traded for: Antoine Vermette, a gritty two-way player who knows how to vote in referendums.

Nom: Gregory Stewart

Lieu de naissance: Cuisiner, Ontario

Strengths: Hard working forward who will do well on the fourth line and who’s not afraid to take on the biggest and meanest players on the opposing team.

Weaknesses: Only takes on the biggest and meanest players on the opposing team after the team is on the verge of losing an incredibly important game prompting a huge last second downtown rally that finally brings people out of their slumbers and stirs the crucial passion required to turn the tide. An Anglo procrastinator.

Should be traded for: Grégory Charles, the only Grégory this province will ever cheer for.

Nom: Josh Gorges

Strengths: Emerging into a convincing argument in the Rivet trade discussion. Is rumoured to be considering changing his name to Jean Georges.

Weaknesses: Average skater, passer, shooter, hitter. Average human being. The model Anglo. Taking skating lessons from Galganov Russian skating school in Côte-St-Luc.

Should be traded for: François Beauchemin, an incredible blue liner had the Canadiens had the fortune to draft would have never dealt.

Nom: Ryan O’Byrne

Lieu de naissance: Victoria – (yeah, as in Queen Victoria), British (yeah, as in England British) Columbia

Strengths: Amazing scoring ability

Weaknesses: …to score in his own net

Should be traded for: Francis Bouillon, a hard working all-Québécois hero who at 5”5 stands taller than every inch of the 6”5 Anglo frame O’Byrne should be ashamed of carrying. Bouillon is also far more able at 5”5 to snatch a purse without raising any suspicion.

Folks, pray for this team. And my children.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of a drunken David Hasselhoff...
  • Habs win! Sure, we only played one period, but the new big little three lead the way, starring Gionta's 2G 1A. TFS was outstanding, stopping 28 of 31 and he had no chance on the 3 he let in (tip, PP, and Malkin). And the Pens had a pretty full lineup. To your parade planners!
  • Habs chop 19 players, including the Subbanator and pre-season golden gloves champ Eric Neilson. And one last time, GLUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEE;
  • Cube finds a home in Nashville. Thank you for your service, Franky;
  • 'Nucks go to 5-0 for the preseason;
  • Oh look, more Phoenix court hearings!
The ongoing lawsuit new preview series rolls on today. Maudits anglais.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Overview: Last year was an abomination, and it's no secret why. The Montreal Canadiens, the team of Francophone legends like Richard, Beliveau, Cournoyer, Lafleur, Roy, et Brisbois lost their way. Lead by a man who insulted the very essence of all real Quebecois with his utter refusal to learn and speak the language of the people, a lost decade has seen Les Glorieux stray from their raison d'etre, ceasing to be the embodiment of Francophone pride to become just another equipe. Frankly, they might as well be les fucking Montreal Maroons at this point, maudit Anglais. The question is, has Bob Gainey repaired la Sainte Flanelle? If not, the blame will clearly lie at the feet of the Money and the Ethnics, Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta, and Mike Cammalleri.

The Money and the Ethnics:

Nom: Scott Gomez

Lieu de naissance: Anchorage, Alaska

Strengths: Gomez is a shifty attacker with excellent vision and passing. Very good speed. Well-liked by team mates and a natural leader.

Weaknesses: Gomez does not speak French. Gomez doesn't understand the culture of the Montreal Canadiens, the unique history of the French people, the importance of language and the overwhelming awesomeness of pur laine Quebec. Gomez also makes too much money, which has forced les Canadiens to release Quebecois warriors of better talent like Mathieu Dandenault and Steve Begin. He can also be muscled off the puck in offensive zone, and his faceoffs need work.

Should be traded for: A brave, pur laine French Canadian leader like Daniel Briere.

Nom: Brian Gionta

Lieu de naissance: Rochester, New York

Strengths: Gionta is a speedy and feisty winger who plays much bigger than his size. His energy and attitude are valuable commodities in any dressing room. He has a nose for the net and scores big goals.

Weaknesses: Gionta attended Boston College, not a school like Universite de Laval or Universite de Montreal where he would be properly educated in the history of this great nation. His French is non-existent and constitutes a slap in the face to all Quebecois. He is an unfit representative of our national team Les Canadiens, and will never understand the unique place les Glorieux holds in each pur laine heart. Like other Ethnics with money, Gionta has forced more worthy, more deserving players such as Francois Bouillon out of their rightful places in the Tricolour. His size is also an issue, and it's possible he may never return to his 48 goal season of 2005.

Should be traded for: A dimunitive pur laine superstar, Martin St. Louis.

