Just in Case You Forgot We Were A-hole Lawyers: Habs 2, Sabres 1

COURT FILE NUMBER: 2.63.911

JUDICIAL DISTRICT:     Buffalo
PLAINTIFF:                     Ryan Miller
DEFENDANTS:               Buffalo Sabres Hockey Club
HEARD BEFORE:            The Honourable N.H. Elfan

APPLICATION FOR GOALIE SUPPORT

1. REMEDY CLAIMED OR RELIEF SOUGHT:

• More goals from the Defendants, save for Mr. D. Roy who's done okay so far since he's on pace for 82 goals.

2. GROUNDS FOR MAKING THIS APPLICATION:

• Despite my personal best efforts, including several highlight reel saves, the Defendants allowed a goal-challenged opponent to steal 2 points right here in Buffalo, in one of the most boring games I've ever witnessed.

3. EVIDENCE TO BE RELIED UPON:

• Exhibit A: Video Tape, Buffalo Sabres v. Ottawa Senators, recorded 10/8/2010
• Exhibit B: Video Tape, New Jersey Devils v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/13/2010
• Exhibit C: Video Tape, Montreal Canadiens v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/15/2010
• Two photos of the said Montreal Canadiens' players
• Filed affidavit of Mr. R. Miller

4. APPLICABLE RULES

• Rule 1.0, "The Team that scores the most goals wins", NHL Official Rulebook 2010-2011
• Section 3, "Don't score on your own goalie", (Unwritten) Goaltenders' Union Rules, 1893-1894 to present

AFFIDAVIT IN SUPPORT OF RYAN MILLER

Sworn on October 16, 2010, at Buffalo, New York

I, Ryan Miller, goaltender, of Buffalo, New York, swear and say that:

1. I am the Plaintiff in this action, and as such have personal knowledge of the facts herein deposed to. I admit that sometimes it was hard to see the facts since I was standing on my head for most of the time at issue.
2. Attached as Exhibit "A" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the Ottawa Senators. The court will note that I was sensational, but I admit the Defendants did take 36 shots and the other goalie was a pretty darn good, even if he's more fragile than a Faberge egg. I also admit that I only had to make 25 saves, and I could live with that - since I got a "W" that goes towards my bonus - and if the Defendants didn't increasingly suck from game to game I wouldn't be here.
3. Attached as Exhibit "B" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the New Jersey Devils. The court will note that, again, I was awesome. I admit that the Devils have a decent goaltender - but a terrible defence and can't afford enough skaters. I also admit it's hard for any team, let alone an offensively challenged club like the Defendants, to score on a team with a coach who appears to be the living anglophone reincarnation of Jacques Lemaire - not to mention an apparently bat-shit crazy GM, who fires winning coaches, signs illegal contracts and looks like this.
4. The real problem is attached as Exhibit "C". This game involved an opponent who was giving up an average of 36 shots a game and whose defencemen do more juggling with pucks at their own blueline than a starving European mime desperate for stupid American tourist's pocket change.
5. Further, these opponents have what could charitably be described as an anemic offence. For goodness sake, they haven't scored a power play goal yet this season and 14 guys already have attempted to castrate Sean Avery while battling with him in the corner. Although I admit that at least one guy wanted to, um, "pleasure him" instead.
6. Even further, two of the the opponent's top goal scorers apparently spent the off season chasing down tag team championship glory in the midget wrestling ring rather than train for the upcoming hockey season. Attached hereto as Exhibit "D" is a photo taken by the world renounded artist GG11 - I admit mostly because it's freaking hilarious:
   
7. Even more further, the first goal scored by the opponents was actually scored by some bone-head named Chris Butler, a member of the Defendants (although I don't know why). At least that's what the name on the guy's jersey said. I admit I'm not sure, because, like Red Fischer, I don't talk to rookies.
8. Even further than that, I'm make this application because the game was supposed to be interesting. Two tiny, fast teams who have forgotten thus far how to play any team defense was supposed to lead to a wide-open, scoring-chance-laden game on either end, a fun-to-watch hockey game. I thought it was hard to stay awake while I was on the ice - until I saw the replay on RDS. The only reason I managed to stay conscious throughout was thinking of ways to have Benoit Brunet and Mario Tremblay sentenced to death for murdering so many of my brain cells. I admit that Pierre Houde is a lovely man with a lovely voice, though. For the record, he deserved better, My Lord.
9. More further still, the Defendants allowed a guy who scores as often as HFF33 (which, I can tell you, is not often at all) to score the first goal of his career the season, and generally made that goofy looking gentleman look like Paul Coffey.
10. And furthest, there's Mr. Carey Price. I thought the guys playing goal in those other games were pretty good, but this guy is playing like he's got something to prove. He's becoming an out-right thief. The only reason the Tampa Bay police, led by Constable One-Timer Stamkos, caught him the other night was due to some tips by Messrs. P.K. Subban and J. Halpern. Those guys can be so helpful to the other team sometimes. Although I admit Mr. Subban is quick to lend a helping hand even after he makes a 'tip' like that, and Mr. Halpern is adept at taking pucks away from opponents during faceoffs.
11. But I digress. Back to Mr. Price, the Rodney Dangerfield of the NHL. Like I said, he's a cat burglar, quick as one, thereby robbing the Defendants left and right last night, just like he has 3 times previously this season. I admit he hasn't been rewarded much for such thievery, but last night was an exception. At this time I'd like to enter another GG11 photo as Exhibit "E", taken late last night outside the old Auditorium - you know, in the nice part of town:
    
12. I make this affidavit in support of some goal scoring, and for no inappropriate reasons.