Nom: Mike Cammalleri

Lieu de naissance: Richmond Hill, Ontario

Strengths: A talented goal scorer and power-play specialist, Cammalleri can play center and left wing. A very intelligent player, he has an appreciation of the Canadiens history and the passion of the fanbase and has expressed his delight at pulling on the sweater.

Weaknesses: As much as Cammalleri says he knows the history of the franchise and respects the institution, as an Anglophone he will never, ever feel the pur laine love for les Canadiens that members of the Quebecois nation will. As such, he is an inferior choice to real Canadiens like Vincent Lecavalier or Briere, who would do anything for the chance to wear le Bleu, Blanc et Rouge. Cammalleri is not a native Francophone, and as such will never be a suitable leader for this great franchise. His salary is outrageous, especially since pur laine talent such as Pierre Dagenais and Alexandre Daigle have been blackballed in favour of this untalented Jewish Italian. Can be inconsistent, and doubts exist as to whether he can keep up his production without Jarome Iginla's help.

Should be traded for: A pur laine scoring star who would bring real honour to the jersey, Mike Ribeiro.

Tomorrow, Part 2: Maudits Anglais

The Game Day Skate for Monday, September 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares about the last day of summer...
  • Meh. Habs lose 2-1 to the B's in Quebec City. You didn't think all those Nords fans would just let them win, did you? Habs now .500 for the pre-season, most likely a sign of things to come;
  • They're all excited in Calgary over Theo Fleury;
  • Habs finish up their 5 games in five nights tonight with Pittsburgh (RDS, TSN2). Then I'm sure Jacques will start chopping tomorrow. GLUUUUUUUEEE, we hardly knew ye.
You must, I repeat, MUST, come back later today. After the awesomeness of the Road Trip strippers (we've still got one or two left), we have a whole NEW preview series for you, dear reader. Expect a whole new level of awesomeness.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The weekend open thread of stripperriffic love road trip preview of Scott Gomez

Buenos dias everyone! Fine morning for french toast and strippers. Habs beat the Sens last night. Undefeated baby! Gionta and Maxwell score, and some dude named Eric Neilson threw his fists around at a much cheaper price than BGL. But from most accounts the Habs looked pretty meh for 40 minutes. Elsewhere, Phil Kessel is a Leaf. UGH. Mike Comrie had 4 assists in his return to Edmonton, and the Sedins look good. I found a nice local piece on Saku, let's just be happy for him.

OK so while it is in fact TWOTOL, Scotty Hockey really ain't feeling the love for Gomez. Let's skip the formalities and get it over with:

I never liked Scott Gomez. Not one bit. For one, he was a Devil. For two, he was handed a seven-year deal worth $51.5 million. For that much money, you want a top 10, or even two 20 talent in the NHL. Gomez? Not even close. He was coming off of a season where he played 10 less games and scored 24 less points than the year before and had 13 goals. I'm pretty sure you are supposed to play better in a contract year, not worse. And yet he still was handed the keys to the castle (along with Chris Drury). Gomez was supposed to be the superstar center that would feed Jaromir Jagr the puck and raise the team to the next level. Instead, Jagr was pissed that Gomez replaced Nylander and the two never found any chemistry. In fact, in two seasons Gomez seemed to find no on--ice chemistry with anyone. True, he did put up 144 points in 175 games (including playoffs) but the expectations were so very much higher. The only time he came close to those was in the playoff series against the Devils where he simply dominated his former team. Seven points in five games where he consistently went to the net, he got his teammates involved and he played with passion. The next series against Cindy and the Pens he was a shadow of himself and we lost. The worst part about Gomez - in my opinion - was not that he didn't live up to expectations, not that he circled incessantly around the ice and often put linemates offsides, not that he avoided contact and dumped the puck into the corner rather than go into traffic - it was that he often smiled in postgame interviews. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But Gomez always came across as smug and arrogant, happy to cash his ridiculous paycheque, with little regard for whether the team won or lost. Gomez is proud of his Mexican heritage and more than earned the MexiCan't nickname I bestowed upon him.

Alrighty then.

Let's get back into TWOTOL mode, and there is plenty of shit going down to love like strippers sur le cuir. Habs go to Ottawa to see Kovy tonight and play the B's In Quebec City tomorrow. Tonight will have "limited action" (whatever that is) on RIS, and the Bs game is on RDS, presumably in full. Plenty of NFL, CFL, and NCAA (GO GATORS! Fuck you Lane Kiffin, but I'd like to fuck your wife). I'm sure there's Premier League to talk about, and motorsports, and locked out referees, and movies and Fringe and whatever your little hearts want to blah blah about. Let's love together.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Stripperriffic Preview: Road Trip Edition - Jacques Martin

Who the fuck are these new guys? How the fuck are we supposed to know? They're new to us too. So we've taken the lazy-ass blogger way out, and turned to the best bloggers out there (or those that answered our emails) to help us out. We hunted down bloggers from the new guy's old team(s), and told them they could write whatever they wanted, to help us get to know the new guy better. Then we let GoldenGirl11 loose with the Photoshop and a new web series was born.

So we've got a double dip for you today as we take a gander at the new bench boss. First, we asked for help from Whale4ever of Litter Box Cats, the only Panthers blog that matters. No seriously, Litter Box Cats kills in a place where hockey is the 58th most popular sport, right after midget jai-alai. He readily agreed, but then ended up writing a preview for last night's game which was basically what he would have wrote for us. So he told us just to use what we wanted. Well, we might as well just link to the whole thing. It's great. And HE gets the pageviews. See, he's fucking brilliant!

But since one measure of a coach is what he does with some actual players, we thought we should also ask a Sens blogger for a scouting report. You can guess who we asked. We've given him enough compliments over the years, so let's just dive in. There's so much win in what SLC delivered, we're gonna put it all after the jump. Go!

So you've decided to hire Jacques Martin. Congratulations on a most excellent choice. Take it from me, Bob would have been hard pressed to find a keener hockey mind anywhere within the august ranks of head coaches unceremoniously shit canned because their teams continued to suck the teats from a bull despite their best efforts.

Oh, sure, he might offend a few of the bluenoses with his cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, he'll never be the darling of the so-called "Beery" set, who cluck their tongues, stroke their giant wads of money, and talk about "Whatever will be done with this power play?" But I can guarantee you one thing, Hab fans. He will GET THE JOB DONE! Um...well...most of it. Most of the time. Usually. Depending on the opponent.

Now Jacques, the man, is widely known as someone whose feathers, if you will permit me some poetic license, are absolutely unruffable, a stoic's stoic who will maintain an even keel on the Good Ship Senator Panther Canadiens no matter how tempestuous the highest highs or the lowest lows, inherent in any hockey season, may get. But I'm here to tell you that this is simply not the case. Jacques, like any man whose ability to put food in the mouths of his children is completely dependant on the performance of a gaggle of spoiled millionaires, tends to wear his emotions on his sleeve. You just need to know what signs to look for.

And here, I believe, is where my vast experience in these matters may be of greatest assistance. Through his seven year tenure with the Ottawa Senators, I became quite attuned to the signals Jacques would send his players throughout the season, usually through the media, and, with a little help, so can you! Presented here for your edification, in handy illustrated form, is the full gamut of raw emotion you're likely to see from your new coach:

The "Day before the season opener in which all is sushine and lollipops"

The "Seven game winning streak!"

The "Five game losing streak..."

The "I just pulled TFS, Little Tits, Pleks and BGL out of a Mexican whore house"

The "No, I didn't make any adjustments after falling behind 5-1. Why the hell would I do that? We still only gave up 19 shots!"

The "Holy shit that was a dumb question. The fuck is a 'Red Fisher'??"

The "I just lost a playoff round to our most bitter rivals for the FOURTH STRAIGHT FUCKING YEAR!!!!"

The "Aw crap. Fired again."

See? It's really easy, once you know what to look for. No, no. No need to thank me. I do it simply because I love this game. Now go take a nap, or something. You're going to need it.

The Game Day Skate for Friday, September 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your FLQ past...
Habs on TV tonight! RDS at 7:30, the Kovy-less Sens will be in town, as Jacques Martin gets to face his second old team in as many nights. Speaking of Martin, come back later this morning for a killer Stripperriffic Preview. For no reason whatsoever, here's a TMS fave, Olivia Wilde in GQ to start your Sexy Friday off right. Have a good one. And Shana Tova to Squid and all the other Jews out there.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Stripperriffic Preview: Road Trip Edition - Mike Cammalleri

Who the fuck are these new guys? How the fuck are we supposed to know? They're new to us too. So we've taken the lazy-ass blogger way out, and turned to the best bloggers out there (or those that answered our emails) to help us out. We hunted down bloggers from the player's team last year, and told them they could write whatever they wanted, to help us get to know the new guy better. Then we let GoldenGirl11 loose with the Photoshop and a new web series was born.

Today we are honoured to welcome the King of the Flames Bloggers, Kent Wilson. Kent is so prolific he writes at too many blogs to mention. He spends most of his time at Matchsticks and Gasoline, but he is also one of the founders of Five Hole Fanatics, the other FHF of the interwebs. Though we're probably the other FHF, since they started way back in 2005. 2005! Holy Fuck. They had the internet then? Anyway, the floor is yours, Kent...

If you travel to Flames fan message boards, you'll probably hear more negative than positive on Cammalleri: he's not very big, he didn't "bring it" in the playoffs, he relied on Jarome Iginla for his points.

Sour grapes.

Cammalleri was full-value for Calgary last year. He was, far and away, the club's most effective PP player. He was the only guy to score more than 5 points/60 minutes of ice with the man advantage. He has a quick release, an accurate shot, finds holes in coverage and is tricky with the puck on his stick. He can also play both center and left wing, which can come in handy.

That's the good news for you guys. The bad news is: unless he improves a whole bunch, I don't know if he'll provide value for that 6 million large he'll be making every season as a Hab. That's getting into bonafide star-to-superstar range and Cammalleri isn't good enough at even strength (yet) to qualify. Not to say he was bad at 5on5 for the Flames last year, he just wasn't consistently beating up his opponents (despite some good line mates and favorable circumstances). He's never going to crash-and-bang or fight anyone either.

That said, I'd take him 10 times out of 10 over Alex Kovalev.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, September 17

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a batshit crazy Megan Fox...
  • The Bay Street Bullies lose to the B's in their pre-season opener. Bégin in a B's uni is damn weird;
  • Sens drop their second straight to Florida, this time with Kovy;
  • I like what TFS says about Montreal - "I learned more in two yeas here than in six years anywhere else." Diplomatic;
  • Coach Carbo, TV analyst;
  • Puck Daddy does his Montreal preview, with our own HF10 providing some witty commentary. While we're doing some self-pimping, last week's Ottawa Xpress had a nice piece about us (well, and a few Sens bloggers).
Holy crap, a Habs game tonight! In fact, it's the first of five games in a row. Here's the sched (Ed: whoops, because of the new Habs site technology, we can't seem to link directly to the sched. Fuck me. Click "schedule" then change the drop down to "2009-2010 pre-season then go shoot me in the head) . We're giddy. GIDDY!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Stripperriffic Preview: Road Trip Edition - Jaro 2.0

Who the fuck are these new guys? How the fuck are we supposed to know? They're new to us too. So we've taken the lazy-ass blogger way out, and turned to the best bloggers out there (or those that answered our emails) to help us out. We hunted down bloggers from the player's team last year, and told them they could write whatever they wanted, to help us get to know the new guy better. Then we let GoldenGirl11 loose with the Photoshop and a new web series was born.

Today we are psyched to welcome Danielleia from Sabre Kallisions. No one turns a phrase like Dani, whether talking hockey (on Ryan Miller: "we all know he’s got the most potential to be a closet axe murderer") or the VMA's. Her writing always puts a smile on my face, and her take on Jaro is no exception. Take it away, Dani...

Dear 4HabsFans,

Hi. I am Jaroslav and I send you my cover letter and resume. Keep up I talk fast. Canada have lots of letters in zip code. Is there letters in the cell phonez too? HAHA! I joke. I don’t know lots of French so I copy from Bell Centre website.

Born: Czech Republic
Shoots: Left
Position: Defense
Weight: Large and in Charge

As REcent graduate of Buffalo Sabres, JAROisveryexcited about new opportunity for to make addition of defense to Montreal team that was advertised in the newspaper (I joke! No one reads newspaper!). Although I make lots of money and wus once accused of being too normal with Sabres team, Jaro later make big accomplishmentz. Jaro earn BIG captain title in JanUary of 2008. Also make assistant captain in year 2008-9. Once Jaro score ten goals for the Florida Panthers in a single season. Yeah, a single season you know. In the state of Florida. I win medal. Lots of party and girls with Florida. Spaco played for lots of teams like Chicago, Oilerz, and BLU Jakets but Jaro like Buffalo best.

Spaco make small list of special skills while with Sabres organization:

-Able to make awesome assists at unexpected times
-Laying giant hits on former captains upon return to hometown (Sorry Danny Briere)
-Displays leadership by calling unofficial meetingz when team enters huge ass losing streak
-The Head Pigeon
-Multilingual (English, Czech, Cookie Monster)

Spaco is confident he will be huge asset to habs defense and that skillz, experience, and big desire to win hockey make benefit your team. Please call Spaco and we will talk for long time. I try not to make Gainey cry.


-Ales Kotalik: Ales often seen with Jaro speaking native tongue at restaurants. (Jaro only teammate that make Ales laugh.)
-Phil Housley: Jaro play with Phil in Chicago. (Jaro hears Phil is a big deal.)
-Ty Conklin: Ty play goalie for Jaro with Oilerz and Sabres. (*DON’T CALL TY* Jaro forgets which team he plays for.)